Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e12 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
♪
All right, Billie Jo, um
Uh-oh, I lost one of my links
out of my chain gang, huh?
Billie Jo.
Be right there, Mom.
Betty Jo, you start with Uncle Joe's room.
Right, Mom. And look under the bed.
He knows this is our big cleaning day,
so he's probably hiding there.
What's this?
Oh, that must be the sheet Uncle Joe made
into the victory banner for the side of the train.
Hmm.
I was afraid all that paint wouldn't come out.
Well, I thought I'd better iron it anyway.
We're low on sheets.
Some victory special that was.
Yeah, we got clobbered 84 to nothing.
Listen, tell you what you do.
Put this on Uncle Joe's bed,
and maybe it will discourage him
from painting silly signs
all over my good linen.
Okay, Mom. Billie Jo!
Coming, Mom.
Hey.
Don't you start that.
One Zsa Zsa in the family's enough.
Mom? Mom!
I found something under Uncle Joe's bed.
I'll bet it was Uncle Joe.
It's another bed sheet, Mom,
and wait till you see what's printed on this one.
"Marrying Joe Carson"?
"Honeymoon Special"?
How does that grab you?
Kate! Kate!
Here comes the mad painter.
Quick, hide those clean sheets.
Kate, girls, we struck it rich.
I got the greatest news you
Oh, you found my banner.
Spoiled the surprise.
I'm gonna hate myself for asking,
but what's the surprise?
Wait till you hear.
Wait till I sit down.
All of you sit down.
From now on, you're gonna be leading a life of ease.
No more work.
Now, starting today, this lovely little hotel
is gonna be known as Honeymoon Haven,
home of Marrying Joe Carson,
originator of the package wedding plan
that's gonna make us all so rich,
you'll be lighting the stove with ten dollar bills.
All right, girls, let's get back to work.
Kate
Kate, l-listen to what I'm offering.
A free ride down here from town
on the Honeymoon Special,
originally known as the Hooterville Cannonball.
The wedding ceremony
performed by Judge Carson, the Marrying Judge,
the wedding supper, the honeymoon and free rice,
all thrown in for the unbelievable price
of ten dollars. Uncle Joe
We'll make this the honeymoon capital of the USA.
We'll slow Niagara Falls down
to a trickle. Uncle Joe
Where else can folks get a deal like ours?
I'll bet we even get that Burton fella
if he ever marries that, uh wh-what's her name?
Uncle Joe, when did you become a judge?
Well, I ain't one yet, but I'm on my way to Hooterville
right now to take care of that little detail.
Well, that little detail consists of getting elected.
Oh, no, it don't, Kate.
The boys are holding the train for me,
so I'll have to give it to you fast.
The justice of the peace, Dave Pierce,
just resigned his office.
It'll be two months until election.
Somebody has to fill that job for the two months.
Early this morning, I caught the train to Pixley,
and I called Sam Drucker long distance
and asked him as county judge
to appoint me justice pro tem till election.
Can Sam Drucker make you a JP?
Sure, he can, Sam's the law west of Pixley.
I'm coming, I'm coming!
By election time, I'll be the popular incumbent.
I'll be swept into office
by the thousands of grateful honeymooners
that have united in happy wedlock.
Betty, give me the banner for the Honeymoon Special.
I'd ask you all to my swearing in,
but you got too much to do:
clean up the rooms, put a wedding cake in the oven,
practice that wedding march on the piano
and singing, "Oh, Promise Me" and stuff like that.
And thinking of ways of spending
all that money we're gonna make.
Well, Mom, what do you think?
I'm worried.
I'm awful worried, girls.
I thought it sounded pretty good.
Yeah, me, too. Yeah.
That's what worries me It sounded too good.
Will you stop swooping that pen around
and start signing?
I want to get up to Lost Lake before dark.
I hear they seen a 14-point buck up by the lake.
Boy, would I like to get him in my sights.
A 14-point buck.
Will you stop swooping that gun and start swearing?
Oh, all right.
Do you solemnly swear to perform your duties
as temporary justice of the peace in the proper manner?
Sam, I'm going to perform my duties so good
that folks from all over the country are going to come
to Hooterville and ask for Justice Joe Carson,
the man who
Joe, just say, "I do so swear." I do so swear.
That makes it official, as soon as you get
that document countersigned and recorded
by the county clerk at the courthouse.
Joseph Carson, justice of the peace.
Not until you get that document recorded at the courthouse.
I'm on my way, Sam.
So long, Joe.
Tell Kate I'll bring her some venison.
So long, Sam.
Why isn't Charley helping you?
You sent him over to the marriage license bureau
to drum up business.
Oh, yeah.
You better let me do that, Floyd.
You've been riding this wobbly train so long
on these crooked old tracks,
you wouldn't know straight when you see it.
Don't call the Hooterville Cannonball wobbly.
Don't call the Hooterville Cannonball
"the Hooterville Cannonball".
From now on, she's the Honeymoon Special.
Joe Listen, Joe.
No, no, no more Joe.
From now on, you boys call me judge
or justice or Your Honor.
Okay.
Listen, Joe, I seen this young couple
coming out of the marriage license bureau,
and I told them about your package deal.
They're all set to take it.
Good work, Charley.
Is that them?
Yeah.
Come on, kids, don't be bashful.
Shake hands with the fella that's gonna marry you:
Joe uh, Judge Carson.
Hello, young lovers.
How do you do, sir?
I'm Walter Shepherd, and this is
Elsie Gregg.
But she'll soon be Elsie Shepherd.
Mrs. Walter Shepherd.
Yeah, but I'll still call you Elsie.
Oh, I want you to, always.
Excuse me, kids.
I hate to bust in, but it's time
to say, "All aboard for Shady Rest."
Honeymoon Haven.
Well, whatever it is, all aboard for it.
See you at the hotel, kids.
I'll stand up for you, Walt.
Would you young folks like
to board the Honeymoon Special?
Oh, would you, Walt?
Would you, Elsie?
Why, I'd love to.
I love the way you say, "love".
All aboard the Honeymoon Special ♪
Those first sweet violets ♪
Of early spring ♪
Which come in whispers ♪
Thrill us both and sing ♪
Of love unspeakable ♪
That is to be ♪
Oh, promise me ♪
Oh, promise me ♪
Floyd, stop that.
I thought it was pretty.
But this is a solemn occasion.
Oh.
Floyd, you and Charley over there.
You're the groom's witnesses.
And Bobbie, you and Kate over there.
You're the bride's witnesses.
Now join hands.
Not us.
We're just witnessin'.
Are you ready?
I do.
I mean, I am.
Walter and Elsie,
we're gathered here to unite you
in the bonds of matrimony.
You know, you two have the honor of being the first couple
I've ever married, and I'd appreciate it
if you'd tell all your single friends
about my unusual package deal,
'cause, you know, you get the trip
out here from town, the ceremony,
the wedding supper, cake, the
Joe, this is no time for a commercial.
Oh oh, oh.
Then, I'll start right from the beginning again.
And go on to the ending.
Walter and Elsie,
we're gathered here to unite you
in the bonds of matrimony.
All right, everybody,
a toast to the bride and groom,
Mr. and Mrs. Walter Shepherd.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Oh, that sounds so wonderful.
Well, how does it feel to be actually married?
How do you feel, Elsie?
Well, how do you feel?
I feel just like you feel.
I feel exactly the same way.
It's a wonderful feeling, isn't it?
It sure is.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen
Ladies and gentlemen,
may the bride and groom propose a toast?
Sure, sure. Go ahead.
My wife and I would like to propose a toast
to the marvelous man who married us,
Justice of the Peace Joseph Carson.
To Joe.
Now, let's have a little of that cake.
Uncle Joe
I want to apologize for doubting you.
This is such a happy, wonderful occasion.
This is only the beginning, Kate.
You'll have to hire you one of them CPAs
to count all your money.
Oh, I don't care if we lose money.
Having weddings here is gonna be such a joy.
Oh, I love you, Uncle Joe.
Judge Carson in front of folks.
Oh.
Joseph Carson, justice of the peace.
Not till you get that document recorded at the courthouse.
What's the matter?
You look a little green around the gills.
Charley, what time's the courthouse close?
About 5:00.
What time is it now?
About 9:00.
What time does it open in the morning?
It don't; Tomorrow's Saturday.
Oh, me.
You feel all right, Joe?
I mean, Judge.
Just call me Joe.
We're friends.
Let's hurry up and get the rice before she comes in.
Oh! Give me some of that rice.
Here you go.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, here they come, here they come!
There you go. Good luck!
Good luck.
Just a minute! Come back here!
Uncle Joe, what's the matter?
What are you doing?
I'm seeing that these kids get what they paid for
The whole package deal.
And that includes, uh includes a wedding picture!
Yeah, you got to have your wedding picture took.
Uh, y-you want a picture of this happy moment, don't you?
Well, yes, I'd love one.
I love the way you say "love."
See, Kate?
You was gonna shortchange them
out of their wedding picture.
Well, all right, get your camera and take their picture.
You'll have to excuse me.
I want to get the girls started in the kitchen.
Thank you for everything, Mrs. Bradley.
It was a wonderful wedding supper.
Gee, I don't know who you'd call the captain of a train.
I think it'd be the conductor.
Why do you ask, Joe?
Well, the captain of a ship can marry people.
I thought maybe the captain of a train could, too.
In an emergency.
Oh, I don't think so.
Only competition you got around here is Judge Drucker.
And he'll be up at Lost Lake for a week.
Yeah.
Well, thanks, boys.
Thank you for the bouquet.
It was nice to be here. Congratulations.
Bye.
Now, because you're my first couple,
besides the package deal, I'm
gonna give you a bonus surprise.
What is it?
A moonlight canoe ride on Lost Lake.
Tonight?
Now, wait, this ain't an ordinary canoe ride.
This is a combination canoe
ride and Indian wedding ceremony
performed by Deer Slayer himself,
old big Chief Drucker.
But we're already married.
Not Indian style. You'll love it.
Did you get the wedding pictures?
You wait right here.
Kate, the kids want to go up to Lost Lake
for a moonlight canoe ride.
Tonight?! Shh!
You'll embarrass them.
Walter and Elsie, I wouldn't recommend
trying to go to Lost Lake tonight.
Why, you'd have to hike through the woods in the dark.
We don't want to go, Mrs. Bradley.
No, it was Judge Carson's idea.
Well, it's ridiculous.
Why, you might get lost
and have to spend your wedding night there.
Kate, let me talk to you alone.
You wait right here; I'll be back.
Sit down, Kate.
Uncle Joe, I got a terrible feeling
that something's awful wrong.
Oh, not at all.
Up till now, everything's gone as smooth as butter.
What do you mean "up till now"?
Well, for the rest of the evening,
we got a teensy little problem on our hand.
What teensy little problem?
Them two kids ain't married.
Oh, no!
I won't be a legal justice of the peace until Monday.
That's why I wanted to take them kids up to Lost Lake,
get Sam Drucker to marry them.
They can't hike up to Lost Lake on their wedding night!
It ain't exactly their wedding night.
Don't you dare tell them!
Getting a start in life like that could ruin them.
Oh, those poor kids.
What'll we do?
You're gonna hike up to Lost Lake
and bring Sam Drucker back here.
All alone?
Oh, take Floyd or Charley. They're out in the kitchen.
Now, move.
While I try and think of something.
Wait a minute!
Uh, Walter, tell me something.
Um do you like hot, fluffy
buttermilk pancakes for breakfast?
I sure do.
Come on, Elsie, I'll show you how to make them!
On our honeymoon?
Look who's here.
Hi, Elsie. Hi.
Hi, Elsie.
Betty Jo, you get Elsie an apron, huh?
An apron? Yes, an apron, apron.
Well, Mom, surely the bride isn't
going to wash dishes on her wedding night.
Of course not.
She's gonna make pancakes.
Your mother thinks I should
learn how to make pancakes for Walter.
Tonight?
Listen, young lady,
you could learn a lesson from this.
Oh, sure, honeymoons are fine and exciting and romantic,
but a smart bride learns
how to keep her marriage exciting forever.
And you think she can do that with pancakes?
Why don't you go in the lobby and keep Walt company.
Hey, swell!
Does he like to dance?
Uh Just a minute.
Floyd, why don't you go in the lobby and keep Walt company.
Sure will, Kate.
Does he play checkers?
Why, I don't know.
Well, sure he does.
Now take off your apron and run along.
Now then, Elsie's all ready
for her pancake lesson.
Mom And I'll do the talking.
Elsie?
No. My name's Floyd, Floyd Smoot.
We met earlier, remember?
Yeah.
Sure.
Boy, sit right down here.
We're gonna have us a checker tournament.
Checker tournament?
Don't you play checkers?
Well, yeah, I have.
But this is my honeymoon.
Okay, we'll play hearts.
No.
Checkers are fine.
Joe, you said you knew the way to Lost Lake.
I did, but that was before it got lost.
Very funny.
What do we do now?
Wait a minute, Charley.
I got my bearings.
I recognize that old bristly cone pine tree over there.
So do I; We passed it 20 minutes ago.
Well, don't get excited, Charley.
We'll find Sam.
Hello!
Hello!
There he is.
That's your echo.
Oh.
Well, let's follow that and see where it takes us.
Oh, Elsie, you're getting the hang of it just fine.
Walter's gonna be so proud of you.
Oh, I just hope he remembers me.
Think those are about ready.
Oh, my!
Just look at that golden brown color.
And they're so light and fluffy.
Elsie, this is the best batch so far.
Hey, you know something, Kate?
It's a lucky thing I got ahold of this boy.
He needs checker lessons something awful.
I whupped him 140 straight games.
He can't keep his mind on the game.
Elsie, did you cook all those pancakes?
Yes, I did.
Well, honey, I hope you won't get mad at me,
but there's something I got to tell you.
What?
I can't eat that big a breakfast.
Mom, Floyd, can I see you a second?
No sign of Uncle Joe and Charley.
Oh, dear!
What am I gonna do with Walt and Elsie?
Floyd and I could take them for a train ride.
That's a good idea.
You two go down and fire up the boiler.
And hurry.
Kids?
Walt?! Elsie?!
Walter Shh!
I think we've lost her.
Let's get our suitcases and get out of here.
Mrs. Bradley.
How did you get up there?
Up the back stairs through the kitchen.
I have to have a little talk with you two.
We're awful tired, Mrs. Bradley.
Yeah, could we talk about it tomorrow?
This is the kind of talk that can't be put off.
Now, just sit down.
Well there's sure nothing like a honeymoon!
Sure nothing like it around here.
That's very funny.
Elsie, you're very lucky.
You got a husband with a sense of humor.
Oh, I think I'm lucky.
I'm the lucky one.
Well, you're both lucky, you're both lucky.
But you know something, it takes more than luck
to make a marriage a success.
Oh, there are the dangers and the pitfalls
that you have to guard against.
For example, you got to watch out for HLD.
HLD?
Honeymoon letdown.
You mean it gets worse?
She's got a sense of humor, too.
Oh, isn't that wonderful.
Honest, Mrs. Bradley, we don't want to take a train ride.
But it's part of the package.
Do us a favor and keep the rest of the package.
Don't you want the honeymoon?
Oh, yes, we want that.
Well, then you have to take a train ride.
All part of the same package.
Come on, kids, can't keep the train waiting.
We might as well go, Elsie.
Maybe we can catch a little nap.
I hope so.
I'm just dead on my feet.
Oh, any sign of Joe and Charley yet?
Not a sign, Mom.
Now what are you gonna do, Mom?
I got one last desperate idea.
But I'm gonna need your help. Come on.
Elsie, I'd carry you over the threshold,
but I don't think I can get over it myself.
I know what you mean, darling.
I don't care what the rest of the package is,
we're taking the honeymoon and that's all.
I'm with you.
Oh, Walter, look!
It can't be.
What could've happened?
Termites.
Isn't it terrible?
Termites?
Thank goodness the building inspector was staying here,
and he caught it before anybody got hurt.
Well, there's still the back stairs.
Come on, Walt.
Oh, no, they're even worse.
He had to tear those out altogether.
Mom?
Mom, they're coming.
But they're carrying Mr. Drucker.
Carrying him?
Sam, are you hurt?
No, these idiots woke me out of a sound sleep,
and I got the zipper jammed.
We offered to cut him out of it, but he's too cheap.
This is a $60 sleeping bag!
Well, prop him up.
We got to get those poor kids married.
By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
You may kiss the bride.
All right, boys, carry Sam out in the kitchen,
and I'll feed him while you work on that zipper.
Take it easy.
Watch my head.
Help me, girls, huh?
Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a Filmways Presentation. ♪