AfterMASH (1983) s01e13 Episode Script
Chief of Staff
1
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
Colonel Potter's office.
Oh, Mrs. Potter.
Perfect time to call.
The colonel's with a patient.
Oh, wait.
Just let me make sure.
Morning, Klinger.
I'm not in.
I'll see you when you are.
The coast is clear.
Okay, now, the first thing we've got to do
is act like everything is normal.
Which, if it was, would be a first.
So, forget I even said that.
As long as I can keep the colonel busy,
he'll never suspect a thing.
Right.
I want you to understand that this is not
the worst ailment in the world,
and that it has nothing to do with your
potency, or your virility, or your sex life.
I find this most embarrassing, colonel.
I'm not a man who likes to discuss his
generalia.
Surgery is not a very thrilling subject,
either.
Mike, you know what you've been going
through lately?
If we don't take care of this now,
it'll get worse, much worse.
You'll spend so much time in the bathroom,
you'll move your desk in there.
That's why you're getting a T.U.R.P.
first thing tomorrow morning.
A T.U.R.P.?
Transurethral resection of the prostate.
Give it to me straight, Sherman.
I just gave it to you straight.
Well, then give it to me so I can
understand.
Just put yourself in my hands.
You're only trying to make me feel good.
And that's the last thing you want, right?
Look, this is an established procedure.
It's not life-endangering.
It's the latest method.
We don't just flop you on your belly and
hit you with a can opener.
I know it's not manly to be afraid.
Who said?
My father was a stickler for courage.
When we were little, anyone who cried when
he whipped us got a real spanking.
I can't help it, Sherman.
I understand.
I'm not keen on surgery.
I'd be leery of anyone who was.
No one else has been told I'm having this
done?
Mum is the operative word.
Only the bare minimum who have to know,
know.
I'm putting my life in your hands.
Back to front, so to speak.
Relax, for Pete's sake.
You'll be playing the violin again in no
time.
Just not sitting down while you do it is
all.
You don't think we could wait?
I've booked you into OR at 0800 hours.
If you're not there, I'm coming after you.
And wherever I find you, the office,
the day room, or the cafeteria at high
noon, it's going to be pants down and
sunny side up.
Nursing supervisor.
Nursing supervisor to ward 2A.
Nursing supervisor to ward 2A.
I need your signature, Colonel Potter.
The price of fame.
Will the American Legion representative on
duty contact ward 2B nursing station?
American Legion representative,
contact ward 2B.
Ooh, glory be, there she goes again.
Oh, my goodness, what's the matter?
Back spasms.
My whole body's getting a pain-a-gram.
Maybe if you help me up.
Let me, uh
Better settle for my arm, because that's
all you're gonna get.
Pretty scrappy, ain't you?
Which way you going?
Which way you going?
Aren't you a little old to have that look
in your eye?
Just cause there's snow on the roof don't
mean there's no fire in the chimney.
You think I'm some kind of bee girl?
Hell, honey, you're the whole alphabet.
Bob Scannell.
Ain't she a pip?
Oh, hi, Sergeant Potter.
What's all this hooey about back spasms?
Ain't seen a pip.
I haven't seen a figure like that since
you and me went overseas.
Remember that French barmaid used to let
us stuff our tips in her jumper?
You're full of beans today, aren't you?
It's her, Elsie Mae Tanner.
I even shaved for her.
She makes me feel like a pup.
That's nice, Bob.
We're the same age, aren't we?
You and her?
You and me.
Just about.
You're married.
38 years.
You and Mrs. Potter still, uh,
whatever the polite word for it is.
We're polite with each other every couple
of weeks or so.
Birthdays and anniversaries for sure.
Age don't matter?
Age don't mind.
Thanks, Sarge.
Sure, Bob.
And Colonel P, there's someone I'd like
you to meet.
This is Angela John, our brand new RN.
This is Colonel Sherman Potter,
Chief of Staff of General General.
Angela comes to us with a wonderful record
of service.
Combat duty during World War II,
VA hospital in Louisiana since 45.
Father Mulcahy, telephone please.
Father Mulcahy.
A higher calling.
Father?
Excuse me.
I was stationed for two years at Camp Polk
in Louisiana.
Father Mulcahy here.
Lovely place you
My husband, sir.
He got a job offer in Hannibal,
and I'm going to try to do my best here.
Best would be very good.
Even good would be good.
We'll take either.
Nurse Coleman, will you conduct the grand
tour?
Thank you, doctor.
Of course.
Welcome to your new home.
We keep the charts on this cart and the
histories at the nursery.
This is station.
They're all pretty nice fellas.
You get to know them.
The big trick, Father, is we have to
figure out a foolproof way to smuggle the
stuff out of the colonel's house to over
to here.
Uh-huh.
Wait a minute.
He can't hear you, can he?
What do you mean he's not there?
You just said he was.
Where is he?
Never mind.
Goodbye.
Sir, can I help you?
What are you, nuts?
I live here.
Always eager to please, sir.
Who was that on the phone?
On the phone?
Oh, that was me, sir.
On both ends?
It was my wife, Soon-Lee.
I know your wife's name.
Yes, sir.
You've always been good about things like
that.
Well, how goes it?
How goes what, sir?
How is she?
Who?
Your wife.
Soon-Lee?
That's the one.
She's fine.
She's pregnant, you know.
I'm the one who told her.
Well, you were right on the money, sir.
Uh, sir, uh, morning sickness is par for
the course, right?
You know that.
Yeah, I do.
But should I throw up every day?
Sympathy pains, no problem.
You'll make a fine mother.
Just one minute, sir.
Whatever it is, I'm not signing it.
Although what there is left to be signed,
I cannot imagine.
If one more person hands me a pen, I'm
going to show him a very unique holder.
Now, I'm going in there to read some very
important papers.
Wake me in 15 minutes.
No catnaps, sir.
Not with your afternoon schedule.
I'm all right.
I checked.
That schedule has been revised.
Who revised it?
Who moved the finish line?
You did.
You said you wanted to increase activity.
You said you would personally set an
example.
I must have been crazy.
All the great ones are, sir.
I know that look, Klinger.
Look, sir?
You get a certain look when you're not
leveling with me.
Really?
It's happened before.
Whenever you lie, your nose gets shorter.
Mr. D'Angelo's office, Miss Cox speaking.
Your mother.
He's gone to St. Louis, ma'am.
No, I do not have a number.
Oh, I'll tell him.
I certainly will.
Yes, Mrs. D'Angelo.
Goodbye.
She's got a headache.
That headache's almost 50 years old.
I have to buy it a cake.
Well, she's the last.
Everyone thinks you're out of town.
Perfect.
I'll sleep in my office tonight.
Just to maintain the delusion.
Here all by yourself?
That sounds so lonely.
Alma, there's a difference between
loneliness and solitude.
I often wonder what it is.
Alma?
Sir?
In case I'm not here tomorrow after the
surgery
Will you be recuperating at home, sir?
When I said not here, Alma, I meant every
major surgery always carries a certain risk.
Death.
Wise speaking.
Mr. D.
Truth is, if there's a slip of the knife
and my manhood bites the dust,
I don't see much sense in living anyhow.
This is to be opened only in the event
that while I'm under, I go under.
There's more in here than I could ever
say, would ever say, did ever say.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I should say.
Fear has given me the strength to speak my
heart.
I wouldn't want to pass away without
expressing myself.
There's no dictaphone in the grave.
Yes, sir.
Alma, do you see it?
See it, sir?
A faint white light.
It seems to be at the end of a tunnel.
And as you get closer, it seems to get
brighter and brighter.
God, I hope they don't leave that on all
the time.
You're sort of letting this thing run away
with you, aren't you, Bob?
I owe it to Elsie Mae, Sarge.
A woman deserves a man who can still give
her children.
I told you before.
We don't do any kind of potency test here.
We don't have the equipment it calls for.
I don't think I do either.
You could always adopt.
I'll keep my eye open for a 50-year-old
orphan.
Sorry, Padre.
Oh, dear.
I hope they're all right.
What's in here?
Uh, con
There is as sketchy as a man wearing a feathered truss,
and you're telling me this is a box of glass Bibles.
The Lord works in wondrous ways,
Sherman.
Uh, sometimes he's positively weird.
Nurse Coleman, ward 2C.
Nurse Coleman, ward 2C.
How about we go for a ride tonight?
How about you just wait a minute?
Just you and me on my chair.
We can keep the top down.
No temperature.
That's because you're not trying.
Here you go, Gus.
Anything else I can do for you today?
Oh, uh, just put those pretty little
fingers on my head.
Oh, you're strong as a horse.
They're wasting a bed on you.
How about if we waste it together?
Moving in on my sure thing.
He did that to me with a certain
mademoiselle from EAP back in 1918.
Couldn't be a habit, obviously.
Give me that phony smile.
Those ain't even his teeth.
At least my gums are real.
Oh.
I need some help here.
Get me a padded tongue blade.
Nurse, I mean you!
Now!
Where are you going?
Come back here!
Crap-bump.
Crap-bump.
Colonel Potter's office.
Mayday.
Count to ten and call me.
Get me Angela John.
She's a nurse, at least in her own mind.
I'll be in my office.
Let me get my things out.
What were you doing in there?
Typing.
With a hammer?
Sticky keys, sir.
Wait a minute, sir.
This just could be for you.
Colonel Potter's office.
Right.
Right.
I'll tell him at once, if not sooner.
Nurse Coleman, sir, you're needed in
orthopedics right away.
She in on this, too?
Sir?
Nurse Coleman, she part of the keep the
old man out of his office plan?
Well, I wasn't born yesterday,
but I was born 60-odd years ago tomorrow.
Sir, I had no idea.
No, huh?
Then why are you giving me all that
innocent what, sir?
Where, sir?
Why?
Sir?
Me, sir?
Yes, sir, you, sir.
I know you, Klinger.
You could talk a camel out of his hump,
but not this time.
I can smell a surprise party a mile away,
and I've
inflate all the whoopee
cushions and tell all the
people who aren't in there
yet that they can just get out.
Oops, missed the chapel by a floor.
You've even got the Padre lying through
his bees.
Sir, I take an oath.
You take the cake.
If you say so, sir.
Well, don't just stand there.
You've got typing to do.
Alma?
By your side, Mr. D.
I feel woozy like there's gravy in my ears.
It's the sedation.
I can't stand the thought of anyone seeing
me naked.
I'm sure you have every right, sir.
I should have looked after my prostate
years ago, but that's hindsight again.
Why don't you just rest now?
Dr. Potter is keeping this quiet.
Isn't he?
Yes, sir.
He's a good man, Potter.
You can always depend on him.
Dr. Hyatt is particularly careful not to
perforate the capsule in order to give
wide latitude to the small branches of the
pudendal nerves.
It's amazing.
No matter where he is, when you take a
picture, he's always smiling.
Reverend Foley called extension 21.
You were Mr. Klinger?
Meet Sergeant Klinger any day.
I went to the colonel's office,
but he's not there.
I'm Nurse John.
Hey, I couldn't find him.
I called you last night.
I'm ready to face the music.
He's in OR.
Get ready for about two choruses.
Dr. Kramer to OR.
Dr. Kramer, report to OR.
Lab technician on duty, call extension 12.
Lab technician, call extension 12.
For Alma Cox's eyes only.
My dear Alma.
As you know, I'm dead, or you wouldn't be
reading this.
You're the one person I can, that is,
could, trust on the most sacred mission of
all, because yours is a heart blessed with
compassion.
Scram, geezer.
Excuse me.
I felt more than trust after all our years
together, Alma, dear.
Finally, I felt a desire.
Oh, Mike.
A desire to have you seek out my former
wife.
Claire and tell her that though
she deserted me, her sweet
aroma was the last thing I
smelled before my nose died.
I loved her in life.
I will love her in death, probably even
more so there being far fewer distractions.
Alma, it is my last wish that I be
cremated.
I was never one to just lie around.
Give Claire first crack at my ashes.
But enough of Claire.
Now to you, Alma.
I'll miss you, buddy.
Thanks.
Buddy.
Congratulations, he's still a boy.
Who cares?
Nurse John?
Dr. Feller, Dr. Simpson, Dr. Wynn.
I don't mind telling you, I can't remember
the last time I ever got so mad at anyone.
When I saw you run out of the ward, you
could have fried an egg under my collar.
If you're going to fire me, just do it, sir.
Your nursing supervisor has informed me
that your record is outstanding,
most impressive, which makes your
behavior
even more incomprehensible.
You know, doctor, that patient you were
struggling with yesterday, that was the
first time I was ever asked to put my
hands on a white man.
My whole career has been colored.
My life has been colored.
Colored college, colored combat unit,
segregated hospital.
You people take care of your own.
Of the people, by the people.
But my kind, we are the you people.
I had a kid die in my arms in New Guinea.
His head was crushed.
The Whitefield Hospital was closer.
They could have saved him.
But they put him in a truck.
Took hours to drive him all the way to us.
Color can kill you.
I always thought I wanted things to be
different.
Yesterday I had a chance.
I wasn't ready.
Maybe I never will be.
Angela.
When someone of my color says to someone
of your color, I understand completely.
That's usually a lie.
A white lie, you could say.
River Bend's not New Guinea.
I can't help how things have been.
But I've got some say about how they can
be.
The only way I can fire you is if you
still work here.
And as of now, you still do.
Thank you.
Dr. Reynolds, extension 33.
Dr. Lopat, to emergency.
Dr. Ford, ward 3C.
Dr. Lopat, to emergency.
Dr. Ford, ward 3C.
He go to it.
Petunia's for a Petunia.
Why, Mr. Scannell, you shouldn't spend
your money on me.
It's not mine, it's the government's.
Say, how's about I get a pass and you and
me see a picture show tonight?
The B.J.'s got a real dark balcony,
almost broke my leg up there once.
Time for your nap, ain't it, Scannell?
Here you go, sweets for the sweet.
For me?
Probably stole him, he's just the kind.
I was thinking, I could take you to the 8
O'clock bingo.
Forget it, she and me's going to the
movies.
Butt out, you stink since World War I.
You used to hide under the bed if a wine
cork popped.
That's a lie, I'll knock your teeth out.
They've been out since 39.
Go suck on your chin.
How'd you like to limp outside?
What's wrong with right here?
Boys, stop it.
Stop it.
It ain't going to be that bloody.
He ain't got that much.
But I can't go out with either of you.
I'm married.
Married?
Is he living?
Of course he's living.
Well, that puts him one up on you.
Now boys, stop this and shake hands.
Shake hands?
Both of you?
Nah.
There.
Now isn't that better?
She like chicken bones.
Well, I have other people wanting to see
me too.
You behave yourselves.
How about some checkers?
Oh, you feel lucky, huh?
She wasn't really for me.
I hear she can't have any more babies.
Seem to have come through it all right.
Like a champ, your bottom is tip-top.
Now you just relax and be the best patient
you can be.
Here's your dinner, sir.
That's just jelly.
I'm starved.
When do I get to eat?
Tomorrow morning, sir.
Two eggs, three minutes exactly, toast crisp,
bacon the same, orange juice cold, coffee hot.
Three minutes exactly.
They have to be properly runny.
They will be, sir.
Will that be all for now?
You won't forget my sponge bath at 11.
I knew I operated on the wrong end.
I trust this is still our little secret,
my operation.
Absolutely.
Is this thing on?
It is?
Attention.
Attention, everyone.
I am pleased to announce that our beloved
administrator, Mr. D'Angelo, has survived
his bout with surgery, and that he and his
prostate are both doing fine.
How could she?
And I just know it would mean the world if any
and all of you would drop by and say, Hiya, buddy.
Well, what do you think?
About what?
Your first white patient.
Now, he could give all of you a bad name.
It's going to be absolutely
Gotcha!
Mildred?
What are you all doing here, he asked,
knowing full well what they were all doing there.
It's not what you think, dear.
There's no birthday party, sir.
Honest.
Honest and truly.
You want me to go out and come in again so
you can go in there and hide with the others?
The others?
We're the only others here.
Okay.
I'll play along.
Everybody get ready.
Here comes the birthday boy.
Oh, my.
It's all here.
It came last week.
Boxes and boxes.
I'm back in Korea.
It's perfect.
Except for some slightly broken
bric-a-brac.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
76 hours and 15 minutes.
Oh, no.
I kept a log.
It was 76 hours and 18 minutes.
77 hours and 45 minutes.
I had to go back that night and do some
repairs on one of Frank Byrne's patients.
One thing I'm sure was 40 below.
They had to chip my bloomers off that
night.
Did we really live through all that cold?
Did we really live through all that heat?
And that food?
And that water.
It was so nice to come home and see the
bottom of a glass.
Sure.
It's almost 10 O'clock, dear.
All right, mother.
The 4077.
It was dirty.
It was a nightmare.
It was one of the best times of my life.
Premiering Wednesday.
Tuesday.
Empire.
A firm dedicated to equal opportunity.
What kind of a woman do you think I am?
I have half a mind to give this to my wife.
It is not an arrow point on A.S.
Harlan becomes aware of Hillary's dark
secret, and Glenn rejects a new court-martial.
But first, Kirk takes a tumble when the girl
of his dreams turns out to be a circus clown.
On New Heart.
Next.
New Heart.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
Colonel Potter's office.
Oh, Mrs. Potter.
Perfect time to call.
The colonel's with a patient.
Oh, wait.
Just let me make sure.
Morning, Klinger.
I'm not in.
I'll see you when you are.
The coast is clear.
Okay, now, the first thing we've got to do
is act like everything is normal.
Which, if it was, would be a first.
So, forget I even said that.
As long as I can keep the colonel busy,
he'll never suspect a thing.
Right.
I want you to understand that this is not
the worst ailment in the world,
and that it has nothing to do with your
potency, or your virility, or your sex life.
I find this most embarrassing, colonel.
I'm not a man who likes to discuss his
generalia.
Surgery is not a very thrilling subject,
either.
Mike, you know what you've been going
through lately?
If we don't take care of this now,
it'll get worse, much worse.
You'll spend so much time in the bathroom,
you'll move your desk in there.
That's why you're getting a T.U.R.P.
first thing tomorrow morning.
A T.U.R.P.?
Transurethral resection of the prostate.
Give it to me straight, Sherman.
I just gave it to you straight.
Well, then give it to me so I can
understand.
Just put yourself in my hands.
You're only trying to make me feel good.
And that's the last thing you want, right?
Look, this is an established procedure.
It's not life-endangering.
It's the latest method.
We don't just flop you on your belly and
hit you with a can opener.
I know it's not manly to be afraid.
Who said?
My father was a stickler for courage.
When we were little, anyone who cried when
he whipped us got a real spanking.
I can't help it, Sherman.
I understand.
I'm not keen on surgery.
I'd be leery of anyone who was.
No one else has been told I'm having this
done?
Mum is the operative word.
Only the bare minimum who have to know,
know.
I'm putting my life in your hands.
Back to front, so to speak.
Relax, for Pete's sake.
You'll be playing the violin again in no
time.
Just not sitting down while you do it is
all.
You don't think we could wait?
I've booked you into OR at 0800 hours.
If you're not there, I'm coming after you.
And wherever I find you, the office,
the day room, or the cafeteria at high
noon, it's going to be pants down and
sunny side up.
Nursing supervisor.
Nursing supervisor to ward 2A.
Nursing supervisor to ward 2A.
I need your signature, Colonel Potter.
The price of fame.
Will the American Legion representative on
duty contact ward 2B nursing station?
American Legion representative,
contact ward 2B.
Ooh, glory be, there she goes again.
Oh, my goodness, what's the matter?
Back spasms.
My whole body's getting a pain-a-gram.
Maybe if you help me up.
Let me, uh
Better settle for my arm, because that's
all you're gonna get.
Pretty scrappy, ain't you?
Which way you going?
Which way you going?
Aren't you a little old to have that look
in your eye?
Just cause there's snow on the roof don't
mean there's no fire in the chimney.
You think I'm some kind of bee girl?
Hell, honey, you're the whole alphabet.
Bob Scannell.
Ain't she a pip?
Oh, hi, Sergeant Potter.
What's all this hooey about back spasms?
Ain't seen a pip.
I haven't seen a figure like that since
you and me went overseas.
Remember that French barmaid used to let
us stuff our tips in her jumper?
You're full of beans today, aren't you?
It's her, Elsie Mae Tanner.
I even shaved for her.
She makes me feel like a pup.
That's nice, Bob.
We're the same age, aren't we?
You and her?
You and me.
Just about.
You're married.
38 years.
You and Mrs. Potter still, uh,
whatever the polite word for it is.
We're polite with each other every couple
of weeks or so.
Birthdays and anniversaries for sure.
Age don't matter?
Age don't mind.
Thanks, Sarge.
Sure, Bob.
And Colonel P, there's someone I'd like
you to meet.
This is Angela John, our brand new RN.
This is Colonel Sherman Potter,
Chief of Staff of General General.
Angela comes to us with a wonderful record
of service.
Combat duty during World War II,
VA hospital in Louisiana since 45.
Father Mulcahy, telephone please.
Father Mulcahy.
A higher calling.
Father?
Excuse me.
I was stationed for two years at Camp Polk
in Louisiana.
Father Mulcahy here.
Lovely place you
My husband, sir.
He got a job offer in Hannibal,
and I'm going to try to do my best here.
Best would be very good.
Even good would be good.
We'll take either.
Nurse Coleman, will you conduct the grand
tour?
Thank you, doctor.
Of course.
Welcome to your new home.
We keep the charts on this cart and the
histories at the nursery.
This is station.
They're all pretty nice fellas.
You get to know them.
The big trick, Father, is we have to
figure out a foolproof way to smuggle the
stuff out of the colonel's house to over
to here.
Uh-huh.
Wait a minute.
He can't hear you, can he?
What do you mean he's not there?
You just said he was.
Where is he?
Never mind.
Goodbye.
Sir, can I help you?
What are you, nuts?
I live here.
Always eager to please, sir.
Who was that on the phone?
On the phone?
Oh, that was me, sir.
On both ends?
It was my wife, Soon-Lee.
I know your wife's name.
Yes, sir.
You've always been good about things like
that.
Well, how goes it?
How goes what, sir?
How is she?
Who?
Your wife.
Soon-Lee?
That's the one.
She's fine.
She's pregnant, you know.
I'm the one who told her.
Well, you were right on the money, sir.
Uh, sir, uh, morning sickness is par for
the course, right?
You know that.
Yeah, I do.
But should I throw up every day?
Sympathy pains, no problem.
You'll make a fine mother.
Just one minute, sir.
Whatever it is, I'm not signing it.
Although what there is left to be signed,
I cannot imagine.
If one more person hands me a pen, I'm
going to show him a very unique holder.
Now, I'm going in there to read some very
important papers.
Wake me in 15 minutes.
No catnaps, sir.
Not with your afternoon schedule.
I'm all right.
I checked.
That schedule has been revised.
Who revised it?
Who moved the finish line?
You did.
You said you wanted to increase activity.
You said you would personally set an
example.
I must have been crazy.
All the great ones are, sir.
I know that look, Klinger.
Look, sir?
You get a certain look when you're not
leveling with me.
Really?
It's happened before.
Whenever you lie, your nose gets shorter.
Mr. D'Angelo's office, Miss Cox speaking.
Your mother.
He's gone to St. Louis, ma'am.
No, I do not have a number.
Oh, I'll tell him.
I certainly will.
Yes, Mrs. D'Angelo.
Goodbye.
She's got a headache.
That headache's almost 50 years old.
I have to buy it a cake.
Well, she's the last.
Everyone thinks you're out of town.
Perfect.
I'll sleep in my office tonight.
Just to maintain the delusion.
Here all by yourself?
That sounds so lonely.
Alma, there's a difference between
loneliness and solitude.
I often wonder what it is.
Alma?
Sir?
In case I'm not here tomorrow after the
surgery
Will you be recuperating at home, sir?
When I said not here, Alma, I meant every
major surgery always carries a certain risk.
Death.
Wise speaking.
Mr. D.
Truth is, if there's a slip of the knife
and my manhood bites the dust,
I don't see much sense in living anyhow.
This is to be opened only in the event
that while I'm under, I go under.
There's more in here than I could ever
say, would ever say, did ever say.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I should say.
Fear has given me the strength to speak my
heart.
I wouldn't want to pass away without
expressing myself.
There's no dictaphone in the grave.
Yes, sir.
Alma, do you see it?
See it, sir?
A faint white light.
It seems to be at the end of a tunnel.
And as you get closer, it seems to get
brighter and brighter.
God, I hope they don't leave that on all
the time.
You're sort of letting this thing run away
with you, aren't you, Bob?
I owe it to Elsie Mae, Sarge.
A woman deserves a man who can still give
her children.
I told you before.
We don't do any kind of potency test here.
We don't have the equipment it calls for.
I don't think I do either.
You could always adopt.
I'll keep my eye open for a 50-year-old
orphan.
Sorry, Padre.
Oh, dear.
I hope they're all right.
What's in here?
Uh, con
There is as sketchy as a man wearing a feathered truss,
and you're telling me this is a box of glass Bibles.
The Lord works in wondrous ways,
Sherman.
Uh, sometimes he's positively weird.
Nurse Coleman, ward 2C.
Nurse Coleman, ward 2C.
How about we go for a ride tonight?
How about you just wait a minute?
Just you and me on my chair.
We can keep the top down.
No temperature.
That's because you're not trying.
Here you go, Gus.
Anything else I can do for you today?
Oh, uh, just put those pretty little
fingers on my head.
Oh, you're strong as a horse.
They're wasting a bed on you.
How about if we waste it together?
Moving in on my sure thing.
He did that to me with a certain
mademoiselle from EAP back in 1918.
Couldn't be a habit, obviously.
Give me that phony smile.
Those ain't even his teeth.
At least my gums are real.
Oh.
I need some help here.
Get me a padded tongue blade.
Nurse, I mean you!
Now!
Where are you going?
Come back here!
Crap-bump.
Crap-bump.
Colonel Potter's office.
Mayday.
Count to ten and call me.
Get me Angela John.
She's a nurse, at least in her own mind.
I'll be in my office.
Let me get my things out.
What were you doing in there?
Typing.
With a hammer?
Sticky keys, sir.
Wait a minute, sir.
This just could be for you.
Colonel Potter's office.
Right.
Right.
I'll tell him at once, if not sooner.
Nurse Coleman, sir, you're needed in
orthopedics right away.
She in on this, too?
Sir?
Nurse Coleman, she part of the keep the
old man out of his office plan?
Well, I wasn't born yesterday,
but I was born 60-odd years ago tomorrow.
Sir, I had no idea.
No, huh?
Then why are you giving me all that
innocent what, sir?
Where, sir?
Why?
Sir?
Me, sir?
Yes, sir, you, sir.
I know you, Klinger.
You could talk a camel out of his hump,
but not this time.
I can smell a surprise party a mile away,
and I've
inflate all the whoopee
cushions and tell all the
people who aren't in there
yet that they can just get out.
Oops, missed the chapel by a floor.
You've even got the Padre lying through
his bees.
Sir, I take an oath.
You take the cake.
If you say so, sir.
Well, don't just stand there.
You've got typing to do.
Alma?
By your side, Mr. D.
I feel woozy like there's gravy in my ears.
It's the sedation.
I can't stand the thought of anyone seeing
me naked.
I'm sure you have every right, sir.
I should have looked after my prostate
years ago, but that's hindsight again.
Why don't you just rest now?
Dr. Potter is keeping this quiet.
Isn't he?
Yes, sir.
He's a good man, Potter.
You can always depend on him.
Dr. Hyatt is particularly careful not to
perforate the capsule in order to give
wide latitude to the small branches of the
pudendal nerves.
It's amazing.
No matter where he is, when you take a
picture, he's always smiling.
Reverend Foley called extension 21.
You were Mr. Klinger?
Meet Sergeant Klinger any day.
I went to the colonel's office,
but he's not there.
I'm Nurse John.
Hey, I couldn't find him.
I called you last night.
I'm ready to face the music.
He's in OR.
Get ready for about two choruses.
Dr. Kramer to OR.
Dr. Kramer, report to OR.
Lab technician on duty, call extension 12.
Lab technician, call extension 12.
For Alma Cox's eyes only.
My dear Alma.
As you know, I'm dead, or you wouldn't be
reading this.
You're the one person I can, that is,
could, trust on the most sacred mission of
all, because yours is a heart blessed with
compassion.
Scram, geezer.
Excuse me.
I felt more than trust after all our years
together, Alma, dear.
Finally, I felt a desire.
Oh, Mike.
A desire to have you seek out my former
wife.
Claire and tell her that though
she deserted me, her sweet
aroma was the last thing I
smelled before my nose died.
I loved her in life.
I will love her in death, probably even
more so there being far fewer distractions.
Alma, it is my last wish that I be
cremated.
I was never one to just lie around.
Give Claire first crack at my ashes.
But enough of Claire.
Now to you, Alma.
I'll miss you, buddy.
Thanks.
Buddy.
Congratulations, he's still a boy.
Who cares?
Nurse John?
Dr. Feller, Dr. Simpson, Dr. Wynn.
I don't mind telling you, I can't remember
the last time I ever got so mad at anyone.
When I saw you run out of the ward, you
could have fried an egg under my collar.
If you're going to fire me, just do it, sir.
Your nursing supervisor has informed me
that your record is outstanding,
most impressive, which makes your
behavior
even more incomprehensible.
You know, doctor, that patient you were
struggling with yesterday, that was the
first time I was ever asked to put my
hands on a white man.
My whole career has been colored.
My life has been colored.
Colored college, colored combat unit,
segregated hospital.
You people take care of your own.
Of the people, by the people.
But my kind, we are the you people.
I had a kid die in my arms in New Guinea.
His head was crushed.
The Whitefield Hospital was closer.
They could have saved him.
But they put him in a truck.
Took hours to drive him all the way to us.
Color can kill you.
I always thought I wanted things to be
different.
Yesterday I had a chance.
I wasn't ready.
Maybe I never will be.
Angela.
When someone of my color says to someone
of your color, I understand completely.
That's usually a lie.
A white lie, you could say.
River Bend's not New Guinea.
I can't help how things have been.
But I've got some say about how they can
be.
The only way I can fire you is if you
still work here.
And as of now, you still do.
Thank you.
Dr. Reynolds, extension 33.
Dr. Lopat, to emergency.
Dr. Ford, ward 3C.
Dr. Lopat, to emergency.
Dr. Ford, ward 3C.
He go to it.
Petunia's for a Petunia.
Why, Mr. Scannell, you shouldn't spend
your money on me.
It's not mine, it's the government's.
Say, how's about I get a pass and you and
me see a picture show tonight?
The B.J.'s got a real dark balcony,
almost broke my leg up there once.
Time for your nap, ain't it, Scannell?
Here you go, sweets for the sweet.
For me?
Probably stole him, he's just the kind.
I was thinking, I could take you to the 8
O'clock bingo.
Forget it, she and me's going to the
movies.
Butt out, you stink since World War I.
You used to hide under the bed if a wine
cork popped.
That's a lie, I'll knock your teeth out.
They've been out since 39.
Go suck on your chin.
How'd you like to limp outside?
What's wrong with right here?
Boys, stop it.
Stop it.
It ain't going to be that bloody.
He ain't got that much.
But I can't go out with either of you.
I'm married.
Married?
Is he living?
Of course he's living.
Well, that puts him one up on you.
Now boys, stop this and shake hands.
Shake hands?
Both of you?
Nah.
There.
Now isn't that better?
She like chicken bones.
Well, I have other people wanting to see
me too.
You behave yourselves.
How about some checkers?
Oh, you feel lucky, huh?
She wasn't really for me.
I hear she can't have any more babies.
Seem to have come through it all right.
Like a champ, your bottom is tip-top.
Now you just relax and be the best patient
you can be.
Here's your dinner, sir.
That's just jelly.
I'm starved.
When do I get to eat?
Tomorrow morning, sir.
Two eggs, three minutes exactly, toast crisp,
bacon the same, orange juice cold, coffee hot.
Three minutes exactly.
They have to be properly runny.
They will be, sir.
Will that be all for now?
You won't forget my sponge bath at 11.
I knew I operated on the wrong end.
I trust this is still our little secret,
my operation.
Absolutely.
Is this thing on?
It is?
Attention.
Attention, everyone.
I am pleased to announce that our beloved
administrator, Mr. D'Angelo, has survived
his bout with surgery, and that he and his
prostate are both doing fine.
How could she?
And I just know it would mean the world if any
and all of you would drop by and say, Hiya, buddy.
Well, what do you think?
About what?
Your first white patient.
Now, he could give all of you a bad name.
It's going to be absolutely
Gotcha!
Mildred?
What are you all doing here, he asked,
knowing full well what they were all doing there.
It's not what you think, dear.
There's no birthday party, sir.
Honest.
Honest and truly.
You want me to go out and come in again so
you can go in there and hide with the others?
The others?
We're the only others here.
Okay.
I'll play along.
Everybody get ready.
Here comes the birthday boy.
Oh, my.
It's all here.
It came last week.
Boxes and boxes.
I'm back in Korea.
It's perfect.
Except for some slightly broken
bric-a-brac.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
76 hours and 15 minutes.
Oh, no.
I kept a log.
It was 76 hours and 18 minutes.
77 hours and 45 minutes.
I had to go back that night and do some
repairs on one of Frank Byrne's patients.
One thing I'm sure was 40 below.
They had to chip my bloomers off that
night.
Did we really live through all that cold?
Did we really live through all that heat?
And that food?
And that water.
It was so nice to come home and see the
bottom of a glass.
Sure.
It's almost 10 O'clock, dear.
All right, mother.
The 4077.
It was dirty.
It was a nightmare.
It was one of the best times of my life.
Premiering Wednesday.
Tuesday.
Empire.
A firm dedicated to equal opportunity.
What kind of a woman do you think I am?
I have half a mind to give this to my wife.
It is not an arrow point on A.S.
Harlan becomes aware of Hillary's dark
secret, and Glenn rejects a new court-martial.
But first, Kirk takes a tumble when the girl
of his dreams turns out to be a circus clown.
On New Heart.
Next.
New Heart.