Rescue Me s01e11 Episode Script
Mom
Let me sleep.
What are you doin'? Got something for me, lover? I know it's early, but Sondra can get you ready.
Oh, I know she can.
Sondra? Oh, shit! What happened? - Did I fall asleep here? - Kenny.
Have I been here all night? What'll I tell my wife? Maybe it's for the best.
She's gonna find out sooner or later.
How did this happen? Wake up and turn off the alarm, Kenny.
What? I said, wake up and turn off the alarm.
You know I can't reach it.
Sorry.
Must've been some dream you were having.
What do you mean? You had some big, old smile on your face.
What were you dreaming about, you sickie? I don't remember.
Was I in it? Yeah.
I thought you said you couldn't remember.
Oh, Jesus.
Do you have to start first thing? I mean, if you're gonna give me the third degree, can't you at least wait till I have a cup of coffee? Oh, good, you're up.
Did you go outside like that? Like what? Like that, with your joint hanging out.
Hey, you got issues with the human body, that's your problem.
That's your shame-based religious upbringing rearing its ugly head.
Speaking of ugly heads.
Don't lay your issues on me.
I got no problems being naked.
Oh, really? Why don't you go upstairs and look in the mirror.
There's more than one problem going on down there.
Michael, wait! Thank God I caught you.
You forgot your biscotti.
I stayed up all night baking for nothing? Sorry, Ma.
Is that a clean shirt? - Yeah.
- Good.
I need a favor.
A favor? Yeah, I spoke to Gina Gilardi last night.
You remember her youngest daughter, Theresa? Mom, I can't be late.
I'm gonna get in trouble.
Lovely girl.
An artist.
She was involved for quite a while with a man.
Jewish.
They never got married.
Long story short, they had a terrible breakup, and she's been alone ever since.
So I told Gina that you would come home, and I said that maybe you'd give Theresa a call, take her out, you know, lift her spirit.
- Ma! - An old friend.
I don't know her, and the Gilardi kids, they're all ugly.
- That's not true.
- Yeah.
I was in class with her brother Vinnie.
We called him "Gilardi the Retardi.
" That's unkind, Michael.
Retarded people have it very hard.
I'm not taking her out, Mom.
I'll see you tonight.
So that's how it's gonna be, huh? You come home.
You get your meals.
You get your clothes cleaned and pressed.
But your mother asks you for one favor Go.
Go.
Fight your fires.
Have your fun.
Hmph! I'll just stay here and wait for you to come home so I can continue to cook and clean and slave for you.
Go! Have a wonderful day.
All right, I'll call her tomorrow.
Tomorrow's no good.
Why not? You're taking her out tonight.
Give me another kiss.
Hey, do me a favor? Here's the dog's leash.
Take him out for a couple of walks.
Let him piss and shit, but take him in the backyard.
Nobody knows I have him, all right? Another thing is, make sure he has fresh water.
If there's drool on top of the water, that means it's not fresh, all right? He needs to eat around 4 or 4:30.
I left the food in the bottom of-- Jesus, is there anything else you want me to do? You sure you don't want me to French kiss the bastard? Hey, I don't see you kicking in any money for the rent around here, so the least you can do is provide a service, besides flashin' your crank for the neighbors, all right? I'll make sure everything's okay for daddy's little baby.
What'd ya say? Nothing.
It's not my dog.
It's the kids' dog.
Fine.
Have a good day.
All right.
MOM Hey, I don't want mean to be a pain in the balls-- Too late.
Heard that.
That was the hope.
Someone's been using my bathroom.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Maybe I could drop a dime and call city hall so we can arrange a press conference by noon.
It's not a big deal, but I was given my own bathroom for a reason, so if someone's going in there, it kinda defeats the purpose if I find a major goddamn stink bomb from hell.
Well, it's obviously not me, because my shit smells like the perfume counter at Saks.
I'll bet.
So I'll just assume this is just an oversight and not a political statement involving burning off my eyebrows.
Thanks very much.
Keep out of my bathroom.
This is what we got to put up with.
You know what? It was me.
What do you mean? It was you? I had fruit cocktail, and I warmed it up.
I don't know how your stomach is after warm fruit-- A fire in the hole.
Yeah, I was dying.
I didn't even make it upstairs.
I had to sneak into her bathroom, and dropped off a litter of kittens.
I used it too.
I spaced and went inside.
It's nice in there.
Yeah, it's really nice.
She's got candles and soaps and real towels and little floor mats.
And it smells like the beach in there.
Well, it did until I pooped.
And you're so relaxed when you're in there.
It makes it just easier to go.
It sounds lovely, girls, but I don't wanna hear your friend's jaw flapping anymore, all right? So from now on, do your business elsewhere.
Ha ha! Big day, boys.
- Franco.
- You hear, Sean? - What? Hear what? - Calendar's out.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Check it out, Lou.
- Let me see.
Bam! Mr.
March.
Oh, very nice.
That gladiator thing, uh, works for you.
Thanks.
We got something in common now.
Where's your partner in crime? Diciembre.
Howdy, cowpoke! I didn't even wanna be the goddamn cowboy in the first place, all right? Seriously, does it look stupid? No, no, hey, it looks great.
I mean, look, it says to me, "I'm a macho, you know, good-looking guy.
I've been workin' hard on the ranch all day, and now I'm takin' a little break, just waitin' for my husband to come pick me up and take me home.
" You know what? That's really funny.
This sucks.
Hey, say that two days from now.
We got a signing event.
We are gonna clean up.
Yeah, you will.
Hey, Seano, this thing just hit the stores today.
I had three skirts hit on me on the way down here.
I'm telling you, brother, having your picture here is like a license to mint pussy.
Mint pussy? One of the worst Ben & Jerry flavors.
Mint pussy? Where'd that come from? I don't know.
It just came to me.
I gotta start writing that stuff down.
Yeah, you do.
This fast-truck shit sucks.
Yeah, this is why I became a fireman, so I could stand around with my thumb up my ass while someone else goes in and has all the fun.
Yeah, might as well be bagging groceries at the Shop-Rite.
What do you want me to do, chief? You just stay by the rig, make sure nothing gets stolen, and button that jacket up.
Oh, my God! Let me in! You've gotta let me in! Calm down.
The building's been evacuated.
- The only people in there are-- - My dog's up there! What apartment? What apartment? He's in the bedroom.
The building's clear? Yeah, it should be.
Tommy was here when the transmission came in.
- Where the hell did he go? - I don't know.
He was just here.
He didn't go inside, did he? If he did, he'll be out soon.
He doesn't have a mask.
Hey, Ladder 6-2 to O.
V.
Ladder 6-2 to O.
V.
-- Oh, shit.
What the hell is he doin'? Guy makes a couple of good grabs, and he thinks he's Superman.
When they start believing they're stronger than the bitch, they end up dead.
Gavin, what are you doing up there? Get him down here now.
What's going on? Doesn't concern you.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
How long has he been up there? Two minutes.
Son of a bitch.
I'm gonna kill him if he's not dead already.
Hey, looks like you're gonna get your chance.
Good boy, good boy.
What can I say? I love dogs.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What, are you Doctor Dolittle now? Yeah.
Nice goin', brother.
Balls as big as yours, it's amazing you can find pants that can fit.
Yeah, yeah.
See you downstairs.
Hey, Tom, let me get your opinion on something, okay? What? Do you think chicks are gonna dig this picture, or do you think I look dorky? No, no, just the opposite.
Really? Yeah, you look like the Marlboro Man.
- Really? - Yeah, you know, if the Marlboro Man smoked cock instead of cigarettes.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Tom.
Hey.
Hey.
I was wondering if you could, um educate me on something.
What's that? What was that stunt with the dog today? It's called firefighting.
You know what? You're the man, right? You got giant balls of steel.
You're the hero, and I'm catching all this shit, 'cause I'm the weak link? I'm the one that's gonna get everybody killed? You're the weak link, Tommy.
It's not okay.
It's not on, and they can't see it.
And the saddest part is, I think you know it.
Let me tell you something, sister.
You serve two purposes in this house, okay? You can give me a blow job, or you can make me a sandwich.
I'm not in the mood for head, and I had a late breakfast, so you're shit out of luck.
You okay? I can't do this.
What's the matter? It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to either of us.
You're scaring me, Ken.
You know I love you, Phyll, and I never wanted to hurt you.
I'm seeing another woman.
What? I can't believe that it happened.
I mean you know, my life was going along exactly as it should, and then suddenly it just jumped the track, and now I'm on a completely different line.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Kenny.
I'll move out if you want.
No, it's okay.
Life's so strange, you know? I mean, it's like you walk around with this big problem, and you think you're gonna have to take it to the grave with you, and then suddenly, God makes it okay to talk about it.
Well, look, I don't know if God had any influence on my decision or not-- I'm not talking about you.
What? I'm seeing somebody too.
What? A man, and I've been feeling pretty rotten about it too.
Now, for the first time in three months, I can breathe.
Wait a minute.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
You're seeing another man? Yeah.
For how long? Be three months this Sunday.
It started on a Sunday? Yeah.
Told you you shoulda been coming to Mass with me.
Are you Mike? Yeah.
Theresa? Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
This is so embarrassing, having our mothers set us up.
It totally sucks.
Yeah, it totally does.
Hey! What? Feel like joining me? What? I'm working like a dog here, and you're off in dreamland.
I don't know.
You feel like bringing something to the party, or Brought something to the party.
Check your undercarriage.
What? What's the matter with you? You're all distracted.
What are you thinking about? I'm sorry.
I just Ahh.
That chick at work, you know? Oh.
That's nice.
That makes me feel-- No, no, no, not-- I'm not thinking about her that way.
Jesus, no.
She's just Ahh! She's so annoying.
Well, she's probably a dyke.
What do you expect? She just, you know-- She's gotta have her own bathroom.
She's bitchin' and moanin' about everything.
You know, she's got an opinion about every goddamn subject under the sun.
Well, you know what they say.
Opinions are like assholes.
Everyone has one.
No, no.
No, no.
Everyone has "them.
" Not "one.
" "Them.
" What? "Everyone has them," okay? Opinions.
Yeah, but "one" makes sense, because everyone only has one asshole.
Yeah, but everybody has more than one opinion, okay? See, that's where your logic is faulty.
Yeah, can we talk about something else? Cake looks good.
You want some? Oh, no, I'm good.
I'm trying to stay-- So how's your brother? Which one? Vinnie.
We were in the same class, you know.
- Really? - Yeah.
He's dead.
You're kidding.
Nope.
Got high one night.
Went out for a walk.
Got hit by a train.
Wow.
Well, Vinnie wasn't the brightest, you know? My folks always said it was just a matter of time before he stuck a fork in a toaster or drove off a cliff or something.
They totally saw it coming.
More coffee? You want anything else? Oh, no, I'm good, thank you.
I was starving.
I didn't eat all day 'cause I thought we were going out to dinner.
Yeah, well, that was the original-- I just thought, you know, coffee was a little less formal.
I just thought it might be good.
And short.
No.
I seem to have this strange power over men.
They meet me for the first time, and they suddenly get these amazing headaches.
Well guys.
Let's be honest.
You've thought about getting a headache at some point in the last 45 minutes, haven't you? No.
It's okay.
Look, you strike me as a very sweet, very honest guy, so just tell the truth.
It would mean a lot.
I considered it.
But you didn't go with it.
I was planning on it.
Then I watched the way you demolished that cake, and I got too scared.
It doesn't matter how many times you explain it.
It doesn't make sense! It makes perfect sense, okay? Go back to the first part.
"Opinions," okay? Plural.
"Opinions are like assholes.
" If you say "opinions" and "Everybody has one," it doesn't agree.
Agree with what? Basic English, okay? Things have to agree, okay? Tenses.
Jesus Christ.
Did you not go to school? Oh Uh-huh.
See this? Yeah.
This is butterscotch pudding that I made this afternoon.
I was gonna let you lick it off my tits, but guess what! You blew it! Forget it! Yeah? Well, you-- You shoulda mentioned the pudding first.
I've started doing portraits.
Maybe you could sit for me some day, if I ever see you again.
Oh, you'll see me again.
Why do you say stuff like that? Experience.
This has been fun.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
You, uh wanna come in? I should probably go-- Theresa, I can't do this.
Sure you can.
I'll show you how.
No, Theresa.
I'll be the best you ever had.
I don't care how many women you've slept with.
Hundreds, thousands.
One time with me, you won't remember a single one of 'em.
I mean it, Mike.
I guess I could come in for a few minutes.
You gonna stop seeing him? You gonna stop seeing her? Who is this guy? Who's the girl? Do I know him? Do I know her? You know what? Maybe we shouldn't be asking questions right now.
Maybe not.
You know what? Let me just say this, okay? If you told me what you told me, and I didn't have something going on the side, I would have been so goddamn pissed, you wouldn't believe it.
Well, you know, I'd be pissed too.
Wow.
Congratulations.
What? You just did your first fat chick.
You wanna go again? You're kidding.
No.
My mother said your mother said you could do it twice in a row.
My mother may be right.
Hey, Asshole! Hey, pal, how are ya? What's goin' on? How was your day, huh? How's it goin'? Where do you keep the salt and pepper? - Who the hell are you? - Arlo.
I'm Teddy's friend.
You must be Tommy.
Can you pass the salt, please? Sure.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Oh, finally.
You're home.
The dog puked twice.
Don't worry.
I cleaned it up.
Puked from what? Two Slim Jims and a frappuccino.
What are you, nuts? Well, not a whole frappuccino.
Come here, pal.
Hey, he was beggin'.
Look at that face.
How am I supposed to deny that? Man, the goddamn phone's been ringing off the hook for the last couple of hours.
Why didn't you answer it? Hey, this isn't my house.
Plus, we were watchin' some show about doctors on the Lifetime Channel.
What's it called? Good Medicine? Strong Medicine.
Can you take this, please? Yeah, here you go.
Arlo's gonna be crashin' with us for a couple days, - if that's okay.
- Yeah, um Who is this guy? This is him, the guy who won your money last week at the track.
That's the golden midget.
Don't piss me off, Teddy.
You know I hate that "midget" shit.
Right.
Okay, I'm sorry, pal.
Check it out.
all thanks to him winning at the track.
He's a genius! What's his system? Well, he always wanted to be a jockey, but they said he was too small, so he hung around the track, waiting for somebody to give him a break.
Turns out, he can read the horses' faces.
- He reads their faces? - He's the perfect height.
He can tell if they're angry.
He can tell if they're happy.
They're staring right down at him.
You heard of The Horse Whisperer, right? Yeah.
The horses whisper to him.
You can tell Robert Redford he can kiss my little black ass, huh? How long's he gonna stay? Hey, that's the thing.
We hope he stays as long as possible.
He keeps winning like this, I can buy my own place.
Hey, can you pass me the napkins, please? All right, but I'll tell you one thing: we gotta get him a ladder.
Tommy, thank God.
I've been calling all night.
I called everywhere.
What's goin' on? I just came from the hospital.
Is something wrong with the kids? No, um, it's your mother.
She had a heart attack.
Is she okay? She's dead, Tommy.
She died a half-hour ago.
What's goin' on? Didn't get much sleep.
That's understandable.
Jeez.
Want me to make some coffee? No, your coffee sucks.
Should have taken some lessons from your mother.
She did a million things wrong, but she knew how to make a good cup of coffee.
It's my fault, Tommy.
Don't start, Dad.
I killed her.
Oh, God.
You know, that stuff with Teddy, that selfish, stupid couple of weeks.
All the worry I gave her, all the heartache.
Now she's gone.
The last 10 years wasn't great.
It's not your fault, Dad.
She annoyed me.
I annoyed her.
The passion we had, what little was left, we channeled into pissing each other off, but now, God What I wouldn't give for another 10 years.
Dad.
You know, my father cried a lot toward the end of his life.
He never cried before then, probably not even as a baby.
But near the end, you'd look at him cross-eyed, and he'd bust out bawling.
It's the ghosts, Tommy.
It's the what? All the people you hurt, all the meanness you did.
You get old.
You stop moving at a million miles a minute and it all comes back.
It really shows up again.
And all you can do All you can do is cry.
Go on, get out of here.
Make your suck-ass coffee.
Okay.
Morning, Mrs.
Weaver.
Good morning, Mr.
Shea.
Beautiful day today.
Very nice.
Have a good one.
You too.
Mrs.
Weaver? Can I help you? Yeah, I think you can.
I don't really know how to say this, but I think my wife's having an affair.
Well, I-- I'm so sorry to hear that, but I don't see how it is of any concern to me.
It's just that, you know, you're home all day, and you see who comes.
You see who goes.
I don't stick my nose into other people's business.
I have never been that kind of person.
But I've seen him.
Yes, he comes at lunchtime every now and then, but mostly nights, when you're working a double shift.
Three nights in the last two weeks.
The 15th, the 18th and the 22nd.
Interesting.
You wouldn't happen to know who this guy is, would you? I have my own life to lead, Mr.
Shea.
Understood.
Greg Kelly, over at the firehouse on Lincoln.
He's a fireman? Oh, yes.
Hey, uh how's your old man doin', Tom? Best as can be expected.
I asked him if he wanted to move in with me, but he doesn't wanna hear that.
You okay, Tom? Yeah, I'm good.
I mean, you know, at least she didn't suffer.
You know, it was fast.
Firehouse.
Yeah, hang on.
Probie? Hey, Probie! Probie! What's up? Phone.
Some Theresa broad.
Hey, how's it goin'? Oh, yeah.
Um, can I call you back? Okay, great.
Thanks.
Sounds hot.
What? The broad.
- Sounds hot.
- Oh, yeah.
Did you get anything off her yet? Only the best I've ever had.
Okay, fellas, listen up.
We have a problem.
Oh, no.
Someone used milady's commode again? Listen, fellas, I have four older brothers, so when I go in the bathroom and find a huge, steaming dump, it's more like a fond memory than anything else.
I don't know who the culprit is, but I have two things to say to you.
First, get yourself to a hospital, because if that came out of you, you got, like, maybe a month to live.
And second watch your back.
Game is on.
This keeps up, it's just gonna get unpleasant.
Are we clear? - Yeah.
- Crystal.
Hey, come on, guys, huh? Enough is enough.
If you don't like Laura, if you don't want her here, fine.
There's no reason why anybody should leave something the size of an Easter ham in the bottom of her toilet bowl.
Okay? Thank you.
I heard about your mother.
I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Hey, seriously, guys, there are limits to what's funny.
Somebody here has clearly gone too far-- So? So last night, I go out for this big Mexican meal, and then I come home, and I cook up a pot of Brussels sprouts.
And this morning, I had eggs with salsa and then half a bag of Oreos.
You shoulda seen the size of the thing I left.
It was like an anaconda.
I swear to God, I think it had a heartbeat.
And that, gentlemen, is why he wears the white shirt.
Pop's having a rough time.
Yeah.
To be expected, I guess.
They were married for, what, 54 years? Yeah.
I bawled my eyes out when I heard.
Me too.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, you know, you shoulda, seeing how you predicted it.
I got pulled over by a cop.
I was using a bullshit excuse, okay? You gonna bust my balls for that? You're gonna have to keep a close eye on him.
Why is it always me? Okay, what about you? What about Johnny? What about one of our wonderful sisters? I told you, I'm taking off to the Bahamas in two days.
That's great.
That's just great.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey, thanks for coming.
Of course.
Hey.
I'm gonna talk to Uncle Teddy.
Yeah.
How you doin'? Doing all right.
I'm gonna take a break for a couple of minutes, all right? What the hell was that? What the hell was what? You know what I'm talking about.
All eyes on us, okay? I'm sorry.
I was just being supportive.
Look, we both know there's a line we're not supposed to cross.
I am here because I am family, and because I wanted to offer you a shoulder to cry on.
Not that you ever would, you sick bastard.
Your mother's lying over there in a coffin, and you're still a freakin' block of ice.
- I could cry if I wanted, okay? - Bullshit.
Somebody has to be in charge around here.
It happens to be me, okay? Somebody's gotta stay in control.
You're such an asshole.
Yeah, you just watch yourself, okay? Hi.
Pop-Pop, I'm so sorry.
Sheila, thank you.
You take care of yourself.
She's all torn up.
She sure is.
You're leaving? I gotta go to a wake.
A guy in the firehouse, his mom died.
Oh.
Well, I'll go with you.
It'll be like our first date as a couple.
I don't think so.
I'm kidding.
Oh.
Is this just sex, Mike? Is it? It was before.
Now I don't know.
You're not ashamed of me, are you? No.
Why would you say that? I mean, you're smart.
You make me laugh.
I thought This wake Maybe you didn't wanna bring your fat girlfriend where your friends might see her.
I don't care about my friends, okay? I care about you.
Hi.
Hi.
I know you from someplace.
I work with Tommy.
You're a fireman? Yeah, yeah.
That's it.
You're December.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, yeah.
I just got the calendar.
Oh, you did? Is it goofy? I didn't think so.
I mean, some of the other guys, but I thought your picture was the best.
I mean, really the best.
Can I get your number, and I'll call you? Sure.
You got a pen? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Shoot.
It's Karen So how you doin'? Great.
Everybody keeps asking me how I'm doing.
My mother died of a goddamn heart attack.
Yeah, I'm doin' a jig over here.
What's with Sheila? She's upset.
Yeah, she seemed a little overcome.
Well, she was particularly close to my mom.
She used to call her "The Curse of the Irish.
" I-I never heard that.
Oh, you know what? If you are screwing around with her, that is some dark shit.
- I'm not screwing with her.
- Jimmy was your best friend.
I know who Jimmy was.
Thanks for coming.
Bye.
I hope you're telling me the truth.
I don't have to tell you anything.
Hey.
What was that? Another chapter of my own personal purgatory.
Never ends.
So, what's going on with you and Sheila? You're shittin' me, right? I hope you're not getting involved with her, Tom.
Okay, first of all, I'm not involved with her, okay? Second of all, even if I was, it's none of your business.
Listen, take my advice.
Yeah, I'm gonna take your advice.
I'm gonna take advice about a broad from a guy who hasn't banged a broad in almost 30 years.
They're different now.
You gotta be shittin' me.
Jesus Christ, Mick.
What do you think the Catholic Church would have to say - if they heard about that? - Well, considering she's not a 13-year-old boy, I think they'd be thrilled.
Oh, really? What would your friends and family say if they knew you were banging your dead cousin's wife? Hey, don't poke me, man.
- Don't poke me, pal.
- Don't poke me.
You wanna go? Hey, man! You son of a bitch! Hey! What the-- Stop! Tommy, what are you doing? Hey, Tommy! Mickey! Mickey, come on! Jesus! Jesus, Mickey, come on! Kiss my ass, Mickey! Blame him.
He started it! Stop it! Come on, now.
Hey, hey, your mother's lying inside in a casket.
You'll burn in hell for this.
There you go.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
God, this is incredible.
Yeah, told you, man.
I've got It's like a goddamn pussy buffet.
Hey, sweetheart.
Love that smile.
Hey, how's it goin'? Great.
Love the picture.
Thank you.
Thanks.
So, uh are you really into it? - Into what? - W.
S.
W.
S.
? Water sports.
Oh, no, no.
See, I'm the cowboy.
The deep-sea diver guy, he's Mr.
July down on the end there.
I thought I mean, that handkerchief's pretty obvious.
What handkerchief? Like you don't know.
Know what? I really don't.
Well, in some gay circles, if you put a yellow handkerchief in your back left pocket, that means that you're into water sports.
Golden showers.
It means you like getting pissed on-- Yeah, I know what it means! Are you okay, man? You know what? I'm not gay, and, really, I'm not into getting pissed on.
Well, why do you have the yellow handkerchief, then? Actually, the yellow handkerchief means he's a chubby chaser.
No, no.
No, that's a green handkerchief.
No, green's for bondage.
No, that's purple.
You mean you're not into fat guys? No! Jesus! No! Okay, you know what? I'm going home.
Hey, Sean, what're you doin'? I'm going home.
Good luck, okay? Sean! Hi.
We can't come to the phone now, so leave a message.
Now, what button do I press here? Martha! What goddamn button-- Aw, Dad, where are you? Huh? It's 2:40.
Dad? All right, I'll call you later, all right? Excuse me.
Greg Kelly on today? I'm Greg Kelly.
Can I help you? Yeah.
Hi.
I'm, uh I'm Ken Shea.
Oh, shit.
I thought you were gonna pop me one for a minute there.
No.
I mean, I thought about it, but no.
That's not what I wanted.
What I wanted I don't know what I want.
I'm married too, you know.
Six kids.
No wonder you want to get out of the house.
No kidding.
So, um how did it start? I don't know.
I was coming out of church, and I just saw her.
She dropped her bulletin.
I picked it up for her.
We were both feeling all good from Mass.
Mm-hm.
I don't know how it got started.
So is it, um I mean, you know, how many times, you know have you-- Had sex? Not that many times.
Six? Eight? It's not really about the sex.
What is it about? I don't know.
Phyllis is funny.
All she really wants to do is sit together and drink wine and eat cookies and watch reruns of Mary Tyler Moore and Andy Griffith.
She likes to snuggle best of all.
Ken? You okay? Shit! Hey! Is there anybody out there? Help me in here! Hello? What the hell did you do? What's wrong, chief? You know what's wrong! My ass is stuck to the toilet seat in here! Oh, it must be the glue I put on there, huh? Get in here now and help me! That's an order! How am I supposed to do that? The door's locked from your side.
Get downstairs and get the guys and have them knock the goddamn door down.
Okay.
Be right back.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Jeez, it stinks like somethin' died up my ass in here.
The switch just outside the door.
Turn it on before you go.
You got it, chief.
I'll find the guys as soon as I can.
See you later.
Oh.
Jesus! Bitch! Hey, Dad? Hey, Dad? Jesus Christ! Dad! Dad! Hey! Hey, you okay? Hey.
Hey, Tom.
What's up? What happened? I fell.
It's okay.
It's nothing.
When? Jesus Christ! Come here.
Let me help you up.
Come on.
Okay.
Grab the counter.
Grab the counter.
Got it? Jesus Christ.
Here.
I'm okay.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Come here.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
Nothing's broken.
Shit.
What's this? What's it look like? It looks like a joint.
Then that's what it is.
You're smokin' pot again? I got it at Teddy's place.
I had some shit left over, and I didn't want it to go to waste.
So you were high.
That's why you fell down.
I'm using it for medicinal purposes.
What medicinal purposes? My glaucoma.
You don't have glaucoma.
Well, what do you think is keeping it at bay? I'm packing up some clothes for you, and you're moving into my house.
No, no! Yes, you are, goddamn it! You touch that joint, you son of a bitch-- Give me that.
It's like dealing with a goddamn 14-year-old! Shit! Hey! Well, look who's here! You're just in time.
We're making paella.
You got mussels? Oh, sure, mussels, shrimp, lobster, the whole nine yards.
Did you give him pot? Recently? Uh-huh.
What's with the dwarf? I'm not a goddamn dwarf, you prick.
Ixnay on the orfdway talk.
Arlo's had a couple.
Little guy gets some booze in him, all of a sudden, he's got the strength of 10 men.
We did great at the O.
T.
B.
today.
- Your share's up on your dresser.
- Great.
Dad's gonna be bunking with us for the next couple of weeks, so let's shift things around.
Sure, fine.
Hey, uh, where's the dog? Uh, yeah, about the dog.
.
Your dog's dead.
I gotta take a leak.
Did he just say the dog's dead? It's not my fault.
I took him out for a walk, and he ran down the street and got hit by a car.
You didn't have him on the leash? I thought he was on the leash.
What do you mean? You "thought" he was on the leash? I haven't seen my feet in 25 years.
I'm supposed to see a leash? I ask you to do one thing, one goddamn thing.
I'll buy you a new dog.
I don't want another dog! I want my dog! It's not your dog.
It's your kids' dog.
Shut up! Asshole.
Well see you tomorrow.
What are you doin'? Got something for me, lover? I know it's early, but Sondra can get you ready.
Oh, I know she can.
Sondra? Oh, shit! What happened? - Did I fall asleep here? - Kenny.
Have I been here all night? What'll I tell my wife? Maybe it's for the best.
She's gonna find out sooner or later.
How did this happen? Wake up and turn off the alarm, Kenny.
What? I said, wake up and turn off the alarm.
You know I can't reach it.
Sorry.
Must've been some dream you were having.
What do you mean? You had some big, old smile on your face.
What were you dreaming about, you sickie? I don't remember.
Was I in it? Yeah.
I thought you said you couldn't remember.
Oh, Jesus.
Do you have to start first thing? I mean, if you're gonna give me the third degree, can't you at least wait till I have a cup of coffee? Oh, good, you're up.
Did you go outside like that? Like what? Like that, with your joint hanging out.
Hey, you got issues with the human body, that's your problem.
That's your shame-based religious upbringing rearing its ugly head.
Speaking of ugly heads.
Don't lay your issues on me.
I got no problems being naked.
Oh, really? Why don't you go upstairs and look in the mirror.
There's more than one problem going on down there.
Michael, wait! Thank God I caught you.
You forgot your biscotti.
I stayed up all night baking for nothing? Sorry, Ma.
Is that a clean shirt? - Yeah.
- Good.
I need a favor.
A favor? Yeah, I spoke to Gina Gilardi last night.
You remember her youngest daughter, Theresa? Mom, I can't be late.
I'm gonna get in trouble.
Lovely girl.
An artist.
She was involved for quite a while with a man.
Jewish.
They never got married.
Long story short, they had a terrible breakup, and she's been alone ever since.
So I told Gina that you would come home, and I said that maybe you'd give Theresa a call, take her out, you know, lift her spirit.
- Ma! - An old friend.
I don't know her, and the Gilardi kids, they're all ugly.
- That's not true.
- Yeah.
I was in class with her brother Vinnie.
We called him "Gilardi the Retardi.
" That's unkind, Michael.
Retarded people have it very hard.
I'm not taking her out, Mom.
I'll see you tonight.
So that's how it's gonna be, huh? You come home.
You get your meals.
You get your clothes cleaned and pressed.
But your mother asks you for one favor Go.
Go.
Fight your fires.
Have your fun.
Hmph! I'll just stay here and wait for you to come home so I can continue to cook and clean and slave for you.
Go! Have a wonderful day.
All right, I'll call her tomorrow.
Tomorrow's no good.
Why not? You're taking her out tonight.
Give me another kiss.
Hey, do me a favor? Here's the dog's leash.
Take him out for a couple of walks.
Let him piss and shit, but take him in the backyard.
Nobody knows I have him, all right? Another thing is, make sure he has fresh water.
If there's drool on top of the water, that means it's not fresh, all right? He needs to eat around 4 or 4:30.
I left the food in the bottom of-- Jesus, is there anything else you want me to do? You sure you don't want me to French kiss the bastard? Hey, I don't see you kicking in any money for the rent around here, so the least you can do is provide a service, besides flashin' your crank for the neighbors, all right? I'll make sure everything's okay for daddy's little baby.
What'd ya say? Nothing.
It's not my dog.
It's the kids' dog.
Fine.
Have a good day.
All right.
MOM Hey, I don't want mean to be a pain in the balls-- Too late.
Heard that.
That was the hope.
Someone's been using my bathroom.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Maybe I could drop a dime and call city hall so we can arrange a press conference by noon.
It's not a big deal, but I was given my own bathroom for a reason, so if someone's going in there, it kinda defeats the purpose if I find a major goddamn stink bomb from hell.
Well, it's obviously not me, because my shit smells like the perfume counter at Saks.
I'll bet.
So I'll just assume this is just an oversight and not a political statement involving burning off my eyebrows.
Thanks very much.
Keep out of my bathroom.
This is what we got to put up with.
You know what? It was me.
What do you mean? It was you? I had fruit cocktail, and I warmed it up.
I don't know how your stomach is after warm fruit-- A fire in the hole.
Yeah, I was dying.
I didn't even make it upstairs.
I had to sneak into her bathroom, and dropped off a litter of kittens.
I used it too.
I spaced and went inside.
It's nice in there.
Yeah, it's really nice.
She's got candles and soaps and real towels and little floor mats.
And it smells like the beach in there.
Well, it did until I pooped.
And you're so relaxed when you're in there.
It makes it just easier to go.
It sounds lovely, girls, but I don't wanna hear your friend's jaw flapping anymore, all right? So from now on, do your business elsewhere.
Ha ha! Big day, boys.
- Franco.
- You hear, Sean? - What? Hear what? - Calendar's out.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Check it out, Lou.
- Let me see.
Bam! Mr.
March.
Oh, very nice.
That gladiator thing, uh, works for you.
Thanks.
We got something in common now.
Where's your partner in crime? Diciembre.
Howdy, cowpoke! I didn't even wanna be the goddamn cowboy in the first place, all right? Seriously, does it look stupid? No, no, hey, it looks great.
I mean, look, it says to me, "I'm a macho, you know, good-looking guy.
I've been workin' hard on the ranch all day, and now I'm takin' a little break, just waitin' for my husband to come pick me up and take me home.
" You know what? That's really funny.
This sucks.
Hey, say that two days from now.
We got a signing event.
We are gonna clean up.
Yeah, you will.
Hey, Seano, this thing just hit the stores today.
I had three skirts hit on me on the way down here.
I'm telling you, brother, having your picture here is like a license to mint pussy.
Mint pussy? One of the worst Ben & Jerry flavors.
Mint pussy? Where'd that come from? I don't know.
It just came to me.
I gotta start writing that stuff down.
Yeah, you do.
This fast-truck shit sucks.
Yeah, this is why I became a fireman, so I could stand around with my thumb up my ass while someone else goes in and has all the fun.
Yeah, might as well be bagging groceries at the Shop-Rite.
What do you want me to do, chief? You just stay by the rig, make sure nothing gets stolen, and button that jacket up.
Oh, my God! Let me in! You've gotta let me in! Calm down.
The building's been evacuated.
- The only people in there are-- - My dog's up there! What apartment? What apartment? He's in the bedroom.
The building's clear? Yeah, it should be.
Tommy was here when the transmission came in.
- Where the hell did he go? - I don't know.
He was just here.
He didn't go inside, did he? If he did, he'll be out soon.
He doesn't have a mask.
Hey, Ladder 6-2 to O.
V.
Ladder 6-2 to O.
V.
-- Oh, shit.
What the hell is he doin'? Guy makes a couple of good grabs, and he thinks he's Superman.
When they start believing they're stronger than the bitch, they end up dead.
Gavin, what are you doing up there? Get him down here now.
What's going on? Doesn't concern you.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
How long has he been up there? Two minutes.
Son of a bitch.
I'm gonna kill him if he's not dead already.
Hey, looks like you're gonna get your chance.
Good boy, good boy.
What can I say? I love dogs.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What, are you Doctor Dolittle now? Yeah.
Nice goin', brother.
Balls as big as yours, it's amazing you can find pants that can fit.
Yeah, yeah.
See you downstairs.
Hey, Tom, let me get your opinion on something, okay? What? Do you think chicks are gonna dig this picture, or do you think I look dorky? No, no, just the opposite.
Really? Yeah, you look like the Marlboro Man.
- Really? - Yeah, you know, if the Marlboro Man smoked cock instead of cigarettes.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Tom.
Hey.
Hey.
I was wondering if you could, um educate me on something.
What's that? What was that stunt with the dog today? It's called firefighting.
You know what? You're the man, right? You got giant balls of steel.
You're the hero, and I'm catching all this shit, 'cause I'm the weak link? I'm the one that's gonna get everybody killed? You're the weak link, Tommy.
It's not okay.
It's not on, and they can't see it.
And the saddest part is, I think you know it.
Let me tell you something, sister.
You serve two purposes in this house, okay? You can give me a blow job, or you can make me a sandwich.
I'm not in the mood for head, and I had a late breakfast, so you're shit out of luck.
You okay? I can't do this.
What's the matter? It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to either of us.
You're scaring me, Ken.
You know I love you, Phyll, and I never wanted to hurt you.
I'm seeing another woman.
What? I can't believe that it happened.
I mean you know, my life was going along exactly as it should, and then suddenly it just jumped the track, and now I'm on a completely different line.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Kenny.
I'll move out if you want.
No, it's okay.
Life's so strange, you know? I mean, it's like you walk around with this big problem, and you think you're gonna have to take it to the grave with you, and then suddenly, God makes it okay to talk about it.
Well, look, I don't know if God had any influence on my decision or not-- I'm not talking about you.
What? I'm seeing somebody too.
What? A man, and I've been feeling pretty rotten about it too.
Now, for the first time in three months, I can breathe.
Wait a minute.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
You're seeing another man? Yeah.
For how long? Be three months this Sunday.
It started on a Sunday? Yeah.
Told you you shoulda been coming to Mass with me.
Are you Mike? Yeah.
Theresa? Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
This is so embarrassing, having our mothers set us up.
It totally sucks.
Yeah, it totally does.
Hey! What? Feel like joining me? What? I'm working like a dog here, and you're off in dreamland.
I don't know.
You feel like bringing something to the party, or Brought something to the party.
Check your undercarriage.
What? What's the matter with you? You're all distracted.
What are you thinking about? I'm sorry.
I just Ahh.
That chick at work, you know? Oh.
That's nice.
That makes me feel-- No, no, no, not-- I'm not thinking about her that way.
Jesus, no.
She's just Ahh! She's so annoying.
Well, she's probably a dyke.
What do you expect? She just, you know-- She's gotta have her own bathroom.
She's bitchin' and moanin' about everything.
You know, she's got an opinion about every goddamn subject under the sun.
Well, you know what they say.
Opinions are like assholes.
Everyone has one.
No, no.
No, no.
Everyone has "them.
" Not "one.
" "Them.
" What? "Everyone has them," okay? Opinions.
Yeah, but "one" makes sense, because everyone only has one asshole.
Yeah, but everybody has more than one opinion, okay? See, that's where your logic is faulty.
Yeah, can we talk about something else? Cake looks good.
You want some? Oh, no, I'm good.
I'm trying to stay-- So how's your brother? Which one? Vinnie.
We were in the same class, you know.
- Really? - Yeah.
He's dead.
You're kidding.
Nope.
Got high one night.
Went out for a walk.
Got hit by a train.
Wow.
Well, Vinnie wasn't the brightest, you know? My folks always said it was just a matter of time before he stuck a fork in a toaster or drove off a cliff or something.
They totally saw it coming.
More coffee? You want anything else? Oh, no, I'm good, thank you.
I was starving.
I didn't eat all day 'cause I thought we were going out to dinner.
Yeah, well, that was the original-- I just thought, you know, coffee was a little less formal.
I just thought it might be good.
And short.
No.
I seem to have this strange power over men.
They meet me for the first time, and they suddenly get these amazing headaches.
Well guys.
Let's be honest.
You've thought about getting a headache at some point in the last 45 minutes, haven't you? No.
It's okay.
Look, you strike me as a very sweet, very honest guy, so just tell the truth.
It would mean a lot.
I considered it.
But you didn't go with it.
I was planning on it.
Then I watched the way you demolished that cake, and I got too scared.
It doesn't matter how many times you explain it.
It doesn't make sense! It makes perfect sense, okay? Go back to the first part.
"Opinions," okay? Plural.
"Opinions are like assholes.
" If you say "opinions" and "Everybody has one," it doesn't agree.
Agree with what? Basic English, okay? Things have to agree, okay? Tenses.
Jesus Christ.
Did you not go to school? Oh Uh-huh.
See this? Yeah.
This is butterscotch pudding that I made this afternoon.
I was gonna let you lick it off my tits, but guess what! You blew it! Forget it! Yeah? Well, you-- You shoulda mentioned the pudding first.
I've started doing portraits.
Maybe you could sit for me some day, if I ever see you again.
Oh, you'll see me again.
Why do you say stuff like that? Experience.
This has been fun.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
You, uh wanna come in? I should probably go-- Theresa, I can't do this.
Sure you can.
I'll show you how.
No, Theresa.
I'll be the best you ever had.
I don't care how many women you've slept with.
Hundreds, thousands.
One time with me, you won't remember a single one of 'em.
I mean it, Mike.
I guess I could come in for a few minutes.
You gonna stop seeing him? You gonna stop seeing her? Who is this guy? Who's the girl? Do I know him? Do I know her? You know what? Maybe we shouldn't be asking questions right now.
Maybe not.
You know what? Let me just say this, okay? If you told me what you told me, and I didn't have something going on the side, I would have been so goddamn pissed, you wouldn't believe it.
Well, you know, I'd be pissed too.
Wow.
Congratulations.
What? You just did your first fat chick.
You wanna go again? You're kidding.
No.
My mother said your mother said you could do it twice in a row.
My mother may be right.
Hey, Asshole! Hey, pal, how are ya? What's goin' on? How was your day, huh? How's it goin'? Where do you keep the salt and pepper? - Who the hell are you? - Arlo.
I'm Teddy's friend.
You must be Tommy.
Can you pass the salt, please? Sure.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Oh, finally.
You're home.
The dog puked twice.
Don't worry.
I cleaned it up.
Puked from what? Two Slim Jims and a frappuccino.
What are you, nuts? Well, not a whole frappuccino.
Come here, pal.
Hey, he was beggin'.
Look at that face.
How am I supposed to deny that? Man, the goddamn phone's been ringing off the hook for the last couple of hours.
Why didn't you answer it? Hey, this isn't my house.
Plus, we were watchin' some show about doctors on the Lifetime Channel.
What's it called? Good Medicine? Strong Medicine.
Can you take this, please? Yeah, here you go.
Arlo's gonna be crashin' with us for a couple days, - if that's okay.
- Yeah, um Who is this guy? This is him, the guy who won your money last week at the track.
That's the golden midget.
Don't piss me off, Teddy.
You know I hate that "midget" shit.
Right.
Okay, I'm sorry, pal.
Check it out.
all thanks to him winning at the track.
He's a genius! What's his system? Well, he always wanted to be a jockey, but they said he was too small, so he hung around the track, waiting for somebody to give him a break.
Turns out, he can read the horses' faces.
- He reads their faces? - He's the perfect height.
He can tell if they're angry.
He can tell if they're happy.
They're staring right down at him.
You heard of The Horse Whisperer, right? Yeah.
The horses whisper to him.
You can tell Robert Redford he can kiss my little black ass, huh? How long's he gonna stay? Hey, that's the thing.
We hope he stays as long as possible.
He keeps winning like this, I can buy my own place.
Hey, can you pass me the napkins, please? All right, but I'll tell you one thing: we gotta get him a ladder.
Tommy, thank God.
I've been calling all night.
I called everywhere.
What's goin' on? I just came from the hospital.
Is something wrong with the kids? No, um, it's your mother.
She had a heart attack.
Is she okay? She's dead, Tommy.
She died a half-hour ago.
What's goin' on? Didn't get much sleep.
That's understandable.
Jeez.
Want me to make some coffee? No, your coffee sucks.
Should have taken some lessons from your mother.
She did a million things wrong, but she knew how to make a good cup of coffee.
It's my fault, Tommy.
Don't start, Dad.
I killed her.
Oh, God.
You know, that stuff with Teddy, that selfish, stupid couple of weeks.
All the worry I gave her, all the heartache.
Now she's gone.
The last 10 years wasn't great.
It's not your fault, Dad.
She annoyed me.
I annoyed her.
The passion we had, what little was left, we channeled into pissing each other off, but now, God What I wouldn't give for another 10 years.
Dad.
You know, my father cried a lot toward the end of his life.
He never cried before then, probably not even as a baby.
But near the end, you'd look at him cross-eyed, and he'd bust out bawling.
It's the ghosts, Tommy.
It's the what? All the people you hurt, all the meanness you did.
You get old.
You stop moving at a million miles a minute and it all comes back.
It really shows up again.
And all you can do All you can do is cry.
Go on, get out of here.
Make your suck-ass coffee.
Okay.
Morning, Mrs.
Weaver.
Good morning, Mr.
Shea.
Beautiful day today.
Very nice.
Have a good one.
You too.
Mrs.
Weaver? Can I help you? Yeah, I think you can.
I don't really know how to say this, but I think my wife's having an affair.
Well, I-- I'm so sorry to hear that, but I don't see how it is of any concern to me.
It's just that, you know, you're home all day, and you see who comes.
You see who goes.
I don't stick my nose into other people's business.
I have never been that kind of person.
But I've seen him.
Yes, he comes at lunchtime every now and then, but mostly nights, when you're working a double shift.
Three nights in the last two weeks.
The 15th, the 18th and the 22nd.
Interesting.
You wouldn't happen to know who this guy is, would you? I have my own life to lead, Mr.
Shea.
Understood.
Greg Kelly, over at the firehouse on Lincoln.
He's a fireman? Oh, yes.
Hey, uh how's your old man doin', Tom? Best as can be expected.
I asked him if he wanted to move in with me, but he doesn't wanna hear that.
You okay, Tom? Yeah, I'm good.
I mean, you know, at least she didn't suffer.
You know, it was fast.
Firehouse.
Yeah, hang on.
Probie? Hey, Probie! Probie! What's up? Phone.
Some Theresa broad.
Hey, how's it goin'? Oh, yeah.
Um, can I call you back? Okay, great.
Thanks.
Sounds hot.
What? The broad.
- Sounds hot.
- Oh, yeah.
Did you get anything off her yet? Only the best I've ever had.
Okay, fellas, listen up.
We have a problem.
Oh, no.
Someone used milady's commode again? Listen, fellas, I have four older brothers, so when I go in the bathroom and find a huge, steaming dump, it's more like a fond memory than anything else.
I don't know who the culprit is, but I have two things to say to you.
First, get yourself to a hospital, because if that came out of you, you got, like, maybe a month to live.
And second watch your back.
Game is on.
This keeps up, it's just gonna get unpleasant.
Are we clear? - Yeah.
- Crystal.
Hey, come on, guys, huh? Enough is enough.
If you don't like Laura, if you don't want her here, fine.
There's no reason why anybody should leave something the size of an Easter ham in the bottom of her toilet bowl.
Okay? Thank you.
I heard about your mother.
I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Hey, seriously, guys, there are limits to what's funny.
Somebody here has clearly gone too far-- So? So last night, I go out for this big Mexican meal, and then I come home, and I cook up a pot of Brussels sprouts.
And this morning, I had eggs with salsa and then half a bag of Oreos.
You shoulda seen the size of the thing I left.
It was like an anaconda.
I swear to God, I think it had a heartbeat.
And that, gentlemen, is why he wears the white shirt.
Pop's having a rough time.
Yeah.
To be expected, I guess.
They were married for, what, 54 years? Yeah.
I bawled my eyes out when I heard.
Me too.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, you know, you shoulda, seeing how you predicted it.
I got pulled over by a cop.
I was using a bullshit excuse, okay? You gonna bust my balls for that? You're gonna have to keep a close eye on him.
Why is it always me? Okay, what about you? What about Johnny? What about one of our wonderful sisters? I told you, I'm taking off to the Bahamas in two days.
That's great.
That's just great.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey, thanks for coming.
Of course.
Hey.
I'm gonna talk to Uncle Teddy.
Yeah.
How you doin'? Doing all right.
I'm gonna take a break for a couple of minutes, all right? What the hell was that? What the hell was what? You know what I'm talking about.
All eyes on us, okay? I'm sorry.
I was just being supportive.
Look, we both know there's a line we're not supposed to cross.
I am here because I am family, and because I wanted to offer you a shoulder to cry on.
Not that you ever would, you sick bastard.
Your mother's lying over there in a coffin, and you're still a freakin' block of ice.
- I could cry if I wanted, okay? - Bullshit.
Somebody has to be in charge around here.
It happens to be me, okay? Somebody's gotta stay in control.
You're such an asshole.
Yeah, you just watch yourself, okay? Hi.
Pop-Pop, I'm so sorry.
Sheila, thank you.
You take care of yourself.
She's all torn up.
She sure is.
You're leaving? I gotta go to a wake.
A guy in the firehouse, his mom died.
Oh.
Well, I'll go with you.
It'll be like our first date as a couple.
I don't think so.
I'm kidding.
Oh.
Is this just sex, Mike? Is it? It was before.
Now I don't know.
You're not ashamed of me, are you? No.
Why would you say that? I mean, you're smart.
You make me laugh.
I thought This wake Maybe you didn't wanna bring your fat girlfriend where your friends might see her.
I don't care about my friends, okay? I care about you.
Hi.
Hi.
I know you from someplace.
I work with Tommy.
You're a fireman? Yeah, yeah.
That's it.
You're December.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, yeah.
I just got the calendar.
Oh, you did? Is it goofy? I didn't think so.
I mean, some of the other guys, but I thought your picture was the best.
I mean, really the best.
Can I get your number, and I'll call you? Sure.
You got a pen? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Shoot.
It's Karen So how you doin'? Great.
Everybody keeps asking me how I'm doing.
My mother died of a goddamn heart attack.
Yeah, I'm doin' a jig over here.
What's with Sheila? She's upset.
Yeah, she seemed a little overcome.
Well, she was particularly close to my mom.
She used to call her "The Curse of the Irish.
" I-I never heard that.
Oh, you know what? If you are screwing around with her, that is some dark shit.
- I'm not screwing with her.
- Jimmy was your best friend.
I know who Jimmy was.
Thanks for coming.
Bye.
I hope you're telling me the truth.
I don't have to tell you anything.
Hey.
What was that? Another chapter of my own personal purgatory.
Never ends.
So, what's going on with you and Sheila? You're shittin' me, right? I hope you're not getting involved with her, Tom.
Okay, first of all, I'm not involved with her, okay? Second of all, even if I was, it's none of your business.
Listen, take my advice.
Yeah, I'm gonna take your advice.
I'm gonna take advice about a broad from a guy who hasn't banged a broad in almost 30 years.
They're different now.
You gotta be shittin' me.
Jesus Christ, Mick.
What do you think the Catholic Church would have to say - if they heard about that? - Well, considering she's not a 13-year-old boy, I think they'd be thrilled.
Oh, really? What would your friends and family say if they knew you were banging your dead cousin's wife? Hey, don't poke me, man.
- Don't poke me, pal.
- Don't poke me.
You wanna go? Hey, man! You son of a bitch! Hey! What the-- Stop! Tommy, what are you doing? Hey, Tommy! Mickey! Mickey, come on! Jesus! Jesus, Mickey, come on! Kiss my ass, Mickey! Blame him.
He started it! Stop it! Come on, now.
Hey, hey, your mother's lying inside in a casket.
You'll burn in hell for this.
There you go.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
God, this is incredible.
Yeah, told you, man.
I've got It's like a goddamn pussy buffet.
Hey, sweetheart.
Love that smile.
Hey, how's it goin'? Great.
Love the picture.
Thank you.
Thanks.
So, uh are you really into it? - Into what? - W.
S.
W.
S.
? Water sports.
Oh, no, no.
See, I'm the cowboy.
The deep-sea diver guy, he's Mr.
July down on the end there.
I thought I mean, that handkerchief's pretty obvious.
What handkerchief? Like you don't know.
Know what? I really don't.
Well, in some gay circles, if you put a yellow handkerchief in your back left pocket, that means that you're into water sports.
Golden showers.
It means you like getting pissed on-- Yeah, I know what it means! Are you okay, man? You know what? I'm not gay, and, really, I'm not into getting pissed on.
Well, why do you have the yellow handkerchief, then? Actually, the yellow handkerchief means he's a chubby chaser.
No, no.
No, that's a green handkerchief.
No, green's for bondage.
No, that's purple.
You mean you're not into fat guys? No! Jesus! No! Okay, you know what? I'm going home.
Hey, Sean, what're you doin'? I'm going home.
Good luck, okay? Sean! Hi.
We can't come to the phone now, so leave a message.
Now, what button do I press here? Martha! What goddamn button-- Aw, Dad, where are you? Huh? It's 2:40.
Dad? All right, I'll call you later, all right? Excuse me.
Greg Kelly on today? I'm Greg Kelly.
Can I help you? Yeah.
Hi.
I'm, uh I'm Ken Shea.
Oh, shit.
I thought you were gonna pop me one for a minute there.
No.
I mean, I thought about it, but no.
That's not what I wanted.
What I wanted I don't know what I want.
I'm married too, you know.
Six kids.
No wonder you want to get out of the house.
No kidding.
So, um how did it start? I don't know.
I was coming out of church, and I just saw her.
She dropped her bulletin.
I picked it up for her.
We were both feeling all good from Mass.
Mm-hm.
I don't know how it got started.
So is it, um I mean, you know, how many times, you know have you-- Had sex? Not that many times.
Six? Eight? It's not really about the sex.
What is it about? I don't know.
Phyllis is funny.
All she really wants to do is sit together and drink wine and eat cookies and watch reruns of Mary Tyler Moore and Andy Griffith.
She likes to snuggle best of all.
Ken? You okay? Shit! Hey! Is there anybody out there? Help me in here! Hello? What the hell did you do? What's wrong, chief? You know what's wrong! My ass is stuck to the toilet seat in here! Oh, it must be the glue I put on there, huh? Get in here now and help me! That's an order! How am I supposed to do that? The door's locked from your side.
Get downstairs and get the guys and have them knock the goddamn door down.
Okay.
Be right back.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Jeez, it stinks like somethin' died up my ass in here.
The switch just outside the door.
Turn it on before you go.
You got it, chief.
I'll find the guys as soon as I can.
See you later.
Oh.
Jesus! Bitch! Hey, Dad? Hey, Dad? Jesus Christ! Dad! Dad! Hey! Hey, you okay? Hey.
Hey, Tom.
What's up? What happened? I fell.
It's okay.
It's nothing.
When? Jesus Christ! Come here.
Let me help you up.
Come on.
Okay.
Grab the counter.
Grab the counter.
Got it? Jesus Christ.
Here.
I'm okay.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Come here.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
Nothing's broken.
Shit.
What's this? What's it look like? It looks like a joint.
Then that's what it is.
You're smokin' pot again? I got it at Teddy's place.
I had some shit left over, and I didn't want it to go to waste.
So you were high.
That's why you fell down.
I'm using it for medicinal purposes.
What medicinal purposes? My glaucoma.
You don't have glaucoma.
Well, what do you think is keeping it at bay? I'm packing up some clothes for you, and you're moving into my house.
No, no! Yes, you are, goddamn it! You touch that joint, you son of a bitch-- Give me that.
It's like dealing with a goddamn 14-year-old! Shit! Hey! Well, look who's here! You're just in time.
We're making paella.
You got mussels? Oh, sure, mussels, shrimp, lobster, the whole nine yards.
Did you give him pot? Recently? Uh-huh.
What's with the dwarf? I'm not a goddamn dwarf, you prick.
Ixnay on the orfdway talk.
Arlo's had a couple.
Little guy gets some booze in him, all of a sudden, he's got the strength of 10 men.
We did great at the O.
T.
B.
today.
- Your share's up on your dresser.
- Great.
Dad's gonna be bunking with us for the next couple of weeks, so let's shift things around.
Sure, fine.
Hey, uh, where's the dog? Uh, yeah, about the dog.
.
Your dog's dead.
I gotta take a leak.
Did he just say the dog's dead? It's not my fault.
I took him out for a walk, and he ran down the street and got hit by a car.
You didn't have him on the leash? I thought he was on the leash.
What do you mean? You "thought" he was on the leash? I haven't seen my feet in 25 years.
I'm supposed to see a leash? I ask you to do one thing, one goddamn thing.
I'll buy you a new dog.
I don't want another dog! I want my dog! It's not your dog.
It's your kids' dog.
Shut up! Asshole.
Well see you tomorrow.