Tom Goes to the Mayor (2004) s01e11 Episode Script
Pipe Camp
0
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Hey, hon!
I'm trying to get the boys ready for school,
but I think they're pretty sick.
I love my eggs
and sausage links!
Well, the thing is, they're not moving.
They're just moaning in there.
Maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea to call a doctor.
How dare you tell me
how to raise my effing kids?
They came out of my!
It's Tom Peters.
Anyone the heck home?
- Mayor's office!
- Hello?
Hey, Tom.
Come on up.
- Mayor's office!
- It's Tom Peters.
I just ordered
a couple briskets.
- Care for a pipe smoke?
- Me? No.
I'm allergic to tobacco smoke.
Well, I don't want to take up your whole day
but our family
just did have some bad news.
All three of my stepsons have had heart attacks.
So I thought it might not be a half bad idea to, you know
start a health camp for boys.
Great, Tom.
Now try my fatty loin.
Not to be
my devil's advocate here
but that's exactly the kind of food
we're trying to stray away from.
You know, we'll have more health-based foods, outdoor activities
like canoeing and aerobics,
just like a good old-fashioned camp.
Yeah! We can even get
Pipe's Buffet involved.
OK.
They've been bugging me about getting into some outreach programs for children.
I guess it would depend.
Honestly, it doesn't seem like the greatest idea in the world.
I guess I can see your point.
We don't want
those kidssmoking pipes.
Actually, I'm starting to love this idea.
On behalf of Pipe's Buffet
I would like to present Tom Peters
with this enormous check
to begin funding
your Health Camp for Boys.
No pipes, right?
Furthermore,
we pledge that there will be
absolutely no pipe smoking
of any kind
in regards to the children.
Hey, great!
Large check.
Pipe camp?! Son of a gumble!
- Hey, Tom!
- Hey, Mayor.
Neat scooter.
Is it new?
Hold a sec, Tammie!
Thanks, Tom.
It's from Pipe's Buffet.
Look at this place.
It's great.
- What's with all the pipes?
- Probably just for design, Tom.
What are they giving to those kids?
That's it. I'm calling the authorities!
Look, there's Barb!!
She's beautiful.
Tom, I want you to meet
Barb Dunderbarn from Pipe's Buffet.
She's going to be
our Head Camp Counselor.
Nice to meet you.
This Health Camp for Boys was my idea!
Tom, I am so impressed.
And you are delicious!
Mayor, where did you find him?
Oh, stop. I've been really
looking forward to working with you
to get those boys in shape.
I took a look at this schedule of events you wrote up
and I have a few minor tweaks
we'll have to make. Is that OK, sweetie?
OK. In terms of?
Maybe we can talk about it tonight over some sort of
I don't know
romantic candlelight dinner?
Romantic?!
OK, well, to be honest with you,
the thing is
Well, then it's a date,
you yummy man.
OK, boys, time to get in shape,
so let's do some aerobics!
Hands up!
Lift 'em up! Lift 'em up!
And two, three, four, five!
Two, three, four, five.
OK. Come on, everybody,
what's wrong?
Come on, Jake, let's do it!
Come on! Up, up, up, up!
Come on, move those hips.
Let's do it!
What's the matter with you guys?
What a bunch of potato sacks.
Hey, Tom.
There you are.
Hey, Mayor. I got all my veggies here.
Where should I lay 'em?
Don't worry about that.
Barb cut most of your menu.
Look at what we have here today.
We have a little beef brisket,
and some fatty goat shoulder
stuffed pork hocks,
and some buttercream bird legs.
Mayor, this is a health camp!
This is unbelievable.
I gotta call somebody.
Tom, Barb wanted me to give you these.
Sunglasses! Cool.
- I think she likes you.
- Mayor, I'm a married man!
Tom, we're at Pipe Camp.
Live a little!
- You look very pretty tonight.
- No!
You make me blush, Tom.
You don't mind
if I pipe up a little, Tom, do you?
No, go ahead.
Don't mind me.
I just noticed your hair!
Oh, my God, I'm in love.
Let me touch it.
Can I touch it, Tom?
Lordy, I just I love it!
It makes me feel all
like nippley.
Thank you very much.
It's just a man's spike.
What I do is create a semi-circle of the mousse in my hand
Tom
I know you're a little skeptical
about some of our new programs here.
No. I'm just not 100% sure
that kids should be
messing around with pipes.
Tom, we have to look past the fact that they're children.
We've gotta look at it from the Pipe's Buffet point of view.
Tom, did you know that the average age
of a Pipe's Buffet customer is 73 years old?
What a stat!
See those kids out there, Tom?
They're our future.
Folks, America
ain't getting any younger.
So why don't you lend a hand
and teach your young-uns
about what matters most?
You know,
there's nothing more patriotic
than the savory flavors
of Grandma's home-cooked fatty meats.
And, of course,
that old familiar smell
of Grandpa's tobaccy pipe.
Smells like America to me!
Brought to you by your friends
at Pipe's Buffet.
Oh, no!
How did that get in there?
Now, let's talk about us.
Come over here
and get your gravy pot bottom.
Wait, Barb.
This is all happening very fast.
I need time to process
some of my feelings.
OK, Tom,
but don't think too hard.
Wonder where all the kids are.
Oh, Barb.
Hi, friend. I can't talk right now.
I'm pretty busy.
Yes, friend, I know.
Well, of course
I love my wife, friend.
Wait a minute. Would you just get out of here?! Go on, get!
What the heck?
Pipe smoke!
Pipe Camp, Pipe Camp,
thank you, Lord, for Pipe Camp
Fill your mouth with braised meats,
fatty loin, so tasty
Pipe Camp, Pipe Camp,
light a pipe to Pipe Camp
What the Harry?!
Raise a burning ember,
all that you remember
Love
Oh, Barb,
how could you?
Very good, Mikey.
It's important to get a good burn going
so don't be afraid to hold the flame
over the tobacco for a good minute.
Great pipemanship, Anthony.
Good boy.
Now, everyone think about what kind of roasted meat
would complement
your tobacco blend.
I hate this camp.
I wanna go home!
What to do
when your heart is on fire ♪
- Red bottoms.
- Sausage links.
The last resort
when you're hangin' from a wire ♪
The love you feel
is like the sun melting away ♪
No!!
What's happening? What
- Skylar residence.
- Who is it, Jan?
I am trying to figure that out.
Now, would you just go back to sleep?
Skylar residence.
Who am I speaking with?
It's Tom Peters. I need to report
a crime against children.
We're not in our office right now,
but we'll be there in a few hours.
But it's Pipe Camp.
They're They're
What are you doing, Tom?
Nothing. I was checking
my voicemail messages
Tommy, I know
you saw us back there.
I know you know.
Let's go back to my cabin
and you can tell me
what a big bad girl I've been.
And you can give me one of your famous red bottoms.
Oh, boy.
Can you give up
what you got
For your desire? ♪
Can you turn your back on love
to feel ♪
Attention!
This is a raid.
Stay in your cabins.
You are in breach of section 8
distributing tobacco to minors.
Sorry, spanky!
I'll e-mail you!
- Tom, let's get out of here!
- Wait!
Wait!
Too much tobacco andsexuality.
Son, shut your mouth
and stand down!
- What?!
- Just get me one clean shot.
You got the wrong man!
It was Barb Dunderbarn and the Mayor.
- We've got a live one.
- No!
No!
May I come in?
Come on in.
What's that beeping?
It's my tracking boot.
I'm on house arrest.
I'm out of range. I wish we had met
a little closer to my house.
I just wanted to give you
these flowers
for getting you wrapped up in that Pipe Camp fiasco.
Oh, thanks.
Just another experience.
Thanks to all the publicity of your trial
Pipe's has installed
this wonderful dumbwaiter.
No more stair-climbing for my briskets.
Come over here.
Take a look.
I really shouldn't.
Getting close to being out of range.
Come on, Tom, have a bite of my brisket.
Have some of my loin.
Well, it does smell particularly good.
Let me just check my chart here.
Tom, it's real moist and braised.
Lip-smacking good, Tom.
Never heard it do that before.
You know, I wonder if
- Bull's-eye!
- Yeah!
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Hey, hon!
I'm trying to get the boys ready for school,
but I think they're pretty sick.
I love my eggs
and sausage links!
Well, the thing is, they're not moving.
They're just moaning in there.
Maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea to call a doctor.
How dare you tell me
how to raise my effing kids?
They came out of my!
It's Tom Peters.
Anyone the heck home?
- Mayor's office!
- Hello?
Hey, Tom.
Come on up.
- Mayor's office!
- It's Tom Peters.
I just ordered
a couple briskets.
- Care for a pipe smoke?
- Me? No.
I'm allergic to tobacco smoke.
Well, I don't want to take up your whole day
but our family
just did have some bad news.
All three of my stepsons have had heart attacks.
So I thought it might not be a half bad idea to, you know
start a health camp for boys.
Great, Tom.
Now try my fatty loin.
Not to be
my devil's advocate here
but that's exactly the kind of food
we're trying to stray away from.
You know, we'll have more health-based foods, outdoor activities
like canoeing and aerobics,
just like a good old-fashioned camp.
Yeah! We can even get
Pipe's Buffet involved.
OK.
They've been bugging me about getting into some outreach programs for children.
I guess it would depend.
Honestly, it doesn't seem like the greatest idea in the world.
I guess I can see your point.
We don't want
those kidssmoking pipes.
Actually, I'm starting to love this idea.
On behalf of Pipe's Buffet
I would like to present Tom Peters
with this enormous check
to begin funding
your Health Camp for Boys.
No pipes, right?
Furthermore,
we pledge that there will be
absolutely no pipe smoking
of any kind
in regards to the children.
Hey, great!
Large check.
Pipe camp?! Son of a gumble!
- Hey, Tom!
- Hey, Mayor.
Neat scooter.
Is it new?
Hold a sec, Tammie!
Thanks, Tom.
It's from Pipe's Buffet.
Look at this place.
It's great.
- What's with all the pipes?
- Probably just for design, Tom.
What are they giving to those kids?
That's it. I'm calling the authorities!
Look, there's Barb!!
She's beautiful.
Tom, I want you to meet
Barb Dunderbarn from Pipe's Buffet.
She's going to be
our Head Camp Counselor.
Nice to meet you.
This Health Camp for Boys was my idea!
Tom, I am so impressed.
And you are delicious!
Mayor, where did you find him?
Oh, stop. I've been really
looking forward to working with you
to get those boys in shape.
I took a look at this schedule of events you wrote up
and I have a few minor tweaks
we'll have to make. Is that OK, sweetie?
OK. In terms of?
Maybe we can talk about it tonight over some sort of
I don't know
romantic candlelight dinner?
Romantic?!
OK, well, to be honest with you,
the thing is
Well, then it's a date,
you yummy man.
OK, boys, time to get in shape,
so let's do some aerobics!
Hands up!
Lift 'em up! Lift 'em up!
And two, three, four, five!
Two, three, four, five.
OK. Come on, everybody,
what's wrong?
Come on, Jake, let's do it!
Come on! Up, up, up, up!
Come on, move those hips.
Let's do it!
What's the matter with you guys?
What a bunch of potato sacks.
Hey, Tom.
There you are.
Hey, Mayor. I got all my veggies here.
Where should I lay 'em?
Don't worry about that.
Barb cut most of your menu.
Look at what we have here today.
We have a little beef brisket,
and some fatty goat shoulder
stuffed pork hocks,
and some buttercream bird legs.
Mayor, this is a health camp!
This is unbelievable.
I gotta call somebody.
Tom, Barb wanted me to give you these.
Sunglasses! Cool.
- I think she likes you.
- Mayor, I'm a married man!
Tom, we're at Pipe Camp.
Live a little!
- You look very pretty tonight.
- No!
You make me blush, Tom.
You don't mind
if I pipe up a little, Tom, do you?
No, go ahead.
Don't mind me.
I just noticed your hair!
Oh, my God, I'm in love.
Let me touch it.
Can I touch it, Tom?
Lordy, I just I love it!
It makes me feel all
like nippley.
Thank you very much.
It's just a man's spike.
What I do is create a semi-circle of the mousse in my hand
Tom
I know you're a little skeptical
about some of our new programs here.
No. I'm just not 100% sure
that kids should be
messing around with pipes.
Tom, we have to look past the fact that they're children.
We've gotta look at it from the Pipe's Buffet point of view.
Tom, did you know that the average age
of a Pipe's Buffet customer is 73 years old?
What a stat!
See those kids out there, Tom?
They're our future.
Folks, America
ain't getting any younger.
So why don't you lend a hand
and teach your young-uns
about what matters most?
You know,
there's nothing more patriotic
than the savory flavors
of Grandma's home-cooked fatty meats.
And, of course,
that old familiar smell
of Grandpa's tobaccy pipe.
Smells like America to me!
Brought to you by your friends
at Pipe's Buffet.
Oh, no!
How did that get in there?
Now, let's talk about us.
Come over here
and get your gravy pot bottom.
Wait, Barb.
This is all happening very fast.
I need time to process
some of my feelings.
OK, Tom,
but don't think too hard.
Wonder where all the kids are.
Oh, Barb.
Hi, friend. I can't talk right now.
I'm pretty busy.
Yes, friend, I know.
Well, of course
I love my wife, friend.
Wait a minute. Would you just get out of here?! Go on, get!
What the heck?
Pipe smoke!
Pipe Camp, Pipe Camp,
thank you, Lord, for Pipe Camp
Fill your mouth with braised meats,
fatty loin, so tasty
Pipe Camp, Pipe Camp,
light a pipe to Pipe Camp
What the Harry?!
Raise a burning ember,
all that you remember
Love
Oh, Barb,
how could you?
Very good, Mikey.
It's important to get a good burn going
so don't be afraid to hold the flame
over the tobacco for a good minute.
Great pipemanship, Anthony.
Good boy.
Now, everyone think about what kind of roasted meat
would complement
your tobacco blend.
I hate this camp.
I wanna go home!
What to do
when your heart is on fire ♪
- Red bottoms.
- Sausage links.
The last resort
when you're hangin' from a wire ♪
The love you feel
is like the sun melting away ♪
No!!
What's happening? What
- Skylar residence.
- Who is it, Jan?
I am trying to figure that out.
Now, would you just go back to sleep?
Skylar residence.
Who am I speaking with?
It's Tom Peters. I need to report
a crime against children.
We're not in our office right now,
but we'll be there in a few hours.
But it's Pipe Camp.
They're They're
What are you doing, Tom?
Nothing. I was checking
my voicemail messages
Tommy, I know
you saw us back there.
I know you know.
Let's go back to my cabin
and you can tell me
what a big bad girl I've been.
And you can give me one of your famous red bottoms.
Oh, boy.
Can you give up
what you got
For your desire? ♪
Can you turn your back on love
to feel ♪
Attention!
This is a raid.
Stay in your cabins.
You are in breach of section 8
distributing tobacco to minors.
Sorry, spanky!
I'll e-mail you!
- Tom, let's get out of here!
- Wait!
Wait!
Too much tobacco andsexuality.
Son, shut your mouth
and stand down!
- What?!
- Just get me one clean shot.
You got the wrong man!
It was Barb Dunderbarn and the Mayor.
- We've got a live one.
- No!
No!
May I come in?
Come on in.
What's that beeping?
It's my tracking boot.
I'm on house arrest.
I'm out of range. I wish we had met
a little closer to my house.
I just wanted to give you
these flowers
for getting you wrapped up in that Pipe Camp fiasco.
Oh, thanks.
Just another experience.
Thanks to all the publicity of your trial
Pipe's has installed
this wonderful dumbwaiter.
No more stair-climbing for my briskets.
Come over here.
Take a look.
I really shouldn't.
Getting close to being out of range.
Come on, Tom, have a bite of my brisket.
Have some of my loin.
Well, it does smell particularly good.
Let me just check my chart here.
Tom, it's real moist and braised.
Lip-smacking good, Tom.
Never heard it do that before.
You know, I wonder if
- Bull's-eye!
- Yeah!