Family Affair (1966) s01e11 Episode Script

1
Mr. French, can we ask you something about
Uncle Bill?
Negative.
Well, we wondered how come Uncle Bill's
walking around in there.
Yeah, he sits down and gets up and sits down and,
John, he looks like he's going to yell at somebody.
Only there's nobody in there to yell at.
Your Uncle Bill's just getting restless.
What's a restless?
I think it's when you're in school and you
think Greaseless is never going to get there.
Oh.
Precisely.
And that is also akin to what I feel when
two children come charging into my kitchen
asking non-sequitur questions during my
preparation of Crepe Suzette.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
French?
What time will dinner be ready?
Oh, uh, do you have an engagement of which
I'm unawares, huh?
No, no, I just thought I'd
Well, never mind.
I think we better go somewhere else than
this kitchen.
Yeah, everybody's restless.
But it was your idea, Bill.
Now, I hate to throw quotes after a
person.
However, you said, and I
quote, I think it would be a good
idea if I spent three months
or so here in the office.
And then you said, I can do a better job in the
field if I know what the problems are here at home.
And you also said I know
what I said, and I was wrong.
I'll stay around here another three
months, I'll get barnacles.
What about that Great Valley job in Kuala
Lumpur?
When's that start?
After the rains.
You know, you'd better face it.
There's not a thing going on in the field
right now.
Yeah?
There's a man out here who says to tell
you, bare feet make the best shoes.
He said you'd understand.
I haven't got time for practical jokes
now.
Why don't you go upstate and dig a trench
in a vacant lot if you're so restless?
Or buy a dartboard for the office.
Sometimes I'm glad I'm blessed with quiet
blood that doesn't care much what's going on.
Dave McCovey?
And this West, did you let that man get
away?
The one that said the thing about the bare
feet making the best shoes?
Nobody gets rid of Dave McCovey that easy.
Billy boy, how are you?
What do you say, valet?
What's that?
What's that?
Well, it's a couple of mashed potatoes
here and there.
You look the same.
Except, uh, well, this ain't you.
Well, you don't know how right you are
there.
Well, what are you doing?
You got any plans?
Real loose.
But there is one thing I want to talk to
you about.
What's on your mind?
Well, I'm, uh, I'm building a pipeline,
and I'm having trouble.
Where are you building it?
Mexico, Yucatan, about 200 miles south of
a place called Puerto Verde.
And, uh, thing is that I've had about
three different geologists down there.
I see you don't need that many men down in
that gorge.
You can put some of them up on the Ridge.
Right?
You still have the right touch,
Bill.
Boy, this is the first time I've been
anywhere near schedule since I started this job.
Well, then, you go around that shale,
see?
You go around it.
Take care of all your big problems.
I guess we're beginning to see daylight.
Now, come on, relax.
Now, sit down.
You had your head buried in this thing for
three weeks.
Come on, sit down.
You want a cup of coffee?
Yeah.
Oh, stay bond.
Gracias, amigo.
Amigos, civilization has finally found us.
That's nothing.
Contract.
Bills, don't need that.
Here's something in pretty purple.
It's for you.
Hey.
It's from the kids.
You know, I like your attitude about your
family.
You love them, but you don't get tied
down.
You let French handle
It's not bad news, is it?
Jody's turtle died.
Dear Uncle Bill, Alexander quit walking or
swimming or eating.
French says he's dead.
I cried.
Buffy.
P.S.
I didn't, Jody.
P.S.
He did too, Buffy.
We like it better when you're here with
us.
I love me and Buffy.
But that's a great letter.
Now, if this shale extends through here,
we're going to have trouble on the next Ridge.
I guess Cissy wants to help them with the
spelling.
Yeah, well, she's a big girl.
Now, what I want to know is, are we going
to have to take tests on this Ridge?
Right here.
No.
Test?
Are we going to have to take tests?
Yeah, yeah, we're going to have to make
tests.
Now, we can't be sure of anything until we
check it out, so we better do the tests ourselves.
Look, I have an idea.
Why don't you call the kids?
No.
Well, you'll save about 15 cents in
stamps.
Come on, come on.
Hello, hello.
Operator, we want to talk to New York
City.
Davis residence.
Mr. Davis, sir.
How splendid that you should call.
Well, I got the kid's letter, and I thought
I'd better call and see how you all are.
Oh, we're proceeding well, sir.
You, of course, were told of the demise of
Alexander.
Yes, sir.
He was laid to rest with considerable pump
at the foot of the botted barn.
Well, you tell the kids I'll get him
another turtle when I come home.
How's everything else?
Well, Cissy's in bed with a cold,
sir.
She's in bed?
Oh, yes, sir, but nothing to be alarmed
about.
A simple head cold.
She'll be back in school tomorrow.
You kept her out of school?
Oh, well, yes, sir.
The doctor suggested it.
You had to call a doctor?
Just a simple precaution, sir.
Cissy's fine.
Yes, sir, and the twins are still in
school.
No need to worry.
You may continue with your project,
sir, quite secure in the knowledge that
I'll be looking after the children and all
their wants.
Well, uh, just give them my love then and tell
them I'll be back in a couple of weeks, okay?
Right.
Bye-bye.
Okay?
Okay.
Now, as they say, we gotta run these
tests, we gotta do it ourselves.
How.
come you're going to stay at someone's
house?
Well, because girls visit each other when
they get older.
How long is older?
When you're my age.
Where's Mr. French?
Taking a nap.
Well, he knows I'm gonna stay with him.
He's been with Kathy for a few days.
He knows a number.
So, I may as well go ahead.
Bye-bye, Buffy.
Is it okay if I write a letter to Uncle
Bill?
Oh, sure.
But be sure to have Mr. French correct the
spelling.
Bye-bye, Buffy.
Goodbye, Cissy.
Can Esteban get here with the mail?
No.
Should he?
Yeah, every other day.
Just, he couldn't get through.
I don't think the telephone lines are out,
just the roads.
I'm gonna find out if Cissy's okay.
Well, is this the same guy who back in Korea
wouldn't lie down for five minutes when he had malaria?
Hello?
That you, Buffy?
Me too.
Me too, Uncle Bill.
He's on the other phone.
Good.
How's Cissy?
She's okay.
Well, fine.
Everything going all right, is it?
Sure.
That's good.
How's French?
He's okay, except we think he has the fly.
The flu.
He's got the flu?
Yeah, only it's all right, because we're
taking care of him.
So he'll get over being sick.
You get Cissy on the phone, you hear?
Quick.
She's not here, Uncle Bill.
Don't worry, Uncle Bill.
We gotta go now.
Yeah, we gotta make Mr. French some tea.
Only if we can't get it to Pearl.
No, you kids stay away from there.
Hello?
Hello?
Buffy?
Jody!
No.
surprise, Mr. French with an omelet.
Okay, I gotta go stick this on his head.
Oh, Jody.
Oh, Jody, I know you meant well,
but really, sloshing damp rags on a chap
when he's down, I mean, that's not
cricket.
It's for your fever.
They use it on television.
Well, I don't have a fever.
I indicated the same to the
doctor on the telephone, and
he suggested two aspirin at
intervals and complete rest.
Want me to read you a bedtime story?
No, no, Jody, no, thank you.
I'd just like to take a nap, hmm?
Okay.
Yeah, said I don't get into any mischief
because I have absolutely no desire to get up.
Now, will you go?
Hey, I think I've got him.
Hello?
Yeah, he's here.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Here.
Hello?
Hello, Jody?
Jody, this is Uncle Bill.
Hi, Uncle Bill.
Want me to call Buffy?
Jody, now you listen to me, son.
I want you to call French to the phone.
I want you to call French to the phone.
Sorry, Uncle Bill, but Mr. French can't
get up.
He can't get up?
Jody?
Jody!
Where are you going in the storm?
Out.
You won't get as far as the river.
What did Jody have to say?
French is sick.
He must be pretty bad off because he can't
even get up.
Say, wait a minute.
I'll go with you.
Uncle Bill was just on the phone.
Good.
Did he?
Tell him how we're taking care of Mr.
French?
Yeah.
Only he keeps hanging up.
Good heavens.
What time is it?
The big hand is on the five and the little
hand is on the six.
Is there such a thing as 56 O'clock?
No, Jody.
By George, I seem to be myself again.
Buffy, what do you have in that bowl?
An omelet I'm making for you.
She's got to have your permission to turn
on the stove.
It'll be the first omelet I ever made in
my life.
Oh, I quite believe it.
If you don't like omelets, I made you some
peanut butter sandwiches.
They already got your two aspirins in
them.
Thank you just the same, Jody.
Shall I cook the omelet, Mr. French?
I have a better idea, Buffy.
I can easily make the journey to that
little restaurant across the street.
Why don't we eat out tonight?
Yay, nice!
Where are you going?
We're going to put the sandwiches and the
omelet in the refrigerator.
In case you get hungry during the night.
I told you it wouldn't get as far as the
river.
I thought we were in the river.
Listen, imagination's a weird thing.
Get two guys in a remote spot,
a garbled telephone conversation,
next thing you know, World War III
started.
Right.
You know, if you were smart, you'd stay
away from the telephone and get a night's rest.
Right.
But you're not going to be smart,
huh?
Right.
Shall we leave, Sissy, you know?
Oh, there's no need.
She won't be home till tomorrow evening.
Hello.
No answer.
No answer?
What do you mean, no answer?
Guy's sick, he couldn't very
well Couldn't very well what?
Well, I mean, if he was sick, he couldn't
very well get up and walk out, could he?
Maybe he did.
Why didn't the kids answer?
Well, the kids couldn't answer if they
weren't there.
If they're not there, they're probably at
their neighbor's.
That is, if somebody came and got French.
If who came and got French?
Ambulance, maybe.
I had a different picture.
What?
Are you sure you got the right number when
you called New York just now?
Well, it rang.
Yeah, it rang, but it might have been
ringing in Paris for all you.
No, try it again.
Heard one ring, you heard them all.
Let's just send the one you got the wrong
number.
Thanks for walking me to the door,
Scotty.
I'll be okay now.
Mr. French!
Buffy?
Hello?
Cissy, is that you?
See, now you can relax.
Yes, Uncle Bill.
I just came into the apartment.
Where is everybody?
Cissy, I'm way down in the jungles in
Yucatan.
You tell me where everybody is.
I don't know.
Are you sure?
Look around!
Okay.
Nobody home?
She doesn't think so.
Please, Uncle Bill.
Uncle Bill, there's no note.
Now, Cissy, you just take it easy.
Take it easy.
Cissy?
Cissy?
Gone dead?
Well, she didn't find any bodies around,
so that rules out foul play, and it was no
sign of a fight, so that gets that out of
the way.
So what's left?
Now, nobody's going to walk in and kidnap a
sick man and two small children, so that leaves.
..
Well, if we go over the Ridge,
we won't have to cross the river.
It's longer, but I'll get my hat.
This is my problem.
You stay here.
I want you right here by the phone in case
they try to get through again.
Come on, children.
Can't we go walk in the rain, Mr. French?
What?
Most assuredly not.
Hey, there's Cissy.
Hi, Cissy.
Hi, Cissy.
What are you doing here, child?
Oh, I phoned home and didn't get any
answer.
I was worried.
I was worried.
Uncle Bill's been calling us on the phone.
Well, he called again, but we were cut
off.
Yeah, every time he calls, that happens.
Mr. Davis has been calling you children?
All the time.
He sounds nervous.
What did you tell him?
He said you were awful, awful sick.
Oh, good heavens.
Oh, man.
Why, he must be late.
He's living under a profound
misapprehension.
Hey, the storm's letting up, and the foreman
says we can get to Puerto Verde in the truck.
Right, right.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, I'll take the call,
sure.
See, now you can get the whole story.
The storm has finally blown itself out.
French, that you?
Almost assuredly, sir.
Hey, it's raining in our bedroom window.
Shall we close them?
Well, of course, close them.
Oh, the Ming is gone, sir.
The Ming?
Somebody take the Ming vase?
We seem to be having a storm here of
hurricane proportions, sir.
A hurricane?
French?
Hey, French, how about the kids?
How about the kids, French?
Well, now it's gone dead on their end.
Yeah, at least, you know, French is okay,
all that worrying for nothing.
Right.
What was that stuff about a hurricane?
He said they were having a storm of
hurricane proportions.
Well, it'll be safe in the apartment.
Who'd steal a vase?
Somebody stole
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Whoever stole it must have left a long
time ago.
Yeah, he wouldn't be calling me if the
burglar was still in the apartment.
But But
Except why would he call me way down here,
huh?
Why not?
He probably wanted to tell you about the
vase and the kids and the storm and
I'll get the truck.
Now, tell me, do we have all our various
school accoutrements about our persons?
Have we, Cissy?
Yes.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Hi, hi, kids.
Hi, sis.
Well, I see you're all fine.
Why, did we have some doubts, huh?
Some.
Boy, Uncle Bill, am I glad to see you.
We've been racking our brains for a
subject for my next composition.
And Mr. French thinks that the ramifications
of language due to the conquest would be nice.
But I thought maybe I'd write about long
hair and men.
Cissy, I got the perfect subject for an
essay.
Imagination.
Imagination?
What would I write about a subject like
that?
When you come home tonight, I'll give you
a couple of good examples.
Goodbye, Uncle Bill.
Goodbye, Uncle Bill.
It won't be long till Come on,
Johnny.
Goodbye, Uncle Bill.