Still Standing (2015) s01e11 Episode Script

1
Woah.
All the dolls represent
real Rowley school students.
I'm glad that I have a human
audience here tonight.
I'm Jonny.
You have to prepare
the bull with your arm.
Ahhhh!
This is my history.
This is something I think
people should know about.
When you grow up in small
town in Newfoundland you see
that people have a sense of
humour about hard times.
Check, check.
I turned that into a
career and hit the road.
Mr. Jonny Harris!
Now I'm on a mission to
find the funny
in the places you'd
least expect it;
Canada's struggling small towns.
Towns that are against the
ropes but hanging in there,
still laughing in
the face of adversity.
Welcome to Rowley, Alberta.
In central Alberta near
the famous badlands,
there's a tiny pioneer
town that used to be a hub
for surrounding farms and
ranches called Rowley
♪
But I'm not going to lie
to you, arriving here,
was a bit like hitting
Dodge at high noon.
Rowley, Alberta,
population eight.
[Cheers & Applause]
Good thing more folks
from the surrounding area
showed up for the show,
or I'd be pretty lonely.
And here we are in
this lovely town hall.
I was surprised there was
a town hall because with
your population you could
have just bought a minivan.
[laughs]
Hitting the saloon, I
thought for sure I was
the butt of some kind
of joke here.
You know the one about
the Newfoundlander
who walks into the bar?
Hey there.
So he sits down
Can I get a beer?
And orders a shot.
And gets one!
Oh Jesus!
Leroy Avremenko!
[applause]
He must have taken some
great course in tourism
hospitality I was in in
the saloon two minutes and
he's waving a shotgun in
my face telling me about
how the sawdust is good
for soaking up blood.
A rubber shotgun.
That's not a weapon so much as
an an S&M toy or something.
I guess I was a fresh
victim for Leroy's many
dusty saloon gags.
Asshole of the month club.
Check out who's in there.
Oh very good
I soon found out why
a strange face was so
welcome around here.
So how many people are
there here in Rowley?
Two, four, six?
I've never seen someone count
up the population before.
Yeah the summer
time there's eight.
I've had more people
in my bathroom.
But maybe that's
the whole point?
People come here to get
away from the hustle and
bustle of a double
digit population.
Have you ever thought
about spending any
time somewhere else?
Where?
- Calgary, Edmonton?
Geez - don't talk about cities.
Time to hit mainstreet.
My guide to Rowley was
Leroy's granddaughter Harlee,
a chip off the old block
You're grandfather's
quite the character.
Let's just say he
didn't age gracefully,
but no one out here really does.
You either get old
or you get out.
He got old.
Harlee, she's only 17,
and she's got the
keys to the kingdom.
That's not a figure
of speech either!
She's got keys to every
building on mainstreet!
Why?
Because they are no
longer inhabited! By humans
Hellooo????
I feel like we should
be afraid right
now of a nuclear blast.
When the grain elevators
shut down, the farmers
stopped coming here, all
businesses closed
and now it's more or
less a museum.
This is to measure your cranium?
No it's for picking up blocks
of ice from the rivers.
Ya, but you could use it
to measure your cranium.
You guys just bought that
boxcar on an episode
of storage wars right?
Had a quick look and said, ya
we can write museum on this.
That's a perm machine
believe it or not.
A perm machine!
They permed their hair
by running electricity
through dozens of cables
into your wet hair.
That's clearly a bad idea.
[laughter]
This is the school.
Woah. -Yep
This makes the perm machine
look like a hug from nan.
All the dolls represent
real Rowley school students.
What?
But I got to say after
touring the museums and
the school house with the
dolls and what not
I'm glad, I'm really
appreciative I got a human
audience here tonight.
[laughter]
This is the church in here.
♪
Ave Maria. ♪
But Harlee was great, you
know in a way she's the
cultural ambassador
for the town.
No? -No.
It seems to me that a lot
of people still contribute
back to the town.
Ya I think it's 'cause
it's worth keeping around.
This is interesting stuff.
You're not going to
see this everyday.
This is my history this is
something that interests me.
This is something I think
people should know about.
Ya that's really admirable.
Amazing.
Rowley's business may be
all gone but the
spirit lives on.
Speaking of spirits,
In the saloon there's
definitely some stuff.
Grandpa will tell stories
about how you know he's
been sitting in the saloon
at night and left out
a shot of whiskey for him,
gone home, came back,
shot was drank.
Stuff like that.
The shot was drank - well
that could have been a ghost
or that could have been Leroy.
Either way, this tour was about
to go full circle to Sam's.
So who's Sam?
The guy up there.
So it turns out the
namesake of this saloon
is a Chinese bootlegger.
When he got out of jail
he come here
and he didn't bootleg here
he just drank.
One day Sam disappeared
so the town took up the
saloon and now, once a
month, hundreds of people
from all the over the area
come here for this big bash
called pizza night
I love that all the
revenue from pizza night
goes back into the town, it
funds everything and it works.
I think if Laureen Harper
set up a pizza stand at
24 Sussex, Canada would be
out of the deficit by the
end of the year.
Is there going to be
any entertainment?
There's one local band
that used to play here a
couple times but they
don't listen very good so
I won't let them back in.
What's the name of the band?
Nort and the Nerds
Outlawed Rock bands and pizza.
Rowley's getting saucy.
Back in the 1920s there
was barely 3 or
400 people lived here.
We had steady trains,
couple of garages,
lumberyards, pool halls, stores.
Whatever eh.
Doug Hampton and the
misses lived their
whole lives in Rowley.
Doug how come the wheat
industry here collapsed?
It was a matter of they
were building bigger
elevators and
shutting these down
I heard the story that
when the company men came
to tear down your
railway station,
Doug Hampton ran
them out of town.
So we went over to ask
them, "Well, we're here to
knock down your train station,"
we said "No you aren't."
Listen I know his
hat doesn't look
too intimidating at first
It's like a
ten-gallon wicker hat!
It's like somebody crossed
John Wayne with
some patio furniture.
Doug tells me folks in
the area bought these
buildings, and the money
they raise at their pizza
night keeps them standing.
We're proud of our
buildings and we keep
them looking good eh.
That's pretty impressive.
But next stop was a weird
one, a normal family of
4 that chose to move here.
And Patrick and Jaime,
they're doing their part.
Every time Patrick and
Jaime share a bottle of
wine the population of
Rowley goes up by 10%.
[laughter]
After living in Calgary
over a million people,
I wanted to raise my kids,
teach them to fish and
maybe hunt or garden and
then Patrick decided he
loved me enough to stay.
Everything's turning up Jaime.
I know.
Jamie's a stay at home mom
and Patrick commutes to
work in the oil industry.
Happy wife, happy life
is the expression right?
But as I was learning
nothing in Rowley
is quite as it seems.
Jaime here used to be the
drummer for none other
than Nort and the Nerds.
I guess it's hard to rock
and roll when you
have two tiny kids.
Oh yeah
Have you seen the muppets?
Animal the drummer?
That's Jamie.
Oh really?
- No no no.
We used to get a
lot of complaints.
Leroy said we were too
loud, we weren't allowed
to play in the saloon.
Get your stuff out.
Really?
I got to meet the
band, I got to meet.
Ah yes you do.
Jaime has an incredible
passion for Rowley.
Thanks for coming
out to meet us.
Jamie told me that if she could,
she would die in Rowley.
That's easy, go for
a drive with Mike.
Oh we're cutting
in on the inside.
Hold up, let's
role it back here.
Mike McKee is a fourth
generation wheat farmer
who lives just
outside of Rowley.
Oh I've been here all my life.
My great grandfather
settled this place up
here in 1898 and been
here ever since.
After that long, I
figured the farming game
was nice and stable
Anything can happen.
Wrong again.
You can go from being a
millionaire to being broke
within three weeks if
stuff turns south right.
Then I asked a question
that changed my view
of Rowley forever.
Is there anything to
do for fun around here?
Mike McKee spends most
of his time fixing up old
cars so he can get drunk
and race them around a field.
Oh Jesus
And he seems pretty
content doing it.
Anywhere else he wouldn't
be content,
he'd be incarcerated.
[laughter]
Oh we're cutting on the inside.
You may you're your belt.
I'm putting my belt on.
Tell my mom I died
doing something stupid.
It's wild cause it goes
against everything you learned,
every instinct
you have to be driving
right behind someone to
accelerate and hit them.
Woo!
That's the way you do it.
Jesus Christ.
But after you've done it a
few times, it feels great.
Who hasn't always
wanted to do this?
Exactly.
What a friggin blast the
liberation of living
on your own land,
by your own terms,
suddenly the middle of
nowhere had serious appeal.
Maybe it was the
concussion talking,
but the reasons to fight for
this town were all making sense.
Rowley redneck roadrunners.
everybody cheers
I'd met the Rowley eight.
Time to get out of town
and see what's really
holding this place together
Back in the days of the
wild west, Rowley's grain
elevator and railway
serviced all the farms and
ranches around here.
But what's binding
them to Rowley now?
I went up to the Richmond ranch.
We've been here for a long time,
my family came to the
country of Canada in 1912.
Tiffany and Sam are the
5th generation
taking care of animals here.
I figured it'd be dirty work.
Little did I know that
cattle up for sale
get so much primping
and preening.
Look at my girl, Aurora.
Aurora's going on a diet.
The more bum, the more beef.
Big butts.
- That's it.
So do you guys have to do
all this much work every day?
Sure it's hard work but
it's peace and quiet,
it's beautiful scenery, it's
every day waking up
and you get to do
something different.
I wouldn't want to
do anything else.
♪
I shaved one arse cheek
and not the other arse cheek.
See we call that a gauge.
- That's not good?
- No
It's show time for the buyers!
Fingers crossed that her
huge rear is distracting
everybody from the gouge
Aurora, she's got good
child bearing hips,
first thing I look
for in a lady.
Well have a look around.
[laughter]
I like both heffers,
probably my choice,
that's right, this heifer here.
Are you kidding me?
It all came down to a haircut.
A hair cut.
Okay okay I get it, I get it.
crowd claps
Well done girl second place,
we're happy with it.
2nd place I could live with.
What came next was total bull.
So we sell these bulls and
we fertility test
them for the new owner.
First thing we do is
measure the scrotal size
of the bull because they
have to have adequate
testicle size to be
a performing bull.
We measure the what?
Alright big guy.
This is my first time
so just let's try to
be reasonable with each other.
Have you found the scrotum?
Found it?
It's all I can see.
It's taking up my entire view.
Do you know what you
get if you're the most
desirable bull on the farm?
You get a big electric
probe up your arse
[laughter]
to extract your sperm.
[laughter]
This is magic Mike
It looks like a
goddamn cruise missile
Suddenly I don't feel bad
for having never
won a beauty contest.
- So then the hand or this?
- Both
I'm Jonny.
I think it's good for us
to be on first name basis
given the intimate nature
of the process we're about
to go through right now.
Ya, you can have a sniff.
Get used to each other.
Before the probe goes
in, you have to uhm
prepare the bull with your arm.
[laughter]
Keep going, does it feel normal?
I don't know, I don't know,
I've never done it before.
[laughter]
I had a plastic glove up
to here and a 2000lb bull
up to here, I was sweating
bullets I didn't know what
I was doing, I was up
way up to my elbow.
[laughter]
This is like a puppet
show gone very wrong.
I feel like I can make him talk.
Bull noise
[laughter]
I kept having this weird
creepy thought that the
bull was trying to
take my blood pressure.
[laughter]
I thought any moment
the bull's going to turn
around and go 120 over 80.
[laughter]
I didn't just get close
with nature here,
I got intimate and
it changed me.
Thanks Jackie
So now Jackie is going
to examine this
under the microscope.
It was like I was invested
in these animals'
lives after one day.
I can only imagine
the kind of ties five
generations would create.
I see Sperm!
We got swimmers baby!
♪
Is any one of them
asking for directions?
Oh look who's the comedian.
I went into the house
to really wash my hands,
Jim's wife Stephanie
was there and as usual -
Rowley ropes you in.
Stephanie makes sculptures
out of puff wheat.
We were building
a grain elevator.
I make puff wheat art to
bring in money to keep the
hall and all the
community functions going.
And there's a neighbour
who really likes
it he's gone up to a
thousand dollars.
Are you serious?
For the people who stay
here what keeps them here?
The love of the land.
The love of the land and the
love of chocolate puffed wheat.
Yes.
It's a lot like measuring
a scrotum circumference.
You did wash your hands
after you measured
the scrotal on the bull did you?
After just harvesting bull
semen all day I didn't
want to ask her how she
got the puff wheat
to stick together.
[laughter]
Okay so if this auctions for
a 1000 bucks split it 50/50.
But mine's all going
to the community so.
Well I haven't decided
where my half is going yet.
Well I'm pretty sure pizza
night tomorrow night and
you feel all the warmth
of the community and
everybody there together,
you'll know what
to do with your half.
We'll see.
First I need to talk
to the loan band of
Pizza Night outcasts,
Nort and the Nerds.
I knew I had to find the
ear-splitting rock demons,
Nort and the Nerds!
Metal shredders so
diabolically demonic they
were banished from the
one saloon in town.
Surely they were
terrible troubadors,
surely they were
these guys?
♪
I'd heard about
Nort and the Nerds.
You guys are legends
in this area.
I was expecting shaggy
haired, renegade type.
Interesting age dynamic
in Nort and the Nerds.
Serena did you go to
school with these guys?
Ian's daughter Serena
she's only 13, the rest of
the guys have got
underwear older than her.
[laughter]
Serena watch the beat the, rest
of you watch your cholesterol.
[laughter]
I've always claimed that
Rowley's been built in a
day and we've been trying to
put it together ever since.
We've never let it die like it
just keeps going and going.
They weren't loud they're proud.
Just like everyone else
around Rowley they want
to let the world know.
I couldn't stand on the
sidelines any longer.
Would it be possible for
Nort and the Nerds to
appease Leroy with a song?
♪
Alright I think
I've got a verse.
I've got a verse.
2, 3, 4
♪
Jonny's not a virgin anymore!
It was everything they
told me, and more.
When this town of eight
exploded with
people from all over.
People who want to see
this tiny place survive,
it all became clear
Pizza! Here you go, boys.
Rowley is a lot
bigger than it looks.
Here anyone can be an
honorary citizen
but you got to earn it.
Sold to Billy - 200 bucks.
But there's one thing
left to do in this place
that's one horse shy of a one
horse town.
And it might get loud.
After all, Rowley hadn't
survived this long
by keeping quiet.
Nort and the Nerds are
back in Sam's tonight.
crowd cheers
Nort and the Nerds
should be able to play.
Nort and the Nerds are
from Rowley, they got
started in Rowley.
Leroy, come on up here buddy,
we got a song to sing for ya.
We're going to call it the
song of reconciliation.
Nort and the Nerds not
being able to play in
Rowley is like Chilliwack
not being able
to play in Chilliwack.
Leroy, oh Leroy, we
know you're the man.
Leroy don't you
understand it ain't fair
the nerds got banned.
You know it it ain't
fair you banned our band.
There was a divide in
this town and the
only cure was cowbell.
It ain't fair
the nerds got banned,
We owe it all to Leroy
Avermenko and a Chinese ghost!
We owe it all to
Leroy Avermenko.
crowd cheers
Today before I left the
hotel my mom called for
the first time since
I've been here.
She said Jonathan
how is the place?
I said well mom you know it's
a standard Albertan town,
the saloon is haunted by
a Chinese bootlegger,
there's a bunch of dolls
in the school house
and the whole city is
run on guts, tenacity,
bull semen and pizza.
She said what are
you talking about?
I said I'm talking
about Rowley, Alberta.
Thanks so much everybody.
[Cheers]
If we weren't on the
map before now, we are.
We hope you're surprised
if nothing else.
Amazing, so good.
Very proud to be from Rowley.
Jonny's awesome.
Who?
Jonny Love it out
here even though there's
amusing stuff that
sometimes goes on.
He better come back with
a bottle of rum next time.
Two bottles of rum.
Time of my life.
Great show yeah.
No rules apply.
That's a mild way of putting it.
Time to make pizzas.