Family Affair (1966) s01e12 Episode Script

1
Goodbye, Buffy.
Goodbye, Jody.
Write to me.
Okay.
But I don't write very good.
That's all right.
I don't read very good.
No, it wasn't, honey.
I missed the cup, see?
But you hit the ball.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
May we suggest that you try bending the
knee?
Both?
No, sir.
One.
One.
Like that?
That's right, sir.
Hello, Uncle Bill.
I need to take Buffy to the park.
That's the best idea in a long time.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Davis residence here.
Oh, just one moment, please.
Uh, long distance for you, sir.
Let me try it.
Probably Ted Gannon.
Hello, Ted?
Yeah.
Well, how's our bid look on that stadium
job?
Uh, well, we'll just have to shave it down
a little, that's all.
Okay, I'll get right over to the office,
right?
Just keep calm.
Bye, Ted.
Well, that takes care of that.
You call up the club and tell them I can't
make the tournament this afternoon?
Yes, sir.
Oh.
Well, that's okay, Jody.
It was an accident.
You got a better swing than I have.
I'm sorry, Mr. French.
I'll clean up the mess.
It's an excellent suggestion.
I'll even help.
You don't have to be nice to me.
My intent is to protect the rest of the
furniture.
Ah, hello, Senor French.
I see you bring the little one,
huh?
What can I do for you, Senor French?
Ah, Senor Icardi, I
need antipasta, eh?
Stracciatelle, filetti de meluso,
alfierontina, e pomodoro insalata, per piacere.
Ah, for a foreigner, you speak so
beautiful.
Oh, that's my Papino again.
Oh, Papino, come in here!
Oh, that boy is gonna drive me out of my
mind some day.
He's gonna want to play the baseball,
play the baseball, play the baseball.
I'm kidding with the baseball.
Papino, you're a very bad boy.
You have no respect for people's property.
No, Papa.
That's the second window you broke this
week.
Now you go back in the storeroom and you
stay.
Yes, Papa.
Go!
Hi, Jody.
Hi, Papino.
My boy, my boy.
That's a kid of mine.
He's the realest son of a thing.
He just broke your window.
Senor, see how little is that a window?
Yes.
Any boy can hear the big window.
My Papino.
Maybe someday he'll be another Joe
DiMaggio.
He'll make his papa very proud.
Mr. Riccardi, could I ask you something?
Sure, Jody.
If you like Papino, then how come you
stopped him?
Because I want him to grow up to respect
others.
He will not have respect if he goes around
breaking things.
I love him, my boy, so I punish him.
Papino!
Yes, Papa?
You thought enough about breaking things?
Yes, Papa.
Punishment over.
Good night.
Good night, good boy.
Papa, can me and Jody play in the
storeroom?
Sure.
I've got a lot of things to get there for
Mr. French.
Come on, Jody, I'll show you my clubhouse.
Okay.
Mr. French, I won't break anything.
Go.
Papino, wait for me!
That was neat the way your Papa socked
you.
What's so neat?
It means he loves you.
Who says?
Your Papa.
I guess my Uncle Bill doesn't love me.
How come?
He never socks me when I do something bad.
Today I broke a big glass thing.
I'd sure get socked for that.
Boy!
All he did is kind of smile.
Once I couldn't watch Captain Hippopotamus
for two whole weeks on TV.
Boy, your Papa sure loves you.
Jody!
Coming, Mr. French.
I wish I could get my Uncle Bill to love
me enough to sock me.
Why don't you ask him to?
It don't count if you have to ask.
I could ask.
Nope.
It's gotta be for real.
Why don't you give away Uncle Bill's ski
sweater?
That's his favorite.
Who could I give it to?
It's pretty big.
Scotty, downstairs.
He's big.
Thanks, Buffy.
You're a pal.
Too bad I'm a girl.
Uncle Bill will never sock me.
When he socks me, half of it will be
yours.
I'm a girl.
Hi, Scotty.
Oh, hiya, Jody.
What have you got there?
My Uncle Bill's skiing sweater.
Here.
I don't ski.
My Uncle Bill says you must get awful cold
standing outside.
Hey, your Uncle Bill's a good guy.
I'll call him up and thank him.
He's not home.
Remember to thank him when he gets here.
It's the most important part.
Mr.
French, how soon will Uncle Bill be home?
Presently.
Mr. French, is it fun playing chess by
mail?
Oh, intriguing.
By Jove, I do believe that Mr. Mitford of
London has given me an opening at last.
Good evening, Mr. Davis.
Hello, Scotty.
And thanks, sir.
That sweater you gave me is very nice.
Look at it.
See?
When Jody gave it to me, I told them your
Uncle Bill's a good guy, and I mean that, sir.
Jody.
Well, that's all right, Scotty.
I'm glad you like it.
Now, don't send Jody down with any skis,
sir.
I'll buy my own.
I might just mention that to Jody.
Hi, Uncle Bill.
Hi, Jody.
Hello, Buffy.
Did you see Scotty?
Uh-huh.
I see you gave him one of my sweaters,
huh?
Yes, sir.
Jody?
Yes, Uncle Bill?
Now, that was a very generous impulse that
made you give Scotty that sweater.
There's not much of that left in the world
today, and I'm very proud of you.
One more thing.
What?
Next time, ask me.
Okay?
Boy,
if I did something like that, I'd get
socked, even if the sweater had holes in it.
Sure, because your dad loves you.
Jody, I'm sorry.
Why don't you get Peppino's father mad and
let him sock you?
It won't count.
Hey, I know.
Why don't you play hooky?
Yeah.
That's a bad thing.
We can hide out at my clubhouse.
We?
You're gonna play hooky with me?
We are pals.
Suppose the teacher don't notice me and
Peppino were gone.
What?
I'll tell him.
I'll get you in terrible trouble with
Uncle Bill.
Hello.
I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but Jody's
school just called.
He didn't report back to his room after
lunch.
You heard from him?
No, sir.
But according to his teacher, he's
deliberately playing hooky.
You got any idea where he'd be?
Ah, yes, sir, yes, sir.
A friend of his named Pepino is also a
fugitive.
It suggests the latter's clubhouse,
sir.
Well, get over there and take a look,
will you?
And call me right back.
Yes, sir.
Oh, good evening, sir.
Where is he?
Now, in his room, sir, waiting to be
punished.
Another move from Mitford?
Yes, sir.
You know, sir, I've been mulling over my
counter move.
I do believe, sir, that after seven long
months, I have him trapped.
Oh, a bath, sir?
Oh, yeah, a minute.
As soon as I get through talking to Jody.
Yes, sir.
Hi, Jody.
Hi, Uncle Bill.
Well, what you building there?
A bridge.
Oh, that's pretty fancy.
I see you need some more support.
See?
I played hooky.
Yeah, so I heard.
How come?
Just felt like it.
Oh.
If you want to punish me real bad, my
favorite TV program is Captain Hippopotamus.
Yeah?
Is it time for Captain Hippopotamus now?
Yeah.
Well, you better go on and look at it.
I don't want to keep you.
Uncle Bill, you're not even gonna sock me?
Of course I'm not gonna sock you.
But playing hooky is bad.
Sure it's bad.
I got real upset when French told me about
that.
Real upset?
Yep.
And then I remembered that when I was
a little boy, I played hooky, too, one time.
And I didn't have any excuse.
I didn't have any excuse, either.
I just felt like it.
Jody, just don't do it again, see?
Morning, French.
Good morning, sir.
May we have a word with you, sir?
Sure, why not?
Well, someone, sir, has absolutely
demolished my chess game.
Any idea who?
Oh, yes, sir.
A child, approximately six years of age.
Oh, Jody or Buffy?
Jody, sir.
Ah, French, a man is innocent until proven
guilty.
You wanted to see me, Uncle Bill?
Did I?
Yes, sir.
About messing up Mr. French's chess game.
I did it.
Oh, stay, French.
Why'd you do it, Jody?
I just did.
That's all.
You realize that's a pretty rotten thing
to do.
Real rotten.
Of course, on the other hand, it was a
very fine thing of you to come in here and
accept sole responsibility so we wouldn't
blame Buffy.
You mean I'm not going to get socked?
What do you think, French?
No great problem about rearranging the
board, sir.
I'll simply write Mr. Mitford and
duplicate his board.
Matter of a few days, huh?
You'd better apologize to Mr. French.
Is that all?
Jody, an apology is the act of a real man
when he knows he's wrong.
Okay, I apologize.
Goodbye, Buffy.
Goodbye, Jody.
Write to me.
Okay.
But I don't write very good.
That's all right.
I don't read very good.
Hi, Scotty.
Jody, what are you doing here?
Just hanging around.
What's in the suitcase?
Uh, just stuff.
How come you brought your piggy bank?
I like to have it with me.
Maybe I better call your uncle.
Oh, no, don't.
Well, okay, call him.
So I won't have to go out in the dark.
Jody, I don't want to do this,
but I'm going to have to punish you.
Running away at night like that, who
knows what might have happened to you, huh?
You're not going to get to look at Captain
Hippopotamus for a whole week.
And there'll be no trip to the museum on
Saturday with French and Buffy, you got that?
And that space helmet you wanted,
that's out.
Out!
That clear?
Now, you get in that bed and you stay
there until I tell you to get out.
That's the only possible recourse,
sir.
Why did he have to run away in the first
place?
And then I have to go and lose my temper.
Now, what I should have done was discuss
his problem with him first, you see.
Any child expert will tell you that.
But, sir, the punishment is neither cruel
nor unusual.
Ah, a trip to the museum could have been
educational, you know.
Oh, but, sir, French, I don't know anything
about kids, but I'm learning one thing.
I've got to learn to control my temper.
Now, he's probably in there crying his
eyes out right now, and I feel like I healed.
Can you spank me?
No.
I just want to talk to you.
Talk?
Yeah, I lost my temper, and I think I was
a little rough on you.
You're going to take back all that stuff?
Well, some of it.
You feel better?
Don't you care what I grow up into?
Don't you care what I grow up into?
What do you mean, don't I care what you
grow up into?
It's about all those bad things I did,
and you didn't sock me.
Well, of course I didn't sock you,
Jody.
That's not the way we're going to settle
things around here.
My penis father socks him.
He socks me.
He wants Pepino to grow up and have
respect.
Oh.
And that's how Pepino knows he loves him.
He does?
Oh, he does.
Well, I see.
Well, Jody, now you're going to have to be patient
with me till I learn how to do these things right.
If I understand you correctly,
you want that kind of reassurance from me
so you'll know that I love you I don't
know what you're talking about.
Well, honey, neither do I.
I didn't up till now.
All right, Jody, the no trip to the museum
was for giving away my sweater.
Right.
And the no Captain Hippopotamus,
that was for playing hooky.
Right.
And the no space helmet was for messing up
French's chessboard.
What about running away?
That was real bad.
Oh, that was horrible.
Real horrible.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to think up something
real tough for that one.
But Pino's father made him clean up the
whole storeroom.
Oh, that's not tough enough for guys like
you and me.
How about no dessert?
Kid stuff.
Remember that football I gave you?
I need to practice.
You wouldn't take that back, would you?
Worse than that, Jody.
Worse than that.
Jody, I'm gonna let all the air out of it.
Uncle Bill, please, no!
I have to do it, Jody.
That way, maybe you'll remember not to run
away again.
Yes, sir.
Now, come here.
Now, this is gonna be for thinking for one
minute that I don't love you.
Are you ready?
Gee, thanks, Uncle Bill.
One, two, three.
Good night, Uncle Bill.
Good night, Tiger.