AfterMASH (1983) s01e12 Episode Script

1
This program is a work of fiction.
Any resemblance to actual persons,
living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Oh,
that was a beautiful ride.
Set her right over there next to the rest
of them.
Good morning, Bob.
Oh, hi, Sarge.
Beautiful display, ain't it?
Looks like every merchant in town has
given us a Christmas tree this year.
Christmas?
Is it Christmas?
Yeah, tomorrow.
Holy ghost, I gotta get you something,
Sarge.
Want a hat?
You already did get me something, Bob.
Made me a belt with no holes.
Oh, then I guess you owe me a present.
What would you like?
A belt would be nice.
No problem.
I know somebody who makes them.
Anybody got a knife?
Will a scalpel cut it?
Thanks, Doc.
How do you like them, Doc?
It's Christmas, you know.
Goody.
Ah, the feel of that fresh pine hair in my
lung.
Just what a hospital needs, trees.
Many's a time I've been in OR and said,
gosh, I could use some shade in here.
It's canal, you old fox.
How you doing?
Happy holidays.
Hey, now I know it's the season if you're
checking in.
Eight straight Christmas.
How long you been coming in?
Coming back six, seven Christmases now.
Doctor, meet Mr. Barrett.
When you've been around as long as I have,
you know everybody.
I wish people smelled that good.
Telephone call for Father Mulcahy.
Eight years.
Sounds almost chronic.
Damn, Belcher, you can set your calendar
by it.
I wish I still had my stomach.
Mrs. Coleman, Merry Christmas.
Why, Mr. Barrett, we were wondering where
you were.
Let me take your bag.
How do you feel?
Oh, terrible.
Absolutely awful.
How's your boy Morris doing?
He graduates.
This spring.
Come on, we've been holding your favorite
bed.
There better be mints on his pillow or
we're not doing our job.
Mr. Casey, please call supply.
Sorry, I was removing mistletoe from the
confessional.
Some young couple must have had fun last
night.
I'll never do it again, Father.
Father Mulcahy here.
Yes?
Yes, wonderful.
You'll deliver it?
Oh, please be careful.
We don't want it broken.
Okay now, Zach.
I'll need something for Colonel Potter.
What's he look like?
Paint me a picture.
Well, he's just a little shorter than me,
about my shoulders, half my nose,
but then that's everybody.
Got just the thing.
Aftershave.
It's cool, it's refreshing.
I don't know.
75 cents.
Perfect.
Who else?
Keep them coming.
Mrs. Potter, the sweetest lady you've ever
seen.
Say no more.
Aftershave?
It's cool, it's refreshing.
Zach, did I mention Mrs. P was a lady?
Listen, they slap a different label on it.
They call it expensive perfume and charge
you a buck nineteen.
Really?
If I can't tell the difference, so.
Good morning, Mr. Wheat.
Got your sin-sin right here, Miss Cox.
Thank you.
The world would be a better place if more
people sucked on these.
Merry Christmas, Miss Cox.
Mr. Klinger, shouldn't you be loitering in
your office instead of loitering in here?
Miss Cox, what do you say we have a
Christmas truce?
Come on, I'll even get you a little present.
Aftershave.
It's cool, it's refreshing.
There's only one.
The present I want from you, Mr. Klinger,
to catch you red-handed violating hospital
policy and to hope there's a major blizzard
on the day you're thrown out into the street.
That's my idea of a white Christmas.
That's one mean-looking woman.
Here we go, Christmas gifts from the Legion,
the VFW, and the good folks at River Bend.
Guys, I don't know how to tell you this, but we
gave all the fruitcakes out on the second floor.
Oh, I love you, Beth.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Guess who?
My late husband.
Yes, again.
Barry, how you doing, kid?
Great, just great.
Except for your own, sir.
Packed it up right on schedule.
Oh, good, good.
Well, I got you a special present this
year.
That bowling ball you wanted.
Wow, say, do you want to go for the whole
cart?
Hello, Gene.
Whatever it is, I either did it,
I can't get to it, or it wasn't my fault.
No, no, no, I want to give you a little
something.
It's either aftershave for you or perfume
for your gal.
Father, these gifts are for the patients.
No, I bought this one personally for you.
You residents seem to be the forgotten
ones this time of year.
Thanks, Father, but I don't accept gifts.
No big deal, it's just my Christmas policy.
It's better to give than to receive, and since
I can't afford to do one, I don't do the other.
Well, I don't expect anything.
Anything in return?
No one ever does.
Back in Muncie at Christmas, the Pfeiffers
were everybody's good deed.
Don't get me wrong, I needed
a sweater during the winter,
but taking all the time gets
to be tiresome, so I stopped.
Gene, it's only a lousy bottle of
aftershave, 75 cents.
It's the thought that counts.
Reverend Foley, call extension.
And so on this holiday of holidays,
please be assured that I appreciate our
relationship and hope it will continue far
into the future.
Signed, your loving son, M.D.
M .D.
Angelo, enclosed dried fruit.
Busy season, Mr. D.
There's just not enough of you to go
around.
I've got the lions at two, the oaks at
four, and the moose at five.
You're a busy bunny, sir.
You live by the fork, you die by the fork.
One more item you can add to your list.
Six bells, eggnog, and the request of your
presence in this office.
We're going to share a little holiday
cheer.
We, sir?
It's the least I can do, and that's why
I'm doing it.
You don't have any other plans, do you?
What plans could I possibly have on
Christmas Eve?
Then it's a date.
Get out your pen and pencil yourself in.
Thank you, Mr. D.
Alma, you won't forget that
end-of-the-year accounting report must be
signed and sent off to Washington by the
end of the calendar day.
Pretty nice, huh, Doc?
I put this on, looks like I have shoulders.
Must be hard to shop for.
After eight Christmases here, you gotta
have everything.
Styles change.
I hope you haven't eaten any free meals
today.
I got your upper GI scheduled for later.
Doc, could you maybe put it off till the
26th?
The boys and I want a little caroling later.
My stomach will keep.
Despite it cutting into your social
calendar, no.
Who knows, with a little luck, we
could have you out of here by Christmas.
Doc, I ain't hurting nobody being here.
I got no family.
I just want to be someplace for the
holidays.
If it's any consolation, I do have an ulcer.
I think my fault it ain't hurting right now.
Look, Mr. Barrett, I know everybody around
here thinks you're a real nice guy.
But for me, I I haven't got much use for
someone who goes out of his way to be a charity case.
Do I have to say testing?
Not anymore.
You sound like Dennis Day.
Attention, everyone who's listening.
This is Father Mulcahy inviting you to the day room
tonight at 8 O'clock for a special Christmas surprise.
Be advised, this is not a cheap ploy to
lure you to another service.
However, tonight's midnight mass should be
a corker.
This is Father Mulcahy saying toodaloo to
you, you, and especially to you.
Merry Christmas, Gladys.
I have a little present for you.
This is kimchi, a Korean treat.
What's that?
Pickled cabbage.
Oh, that is delicious.
It should.
It's been buried in the ground for four
months.
Well, thank you.
I hope you get what you want this year,
too.
I got what I want.
To be in this country with the man I love.
There he is now.
Holy Toledo.
I was never here.
Dr. Kramer, OR.
Dr. Kramer, my wife.
You're not touching me until I talk to my
wife.
What's going on here?
High fever and he has swollen glands.
Looks like acute tonsillitis.
Get a throat culture and a blood count.
I said I want my wife.
Screaming ain't gonna soothe your pipes or
your temperature.
Just give the nurse your number.
She's not there.
We already called.
Why isn't she home?
Where could she be?
Last minute shopping, maybe.
I hate Christmas.
Watch it there, son.
You're talking to a man who still believes
in flying reindeer.
Well?
Yep.
Honest?
Would I lie to a pregnant woman?
Oh, this is so wonderful.
Thank you for everything and for keeping
it a secret.
Oh, what a wonderful Christmas present for
Max.
Well, it's one he sure can't return.
It wouldn't bother me if this became a
Yuletide tradition.
Colonel, when I do have the baby,
I want you to have it with me.
Oh, I don't know, Soon-Lee.
It's been a while since I performed any
stork duty.
Oh, please, Colonel, I trust you.
Well, this is kind of special.
And Lord knows the past couple of years
I've seen enough lives end.
I guess I owe myself a beginning.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I'm so happy.
A baby, an American baby.
I can't wait to tell Max, but first I have
to throw up.
Officer Flannery, I'm Father Mulcahy.
I was asked to call your house.
My wife's still not there, right?
No, I'm afraid not.
I talked to your daughter, who said she's
out shopping with her Uncle Fred.
She doesn't have an Uncle Fred.
Maybe I misunderstood.
Ned, then.
Ted.
Ralph.
I don't hear that well with this ear.
I'm sure there's an explanation,
which is harmless, if not innocuous.
Tis the season, you know.
Yeah, to be jolly.
Well, just take it easy.
Easy?
I'm sure there's a way to work this out.
To you, Mr. D., if I may say it, my rock.
You may.
And now I want to propose a toast.
Oh, sir.
To Larry and Mary's Dairy for supplying
this delicious holiday eggnog.
To Larry and Mary.
Ooh, tangy.
What are they feeding those cows?
Keep an eye on me, sir.
I wouldn't want to do anything I'd be
sorry for tomorrow.
Or sooner.
Are you sure?
Well, rules are made to be broken.
Mike?
Good evening.
Ah, Colonel and Mrs. P. Now the fun
begins.
Belly up to the nog.
Alma, you want to get them some?
We can't stay too long, Mike.
Mildred and I usually like to be in bed by
7 O'clock on Christmas Eve.
Sure.
Oh.
Oh, what the hay.
Make it 7.30 tonight.
You're showing me spirit, Colonel.
It's infectious.
Sherman, look.
Here's Mr. D'Angelo standing next to Harry
Truman.
Yes, brought together through the miracle
of scotch tape.
We're in a very good sport about this, sir.
But I think it's so rude for people to
barge in here like this uninvited.
Who uninvited them?
I asked the whole upper Echelon to drop
by, better halves included.
I just thought we were going to be alone.
Good God, why?
Why?
All right, honey, I'm coming home.
I'm going to get dressed and be there in
about an hour.
If your mommy gets there before me,
with Uncle Fred, don't tell him I'm coming.
I want to surprise him.
Max!
Hi, honey, just wrapping it up for the day.
Give me a minute and we'll head upstairs
to D'Angelo's bash.
Do we really have to go to this party?
You bet, there's lots of food.
Keep your purse open.
Okay, but first I want to give you a
Christmas present.
Now?
Yeah, it's really for both of us.
Close your eyes.
Okay, open.
I don't get it, where is it?
Right here.
The dress?
Honey, that's very nice, but I gave him
up.
Inside.
Inside what?
We're going to have a baby, you melon head.
We are?
You and me?
Me and you?
You?
The two of us?
That's how we do it in Korea.
Oh, this is fantastic.
A baby, a little me.
Are you sure?
Colonel Potter said I'm not alone in
there.
Oh, Soon-Lee, what a present.
I love you.
Me too, so much.
Oh, and I just got you shower clogs.
Wait, go ahead.
There's a lot more over here.
How are you?
I couldn't help but notice you've been
really hitting that pasteurized joy juice.
I take it your accounting report's finished.
It's being typed up now, and I'll sign it
before I leave.
Speaking of leaving, do you think you
could give Dr. Lewis a lift home to Hannibal?
Footnote, he's not married.
Both his eyes are on the same side of his
nose.
Picky.
Give me an eggnog, Bonnie.
Don't you already have one?
I'm holding this for someone else.
Have you seen Mr. Klinger?
I haven't wished him a Merry Christmas.
No, I have not seen Mr. Klinger.
And if there's one blessing to this
evening, that is it.
Miss Cox, are you all right?
Why do you ask?
Well, you just don't seem your usual
happy-go-lucky self.
Perhaps I am a bit down.
Dump-wise.
Why, Miss Cox?
Why?
Why?
The world licks ashtrays, that's why.
The more I get the blues, I give myself a
treat.
I do something I really like, and golly,
if I don't feel better right away.
Oh, there's Mr. Klinger now.
Bonnie, you're right.
I think I'll give myself a treat.
Do you mind?
This is not the Orient.
Hey, everyone, guess what?
Me and Soon-Lee
You're gonna be a father.
I mean, I'm gonna be a father.
That means we both are.
Right, we're having a kid.
Oh, thank you, Miss Sweetie.
Oh, thank you.
That's very sweet of you.
Thank you.
Congratulations, son.
Have you told your folks?
I'll call them in a few minutes.
First family first.
Sir, I couldn't have done it without you.
Oh, I think you could have.
I think you did.
Dear, this will be the most
wonderful time of your life, and
you won't believe what's
going to happen to your breasts.
You folks have done so much for us,
Colonel.
You've been like a father to me.
Even when I was like a daughter to you.
Oh, I didn't do anything.
Are you kidding?
You gave me a job here instead of one in
Ohio making license plates.
And you kept him out of jail, too.
And most important, you've given Soon-Lee
and me a place where we feel we belong.
I guess we should be proud to know us,
Mother.
Colonel, believe it or not, I've got one
more favor I have to ask you.
Well, he certainly butted off.
Sir, we'd like you and Mrs. Potter to be
our baby's godparents.
What do you say?
Well, if I can speak for Mildred.
You can if you say yes.
We'd be honored.
I know you're all sitting there
thinking, what the heck did
this college jockey ask us
up here for on Christmas Eve?
Well, rest assured, you won't be
disappointed.
On behalf of the fine folks at
Stolmaster's Emporium, conveniently
located at River Bend's traffic light,
General Pershing Hospital has received
this brand new 12-inch Muntz television
set.
Yes, we're indeed fortunate to have this
modern means of enriching our lives and
broadening our worldview, bringing virtually the entire
universe of wisdom and knowledge to our doorstep.
Hey, hey, it's midget wrestling tonight at
the St. Louis Armory, where Little Beaver
takes on Captain No-Neck, followed at 10
by Duckpin Bowling.
What say we try another challenge?
Oh, Philip, first you must understand that
I love you.
I love you very much.
Don't think I could live without that,
Marco.
Boy, this sure beats being at home.
Of course you could.
Hey, everybody.
No.
They say Father Mulcahy's got TV.
No, Bob, that's TV.
You're making it very difficult for me.
Oh, that's a totally different matter.
What's TV?
Oh, this, television.
I love you.
Oh, television.
I love you.
How about that?
Heard of it, never saw one.
Can't you be at peace doing that?
How'd they find people that small?
Love is small.
But love is honesty.
Honesty, too.
Oh, God, I could just sit here and watch
this thing forever.
Margot, you're my wife.
What else is on?
All right.
You have a right to know.
Then there is someone else.
Please, Philip.
I must know.
I must know how you feel.
I can't.
I wonder how Captain Nomek is doing.
If you love me, you will.
I'm seeing Roger.
I'm seeing Roger.
I love him.
I knew it.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
You ain't seeing anybody, you old tramp.
There's nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Well, the rumor going around is that
television has never lasted.
And it falls with boughs of Holly,
fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
Tis the season to be jolly,
fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
Gone we now are gay and feral,
fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
Snap inspection, Mr. Klinger.
Present file.
Five descriptions.
Six discrepancies.
That's all I need.
And you and your lovely little missus will
both be out in your ears.
Lab technician on duty, call extension 12.
Lab technician, call extension 12.
Damn, it's all up there.
Here, Doc, from me to you.
Actually, from the gray ladies to me to
you, but I want you to have it.
I don't give presents, I don't take them.
Sugar cookies.
With a little red Jimmy Sprinkles.
With a little red Jimmy Sprinkles on?
Yep.
I don't like them.
Somebody help, he just keeled over.
Cardiac arrest.
Nurse!
Nothing.
I'm gonna open him up.
Get an ambu bag and O2.
I can help you with him, Doc.
Huh?
I was a medic.
Let's go.
All right, keep his airway open.
Yeah.
Get a gurney in there, fast.
Got it.
I know.
Once I get in there, check the carotid
pulse.
Yeah.
What's wrong?
Oh, it's my ulcer.
I got it doing this kind of thing.
It probably thinks the war's on again.
Don't worry.
It's nothing.
Check the pulse again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There it is.
There it is.
Okay.
Got it.
Let's get him to order.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's go.
Hurry.
Come on.
Watch this.
Okay.
Okay.
What?
It's not a bad present you gave him, Doc.
Huh?
Life.
Well, you helped.
Yeah.
See you later, Doc.
I don't eat my cookies.
Gladys?
Get me Toledo, Ohio.
Mr. Jamil Klinger.
Person to person.
Twinbrook, 4837.
Okay, ring me back.
And hurry.
I'm having a baby.
Miss Cox, my God.
You all right?
Phew.
You're fine.
What are you doing here?
What else would you be doing here?
Looking to get the goods on me again on
this night of nights, on the Eve of my
parenthood trying to take the food out of
my soon-to-be family's mouth.
I gotta tell you, Miss Cox, face to face,
you're the worst.
You're the lowest.
A worm snack.
You're camel spit.
Hold that thought.
Mr. Klinger, did you see Miss Cox?
Nurse Coleman said she came down this way.
Miss Cox?
You bet I seen Miss Cox.
Why?
Why?
She forgot to sign the year-end accounting
report that has to go out tonight.
If these aren't signed, Mr. D'Angelo will
have a fit.
She'd really get in trouble, huh?
I don't even want to think about it.
I'll see she gets him.
You go back and enjoy the party.
You sure?
Positive.
Thanks.
And one more thing.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Klinger.
And congratulations on your baby.
And if I don't see you on
New Year's You'll see me.
You'll see me.
Miss Cox, it's the year-end accounting
report.
Better sign it.
Nobody should get into trouble.
Possibly even fired on Christmas Eve.
Nobody.
Alma Cox.
Alma Cox.
I hope you don't catch me forging your
name.
You'd have your grounds to fire me.
Excuse me.
Hello?
Hello, Pop?
It's Max.
Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too.
Are you sitting down?
Is Mom somewhere she can faint?
Are you ready?
We're gonna have a baby.
That's right.
You're gonna be a grandpa.
And a grandma.
Yeah!
Yeah!
It just happened.
Yeah, yeah, I'm crazy about her.
So, look, give my best to everybody.
I gotta go.
I wanna get back to her right away.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,
dressed in holiday style.
In the air, there's a feeling of Christmas.
Children laughing, people passing,
meetings smile after smile.
And on every street corner, you hear
Way to go!
You did it, you big mink!
Now we're all fathers.
Eggnog?
Eggnog?
Buttermilk.
A toast.
To family.
To home.
To life.
It's Christmas Day once again.
On Emerald Point tonight, Hillary makes a play
for Glenn, and Harlan's blackmailer meets his fate.
But first, Kirk launches a singles club, and a
beautiful brunette sends him out of his mind.
On New Heart.
Next.