Leanne (2025) s01e12 Episode Script

1
"Buy four cans of Crisco,
get one free."
Harold Roundtree died.
Maybe he ate too much Crisco.
I put Crisco on your pacifier,
and you never complained.
Explains so much.
- They don't know what's in margarine.
- Harold was a shop teacher.
They even have shop class anymore?
- Irish butter is my favorite.
- Probably giving the money to the guy.
Make sure there's a boy
on the girls' track team.
As long as it's salted,
and I do love Irish dancing.
Once again, there was no hot water for me.
I had to tinkle just to warm myself up.
You know who ain't worried
about hot water?
Harold Roundtree, 'cause he's dead.
The Irish also make good soap.
Don't even try.
Sure, let the one
that looks like this get it.
Morning!
It's already too much, Mary.
Guess who's rebooting her book club?
And I expect to see you and Carol.
Here are your books and your invite,
which has all the details
and a little surprise.
The Queen's Dilemma.
She falls in love with a fella who winds
all the clocks at Buckingham Palace.
This really isn't a good time.
I will not take no for an answer.
Bring a hot take and a cold dip. Toodles.
- The Queen's Dilemma?
- Died of a short illness.
- Well, that could be anything.
- Dilemma was she treated Irish like dogs.
Flesh-eating bacteria,
you'd never see that one coming.
I really wish
that Daniel Day-Lewis hadn't retired.
You're crazy if you think
I'm going to Mary's book party.
Come on, that poor little thing's
trying to start up her social life again.
Why does that have to include me?
Because I have to go,
and you live here for free.
- I'm busy.
- Doing what?
Polishing my letter to Dylan.
You've been working on that thing
for a week. How about this?
"You're a criminal.
Goodbye forever, you ding-dong."
- Now read.
- Pfft!
If this book were any good, the guy
on the cover would have a bigger clock.
Be nice. She's excited.
And she's made an invitation.
Ooh!
It's still too much, Mary.
Is it just me or is Nigel gay?
- How far along are you?
- . About halfway. You?
Been dozing on the same page
for the last hour.
This book is like shotgunning
a bottle of NyQuil.
I downloaded the Audible version
and jacked it up to three times the speed.
Nigel woke with a start
as the clock struck midnight.
His brow beat
That's cheating.
Whatever you say, Chapter One.
Don't spoil it for me,
I wanna work my way into Nigel's gayness.
So does Rupert.
There's something wrong with your TV.
The message said, "Are you sure?"
I pushed yes,
and now it's nothing but cartoons.
Carol, help Daddy with the TV.
I'm reading.
I've already put lotion on Mama's back.
I'll just watch it in here.
…As German troops advanced on Norway.
Damn Germans.
It's my recurring nightmare
all over again.
Taking a test
on a book that I didn't read.
At least I'm not naked.
Why couldn't Mary start a fight club?
Add your naked thing to it,
now that's a party.
Welcome. Welcome.
Shoes off. Come on in.
She thinks my feet are cleaner
than my shoes. She's wrong.
All right, we're all here.
Leanne, Carol, you know everyone.
- Hi!
- Hey.
Tell me you wouldn't want to punch
every one of these women naked.
My goodness, Becca, did you make that?
I just threw it together.
I love a simple charcuterie board.
It's like painting a picture
with salami and cheese.
- Well, I'm hitting it.
- Wait!
Camera eats first.
Hashtag "Mary's book club,"
hashtag "Becca of Knoxville,"
hashtag "cornichons are not pickles."
Hashtag "can I dig in now?"
Yes, but the grapes are fake.
Hi, Hillary, how are you?
Well, does she have a fever?
No, you don't have to guess.
There's a thermometer in the drawer.
Anything above 98.
Sorry about that.
Tommy's at home with the kids,
which means
no one's at home with the kids.
- How many precious babies do you have now?
- Well, the twins make it five.
And the flu's just ripping its way
through all of them.
It's why my face
looks like a catcher's mitt.
Hillary, stop.
We are here to focus on Hillary.
That's me!
I've got the perfect face serum for you.
Bethany Frankel swears by it,
and I swear by everything she swears by.
You have to avoid sunlight for a month,
but worth it.
Okay, ladies, take a seat.
Time to get this literary train a-rolling.
Choo-choo!
Leanne, you ready to tear into this book?
You betcha.
I mean, the symbolism, the imagery,
not to mention the religious undertones.
Amen.
I'm stealing "religious undertones."
I want to take this moment
to thank you all for coming
after our seven-year hiatus.
And I know that Gerry
is looking down right now saying,
"There you go, Mary.
You get them reading again."
Pretty sure he's saying,
"Yes, I am allergic to shrimp."
Now, I wrestled long and hard
about what book
would bring us back with a bang.
How did I do?
Whoo!
Loved the religious undertones.
Now, just to refresh you on a few rules.
First, have fun.
Second, no talking without the stick.
Y'all remember Shushy?
Doesn't "shushy" imply not talking?
Shush.
And last, but most important rule,
please refrain from any graphic S-E-X talk
and use our approved safe words,
"rain" and "thunder."
Okay? Let's begin!
Hang on. Quick group pic.
Okay.
All right, chin check, tilt up.
Carol, tilt up more.
Never mind, put the book up
in front of your neck.
Got it.
The Queen's Dilemma.
I'll be brief.
I've earmarked
my talking points.
So, in the end,
the clocks were a motif
more than the crown was.
In fact…
Is she ever gonna stop talking?
My fingernails have grown.
…go so far as to say her royalty…
Leanne?
…was merely a distant…
I fell asleep with my eyes open.
…The Queen's Dilemma.
It had a bit of Milton, Chaucer,
and now I'll Thoreau it
to the next person.
Wow. Okay.
First, let's give it up for Mary.
You're not getting rid
of Shushy that easy.
Seriously, one more time for Mary.
So… The Queen's Dilemma.
We've all had them, am I right?
And who here hasn't chased
a clock-winder or two?
Our Leanne's a little rusty.
Let me help you out.
Wasn't it moving that despite the fact
she ruled a kingdom,
the queen didn't feel complete
until she had the love of a man?
Wait. Is that what this book's about?
Sorry, I didn't actually read it.
- What?
- What?!
And now I'm glad I didn't.
A woman only feeling whole
if she's got a man by her side?
That's a bunch of hooey.
Look, y'all know my life
blew up this year.
Bill engaged in… rain and thunder…
…with another woman.
My God, she's going there.
When my marriage ended,
I thought my world would too.
Being a wife and mom
was my whole identity,
and I know some of y'all
feel the same way.
I see you, Hillary.
No one ever sees me.
I never thought I'd be divorced
at this time in my life.
Nobody saw that coming.
But it's also been transformative for me.
I found a strength in myself
that I never knew I had.
Thank you for your thoughts. Who's next?
Shush.
Go on.
Life isn't about finding the right person.
It's about becoming the person
you were always meant to be.
I didn't read the book either!
Good gravy, another offender.
I came here tonight because I just needed
to get out of the house.
I'm home all day,
getting wiped on and spit on and peed on.
I really hope
she's talking about her kids.
Sometimes, I drop my keys in the driveway
just so I can squat down
and have an extra second of me time.
And I miss having my period!
It took me hours to figure out
what to wear tonight,
and this is where I landed.
I know, it's perfect.
But that's the problem.
Why can't I look like Hillary
once in a while?
Well, you know what I mean. Comfy.
You can.
Whose rules are you following anyway?
Not mine.
I did. I read the book
because I'm a rule follower.
I even read another book
about the author of this book.
Apparently, she had polio.
Then I read a book about polio.
It goes on and on and on.
I miss my long hair, but they say
I'm too old to wear it that way.
You wear your hair any way you want to.
One hundred percent agree.
Within reason. We can talk.
I really didn't want to come tonight.
Did anybody want to come?
I was gonna spend my evening
agonizing over what to write
to my boyfriend who's in jail.
We all heard about that one too.
What was I thinking?
I don't want to be shackled
to a man in shackles.
No, you do not.
I don't know much,
but I'll tell y'all this.
I've never felt more empowered.
I look around this room
and I see beautiful, smart, strong women.
We are the real queens.
Yes!
I'm now thinking
green was the wrong color.
What's a five-letter word
that means "sign of life"?
- Pulse.
- Pulse.
No, it's got to start with a Q and an R.
When is their bathroom gonna be done?
I love them, but I'm ready
for them to move back home.
It's gonna take a long time
for me to feel sexy in my bedroom again.
Hey, last night, were you serious
about ending it with Dylan?
Yes. What was I thinking?
- You weren't.
- I wasn't.
- But you are now.
- I am.
You know, it's funny.
When you're my sister,
I don't really listen to you.
But now that you're an oracle,
you make sense.
An oracle?
I don't exactly know what that means,
but I don't hate it.
Here's to my life no longer
revolving around serving a man.
Carol, can you get your daddy some coffee?
- You do it.
- No, you do it.
- I just did his socks.
- I made his eggs.
And I'm an oracle.
Carol's got your coffee coming, Daddy.
My Lord,
you got 1,011 views on my Instagram.
I haven't had this much traffic
since I posted 20 Ways to Use
a Flat Iron at a Red Light.
Mom and Daddy, you know Becca Bowman.
- Nice to see you, Rebecca.
- Last time I saw your daddy…
- Folks still living in Nashville?
- …he'd come down with the sugar.
I really like their food.
Just pick one.
Yes.
You two should be very proud of Leanne.
She really inspired all of us
at the book club last night.
I was on a bit of a roll.
Understatement.
She was dropping wisdom.
Check this out.
I took your speech and I remixed it.
Life isn't about
finding the right person.
It's about becoming the person
that you were always meant to be.
That's me? How did you do that?
With an app. And a filter. And a teenager.
That's catchy.
What am I listening to?
Your daughter's about to blow up
on social media.
I just said some things
that seemed to resonate.
It was awesome.
It was all about female empowerment.
Damn empowerment.
I'm getting DMs
asking for more Leanne content.
If you keep this up, I can monetize it.
Ooh.
Sweatshirts, tote bags, maybe a podcast.
Yes, I'll do it with you!
Feminine hygiene products.
Tagline, "You never leak with Leanne."
Slow down. I'm nobody.
I got nothing big to say.
Well, you better think of something
'cause Miley Cyrus' mom just reposted you.
- Ooh.
- Tish?
I mean, I'm confused. What's happening?
You've raised an amazing woman.
She made everyone in that room realize
their worth has nothing to do with a man.
No offense.
You talking to me? I wasn't listening.
He never is.
- Just play it again.
- Okay.
It's like I said, Hillary,
when you start doing things for yourself,
you find the energy.
Okay, now. Bye.
Hillary's having Tommy watch the kids
so she can go to a silent retreat.
If people pay for silence,
they'll pay for your face on a coaster.
Cynthia's sending more pictures
of her new hair extensions.
Aw.
"Luscious at any age."
Okay, check it out.
Black sweatpants, pink lettering,
"Real Queens" down the leg.
You hate it. You love it?
Forget it, it sucks. Dig deeper, Carol!
I'm not doing this for money.
I'm glad I'm helping people,
making lives better one woman at a time.
That's going on a G-string.
John, remember when I wanted
to take a job at the florist shop?
Yeah.
Minimum wage to push flowers around a bowl
when you had a husband
providing everything you needed.
The forecast, mostly sunny…
What, we still talking?
Making lives better.
You're right,
it's too hard to read on a G-string.
I'm leaving that man.
What?
You mean you're leaving tomorrow
with that man back to your house?
Thanks to you, Leanne,
I have found my power.
And your daddy does not like it.
Now, scoot over.
I blame you for this.
I know.
I'm not the bad guy.
No one's the bad guy.
I mean, excuse me for providing
and protecting for 60 years.
Daddy, she was just exploring the idea
that women can find happiness
with or without a man.
Which is a load of crap.
Your mother needs to come get in the car.
That'll help.
She won't come.
Try again.
The more you try to force it,
the worse it's gonna get.
So I'm the problem?
No, you're just a little old-fashioned
in your way of thinking, that's all.
I never heard your mother complain
about it until you sang that dadgum song.
Technically, I wasn't singing.
Becca did a mix.
You know what? Never mind.
I'll go try talking to her again.
So now I don't know what a song is.
Mama.
I'm not going.
I understand why you're upset.
I let your daddy believe
that he's in charge
because it makes him feel good,
but now I realize
he actually thinks he's in charge.
What am I supposed to tell him?
You tell him only a coward
makes his children do his talking.
What else you got?
- She's not budging.
- Neither is he.
I've got an idea,
but it means
both of us telling a little lie.
I do it every day.
You've never caught me. What's the plan?
Mama fell.
Daddy stopped breathing!
My God. She actually fell?
No. I went a little big on the lie.
John, you're breathing.
Of course I am. Are you okay?
- Was it your hip?
- I'm fine.
Okay, clearly we lied.
But what matters is how quickly
you two ran to each other.
And why? Because neither one of y'all
can live without the other.
The most important thing in life
is finding your person.
The real key to happiness
is when the queen finds her king.
Her better half.
The man that completes her.
And aren't we all searching for that?
So when the queen finds her king,
they go get in the carriage
and go back home to the castle…
where they live happily ever after.
Nice.
Margaret, I'm an old grump,
and I know you don't need me,
but I hope you'll always want me.
Aw.
And if you want to sell flowers
for less than the gas money
it takes to get there, fine.
So close.
So what do you say?
You get in the car and go home with me?
Well, you're the boss, John.
We'll go get Mama's things.
So I guess we're going
with a different message?
It's what a strong woman does.
She reads the room and adapts.
You don't read.
That's what got us into this mess.
You hear that?
Nothing.
Yeah, this is our silent retreat.
Hillary got kicked out.
She was too chatty.
So you really
didn't teach anyone anything.
Well, you're not a prison wife.
That's a big win.
True.
You know what they say.
If you can help just one person…
Shh.
You're done.