Make Some Noise (2022) s01e11 Episode Script

1
(broadcast signal)
(retro muzak)
- What sounds did I silence in the edit?
Here's what got cut from
- [Sam and Audience] Make Some Noise!
(upbeat music)
- You asked for it and
so here it is again,
a very special, cut-for-time
episode of Make Some Noise.
And so I answer again,
"Why would I cut anything
out of these improv masterpieces?"
The answer, more or less,
to turn them into said masterpieces.
See improv is by its
very nature, a crapshoot,
which is why this episode
won't be everything I cut,
not by a long shot, but instead the stuff
that was on the bubble.
Firstly, because it was
just plain unsuccessful.
Most of these prompts
don't end in laughter,
but here is a rare
instance of one that did.
(upbeat xylophone riff)
Zac and Brennan.
- Okay, okay.
- A school paper and
the plagiarized version
of that same paper with
only a few words changed.
- To Kill a Mockingbird
is the story not only
of a group of children
living in the American south,
but of the justice system that
they realize they will come
to inherit and the
strife that that brings.
(laughing)
uh (all laughing)
- To Kill a Mockingbird is the story of
(laughing) children in America
uh, and
their times and, and, can
I read your part again?
their times and, and, can
I read your part again?
(all laughing)
Can you just read your part again?
- The character of
Atticus Finch stands tall
in the narrative of this story.
- The character of Atticus Finch
is the tallest man I've ever seen.
(laughing)
This guy's huge.
- Meanwhile, the figure
of Boo Radley looms
as a commentary and a metaphor.
- Boo! Did I Radley ya?
(all laughing)
- By following the legal drama unfolding
within the context of
a coming-of-age story,
we are able to paint a picture
of this part of American life.
- (sighs) Oh brother.
(all laughing)
- I'll cut you off there.
It turned out to be the prompt
of the student who could not successfully
plagiarize his classmate's paper.
- Probably more than a few
words off, I would say.
There's a moment when you started talking
where I was like, "Oh, I- I lost it."
- I fully lost it.
- Secondly, obscurity.
Because I felt the joke was too obscure,
too inside-baseball, too my
taste and my taste alone.
Here's Josh Ruben doing an impression
that's just for me, Brian
and SungWon answering
a very dry prompt, if I do say so myself,
and Jake and Vic doing a bit
of Hollywood industry humor.
(upbeat xylophone riff)
Josh, Christoph Waltz threateningly offers
to shovel your driveway.
- Hello, I notice it's getting
a little bit frosty outside,
- Hello, I notice it's getting
a little bit frosty outside,
so I thought maybe I'd
bring over a big metal piece
so I thought maybe I'd
bring over a big metal piece
of equipment and scrape
it all off to your liking
of equipment and scrape
it all off to your liking
to make it safe.
That's a bingo!
(all laughing)
Merry, Merry Christmas.
Don't forget the cream.
- Don't forget the cream?
- Don't forget the cream?
- It's a reference from
the first film that I did
with Quentin Tarantino,
Inglourious Basterds.
There was a scene when I said,
"Don't forget the cream,"
to Mélanie Laurent,
who is a great actress.
(all laughing)
- I'll take your word for it, Josh.
Brian and SungWon.
Two nerdy teens trade senator cards.
- [Caitlin] Oh my god.
- Yeah, I got the holographic McClintock.
I mean they haven't, they
haven't put out the holographic,
like any of the independents, right?
- Okay, but has it been
professionally graded
holographic McClintock or-
- I'm sorry, do you think
that I would not get
it professionally graded?
- I'll give you a McLeary, a McStephens,
and a non-holographic McNarens.
- You have the whole dang Irish set?
(Caitlin and Sam laughing)
I'll give you the holographic McClintock,
but there it is absolutely no way
that you're getting my McCain.
- I mean McCain's not worth
that much, but I mean-
- Oh!
- I can give you
some of the Scottish set
if you give me that McCain.
- Well, throw in a McLeary
and then I'll be doing that.
- McLeary?
- 'Cause I know you have that one
but you don't bring it to school.
- (laughing) I'll cut you off there.
Jake and Vic.
- (sighs) Yeah.
- A dialect coach and
the star of the movie,
"Bad British Accent."
- We're gonna hit some cues, okay,
and you're just gonna
repeat after me, all right?
- Great. I'm really excited
to be working with you.
- Congratulations on the role,
it's huge, it's huge.
- Hey, thank you!
It's my first big one.
- All right, you ready?
- Yes.
- It's simply too much.
- Okay, can, sorry, can you
give me that one more time?
- It's simply too much.
- [Both] It's simply too much.
- I'm feeling Italian.
- Okay, you want to, it's
all in the soft palette
and then the air's going out
of the nasal.
- Out of there.
- [Both] Simply too much.
- You don't have to say it the same time
as me.
- Oh, sorry.
- You can just like, it's
sort of like, you hear it
and then you try it.
- Sure, I'm nervous!
- It's fine, you're doing great!
- You're very talented.
- You got the part.
- I know, I know, okay, okay, yeah.
- I won't be having this much any longer.
- I won't be having this much any longer.
- Okay, you see how you,
you're trying to throw it,
but don't throw it, swallow it.
- Say that one more time?
- Well which one's my mother?
- Which one's my mother?
That felt a little better.
Am I still throwing it?
`- You're throwing it, you're throwing it.
I'm supposed to also
- I'm trying to think
about soft pallette.
- be positive as a coach.
Uh-huh, that's a tongue
thing, it's not a jaw thing.
- Simply, okay, okay!
(Jacob exclaims)
- She's got it, she's got it.
- Do it again, do it again.
- It's simply too much.
- It's simply too much.
- Yes, good, good, good.
- Oh okay, yeah!
- You kinda wanna imagine
like you're a wind sock
that's going to get blown away.
- Well my character works on a wind farm.
- Mm, what is the movie again?
- (laughing) And I'll cut you off there.
The most remarkable thing about that scene
was you did get better
doing what he was doing.
(all laughing)
Third, copy cats.
Because since the shoot, I
found the same joke elsewhere.
Look we all feed from the
same comedy trough of ideas
and there's no shame in doing something
that's been done before.
There's only shame in
allowing it into the edit.
Here's Josh doing a Make No Noise bit
I later found Fred Armisen
doing exactly on Conan,
Lisa and Mary doing a
prompt I later realized
was an old CollegeHumor
sketch that I had greenlit,
Ross and Anna doing
something I later realized
was too similar to another
Make Some Noise bit
from the same season, and,
finally, Brennan and Zac
doing a prompt I finally
felt was too reminiscent
of one of their greatest hits.
Enjoy.
(upbeat xylophone riff)
For this, we are going to mix things up.
This is Make No Noise.
Joshua!
(Josh grunts)
- Fast-motion footage of an animal carcass
being eaten by bugs.
Oh god! (laughing)
Josh, that's gonna haunt me.
That's gonna haunt my nightmares.
Lisa and Mary, two flight attendants
prepare their passengers
for any scenario possible.
- Hi guys, welcome on
board American Airlines.
It's so nice to have you with us today.
- Please take your seat
and if you're going
through a breakup or anything like that,
you can ask us for Kleenex at any time.
We'll also talk you through what it's like
if a boyfriend cheats
on you with someone else
that you know that's
a really close friend.
- If you pee your pants,
don't worry about it.
We'll actually come around,
we've got a couple diapers
in the back, we'll give you a little wipe,
and we'll clean you right up.
- That's right, and if
you were playing tennis
at any point this afternoon
and you hurt your elbow,
your nose, your knees, or your toes,
we can come on by.
We have cool packs, ice packs,
and little tensor bandages.
- Yeah, if you have an
elephant in the cargo below,
just know that we are taking
great care of your elephant.
We're feeding it hay,
we're feeding it peanuts,
we're teaching it tricks. (laughing)
- Did you go to the salon
and you got a hair color
that you didn't like?
The blonde came off a little bit bronze-y?
We can come around and tell
you, "Hey girl, it looks good."
- And if you decide you
kinda wanna go skydiving,
that's cool with us, that's
absolutely fine with us.
We just hope that you, you know,
use the safety protocols that we've asked
and you can just kind of pop open one
of the doors and just pop on out.
- That's right, and if
you have your period,
we don't have tampons.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Thank you.
- Anna and Ross.
Announcing Thanksgiving Day Parade floats,
but the mushrooms are kicking in.
- Another beautiful year here
at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
- That's right, Diane.
Just when I think they
can't top themselves,
they go and do it again.
And look here, it's Mr. Snoopy the Dog.
Snoopy the Dog is decked
out in Christmas gear
because he's heralding
in that time of year.
- The vibes from Snoopy
(Sam laughing)
are crazy.
- Yes, Snoopy is hanging in the air,
suspended as though in a liquid.
(all laughing)
The air is the same as
some liquids, chemically.
- I feel like that Snoopy kinda
looks like my uncle Michael.
- You know when Snoopy
fights the Red Baron?
- Yes.
- Isn't it messed up that
we make dogs go to war?
(laughing)
- Right?
- Oh my God, it's a turkey.
- Hello, big turkey, I'm Anna.
You look like my uncle Michael.
- (laughing) I'll cut you off there.
Zac and Brennan.
One half of this couple
put a lot more work
into writing their wedding
vows than the other.
- You are more than a partner.
You are everything to me.
For the rest of my life,
I will spend every day
in the earnest attempt to
make my time a testament
to how you have completed me.
There is nothing I
cherish more in this world
than your love and your time.
- One time you farted
and it was pretty narsty.
(Josh and Sam laughing)
And the fact that we didn't
break up must mean something.
And the fact that we didn't
break up must mean something.
I love you?
- (laughing) Oh, I'll cut you off there.
- [Josh] Narsty!
Fourth, everyone's favorite
category, bad taste.
Now showing you this stuff
rather defeats the point
of cutting it out, so here
we'll just skim the surface.
Here's Josh giving us
something I finally felt
was a touch crude, Jacob doing the same,
and finally a Ross,
Anna, and Jacquis prompt
that Jacquis took
completely off the rails,
shown with his permission, of course.
(upbeat xylophone riff)
Josh, an adult from
Peanuts having phone sex.
(Josh flirting in gibberish)
(Josh getting aroused in gibberish)
(Josh moaning in gibberish)
(Josh moaning and screaming in gibberish)
(Josh orgasming in gibberish)
- (poof) You know what I mean?
- Oh wow, Josh.
You know, it's exactly what I asked for
and so I don't know why I'm doing this,
but negative one point for you.
(Brennan and Zac laughing)
- (in gibberish) What?
- Jake, a nude model can't help
but talk to the class about their scars.
- Hi, everybody.
(Jacob grunts)
(Sam and Zac laughing)
- Oh, this, this? Yeah, it's a skin graft.
I was in northern Thailand,
bit of a moped incident.
I was going to a waterfall,
it got a little slick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Thai hospitals.
That's why it's a different color,
you know, they just don't,
it doesn't graft the same.
What do you see when you look at it?
See Michigan, right?
Kinda looks like Michigan?
Looks like a state right there, yeah.
Yeah.
That's from badminton.
(all laughing)
That's a badminton
incident. It was the racket.
Myanmar, I was in Myanmar
playing badminton.
(groans) Spent a lot of
time in South East Asia.
That was the wrong- I'm in the wrong room?
- (laughing) And I'll cut you off there!
Just in front of bunch
of kids learning algebra?
(Jacob laughing)
Ross, Jacquis, Anna.
America's Got Talent judges
judging the craziest act
they've ever seen.
- (prolonged groan of
confusion and disgust)
I'm gonna be real with you, dawg.
- Oh man!
- That was the worst shit
I ever seen in my life.
- Is your leg okay?
I see bone.
- It seemed to me at first as
though it was unintentional.
- Yeah.
- And then you just started
manhandling that little bone.
(laughing)
- That was so bad
that I might put myself
back in the slave trade
and go back to-
- What?
- That's how bad it was, man.
I might put myself as that-
- Is that an option?
- This is so bad that I, you know,
I don't wanna be free here no more
because this ain't freedom.
- I can't believe I'm saying this,
but watching what you
did also made me want
to amend, amend the Constitution.
(all laughing)
- I didn't, I don't wanna do that.
- If Abraham Lincoln would've been like,
"The Emancipation Proclamation"-
- Again, I don't support that.
- [Ross] I don't, I can't.
- [Anna] I can't get behind that.
- It is about to be passed.
- I'll cut you off there.
(all laughing)
Jacquis, you can expect an email from me
about whether or not you really
wanna put that in this show.
(all laughing)
Ross is like, "Yeah, I'm
gonna join this bit."
Anna's like, "I'm not
gonna join this bit."
- I said, "Not for me,
not for me to join."
- Finally, evenness.
You see, when I cut a prompt,
I cut two more prompts
from that same round in order
so that rounds feel even.
We shoot 25 prompts per
episode of Make Some Noise
We shoot 25 prompts per
episode of Make Some Noise
and only 15 to 20 make
it into the episode,
which yes, is brutal, but so is showbiz.
(upbeat xylophone riff)
Brennan, a Venetian gondolier's song
is clearly angling for a tip.
- Huh, this is your first time in Venice?
Well, let me welcome you!
The city of dreams
where everything seems ♪
So beautiful if you can afford it ♪
We go through the night
and you see the lights ♪
And remember ♪
My salary is dependent on
tips, it's below minimum wage.
I do have a family.
You come from the west
and you look for love ♪
You come from the west
and you look for love ♪
And so I will stop ♪
Until you give me at least 200 lira,
which is very affordable.
The boat won't move until
I see some indication
that I am not busting
my ass for no reason.
- Oh my God, give him a tip, Harold.
(Sam laughing)
- Jacquis and Anna.
A couple one week from breaking
up goes grocery shopping.
- I was thinking soup tonight.
- Whatever.
- I said I was thinking soup tonight.
- Okay, yeah, we can get Progresso.
I was thinking (quietly)
we can see other people.
(Sam and Ross laughing)
- What?
Did you literally just say,
"I was thinking we see other people"
as I was bringing up soup for dinner?
- Will you stop screaming
at me in the middle
of this Ralph's?
- Gaslighting.
That's gaslighting. You're
gaslighting me in Ralph's?
- No, stop, lower your voice.
- I'm getting soup materials
and you don't have to have any of it.
- I won't, I love your
soup, I love your soup.
- You just like my pussy.
- I just don't
love you anymore.
Yes, I do like your pussy.
- I'll cut this off here.
I think there were three
people in that scene.
There was Jacquis, Anna, and Anna's finger
and they were all, they
all had equal air time.
Caitlin.
- Hi.
A YouTuber doing a CTA, but you can tell
she's barely keeping it
together emotionally.
- Um, thank you for watching my
(sorrowful) bouclé sofa DIY tutorial.
If you want to, please
smash that subscribe button
and like the video and next week I will
be doing a video on how to grow,
regrow, your house plants back thank you.
- If more YouTubers used the
pity vote, I would subscribe
to way more things.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Brennan.
- Mhm.
A pilot pointing out landmarks,
but it's a little
worrying how he's going on
about our relative insignificance.
- All right, passengers, we've turned off
the fasten seatbelt sign as we've reached
our cruising altitude of 35.000 feet.
Go ahead and take a look out
the left side of the aircraft,
you'll see the beautiful Grand Canyon,
one of nature's most wonderful monuments.
Monument, intended to stand for something,
a living memory, and sort of
wonder, who will remember us?
Who will remember us?
Old Chuck Dabbins
flew for Spirit Airlines
'cause he got drummed outta
Delta for hitting a kid.
(laughing)
- [Brennan] All right
I'll cut you off there, Brennan.
- What trees are saying to each other
through their root systems.
- I think I have every kind of pee on me.
(laughing)
- I know this is paranoid. I
know it's probably not true.
- Okay.
- I think there's an animal in me.
- What?
- You say that every time.
- No, no, no, no, no,
listen, listen, listen,
for real, for real, for real.
- Greg, you say it every time-
- There's an animal in me now, right now.
It could be a squirrel,
it could be a bird.
I don't know 'cause I don't have eyes!
- Listen, as someone who has a family
of owls nestled deep inside,
I am comforted by the fact
that I am someone's home.
Greg, you're being too paranoid,
just commit to being someone's home, okay?
- (gasps) Oh God, what was that?
Oh my God, that was a frost.
That was frost, winter's here again!
- No!
- Oh no!
- Oh my God, everyone,
fucking drop your leaves,
drop all your leaves!
(all groan)
- Oh, God.
- I actually, sorry guys, that,
I think that may have
been an ice cream truck.
- Well fuck me.
- And I'll cut you off there.
Ross and Jacquis.
A post-game interview with
the player who came on,
threw up, passed out,
and was carried away.
(Anna and Ross laughing)
- We're here with Ross James,
distant cousin to LeBron James,
who played his first NBA game today.
Why won't you tell us uh
what the fuck happened?
- Yeah, not a good day for me.
(laughing)
Showed a lot of hustle, a lot of heart,
but gotta be honest, this
is purely a nepotism thing.
I am here because of my family.
Really thought that, you
know, grit and determination
could carry me through.
Turns out, you need talent.
And I hit the court,
immediately became lightheaded,
pretty intimidating.
(laughing)
Barfed in my mouth a little
bit and then the barf
continued to flow from there.
- Now, despite all of that,
you guys still had a chance
to win the game at the buzzer
and LeBron passed you the ball
and you were right under
the rim, nobody around you.
What happened?
- At that time, I was
waving and screaming,
"Please no, don't. Please, I beg you."
He was deaf to my pleas
and passed me the ball.
I caught it by the grace of
God and proceeded to dunk it
into a nearby Gatorade bucket.
(laughing)
Slipped on the Gatorade, got a concussion,
don't know whether or not this is a dream.
(Sam and Anna laughing )
- I will cut you off there,
you two.
That does it for us
here at Make Some Noise,
but worry not!
More Game Changer is
just around the corner.
And after that, more Make Some Noise
in a never ending cycle that
I like to call my life now.
It is a privileged life, a
life spent watching my friends
be funny, and it's all thanks to you.
It is, as ever, an honor to
be your host in residence.
Thank you for watching.
(jazzy music ends)