My Three Sons (1960) s01e11 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
(barks)
Hey, Robbie, company's here.
Pig?
Is that really you?
It's not bad enough you're an hour late.
You show up looking like a window display.
You don't like it?
Well, what's it supposed to be?
It's a dress, ratchet-head.
Well, I worked out that much by myself.
How come's what I want to know.
Does a girl need a reason to wear a dress?
When she's dropping over
to help a fella grind a set of valves?
I-I needn't have come at all, you know.
That's right.
Th-There's plenty of other places I could go;
l-lots of better ways to spend my afternoons.
Nobody hired you.
Here.
As long as I brought this, you might as well have it.
Yeah? Yeah.
Go on, take it.
It's not poisoned.
It's a milled ignition cam.
Isn't it beautiful?
Beautiful? It's the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen.
It must have cost you two weeks' allowance.
Pig, I'll pay you back, honest.
You do and I'll never speak to you again, Robbie Douglas.
(sniffing)
Something sure smells kind of funny.
Oh, um tha-that's me.
It's called "Passionelle."
Beats carbon monoxide, I guess.
Sure is strong.
Aren't you going to try it out?
Huh?
Oh, uh, I'll get the distributor.
There's some ignition wire on the wall.
Want to get it? Okay.
That, uh what'd you call it?
Uh, Passionelle?
Kind of stays with you.
Like onions.
(screams)
(gasps)
(Pig gasping)
L-Look what you've done with your, your greasy paws!
My new dress ruined!
I was just trying to save you.
Save me?!
You nearly broke my neck, you you clumsy ape.
Pig!
Don't you ever call me that
awful name again, Robbie Douglas!
(sobbing)
I'd just as soon we never even spoke.
What's the matter with her?
(sniffing)
Must be that perfume.
You'll be my hob-a-look a-lop-er-op-ah ♪
Friend in the spring ♪
I'll be your flop-a-look a ♪
Okay, Chief Hole in the Head, ante up.
Jeepers, Bub, I don't see
why we always have to wash our hands.
They just get dirty again.
Why do you always have to eat?
We just get hungry again.
Line forms to the left, young man.
I thought, in this country,
a guy was innocent until proven guilty.
This is a miracle.
Clean hands without me telling him.
What do you want?
They should be clean.
He's been in the bathroom for nearly an hour.
An hour?!
Now, Robbie
Well, you'd think it was a new world's record or something.
Well, isn't it?
Well, holy Toledo.
Why's everybody making such a big deal about it?
I went in there to think.
It's the only place in this house
a guy can get any privacy.
Well, if you can get any privacy in there,
you're luckier than I am.
(dishes clanking)
Ah, you're going to make me fat yet, Bub.
(chuckles)
It was a wonderful dinner, Bub.
No dessert for me, thanks.
What's the matter with your food, Robbie?
Everything tastes like cardboard.
Cardboard? What do you m?
I, uh, I've been wondering, Robbie, uh, what's the matter?
Aren't you feeling well?
I feel okay, Dad.
But that's your favorite dinner.
Why haven't you eaten it?
I know why.
Everybody else falls in love in the spring,
but not our little Robbie.
He's got to fall in the fall.
(all chuckling) Well Very funny.
So, uh, that's why you're
all slicked up, huh?
Once, just once in his life,
a guy comes to the table with his hair combed,
and right away there's got to be a girl.
Come to think about it, there was a girl.
Cute little doll, too.
She dropped around this afternoon to see Robbie.
You don't suppose Well, what do you know?
That's what I mean!
No privacy!
Everybody knows everybody else's business.
Well, if you ask me, it stinks.
I'll make a deal with you.
I'll cut my throat if you'll cut yours.
I'll tell you what.
If I'm not back in ten minutes,
you go ahead without me.
Robbie.
Robbie, you in there?
(doorknob rattling)
I'd like to talk to you.
Nothing to talk about.
Robbie, about downstairs, uh, we didn't mean anything
I just want to be left alone.
Putting yourself in solitary
isn't going to solve anything, Rob.
You know, that's why families were invented
So a guy can divvy up his problems.
Who says I've got a problem?
This, uh this girl Bub mentioned
She's got nothing to do with it.
Robbie, it's a little difficult
trying to carry on a conversation through a door.
Who'd have thought a person could change so much?
What?
Pig could do more with a bent cotter pin
than most characters could do
with a whole shop load of equipment.
Six months without a single
beef and then she's got to spoil it.
Just 'cause I call her Pig.
Her?
Y-You mean, uh, Pig is a girl?
A girl?!
No!
Pig's not a girl.
She's she's Pig, that's all.
Girls are you know different.
Uh what, Rob?
Girls are different.
Pig's a mechanic.
Oh.
Well, uh, Rob, mechanic or not, I can understand
why she wouldn't want to be called Pig.
According to Bub, she's kind of cute.
Yeah, I guess, for a girl.
Robbie, uh, why don't you tell her that?
Are you kidding? She'd clobber me.
I wouldn't say that was too high a price to pay
for the services of a good mechanic.
Would you?
Yeah, well, it's not my fault what happened.
How would you like it if you were sweating over an engine
and your mechanic came waltzing in
wearing a fancy dress and soaked with perfume?
Wouldn't that let the air out of your tires?
(phone rings)
Yeah, I guess it might, Rob.
BUB (over phone): I got it. Yeah.
BUB: Robbie, it's for you. Okay.
BUB: A Miss Peggy Meredith.
Tell her I'm not here; I've left town.
Peggy Meredith?
That wouldn't by any chance be our mechanic?
Robert.
Come on, it's not polite to keep a lady waiting.
Yeah, well, when I'm a parent,
you can bet I won't do a son of mine like this.
Hello, Pig.
(click)
She hung up on me.
Is everything all settled?
(door slams)
I've always said there's nothing
like a good heart-to-heart talk
between father and son to clear the troubled air.
What's eating him?
Bub, don't you remember how it was when you were 15?
Are you kidding?
I don't even remember how it was when I was 50.
(rock clunks)
(clunk)
You still awake, too?
Mm.
Got a bellyache?
Something like that.
Maybe it was Bub's dinner.
I didn't eat anything.
Oh.
Wouldn't be any trouble getting to sleep
if we could figure out a way
of turning off that darn ol' moon.
Yeah.
That would be some neat trick, wouldn't it?
Okay, Gordy, over here.
Hey, hey! Not so fast!
Now, that makes six men on your team.
I've only got five.
Hey, there's Pig!
What about her? Come on, Pig.
Come on! (Boys clamoring)
Come on, Pig! No!
BOY: No? Who asked you?
I need another man.
Well, I don't play with girls.
Since when?
Well, since now.
Girls got no place in a sport like football.
But she's different, Robbie.
Ain't a guy in school can center a ball
no straighter than she can.
(boys agreeing)
ROBBIE: Then let her go sign with the Packers.
I don't play with girls.
Look friend
you don't play with girls,
but I don't play five against six.
Okay, Lefty, then we'll play six against five.
You take one of my men.
Bugsy, here, go on over.
Okay, come on, guys!
Hey, wait a minute, man.
Don't we have anything to say about this?
What's the matter, Gordy?
You're not worried, are you?
We could give away 12 points
and still skunk the pants off 'em with no sweat at all.
What's more, you can receive!
(loud, overlapping chatter)
Good luck, Robbie.
Okay, you guys,
the ends of the grass are the boundaries.
We'll defend the goal between the two trees.
(overlapping chatter and shouting)
MAN: Watch it. He's tough.
ROBBIE: All right, you guys, spread out.
We're gonna get this ball off the ground.
It's gonna go clean over to the mountain.
All right, spread out, you guys.
(boys shouting, talking)
What's the matter with you, Gordy?
Can't you hold that ball straight?
Can't you see the ball?
What the heck you blaming me for?
We can play footbal with it.
Better than you.
Now hold that thing or I'm gonna
get Shep to do it. Okay, go on.
Come on, will you hold it straight?
All right, team.
Kick it!
(shouting)
(groaning)
(shouting)
What to go, Gordy!
Our ball, first down.
Come on The name of the game is "Touch."
What's the matter, Lefty?
Didn't you get the license number?
Come on, you guys, let's huddle up.
(shouting)
BOY: That isn't fair! That isn't fair!
Okay, here's the plan.
Okay, let's go on three.
Okay, come on, let's get 'em, man.
Come on, Robbie!
Our team call red and get the quarterback.
One, two, three, four.
BOY: That isn't fair!
That isn't fair!
Come on, Robbie, pass it.
Run! Run!
Come on, Robbie!
Whoa!
Robbie, run! Quick!
Come on!
Come on! Robbie!
Oh, come on, Robbie.
Go! Robbie, what Oh, come on
That isn't fair.
That isn't fair! That isn't fair!
(boys clamoring)
That isn't fair!
That ain't fair!
(angry shouting)
That's the way you want to play?
Well, then, I think it's time
we both took up another sport.
(smack)
BOY: That isn't fair!
(clamoring)
(fists thudding)
Robbie, come on over here under the light.
I want to take another look at that eye.
Put something on that cut.
Having engine trouble?
Yeah. The distributor's got a short somewheres.
I'm trying to track it down.
I wish I could help you.
All I know about a car you could stick in your eye.
The good one.
It's really not so compli Ow!
(gently): I know
It's really not so complicated.
Take this, for instance.
The cam that's what times your spark.
Oh?
But this isn't any ordinary cam.
This has been specially milled.
Cam like this is hard to find.
Where'd you get it?
Pig gave it to me.
Well, that was sweet of her.
Yeah.
Pig's a good Joe.
Was, anyway, before things changed.
Rob, are you sure Peggy's the only one who's changed?
I don't know why things couldn't go on
just like they were.
We used to have such a ball together.
Everything changes, Rob.
Nothing on this earth stays the same.
Some things change very quickly.
You can You can actually see it happening.
And then some things change very slowly and very subtly.
You're not really aware of it
until one day, all of a sudden
That's stupid! Just plain stupid!
What? No wonder I'm all balled up.
I got these two wires crossed right over each other.
Oh.
Yeah, I'd say you had your wires crossed, all right.
Boy, you said it.
Like that darn football game.
Here I am, fighting with Lefty
like he was an enemy or something,
and we been best buddies since the seventh grade.
Darn Mike, always asking me to act my age.
Well, how am I supposed to know what to do?
I wish I knew the magic word.
Oh, me, too.
But there are some things
a father can't help his son with.
Some things you have to suffer through on your own.
Do you mean, like going to the dentist?
Yeah.
BUB: Chow time!
Come and get it!
You go on, Dad.
I'm not hungry.
You know, I, uh
I think you owe Peggy something.
Oh, I'll pay her back.
No, I don't mean for that cam.
I mean, for all the good times you've shared.
Well, what about lately?
Suppose I told you Peggy had a problem, too,
and needed your help?
You know, Robbie, uh girls are
Well, they're pretty complicated mechanisms, too.
And this change you've noticed in Peggy
That-that happens to all of them.
Girls are, uh
Well, they're sort of like caterpillars.
They-They go through a cocoon stage,
and then they finally emerge as beautiful butterflies.
Yeah, well, I liked her better as a caterpillar.
Well, maybe so.
But right now, Peggy isn't either one.
She's not a caterpillar or a butterfly.
She's Well, she's sort of in between.
She's Well, she's just a crazy, mixed-up chrysalis.
That's what she is.
BUB: It's not getting any warmer!
In a minute, Bub!
Robbie, why don't you, uh, do Peggy a favor
like you'd do for an old friend.
Got to be little enough to sacrifice
when you consider all the hours
she's invested in your engine.
What's little enough?
What if you ask her for a date?
A date?! Sure.
Call for her, take her to a movie,
and maybe after the movie,
treat her to a malt and a hamburger,
and then, when you take her to her door,
to cap off the whole evening, maybe, uh
kiss her good night.
Kiss her good night?!
Dad, if this ever got around,
I'd never be able to show my face at school again!
Life's a gamble, Rob.
That's a risk you'll have to take.
Yeah, but maybe she won't want to.
You don't know Pig.
She just might haul off and belt me one.
Well, you still got one good eye left.
Boy, if she ever snitches on me
BUB: If you don't come now, I'm bundling it up
and shipping it to Europe!
Right away, Bub.
Well, come on, Rob.
You better hold a piece of ice on that eye
while you eat, huh?
A day at a time, Rob.
That's the way we all live.
A day at a time.
(crickets chirping)
ROBBIE: What a movie!
How about that guy, giving up his kingdom for a woman!
PEGGY: Oh, I-I thought it was very romantic.
Yeah, I guess if someone likes someone enough
Well, you know what I mean.
Sure.
What I dug He wasn't a pantywaist.
Any guy who can run around
wearing silk stockings and all that lace
and with a braid in his hair,
and still take on ten guys
at a throw has got my vote any time.
Well, you didn't do so badly yourself
at the football game the other day.
Oh, that.
I would've done better,
except Lefty got in the first punch.
Boy, that guy's got two rocks in the end of his arms!
Uh want to sit a while?
I hadn't better.
It's getting kinda late.
Oh. Sure.
Your folks don't worry about the time?
Oh, no, not when I told them who I was going out with.
Dad was kind of, you know,
but Mom said that he wasn't to worry;
that you were a perfect gentleman.
No fooling! She said that?
You know something?
I wouldn't tell this to another guy
but to tell the truth
this is the first real date I've ever had
With a girl, I mean.
You'd never believe it.
It's true!
You, too?
You know something else?
That perfume, Passionelle, it's really not too bad.
Matter of fact, it kind of grows on you.
(door slams inside)
Well Yeah.
You didn't tell me How's the distributor working?
Oh, not so hot.
But the cam's fine.
The cam's just swell.
But I got a short somewhere.
Sure it's in the distributor?
Did you check the coil? The contact may be bad.
I never thought of that!
Pig, you're a flip!
Oh, I didn't mean that.
Honest, I didn't.
Don't be sore.
Please, don't be sore Peggy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Because Ow!
Robby, are you all right?!
(thunder rumbling)
It looks like we're in for a little storm.
We're gonna have a big storm
if that kid doesn't get home pretty soon.
He may be going
through a little rough weather right now.
Dating a girl at his age It's ridiculous.
Well
Bub, next time I offer one of the boys advice,
remind me not to, will you?
(door opens)
I don't know, Bub.
I, uh, I might have left it in the dining room here.
Oh, hi, Rob. I didn't hear you come in.
Have a good time?
Eh.
What's wrong?
I think maybe I got a chipped tooth.
How'd you do that?
Not me, Peggy.
You mean, she did belt you?
Are you kidding?!
(giggles)
BUB (softly): Steve what's the forecast?
Oh, uh, spring fever till around Christmas,
with possible drop in temperatures after New Year's.
Occasional scattered storms
moving in a feminine direction.
No sign of frost.