Sunnyside (2015) s01e13 Episode Script

1 Here.
What's this? It's a doctor's note.
Employers have to make certain accommodations because of my depression and issues.
Accommodations, like what? You know, like quiet work environment, non-confrontational atmosphere.
Why are you giving this to me? Give me your money.
So your job is mugger.
Yeah, and you're my employer.
Unbelievable.
Why would you say that to me? Being underestimated is like the root of my depression.
How was I supposed to know that? Oh, I'm sorry, did you not get the note? Yes, of course, sorry.
Keep the note.
I'm here most days.
Excuse me, is there a problem here, gentlemen? Yeah, this guy just mugged me.
It's okay, he's got a note.
Oh, Tom, I'm so lucky to have met you, I've dated so many jerks.
I love you so much.
I love you too! Tom, will you Raining frogs? I guess climate change is real.
It's the Rapture again.
Again? I thought that was a once in a lifetime kinda thing.
Yeah, that's what I thought the first couple of times.
Well, bring it on.
As long as you and I can be together forever.
Tom, will you marry Really, God? Really? Ohh, ugh.
Hoot Dandridge here with the Sunnyside Weather.
We've got Rapture in the forecast with a chance of pestilence, blood and frogs! Might want to put off planting those tomatoes, folks.
Ugh.
Isn't that Dave Hinderchuck? Holy crap, hey, guys! Dave 'the Puck' Hinderchuck! Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave! Can I have your autograph? Oh, sorry, kids, my manager won't let me give them away for free.
Come to my next card show and buy some licensed merchandise.
Whatchu doing in Sunnyside? Isn't that that sick kids' house? Yes, Mr.
Hinderchuck has agreed to meet Little Paul on behalf of the Last Wish Association.
'Cause Dave Hinderchuck gives back! Publicity doesn't hurt, and I give the kid's life meaning by letting him meet one of the greats before he croaks.
If you visit sick kids, my mom is an anti-vaxxer, so it's only a matter of time.
Sorry kid, terminally ill only.
When you get the plague, give us a call.
Excuse me.
What the hell is happening here, Star Trek convention? No, Kimmie, it's the Rapture.
It's only supposed to happen for the second coming of Christ, but these days, he's back in Sunnyside like every other weekend.
Jesus! Jesus Oh, so these holy rollers are headed to Heaven? Don't bother, Georgette, you're not on the list.
Well, forget it, if God's not taking her, then he doesn't get me.
Hoes before bros! He's not taking any of us Kimmie, only the in crowd gets raptured.
The rest of us working stiffs get the shaft.
Well, you know what that means? Fashion week! Oh, these are nice! Surprise! It's me.
Only got a sec before I rush off, so your life may be short, but at least you got to meet me.
Anything you want me to sign? Who the hell are you? Dave 'the Puck' Hinderchuck.
I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
Hmm.
Don't tell me you're not a sports fan.
Good guess, bobble head.
Whose hockey cards are those? Mom, there's a guy in here trying to touch me! I was MVP three years running, come on kid! Back off, man, you can't hit a dying kid, I've got Rodrigues-Forbes syndrome.
Then I don't have much time.
For what? To make you love me.
Eww.
So, as a catholic girl, how long should I wait before I start dating again if my husband has been taken by the Rapture? The vow is till death do you part.
He didn't die, he was raptured.
God screwed you with a loophole, ha-ha Next! Just don't ask my opinion because you always ask it and then you ignore my advice.
You're my husband, you're smart and I value your opinion and I hate making decisions.
Fine, here's what you do, you let her go.
It's been long enough, you gotta think about quality of life.
That's incredibly cold, let's just ask the Hole.
- Oh, I knew it.
- Okay.
Hole, should I pay my mom's ransom? That was a delicious meal, thank you very much.
Oh, don't thank me, thank company policy.
Our treat for the birthday boy.
I gotta go back to work.
- Oh, right.
- Oh, no, not you.
You don't have to go back to work.
'Cause it's my birthday? No, because you've been fired.
Your seniority was getting a little expensive, so we decided to replace you with a 10 year old with a laptop in Vietnam.
But the lunch? Company policy, we always take employees out for lunch when we fire them.
Yours was just a lucky twofer, saved the company about thirty bucks.
This is crazy, it's my birthday.
Oh, that reminds me.
You got me a birthday present? Oh, no, that's the contents of your desk.
Okay, yeah.
This is your birthday present.
That's smelly soaps.
My cousin makes them, so if you like those, there's more where that came from.
Oh.
I don't believe this! Aww! Ohh, it's gonna be okay! I feel so blindsided.
There is another reason that we take employees out for, uh lunch.
- Sex? - Mm-mm.
Okay.
That's the kind of can-do attitude we like in an employee.
former employee.
You're still fired.
And I'm a terrible person.
But I do have a corporate rate at the Super 8.
So, we removed the mass.
It was a tumor, wasn't it? Oh, I knew it was a tumor.
First, I didn't get picked for the Rapture and now this.
How long do I have, Doc? It's not a tumor.
It's a vestigial twin.
I have a twin? Not anymore.
It happens all the time: one twin absorbs the other twin in utero, resulting in one birth.
I have a twin? No, you have a mass of hair and bone.
Oh, and look, some teeth.
I have a twin! I'm gonna name him Clarence.
I got a new friend One who's better than the rest If you're lookin' for a friend He's the best He's the best I got a new friend Now I'm lucky as can be I got a new friend And he's got me He's got me I'm grabbing a coffee, you want something? Not talking today? Did I do something? Dixon? Dixon.
Fine, be a jerk! Two Dixons?! Fooled you again! Being twins is the greatest! No, Clarence! No! Heaven just got another pickled angel.
Hey, Teddy.
Kimmie thinks this outfit makes me look like Kate Middleton.
What do you think? You got any extra painkillers? I need something for my ghost leg.
I think to be a ghost leg, it needs to be cut off first? Yeah, well, I have early onset, what have ya got? You are not allowed in here, you thief! Thief?! I would never steal from Teddy's work! You don't crap where you eat.
Well, except at my house, but that's only because there's no wall between my bathroom and my kitchen! Shoplifters.
No, Teddy, I told you.
Stop, thieves! Run for it! Look, Denise, since you're here, I have something very special I'd like to ask you.
You want a New Brunswick soap sock, well, fine, just hand over the goods and I'll meet you in the alley.
Uh, no, it's, um, this.
Holy shit.
I could get 500 for this.
Uh, a bit more, I mean, three months salary is kinda the rule.
You have just made my weekend! That diamond ring is a symbol of a lifelong commitment for both of us.
Uh huh.
Oh! It broke my tooth! That means it's real.
Listen, I have something very special I want to ask you, just stay right there.
Denise, will you Oh, you're sweet, but Teddy, I'm not who you think I am, I mean, I am no girl scout.
That's okay, I'm no boy scout.
Not anymore, I'm a voyager scout.
Ahh I can't, I can't do that to my big old honeybear.
Uhh.
Move it! I carded those girls in the alley and they beat me up.
How about your friend, she take something? Yeah, she took something.
My heart.
Oh! She left me a tooth though! Sorry for your loss, basketball? Basketball, no.
I read somewhere that basketball helps with the grieving process, or maybe that's just baskets or maybe it's fries, suit yourself.
Oh.
What do you think of the makeup? It looks like he's just been jogging huh? Thank you, Morgan does look like himself.
Well, of course he does, it's not like we would switch the bodies, not when it's an open casket.
I hope you don't mind, I left his pants off.
Wha-what? - Oh! - Made you look! It's okay to laugh, it's cathartic or maybe that's basketball.
Mimosa? So tell me, are you relieved? Relieved? I just lost the man I love.
Yeah, okay, he was a provider, but I saw him naked, I know it wasn't a physical thing and he was a sourpuss.
I used almost 20 pins just propping up his mouth.
Oh, my dear God.
Oh, TMI, I'm not supposed to mention these things.
I won't mention how I irrigated his butt.
Thank you.
It's your time girl, go out there, kick up your heels, drink too much, dance, sleep around, that's what I would do.
That's what I do do.
Renee, what are you doing out here? What did I tell you? They're loved ones, not puppets.
What else? Don't talk to the sad-ies.
And don't call them sad-ies, especially to their sad, sad faces.
You're fired, Renee, Madam, I am terribly sorry No, no, please don't fire her, yes, she is outrageously insensitive, but at least she helped me forget my grief for a brief moment.
Really? Stay with me, Renee, and distract me by being yourself.
You've got it, sister.
Fire her.
Yeah.
Chai latte for the man with hot dog nipples, for the unfortunate gentleman with hotdog nipples.
Ah, reinforcements, thank Hades you're here.
Ah, table four and six.
Ugh, Mondays.
Hoot Dandridge with the morning drive.
Haven't been raptured? Sign up for the Sunnyside 4K Walk.
Isn't it a beautiful day, Pauly, aren't you glad you came out? - The air hurts my skin.
- Hello Sunnyside! Oh, what's this? Folks, I am proud to announce the formation of the Dave Hinderchuck Fund.
Together, we can cure Rodrigues-Forbes syndrome.
And do you know why? This is why.
This brave little man, Paul, together, we can save him and to get this charity started on the right foot, our first donation.
That's your cue, Bernadette.
A cool hundred grand straight from me to you.
Which is a bit beyond my write off limit, but I believe in this kid.
So, what do you say, fella? I don't know who you are.
Hey, uh, who would win in a fight between a lion and a polar bear? I happen to know this, it's a polar bear every time.
Beauty thanks.
There's no line up, you can ask another question if you want.
Ah, I've actually got to get to Mayor Fred's backyard to put 50 bucks on the polar bear, but thanks.
Kayla? You look exactly like your profile pic.
Thanks, you too, happy face emoji.
Have you been here before? Honestly, I have their menu app on my phone; - I ordered us Bruschetta in the cab here.
- Ouu.
Okay.
Ugh.
Ahh! Hashtag that moment when he realizes you're gluten free.
Me too! But watch.
Oh, my God, hashtag life hack.
What are you gonna order? I think I might get this shrimp thing.
I'll get the chicken thing.
Ordered, cool, the chef is peeling your shrimp now.
Oh, yay.
- Hot.
- Send it to me.
Ooh, okay.
Now send me a pic of you, but like, a sexy pic.
Actually, we're gonna take that to go.
Oh, honey, you're here just in time, I want you to meet our new nanny, Ludvilla.
Oh, hello! Ludvilla, the job ahead of you can't be measured in dollars and cents and that's why we aren't paying you, we're providing you with free room and board.
And now your room.
This way, come on, come on.
Now we have pushed the coats to one side so you can stand up comfortably.
Got a mattress for ya for lying down.
- Or sitting, your choice, go nuts.
- Mm-hmm.
The old Ludvilla crocheted this out of her own hair.
Mhmm, there's a flashlight here if you wanna eat your meals or write back to Ukraine.
And the bucket is for, well, whatever you'd like.
So you'll stay in here when we get tired of looking at you, you'll pop back out whenever we say so.
Sounds good? Okay.
We'll just let you get settled into your new home here.
Mhmm, welcome to the free world.
Welcome to our family, Ludvilla, we hope you'll be very happy here.
Ah, exhausting, let's celebrate with a glass of wine.
Ooh.
Oh.
You're on! Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell! I have a good feeling about this.
Hmm, me too! Good news, little buddy, the fundraiser was a huge success.
Too late, creepy, I'm too far-gone.
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not too late.
See, this used to be my kidney, Paul, now it's yours.
All yours.
Get lost, weirdo, I'm not supposed to take stuff from strangers.
I am not a stranger.
I'm Dave freaking Hinderchuck, you little jerk.
Wait, Paul.
Can you confirm that Little Paul has passed away? Paul fought hard to the end, I tried hard to save him, but even my famous slap shot was not powerful enough to get past God's glove hand.
That's why I'm giving up hockey.
Except for using it as a metaphor in virtually all my sentences.
I'm hanging up my skates and I'm dedicating my life to finding a cure.
Dave, why is this so personal? What are the teams chances without you there? Hope that's the last we see of that weirdo.
Honey, I know you weren't a fan but Dave really tried hard for you.
Who's Dave? Okay, well.
Honey, I got you shrimp chips! Baby? Shrimp chips.
Oh, no! He's raptured.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Oh, baby, why? Why?! Why, why? Oh, why? Sorry, time for a refill, actually.
Stop groping me.
Excuse me for showing a little attention to my prude of a wife.
You really are an ass-hat.
Oh, you got a pole stuck up your asss You're not my wife.
I'm sorry, I thought you were my husband.
Me too, this is so embarrassing.
Don't worry about it.
You're such a prude.
Stop groping me.
Hate to lie to the wife, but the important thing is I'm here.
Party night! So how'd you get away? Just told my wife I was going out for a beer.
Steph, this 'cosmo Rapture party' is the best idea I totally needed it after everything that's happened today.
Yeah, I hate Mondays.
And the Rapture.
But we all love cosmos.
Woohoo-hoo.
I thought we would try something different at this party, something I read about in this magazine.
'8 ways to wow his wiener'? - Mm.
- Yeah.
It's called 'self improvement party', it's a game where we each pick one person and then we say one nice thing about her and one way that she could improve herself and then, at the end, everybody feels great That's brilliant! and they have a goal to work towards.
It'll bring us even closer.
Best idea ever.
Now who needs to run a hairbrush through her hair, biatch? Another cosmo related riot.
I know, can you believe this sh Oh, hey, '6 ways to update your orgasm'! Ooh, let me see that.
Looks like the fire department has the fire and those girls under control, so, as the sun rises on Sunnyside and the Rapture comes to a close, we say 'Good Morning!' to this sleepy little neighborhood called Sunnyside.
I'm Hoot Dandridge saying, ouhaa Protect her head! No, get in, get Stop