Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e12 Episode Script
Everybody Still Hates White Savior
1
[record scratching]
[hip-hop music]
CHRIS [voiceover]: When I was
a kid, everyone wanted to be like Mike.
Even though we couldn't hold
Michael Jordan's jockstrap,
we could wear his shoes.
Is this the line
to buy Jordans?
Nope.
Finally,
my very own pair of--
Damn it.
[dreamy music]
[grunts]
[lights switching off]
ANNOUNCER: From Bed-Stuy,
a very small forward, Chris!
[kisses]
[crowd exclaiming]
He just got the new Jordans.
[grumbles]
[dribbling]
[grunting]
[wailing]
[dramatic music]
[shattering]
GIRL: Oh, my gosh!
Can I get your autograph?
Can I get your number?
How did you do that?
It's gotta be the shoes.
♪
$100?
Trust me,
they're worth every--
That's why I bought an extra--
Damn it.
Kill Moves,
you only took one shoe!
Yeah.
One wife is all I need.
[hip-hop music]
CHRIS [voiceover]:
My father worked hard for his money,
and my mother worked harder
spending it.
So I needed a genius plan
to get 100 bucks.
[clears throat]
Father, can I get an allowance?
We allow you to live here
for no rent.
That's your allowance.
Can I earn some extra money
doing chores around the house?
You already do chores
for free.
Just for asking that, you get
double chores for double free.
CHRIS [voiceover]:
Luckily, I had a plan B.
I need cash.
Please, Daddy, please.
Boy, quit begging me
for money.
You're better than that.
No, I'm not.
I'll do anything.
I'll eat less food.
I'll drink less water.
I'll breathe less air.
[holds breath] Mm?
Chris, we're not gonna
starve,
dehydrate, and suffocate you.
Well, let's hear him out.
How much you need anyway?
[exhales]
[panting] Uh
just $100.
[sputtering]
Why do you need $100?
[gasps] Is it drugs?
No, it's for--
A nose job!
No, the new Jordans.
I need them.
[scoffs]
Nobody needs $100 shoes.
Do you know what
we could buy with $100?
Air conditioner,
microwave, dishwasher
[upbeat music]
$100 gift certificate
to JCPenney,
$100 gift certificate
to TJ Maxx,
$100 gift certificate
to the gift certificate store.
The point is,
no one in this family
is spending $100 on sneakers.
[sighs]
Can I get a pink phone for my room?
Sure, honey.
Oh, come on!
Tonya always gets
whatever she wants.
[scoffs] Like what?
Rollerblades.
Her pet cockatiel, Squawky.
[squawking]
The pipe organ
from that old cathedral.
[dramatic organ music playing]
I said no.
End of discussion.
[sad organ music playing]
♪
You know, Chris has a point.
You--you want me
to buy him $100 shoes?
No, but you give Tonya
whatever she wants.
'Cause she's my sweet,
perfect angel
who can do no wrong!
Of course I'm gonna pamper
my baby girl.
That's how fathers are.
CHRIS [voiceover]: He's right.
I just bought my daughter
a date with Timothée Chalamet.
How do you think Chris feels
when you treat Tonya
differently?
I don't care how he feels.
I'm trying to keep him
from being a bum.
That's how it is for men.
OK, honey.
CHRIS [voiceover]: Let's see
so you can see
what she really said.
That's how it is for men.
OK, honey.
I'mma let you be wrong,
'cause I'm sleepy.
[hip-hop music]
Nice shoes,
Kareem Abdul-Ja-Barf.
[grunts] Hey!
Caruso's right, Chris.
Your shoes do suck.
Man. [sighs]
I've gotta get Jordans.
With what?
Your welfare check?
Chris isn't on welfare.
His dad has two jobs
and barely makes more
than if he was on welfare.
Thanks, Greg.
[scoffs]
You can't even afford underwear
that isn't ripped.
My underwear is not--
[yelps]
[laughter]
When he gets Jordans,
he's gonna dunk on you so hard.
Oh, yeah?
I'm gonna dunk these so hard.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!
[splashing]
Looks like someone
forgot to flush.
Who had carrots last night?
[dramatic music]
[grunts]
[laughs]
Nice punch, Muhammad Ugly.
[grunts]
Principal's office, now!
It was me.
I had carrots last night.
Well, it's obvious
who's to blame here--
rap music.
Which emcees have you
been jiving to?
Kool Moe Dee?
Grandmister Flash?
[gasps] Nwa?
It's N-W-A. Can I go?
Yes, but I'll see you
in detention--
and probably juvenile detention
if you don't start grooving
to some better choices.
[gasps] Wait, Chris.
Where are your shoes?
I tried to tell you--
You don't have shoes
because your family can't
afford basic necessities.
I want to buy you
some new kicks.
Go on, get to steppin'.
Actually,
the shoes I need are $100.
A Benjamin?
I know it's a lot.
It's just
[somber music playing]
They're the only kind of shoes
that fit Black feet properly.
I never knew
Black people had it so hard.
What you need is an
inspirational white mentor,
like Goldie Hawn in Wildcats,
Jon Voight in Conrack,
Jim Belushi in The Principal.
Yep, thanks.
No, thank you!
It feels so good to help
at-risk inner city youths.
CHRIS [voiceover]: Like Michelle
Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds,
Sean Connery
in Finding Forrester,
Hilary Swank
in Freedom Writers.
Guess what I'm wearing.
Uh, no.
The new Jordans!
I finally got what I wanted.
Now I know how it feels
to be punk-ass Tonya.
You're gonna be so popular,
like Michael Jordan,
which means I'll be
your Scootie Pappen.
CHRIS [voiceover]: Greg didn't
know a lot about basketball.
No one's gonna
mess with me now,
unless my dad finds out
I have these.
JULIUS: Chris, I need the phone.
Uh, just a second!
[thwack]
Ah!
Drew, what are you
doing here?
Uh, I've been here
the whole time.
I was under the bed pretending
I was in a spaceship.
Please don't say
anything to Dad.
Chris, you know
I'm a bad liar.
What are you two doing?
Not hiding anything.
W--why would we?
Here's the phone. Bye!
GREG: I can't wait to see
your new Jor-- [hanging up]
CHRIS: The next day, I hid
the Jordans in my backpack.
All I had to do was get
out of the house without--
Chris is hiding Jordans
in his backpack.
You bought Jordans?
- What?
- How?
CHRIS: Now I know how it feels
to be punk-ass Tonya.
Who's the punk ass now?
Where'd you get $100?
[gasps] From dealing drugs?
I don't care
how you got the money.
You're returning those shoes.
But, Dad,
this is the first time
I've ever gotten
something I wanted.
Oh, what about Christmas?
I wanted a Starter jacket.
You got me a Benchwarmer coat.
'Cause it's warmer!
It's right there in the name!
Dad, please.
Tonya got a new phone.
That's different.
She needed it.
She only needed it
to eavesdrop on me.
Why aren't you punishing her?
'Cause unlike you,
I'd never lie to Daddy.
Me also.
The same.
Well, you better get going.
You're gonna be
late for school.
Return those shoes
on your way.
No, I'm keeping them.
[all gasping]
If you won't return them,
I will.
But those are my shoes
that I bought with my money.
This is my house
that I bought with my money.
And you're my son
that I made with my--
never mind!
The point is, I make the rules.
And if you don't like it,
you can move out.
You know what?
I don't like it,
so I will move out.
[gasps]
Oh.
[laughs] Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Damn it.
[relaxed music]
You went too far, Julius.
He'll come back.
What if he doesn't?
You're gambling
with our son's life!
He's only been gone
30 seconds!
This is an opportunity
to teach Chris a lesson.
What lesson?
How to sleep on a bus bench?
How to light a crack pipe?
He'll learn
that life is hard,
and no one's gonna
give him anything.
CHRIS [voiceover]: Except a
gullible white woman!
And he'll learn to appreciate
everything we give him.
He earned those shoes
for himself.
Why can't he keep them?
I can't back down.
Then Chris wins--
I--I mean, doesn't
learn anything.
The only thing
he'll learn from you is
how to be a stubborn-ass man.
I'm late for work.
I'm worried, Julius.
I'm not.
Chris will be home
before dinner.
Trust me.
Fine, I trust you.
If my son dies out there,
you'll die in here.
[hip-hop music]
Are you really gonna leave
over a pair of shoes?
It's more than
just the Jordans.
Dad doesn't care about me.
He's probably happy I'm gone.
So where are you gonna go?
I've got tons of options.
Please!
- You're my only option.
- Sorry.
I'm not allowed
to have sleepovers,
except with people
my dad really trusts,
like Father O'Malley
and Scoutmaster Rick.
What am I gonna do?
If I go home, my dad wins.
Chris, where are
your new sneaks?
My dad took them
and kicked me out of the house.
I guess that means
I'm homeless.
[gasps]
I knew you were Black,
but I had no idea
you were this Black.
CHRIS [voiceover]:
I knew you were that racist!
So can I have some money?
Money isn't the answer,
Chris.
No, it is.
What is it you really want?
Maybe a nose job.
All I want is a pair of
Jordans and a Starter jacket.
[gasps] Because you've
never owned a coat,
you need a starter jacket
to learn how to wear one.
Oh, Chris!
Come shopping with me
after school, OK?
I'll buy you whatever you want.
Yes!
I mean
thank you.
[hip-hop music]
[gasps] Where's Chris?
In jail? Dead?
Was it drugs?
Mom, he's fine.
Oh, thank God!
Where is he?
He's with Principal Morello.
That crazy-ass white lady?
Why?
I don't know.
Don't tell your father.
You want me to lie?
I'm gonna make him sweat.
[hip-hop music]
Chris, um, why do you need
a gold chain?
CHRIS [voiceover]: I knew
scamming her was wrong, but
It just reminds me
of my sister.
I still can't believe
she got run over by a bus.
[gasps]
Was this before or after
your brother went to jail?
The same day.
He was driving the bus.
Oh, Chris.
To go through that while
your father's a crack addict
and your mother's
a crack dealer?
[sighs]
At least I have
a principal I can count on.
I'll take the gold chain.
CHRIS [voiceover]: I loved
having a white savior.
Back then, I didn't know
it was a bad thing.
The only white savior I ever
heard of was Larry Bird.
OK.
Uh, I'm gonna go now.
Where? To a youth shelter?
Chris, no.
What you need is a hot meal
with a side order of love.
Like at Red Lobster?
You're coming home with me.
[gulps] Uh
[hip-hop music]
CHRIS [voiceover]: While I was
having a pity party,
Tonya was having
a regular one.
I wish she had been
run over by a bus.
What's all this?
Wait, Chris isn't back yet?
I don't know what place
Chris is at currently.
Time for dinner.
Tonya, get down
and set the table.
Drew, pour drinks.
We're all gonna have
more chores to do
now that Chris lives
under a bridge somewhere.
He'll be back before--
Dinner!
[soft music]
MRS. MORELLO: I hope you
like soul food.
I made chicken a la Dr. King,
macaroni and butter,
and creamed cauliflower.
It looks so
White?
Sorry, I was out
of Black-guy peas.
You mean black-eyed peas?
Oops, I almost
forgot seasoning.
[sighs]
ROCHELLE:
Chris, pass the greens.
Oh, right.
He's a teenage runaway.
Daddy, now that
Chris is gone forever,
can I have all his
earthly possessions?
He's not gone!
He didn't leave school
with anyone?
Chris?
No, not any human person.
ROCHELLE: Speaking of living
on the street,
I saw Kill Moves today.
Did you know his father
kicked him out too?
And he turned out fine.
I said Kill Moves
turned out fine!
Oh, Kill Moves!
What are you doing here?
Has anybody seen
my wife, Jordana?
Oh, look at that.
I was wearing her
the whole time.
[sighs]
♪
A lot of Kevin Eubanks.
I used to listen to him
with my husband, Jerry--
well, ex-husband.
[sighs]
I'm still getting used to that.
I always thought
he'd come back,
and we'd start
a family together.
But it's OK.
I have my students.
[sobbing]
What do I do, Chris?
How do I get a man to stay?
CHRIS [voiceover]:
Not like this.
I should go home.
No, you can't!
It's not safe for you there.
I'll be fine.
But you're exactly
what I need--
a Black man who suddenly
appears in my life
to help me solve
all my problems,
like Sidney Poitier
in Lilies of the Field,
Clarence Muse
in The Black S--
I miss my family!
[sighs] Fine.
But I can't let you go
until I talk to your mother.
CHRIS [voiceover]: I was about
to get busted for lying to my white savior,
but at least
I wouldn't have to be
her magical Negro anymore,
like Michael Clark Duncan
in The Green Mile
or Morgan Freeman
in every movie he's done.
Are you worried about Chris?
Nope.
[phone ringing]
That might be him.
[phone ringing]
He might be in trouble.
[phone ringing]
You sure you don't want
to get that?
[phone ringing]
I'm sure.
TONYA: Ugh, is someone gonna
answer the phone?
[phone ringing]
What?
Uh, this is Vivian Morello.
Your son Chris is here
at my apartment.
He wants to come home,
but I need to know
he'll be safe.
[clears throat]
Nope, we don't want Chris
anymore!
You can keep him!
[cockatiel chirps]
What's wrong?
Your family doesn't
want you anymore.
What?
It's OK, Chris.
Now I know what
you really need--
to be raised in a caring,
nurturing white household,
like Emmanuel Lewis
in Webster,
Gary Coleman
in Diff'rent Strokes.
What you talkin' about,
Principal Morello?
I want to adopt you, Chris.
Let me be your white mommy.
♪
[hip-hop music]
Julius, what are you
thinking about?
Uh
What's wrong with you?
My dad kicked me out.
He didn't want me to be a bum.
You need this more than I do.
[sighs]
REPORTER [on TV]: We're live in
a neighborhood
called Bedford-Stuyvesant,
where crime is rampant,
according to the one white man
I interviewed.
But thankfully,
police statistics show
that most of the victims
are actually Black.
What?
They're usually teenagers
who live on the street,
feeble ones with a big nose,
buck teeth, and--
Ah!
Julius?
You OK?
I'm worried about Chris.
What?
You are?
You were right, Rochelle.
I went too far.
Go on.
I was being stubborn,
and I should have
let you handle it.
Well, I'm glad we agree.
And don't worry.
He's safe
at Principal Morello's.
Oh, thank God!
[gasps]
You knew where he was
the whole time?
Me? No. [chuckles]
You can stop now, Drew.
Oh, my God.
Of course I knew
where he was.
I'm in total control
of the situation.
Principal Morello?
This is Chris's mother.
I'm coming to pick him up.
I'm sorry, but Chris ran off.
He what?
I tried to stop him,
but he was too fast
in his Air Michael Jordans.
Apparently,
victims of street crime
are being targeted
for one thing--
Air Michael Jordans.
Up next, I try to do
Jazzercise without farting.
[laughs]
Oh, it doesn't go well.
I'm sorry!
I wasn't in control!
It's my fault!
I was too hard on Chris!
I lied to everyone!
And the worst part is,
I was so good at it!
[groans]
Chris!
You came home!
I had nowhere else to go.
And I know you don't
want me anymore, but--
What?
Of course we want you!
CHRIS [voiceover]: At that
moment, I realized I was wrong about my dad.
He did care about me,
and so did my mom.
Boy, I should whoop your ass
for scaring us like that!
I love you and I'm glad
you are safe.
But on the phone, you said
Principal Morello
could keep me.
I would never say that.
Then who did?
Um, it--it was Chris!
He impersonated me
impersonating Mama.
Chris wasn't even here.
Hmph. Yeah, Tonya.
You're a bad liar.
Fine, it was me.
My sweet, perfect angel
did something wrong?
Yes! Finally!
You are so busted.
[tires skidding]
Oh, no.
Get away from my Black son.
Excuse me?
Are you high right now?
Are you?
I get why you came home.
You don't know
anything different.
But Mommy's here to save you.
Excuse me?
With parents like you,
it's no wonder
Chris's brother is in jail.
Wait, I am?
Drew, you and Chris
are related?
But you're so--and he's so--
Look, it can't be easy
to see your only daughter
get run over by a bus.
What?
Who told you I got--
Fine!
None of that stuff
about my family was true.
[gasps]
Why would you lie to me?
So you'd feel bad for me
and buy me Jordans
and a Starter jacket
and ripped jeans
and a gold chain
and another pair of Jordans.
Oh!
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Where are your new clothes?
I got robbed.
Did you fight back?
I tried,
but the guy was huge.
[hip-hop music]
Give me the Jordans!
They won't even fit you.
I'll grow into them.
♪
Ooh, is that
a Starter jacket?
♪
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I didn't need that stuff.
I have everything I need
right here.
[sniffles, sobs]
Are you OK?
Yeah, Chris will pay
you back for the clothes.
I would never take
your money.
You'll need it for bail.
And I'm more than OK.
[sobbing]
CHRIS [voiceover]: Then why you
blowing snot bubbles like Viola Davis?
[blows nose]
I didn't just help
one troubled urban teen--
I saved an entire
dysfunctional Black family!
Who you calling
dysfunctional?
You forgot to put
your car in park.
[gasps]
You're welcome, all of you!
[horns honking]
[scoffs] Upstairs, now.
I'm so happy
you're back, Chris.
Yeah, me too.
Wow.
Thanks, Tonya.
Hey, at least I noticed
you were gone.
[sighs] What are we gonna do
with these lying-ass kids?
[sighs] All I know is
you should handle it this time.
Actually, I think you should.
It really scared me
when you kicked Chris out.
But in the end, you were right.
He learned to appreciate
everything we give him.
I trust you, Julius, completely.
You better not pull
this again!
[tires skidding]
Check out my new ride!
Wait!
I need you to drive me around
and share your wisdom with me!
Chris,
you're grounded for a month.
Yeah, I figured.
Tonya, you too.
[gasps] What? But Daddy--
From now on, everybody
will be treated equally.
Then Drew should be
grounded too.
He was lying the whole time.
Don't you dare punish Drew.
He's my special, perfect baby.
I thought you trusted me
completely.
I do.
I don't.
Daddy, can I at least
keep my princess phone?
Sure, honey.
And you can keep these.
[gasps] Really?
You can have
whatever you want
if you scam
a white lady for it.
[all gasping]
[dramatic music]
[chiming]
Chris has the new Jordans!
I'm his Skeeter Poppins!
Oh!
[dribbling]
♪
[muffled speech]
Oh!
[laughter]
Huh.
I guess it wasn't the shoes.
SINGERS: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
[groans]
[hip-hop music]
♪
MTV ♪
[record scratching]
[hip-hop music]
CHRIS [voiceover]: When I was
a kid, everyone wanted to be like Mike.
Even though we couldn't hold
Michael Jordan's jockstrap,
we could wear his shoes.
Is this the line
to buy Jordans?
Nope.
Finally,
my very own pair of--
Damn it.
[dreamy music]
[grunts]
[lights switching off]
ANNOUNCER: From Bed-Stuy,
a very small forward, Chris!
[kisses]
[crowd exclaiming]
He just got the new Jordans.
[grumbles]
[dribbling]
[grunting]
[wailing]
[dramatic music]
[shattering]
GIRL: Oh, my gosh!
Can I get your autograph?
Can I get your number?
How did you do that?
It's gotta be the shoes.
♪
$100?
Trust me,
they're worth every--
That's why I bought an extra--
Damn it.
Kill Moves,
you only took one shoe!
Yeah.
One wife is all I need.
[hip-hop music]
CHRIS [voiceover]:
My father worked hard for his money,
and my mother worked harder
spending it.
So I needed a genius plan
to get 100 bucks.
[clears throat]
Father, can I get an allowance?
We allow you to live here
for no rent.
That's your allowance.
Can I earn some extra money
doing chores around the house?
You already do chores
for free.
Just for asking that, you get
double chores for double free.
CHRIS [voiceover]:
Luckily, I had a plan B.
I need cash.
Please, Daddy, please.
Boy, quit begging me
for money.
You're better than that.
No, I'm not.
I'll do anything.
I'll eat less food.
I'll drink less water.
I'll breathe less air.
[holds breath] Mm?
Chris, we're not gonna
starve,
dehydrate, and suffocate you.
Well, let's hear him out.
How much you need anyway?
[exhales]
[panting] Uh
just $100.
[sputtering]
Why do you need $100?
[gasps] Is it drugs?
No, it's for--
A nose job!
No, the new Jordans.
I need them.
[scoffs]
Nobody needs $100 shoes.
Do you know what
we could buy with $100?
Air conditioner,
microwave, dishwasher
[upbeat music]
$100 gift certificate
to JCPenney,
$100 gift certificate
to TJ Maxx,
$100 gift certificate
to the gift certificate store.
The point is,
no one in this family
is spending $100 on sneakers.
[sighs]
Can I get a pink phone for my room?
Sure, honey.
Oh, come on!
Tonya always gets
whatever she wants.
[scoffs] Like what?
Rollerblades.
Her pet cockatiel, Squawky.
[squawking]
The pipe organ
from that old cathedral.
[dramatic organ music playing]
I said no.
End of discussion.
[sad organ music playing]
♪
You know, Chris has a point.
You--you want me
to buy him $100 shoes?
No, but you give Tonya
whatever she wants.
'Cause she's my sweet,
perfect angel
who can do no wrong!
Of course I'm gonna pamper
my baby girl.
That's how fathers are.
CHRIS [voiceover]: He's right.
I just bought my daughter
a date with Timothée Chalamet.
How do you think Chris feels
when you treat Tonya
differently?
I don't care how he feels.
I'm trying to keep him
from being a bum.
That's how it is for men.
OK, honey.
CHRIS [voiceover]: Let's see
so you can see
what she really said.
That's how it is for men.
OK, honey.
I'mma let you be wrong,
'cause I'm sleepy.
[hip-hop music]
Nice shoes,
Kareem Abdul-Ja-Barf.
[grunts] Hey!
Caruso's right, Chris.
Your shoes do suck.
Man. [sighs]
I've gotta get Jordans.
With what?
Your welfare check?
Chris isn't on welfare.
His dad has two jobs
and barely makes more
than if he was on welfare.
Thanks, Greg.
[scoffs]
You can't even afford underwear
that isn't ripped.
My underwear is not--
[yelps]
[laughter]
When he gets Jordans,
he's gonna dunk on you so hard.
Oh, yeah?
I'm gonna dunk these so hard.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!
[splashing]
Looks like someone
forgot to flush.
Who had carrots last night?
[dramatic music]
[grunts]
[laughs]
Nice punch, Muhammad Ugly.
[grunts]
Principal's office, now!
It was me.
I had carrots last night.
Well, it's obvious
who's to blame here--
rap music.
Which emcees have you
been jiving to?
Kool Moe Dee?
Grandmister Flash?
[gasps] Nwa?
It's N-W-A. Can I go?
Yes, but I'll see you
in detention--
and probably juvenile detention
if you don't start grooving
to some better choices.
[gasps] Wait, Chris.
Where are your shoes?
I tried to tell you--
You don't have shoes
because your family can't
afford basic necessities.
I want to buy you
some new kicks.
Go on, get to steppin'.
Actually,
the shoes I need are $100.
A Benjamin?
I know it's a lot.
It's just
[somber music playing]
They're the only kind of shoes
that fit Black feet properly.
I never knew
Black people had it so hard.
What you need is an
inspirational white mentor,
like Goldie Hawn in Wildcats,
Jon Voight in Conrack,
Jim Belushi in The Principal.
Yep, thanks.
No, thank you!
It feels so good to help
at-risk inner city youths.
CHRIS [voiceover]: Like Michelle
Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds,
Sean Connery
in Finding Forrester,
Hilary Swank
in Freedom Writers.
Guess what I'm wearing.
Uh, no.
The new Jordans!
I finally got what I wanted.
Now I know how it feels
to be punk-ass Tonya.
You're gonna be so popular,
like Michael Jordan,
which means I'll be
your Scootie Pappen.
CHRIS [voiceover]: Greg didn't
know a lot about basketball.
No one's gonna
mess with me now,
unless my dad finds out
I have these.
JULIUS: Chris, I need the phone.
Uh, just a second!
[thwack]
Ah!
Drew, what are you
doing here?
Uh, I've been here
the whole time.
I was under the bed pretending
I was in a spaceship.
Please don't say
anything to Dad.
Chris, you know
I'm a bad liar.
What are you two doing?
Not hiding anything.
W--why would we?
Here's the phone. Bye!
GREG: I can't wait to see
your new Jor-- [hanging up]
CHRIS: The next day, I hid
the Jordans in my backpack.
All I had to do was get
out of the house without--
Chris is hiding Jordans
in his backpack.
You bought Jordans?
- What?
- How?
CHRIS: Now I know how it feels
to be punk-ass Tonya.
Who's the punk ass now?
Where'd you get $100?
[gasps] From dealing drugs?
I don't care
how you got the money.
You're returning those shoes.
But, Dad,
this is the first time
I've ever gotten
something I wanted.
Oh, what about Christmas?
I wanted a Starter jacket.
You got me a Benchwarmer coat.
'Cause it's warmer!
It's right there in the name!
Dad, please.
Tonya got a new phone.
That's different.
She needed it.
She only needed it
to eavesdrop on me.
Why aren't you punishing her?
'Cause unlike you,
I'd never lie to Daddy.
Me also.
The same.
Well, you better get going.
You're gonna be
late for school.
Return those shoes
on your way.
No, I'm keeping them.
[all gasping]
If you won't return them,
I will.
But those are my shoes
that I bought with my money.
This is my house
that I bought with my money.
And you're my son
that I made with my--
never mind!
The point is, I make the rules.
And if you don't like it,
you can move out.
You know what?
I don't like it,
so I will move out.
[gasps]
Oh.
[laughs] Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Damn it.
[relaxed music]
You went too far, Julius.
He'll come back.
What if he doesn't?
You're gambling
with our son's life!
He's only been gone
30 seconds!
This is an opportunity
to teach Chris a lesson.
What lesson?
How to sleep on a bus bench?
How to light a crack pipe?
He'll learn
that life is hard,
and no one's gonna
give him anything.
CHRIS [voiceover]: Except a
gullible white woman!
And he'll learn to appreciate
everything we give him.
He earned those shoes
for himself.
Why can't he keep them?
I can't back down.
Then Chris wins--
I--I mean, doesn't
learn anything.
The only thing
he'll learn from you is
how to be a stubborn-ass man.
I'm late for work.
I'm worried, Julius.
I'm not.
Chris will be home
before dinner.
Trust me.
Fine, I trust you.
If my son dies out there,
you'll die in here.
[hip-hop music]
Are you really gonna leave
over a pair of shoes?
It's more than
just the Jordans.
Dad doesn't care about me.
He's probably happy I'm gone.
So where are you gonna go?
I've got tons of options.
Please!
- You're my only option.
- Sorry.
I'm not allowed
to have sleepovers,
except with people
my dad really trusts,
like Father O'Malley
and Scoutmaster Rick.
What am I gonna do?
If I go home, my dad wins.
Chris, where are
your new sneaks?
My dad took them
and kicked me out of the house.
I guess that means
I'm homeless.
[gasps]
I knew you were Black,
but I had no idea
you were this Black.
CHRIS [voiceover]:
I knew you were that racist!
So can I have some money?
Money isn't the answer,
Chris.
No, it is.
What is it you really want?
Maybe a nose job.
All I want is a pair of
Jordans and a Starter jacket.
[gasps] Because you've
never owned a coat,
you need a starter jacket
to learn how to wear one.
Oh, Chris!
Come shopping with me
after school, OK?
I'll buy you whatever you want.
Yes!
I mean
thank you.
[hip-hop music]
[gasps] Where's Chris?
In jail? Dead?
Was it drugs?
Mom, he's fine.
Oh, thank God!
Where is he?
He's with Principal Morello.
That crazy-ass white lady?
Why?
I don't know.
Don't tell your father.
You want me to lie?
I'm gonna make him sweat.
[hip-hop music]
Chris, um, why do you need
a gold chain?
CHRIS [voiceover]: I knew
scamming her was wrong, but
It just reminds me
of my sister.
I still can't believe
she got run over by a bus.
[gasps]
Was this before or after
your brother went to jail?
The same day.
He was driving the bus.
Oh, Chris.
To go through that while
your father's a crack addict
and your mother's
a crack dealer?
[sighs]
At least I have
a principal I can count on.
I'll take the gold chain.
CHRIS [voiceover]: I loved
having a white savior.
Back then, I didn't know
it was a bad thing.
The only white savior I ever
heard of was Larry Bird.
OK.
Uh, I'm gonna go now.
Where? To a youth shelter?
Chris, no.
What you need is a hot meal
with a side order of love.
Like at Red Lobster?
You're coming home with me.
[gulps] Uh
[hip-hop music]
CHRIS [voiceover]: While I was
having a pity party,
Tonya was having
a regular one.
I wish she had been
run over by a bus.
What's all this?
Wait, Chris isn't back yet?
I don't know what place
Chris is at currently.
Time for dinner.
Tonya, get down
and set the table.
Drew, pour drinks.
We're all gonna have
more chores to do
now that Chris lives
under a bridge somewhere.
He'll be back before--
Dinner!
[soft music]
MRS. MORELLO: I hope you
like soul food.
I made chicken a la Dr. King,
macaroni and butter,
and creamed cauliflower.
It looks so
White?
Sorry, I was out
of Black-guy peas.
You mean black-eyed peas?
Oops, I almost
forgot seasoning.
[sighs]
ROCHELLE:
Chris, pass the greens.
Oh, right.
He's a teenage runaway.
Daddy, now that
Chris is gone forever,
can I have all his
earthly possessions?
He's not gone!
He didn't leave school
with anyone?
Chris?
No, not any human person.
ROCHELLE: Speaking of living
on the street,
I saw Kill Moves today.
Did you know his father
kicked him out too?
And he turned out fine.
I said Kill Moves
turned out fine!
Oh, Kill Moves!
What are you doing here?
Has anybody seen
my wife, Jordana?
Oh, look at that.
I was wearing her
the whole time.
[sighs]
♪
A lot of Kevin Eubanks.
I used to listen to him
with my husband, Jerry--
well, ex-husband.
[sighs]
I'm still getting used to that.
I always thought
he'd come back,
and we'd start
a family together.
But it's OK.
I have my students.
[sobbing]
What do I do, Chris?
How do I get a man to stay?
CHRIS [voiceover]:
Not like this.
I should go home.
No, you can't!
It's not safe for you there.
I'll be fine.
But you're exactly
what I need--
a Black man who suddenly
appears in my life
to help me solve
all my problems,
like Sidney Poitier
in Lilies of the Field,
Clarence Muse
in The Black S--
I miss my family!
[sighs] Fine.
But I can't let you go
until I talk to your mother.
CHRIS [voiceover]: I was about
to get busted for lying to my white savior,
but at least
I wouldn't have to be
her magical Negro anymore,
like Michael Clark Duncan
in The Green Mile
or Morgan Freeman
in every movie he's done.
Are you worried about Chris?
Nope.
[phone ringing]
That might be him.
[phone ringing]
He might be in trouble.
[phone ringing]
You sure you don't want
to get that?
[phone ringing]
I'm sure.
TONYA: Ugh, is someone gonna
answer the phone?
[phone ringing]
What?
Uh, this is Vivian Morello.
Your son Chris is here
at my apartment.
He wants to come home,
but I need to know
he'll be safe.
[clears throat]
Nope, we don't want Chris
anymore!
You can keep him!
[cockatiel chirps]
What's wrong?
Your family doesn't
want you anymore.
What?
It's OK, Chris.
Now I know what
you really need--
to be raised in a caring,
nurturing white household,
like Emmanuel Lewis
in Webster,
Gary Coleman
in Diff'rent Strokes.
What you talkin' about,
Principal Morello?
I want to adopt you, Chris.
Let me be your white mommy.
♪
[hip-hop music]
Julius, what are you
thinking about?
Uh
What's wrong with you?
My dad kicked me out.
He didn't want me to be a bum.
You need this more than I do.
[sighs]
REPORTER [on TV]: We're live in
a neighborhood
called Bedford-Stuyvesant,
where crime is rampant,
according to the one white man
I interviewed.
But thankfully,
police statistics show
that most of the victims
are actually Black.
What?
They're usually teenagers
who live on the street,
feeble ones with a big nose,
buck teeth, and--
Ah!
Julius?
You OK?
I'm worried about Chris.
What?
You are?
You were right, Rochelle.
I went too far.
Go on.
I was being stubborn,
and I should have
let you handle it.
Well, I'm glad we agree.
And don't worry.
He's safe
at Principal Morello's.
Oh, thank God!
[gasps]
You knew where he was
the whole time?
Me? No. [chuckles]
You can stop now, Drew.
Oh, my God.
Of course I knew
where he was.
I'm in total control
of the situation.
Principal Morello?
This is Chris's mother.
I'm coming to pick him up.
I'm sorry, but Chris ran off.
He what?
I tried to stop him,
but he was too fast
in his Air Michael Jordans.
Apparently,
victims of street crime
are being targeted
for one thing--
Air Michael Jordans.
Up next, I try to do
Jazzercise without farting.
[laughs]
Oh, it doesn't go well.
I'm sorry!
I wasn't in control!
It's my fault!
I was too hard on Chris!
I lied to everyone!
And the worst part is,
I was so good at it!
[groans]
Chris!
You came home!
I had nowhere else to go.
And I know you don't
want me anymore, but--
What?
Of course we want you!
CHRIS [voiceover]: At that
moment, I realized I was wrong about my dad.
He did care about me,
and so did my mom.
Boy, I should whoop your ass
for scaring us like that!
I love you and I'm glad
you are safe.
But on the phone, you said
Principal Morello
could keep me.
I would never say that.
Then who did?
Um, it--it was Chris!
He impersonated me
impersonating Mama.
Chris wasn't even here.
Hmph. Yeah, Tonya.
You're a bad liar.
Fine, it was me.
My sweet, perfect angel
did something wrong?
Yes! Finally!
You are so busted.
[tires skidding]
Oh, no.
Get away from my Black son.
Excuse me?
Are you high right now?
Are you?
I get why you came home.
You don't know
anything different.
But Mommy's here to save you.
Excuse me?
With parents like you,
it's no wonder
Chris's brother is in jail.
Wait, I am?
Drew, you and Chris
are related?
But you're so--and he's so--
Look, it can't be easy
to see your only daughter
get run over by a bus.
What?
Who told you I got--
Fine!
None of that stuff
about my family was true.
[gasps]
Why would you lie to me?
So you'd feel bad for me
and buy me Jordans
and a Starter jacket
and ripped jeans
and a gold chain
and another pair of Jordans.
Oh!
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Where are your new clothes?
I got robbed.
Did you fight back?
I tried,
but the guy was huge.
[hip-hop music]
Give me the Jordans!
They won't even fit you.
I'll grow into them.
♪
Ooh, is that
a Starter jacket?
♪
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I didn't need that stuff.
I have everything I need
right here.
[sniffles, sobs]
Are you OK?
Yeah, Chris will pay
you back for the clothes.
I would never take
your money.
You'll need it for bail.
And I'm more than OK.
[sobbing]
CHRIS [voiceover]: Then why you
blowing snot bubbles like Viola Davis?
[blows nose]
I didn't just help
one troubled urban teen--
I saved an entire
dysfunctional Black family!
Who you calling
dysfunctional?
You forgot to put
your car in park.
[gasps]
You're welcome, all of you!
[horns honking]
[scoffs] Upstairs, now.
I'm so happy
you're back, Chris.
Yeah, me too.
Wow.
Thanks, Tonya.
Hey, at least I noticed
you were gone.
[sighs] What are we gonna do
with these lying-ass kids?
[sighs] All I know is
you should handle it this time.
Actually, I think you should.
It really scared me
when you kicked Chris out.
But in the end, you were right.
He learned to appreciate
everything we give him.
I trust you, Julius, completely.
You better not pull
this again!
[tires skidding]
Check out my new ride!
Wait!
I need you to drive me around
and share your wisdom with me!
Chris,
you're grounded for a month.
Yeah, I figured.
Tonya, you too.
[gasps] What? But Daddy--
From now on, everybody
will be treated equally.
Then Drew should be
grounded too.
He was lying the whole time.
Don't you dare punish Drew.
He's my special, perfect baby.
I thought you trusted me
completely.
I do.
I don't.
Daddy, can I at least
keep my princess phone?
Sure, honey.
And you can keep these.
[gasps] Really?
You can have
whatever you want
if you scam
a white lady for it.
[all gasping]
[dramatic music]
[chiming]
Chris has the new Jordans!
I'm his Skeeter Poppins!
Oh!
[dribbling]
♪
[muffled speech]
Oh!
[laughter]
Huh.
I guess it wasn't the shoes.
SINGERS: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
[groans]
[hip-hop music]
♪
MTV ♪