Gilligan's Island (1964) s01e13 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back ♪
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day ♪
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground on the shore ♪
of this uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire ♪
and his wife ♪
a movie star ♪
and the rest ♪
are here on gilligan's isle ♪
Hi, skipper.
What are you doing, gilligan?
Mr. Howell's teaching me
how to play golf
and even gave me this club to use.
And I gave you this hammer to use.
I just took a little time
out to practice my driving.
Well, if you'd like to
practice your driving, gilligan
start on those nails!
I want that watch tower
finished by tonight.
Well, why the big rush?
Just because you dreamed a
ship is going to go by the island?
Don't forget, gilligan,
this is the third night in a
row I've had that dream.
Oh, come on, skipper, you
don't believe in dreams.
And what's more
this is the third day of the
week of the third month.
With all those 3s coming up
are you gonna tell me that I'm wrong?
No, sir, I'm not gonna
tell you you're wrong.
'Cause you're 3 times bigger than I am.
Gilligan, get to work!
Now, really, gilligan,
when I have these dreams,
they always come true.
Well, not always, skipper.
How about the time you dreamed
I was gonna hit you in the jaw?
Well?
I wouldn't do a thing
like that. That'd be mutiny.
Yeah.
Not only that, it'd be suicide.
I forgot about that one. Ha ha ha ha.
You see, skipper, there's
nothing to all those dreams.
Here, watch my practice swing
and tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Hmm?
Alright, gilligan.
Head down, left arm stiff
your eye on the ball.
[Thump]
Was that you, skipper?
Uh-huh.
Where'd I hit you?
Right in the jaw.
Just like you dreamed, huh?
Yep, just like I dreamed.
Well, I better get back to work.
That ship could be
coming by any minute.
Oh, I never thought I'd make that one.
What did I get on the hole, dear?
Now, let me see. 3, 4
You did much better this time, darling.
You got a 34.
34? I finally parred the hole.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
Are you going to play another round?
No, I think I'll practice a little.
This oyster shell putter
just doesn't feel right.
But of course it doesn't.
There's no "r" in the month.
I'll see you back at the hut, dear.
Ha ha ha ha.
Hi, Mr. Howell.
Look, gilligan, never talk
when a man is putting.
I'm sorry, Mr. Howell.
Yes, well, that's
perfectly alright. It's alright.
I just wanted to say hello.
Look, go stand over there, will you?
Putting is the hardest part of the game.
It requires the utmost silence!
I won't say another word.
Oh, gilligan.
I'm sorry, but I don't see
what's so tough about it, though.
Oh, you don't see
what's so tough about it?
Well, then you just try it.
Just go ahead, try, try.
I'd better not. The skipper told me
I don't care what the
skipper says. Go ahead. Putt.
So easy? Putt.
Well, that was, uh, just beginner's luck.
Besides, I wasn't talking
while you were putting, my boy.
Yes, you just try putting while someone
is saying something stupid, like, uh
"hello, Mr. Howell. Sorry, Mr. Howell.
Looks easy to me, Mr. Howell."
Has this thing on his shoulder.
Stomp, stomp, stomp.
You just try putting while I'm talking.
Go ahead, putt while I'm
talking. Go ahead, putt, putt, putt.
I did.
Where's the ball?
In the hole. In the hole.
Alright, well, that's 2 lucky breaks.
That doesn't mean a darn thing.
I tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to bet you anything
you can't do it again, alright?
All I got is a quarter, Mr. Howell.
Alright, that's good.
Yeah, when you're putting with money,
there's pressure. There's pressure.
Yeah, trying putting when you bet
see you later, Mr. Howell.
I got to get this over to the tower.
Oh, no, you don't. Absolutely not.
You got to give me a chance
to get my money back.
But the skipper told me
I don't care what the skipper told you!
Alright, now this one. Double or nothing.
Ah, the pressure.
This one is for 50 cents.
Okay.
Now can I go, Mr. Howell?
I'll tell you when to go.
Young man, I think
your luck is running out.
This one's for a dollar.
[Rattle]
$2.00's says I'm right.
Alright. Come on, gilligan, and putt.
But I can't see the hole.
Well, I can see it.
Double or nothing.
I ought to be going, Mr. Howell.
You're not going anywhere.
Nobody hustles me on a golf course.
But you said we could quit at 10:30.
Will you stop watching
the clock and putt?
[Rattle]
Oh I'm sorry, Mr. Howell,
but I think I did it again.
Cut out the chatter, will ya, gilligan?
We'll be out here all night.
I'll light the hole. Come on, putt.
Boy, I wonder what
the skipper's gonna say?
I'll tell ya what he's gonna say!
Never mind, skipper. I think I can guess.
Captain, will you please
get off the putting green?
Gilligan and I have a little bet.
A bet? Gilligan, what have
I told you about gambling?
I know, skipper. But I only
bet a quarter, and I won.
You won. Don't you realize
that's the worst thing that
could've happened to you?
It is?
Well, certainly. You'd have been better off
if you had lost the 25 cents.
Yes! I couldn't agree
with you more, captain.
Come on, gilligan, putt.
Just a moment, ho well.
This boy doesn't know what he's doing.
Gilligan, I know exactly
what's going on in your mind.
You do?
Certainly. You've gotten a little ahead
and it looks like a pretty easy
way of making some money.
Sure does.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
How much do you think
you can win gambling?
$6 million if I sink this putt.
You see? A whole afternoon
wasted and for what?
What?
I already won $3 million.
We're playing double or nothing.
Put that putter down, gilligan.
The game is over.
Just a moment, captain.
The game's over, Mr. Howell.
And, frankly, I'm surprised.
I didn't realize that you
were that sort of a man.
What sort of a man?
The sort of a man who would
take advantage of this boy
just because he has a lot of money.
I'd love to have seen
the look on howell's face
when you won all that
money from him last night.
So would I, but it was too dark.
Excuse me. Watch the fire. It's hot.
Thanks, gilligan.
Gilligan?
Huh?
Come over here.
Sit down right next to me.
And me.
Oh, gee, gilligan. I'm so proud of you.
You know what I'm gonna do?
Fix you anything you'd like for breakfast.
And I'm gonna fix you
anything you'd like for lunch.
How come everybody's
being so nice to me?
Because you're so sweet
And tall And handsome.
I'll say.
Oh, there's lots of reasons.
Yes. About 3 million of them.
Come on, little buddy.
I think we'd better have a little talk.
Okay, skipper.
Gilligan!
Did I do something wrong, skipper?
Of course not. Sit down.
Here, take my chair.
What did you want to
talk to me about, skipper?
Gilligan, you never had
$3 million before, have you?
Um
No, sir, I haven't.
I didn't think so.
Let me tell you something.
You're gonna find a big change
in some of the people around here.
What do you mean?
Well, take this morning, for example.
Number one: The
professor never offered
to build you a fire before, right?
Right.
Number 2: Mary Ann never offered
to fix you a special
breakfast before, right?
Right. Number 3:
Ginger never offered to
fix you lunch before, right?
Right. And what about number 4?
4 number 4?
Yeah. I never sat in
your chair before, right?
Right, uh
Believe me, it won't be the last time.
Little buddy, anytime
that you have a problem
I want you to come in
this hut, sit in my chair
and tell your skipper all about it.
Tell you all about what?
Anything that you're worried about.
Skipper, I'm not worried about anything.
Skipper: But that's impossible.
Anyone with $3 million has got
to be worried about something.
Gilligan: Skipper, I don't have it yet.
Mr. Howell just owes it to me.
I wouldn't worry about that.
I'm gonna go out right now and
get you a check for $3 million.
You don't have to go to all that trouble.
It's no trouble. That's what I'm here for
Son.
Son?
Gilligan, that's the way
I've always felt about you.
You've been like my own boy to me.
I have? Gosh, I didn't know that, skipper.
Skipper? Why don't you
just call me dad?
Okay, skipper.
I told you to call me dad,
and that's an order!
Yes, sir, dad.
That's better.
Now I'll go out and find
Mr. Howell and get you your money.
Oh, and, son, I don't
want you to leave this hut.
But Mary Ann said she's
gonna fix me breakfast.
Your father will fix you
breakfast when he gets back.
Ooh!
Watch the beam, dad.
Thanks a lot, son.
Ah, good morning, gilligan.
Is the captain in?
No. He's out looking for you.
I'm sorry I missed him.
I just stopped by to pay my debt
to give you a check for $3 million that I
It's made out but first of all
you have to fill out an income tax form.
Income tax form?
Yes. I didn't know what your salary was.
I was afraid that $3 million might
kick you into a higher income bracket.
You know what I mean?
It's looks tough to fill out?
I'd be very glad to help you.
Now, first of all, you have
to list all your dependents.
Do you have a wife or children?
No. But I got a father
about 5 minutes ago.
What is wrong with me?
This is the wrong paper.
This is the short form.
There's a longer form?
Yes. There's a much longer form.
Of course we could put your
money in your corporate structure.
I thought I'd just put it in my wallet.
No. Oh!
No. No, with $3 million, my boy, you
have got to get yourself a tax shelter.
What's the matter with this place?
Gilligan, I don't believe you know
what this money could do to you.
So far, it's gotten me breakfast,
lunch, and the skipper's chair.
You're terribly naive
about financial matters.
You don't want this money.
I don't?
No. You'd be much better
off, instead of the $3 million
if I gave you one of my corporations.
Oh, I couldn't ask you
to do a thing like that.
Believe me, we millionaires
have to stick together.
Why didn't you tell me that
you were in such bad shape?
I'm not in bad shape. I'm just a little tired.
You kept me up pretty late last night.
Yes. Oh! Yes, I happen to have it.
This is the corporation for you.
"Tehachapuku oil
and mining corporation."
My boy, do you know anything about oil?
No. But I worked in a gas station once.
That's the American way:
From grease monkey to
president of an oil company.
Just goes to show you what a
man can do if he has a little drive.
He can do pretty good if
he knows how to putt, too.
Ah, yes.
Oh! Ow!
You oil men have such
a wonderful sense of humor.
Now if you'll that smarts
you just sign right here. There you are.
Do you think I ought
to do this, Mr. Howell?
Believe me, it's the only solution.
At least the only one I can come up with.
That's all there is to it?
That's all. Simple transfer
oh, you can have the pen.
I can't find that
oh, here you are.
Uh, yes, I just stopped by
to settle my debt with, uh, gilligan.
Fine, Mr. Howell. I hope
you'll accept my apology.
Apology? Apology for what?
For all the things I said about
you while I was looking for you.
Ha ha ha!
[Both laughing]
Well, I guess we better put
Mr. Howell's check in a safe place,
eh, gilligan?
Yes, I've already done that.
It's right here in my pocket.
Mr. Howell's saving me from
getting stuck with $3 million.
What?
Instead of giving me money
he gave me an oil company.
Why do you want an oil company?
Mr. Howell can explain it better than me.
Yes, ho well.
Start explaining.
Well, you see, I settled the debt by
giving gilligan one of my oil companies.
Yeah, I'm president of the
tehachapuku oil and mining corporation.
Tehachapuku oil and mining?
What is that?
Well, that's 200 acres of land
in, uh, dust bowl, Oklahoma.
Dustbowl? I never heard of it.
What part of Oklahoma is that in?
Well, sometimes it's north,
and sometimes it's south.
It depends on which way
the wind is blowing.
In other words, gilligan
here is the proud owner
of a worthless oil company.
What do you mean, worthless?
I got $3 million for it.
Hah!
I guess I didn't do
such a smart thing, huh?
I'm afraid not.
What's our next move?
Your next move
is to get out of my chair, gilligan.
Okay, dad.
Skipper, gilligan. Skipper.
Gilligan, hurry up with that coffee.
Coming right up, skipper.
Pass me those mango preserves
will you, lovey, my dear?
They're full of vitamins, darling.
Thank you.
Really, Mr. Howell, I think you
big businessmen are terrible.
How can you eat a thing after
what you've done to poor gilligan?
The lion always gorges itself after the kill.
It's the nature of the beast.
Well, I still say it was a dirty trick.
Kid wakes up this
morning, he's a millionaire.
Look at him now: He's waiting on table.
Yes, you really ought to be
ashamed of yourself, Mr. Howell.
Well, don't blame me. I can't help it
if the kid squandered his
fortune on bad investments.
Yes, but you're the one
that sold it to him.
I'm not known as the wizard
of wall street for nothing.
Nobody gets the better of
thurston in a business deal.
When it comes to making money
he seems to have a green thumb.
Alright, Mr. Howell, you're
such a Wheeler-dealer
how come you bought
that phony oil property?
I didn't buy it.
It was a wedding gift from lovey's father.
Oh, thurston, you know
how embarrassed daddy was
when he found out what dust
bowl, Oklahoma, really was.
He thought he'd given us
a football stadium.
Mr. Howell: Afterthe wedding.
Ooh! Oh, I almost forgot.
It's time for the 10:00 wall street news.
Newsman: And industrials are
up 1.2 over yesterday's close.
Now for the big news
on wall street today.
Thurston ho well has done it again!
Well, good for him.
Wait a minute, that's me.
What have I done?
A huge oil strike has been reported
in the ho well holdings
in dust bowl, Oklahoma.
Reports from the scene
indicate this could be
the richest oil field
ever found in the state.
However, as black gold gushes
into the Oklahoma sky,
everyone is asking the same question:
Where is the man who owns the fabulous
tehachapuku oil and mining company?
[Click] I'll tell you where he is.
He's right here having a
nice breakfast with his dad.
Move over and make a
little room for my boy, ho well!
Hello, son.
Hi, skipper.
Uh-uh-uh.
Oh, I mean, hi, dad.
And what's my boy doing there?
Well, it's sort of a surprise.
What kind of surprise?
Everybody's been so nice to me
I thought I'd take some of my
money and buy 'em a present.
That's very nice of you, gilligan.
Well, the professor likes
to experiment with stuff
so I thought I'd get him
a science laboratory.
A science laboratory?
Yeah, I was gonna buy him a tie
but I don't know if wears one.
And I want to get Mary Ann
the biggest farm in Kansas.
Hold it, those are pretty expensive gifts.
What good is money if you can't
do something nice for your friends?
But you don't have to
spend a fortune doing it.
Real friends don't care.
It's not the gift that counts,
it's the thought.
By the way, had you thought
about what you're going to get me?
Sure have. You get the
best present of them all.
Oh, gilligan. I don't want you
to spend a lot of money on me.
You don't?
No, sir. Oh.
Oh, but of course,
if you've already gotten it,
I wouldn't want to take it
back. What did you get me?
I can't tell. It's kind of a surprise.
Aw, come on, gilligan. No.
Not even a little hint? No.
Gilligan, what did you get me?
A boat. A boat!
A boat! A boat.
You shouldn't have.
Well, I haven't yet.
But you're gonna.
You bet I am.
What kind of a boat
are you gonna get me?
I don't know, skipper.
How about one like the old minnow?
What would I want
with an old tub like that?
You can have any kind of boat you want.
And I'm gonna get you
lots of other presents, too.
Gilligan, I don't know what to say.
I better get out of here before
I start bawling like a baby.
Are you alright, skipper?
It's just that I'm a little choked up.
I better go with you, huh?
No, you stay right here
and finish that list.
And another thing, gilligan
I don't want those other
vultures coming in here
and taking advantage of you.
So keep this door locked.
We don't have a lock.
That's right.
Well, don't let anybody
in this hut, understand?
Yes, sir. And that's an order.
Aye, aye, skipper.
Son.
I think I'll buy Mary Ann
the whole state of Kansas.
Anybody home, gilligan?
"S.s. Minnow."
What's the matter?
New dress?
Like it? I made it out of your duffel bag.
I hope you don't mind.
No. My duffel never looked so good.
Skipper said nobody could
come in here while he was gone.
Well, I just wanted to talk to you.
Oh. Well, let's go out there.
Okay.
I know how busy you are with
your oil Wells and everything
but I just wanted to tell you
how proud I am of you.
Oh, I'm not busy.
I think it's absolutely thrilling
the way you outsmarted Mr. Howell.
It was?
Yes. I never dreamed you were so clever.
Neither did I. What did I do?
You're so modest, too.
Everyone knows that that land
wasn't worth a cent
until you took it over.
You're a very remarkable man, gilligan.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I think that your life story
would make a wonderful
movie for some studio.
What studio would make
a movie about me?
Any studio you owned.
And you know what?
What?
I'd just love to star in it.
But you don't look a thing like me.
No, silly. We'd get
rock Hudson to play you.
I'd play your wife.
But I'm not even married.
Well, you would be if you
looked like rock Hudson.
There you are, gilligan.
Please forgive me for a
moment, will you, ginger?
I just want to steal a
little of gilligan's time.
I know what you want to steal, ho well
and you're not going to get away with it.
Well, I was merely
inviting gilligan to dinner.
Oh, well, fine. We'd be glad to come.
You'll be there, too?
I think I'd better be.
Fine, fine. Glad you can come.
I thought you were
standing watch duty tonight.
Oh, I am, Mr. Howell.
In fact, I'm going to stand guard duty
until I can get gilligan off this island.
It's so nice that you could come.
We're delighted to have you.
I'll have dinner ready in a few minutes.
I'm just finishing the bananas.
Alright, lovey, my dear.
Take all the time that you want.
Oh, gilligan, would you
take a chair, please?
And captain, how's this chair
for a man of your, rather, shall we say..
Are you both comfortable in that chair?
No, but we're safe.
Say, that was some news
we heard this afternoon
on the radio, wasn't it?
It sure was.
Well, gilligan, my boy,
how does it feel to be in the oil business?
Well
how does it feel
to be out of the oil business, Mr. Howell?
I must say, the joke is on me.
Mrs. Howell and I laughed all afternoon.
Ha ha ha ha. I'll bet.
How much?
Purely a figure of speech.
Surely you're
a man of the world, captain.
You see nothing wrong
with, shall we say, a game of chance?
It all depends on what the game is.
What kind would you like?
Cards? Dice? Roulette?
Not interested, Mr. Howell.
There's only one game that I
ever gamble on, and that's pool.
Pool?
Now, were you to have a pool table
I might be interested
in placing a bet with you.
Shall we
Lag for break?
9 in that pocket, 10 over here
and the 11 the hard way in there.
Let's see. I'll do it banking off Off the
Gilligan!
The 11 in the far pocket, the 2 over there
the 3 up there
and the 7 in the pocket right here.
13 and 10 in this pocket,
the 2 in the side pocket
the 9 and 14 up here, respectively
the 8 in that pocket, the 11 in there
and the little 4 ball down here
in what I call a difficult
but delightful shot.
Thurston, when are
you men going to eat?
Just one more game, Mrs. Howell?
But your breakfast is getting stone cold.
Rack 'em up again, ho well.
Why don't we settle up
before we start another game.
Settle up? What for?
You owe me quite a lot.
I beg your pardon.
Do I look like the type of man
who'd run out on a $12 million bet?
As a matter of fact, you do.
However, if gilligan
will just sign this note.
What kind of note?
Well, it's just a note.
You just sign right there at
the bottom, gilligan, my boy.
"I owe you $12 million
payable on demand."
Just sign at the bottom.
Don't worry, gilligan.
I'll win it back for you the
first chance I get to shoot.
I know you will, skipper.
Keep the pen.
Rack 'em up again, ho well.
I think his luck is just about to change.
It already has. I want my 12 million now.
Now? He just signed a note for you.
Well, the note says payable on
demand, and I demand payment.
But I don't have that much money.
Well, certainly you have
something worth $12 million.
Watch, cuff links Oil company?
Oh, yeah. I forgot. My oil company.
No, no, no. It's my oil company.
Ha ha! Ha ha!
The wizard of wall street strikes again!
Hello, skipper.
I hear you had dinner
with the howells last night.
Yes, a catered Chuck wagon affair
all you could eat for $12 million.
All you could eat for $12 million.
That's a pretty funny one,
isn't it, skipper?
Ha ha ha ha. Sit down, gilligan.
Oh, goodness. It's time for
the 12:00 stock market report.
Oh!
Newsman: And rails
held steady at the close.
Of course, the street is still talking about
the latest news
out of dust bowl, Oklahoma.
What news?
Newsman: Further investigation
by the ho well corporation
has revealed the true source
of the gusher.
Their drill had punctured
the tank of an oil truck
which had been buried during one of
the frequent dust storms in that area.
Tehachapuku oil and mining
stock is worthless.
Meanwhile, the search continues
for the owner of this desolate wasteland.
Once again we ask,
where is thurston ho well?
I'll tell you where he is.
He's right down there.
Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phones, no lights ♪
no motorcars ♪
not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
for 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪