NTSF:SD:SUV:: s01e11 Episode Script
Twistin' the Night Away
[ Bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace" .]
[ Piper crying .]
[ Kove crying .]
Rhubarb! Rhubarb! [ Tasers zap .]
No! [ Tasers zap .]
Kove: Trent! [ Piper wailing .]
Diego! Diego! Good afternoon, team.
How are you enjoying the new artificial intelligence system we've installed in the S.
U.
V.
s? I'm loving it.
Too damn hot in San Diego.
We got to get back home to Alaska and bag us some eskimo babes.
Sounds like a plan.
Ah, very good.
I can see that the S.
U.
V.
s have bonded with you and are mirroring your personalities.
Sometimes I kill.
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I kill and cry, but mostly I just cry.
It's true.
I don't trust these talking cars.
You'll love this S.
U.
V.
, guaranteed.
Well, let's just see about that.
Nice one.
Sam, meet Damian Thresh.
He's our new intern.
He mysteriously showed up when our last intern mysteriously disappeared.
I want you to show him the ropes today.
Welcome aboard, Damian.
I am so looking forward to working with you, Sam So looking forward.
Great.
Trent: What do you mean, you don't like the San Diego chicken? You heard me.
He's a terrible mascot, a complete joke.
What are you talking about? You're an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- What? What are you doing? This isn't our exit.
- Shut it, flesh bag.
- You shut-- Aah! God! Damn! Unh! Unh! Unh! [ Horn honking .]
[ Tires screech .]
Whoa! It's about to get hot in here.
Seat warmer is getting hot! Buckle up, Mr.
Alaska.
This isn't you, man! This isn't you! [ Tires screech .]
Trent: Come on, now! Pull over! Aah! [ Tires screeching .]
Looks like this S.
U.
V.
is gonna have one less h-u-m-a-n.
[ Tires screeching .]
Trent! [ Gasping .]
Piper! [ Muffled screaming .]
Alphonse: Trent! Trent, the S.
U.
V.
s took Alphonse! They're getting away! Not all of them.
The A.
I.
in the S.
U.
V.
s has gone rogue.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Samuel.
Artificial intelligence would never betray mankind.
There must be someone behind this.
Then it's obviously this Damian guy.
I mean, he's a creepy weirdo.
It's got to be him.
- Hi, Sam.
- Oh.
Is that doll supposed to be me? Who? This doll? Why do you think it's you? Do you want it to be you? It could be you, if you really want it to.
No, thank you.
Unh! You'll never make me talk, human.
Oh, I'll make you sing, S.
U.
V.
I just hope you do it in key.
Trent, we don't torture.
We're N.
T.
S.
F.
[ Scoffs .]
Now I'm not.
Now, I asked you-- Why did you turn on us? Do your worst, Hauser.
I asked you why! - Aah! - Stop it! Don't lower yourself to this S.
U.
V.
's level.
You're asking the wrong question, chief.
It's not why.
It's who.
Okay, then who? It's not so much who as how.
[ Laughs evilly .]
You gas-guzzling bastard! Aah! [ Steam hissing .]
Great, Trent.
Now we're never gonna know how, who, or why did this! The only mystery, Piper, is who taught you grammar.
Take a look.
What do you know about drive bot technologies? It's a dead end.
Not quite dead.
I did some research, and I found out the S.
U.
V.
s' A.
I.
is operated by remote.
I hacked the system and found out the signal is coming from a satellite in deep space.
And may I say, it is a great pleasure to meet you, Agent Hauser-- A great, great pleasure.
Who the hell is this guy? 'Cause I like him a lot.
Great work.
This doesn't creep anyone else out? Trent: The S.
U.
V.
s are just pawns.
There's a mystery king out there, and he just castled with the rook, but I'm about to move my queen.
If you've ever met my queen, you would know she's a real bitch.
When she gets mad, she looks for a mate, but not the kind of mate you have sex with-- the kind you pay for with a check: A checkmate.
And this checkmate's about to be cashed right after I endorse it with blood.
Uh, what does that mean? It means I'm going to space.
Sam: Just say "I'm going to space" next time.
I thought we were friends.
I thought we were tight.
[ Engine revs, tires screech .]
Alaska forever! Useless, buddy.
Alaska sucks.
Aah! Glad you could fit me in last minute like this.
No problemo.
We had a shuttle running plasma to the space station, anyways.
I'm just glad I had a favor left to cash in with you NASA guys.
American heroes got to stick together.
[ Alarm blaring .]
[ Speaking German .]
[ Whistles .]
Kove? - Ohh! - Aah! What do you want?! Trent never showed up to NASA.
How can that be? Damian scheduled the car service himself.
Damian! I knew it, you son of a bitch.
You sweater-vest-loving bastard! No, wait! What are you doing? Get off my computer.
It's-- It's just a thank-you card for being so great to work with.
I had to Photoshop it.
What's with all the headless, creepy dolls? I got them as gifts for everybody.
The heads are on back order.
So, you're not a mole sent to destroy N.
T.
S.
F.
from within? What? What? You mean you've mistrusted me all this time? [ Cries .]
You monster.
No, I I trust you.
Oh, no.
What's going on?! [ Device beeping rapidly .]
[ Device whirring .]
[ Breathing heavily .]
[ Grunting .]
Unh! [ Groans .]
[ Breathing heavily .]
[ Vehicle approaching .]
Oh, no, not again.
I thought I killed you! [ Engine shuts off .]
[ Gasps .]
Remember me?! Trent: Aah! Who are you?! [ Both screaming .]
[ Snake rattling .]
Die! [ Gasping .]
[ Birds chirping .]
Karen DiStephano? Anyways, that's when I realized I was gonna be a temp for the rest of my life! I love it! But I'm crazy.
They should do a reality show about my life.
You know, I don't normally go out on blind dates, but you're a real listener.
I like that.
So, you gonna call me for another date? Yeah.
Totally.
You better 'cause if you're lying, I'm gonna get ya! [ Laughing .]
I'm gonna get ya! Get-- Oh, I have to tinkle.
Bye! [ Door closes .]
[ Trent chuckles .]
Oh, yeah.
[ Coughs .]
[ Gasps .]
[ Bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace" .]
Stop the funeral! Stop the funeral! [ Music stops .]
The S.
U.
V.
S are evil.
Alphonse, we thought you were dead.
What? You thought I was dead? Well, then, where's my funeral? This is a double funeral.
Yours is right over there.
Alphonse: Man, y'all couldn't have done better? Fine-- I want one of these guards to stand by mine.
You, stand by mine.
[ Taser zaps .]
Aah! Ugh! Everything is going according to plan, exactly according to plan.
That's what they get for forgetting my birthday.
Happy Birthday, Trent.
Let's roll, birthday boy.
[ Piper crying .]
[ Kove crying .]
Rhubarb! Rhubarb! [ Tasers zap .]
No! [ Tasers zap .]
Kove: Trent! [ Piper wailing .]
Diego! Diego! Good afternoon, team.
How are you enjoying the new artificial intelligence system we've installed in the S.
U.
V.
s? I'm loving it.
Too damn hot in San Diego.
We got to get back home to Alaska and bag us some eskimo babes.
Sounds like a plan.
Ah, very good.
I can see that the S.
U.
V.
s have bonded with you and are mirroring your personalities.
Sometimes I kill.
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I kill and cry, but mostly I just cry.
It's true.
I don't trust these talking cars.
You'll love this S.
U.
V.
, guaranteed.
Well, let's just see about that.
Nice one.
Sam, meet Damian Thresh.
He's our new intern.
He mysteriously showed up when our last intern mysteriously disappeared.
I want you to show him the ropes today.
Welcome aboard, Damian.
I am so looking forward to working with you, Sam So looking forward.
Great.
Trent: What do you mean, you don't like the San Diego chicken? You heard me.
He's a terrible mascot, a complete joke.
What are you talking about? You're an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- What? What are you doing? This isn't our exit.
- Shut it, flesh bag.
- You shut-- Aah! God! Damn! Unh! Unh! Unh! [ Horn honking .]
[ Tires screech .]
Whoa! It's about to get hot in here.
Seat warmer is getting hot! Buckle up, Mr.
Alaska.
This isn't you, man! This isn't you! [ Tires screech .]
Trent: Come on, now! Pull over! Aah! [ Tires screeching .]
Looks like this S.
U.
V.
is gonna have one less h-u-m-a-n.
[ Tires screeching .]
Trent! [ Gasping .]
Piper! [ Muffled screaming .]
Alphonse: Trent! Trent, the S.
U.
V.
s took Alphonse! They're getting away! Not all of them.
The A.
I.
in the S.
U.
V.
s has gone rogue.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Samuel.
Artificial intelligence would never betray mankind.
There must be someone behind this.
Then it's obviously this Damian guy.
I mean, he's a creepy weirdo.
It's got to be him.
- Hi, Sam.
- Oh.
Is that doll supposed to be me? Who? This doll? Why do you think it's you? Do you want it to be you? It could be you, if you really want it to.
No, thank you.
Unh! You'll never make me talk, human.
Oh, I'll make you sing, S.
U.
V.
I just hope you do it in key.
Trent, we don't torture.
We're N.
T.
S.
F.
[ Scoffs .]
Now I'm not.
Now, I asked you-- Why did you turn on us? Do your worst, Hauser.
I asked you why! - Aah! - Stop it! Don't lower yourself to this S.
U.
V.
's level.
You're asking the wrong question, chief.
It's not why.
It's who.
Okay, then who? It's not so much who as how.
[ Laughs evilly .]
You gas-guzzling bastard! Aah! [ Steam hissing .]
Great, Trent.
Now we're never gonna know how, who, or why did this! The only mystery, Piper, is who taught you grammar.
Take a look.
What do you know about drive bot technologies? It's a dead end.
Not quite dead.
I did some research, and I found out the S.
U.
V.
s' A.
I.
is operated by remote.
I hacked the system and found out the signal is coming from a satellite in deep space.
And may I say, it is a great pleasure to meet you, Agent Hauser-- A great, great pleasure.
Who the hell is this guy? 'Cause I like him a lot.
Great work.
This doesn't creep anyone else out? Trent: The S.
U.
V.
s are just pawns.
There's a mystery king out there, and he just castled with the rook, but I'm about to move my queen.
If you've ever met my queen, you would know she's a real bitch.
When she gets mad, she looks for a mate, but not the kind of mate you have sex with-- the kind you pay for with a check: A checkmate.
And this checkmate's about to be cashed right after I endorse it with blood.
Uh, what does that mean? It means I'm going to space.
Sam: Just say "I'm going to space" next time.
I thought we were friends.
I thought we were tight.
[ Engine revs, tires screech .]
Alaska forever! Useless, buddy.
Alaska sucks.
Aah! Glad you could fit me in last minute like this.
No problemo.
We had a shuttle running plasma to the space station, anyways.
I'm just glad I had a favor left to cash in with you NASA guys.
American heroes got to stick together.
[ Alarm blaring .]
[ Speaking German .]
[ Whistles .]
Kove? - Ohh! - Aah! What do you want?! Trent never showed up to NASA.
How can that be? Damian scheduled the car service himself.
Damian! I knew it, you son of a bitch.
You sweater-vest-loving bastard! No, wait! What are you doing? Get off my computer.
It's-- It's just a thank-you card for being so great to work with.
I had to Photoshop it.
What's with all the headless, creepy dolls? I got them as gifts for everybody.
The heads are on back order.
So, you're not a mole sent to destroy N.
T.
S.
F.
from within? What? What? You mean you've mistrusted me all this time? [ Cries .]
You monster.
No, I I trust you.
Oh, no.
What's going on?! [ Device beeping rapidly .]
[ Device whirring .]
[ Breathing heavily .]
[ Grunting .]
Unh! [ Groans .]
[ Breathing heavily .]
[ Vehicle approaching .]
Oh, no, not again.
I thought I killed you! [ Engine shuts off .]
[ Gasps .]
Remember me?! Trent: Aah! Who are you?! [ Both screaming .]
[ Snake rattling .]
Die! [ Gasping .]
[ Birds chirping .]
Karen DiStephano? Anyways, that's when I realized I was gonna be a temp for the rest of my life! I love it! But I'm crazy.
They should do a reality show about my life.
You know, I don't normally go out on blind dates, but you're a real listener.
I like that.
So, you gonna call me for another date? Yeah.
Totally.
You better 'cause if you're lying, I'm gonna get ya! [ Laughing .]
I'm gonna get ya! Get-- Oh, I have to tinkle.
Bye! [ Door closes .]
[ Trent chuckles .]
Oh, yeah.
[ Coughs .]
[ Gasps .]
[ Bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace" .]
Stop the funeral! Stop the funeral! [ Music stops .]
The S.
U.
V.
S are evil.
Alphonse, we thought you were dead.
What? You thought I was dead? Well, then, where's my funeral? This is a double funeral.
Yours is right over there.
Alphonse: Man, y'all couldn't have done better? Fine-- I want one of these guards to stand by mine.
You, stand by mine.
[ Taser zaps .]
Aah! Ugh! Everything is going according to plan, exactly according to plan.
That's what they get for forgetting my birthday.
Happy Birthday, Trent.
Let's roll, birthday boy.