Twins (2005) s01e11 Episode Script

Why didn't you give that guy | your real name when your ordered?
What's the fun in that? | This is the one chance
to be anyone in the world you | want to be. Live out your fantasy.
- I got two lattes here for Li Chang. | - Thank you.
He totally thinks I'm Chinese.
This is really nice. | We don't do this enough.
What? Drink Li Chang's coffee?
No. Have sister time.
So, tell me what's going | on in your life, sis?
Let's really talk. | Let's make it all about Mitchee.
Uh, okay. Well, yesterday in | therapy I had this crazy--
- Get out. | - What? - Get out!
See that cute guy in the leather jacket? | I've been dying to meet him.
I've been tracking him for two weeks. | He's looking for a place to sit. | So go. Now!
This seat's empty.
Wait. My bag.
Thanks.
No, thank you. | I hate sitting by myself.
Li Chang's a bitch.
Twins Season 1 Episode 11 | Musical Chairs
So instead of using a pen | and paper to write letters,
you can use your keyboard | for electronic mail?
Shh. It's our little secret.
Fascinating.
- Lee, guess what? | - What?
I am finally a proud traveler | on the cyber-highway.
And Bob here is my trusty guide.
Well, congratulations. | I knew that you could do it, grandpa.
Listen to my great new e-mail address.
- Alan3007. | - That's it?
I talked him out of DoctorPanties14.
Can you believe there | were 13 other people
clever enough to come | up with DoctorPanties?
Oh, look. | I got an e-mail from you.
Alan, this is naughty.
Ooh. This is making me | kind of uncomfortable.
How do you think I | felt typing it for him?
Talofa. | It's Samoan for "hello,"
"good-bye," and "peace." All three. | But just then I was going for "hello."
Well, talofa right back at you.
Thank you. I too hope for peace.
- Who is Alan3007? | - Not a clue.
Oh, it's gotta be spam. | So long, sucker!
Hey, aren't you going | to ask me why talofa?
It's because I went out with the | cute coffee shop guy last night.
He plays the sax. | And he's traveled a bunch.
And speaks all kinds of other languages.
Well, I hope it was worth it,
because you broke my laptop | when you kicked my bag.
It was totally worth it.
Hey, I can have my messages? I need | to know where to meet Keith for lunch.
You don't have any messages.
Really? Keith said he was | gonna call. That's nutty.
Hmm. A guy says he'll | call and he doesn't.
Wow. Pretty soon cats will be | meowing and dogs will be barking.
Yeah, totally.
Wait. I don't get that.
According to my new friend "the net,"
it is 38 degrees in Columbus, Ohio.
I can't believe it. A vast and wondrous | new world has opened up before me.
Have you Googled yourself?
Yes, but I thought you were asleep.
No. Googling yourself is how you can see
if there's anything | about you on the Internet.
- Oh. | - So
- You type in your name. | - Uh-huh.
- And now we see what fun stuff comes up. | - Oh!
Hey. There's something about you | being a Stanford alum.
And you're in some business journals. | And then there's--
- Uh-oh. | - No, wait, wait.
I hate my idiot boss.com?
What can that be?
Well, it's probably there by mistake.
You know, like those e-mails | I get about my small penis.
It looks like-- It looks | like some kind of journal.
- They're called blogs. | - Blogs? Yeah.
"My job here at Arnold | Undergarments sucks chunks."
"My boss man Alan is a colossal dork
with zero business skills | and a toxic personality."
This is not nice, Lee. | This is not nice at all.
No, and it's filled with typos.
I mean, you are not an asshoke.
But it gets worse. This person | thinks I'm physically grotesque.
Listen. "Alan Arnold has no ass."
"God only knows how this butless | wonder landed such a smoking hot wife."
Aww!
How dare he.
Who could this be? | Who think I'm an idiot and you're hot?
Alan, that could be anybody.
Keith and I were supposed to | go to lunch like an hour ago.
- Why hasn't he called me? | - I can't imagine.
What if he was about to call me | and he got into a terrible accident
and the blood shorted | out his cell phone?
That's what I was gonna say.
I'm calling him.
Keith? | Hi, it's Farrah. Are you okay?
Oh! Listen, we were | supposed to have lunch today.
Oh! Oh, okay, sorry.
Bye-bye.
There was no accident.
He's just been stuck | in important meetings.
Farrah, I hate to break this to you,
but I kind of think | you're being blown off.
What are you talking about?
Oh, my God. You've never | been blown off before.
Well, why would I? | I'm cute. And fun.
And I know that trick about where to put
your finger right before | the guy's about to--
Uh, look. Being rejected | is a language all its own.
When a guy says that he is | stuck in meetings all day,
that means he's probably | not so interested.
- He could've been stuck in meetings. | - He's a saxophone player.
When a guy asks you to | lunch instead of dinner--
Shows how much you know. | I asked him to lunch.
Okay. When a guy asks you to nothing,
once again, not a good sign.
Oh, my God. I really am being blown off.
- I'm sorry. | - Do you have any idea how this feels?
- Like you're worthless. | - Yes.
- Like you're dirt. | - Exactly.
Like you've got another ten years | of reading Cosmo's "How To Get A Man"
and then hating Cosmo for | telling you to get a man.
And then sitting home alone | being like, "Where's my man?"
I only read the articles | on where to put your finger.
- You wanted to see me, Mr. Arnold? | - Have a seat.
Henry, I was on the computer | this morning. I was blogging out
when I came across | some material that--
Well, let's just say it | wasn't exactly fan mail.
Oh, yeah. I hate my idiot boss.com.
Now I'm not going to | ask you to name names
- because I know no one likes a snitch. | - It's Bob.
Bob from tech support?
But he's the one who taught | me how to use the computer.
Ironic. | Can I go?
Yes. And thank you, Henry.
And rest assured I will never mention | this conversation to Bob.
You can mention it.
He snitched on me when I | stole that case of post-its.
Bob, didn't tell me about that. It | was Irma from accounting who told me.
Oh. Then, yeah, maybe | don't mention this to Bob.
Oh, hey, Irma? | Got a second?
I have a latte for Mai Ling.
Uh, excuse me. | You're Keith, aren't you?
Yeah. We met before?
I'm Farrah's sister Mitchee.
Well, then why does | your cup say Mai Ling?
Because I'm Chinese. | You got a problem with that?
No problem.
Look, I want to know why you didn't | call her for lunch today.
I mean you said you were going to.
Yeah, well, you know how it is.
No, I dot know how it is. | Because I'm not some guy.
I mean I don't give girls all these | lame excuses and false hope and think
I never have to answer for it. | Well, you know what? Today you do
because you ran into me. | And I'm your worst nightmare.
You flicked my foam.
You have a lot of nerve | blowing off my sister.
She's hot. She's fun.
I mean she has tons of great qualities. | What the hell is missing for you?
- That. | - Excuse me?
- What you have. | - Me?
No offense to your sister, but
you've got a certain spark | that I'm attracted to.
So you play the sax? That's cool.
Bob from tech support?
But he's the one who taught you | how to use the computer.
I know. I have already | discussed the irony with Henry.
Who, by the way, is | a thief and a snitch.
And an animal.
I just had to call security | because he was pulling Irma's hair.
Well, anyway, back to Bob.
He is on his way up for | a serious talking to.
Would you like me to leave?
No. I want you to stay and | see how I handle an employee
who has disrespected me, | my company, and my buns.
Trust me, Lee.
I am going to put an end to this | little problem once and for all.
Bobby!
Good to see you. | Come in.
Take a load off.
Bob, I just wanted to tell you | how much I value you as an employee.
And the way that you, uh, uh,
support all ourtech.
No problem.
And how Arnold Undergarments | is a brighter, happier place
due in no small part to your magnetic | personality and megawatt smile.
There it is! Ha ha!
And because I value you so much | I wanted to ask if there was anything
that was bothering you about the work | environment. Or, for instance, me?
Nothing at all.
You sure there isn't anything you find | lacking or deficient?
I couldn't be happier.
All right then.
Go forth. Continue to | spread your sunshine.
Will do.
Huh? Huh?
What was that?
That is how you handle | a disgruntled employee.
Why didn't you just rip him a new one?
Because that is not the | kind of manager I am.
I rule by compassion. Trust me, Lee. | Kindness is the key ingredient
in building a workplace that is happy | and harmonious for all.
I suppose you're right.
Mr. Arnold? FYI.
I didn't mean to bite Irma. | She just ran into my teeth.
Hey, Farrah.
Did you know that the book store has | a whole section on being rejected?
Chicks who read must get | dumped left and right.
So you're still not over this, huh?
No. I'm totally bummed.
How could Keith turn out | to be an alpha deceiver
who won't trust himself enough to love?
Yeah. Speaking of Keith, | guess who I just ran into?
Keith.
Really?
Did you talk to him?
Yeah. Did I give him a piece of my mind. | I mean I really laid into him.
I even flicked his foam.
You did? Thanks, M.
So then what happened?
Well, get this. | He had the nerve to ask me out.
Oh! What a sleazeball. | What did you say?
Well, I mean the guy was clearly | expecting me to say no,
so I thought I'd mess | with his head a little bit.
Oh. I like it.
So he's totally gonna show up somewhere | and you're not gonna be there.
Totally.
Or I'll pull the double | reverse and I'll be there.
I like it.
Wait. No, I don't. | Why are you gonna go?
Oh, I wouldn't.
Unless it's okay with you. And I hope | it is because I told him you would.
You did? | You're going out with him?
I'm sorry, but he's so cute. And he | plays the sax. And he says I have a spark.
What kind of a sister would do this?
Well, it's not like | you're in love with him.
I mean you guys went on one date. | Come on, Farrah.
I really just want | your blessing on this.
Oh, yeah. Well, you're not getting it. | In fact, I forbid you.
You forbid me?
Oh, don't act like you | don't know what it means.
Look, you can't forbid me. | I'll do whatever I want.
Fine. Steal my guy.
I'm gonna | steal your--
Oh, I don't want any of this crap.
Hi, Bob.
How did you know I was in here?
Oh, I know a lot of things.
So, whatcha doing?
Uh, I'm e-mailing my grandma.
Yeah, let me just take a look at that.
Interesting. You're sending your | grandma a picture of dogs doing it,
and the one on the | bottom has Alan's face.
She likes visual humor. | And, you know, dirty stuff.
You know, Bob, one of the things | that I love about my husband
is his naive optimistic | view of the world.
And I would really hate | to see that be ruined.
I-- I understand.
No, I don't think that you do, Bob.
So, listen up.
If you don't cut the crap, | you're gonna have to deal with me.
And I am not going to | kill you with kindness.
I am going to do it by | stomping on your pebbles.
Have a nice day.
What are you looking for?
Nothing. I'm just mad. | So I'm slamming things.
What's the matter?
I went out with this guy and he | totally rejected me. And now--
- He what? | - Rejected me.
- Oh! | - I know.
Apparently it happens | to women all the time.
I mean there's this whole | section in the bookstore about it.
Wait a minute. Let me get this | straight. You were in a bookstore?
Guess who's going out with him now?
Angelina Jolie?
- No. | - Then I'm all out of guesses.
Mitchee. | Mitchee's going out with him.
Can you believe that?
I mean I would never go out | with a guy that she liked.
No, of course you wouldn't, sweetie.
Except for-- Let's see.
Jack Pollack and Donnie Krieger.
Tom Ryan. Greg Thomas.
Barry Wernick. And Glen Gilman.
What? That's all you got?
Look, there is a time to be territorial | when it comes to men.
I mean, God knows, when Christie | Brinkley hit on your father
I had to put orange | sorbet down her thong.
All I'm saying is that you | have no claim to this guy.
And he is not interested in you.
So why don't you let | your sister be happy?
Because she's a guy stealer. | And she hurt my feelings.
Well, how do you think Mitchee felt
all the times that the | shoe was on the other foot?
She couldn't have felt too bad. | She never said anything.
Not to you, she didn't.
She said something to you? | Why didn't she tell me?
Because she didn't want | to make you feel bad.
Well, that's different. | She's a better person than I am.
And now it's your chance | to be a better person.
Can't I just recycle a can or something?
All right. Fine.
Christie Brinkley hit on Dad?
Yeah.
But that was back when he had an ass.
Honey, you ready to go home?
Not yet, Lee. I am just about | to surf onto the Interweb.
I think Bob has had enough time | to update his blog by now.
Uh-huh. Okay. Here we go. | Ah-ha. Lee, look.
"How did I not see that Alan Arnold | has penetrating intelligence,
commanding presence, and | the ass of a Roman statesman?"
Oh, and he has even changed | the name of the blog.
My boss deserves his hot wife.com.
Yeah. I know you would've | handled it another way, Lee.
But it's like I told you. | Kindness begets kindness every time.
Well, you were right. And I | learned a very valuable lesson.
Oh, good night, Bob. And thank | you for all your fine work.
Good night.
Good night Bob.
MitchI owe you an apology.
I had no right to complain | about you going out with anyone.
Look, I'm sorry too.
I mean, I can't believe | I fought with you over a guy.
Talofa?
Talofa.
So how was your date anyway?
- Oh, not great. | - Really?
Yeah. Guy who plays the saxophone. Cool.
Guy who plays the saxophone on the | street to pay for your date. Less cool.
So did you blow him off?
No. I wanted to, but I couldn't.
- Why? | - I don't know how.
Oh, my God. You've never | blown anyone off before.
It's true. I haven't.
And he wants to go out again.
He keeps calling me and e-mailing. | And I don't know what to do.
Okay. Well, blowing off | guys has its own language.
Now, for your first time I | recommend something basic like,
"I'm getting back together | with my ex-boyfriend."
I don't have an ex-boyfriend.
Okay. Not comfortable with the | lying. A lot of rookies aren't.
We'll go with plan B.
Oh, that won't work | because plan B involves him
getting beaten up by the ex-boyfriend.
You know what? | I'll just go out with him.
We'll get married. He's a man. | I'm a woman. He'll die first.
No, maybe we can get rid of him | without your actually talking to him.
What do you mean?
Which is the e-mail he sent you?
The one with subject line | "Up all night thinking of you."
Okay. And who's the dork | who keeps sending you spam?
Ah ! Alan3007.
Okay. Now it's Alan3007's problem.