Leanne (2025) s01e11 Episode Script

1
When I met your mama's folks,
I was an hour early, and I brought a mule.
We could hear him click-clacking
all the way down the road.
How old are you guys?
I swear, Andrew's never late.
How's my hair? Is it holding?
- Hair's fine, and you're spoken for.
- Aw.
Try calling him again.
Well, I hate to bug him at his job.
- I hope he didn't get shot.
- Why would you say that?
Sorry, I pretty much
say every thought I have.
Your ankles look big today.
I should have let it set
a little bit longer.
I gotta eat. My blood sugar's crashing.
Me too. Let's dip, Daddy.
Drop it and smooth it over.
- Hey.
- Hey, I'm so sorry
He's here!
Everybody's just dying to meet you.
- Leanne, I…
- Yeah.
Mom and Daddy,
this is FBI Special Agent Andrew Madden.
So nice to meet you both.
Well, you were right, Leanne.
He is a tasty snack.
Leanne, I really…
You just come scooch
right down next to me.
I want to know everything about you.
Where you were born,
what church you go to.
Why you were late.-…
Well, Dayton, Ohio. I don't go to church,
and I was late because
I was arresting Carol's boyfriend.
You don't go to church?
Come on, deep breaths.
In.
And out.
In.
- And out.
- As opposed to what?
I'm so sorry, Carol.
- What did Dylan do?
- Maybe we should talk in private.
We don't have any secrets in this family.
Well, what about your brother, Kenny?
You have a brother?
I'll tell you about it when you're older.
- Go on.
- … how do I put this?
How about in a way
that doesn't make me hate you.
He robbed banks.
Try again.
Maybe you're mixing him up
with someone else?
No, it's him. Dylan McQuaid.
He's a bit of a legend.
I've been chasing him for years.
Finally nailed the slippery bastard.
Language.
Sorry, ma'am.
This is unbelievable.
He was a ghost till he showed up
on your mom's Facebook page.
I helped the FBI catch a bank robber?
You did, thank you.
Yeah, thank you!
Is there a reward?
Yeah, I'll look into it.
What kind of bank robber was he?
What does that mean?
Well, are we talking cold-blooded like
Warren Beatty in Bonnie and Clyde,
or sensitive antihero
like Al Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon?
The man stole people's hard-earned money.
What else do you need to know?
So does the IRS, Daddy.
You say it every April.
At least you know he's alive.
He is alive, right?
Very much so, and they're waiting
for me to interview him.
You have to go now? But we've got pie.
I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.
This is not how I wanted to meet you.
Let's do it again sometime
under better circumstances.
Sure. Let's all have a picnic
at my boyfriend's public hanging!
Nobody's getting hung.
Grammar. Pictures get hung.
People get hanged.
I always mess that one up.
- They're waiting for me at the office.
- Thank you for giving us a heads-up.
- I'll call you later.
- Okay.
So, what do you think?
Did you try for the bed and just give up?
Kind of.
Mom and Daddy said goodbye.
And I'm sure a few other choice words,
like what a loser I am,
disgrace to the family,
got what she deserved.
Sure, but mainly goodbye.
So crazy.
A real-life bank robber in our own home.
I always knew something was off.
I just looked the other way like always.
That's not true.
Come on.
Let's run through my greatest hits.
Remember Nick?
- Is he the one that stole your car?
- No, that was Brian.
Nick stole my identity.
For five years, I owned
a Bally's Total Fitness and never knew it.
Think of all the free classes
we could have taken.
I was born with a bad picker.
You lead with your heart.
There's nothing wrong with that.
You're right, in 10 to 15,
we'll live happily ever after.
I won't let you blame yourself for this.
We all fell for Dylan, even Daddy.
Then we're a family of idiots.
You just need a good night's sleep.
You want me to bring my wave machine in?
Makes you feel like
you've washed up on shore.
No, that just reminds me
of when Julio stranded me in Cancún.
Hey, you. It's me.
I need a favor.
Andrew had to pull a lot of strings
to set this up.
And I appreciate it.
- How do I look?
- Cute.
Interrogation room chic.
Okay.
A few rules.
- Your boyfriend's in handcuffs.
- I've seen him in those before.
There's no touching.
Same rules we had.
You only get five minutes.
That's where our paths diverge.
And we'll be watching.
Never happened, but was discussed.
- Please don't make me regret this.
- I'll behave.
You're gonna be okay.
Just speak from your heart.
Hey, baby.
God, I've missed you.
You son of a bitch!
I regret this.
She's almost done.
There.
How could you do this to me?
I trusted you.
I introduced you to my family.
I know. I'm so sorry.
How are your folks, by the way?
Bathtub holding up?
Who cares about a bathtub?
You're a bank robber!
Is that even a thing anymore?
Well, I admit,
you know, it's a dying art form.
Art form.
You're not shackled to a table
for being a mime.
I get it. You're upset.
You walk into banks and yell,
"Stick 'em up!"
Well, there's a little nuance to it.
I've got a speech,
a variety of colorful masks.
Try to be polite,
and I never make the women
lay on the floor.
How do you live with yourself?
Look, is it wrong? Yes.
Have I tried to walk away?
Yeah… sort of.
You had no problem walking away from me.
Believe it or not, that's been
the worst part of this whole thing.
I don't believe it.
I thought I fell in love
with a sweet plumber.
You did! I'm in the union.
It's just that plumbing doesn't give me
the same adrenaline rush.
Have you tried sugar? Maybe a Red Bull?
I'll admit, ninth grade,
I stole a mascara from Walgreens.
It was an accident, but by the time
I found out I got away with it,
there was a tingle.7
So was anything true?
What about your wife dying of cancer?
Actually, that's what led me
to my first bank job.
She was so sick.
And when our insurance ran out,
I needed to find the money somewhere.
God, now I feel bad.
I can't do this.
I'm lying again.
I was married.
A stripper in Vegas.
For whatever reason, it didn't work out.
So was I just a place for you to lay low
until you moved on to your next hit?
Initially, yeah.
But you were different.
What we had was different.
You snuck up on me.
So did the SWAT team.
I love you, Carol.
That's the God's honest truth.
Aw, that's so sweet.
You're leaning against the intercom.
Oopsie.
Oopsie.
I hope seeing him gave you some closure.
Nope.
I know he lied about a lot,
but when he said, "I love you,"
that felt real.
Well, thank you for weighing in, Leanne.
That really slaps a smile
on the whole robbery-stripper-wife stuff.
Is there anything I can do to help?
- Just take me to a bar.
- No!
You're the one
who wanted me to get closure.
I'll get closure
from bottomless margaritas.
I'm not letting you make more bad choices.
We're going home or to a Cracker Barrel.
Fine, I will destroy a Cracker Barrel.
Stupid.
Lame.
Boring.
Educational.
You sure you don't wanna go
to Mom and Daddy's with me?
No, I'm having fun.
Ugly.
You can't spend the rest of your life
hating the world.
Yes, I can.
Sports.
Enough.
I'm worried about you.
There are many ways to take care
of a broken heart, and this is not it.
You don't understand.
It's not that he lied about what he did.
It's that he lied about us.
He said he was making plans
for our future, that he…
He wanted to build a life together,
and I just…
That's the lie I can't get past.
That's it, I'm canceling tonight,
and I'm gonna hate-watch TV with you.
No. You go have your do-over dinner
with Andrew. I'll be fine.
You sure?
Okay, well, if you need me,
call me and I'll come home.
All right.
Singing children!
Mrs. Hayes, whatever you're cooking,
it smells delicious.
Well, that's my blue-ribbon pot roast.
Mama won three years in a row
at the county fair.
And didn't have to wear no low-cut dress
like that tramp Opal Mitchell.
Well, never trust a woman
who slow-cooks in heels.
Amen.
They weren't heels.
They were orthopedic inserts.
I'm still rooting for your mama.
And thank you again for the flowers.
Well, I just really appreciate
you giving me a second chance
at making a first impression.
You were just doing your job.
Any update on that reward?
Daddy, please.
I still can't believe that fine young man
turned out to be a criminal.
You spend much time with Dylan?
We were all fond of him.
He spent the day here
building Mama a walk-in tub.
Did a real good job too.
New stone, drywall.
Is that so?
Didn't charge us a dime.
All right, who's ready to eat dinner?
Do you mind
if I take a look at that bathroom?
There's a pretty good chance
this'll be the last time
I'm invited to either of your homes.
They just keep coming out.
It's like watching ants.
Maybe I should cut up that roast
and fix those boys some sandwiches.
Okay, I've been searching
for an elegant way to say this.
Your bathroom's a crime scene.
So all this time, I have been
bathing on top of stolen money?
And jewelry and a few gold bars.
Any chance we can not
tell Carol about this?
There's a news van on the front lawn.
I hope it's that fellow from Channel 4
who always says,
"Good evening, Knoxville."
We're gonna have to clear the whole house.
Well, who's gonna fix my bathroom?
You and Mama can stay with me
until we get everything sorted out.
I'll make a few calls,
see if I can scare up some reward money.
I like him.
Good evening, Knoxville…
He's here! He's here!
I can't believe I'm back to bathing Mama.
We're out of bubble bath.
It's just clear water.
What a strange week.
Yeah.
But questions answered, lessons learned,
and people are gonna get
their stolen money back.
And best of all,
you're gonna be just fine.
We got the worst behind us,
and tomorrow is a new day.
Yep.
Good night.
Carol, I can feel you thinking.
- It's just…
- What?
Nothing.
You're still thinking.
It turns out he was telling the truth.
Come again?
He really does love me.
No! No, he does not.
You said it yourself. He sounded genuine.
I was spitballing.
Think about it.
He could have stashed that money anywhere,
and he stashed it
at Mama and Daddy's house.
And then he was asking me about the tub,
and that was clearly sending a code.
He was coming back to me.
No, Andrew found him in the Yukon.
That is not coming back to you.
You're wrong.
That money was for our future.
Have you lost your mind? He's a criminal.
Yeah, but his feelings for me were real.
What is happening?
I wasn't being played.
And I think I'm ready
to take the next step.
Don't you say it.
Prison wife.
If he'll have me.
I'm glad we got a chance to do this, sir.
You should know
your daughter is very special to me.
She's smart.
She's beautiful. She's got a good heart…
Yeah, yeah, terrific.
Who actually shot JFK?
…Wh-wh… Sorry?
Come on. I'm an old man.
I fought for this country.
- I deserve to know the truth.
- And I thank you for your service.
All right, one sip, it's the Cubans.
Two sips, it's the Italians.
Three sips, it's Jackie
'cause of Marilyn Monroe.
You got to drink that tea sometime, son.