The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e11 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
Well, I'm sorry, boys.
That's the only kind
of pillows we got.
( muttering voices)
Oh, howdy, Barney.
Got the mail, did you?
Yeah. Got another
bunch of Christmas cards.
More Christmas cards?
I declare! Seem like
more folks remembered us
this year than they ever did.
Yeah.
I really do love
to get 'em, too.
Yeah, I do, too. I'd rather open
Christmas cards than
anything I know of.
Oh, D. Floyd, uh-huh.
I ain't seen him in a long time.
Oh, that's pretty.
Ain't that nice?
Yeah.
"Have the merriest
Christmas ever.
Happy new year." Boy.
Hey, Andy? Huh?
Remember the Hubacher brothers?
Oh, yeah, they send us
a card this year, did they?
Yeah. They always send
out such nice family pictures.
Yeah, where are they now?
Up in state prison.
Yeah?
That's nice.
I declare.
I believe I like the one they
sent last year better, though.
It was more out-doorsy,
and Christmasy feeling to it.
They was working out
on the County Road then.
Oh, yeah, that's
right, that's right.
Hey, look at that Elmer.
He's the baby, ain't he?
Yeah. Get a load Yeah.
"Merry Christmas
from State Prison."
Yeah. I think
it's just wonderful
that they're all
together at Christmas.
I do, too.
Oh, there's one for
you marked "personal."
Oh.
( humming cheerful tune)
Ooh, ain't that pretty? Red.
Oh.
( chuckling)
That's sweet.
Well, who's it from?
What?
That card there, who's it from?
The card?
Yeah.
Oh.
( mumbling)
Who?
Hilda May.
Oh, your sweetheart sent you
a card for Christmas, did she?
Yeah. Christmas, sure.
Yeah? What'd she
say that was sweet?
"Sweet"?
Yeah. I heard you
say "sweet" while you
was reading it there.
What'd she say?
Oh, she said said,
"Merry Christmas."
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
What else'd she
say that was sweet?
"Merry Christmas, Barney."
Oh, now, come on, Barney,
you can tell me what she said.
What'd she say to
you that was so sweet?
"Merry Christmas,
Barney Parney Pooh."
"Pooh"?
Pooh! I don't want to
open any more cards.
( chuckling): Well, try
putting a few of these
up on the bulletin
board there, will you?
( ringing)
Hello?
Oh, hey, Aunt Bee.
Yes, ma'am. I got the
doodads for the tree.
Aunt Eleanor, she's
bringin' the eggnog
and now all we got's
to have somebody play
Santa Claus
tonight and we're set.
Huh? No, I don't want to be
Santa Claus again this year.
I was last year.
What?
Barney?
Well, I reckon I could tell Opie
that Santa Claus
has been on a diet.
I still think he's a
mite skinny for the job,
but I'll give it a try.
Hey, Barney.
Say somethin' like Santa Claus.
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.
Try puttin' a "Pooh"
on the end of it.
Oh, nothin', Aunt Bee.
I was just pickin'
at Barney a little bit.
I'll be home pretty
soon, I reckon.
Couple of hours, I reckon.
Ain't nothin' much
going on down here.
All right.
Bye.
Oh, boy, we gonna
have a good time tonight.
Aunt Bee's got everything.
We gonna sing and laugh
and you'll be Santa Claus.
No, I won't.
Well, why not?
'Cause I ain't gonna be there.
Well, what do you mean,
you ain't gonna be there?
Oh, not 'cause I picked at you
a little bit about Hilda May.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That-that ain't it, Andy.
Well, what is it, then?
Well, as long as we got us
some prisoners
in the cells there,
why, somebody's got
to stay here on duty.
Oh, yeah, now, that does
make a problem, don't it?
It sure does.
With a little practice,
I could have done
a mean "Ho, ho,
ho, Merry Christmas."
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Barney, I
just had a thought.
Now, what do we got
them boys in there for?
Well, Jim there was
disturbing the peace
No, that ain't what I mean.
We got them in there to
kind of teach them a lesson.
Ain't that right?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, now, don't that
make them kind of like students
and us kind of like teachers
and this here jail here
kind of like a school?
Yeah.
Yeah. Well, everybody
knows the students
get a vacation from
school during Christmas.
Yeah!
Yeah. Sure.
All right, students
I'm gonna let you out of school
till after Christmas.
( prisoners shouting)
Now, now, listen.
Listen here, now.
Any student that ain't back
as soon as Christmas is over
is gonna be picked up
by this truancy
officer right here
and do a whole lot of
extra staying after school.
Now, you understand that?
'Cause. Understand perfectly
All right. School's dismissed.
Merry Christmas,
Andy. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas,
Jim. I'll see ya
Thanks, Barney.
Merry Christmas.
Be careful crossing
the street, now
and don't drink too much.
( chuckling): Yeah.
Well, now, I don't see
why we have to
have a teacher on duty
with an empty school.
Do you?
No. Hey, listen, Andy.
How's this sound to you?
Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas.
Oh, that sounds the best
Santa Claus I ever heard.
( chuckling) (
indistinct voices)
All right, Sheriff, lock him up.
What for?
Moonshining.
I caught him red-handed.
And here's the evidence.
Hmm.
Eww.
Well, now, I'll have to admit
it ain't exactly sarsaparilla.
I wasn't meaning
to sell it, Sheriff.
I I just made a batch to
kind of merry up Christmas.
Aha. He admits it.
He confessed.
Now, you heard him, Sheriff.
Lock him up.
Lock him up?
But school's out.
I mean
Come on, Sheriff, do your duty.
Well, now, Ben, you heard
him say he didn't make it to sell,
and after all, tomorrow
bein' Christmas,
and Sam, here,
bein' a family man,
and Christmas
bein' a family holiday,
I was just wonderin'
No, sir.
I'd like to see how
forgivin' you'd be
if you had a store
that sold spirits
and half the county was
cuttin' in on your sales
by makin' their
own, again' the law.
Well, I know how you feel, Ben,
but like I say, after
all, it is Christmas.
Christmas! Hah!
Now-now, Ben, I
give you my word
I give you my word
Right after Christmas,
I'll arrest him and try him
strictly accordin' to the law.
No, and I'm gonna keep
my eye on this jailhouse.
And if this here
moonshiner ain't in that cell
every minute of the time,
I'm gonna report you
to the state officials
for bein' derelict in your duty.
And you know they
got enough pull up there
to make it stick.
But it's Christmas.
Christmas? Ha!
If that ain't the meanest,
orneriest, low-downdest man.
Well, come on, Sam.
I'm sorry.
I tried to talk to him,
but I've had dealings
with him before
and I declare you just
can't do anything with him.
Yeah. I sure feel low
thinkin' of my family
spendin' Christmas
without their pappy.
Yeah.
Andy?
Hmm?
Couldn't we just
dismiss school again?
No, I'm afraid not, Barney.
If it was just up
to me, we could,
but this is different.
And he's right.
He could make a whole
lot of trouble for us.
Yeah, and I sure
was lookin' forward
to playin' Santa Claus.
Jingle bells ♪
Jingle bells ♪
Jingle all
No, by dawg.
There's more than one
way to plug a buzzard.
Yes, sir.
All right. Sam!
Get in there, young 'uns.
Got a hug for your daddy?
We're gonna have a Merry
Christmas after all, aren't we?
All right, Sheriff, I warned you
I was gonna be watching out
for your shenanigans.
Shenanigans? I
don't rightly know
what you're talking about, Ben.
Oh, don't you?
Then why'd you bring Sam's
wife and young 'uns here?
Why, I was just tending to
my sworn duty,
like you told me to.
"Sworn duty"?
Why, certainly.
I didn't let the fact
it was Christmas
keep me from arrestin' 'em.
"Arrestin' 'em"?
Yeah!
Bess, did you know
that the party
of the first part,
one Sam Muggins
here, was making a batch
of moonshine?
Effie, honey, did you know?
Billy?
Now, there you are.
If that don't make
them accessories
before, during,
and after the fact
I don't know what
does. But-but
Now, Ben, you wouldn't want me
to let three such desperate criminals
run around loose in
our fair town, would ya?
Well, I, uh Now
( stammers): Now
Ah, good!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Barney!
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Oh, Merry Christmas, Aunt Bee.
Merry Christmas.
Let me help you here.
Take a look at that.
Oh, I hope you made
that good orange dressing
like you did last
year. I did, I did, I did
Sheriff!
Wow, look at that
good-looking turkey.
Is there anything else out
there to come in, Aunt Bee?
Oh, yes, Barney.
There's a whole basketful
of food out there and
presents and ornaments.
Mmm, best turkey I've ever seen.
I'd better give you a hand.
Give 'em a hand. Help everybody.
Now, listen here, Sheriff
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Ah, Merry Christmas!
Oh, look at that eggnog!
Have a taste right now.
All right, I'll take
a little bite of that.
There we go. Oh
Mmm. Let me get around here.
Golly, that's good eggnog.
Ben, you want a little eggnog?
No, I don't!
Sam, how about you?
You want some egg nog?
I just want to know
what's going on here
that's all.
Oh, well, what's going on
is I'm just taking your
good advice, Ben.
My advice?
When did I advise you
to have a party here?
Oh, party golly, no.
I just got to wonderin'
was I being dutiful enough
leaving these desperate
characters here
guarded by only one deputy.
"No, sir," I says to myself.
So I just went out and swore
me in a few more deputies.
No, sir!
Ain't nobody gonna escape
from this jail this night.
BARNEY: Okay,
Sam, she's all ready.
Look there, kids They
got us a Christmas tree!
ANDY: Jump out
here and get that tree.
Put it back over there, Barney.
Thank you.
Ain't that pretty?
Oh, boy, that's a pretty tree.
A little tree for a little room.
Put her right on that
table there. Huh?
Lookie, is that what you
call locking up a prisoner?
Oh well, I just
got to thinking
with all these deputies
I got on duty here,
now would be a good time
to try out the honor system
the State Penal
Commission recommended.
It's disgraceful.
That's what it
is disgraceful!
A prisoner is for
punishin', not for picnickin'.
Well, now, I always thought
that a prison was a place
for teachin' wrongdoers
to get back on the path.
Ain't that right?
Well, yes, but
Sam, you figurin' on doin'
any more moonshinin'
when you get out?
No, Sheriff.
Now, you see?
It's working already.
I better help you
with that tree,
Barney. Now, look
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Don we now our gay apparel ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
Troll the ancient
yuletide carol ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪
( all talking at once)
ANDY: Now, let's get
that light right there.
Let's get a little red there.
( all talking at once)
OPIE: the best party
in the whole world.
( all chuckling)
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la ♪
La-la-la-la ♪
'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la ♪
La-la-la-la ♪
Don we now our gay apparel ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la-la ♪
La-la-la ♪
Troll the ancient
yuletide carol ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪
Pa, Pa, come quick. Hurry!
ANDY: What's the matter?
Outside a robber!
There.
Ben!
What in the world do
you think you're doing?
I'm taking the bench.
That bench is
courthouse property.
It's public property.
And I'd like to see it
setting out in front of
my store for a while.
You got any objections?
You ought to lower the
boom on him, right now.
Let's run him in.
Now, Ben, I know
the holidays don't
mean anything to you,
but I certainly would
feel mighty bad
if I had to lock a
fella up for Christmas.
Now, you just put the
bench back where it was,
and go on home.
I ain't gonna do it.
Ben, much as I hate to
I'm just gonna
have to lock you up.
All right, come on. Let's go.
Now, wait a minute Andy.
Stubborn and mean as he is,
it is Christmas.
Well, I guess you're right.
There you are, Ben.
Merry Christmas.
Come on.
This is mighty fine
eggnog, Aunt Bee.
Okay, how's that?
Fine. I wonder what's
keeping Barney.
We can't finish the tree.
Oh, he'll be
along in a little bit.
How long should it take
him to go down to Smith's
for some extra light bulbs?
All right, come on in.
Bringin' in a prisoner, Sheriff.
Well, what happened?
Parked his car in
front of a fireplug.
I wrote him out a ticket,
and you know what he did?
What? Tore it up
in teeny little pieces.
That's what he
did. Come on, you.
Well wait Wait a minute.
Did you do like
Barney said, Ben?
What if I did?
Well, that's
contempt of the law.
I hope you got yourself
a good explanation.
I have.
Yeah? What is it?
I've got contempt of
the law around here.
You're gonna be
sorry you ever said that.
Throw the book at him.
Now-now-now, Ben, listen.
I-I sure would hate to put
you away for Christmas.
Now, I tell you what
we'll do this time.
We'll just forget
about that little
ticket-tearin' episode
and Barney, here,
he can write you out
a new citation, all right?
Fine. That'll give
me the pleasure
of tearin' it up, too.
Okay, right in
the cell. Come on!
Now now-now-now,
wait, now wait.
Now, now, listen, Ben.
A parkin' citation
is just two dollars.
Otherwise it's gonna
be two days in jail.
All right. I'll take
the two days.
Do you mean to tell me
that you're gonna
spend Christmas in jail
for the sake of
two measly dollars?
Christmas! Ha!
All right.
If that's the way you
want it, help yourself.
Andy, wait.
Hmm?
Here.
What's that?
His fine. What?
I didn't ask you.
I know, but well,
it is Christmas eve.
Why don't you stay out of this?
Now, look, Sheriff
Okay, Ben.
All right, now,
come on. Come on.
( stammering) You're free to go.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Ben.
Sheriff Out.
We'd better finish
this tree here.
Listen, Barney, if
you'll put them bulbs
right under there
where they're missin'
Oh, I declare it's
gonna be nice.
I don't know if it's
this one or that one.
We checked all the others.
Let me try this one.
Okay. Yeah.
Loose, was it? Sure was.
All right, get ready everybody,
we're gonna light the tree.
Okay, everybody.
Barney, you ready?
Yup.
All right, hit it.
( cheering)
Oh, Andy! Thank you.
Don't thank me.
Thank our master
electrician here
Old Barney Parney Pooh.
Well, you can't
make me mad today.
It's Christmas.
It is.
Hey, see if you can see
Santa Claus anywhere.
Yeah.
Oh, that is the prettiest
tree I've ever seen.
Look at that tree, young 'uns.
Ain't that pretty? Uh-huh.
( playing ballad)
Mm-hmm.
Ah, let's see.
Uh uh yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
( picking up tempo)
Remember?
( humming tune)
Away in a manger ♪
No crib for a bed ♪
The little Lord Jesus
lay down His sweet head ♪
The stars in the sky
looked down where He lay ♪
The little Lord Jesus
asleep on the hay ♪
The cattle are lowing ♪
The poor baby wakes ♪
But little Lord Jesus,
no crying He makes ♪
I love Thee, Lord Jesus,
look down from the sky ♪
And stay by my cradle
till morning is nigh ♪
Away in a manger ♪
No crib for a bed ♪
The little Lord Jesus
lay down His sweet head ♪
The stars in the sky
looked down where He lay ♪
The little Lord Jesus
asleep on the hay. ♪
Yeah, she's a pretty girl,
too. That was wonderful.
BARNEY Ho, Donner!
( sleigh bells
jingling) Ho, Blitzen!
Ho, Rudolph!
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho!
AUNT BEE: Dinner's ready.
Come over here and
get something to eat.
Grab yourselves a plate.
Oh, boy.
( everybody talking at once)
Eat a whole plate, now.
What's that?
Santa Claus, did you park
your reindeers out in the back?
Huh?
It just sounds like Donner
and Blitzen and Rudolph
ain't gettin' along too good.
Maybe I'd better go
see what's riling them.
You hurry back. I'll be
back in a few minutes.
( everybody talking at once)
What's going on?!
Ben, what in the
world are you a'doin'?
Well, I I just happened
to be walking by, and
In the alley and at night?
What in the world for?
Why, I, uh
It ain't none of your
business, Sheriff.
Well, now, I ain't
so sure it ain't.
Disturbin' the peace,
litterin', prowlin' maybe.
All right, you lock me up
and I'll sue you
for false arrest.
Threatenin' an
officer of the law.
I declare, Ben, I don't know
how a man can be so ornery.
First them spiteful
violations earlier today,
and now this.
I tell you the truth,
if a fella was tryin'
to get hisself
throwed in the jug,
he couldn't do a
better job than
Oh, you're crazy.
Why would I do a
fool thing like that?
Yeah, why would you, Ben?
That trip down
from the North Pole
made me hungrier than I thought.
I'd like to have another wing,
if you got one
there. Nice big
nice big one? Yeah.
Andy's been gone
an awfully long time.
I wonder what's keeping him.
Maybe he took a reindeer ride.
Barney, would you mind going out
and seeing where he is?
Oh, Santa Claus at
your service, ma'am.
Thank you.
All right, let's go.
Andy, what happened?
What did he do this time?
Oh, emptying trash
cans on the city streets.
What took you so long?
Well, when I nabbed him,
he insisted on his lawful right
of going back to his store
and gettin' a few
things he might need.
Well, I had a right.
Yeah, you had a right, Ben.
Santa Claus, you'd better
check that suitcase there.
We can't have him
smugglin' in any files.
All right, I'll check it.
Okay, Ben, come over here.
You're the limit,
you know that, Ben?
Well, now, Ellie, you don't
know much about police business.
When you pick up a prisoner,
he brings in a
suitcase like that
why, you got to check
Well
Well, now, how'd them
blame things get in there?
I must have mistook
'em for an electric razor.
Well, I ain't got no use
for 'em around here.
Now, I bet I thought
that was a pillow.
Yeah. Here.
Oh, for the land's sake.
You take it.
Now, that ain't
my shavin' lotion.
Here.
It's been laying on my
shelf for a year at least.
Here. Here.
Oh, Ben, no.
What in the world? Here.
Ben, I declare you didn't
You ain't had nothin'.
I declare.
Noel, the angels did sing ♪
Here, oh, wait a
minute. That ain't yours.
Here. Oh.
Was to certain poor shepherds
in fields where they lay ♪
Well, let's go, Ben.
Better get locked up.
AUNT BEE: Ben
( indistinct voices)
ANDY: Good supper.
Extra good.
Y'all get on and rest
Andy, you sure you don't
want me to stand guard?
No, no, you go head on home.
Get a good night sleep.
You're probably all wore
out after them ho, ho, ho's.
Well, I'll have to admit,
when you sing 'em out right,
they do wear a fella out.
( chuckles)
Good night, Barney.
Good night, Aunt Bee.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
( sighs)
Hey, Sam?
Hmm?
You better wake up and
take the young un's home
and put them into bed.
( sighs) Easy now, don't
drop that, look at that-that doll.
She thinks a lot of
it. You know, she
( chuckling): That's
right. Jut ease her down.
Andy. ain't you
forgetting something?
Little matter of a
moonshinin' charge?
I'll be dogged. I never
did check that evidence.
I better do that.
Yeah
Well, I was sure
looky there. It's empty.
I can't hardly hold you
without evidence, can I?
But it was
Andy, you didn't?
Oh, no, no I wouldn't
tamper with the evidence.
Why, that'd be going
against my sworn duty.
Then what you
reckon happened to it?
Well, I got to studying that
it wasn't safe out in the open
during the party with all the people
and the young un's running around.
It could get broke, you know.
So I thought it'd be a good idea
to put it in there, where it'd be
safe, in the cell there, with Ben.
Ben? You think he drunk it?
Well, now, Ben was
feeling mighty low there.
He might have took
a little pick me up.
A little pick me up?
There was a
whole lot in that jug.
Well, now, you take a man
that starts out as low as Ben did,
it might take a whole
lot to get him picked up.
I wouldn't be surprised if Ben's
full of the evidence right now.
( chuckling)