Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e13 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Mail's here.
Uncle Joe, from New York.
Must be the necktie you ordered
with your name painted on by hand.
No doubt. BETTY JO: Hey, Mom.
Yes, yes, for you, for you.
Anything for me? What's in the big one?
For Billie Jo, from the Hollywood Lingerie Company.
Better not be black.
I, uh, ordered pink.
Hope they didn't make a mistake.
If they're black, they go in your hope chest
and not in your bureau.
Bobbie Jo.
Oh, it's my latest selection
from the book club.
Don't start reading until I get a chance to look at it.
Oh, my goodness!
It's a Hollywood glamour wig.
It's guaranteed to bring new excitement into my life
or I get my money back.
Do I look like a movie star?
Yes.
Like an old movie star named Harpo Marx.
I bet she was beautiful.
Oh, the things those silly kids
throw away their good money on.
Oh! Oh, I hope it didn't break.
That's my genuine.
Scat Wrinkle Magic Youth Beauty Cream.
Uncle Joe, aren't you going to take your tie in the closet
and see if it lights up the way it's supposed to?
In a while.
Oh, no, I can't believe it!
It's too good to be true!
What is it, Mom?
Mrs. Stroud is coming to look us over.
Who's Mrs. Stroud?
You mean you never saw Gladys Stroud's travel column
in the Centerville Sun Express?
Oh, that Mrs. Stroud.
Gee, that's swell, Mom.
Oh, sure.
Her recommendation can make a hotel.
I've been trying to get her here for three years.
I wonder what she means by that?
"Thrilled by your exciting brochure."
Same brochure we've been sending her for four years.
It never got her excited before.
Hmm.
I wonder what's in here to fire up her boilers.
"Each floor with its own private bath."
That isn't very exciting.
"Most rooms with screens.
Flyswatters free on request."
That couldn't have done it.
"Enjoy the summer heat without noisy air-conditioning."
Well anyway she's coming.
Uncle Joe.
Uncle Joe, guess who's coming to stay with us.
Gladys Stroud
The newspaper column Stroud.
Yeah, I know.
When I called Centerville Sun Express to stop her,
they told she was already on her way here.
Oh, can you imagine.
I'm so excited.
You called to stop her?
You didn't say that did you?
That's what I said.
When did you call the Centerville Sun Express
to stop her, and why would you do that?
Skip when, get to why.
As soon as I found out about the mistake,
I rushed right into Hooterville and called her right then.
Is this going to be something
I can take standing up or is it a sitter?
It might be a fainter.
What mistake did you find out about?
Well, you remember when I told you about
making up that brochure
"The Shady Rest Hotel of the Future"?
You mean the one you were going to use
to get a big loan at the bank.
The one all about swimming pools and tennis courts?
That's the one.
Well, I just wanted a few copies
of my brochure of the future made up
to show to the bank Uncle Joe.
Yeah?
The way this story is going
Put away the knife.
You ain't the type.
I know, but don't put temptation in my path.
Now, go on.
So the new man at the print shop
made a mistake, and he
mailed out Uncle Joe's crazy brochure
to our regular mailing list.
And that's the one Mrs. Stroud got.
You mean she's coming here
expecting to see a swimming pool
and tennis courts?
And private baths and whatever
else what's-his-name dreamed up.
What's-his-name? She means Uncle
I forbid you to mention that person's name.
Look, Mom, couldn't we
just explain the mistake to Mrs. Stroud?
Like the owner of the hotel in Greenville
tried to explain to her
when she found out his new chef was Canadian and not French
like he had said in his advertisement?
Oh, yes.
She practically ran him out of business.
She even tried to put him in jail
for false advertising.
Oh, hello, girls.
Anybody talks to him gets her wig taken away.
And if he knows what's good for him,
he better get down to Hooterville
and get Mrs. Stroud before she gets on the train
and talk her out of coming here.
Well, what's he supposed to tell her?
That woman's supposed to be a rip-snortin' she-devil.
Well, he better tell her the truth,
and beg her to forgive him,
so she won't close us up for false advertising
and so she won't put him in jail.
That's my advice to him.
Now hold on just a minute.
We're being awful serious about this.
It's kind of comical when you think about it.
Just a little mistake.
Just a little funny mix-up.
It's kind of humorous.
Well, I've got news for him.
If making up crazy brochures
full of tennis courts, swimming pools
and private baths,
and getting those brochures sent by mistake
to a woman who's more than likely
gonna close me up and deprive a poor widow
of her only means of support
and her three fatherless daughters,
might be funny to him
but to me, it's a far piece from Barney Google.
Here comes Willie Trankis' taxicab.
Must be Mrs. Stroud.
Now don't you be afraid of her.
You just tell her the truth
and throw yourself on her mercy.
Good luck.
And I'll see you later.
Throw myself on her mercy.
And I intend to report you
to the Better Business Bureau.
But, ma'am, it ain't my fault
if that meter jumps ten cents when we hit a bump.
I always take it off the bill.
Yes, when you get caught.
I'll see that you're prevented
from cheating the public.
Listen, ma'am, I got me three kids to support.
Gladys Stroud never lets sentiment sway her
from her duty to her public.
That mercy I'm gonna throw myself on
I don't think there's enough there to break the fall.
I wonder what's taking Uncle Joe so long
getting back from Hooterville.
Well, it probably took him a couple of hours
of talking to Mrs. Stroud to get up the nerve
to tell her the truth.
You think everything's all right then, Mom?
Oh, sure.
By now, he's explained all about the mix-up
with the brochures and everything,
and she's had a good laugh,
and she's on her way back to Centerville.
That must be Uncle Joe now.
Right this way, Mrs. Stroud.
You can see the swimming pool
and the tennis courts in the morning.
Well, suppose she does have to leave
first thing in the morning.
The train doesn't get here till 11:00.
Now, she's still gonna want
to see the tennis courts and swimming pool.
I'm gonna tell her the truth.
Now, now get a hold of yourself, Kate.
I've got it all planned.
Floyd and Charley are going to have the train here
at 8:30 instead of 11:00.
But it's crazy.
She'll be here tonight.
We'll never make Mrs. Stroud think
she's in a hotel with private baths,
swimming pools and tennis courts.
Well, it's the bowling alley
and the indoor ice-skating rink that's got me worried.
Ice-skating rink?!
Uncle Joe, what else did you put in that brochure?
You better tell me.
Well, there's there's no sense in us both being sick.
Uh, just put yourself in my hands, Kate.
I got you into this trouble, and I'm going to get you out.
Now, just say to yourself,
"I'm leaving myself in Uncle Joe's capable hands."
I just wish there was something
less ridiculous I could say to myself.
Now, listen, I put her bags
in the room right next to the bath.
I'm going to put my big radio up there.
And this.
What's that?
Don't you remember when I sent
for them two-way telephones from that catalogue?
I'm going to run a wire from her window down to this.
Then, she'll be able to call down for room service.
We'll make out like we got a switchboard, get it?
Oh, boy, are we gonna get it.
I can't go through with it.
I'm gonna tell her the truth.
It's the only way. No, Kate.
Well, maybe you're right.
She probably won't close the hotel.
She'll be satisfied just to send me to jail.
You're working on me now.
Oh, don't worry about me.
They won't keep Uncle Joe on that rock pile
more than a couple of months.
In fact, with my heart, I may not live that long.
All right, you old faker, you.
Get your tail out from between your legs.
I'll do my best.
Maybe we can make Mrs. Stroud think
that this is a first-class luxury hotel.
Kate, you'll never regret it.
I'm gonna run up to her room,
install this telephone and that big radio of mine.
This is going to be fun.
Uncle Joe?
Yeah?
You're cuckoo.
Takes one to know one.
Mrs. Bradley?
Cuckoo.
My mind was wandering.
Uh, how was dinner?
Oh, wholesome country cooking.
Typical of the region.
Well, so far, this seems
to be the primitive inn I've always imagined.
I can't believe it contains the lavish facilities
described in your brochure.
We try to keep it primitive at night.
You'll see all the lavish stuff in the morning.
I thought you served dinner in the crystal room.
Oh, boy.
The crystal room's closed for repairs.
Few cracked crystals.
You know about crystals, uh, y-you just
look cross-eyed at them and they crack.
I see.
Uh, well, I think I'll go up to my room and take a bath.
Oh, may I have my key?
Oh, yes, of course.
There we are.
Thank you.
Hey, Ma, did you see this?
Oh, my goodness.
That salesman from Ogden is taking a bath,
and Mrs. Stroud thinks that's her private bathroom.
Bobbie Jo, stop her Tell her anything.
Show her your snapshots.
I gotta go up the back steps
and get that salesman out of the bathroom.
Oh, Mrs. Stroud! Mrs. Stroud?
Oh, ho, they call her frivolous ♪
Fire! Fire! Hotel's on fire!
What's going on?
Mrs. Stroud's coming up to take a bath.
Well, Jehoshaphat, I forgot about the private bath.
Yeah, I'll get him out of here,
and you go through the bedroom
and clean up that bath, ya hear?
Fire? What fire? Where?
Where? Downstairs.
You go down the back stairs and wash off the suds.
But, Mrs. Stroud, don't you want to see any more pictures?
You can show me the rest of your pictures later.
I'm going to take my bath.
Hello, Mrs. Stroud.
Welcome to the second floor.
I see you're ready for your bath, Mrs. Stroud.
You certainly do get around.
Are you all right? Oh, yes, yes.
It's just when I run up the steps too fast
sometimes I kind of get the bends.
Hi, Mrs. Stroud.
I just put the big radio in your room.
Radio?
Oh, I suppose you don't get television here.
Well, I saw it in Greenville once
and I didn't get it there either.
It's a real good radio, though.
Once in a while she'll quit on you,
but just kick her in the side,
it usually brings her around.
I've kicked a lot of good entertainment out of that set.
Now, Mrs. Stroud, you go ahead, take your bath
and have a nice soak and a good night's sleep
and we'll see you in the morning. Yes, indeed.
Need anything, just pick up the phone.
Would you like a bowl of fruit
with some peaches and a few bananas?
That's a good idea. How about a couple of nuts?
Yes, how about that?
Feeling any better?
Mm-mm.
Suppose Mrs. Stroud wants to make a phone call
and she finds out we don't have any telephone wires
and that that phone on the wall
is just to give the hotel class?
Keep your mind cheerful.
She's leaving the first thing in the morning.
She won't have time to see anything.
Have to take our word for it.
Make you feel better?
Well Where's the gun? It's a rattler!
That's the phone. Mrs. Stroud.
Maybe she wants me to come up and kick the radio.
Well, what do I do? Pick it up.
Make out like you're a switchboard.
Hello, switchboard speaking.
Give her room service, please.
Just a moment, you'll connect her.
Just a moment, I'll connect you.
Good evening. Room service.
A glass of warm milk?
Right away, Mrs. Stroud.
Good night.
Nothing to it.
It wasn't hard. It was sort of fun.
Go ahead.
She probably wants to order some crackers with the milk.
Good evening.
What?
Just a moment.
Room service?
No, Chicago.
Oh, my goodness.
What'll I say?
I'm only good for room service.
Hello, Mrs. Stroud?
W-What number?
Randolph 6-1599.
Just a moment.
Uncle Joe.
I don't understand it.
Usually, in emergencies like this,
I can manage to come up with a brainstorm.
Uh, hello, Mrs., uh, Stroud?
Uh, there was a storm on the other side of the mountains
and some of the telephone lines are down.
Well, uh, yes, if they get it fixed tonight, I'll
Oh, in the morning.
Yes, fine.
Good night.
You're going to congratulate me?
You mean for being smart enough to have me around?
I was great on room service.
Good morning.
Yes, Mrs. Stroud.
All right.
What's she doing up so early?
She'll be down in ten minutes.
She'd like somebody to take her on a tour
so she can see the tennis courts,
swimming pool, bowling alley, indoor ice-skating rink,
and steam rooms.
Steam rooms?
Listen, I got an idea.
Oh, I'll bet it won't top steam rooms.
Listen, if we do it right,
we can get Mrs. Stroud on that train by 8:30
and have her convinced that we've got all the things
it says we've got in that brochure.
Now, here's what we're going to do.
It'll never work.
If everybody does like she's supposed to, it'll work.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
Steam rooms.
Well, a man's got to have a dream.
Conrad Hilton started with a dream.
Yeah, but he didn't print it up
and have it mailed to Mrs. Stroud.
Now, you Here she comes.
Battle stations.
Morning, Mrs. Stroud. Good morning.
Did you sleep well? Very well, thank you.
Um, are you going to show me around the grounds?
Oh, yes, I am, but, um, first I want you to see
a most unusual and fancy elevator.
Right over here.
Most folks don't appreciate how charming this elevator is.
Why, it doesn't even work.
Well, darned if you didn't put your finger right on it.
I want you to step in here
and get the full flavor.
Morning.
Oh, morning, young lady.
Uh, the tennis courts are to your right.
Have a good game.
Now, where were we?
Oh, yes, the elevator.
Uh pardon me.
I think I hear someone on the bowling alley.
Sorry, folks, no bowling until after 10:00.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Now, where were we again?
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
I wanted to point out certain things about
Pardon me.
I wonder if that Billy Stubbins
is on the indoor ice-skating rink again.
Billy Stubbins, you're going to have
to quit making those fast stops.
You're cutting up the ice something awful.
Now, stop it and slow down.
Billy Stubbins, I said slow down.
Smart-aleck kid.
Isn't that skating rink
a little close to the bowling alley?
Uh yeah, bu-but it, it works out.
You see, it, uh, it keeps the bowlers cool
and you automatically lose the game
if you knock over a ice-skater.
Oh, I think I'd like to see that skating rink.
Me, too.
We'll see it in a little while,
but first I want you to see
some of the historical facts in our lobby.
Now Hold still now.
Young lady,
you're supposed to use the back stairs
when coming from the swimming pool.
Sorry. Humph!
Kids.
- Now, over here, Mrs.
- Stroud
Oh, good morning, Miss Smith,
how was the golf course today?
Just lovely.
18 charming holes,
but of course we blondes have more fun than anybody.
Isn't she the same young lady
who just went out to play tennis
with a blonde wig on?
That was her cousin.
Is anybody using the steam room?
No, dear.
Have a good steam.
I'm sorry about all the interruptions,
Mrs. Stroud, but I just remembered.
Miss Smith's the one
who always leaves the steam door open.
Excuse me.
There's no steam.
Where's the steam?
Well, I guess it cooled off.
Close the door, Miss Smith, you're wasting the steam.
Uh, Miss Smith, the steam's going all over the place.
Just for that, Billy Stubbins, off the ice.
I've just got to have a look in there. No.
Oh!
And what else did she threaten?
I told you about closing us up and putting us in jail.
What else is there?
Where's Uncle Joe?
He went up to romance Mrs. Stroud.
Romance her?
That'll never work.
Well, he's desperate.
Says he won't let anyone close up this hotel.
Well, I'd sure like to hear what goes on in that room.
Oh, me, too.
Now, girls, you're not going to listen outside that door
like common snoops.
Mom Gee-whiz.
Going to do it like ladies, with your mother along.
You mean you don't believe I love you
more than I've ever loved anyone else before?
No.
If I'm lying, may my nose drop off.
I wish I could believe that.
Oh, y-you just ain't trying.
What attracted you to me?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it was that little glint of mischief in your eye,
or that little laugh that crinklies up your nose.
Oh You're just an old faker.
All right, I give up.
If I confess to lying and false advertising,
will you promise just to blast at me
and not hurt Kate and her girls?
You mean those three girls are her daughters?
Yes, ma'am, and they don't have any father,
and Kate's killing herself
giving 'em a good bringing-up and an education
and doing the work of six persons running this hotel.
And if she was to lose it, and I felt I was responsible,
well, I just wouldn't feel like living.
Darn.
I can't hear a sound through this door.
I hear talking, but I can't make out words.
Consarn those honest, solid,
early American builders.
Then you won't write anything bad about us in your column?
I'm not a monster.
You should have told me the truth yesterday.
Well, you closed that hotel in Greenville,
and, well, you were making monster noises
at Willie the cabdriver.
Well, I guess my bark is a lot worse than my bite.
And that fellow in Greenville deserved to be closed up.
Is that the little laugh that crinkles my nose?
You're adorable.
You're a prince among women.
I'm going to tell Kate and the girls the good news.
Oh, good, I'm glad you're all here.
Uncle Joe, what happened?
Well, you can stop worrying about Mrs. Stroud.
Then she's not closing us up after all.
Thank goodness.
Well it's nice to see you all so happy.
Thanks to you, dear lady.
Oh, we're so grateful.
Oh, you should be grateful to Uncle Joe.
Oh, that handsome devil.
Did it crinkle that time?
Mrs. Stroud, I jus
Oh, call me Gladys. Gladys
I'll be expecting you in Centerville Saturday night.
You're escorting me to my class reunion.
Oh, I've got so many plans for us.
I'll tell you all about it on the way to Hooterville.
Bye, everybody. Bye.
Poor Uncle Joe.
He's really too young to go steady.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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