The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e12 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
Yes, sir, I'd do
things a lot different
if I was running things
down in Washington, I would.
A lot different.
You know, I got
a pretty good idea
of what I'd do if
I was president.
You know what I'd
do if I was president?
Mr. President, is it all
right if I scratch my nose?
I tell you what I'd
do if I was president.
For one thing, I'd move my
office out of the White House.
A man can't work and live in
the same place as he's employed.
I tried living right here
Back of the shop once.
But it was no good.
The old lady
yammering on the phone.
Cooking smells
coming out of the walls.
It was bad for business.
Floyd, you ain't gettin' them
sideburns too short, are you?
Now, just suppose
that I'm the president,
and I'm having a meeting
with the prime minister,
or maybe one of them
kings from the old country.
And my old lady,
she comes bustin' in.
She says, "Floyd, what
you want for supper,
pork roast or hog jowls?"
I believe he's got the left
one a little short, Barney.
That one ain't short;
the right one's too long.
Floyd, if you'd stay
out of Washington
and stick to your barbering,
I might get a better haircut!
Oh, what did you do
with my sideburns?!
Howdy, boys.
You got the left
one short, Floyd.
No, the left one's all right;
the right one's too long.
Aw, Andy, you tell me.
How do these
sideburns look to you?
What sideburns?
Doggone, I knew it!
You always do this.
You're clipper-happy.
What are you fussing about?
My sideburns! Where are they?
Are they on the side
or they on the top?
Oh, neither place.
They're right here on the floor.
Floyd, I told you. I
said I just wanted a trim
and you clipped the daylights
out of me, for heaven's sakes.
Well, now, we'll
just fix you right up.
Let me have them
shears there, Floyd.
What are you gonna do, Andy?
Well, now, now, you see,
you see, what you're
supposed to do,
you're supposed to
make them sideburns
come up even with
the hole in his ear.
You see that right there?
Now, next time what you do,
you stick your finger
in his ear for a guide.
Sit down right over
there. I'll show you.
Now, what-what are
you gonna do, Andy?
I'm just gonna even
up them sideburns.
And get up here!
No, you're no barber.
Well, Floyd ain't
neither, but you let him.
Now stop it, Andy!
Hold still, hold still.
This ain't gonna
hurt. Don't, don't
It won't hurt one bi-bi-bit
( grunting)
There she is.
Now, how's that
look to everybody?
The left one's still a
wee mite short, Andy.
See there?
The right one's way shorter.
I'm gonna fix that scoundrel.
Now, let's just leave
Hold still now.
Now, now, now, now
( grunting)
There she is, there.
Now, Floyd, how's
that look to you?
Is he still in the chair?
There. There. Now you know.
He's blind as an owl.
I don't cut from here.
I cut from there.
Next time I want a haircut,
I'm gonna stick my head
in a pencil sharpener.
Certainly. It'll fit, too.
Oh, blow it out of your ear!
Oh, now, Barney,
don't get so upset.
This is just a friendly
community haircut.
Now, you just let
them sideburns grow,
and inside of a month,
you'll look like one of
them bullfighting fellas.
( horn honking)
Must be the bus from
up north coming in.
Yeah. Must be.
A stranger just got off.
Looks like he's headed this way.
Let me just get this little
Pike's Peak right here.
You want anything on your head?
Yeah, hair.
Hi.
Hello, Andy.
Floyd.
Howdy.
What you doing?
Oh, we was just
giving Barney a haircut.
Well, make it a good
one. Deputy Sheriff's
got to look neat.
How's your rheumatism, Floyd?
Usually acts up
about this time of year.
Huh? Oh, yes, it does.
Well, I hope you feel better,
so you can throw
a few horseshoes.
Well, see you later.
Oh, uh, say hello to Opie
and Aunt Bee for me, Andy.
Anybody know that fella?
Not me.
I never seen him in my life.
How did he know
about my rheumatism?
Yeah, and how did
he know I was a deputy
when I was all covered
up with this sheet?
Well, that's peculiar, ain't it?
Mighty peculiar.
I'm a right mind to
follow him a ways.
I'm going with you, Andy.
Here you are, Floyd.
Go buy a barber book.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Buntley.
Hello.
My, your twins
certainly are cute.
Thank you.
Little Robert there
is sleeping just fine,
but William is wide
awake, the little rascal.
You know which one's
Robert and which is William?
Uh-huh. William has a little
mole on his right ear, right?
Yes.
Good day, Mrs. Buntley.
Now, how did he?
Oh, my, I
Andy, that fella, he
knew which one had
I-I know.
It gets more
peculiar all the time.
Well, howdy, stranger.
You want a room?
Sure do.
Sign here.
MAN: There you are.
209. Just up the stairs
209?
The one Wilbur
Hennessey got drunk in
and fell out the window?
Well, uh, what do you want?
Hmm give me 216.
Not that green is
my favorite color
but at least it's
been freshly painted.
All right, stranger,
you can have 216.
See you later, Jason.
Sheriff, uh, Ed
sawyer, New York.
Mean anything to anybody?
Mighty peculiar having a perfect
stranger knowing all about you.
Kind of scary like.
Just ain't natural.
Let me go up and ask
him a few questions, Andy.
No. We better wait on that.
You can't trust a fella
like that, no, sirree.
No, he knows too much.
Wish you'd give me a
few minutes alone with him.
JASON: Andy, you're the sheriff.
What are you gonna do about
that suspicious character?
Well, as long as he ain't
done nothing outside the law,
I ain't gonna do nothing.
Well, I'd sure like to
go up and talk to him.
That fella sure gives
a body the creeps.
I saw a show once on television
where a stranger knew all
about all the folks in the town
and you know how it turned out?
The stranger was
not a living being.
He was something from
the supernatural world.
You going up and
talk to him, Barney?
Huh? No. Oh, I mean
Well, what's the hurry?
The man ain't done nothin'.
Just leave him be.
Right, Sheriff?
Right, Deputy.
Well, well, come on, break
it up! Let's get moving here!
Hi, Jason.
I'm going out for a little walk.
If anyone should call me,
I'll be back in about
an hour, okay?
Okay.
See you later, Jason.
So long, Barney.
Who do you figure
him to be, Barney?
I don't rightly know yet.
I'm gonna keep my eye on him.
What's his room number again?
216, huh?
Well, Mr. Sawyer,
I'm just gonna have to have
a look around your room.
( yells)
Oh, howdy, Barney.
Oh, hi, Andy.
What are you doing back there?
Huh? Oh, nothing.
I just stopped by
to talk to Jason.
Well, what's in there?
In where?
In that box there.
Oh, in there?
Nothing in there.
Well, what do you got
your hand in there for?
Oh, I just come
by every so often
and stick my hand in.
You do?
Mm-hmm. See, sometimes I
do it with both hands. Looky here.
( snap) ( yells)
Well, Barney
Well, what are you doing
Off, off, off. Just get it off!
Just get them off of me.
What in the world are you?
Off!
All right.
( chuckling)
You don't trust
anybody, do you, Jason?
What's going on?
I don't understand.
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, dadburn it, George.
What's wrong with a stranger
trying to buy your
service station?
It's for sale, ain't it?
Well, what if he is
a little bit peculiar?
What's that got to do with it?
You just call me
if he tries to give you
any peculiar money.
Yeah, bye, George.
Who's peculiar, Paw?
Oh, I reckon
everybody is a little bit.
I'm part peculiar, Paw.
Yeah? How'd you find that out?
Well, today, my
teacher, she said to me,
did I wash my neck this
morning? And I said I did
and she took a look
and then she said
"Well, it looks mighty
peculiar to me."
You know what it means?
Mm-hmm. It means dirty.
No. No, it don't.
It means "strange" or "odd."
Let me see.
Huh, that is peculiar.
You better go home
and wash your neck.
Okay, Paw.
Hi, Barney. Howdy, Barney.
Andy, I got to talk to you.
What's the matter?
Well, it's about this stranger.
Well, what'd he do?
Well, he seen me coming
down the street towards him
and he shoved his hand
in his pocket real fast.
You reckon he's got a gun?
Oh, no. I don't think so.
Well, he's acting mighty
strange, I'll tell you that.
And how do you suppose
he knows so much about us?
I don't know.
And who is he? What is he?
I don't know. Maybe we
ought to run him out of town.
Oh, Barney, if I was to
run everybody out of town
that acted a little bit strange,
I'd wind up emptying
the whole town.
Might have to reach
around and get a good hold
on the seat of my own britches.
How long do you suppose
he's been spying on us?
Say, do you reckon he
could be a foreign spy?
Oh, he don't
sound foreign to me.
Yeah, well, they learn to
talk better than any of us.
Remember Tokyo Rose?
This boy ain't Tokyo Rose.
I know that. But who is he?
Boy, if he is a foreign spy,
I'd sure like to be
the one to trap him.
I know just how to do it, too.
Oh, you do, do you?
Mm-hmm.
Well, you just better
just be careful about
Hi, Andy.
Well, Mr. Sawyer.
How are you, stranger?
Y-You know Barney
here, of course.
Oh, sure. Hiya, Barney.
Sprechen sie deutsch?
Uh, nothing. Nothing.
I'll see you later, Andy.
What was that about?
Oh, nothing.
Just Barney's way
of trying to find out
something about you.
We don't none of us know
much about you, you know.
No. I guess you don't.
Uh, I, uh, I understand
you want to buy George
Sapperly's gas station.
Yeah. That's what I came
over to see you about.
When we draw up the papers,
would you be a witness for me?
I'd appreciate it.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I could do that.
Thanks, Andy.
Thanks a lot.
Uh
You, uh
You figure that will be
a good deal for you, do you?
Oh, yeah.
He's let it run down a little,
but I can fix it up fine.
Well, so long, Andy.
Uh, uh
Am I right or-or-or wrong,
you you never have been
in Mayberry before, have you?
No, never.
But you figure to be happy here?
Are you kidding?
Why shouldn't I be?
Oh, uh, I don't know.
Why should you be?
Why, because
Mayberry's my hometown.
So long, Andy.
( door shuts)
Curious, curious, cu-u-rious.
Bad news. Bad, bad
news everywhere.
Didn't have no rain last
summer and that hurt the crops,
and now I see where
there's a early frost
that has hurt the
peach crop this year.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Ain't that a shame
in this world?
Ain't that a shame
in this world?
Well, now, there's
some good news.
Ol' man Joe MacKnight
celebrates his 103rd birthday.
What do you think about that?
Reporters asked him what advice
he could give to the young folks
for a long, happy
and vigorous life.
Old Joe raised up,
leaned forward, smiled
and then fell back
to sleep again.
Andy
Next!
You go back to sleep, Floyd.
We're a whole
lot safer that way.
What is it, Barney?
Well, now maybe you'll
finally do something.
We got him now.
Huh?
Well, I guess this
oughta do it for you
for once and for all.
He finally overplayed his hand.
Now, you gonna do something?
Wh-What are you, what are
you talking about, Barney?
Wh-Wh-What do you want me to do?
I'm talking about Ed Sawyer.
That's what I'm talking about.
Now, you gonna do
something or ain't you?
We oughta move in right now.
Well, what'd he do?
What'd he do? I'll
tell you what he did.
He's been hanging around
Lucy Matthews's house.
And?
And he rang her doorbell.
So?
So, now's the time to arrest him
and bring this dangerous
fella in for questioning.
Yeah, well, what are you
gonna arrest this
dangerous fella for?
What for?
Well, for ringing her doorbell.
Barney, you can't arrest
him for ringing her doorbell.
I can't?!
Well, last Halloween,
I drug three
12-year-old boys in.
Oh, Barney.
And this fella ain't even got
the excuse of trick-or-treat.
I admit he's a curious one
and I wonder about
him a whole lot,
but we'll just have
to leave him alone.
I reckon we'll find out
something 'bout him by and by.
Yeah, well, I still say
there's a way of trapping him.
And I still think he's
some kind of a spy.
Oh, you do?
Yes, I do.
And you figure
somebody here in
town is his contact
and maybe between 'em,
they're trying to figure out
some of our secrets like
how we make possum pie
or how we make turnip jam
Law-aw! You don't reckon
he's here snooping 'round,
trying to find out how
we make fried chicken
and johnnycake, do you?
Go ahead, make,
make jokes about it.
Well, Barney, what
do you want me to do?
( moaning)
Oh, we better get out of here.
We're disturbing Floyd.
Next!
Just a fly, a fly.
Oh.
I wish you'd stop
messing around
and tend to business.
Well, I don't know why
we don't just run him in.
Well, he ain't
done nary a thing.
Well, I still say he's a spy.
ED: Andy!
Well, Mr. Sawyer, how are you?
Fine.
What do you say, Barney?
Habla usted espanoly?
What?
Nothing.
He's kinda kooky, isn't he?
Ye-Yeah, a little
bit, but he's nice.
Say, Andy, I wonder if
you could do me a favor.
Well, if I can.
Come on in here
in the courthouse
and tell me about it.
Let me get you a chair
and you can tell me
what I can do for you.
Well, you, uh
you know Lucy
Matthews, don't you?
Yeah. I understand you
been calling on her a little bit.
Well, I spoke to
her on the phone
but she won't
have any part of me
and I can't get her
to answer the door.
Won't, huh?
She's pretty, isn't she?
She's nice, too,
isn't she?
Yeah.
Why-why do you want to know?
I love her.
Y-Y-You love her?
You've never seen her?
No.
But you love her?
Yeah.
You believe folks will
ever fly to the moon?
Sure.
I'm going there myself someday.
Boy, you're already there.
Now, what, uh, what was it
you wanted me to do
about you and Lucy?
Well, since you know her
( door opening)
Sheriff, I've come
to file a complaint.
Oh, hello, Lucy.
Lucy!
Lucy Matthews.
You're just like I expected.
Sheriff!
Uh, Ed, don't you think
it might be a pretty good idea
if I was to introduce you?
Oh, that's not necessary.
I know everything about her.
You do?
You were valedictorian
of your class.
Blue's your favorite color,
you love to dance,
you like hot fudge sundaes,
you're a Capricorn,
and I'm just warming up.
Uh, I wouldn't get
much warmer there, Ed.
I might have to run you in.
I know you better than
anybody could know you.
Now, look, I've never
seen you before in my life
and I think you're crazy.
I know he is.
Now, will you please
stop ringing my doorbell?
ED: Lucy!
What did I do?
Well, I don't know.
You'll have to admit
that was kind of
an unusual meeting.
You don't think I was
too forward the first time?
Forward? Why, no!
I'm surprised you didn't
ask her to marry you.
What's the matter with you, boy?
You shy or something?
I-I guess I scared her.
Well, now, in a way, I'd say
yes, you did scare her
just the least little bit.
You've scared a right
many people around here.
George Sapperly
What do you mean?
Well, you scared him out of
selling you that gas station.
But it's for sale.
He said that
Yeah, yeah, i-it's for sale
but not to you.
Oh
It didn't work.
It's as simple as that.
It just didn't work.
Well, what didn't work?
Now, you're leaving out a
right good part of it there.
Why don't you start
right at the very beginning
and tell me everything
about what didn't work?
Well, it-it may sound kinda
silly, but, but here goes.
Do you remember Joe Larson?
Yeah, yeah, Pete
and Edie Larson's boy.
Joined the army 'bout
five or six years ago.
That's right, and when I
did my hitch, I was his buddy.
Oh, I used to envy Joe Larson.
How come?
'Cause he was from here
and, and I was from no place.
Well, now, nobody's
from no place.
Oh, living alone,
hotel, no family
That's like being no place.
Anyway, I used to read
Joe's hometown paper.
Read it every week.
Uh-huh.
A-and I used to listen
to Joe tell about the place
and, well, when I
got back to New York,
at the hotel I lived in,
I kept on subscribing
to the paper.
I learned everything there
was to know about Mayberry.
Pretty soon
I started telling people
that I came from here.
All of a sudden, I
started believing it myself.
You did?
Yeah.
And when I read
George Sapperly's
gas station was for sale
I figured the time had come
for me to make my
move to Mayberry
My hometown.
Huh!
Well, how come
you didn't tell us that
when you first got here?
Oh, guess I was awful stupid.
No, now, no,
y-you're not stupid.
A little bit overanxious maybe.
You like the town.
You like that little girl.
But you got to give
them time, you see,
to like you back.
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
Yes, sirree.
Folks like to take things slow.
Some people don't
even hold hands in public
till they've had their
seventh or eighth young'un.
You know what's the truth?
This would make a right
good piece for our paper.
Oh, Andy, I don't
Yes, yes, it would.
Folks would read about
you, and they'd get to see
that you're just
like everybody else
and that, that you ain't a spook
nor a foreign spy nor nothing.
You really think it would work?
Yes, sirree.
I'll just call the paper
and tell them about it
and they'll print it.
Yes, sir.
Exactly what I'll do.
Now, you go on back to the hotel
and don't worry nary a bit.
Okay, I-I'll be at the hotel.
All right.
I-I'll wait for you to call.
All right.
Uh, Sara?
Me.
Uh, S-Sara, get me the paper.
I got a story
'bout that stranger
that's in town
that you will not believe.
I want you to know
you will not believe it.
What?
You-You-You-You're
provoked with him?
He knows you take a pinch of
snuff now and then, does he?
Wait until you find out how
come he knows so much about us.
( crowd shouting angrily)
Come on!
Come on!
What have you done, come on?!
You see, what
Wait a minute, Sara.
I hear a little, little scuffling
outside the jail here.
Let me, let me call you back.
All, all right.
( clamoring)
Why don't you leave him alone?
Maybe he'd just like to go home.
Yeah, all the way home
where he come from!
Yeah!
( clamoring)
ANDY: Wait a minute.
Hey, what's going on?
What, what in the world
are you all trying to do?
What's the matter
with you, Bill?
What are you trying
to fight him for?
I don't like the way
he's been hanging
He ain't done nothing to you.
He's been bothering Lucy.
ANDY: He ain't
been bothering you
or your sister Lucy
or anybody else.
I know why you're
trying to fight him.
I know why everybody
here wants to fight him.
ANDY: You're just letting
Bill Matthews do it for you.
Y'all are trying to run
this boy out of town.
Don't, Andy. Just let me go.
No, I'm bound to say this
and they're bound
to listen, too.
Now, what's his big crime?
What's this boy done to
make all of you so mad at him?
Nothing. Not nar' a thing.
He just picked Mayberry to
be his hometown, that's all.
ANDY: Just picked it
right out. Picked it right out.
And how come he knows
so much about everybody?
He'd been taking our
hometown paper by mail.
Been reading and
studying up on everybody.
And then he decided he
wanted to come here and live,
fit in and act like one of you.
His only crime was he
tried to fit in a little too fast.
Got overanxious about it.
Made some of
you feel suspicious.
Made some of you feel foolish.
Scared some of you.
But out of all the towns,
he picked Mayberry
to be his hometown.
It looks like to
me, you'd be proud
to have a fella who
thinks so much of you
to want to come and settle
down and live amongst you.
Andy, forget it.
I don't blame you.
I don't blame you nar' a
bit for wanting to forget it.
Some fellas pick
the wrong woman.
I reckon you picked
the wrong town.
I wouldn't blame you
nar' a bit if you left here
and never set one
foot in here again
and the way I feel right now,
I've a great mind
to go with you.
LUCY: Mr. Sawyer, um
I-I would be very happy if
you would like to call on me
tonight.
Huh?
Stop by the gas
station later, son.
We'll draw up the papers.
Well, I
Rates at the hotel are cheaper
by the month, son.
Well!
BARNEY: All right, all
right, let's break it up!
Let's move it along.
You're congregating unlawfully.
You know, I always had
a feeling about him, Andy.
Oh, I-I know, I never
said nothing 'bout it,
but he's all right.
Yeah.
You like him, do you?
Yeah.
Sprechen the Deutsch?
Well, Ed, long as you're
going to live with us
and you're going
to be one of us,
why, you might
as well look like us.
Floyd!
Next! Go get 'em Floyd.
Remember about the sideburns.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
( whistling sprightly tune)