Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e11 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
It'll be here in four minutes.
Hey, if we're lucky, we can get
on the train, be in Hooterville
before Uncle Joe wakes up and finds out we're gone.
Uncle Joe won't wake up.
For dessert, I slugged him
with a double dose of pumpkin pie.
That'll keep him out like a light till dinner.
Oh, Mom, you're awful.
Ain't it the truth.
But, you know, he's so nosy.
It's the only way to keep him from coming
into Sam Drucker's store and finding out
we got him a watch for his birthday.
And it'll work, too.
A couple helpings of Mama's pumpkin pie
is better than hitting him over the head with a club.
Hi, gang.
I should've used a club.
Joe, why aren't you sleeping?
I was, but I woke up.
Had too much pumpkin pie.
But pumpkin pie always keeps you asleep.
No, it's mince that does that.
Listen, anybody can make a mistake.
Well, so long, Uncle Joe.
See you when we get back.
What do you mean, so long?
This is buying day, ain't it?
I'm going into Drucker's store
with you like I always do.
Well, uh, we're not gonna buy much today,
and the and the girls can help me carry it.
They're young and strong.
Meaning I ain't?
Well-well, of course not.
It's just that you've been working so hard
around here lately, uh, thinking and planning.
I have been pushing pretty hard lately.
Sure, you've worked hard all your life.
You're entitled to relax a little.
You've done your share.
Come on, girls. Bye.
Bye, Uncle Joe. Bye, Uncle Joe.
Save your steam, they're getting on.
Bye, Uncle Joe.
Bye, Kate. Bye, girls.
Don't buy anything I wouldn't approve of.
Ooh-wee.
It's Billie Jo Bradley and-and her mother and sisters.
Ooh, they'll be coming by
to pick up this watch for Uncle Joe's birthday.
That Billie Jo is as pretty
as the moon rising over Snively Swamp.
What a beauty.
Yeah.
Real smooth movement, too.
Yeah.
Mr. Drucker!
It ain't right for you to talk that way about Billie Jo.
I'm talking about this watch!
And you keep your mind on your work.
Hi, Herby.
Oh, hi, Kate.
Hi, Sam.
Hi, Herby.
Gee, Billie, hi.
Here's Uncle Joe's watch, Kate.
14 karat, 17 jewel, just like you ordered.
Oh, Sam.
Girls, look.
Isn't that beautiful?
Oh, Mom, that's lovely.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Hey, give it here, Kate.
I'll have it wrapped for you.
Herby?
Oh, yes, Mr. Drucker, I
Herby, you knucklehead!
Look at the mess you've made.
Do I have to?
I mean, just hearing it was bad enough.
Herby, you ten-thumbed nitwit!
Now, Sam, stop picking on him, it was Billie's fault.
Your Herby was just trying to help out.
I'd like to help him out,
right out the front door.
Now, Sam, you simmer down.
That clumsy kid.
Sam, Herby's a hardworking, fine boy.
He just acts clumsy because he doesn't
have any confidence in himself.
He feels inferior.
Well, who has a better right?
Now, Sam, you see?
You see how you're picking on him
and knocking down his confidence?
Let me talk to him Maybe I can help.
All right, Kate, but I'm warning you,
when you talk to him, don't stand under anything loose.
Oh, lay off him, Sam.
Herby?
Don't look so sad.
Accidents like that can happen to anybody.
I know they could. Well, good.
But they don't, they happen to me.
Oh Let's talk over here,
away from anything loose.
Huh?
It's nothing, nothing.
It's just that I need room, I, um
talk a lot with my hands.
Now, Herby, what I'm trying to tell you is,
if you had the confidence in yourself
that I have in you, you'd go right to the top.
Oh, you're just saying that to make me feel good.
Are you kidding?
Anybody in these parts who runs a business,
they'd love to have you working for them.
And you know why?
Yeah, 'cause I work cheap.
No, because you're dependable,
you're reliable, and you're willing.
Ah, go on.
Too bad you're Sam's right arm,
or you could be working for me right this minute,
starting out as, um well, as assistant manager.
Ah, go on. No, I mean it, Herby,
and in no time at all, you could be manager.
I accept the job!
I'm gonna quit here and go to work for you.
Ah, go on. Oh
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley, thank you.
At last, someone believes in me.
Whippee! When do I start?
Herby, l-l-listen,
l-let's not rush into anything, huh?
Oh, I get it, you just were talking.
You didn't really mean it.
Nobody in this whole world needs me.
Oh, I need you, I-I-I'd love to hire you.
It's just that, uh, that, uh
it-it's Sam, that's it.
He needs you more than I do. I do? What for?
See? Mr. Drucker doesn't care.
I'm yours.
Now, Herby, uh, before we go any farther,
uh, I gotta straighten you out about something.
Sure, Mrs. Bradley, and I want to thank you
for hiring me as your new assistant manager,
because it's done more for my confidence
than anything in my whole life.
Now, what'd you want to tell me, boss?
Your hours are nine to five.
You get Thursdays off, and the
customer's always right.
Oh, all that and working
side by side with Billie Jo.
I can hardly stand it!
I feel the same way.
Thanks, Herby. Merci, Herbert.
Thank you, Herby.
Oh, Mrs. Bradley. Hmm?
What room are you gonna give your willing
and dependable assistant manager?
Who? Uh, me.
Oh, yes, you.
Uh, for a second, I didn't recognize the description.
Um, well, I was thinking, uh, why don't you take,
uh, Uncle Joe's room and move his things
into that big corner room that he's been wanting.
Right, boss, I'll start moving stuff right away.
Uh, oh, uh, willing
and dependable assistant manager.
Yes, boss?
Uh, it's gonna be a problem
moving all those things
with your arms full of groceries,
so why don't you take them into the kitchen
and take these into the storeroom?
Oh, smart thinking.
Boy, I can see I'm gonna learn a lot
working with other smart thinking people.
Here, I'll take them all.
Oh, don't Here, Herby.
Thank you, Herby.
Here you go, manager.
I've got them.
Mom. Hmm?
The next time you get an idea
to build somebody's character Don't?
Don't.
Well, Herby, my boy.
Here, let me give you a hand.
Gee, thanks, Mr. Carson.
There you are.
Thanks a lot.
Don't mention it.
Hey, you better get barreling, Herby.
The Cannonball will run off and leave you.
Oh, I'm not talking the Cannonball.
I'm living here now.
Mrs. Bradley made me the new assistant manager
of this here hotel.
Well, congratulations, Herby.
Say, you're coming up Hold on a minute.
What do you mean, assistant manager?
Oh, she says I'm bright
and dependable and trustworthy,
and I'm going far in the hotel business.
Well, gotta get to the business
of assistant managing.
Why would she want a young squirt like Herby around?
Why, he
You've worked hard all your life, Uncle Joe.
You've earned the right to relax a little.
You've done your share.
Rest now, Uncle Joe. Done your share
Relax. Take it easy.
Relax. Take it easy.
Relax, relax.
So that's what Kate's up to.
She wants to put me out to pasture
just because I got a couple of gray hairs.
Okay, couple of dozen.
Can't believe that this terrible thing
is being done to me by my own niece.
Oh, Uncle Joe, I wonder
Don't speak to me, my own former niece.
Uncle Joe, what are you Same goes for accomplices.
Uncle Joe, what are you
so darned steamed up about?
You know darn well
what I'm so darn steamed up about.
You hired that squirt, Herby, to replace me.
Oh, I did no such thing.
All right then, prove it
by firing him out of here right now.
B-but well, I can't.
You see You bet I see. Real good.
I may be an old man with double chins to you,
but I still got pride enough to hold them both up.
I can't even reason with Uncle Joe.
He locked his door.
And when I knock, he just growls.
It sounds like a room full of Airedales.
Well, maybe I ought to go upstairs
Come on, my old and only friend.
You and I are gonna wait for the train
down by the railroad tracks.
Uncle Joe!
I don't cotton to hanging around
with a bunch of strangers.
No, wait, Uncle Joe.
Uncle Joe, why are you carrying on
so much about absolutely nothing?
Well, it ain't my idea of absolutely nothing.
You think I'm an old man.
You're putting me out to pasture
just because I got a few gray hairs.
Oh, I'm not putting you out to pasture
because you've got a few gray hairs.
No?
Then, what are you putting me out to pasture for?
Uncle Joe
This morning, you went to town,
and you bamboozled me out of going with you.
Yes or no?
Well, yes, but
And when you come back, you brung that young squirt,
Herby Bates, with you and made him
the new assistant manager of the hotel yes or no?
Well, yes, but I can explain everything.
All right, then explain the part
about not wanting me to go to town with you.
That part, I can't explain.
Aha.
And what about bringing that young squirt, Herby, here
and making him assistant manager?
Oh, aha to you.
I gave Herby a little job with a big title
just to build his confidence.
Oh?
I wanted to make him feel important.
That's why I can't fire him.
Maybe I was a mite hasty with my conclusion jumping.
Well, then, it's all settled.
You're staying.
Here, I'll take your suitcase upstairs
No, let go, I can handle it.
No, no, no, I'll take it, give it to me. No, let go!
Uncle Joe.
Well, I-I travel light.
You old fraud, you never intended leaving.
Oh, there's just nobody else like you.
Nobody could replace you, Uncle Joe.
Mrs. Bradley, I'm all set to move everything out
of Uncle Joe's room and put my own stuff in there,
like you told me.
Tell me that part again where you can't replace me.
Well, Uncle Joe, I
I can explain everything.
Badly, of course.
No more empty talk, no more empty suitcases.
I'm walking out of here
and landing myself a big executive job.
Uncle Joe, wait.
Yup, I walked out of there
and landed myself a big executive job.
That's right, Lon.
No, no, I can't disclose the exact nature of my business.
It's top secret.
But if you happen to run into Kate and the girls,
tell them I'm in great spot to clean up.
Bye, Lon.
Evening.
Uncle Joe!
Oh, Uncle Joe!
Where have you been, Uncle Joe?
Uncle Joe?
You look like Mr. Carmichael,
the funeral director.
No wisecracks, please.
I want a little service.
Well, what do you think you're doing?
I am registering for a room,
and I demand the same respect
you give other paying guests.
Paying guests?
Cash on the barrelhead
for the best room in the place.
Oh, but Uncle Joe, you
That's Mr. Carson.
Mr. Carson?
Now you're talking.
I've just accepted an important position
as Executive Vice President
of one of Hooterville's leading industries.
You may think my registering here
as a paying guest kind of strange.
Oh, not strange.
Ridiculous.
The explanation is quite simple.
I decided to be a guest here
because it is convenient to my important executive work
and because the Shady Rest Hotel has always been famous
for its fine management in the past.
My key give it to me.
Boy, would I like to
Here you are, Mr. Carson sir.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley ma'am.
Oh, yes.
And I'll expect breakfast promptly at 7:30.
Mom? Hmm?
Remember, the customer is always right.
What loudmouth says so?
You, Mom.
Oh, that loudmouth.
I'm Joe Carson of Hooterville.
Are you traveling men?
Ned Hooper. Jenkins here and me are in the hardware line.
I'm in the executive line myself.
Oh?
Right. I hold an important position
with a firm that recognizes the value
of experience and mature judgment.
Not like some backward people I know
who are in the hotel game.
Oh, baloney.
What?
Oh, baloney with your eggs or ham?
Oh. I'll try the baloney, Miss Bradley.
Yes, Mr. Carson.
It's easy to tell you're a baloney man.
Excuse me.
28, 29, 30 Hey, Mom, what's the matter?
I'm counting to ten
so I'll lose the urge to kill him,
but it doesn't work.
Mom, how come he's acting this way?
It's not like him.
Oh, he just wants to prove to us
what a valuable man he is
and that we don't appreciate him enough.
That's why he's staying here
and bragging about his big, executive job.
A job that doesn't even exist.
Oh, he's got some kind of job.
He came home with money last night.
My guess is that he's clerking in a drugstore,
or he's selling ribbons over a dry goods counter.
Poor man.
Mom, why don't we follow him to where he works
and blow the lid off this whole thing?
Oh, we couldn't do that
on account of his pride.
But we've got to do something.
Honey, believe me,
he's gonna get tired of pretending real soon
and go back to being his own sweet loveable self.
Hurry up with my breakfast,
or I'm reporting you to my colleagues
at the businessmen's club.
The service here is pathetic.
Girls we're going to follow Uncle Joe
to where he's working
and blow the lid off everything,
including Uncle Joe.
But how about his pride?
Yeah, how about that?
Come on, we'll ride in the baggage section
where he can't see us.
Oh.
Hey, we forgot.
It's market day.
We'll have to ride with a carload of chickens.
Oh, dear.
Well, maybe we better wait till tomorrow.
Oh! Tomorrow it'll be full of hogs.
Oh.
Well, don't just stand there.
Start clucking.
Give Uncle Joe a job
as Executive Vice President of my store?!
Oh, Kate, there's a lot less painful ways of going broke.
Yeah, but-but Sam, if you told him
that he'd be a great help to you,
then he could quit that horrible job at Luke's Eatery
and not be humiliated.
Remember, he's one of your oldest friends,
and you've known him for years.
No, I-I can't do it.
Uncle Joe is a fine fella,
but he'd just be in the way around here.
Oh, I don't think I'd want to hire him,
even if you threw in one of your girls.
What's wrong with her girls?
Yeah. Yeah.
Any one of us could do a darn good job here.
Darn right. I'll bet if I worked here,
why, business would double in a week.
Especially among the boys.
Okay, Billie Jo, you've got the job.
Oh. Whoa, Sam, whoa!
We want the job for Uncle Joe.
He's got it if you throw in Billie Jo.
I like the way she works.
But I didn't mean that I
Remember, you're one of his oldest friends.
You've known him for years.
All right, Mr. Drucker, bring on the work.
Uncle Joe and I are raring to go.
Sam, hiring me as Executive Vice President
was the smartest move you ever made.
Yeah, I've been thinking about that.
I'll tell you, you won't even know this business
when I get through with it.
Yeah. I've been thinking about that, too.
Hey, what's this?
A bill for $33.87 from McGonigle the printer?
Oh, that must be
for those 20,000 advertising circulars I had printed.
Part of my clever promotional scheme.
20,000 advertising circulars?!
There are only 3,000 people in the whole county.
I said my scheme was clever, not perfect.
Joe, since I made that smart move
of hiring you as my vice president,
my business has suffered four major disasters.
Say, uh,
you the fellas that put up that poster
in the town hall about minding kids and livestock for free?
Correction. Five major disasters.
Quiet in front of customers, Sam.
Yes, madam.
You've come to the right place.
Drucker's always lives up to their advertising claims.
I expect to be a very sick man when I hear about it, ma'am,
but what advertising claims did I make?
Oh.
Here are some of the circulars.
See for yourself, Sam.
"Notice: As part of our new policy,
"Drucker's Store will cheerfully take care
"of all children
"and livestock while parents
or owners are shopping."?
You see, Sam? Now folks don't have to stay home
because they got nobody to
look after the kids and the pets.
They come here and shop, and we take care of everything.
Just like the big stores up at the city.
Shrewd, huh? Not bad, Joe.
Look, it's getting late.
I got to get started.
Come on, in boys.
What'll it be, ma'am?
Now, keep an eye on 'em,
and make sure they get fed proper.
The dog's hungry, so are the kids.
I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Well, wait a minute. Where are you going?
Shopping over at Cartright's Emporium.
Got a lot of bargains going on there today.
Just a second, ma'am.
You got it wrong.
We only watch kids and dogs if you shop here.
It don't say that on that poster, mister.
And you know what happens to stores
that lies in their advertising.
Oh. And Bosco only eats fresh ground sirloin
else he bites.
Oh, no. Sam Drucker can't fire Uncle Joe.
It'll wipe out his self-respect.
But if he doesn't fire him,
it'll wipe out Mr. Drucker's bank account.
And Mr. Drucker looks so pitiful when he cries.
Well, so will Uncle Joe when he fires him.
Now there must be another way we can handle this thing.
Hi. Let me think Oh, Billie Jo, hi.
Oh. Herby, watch out!
That's it. That's what?
Another way.
A secret weapon sometimes called a Herby Bates.
And the hotel can also use some
of them fancy gourmet foods I've been reading about.
Like, uh, caviar and pickled octopuses.
Order me a dozen of each.
Herby Bates, when they handed out brains,
you wasn't behind the door.
You wasn't even in the building.
I'm the assistant manager of the hotel.
And Mrs. Bradley says
whatever I think we need, I should order.
That ties it!
Herby, you're pathetic.
You know less about the hotel business
than a backward polecat.
I wouldn't talk if I were you, Mr. Carson.
No offense, but from what I've been hearing around town,
you know less about the grocery business
than a whole flock of backward polecats.
Look what you're doing to my beautiful hotel.
Well, look what you're doing to my beautiful store.
I'm-I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Drucker.
Well, Herby, I guess I'm going
to have to hire you back again.
Me? You're joshing.
Well, might as well,
if you're going to come here and break things.
That way, at least I can take it out of your salary.
Oh, great, Mr. Drucker.
Boy, I've really been missing this place.
All the hay and the grain and the chicken feed,
and especially you.
Would you like your old job back, Uncle Joe?
We sure need you.
Yeah, you bet you do.
I haven't made up my mind
whether I want to get back into the hotel game.
Oh, please Uncle Joe
Well, that depends.
Depends on what?
On whether Sam can spare me.
How about it, Sam?
Can you spare him?
Could George Washington spare Benedict Arnold?
Huh?
Uh, I say, it'll be a struggle,
but with Herby here helping me,
I'll try to scrape through.
Quiet! Quiet, everybody.
And to top off the homecoming celebration,
the girls and me would like to present you
with this fine watch in honor of your birthday.
Open it up.
I want to see if you like it.
Come on. Kate!
Girls! Gee, thanks for the beautiful watch.
It's just what I wanted.
You shouldn't have done it.
Considering all the trouble it caused,
you're right, I shouldn't have.
Congratulations, Mr. Carson.
Happy birthday.
Oh, Herby.
Welcome back to the grocery game, Herby.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a Filmways Presentation. ♪