My Three Sons (1960) s01e12 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
Oh, hi, Bub.
Hi. You're a little late for dinner, ain't you?
Only about three hours, huh?
I grabbed a sandwich at the plant.
Still have a lot of work I have to finish up tonight.
No mail?
No mail?
What are you talking about at this time of the month?
I brought it down here I've been checking on the bills.
Oh.
Hey, what are you doing cleaning out the fireplace?
That's Mike's chore.
The whole house could be full of ashes,
and he'd find some darned excuse for not doing it.
So it's easier to do it myself.
I don't know what's the matter with those guys.
Chip didn't put his milk bottles out this morning.
Robbie hasn't cleaned the garage in a week.
Bill bill
Hey, what's this? "To Dad, from the boys."
It's not Father's Day or my birthday.
No, no, no, it's "Be Good to Dad."
"So We Get a Raise on Our Allowance" Day.
They finally got around to it, huh?
You know, if I've asked them once,
I've asked them a thousand
times to stop talking about a raise
in their allowances and to put their request down on paper
in a businesslike way and then we could discuss it.
They want their allowances doubled?
Why, they must be kidding.
Well, if they're kidding,
that's the only thing they're doing around here.
They're sure not doing any of their chores.
They want a trampoline in the backyard?
Yeah. They say they need that for off-duty relaxation.
You mean, they want to relax
from the work they're not doing.
(quietly): Oh, boy.
Contractors on my back all day,
misprints in the specifications,
blueprints lost, and now this.
No wonder I got a headache.
Oh-oh, the bills, don't forget the bills.
More headaches.
It's just too much.
14 hours a day, six days a week.
That makes, uh,
4,032 hours a year It's too much.
Hi, Dad! Boy, am I glad to see you. You got the list.
I got it. Did you read it?
I read it.
Well, what do you think?
It's too much.
It's just too much.
Hi, Dad! Glad to see you finally got home.
We got it in writing; What do you think?
I think you ought to be in bed.
Why do we have to go to bed?
I thought we were gonna talk first.
Yeah, Dad. You said when we got our demands in writing
you'd talk to us about 'em.
Sorry, but I have my chores to do,
and I don't like to leave them
undone so Bub has to do them for me,
if you know what I mean.
Now, what did Robbie forget to do now?
Me? He didn't mean me, he meant you.
Didn't you, Dad?
He did not mean me, he meant you,
bean brain.
Hi, Dad. How'd you like what we said about the trampoline?
Who are you calling bean brain, knucklehead?
It was my idea about the trampoline, Dad.
I took out the milk bottles, didn't I?
MIKE: Well, I took out the garbage cans.
Maybe we can get a used one.
If it's not used too much.
The fireplace. I'll bet
you forgot to do the fireplace.
Hey, Dad? Will you knock it off?
MIKE: Yeah, come on, Chip, cut it out. You heard Dad.
No time for kid stuff.
Well, if we could just start talking about allowances.
Where do we start?
You can start by going to bed.
Aw, gee, Dad, can't we have our talk first?
Hey, Dad, you promised.
ROBBIE: Not so loud.
(whispering loudly): Hey, Dad, you promised.
Who broke a window at the Pearson's again?
And this telephone bill.
Boy.
Well, if we can't talk tonight, when can we talk?
I don't know, Mike.
151 quarts of?
What's Bub feeding around here, the United States Navy?
It's too much.
It's just too much.
I need an aspirin.
Well, if you don't know when we can talk,
when will you know, Dad?
I'm sorry, fellows, I'm so beat,
I can hardly think, let alone talk.
Okay, we understand
A man only has so many words to say every day,
and I've already said mine. I'm talked out.
Sure, Dad, but think of all the And thought out.
CHIP: What if I need a? And pooped out.
But, Dad, all the trouble we went through just to
Quiet, you guys.
Can't you see Dad's bushed?
Dad, if you could just set a time for us to talk about it.
And pretty soon, please, Dad, because I'm broke,
and if I don't get some money
We're all broke.
Me, too. I need some more
Not so loud, dumbo!
Dad's tired.
Pipe down, Robbie.
Quiet, all of you!
And go to bed.
Well, gee, Dad!
ROBBIE: It's not fair.
MIKE: Robbie's right.
We've put all our gripes down on paper,
just like you told us to.
Well, it-it just doesn't seem fair.
Okay, so I'm unfair.
Why don't you get a soapbox
and go out on the corner and tell all the neighbors?
Tell them you've got an unfair father
who won't discuss an increase in your allowances
until you start earning the money you're already getting.
Or better still, if you think I'm so unfair,
why don't you go out on strike?
You know, walk up and down
in front of the house, carrying picket signs.
"Steve Douglas is unfair to his sons."
What's a strike?
Gee, Dad, we don't want to go on strike.
STEVE: All right, don't go on strike.
If you think things are so bad around here,
join the Foreign Legion or something.
But before you leave, I strongly
suggest you all hit the sack.
Right now.
Good night.
I'm sorry, fellows.
It's just that I've had a rough day.
Good night, Dad.
Night, Dad.
Wow.
Yeah.
Is Dad talking about baseball?
Well, he told us to do it.
We were just following orders.
Gee, how come he wants us to go out and strike?
Coach is always telling us not to.
Bub didn't have to do that fireplace.
I was going to do it tomorrow.
Every time I try to clean up the garage,
Dad's car is always in the way.
Gee, who wants to go out and strike?
Sometimes, it's the only way to get to first base.
Are you kidding?
Three strikes, and you're out.
Yeah, well, in this game, it's one strike,
and you're out.
And when the umpire calls out on you,
you're not just out, you're locked out.
Boy, that doesn't sound like much fun.
That's the whole point, stupid.
We got to do something about this kid.
He's getting dumber every minute.
(door slams shut)
(whispering): How come you got to ask so many questions
when you don't know anything?
If I don't,
how am I ever going to find out anything?
(door shuts)
(knocking)
Come in.
Chip, why aren't you in bed?
I want a drink of water.
Well, go in the bathroom and get one,
and then get to bed, will you, please?
Dad
how can you get to first base by striking out?
When the catcher drops the ball on the third strike.
How come Robbie says you're out on the first strike?
Well, I don't know what he meant by that, Chip,
but I guess none of us know
quite what we're saying tonight.
Maybe we'll all feel better in the morning, huh?
Good night.
Night, Dad.
Oh, Chip, uh, don't forget your drink of water.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
(quiet, indistinct crowd chatter)
MAN (over PA): Now batting with 56 home runs and 410 RBIs,
the league's leading hitter, that king of swat,
Chip A. Douglas.
Winds up. Here's the pitch.
(crowd clamoring)
Strike one! You're out!
(crowd clamoring)
(laughing)
At the old ball game. ♪
CHIP: Oh!
(Steve laughing)
(crowd clamoring)
(cackling)
(laughing maniacally)
Daddy, let me in!
No!
Please, Daddy. Why?
Let me have a glass of water, Dad.
Please, let me in, Dad.
Let me in, Dad.
Water, Dad!
(gunfire)
(gunfire)
(missile whistling)
(explosion)
Why did a young genius with your sense of humor
ever join the Foreign Legion?
I don't want to talk about it.
It's too ugly.
Things got rough back home after we struck Dad.
The whole town turned against us.
I came here to forget.
If we ever get back to the post Yes.
If we ever get back to the post alive
Yes? Yes?
Don't forget to clean the bathroom.
Oh, Bub!
(huffs)
MIKE: And I tell you, ladies and gentlemen,
that I'm here to see that justice is done.
Hip, hip.
(lions roaring)
(crowd chatter)
Steve Douglas is a slave driver.
Hip, hip!
(lions roaring)
Steve Douglas is unfair!
Hip, hip! (Lions roaring)
Look at him.
He's the enemy!
(roaring)
We need your help to free the Douglas boys.
(roaring)
He's almost on his knees.
Get him. Get him!
He's almost on his knees.
(growling)
He's almost on his knees.
Get him. Get him!
Get him. Get him!
(roaring)
He's on his knees.
We've got him!
We've got him! We've got him!
(roaring)
No. Let him go.
He's my father.
Let him alone!
He's my father.
(growling)
Let go of him!
He's my father!
Let him alone!
He's my father!
Let him alone!
He's my father!
My father!
(panting)
STEVE: Hi. Anybody home?
Hi, fellas.
Sorry I'm late for dinner.
Fellas?
Robbie?
Mike?
Chip?
It's me.
Oh, boy.
Mike?
Mike?
Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
Well, it's, uh, almost 2:30.
What are you doing up so late?
I, uh, I-I got hungry.
Oh.
(sniffs)
Dreams are, uh, funny, aren't they?
Huh?
I, uh
I fell asleep upstairs I, uh
Yeah, they're real funny.
Real real sometimes.
Yeah.
You know, Mike, when you were a little fella,
you used to have bad dreams once in a while,
and you'd come flying into bed with Mom and me.
Pretty soon, you'd settle down and go to sleep again.
Then one of us would carry you back
into your own bed.
That was a long time ago.
I guess you don't remember that.
Well, sure, I do sort of.
Hmm, good cheese.
Want some? No.
You mean you can smell it from there?
Tastes better than it smells.
You know, this is nice.
I mean, just the two of us sitting here, uh,
talking like this.
I'd forgotten how easy it is
to talk to just one of you at a time.
Yes, sir, it's, uh, it's real nice.
I enjoy talking to you.
Unless it's about money.
Oh, I didn't mean that, it just came out.
Sometimes, that's when you say what you really mean, Mike.
When it just comes out like that.
Why don't we get it all out in the open, huh?
All right.
Look, answer one thing.
Can you afford to give us a raise?
Yes, I can afford it, Mike,
but that's not the point.
Well, gee, a guy needs a little money
in his pocket to operate, that's all.
I mean, senior year's a lot of loot, Dad.
I'm gonna have to-to-to rent a tux and
and pay for things like class pictures and
and class pins and-and games
and-and the yearbook.
I know that all runs into money, Mike.
How do you think I feel when I pull
into a service station with a gang of kids
and say, "Fill her up," and then have
to sneak two fingers out the window.
I just got to get a raise, Dad, or-or
or maybe I'd better quit school and get a job.
Oh, come on now, Mike, it's not that bad.
Oh, no?
Even Robbie's in hock.
He borrows from Fizzy to pay Streaky Beloff and
and then borrows from Streaky
to pay Fizzy back.
And Chip's broke, too, because
because I even have to borrow from him.
Well
Mike, I I told you I'd read this,
but I didn't want to discuss it
because I thought your demands were unreasonable.
But, uh, maybe I'm wrong.
Let's talk about it, hmm?
Well, okay.
Like I said, we we've got so many expenses.
Well, then, you'll just have to cut down.
I thought you said we were going to talk.
We are talking, Mike.
You're giving orders.
Oh, no, no, I'm just suggesting.
All right, suggest.
Now, let's not get emotional about it.
Just say your piece, and we'll go from there.
Well, boy But let's get down
to the real issues Let's not play
cat and mouse with each other, hmm?
Okay.
Now, you want your allowances doubled.
Right. Well, that's out.
Out? Well, just let me finish.
Well, if we're gonna talk about it,
let's at least be fair. Now, wait a minute
What good is talking gonna do
if you've got your mind already made up?
"Out," you said, right off the bat.
What good is talking about it going to do?
Well, what do you want me to do,
put your demands on a silver platter
and come crawling to you on my knees?
MAN'S VOICE: Get him! He's on his knees.
He's on his knees! We've got him.
We've got him, we've got him.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's all right, Mike.
Well, uh
let's, uh, talk about this, huh?
Now, you, uh,
say you want your allowances doubled, hmm?
Yes.
Well, suppose you had a chance
to double your allowances,
but you had to do extra work for it.
How would that be?
Well, fine. Okay.
I will, uh, work out a pay scale
for extra work you do around the house
with, uh, bonuses for doing it in a hurry
and, uh, then you get docked if you don't do it
or you don't do it when it should be done.
How's that? Okay, okay.
Now, this, uh, trampoline
and, uh, some other things in here,
that's just padding, isn't it?
Well Well, now, come on, Mike,
let's be honest with each other.
You knew I wouldn't go for everything in here,
so a lot of it is just frosting, isn't it?
Well, yeah, I guess so.
(laughing): I guess so.
Now, uh, here, Mike, extra money for gas.
What is that?
Well, I take Chip to school,
and-and I'm always hauling Bub around someplace.
I don't mind, except that, you know,
it comes out of my pocket.
Yeah, you've got a point there, Mike.
We'll work out a fair mileage allowance for gas.
We'll make it retroactive to, uh,
well, the beginning of last month.
How will that be? Oh, swell.
Of course, you understand,
we don't expect to get paid for everything we do.
I mean, we'll still do a lot of things for nothing,
aside from our regular chores. Oh, I hope so.
And I'm always good for any unexpected expenses
that might come up, like, uh
well, like your renting a tuxedo for the dance.
That shouldn't come out of your allowance.
Oh, thanks.
So you see, Mike,
it isn't all just black and white, is it?
I guess not.
Why don't you get a couple of pencils and some paper,
and we'll really get to work on this thing?
Okay.
Well, Mike, that, uh,
takes care of everything, doesn't it?
Well, I can't think of anything else.
This is going to work fine.
Of course, it's all subject
to Robbie and Chip's approval.
Oh, they'll go for it.
Don't worry.
Let's get to bed, huh?
Good thing we don't have to get up tomorrow.
Yeah clean this up
so Bub doesn't get on our necks.
(yawns)
Shh, I was not yelling. Yes, you were.
You were yelling in your sleep.
Shh. Shh, yourself!
What are you fellas doing out of bed?
Well, who can sleep when dumbo here
keeps grinding his teeth all night?
I was not grinding my teeth!
STEVE: Shh.
Bub's asleep in there Now, don't wake him up.
I was not grinding my teeth.
How can you tell what you're doing when you're asleep?
Well, I just know!
Now, come on, let's get back to bed.
I'm hungry, Dad.
Yeah, me, too.
Well, we might as well make a party, huh?
Well, how about some cake and a glass of milk?
Yeah, sure. Oh, boy.
Hey, Robbie, come and look at this.
Dad and I got this whole allowance thing worked out.
No kidding, let me see.
Dad?
Hmm?
How come you slammed the door in my face
when I only had one strike?
What are you talking about?
In that bad dream I had.
You had a bad dream, too, huh?
Hey, how come I got
to do both the backyard and the garage?
Shh, read the rest of it.
You don't expect to get paid
for doing nothing, do you?
So you see, Chip, this, uh, kind
of strike has nothing to do with baseball.
It's, uh, well, it's a way
of getting attention.
How do you mean, Dad?
Well, let's see, how can I explain it to you?
Uh, well, say you ask me nicely
for a glass of water.
Here's a fork, Rob. Thank you.
And, uh, I didn't pay any attention to you,
so you started pounding on the door
and yelling that you wanted a glass of water,
and I still didn't listen to you.
So then you said to me,
"Dad, if you don't give me a glass
"of water, I'm going on strike.
"I'm going in my room and lock the door
and never come out again."
Boy, I bet you'd
get me a glass of water then.
No, no, maybe I wouldn't.
Because, uh, well, maybe I'd get mad
and refuse to give you the water
because I didn't want to be threatened.
Then where would we be?
You would be in your room without the water, and, uh,
I wouldn't have you to talk to or to play with
or to help with the work around the house.
That'd sure be goofy.
So that's what retroactive means!
Not so loud.
Boy, that's great.
Now I'll be able to pay off both Fizzy and Streaky.
Of course, most of the time these days,
there's no need for a strike, because the boss
and the workers sit down at a table
and work out their problems, just like Mike and I did.
That way, uh, everybody comes out ahead.
BUB: Hey, Steve, for crying out loud,
what's the big idea?
Oh, Bub, we were just, uh, working here on
Hi, Bub. Do you know what time it is?
Yes, we were just going
What kind of an example is this to set these fellas?
Well, Mike and I started working
out Now don't stop to explain now.
There's no reason on Earth Go on to bed, boys.
To be sitting up at this hour
of the night chewing the rag.
Now just leave that where it is.
Just put it down there, I'll take care of it. All right.
(all say good night) Get these guys up to bed
where they belong, will you?
I do the best I can around here,
but I need a little help, you know?
Fine thing.
Steve letting those kids sit up all night
in a bull session at their age.
And I get stuck with the mess.
Dirty fireplace, dirty bathroom,
dirty dishes.
Dirty shame, that's what it is.
Well, good night, Chipper.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Dad. Good night, Rob.
See you at breakfast.
Breakfast, Dad Do we have to get up?
Uh, Rob, lunch time. Good night.
Good night, Dad. Good night, Mike.
Dad?
Thanks.
For what?
For taking the time to talk.
Oh.
Well, Mike, I guess there's not much use in being a father
if you can't, uh, find time to talk to your own sons.
Well, at least you'll never have
to worry about a strike
in the Douglas household.
I'll go on a sit-down strike.
That's what I'll do.
Get myself a little action around here.
Call attention to all the mess around this place.
I might even print a sign and picket the place.
"Douglas family unfair to household help."
That sounds pretty good to me.
I should've signed a contract.