The Last Man On Earth (2015) s01e12 Episode Script

- Phil's been missing for about 24 hours.
- No! - This guy belong to you? - Oh, my God.
- That guy's handsome.
- I like you.
Yeah, but you don't love me.
I'm Phil.
Phil Miller.
No, I'm Phil Miller.
Maybe you should both go by your middle names.
Phil, what's your middle name? - Tandy.
- Tandy? - Carol? Do you like this guy? - You jealous? - Of course not.
- Good night, Tandy.
Wow.
I'm blown away.
So, why's it living up here now? Phil.
So new, so naive.
She wandered up here on her own.
And any real cattleman knows that a cow can't go down stairs.
Shoot, you can make a cow do just about anything if you show her who's boss.
Hyah! Hyah! She's going down the stairs! - What? - Wow! Well, all it takes is a firm slap and an authoritative tone, you can make a cow do whatever you want.
Doesn't just work on cows, hon.
- Come on, let's go after her.
- Okay.
Go ahead.
Thank you so much, Phil.
That was amazing.
Oh, you're welcome.
Friggin' Phil.
Friggin' Phil.
What's all this? Oh.
Phil built it for the cow.
Isn't it nice? Oh, yeah, I'm sure she loves it, you know.
She provides milk to us and in return, we thank her by locking her up like Charles Manson.
So, uh, how was your little trip over to see Phil last night? Ooh, someone's jealous! Carol, please.
It's me, the Tandyman.
I'm not the jealous type.
Admit it! You're afraid that the new buck in town is gonna spray all over your turf.
Carol, look around you! Every inch of this place is already covered in layers and layers of Tandy Miller spray.
You see it, I've doused it.
And he knows that.
Well, I think Phil's gonna be a very positive addition to our community.
- Mmm.
- He said he's even gonna clean out the garbage pool.
So, what then we just have an empty pool? Where are we gonna put all our garbage? I'm sure he has a plan.
Why don't you ask him? Maybe I'll do that.
Where is he? He's over at Frick and Frack's house.
They asked him to help fix their broken generator.
Oldest trick in the book.
Maybe I ought to go lend a hand on fixing that generator.
Yeah, I can't find anything wrong with this thing.
It seems to be working just fine.
Well, that's weird, because it was making this horrible, horrible sound.
- Yeah.
It was like Hong - Clang.
Hong clang, hong clang.
- Okay.
- Yeah, just a real gumbo of sounds.
Hello! Did someone call for a generator repair backup? Because the Tandyman is in the hizzy.
In the house.
No need, Tandy.
Phil already fixed it.
I didn't do anything.
Great.
Well, let me just double-check his work.
Okay, let's see what we got here.
- Hey, Carol.
- Oh, hi.
Thanks so much for the pie.
You know, I haven't had fresh food in two years.
Oh, you know, if it's food you're after, I can make you a real home-cooked meal.
'Cause I used to be a chef.
Oh, wow.
But nothing too fancy.
I'm a simple guy.
Oh, I am I'm a simple girl.
- Yeah.
- So we have that in common.
Not as simple as me, though.
- They used to call me Simple Gail.
- Oh! Don't sell yourself short, Gail.
You're an incredibly complex woman.
No, no.
I'm not.
So, Phil So where you gonna live? I don't know.
Uh, I haven't found anything yet.
Well, you know, uh, this cul-de-sac's pretty full, but there are a lot of great houses on the outskirts of town.
Phoenix is beautiful, too.
Oh, nonsense! You could just stay here.
- We have plenty of room here.
- So, so much room.
- You should move in with us.
- Well, uh You know, now that you got the goll-dang cow out of my house, I'm all alone.
And divorced.
So I have plenty of room.
Yeah, um Got yourself a real Sophie's Choice here, Phil.
But I got a housing option that might just help you.
Huh? Bro it the hell out! Move in with me.
Huh? A little bachelor pad action.
We got the weight bench.
We can spot each other.
Well, let me, uh Don't you want to be my friend? Come on, choose this Sophie.
Sure, yeah.
Let's do it.
Yeah, do it, yeah.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Yeah! Great.
Thanks, ladies.
Broken generator.
Nice try.
What's all this? - Hey! - Hey! Look at this, huh? You got a class B commercial license to operate this thing? I do.
I was just kidding, but good for you.
I picked this up to handle the garbage pool situation.
You need any help or - No.
We're good.
- We? Take it easy, Tom.
- It's Todd.
- All right, Tom.
It's Todd! Whoo-hoo! Faster! Hey, Todd! Whoo! Frickin' Phil.
- There you are.
- Tandy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Trust you've had a chance to take a look around, huh? - I did.
Yeah.
- Good, good.
Obviously, mi casa es tu casa.
That goes without saying.
If you ever want to have any guests over, just run it by me, standard stuff.
Anyway, toilet paper's under the sink.
Got about a million toothbrushes under there, too.
All different sizes.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm a large to extra large.
Wait, what the heck is that? Oh, you know, riding around in the garbage truck sort of inspired me to build this.
Oh.
The flash heater connects to the water reservoir.
I jacked up the water pressure.
Basically, it feels like a shower.
Oh! - Good for you.
- All right.
I'm gonna I'm gonna take a shower.
Can you excuse me? I'm gonna jump in the shower now.
Right now.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Five, six! All right.
So, hey, what do you guys think, huh? And be honest.
This is a good body, right? I mean, I don't have that weird V thing that he does that kind of points your eyes down to your business.
But these snakes can bite.
Huh? Oh, speaking of snakes.
What do you think of this bad boy? Huh? It's fine, right? I know it's not gonna win any penis awards.
But there aren't penis awards.
So, whatever, you know? And the thing is, as with many Ferraris, the real show is on the back end.
Not bad, huh? I mean, who does this guy think he is, huh? He's taken my name.
He's stealing all my chores.
And now, just stripping down in front of me, in my own house? He's trying to establish dominance.
That's a statement move right there.
And I have to respond in kind.
You got this! You look good! You got a fine bod! You can do this! You can do this! Ha! Phil.
What are you doing, Tandy? You know, just going about my customary business in my own house.
Why don't you go put some clothes on? Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black.
Or African-American.
Or American.
What are you trying to say? Well, you took off your shirt yesterday.
And now suddenly being shirtless is a crime? I was about to take a shower.
Well, I was about to take a shower, too.
That's what I came to tell you.
So, we're even.
- Well, now I know.
- Now you know.
- Now I know.
- Now you know! Ha! Hey, guys! Hey Oh, my God! Erica, g'day! G'day! I'm sorry, if I'd known you were coming, I would've tucked it in.
Oh! I kind of thought you already did.
As if.
I know you didn't think that.
But I love that old Australian sass.
Well I will get out of your hair.
And your bald head.
Oh, look! The US Constitution.
Been meaning to frame that.
We the people! Ha! - Hey.
- Hey.
You have a good time with the garbage man? - Todd, come on.
- What? It's a simple question.
Riding on the back of that truck, wind in your hair, hooting and hollering.
Looked like you were having a great time.
- I was just helping Phil.
- Oh, yeah? And I've always wanted to ride on the back of a garbage truck.
- Don't hang out with him.
- What? If this relationship is gonna work, you can't hang out with him.
I I forbid it.
Todd, this has got to stop.
Look, I've had a really nice time with you and I Whoa! You know what? I know how that sentence is gonna end.
And I'll beat you to it.
We're done, Melissa.
I dump you, okay? That's not what I was going to say.
But fine.
Bye, Todd.
- No, wait! What? What were you gonna say? - What were you gonna say? - Almost.
- Come on! - Almost.
- Yup, right there! - Knock, knock? - Hey.
What's going on here? Phil and I are just trying to get this icemaker working.
Well, I don't mean to interrupt.
I just wanted to bring you these hush puppies I made you.
- Simple food.
- Much appreciated.
See, it's funny how sweaty you can get working on an ice machine.
That's funny.
Yeah, well, if you ladies will excuse me, I'm gonna go take a hot shower.
What? You figured out how to get hot showers? I sure did.
Y'all are welcome to use it anytime you want to.
Well, I might just take you up on that offer 'cause I am very, very dirty.
Okay.
Yeah, sure.
What's What's that, Carol? Oh.
Just a dumb scarf I made you.
It gets drafty in this house.
For me? Let me see.
That's not dumb.
It's beautiful, look at that.
What a set of crafty hands you got.
Wow.
Speaking of crafty hands, what's that there? - Are those little kitties? - Yeah.
- I'm a cat man, myself.
- Love cats.
- So cute.
- Yeah.
Thanks for the scarf.
Well played, Carol.
Well played.
So now I see that exposing my genitals to Phil was just a massive misfire.
Well, how could you have known? So, what'd you want to talk to me about, bud? Oh, nothing, other than blowing the best thing that ever happened to me.
Melissa and I broke up less than three hours ago, and I'm already in a kind of free fall.
Don't know where the bottom is.
Huh? Hey, Todd, hey, hey.
Don't put this on yourself.
This is all Phil's fault, okay? You're good, you're fine, all right? Look at you.
You look like a million bucks.
Oh, thanks, man.
Hey, do you think I'm being paranoid, or do you think Phil really wants to sleep with Melissa? Todd, don't worry.
He definitely wants to sleep with Melissa.
And everyone else here.
Hell, I'm not even sure the cow's safe.
And I'm sorry you had to hear that, girl.
He's a monster.
Attention, everyone.
Here's some trash talk that I can get behind.
The garbage pool is clean.
Thanks to Phil.
And that definitely doesn't stink.
- I see what you did there.
- You do? That was cute.
- Bravo.
- Thanks, Tandy.
- No, I really mean it.
- I'd never questioned that.
Good, 'cause it was unquestionable.
- Do you have a problem with me? - No, I don't.
- 'Cause it seems like you do.
- Well, maybe that's 'cause I do.
What's your problem with me? Oh, you friggin' come in here and try to impress everybody with all your skills that pay the bills.
But deep down, you're jealous.
Jellin' so hard right now.
I got no beef with you, Tandy.
That's President Tandy to you.
Okay, I think we've had enough of this president crap.
Oh! So you think the American system of government is crap.
No, I think the fact that you think you're president is crap.
And we didn't even get to vote.
It's not fair.
Yes, it is, and even if it wasn't, none of you seem to be interested in the responsibility.
So unless any of you want to get off your butts and throw your hats in the ring, looks like you're stuck with little old me.
Well, I'd throw my hat in the ring.
You want to be the president, huh? No, no, no, I just don't want you to be the president.
Well, great.
Well, the next vote is in four years, so I say we revote right now.
Well, I would like to give a speech.
No speeches, all in favor of Phil being president, raise your hand.
Carol.
Well, looks like we have a new president.
Speech, speech! Oh, no, no.
I don't have anything to say.
Well, I guess I should ask, why did you guys choose to live in Tucson? I mean, no offense, but in this new world, Tucson is pretty much the worst place to sustain human life.
Hey, Tucson is my hometown, and I will not hear it be slandered like that.
Wonderful universities, great zoo, multiple periodicals have named it one of the top 10 places to retire.
- Okay.
- Multiple periodicals, not just one.
Don't get me wrong We're here, Mr.
President, because Tandy here had the good sense to put up those "Alive in Tucson" signs, so we should all be thanking him.
All right, no disrespect to Tucson, but I'm talking about farming.
Yes.
- Growing fresh foods.
- Fantastic.
- Water.
- That's what I've been saying.
That's why I planted my own garden, but it's just not enough.
Thanks a lot, Mr.
President.
Or should I say Mr.
Spoiler Alert? What are you talking about, Tandy? My surprise, which this guy just spoil-alerted.
I've made us a farm, a viable, sustainable, working farm.
- I did that.
- Nope.
No, you didn't.
Uh, I sure did, Melissa.
I found some good forgivable Tucson land, and I plowed it, I raked it, I tilled it, I sowed it, I farmed it.
And that was gonna be a big surprise come harvest, till this guy ruined it.
With his big mouth.
Can we take a look at it, your farm? - Yeah, let's go.
- Let's do it.
- Let's go right now.
- Let's go right now.
Oh, shoot.
Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot.
It's late, and, you know, dark and cold.
The plants are resting.
What about first thing in the morning? First thing in the morning.
As early as we can do it, yeah.
Good.
First thing come morn, we'll go see my farm.
Come on.
Come on, be a tractor.
Be a tractor for me.
I need some kind of key or Oh! Something happened.
Oh! Oh! Nothing.
Damn it.
Come on! You know what they say.
Bros before hoes.
Boom.
I still got it.
Whoo! Cock-a-doodle-doo! Tandy Farms is open for business! - Who wants to go see a genuine farm? - Tandy! Tandy! Todd, what's the matter? It's Phil, new Phil.
What happened? What did he do? He had sex with them.
Sex with who? All of 'em.
He had sex with all of 'em! Tandy! Carol, I cannot believe you.
Have you no morals? What are you talking about? Oh, you know what I'm talking about.
Hey, uh, Carol, where are the other two? They headed home, but they say thank you.
We all had a wonderful time.
Oh, my God.
That was amazing.
What is happening here? So you ready to go check out your farm? Haven't you done enough plowing for one day? - I can't believe I got to take a shower.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
A shower.
Oh, my God, private individual showers.
That's all you were doing? Nobody else? No, like, same-sex showers, one person at a time You were nowhere there to be seen? Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.
This is all making sense to me.
Made sense to me, that's what I thought.
You know, just Todd had said that you had all done something else.
Well, Todd's been wrong about a lot of stuff lately.
- Yeah.
Bye.
- Bye.
- So, farm? - Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Yeah, sure.
Just friends taking showers, individually, toweling off on their own, coming out, joining each other once they're fully clothed.
Nice job, Tandy, this is a really good start.
So what'd you plant? You know, the necessities.
Everything from, uh, fruits to veggies.
- Good work.
- Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry things got a little tense between us this week.
Looking at what you did, I realize I may have been off base.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You're welcome.
You know, I just want to say I feel like you caught me on a weird week.
That's for sure.
Yeah, when you showed up, I kind of reared up on my haunches and let out a little warning roar.
It was pure animal instinct.
You feel me, Philbert? - Oh, I feel you.
- Yeah.
So we cool? We way cool.
Mondo cool.
I wish you guys had been there to see it.
He was so impressed with me.
I mean, we really reached an understanding.
And, sure, for a while, we were like two alpha dogs baring our teeth, and peeing everywhere to mark our territory, but it came out a draw.
- As often happens in the animal kingdom.
- Bottom line, he respects me.
You know, he knows this is my land.
And he knows not to step on my turf.
- Phil.
- You changed your nails up? Different cats.
I like it.
You noticed.
Yeah.
Scarf looks good.
You noticed.
Come on.
Respect.
This is Tandy Land, and he knows it.
He smells the spray, he's trying to tip-toe through it.
But it's all over his feet and legs.
Poor guy.
Mmm, Phil.
Oh, there you go, you big camper.
- Oh, now put the food in the bear box.
- The food's in the box, baby.
Put it high up in the tree so the bears can't get to it.
It's in the tree, it's high up there.
- Yeah, it is.
- Way out of reach.
Put a log on the fire, get those mosquitoes away, Phil! Can't stand those damn mosquitoes! - Get 'em! Phil! - I want a s'more right now! To Carol.
To Carol.
That lucky B-word.
I want chocolate.
What kind of chocolate do you want? - I want the darkest chocolate! - The darkest chocolate! Yeah, Phil Miller! You've camped before.
I love camping.
Here's your s'more right here.
Oh, you got a piece of graham cracker.
- Graham crackers? Yes! - Yeah.
Here comes the crackers.
Would you like some marshmallows? We got to kill this guy.
I'm in.