The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e13 Episode Script

1
Here's the story of a lovely lady ♪
Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way they all
Became the Brady bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
The Brady Bunch.
Hi.
Peter.
What are you doing home from school?
They sent me home.
Measles.
It's either measles
or a strange case of red freckles.
You have got a temperature.
They told me 101.1.
What's the record?
Never mind. That's one record
you don't want to break.
Right. You don't get
to hold the title very long.
I think you better go
upstairs and get into bed.
I'll phone the doctor, and be right up.
Measles. Let's hope all the others
don't start coming down with it.
Oh, that would be terrible.
Right. As the warden at
the state prison once said,
"I sure would hate to see 'em
all break out at once."
Alice
( chuckling )
Oh, no. Are you sure it's the measles?
Well, he's certainly
got all the symptoms
a slight temperature, a lot of dots
and a great big smile.
A great big smile?
No school for a few days.
Oh. Did you call the doctor?
I've been trying to, honey,
but the line's been busy.
Well, say hello to my dotted son for me.
Tell him I'll bring him some comic books,
and I'll see you later, dear.
Okay, honey. Bye.
Oh, Alice, have you
seen the thermometer?
Well, let's see.
The last time I used it
was in the roast beef.
Oh, you mean for people.
I'll get it.
Hello. May I please speak to Dr. Porter?
Dr. Porter, this is Carol Brady.
Would you mind stopping by the house?
One of the kids was sent home
from school with the measles.
Yeah. Thanks a lot.
Jan!
You've got measles.
Golly. Mothers are supposed
to know everything,
but do you have to keep proving it?
You've got a temperature, too.
What do you mean, too?
Peter was sent home from school
a little while ago.
Oh. What was his temperature?
101.1.
Oh, is that all?
I'm 101.2.
You get right into bed.
Dr. Porter's on the way over.
Can I tell Peter he's a point behind me?
I'm sure he'd appreciate your sympathy.
Now into bed, Jan.
( Muffled speaking )
I can't understand a word you're saying.
Wait till I get the thermometer out.
( Muffled speaking )
Five, four, three, two and out.
What's a seven-letter word for "drink"?
Good. Hasn't gone up a bit.
I need a seven-letter word for "drink."
Oh, seven-letter word for "drink."
JAN: Mom? Mom?
I'll be right back.
Your mother's in the kitchen, sweetie,
fixing that special milkshake you wanted.
Oh, yeah.
See what I drew, Alice?
Oh, that's beautiful, Jan!
Just beautiful!
Can you tell what it is?
Of course. It's a bird.
I don't mean that.
I mean what kind of a bird?
Oh
Peter: Alice!
Um I, uh I promised
Peter I'd help him.
Uh let's see.
A seven-letter word for drink.
I think I got it.
Limeade. That's seven letters.
It starts with an "S."
Now you tell me.
JAN: Alice!
Uh hey, uh how
how about soda pop?
That's two words.
Alice! I'll be right back.
Eagle.
Hawk.
Vulture.
It's a swallow.
Of course. It's a swallow.
PETER: Alice!
Swallow. I think I've got it.
Peter, you got your pencil ready?
Swallow.
I've got that one.
What's a five-letter word for exhausted?
Alice.
Well, Dr. Cameron, this is Mike Brady.
I've been wondering about Peter.
What do you mean, wondering what?
Didn't Carol call you?
Peter's got the measles.
( Chuckling )
Yeah. Maybe you didn't get
the message yet.
I'd appreciate it
if you'd drop by the house
and check him over.
Ah. Thanks.
I'll see you there. Bye.
( Doorbell rings )
Oh, Dr. Porter.
Please come in.
How are you, Carol?
Oh, fine. I'm sure glad
you got here so soon.
Now not only Peter,
but Jan has the measles.
That's pretty sneaky,
trying to get two for the price of one.
Well, I'll check her as
soon as I finish with Peter.
Oh, good. Will you tell
Peter I'll be right up?
I'm fixing something
in the kitchen for Jan.
He's upstairs, right?
Yeah. Boys' room first one on the right.
See you in a couple of minutes.
PETER: Mom?!
But, Peter, I am a doctor.
I've always taken care
of your mother's girls.
Then you're a girls' doctor!
No, I'm not.
I take care of little boys, too.
I'm a big boy! Mom! Mom!
What is it? What happened?
Come here.
Excuse me.
Mom, she's a woman.
We go to Dr. Cameron a guy.
But, Peter, a doctor is a doctor.
They don't take care of just boys or girls.
They take care of both.
Well, she's not taking care of me both.
JAN: Mom!
What is it?
Come quick!
Oh, what in the world?
Would you please explain it to him?
Now, Peter, you're being
very silly about this.
Mom!
Coming! Coming!
Jan, what's what's the matter?
Can't you see? There's a
strange man in my room!
If you put one hand on this
girl, I'll I'll call the police!
Mrs. Brady, I presume.
I think you presume too much
breaking and entering
and frightening a poor little girl.
You better have
a good explanation for this.
Well, I think I have
a rather good explanation.
You see, I'm a pediatrician.
Then what are you doing here?
I never heard of a doctor
going door to door.
Mrs. Brady, I've been
taking care of Mike's kids,
well, from the time they were born.
He asked me to come over.
Alice brought me up.
Oh.
Doctor, I'm sorry. I
My face must be as red as her dots.
Well, Mike didn't tell me
that he phoned you,
so, naturally,
when I saw a strange man
How can I apologize?
You already have very sweetly.
Well, uh gee,
I-I called Dr. Peter Porter.
Uh, she's in the room
with Porter Peter!
You mean Katherine Porter?
You know her?
No, but I've heard of her.
She's an excellent doctor.
A girl's doctor!
Why don't you just relax, Jan?
Well, I'll go in and talk to Dr. Porter.
I'm sure I can just straighten
this whole thing out
in a few minutes.
( Embarrassed chuckle )
Meantime, Jan and I
can get better acquainted.
Only if you keep your distance.
Jan
Sir.
Oh, Mike.
Listen. Conference time.
Well, I was just going in to
No. Come on, come on.
What's with the
conference at a time like this
when we have a kid
upstairs with the measles?
Two kids. Jan has the measles, too.
Oh, wow.
What did the doctor say?
Which one? There
are two doctors up there.
Why two?
Well, naturally, I called Dr. Porter.
And, naturally, you called Dr. Cameron.
One and one makes two.
Amazing. Two doctors
both making house calls.
They may be drummed out of the AMA.
You haven't heard the rest of the story.
Dr. Porter is a woman doctor.
Oh.
And Peter doesn't want a woman doctor.
( Chuckling )
Honey, I can't say I blame him.
A guy doesn't want a woman, you know
taking his temperature.
Well, Jan isn't exactly thrilled
about a man taking hers.
Dr. Cameron's a very fine doctor.
Well, Dr. Porter's a very fine doctor, too.
I mean she's taken
marvelous care of the girls for
What's wrong?
We've got the measles.
All four of us.
Correction: All six of us.
You mean Jan and Peter
have them, too?
Well, you better call Dr. Porter.
Dr. Cameron.
Dr. Porter.
Dr. Cameron!
Hold it.
They're both upstairs.
I like Dr. Cameron.
He gives lollipops.
Dr. Porter gives all-day suckers.
Doctors must have
an arrangement with dentists.
( Kids clamoring )
It surely was kind of both of you to come.
We, uh would like, uh
What I mean to
Well, Mike and I, uh
We certainly are going
to discuss this situation.
We understand.
It certainly isn't necessary
to double your doctors.
Well, we want who's best for the
what's best for the children.
Fine. You make your choice.
That's right, Dr. Cameron.
Right. And may the best man
uh or woman win.
( All chuckling )
Thanks again.
Bye.
( Sighing )
Oh, honey, will you
stop worrying and relax?
We'll use your doctor.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Why?
If we used my doctor,
and anything went wrong,
I'd never forgive myself.
Oh, fine! And we use my doctor,
and I'd never forgive myself.
Nothing doing!
Okay, if you insist, we'll use my doctor.
Fine. Hold it!
Uh-uh-uh.
Hold what?
You outmaneuvered me.
Use your doctor.
That's what you wanted all along
to use your doctor.
You object?
Then we can use your doctor.
Oh, no. That's not going to work either.
Oh, come on, Mike.
Why don't we just put it off
until you can decide which doctor?
At this point,
I'd settle for a witch doctor.
Oh, Greg.
You won my railroad.
I'll be a sport.
You can ride on it free.
Thanks a lot.
It's your turn, Peter.
All I need is two more houses.
A six.
Aw, missed it.
Boy, this is the life, isn't it?
Yeah. If you have to get sick,
sure can't beat the measles.
That's right.
No medicine.
Inside or out. Like shots, I mean.
Don't even mention shots.
Yuck!
Where did you land?
I won a 90-foot yacht.
Who owned that big yacht?
Jan.
Who cares? I get seasick anyway.
Marcia, would you please
tell Bobby to stop it?
Listen, you kids. You promised you'd stay
in the other room, and color.
That's what we're doing. We're coloring.
I colored a tiger,
then Bobby colored a giraffe,
and now Bobby wants to color me.
You?
My spots.
I thought they'd look better green.
Go back and color your books.
And, Bobby, her spots would
look rotten in green.
Hey, how about blue?
I could make her spots blue.
I like them red, like they are.
Go on, you two.
Back to your coloring books.
Oh, come on, Cindy.
MARCIA: Go on.
Those two act like such children.
Come on, Jan. It's your turn.
Boy, I sure am lonesome
for Mrs. Kittridge
and that algebra class.
I could almost cry.
Boo-hoo.
Yeah. Everything would be perfect
except for the doctors.
Especially that woman doctor.
Yeah. Women are supposed
to be nurses.
Men are supposed to be doctors.
Who says so? There are men nurses.
Where?
Yeah. Name one place.
The county hospital.
I just won it and, from now on,
it's going to have nothing but
women doctors and men nurses.
When are you girls going to give up?
Everybody knows men doctors
are better than women doctors.
You're not everybody.
You're not even anybody.
Did you hear that, Greg?
You keep talking like that, girls, and
Gentlemen, if you don't like
the conversation in this room
Which, by coincidence,
happens to be a woman's room.
True.
Then why don't you get lost?
Scram.
Come on, Peter. We can take a hint.
Yeah. It's time for lunch, anyway.
And just for that, Marcia,
no free rides on my railroad.
I know there's another one somewhere.
I just remembered where. In the garage.
I'll be right back.
( Bell rings )
Is that you, Cindy?
Yes, Mother.
Your orange juice is coming right up.
( Slide whistle blowing )
Yours, too, Bobby.
( Bicycle bell rings )
Oh, Marcia, can it wait?
( Bongos beating )
Greg, your father's looking for a bell.
Now please stop pounding
on those silly drums.
( Noisemaker grinding )
Happy New Year, Jan.
( Whistle blowing )
If you'll just wait a minute,
Sergeant Peter,
your lunch will be right there.
Oh, Alice, you know something?
I bet, when I go to sleep tonight,
I'm going to dream about bells.
I always dream about bells.
They're always the same kind.
Wedding bells.
And then I wake up.
( Cowbell clanging )
I found it.
No more bongo drums for Greg.
Oh, thank goodness.
Yeah. I kept getting the feeling
that the natives were getting restless.
Come on, Mike.
Let's take these trays up.
Okay.
We got everything here?
Well, I think so.
There are six luncheon trays,
uh five comic books,
four jigsaw puzzles,
Three magic tricks
Two ice cream bars
And one cowbell.
GREG: It's sure great how some
people can sing, while other people
are dying!
Why is it
that kids always say they're dying?
Because, to a child's mind,
that is the super way of getting even.
You have to admit, though,
the kids have been awfully good.
After all, they're
uncomfortable, they're itchy
Yeah. And stuck up in bed.
I think they've been really great.
Hardly any trouble at all.
( Cacophony of noisemakers )
You were saying, Mrs. Brady?
Coming! Coming!
Onward and upward.
After you, my dear Miss Nightingale.
Oh, thank you, kind sir.
( Noisemakers continue )
Okay, fellas, here we are lunch.
Lunch, lunch.
Everybody up.
Everybody get in line
'cause it's chow time,
and such chow you've never seen.
There, Greg. Isn't that beautiful?
I'd really rather have bologna.
Bologna?
That's a feast fit for a king.
Then give it to the king
and get me some bologna.
Mike, he's sick and irritable.
If he wants bologna, then
Okay, okay.
I'll get it.
Bologna!
Peter there you go.
Bobby
Cindy: Hey, Mom, whatever
happened to "ladies first"?
Be right there.
We came in this room first.
Broccoli yuck!
Here we go.
Oh, I'm starved.
Me, too.
Here you are, sweetheart.
There let me help you.
How come I always get
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
Because you love them.
Oh, yeah.
I keep forgetting.
And last but not least
Where's the gravy?
Oh, the gravy. I forgot.
Gravy, coming up.
We forgot the gravy for Jan's food.
She likes everything all mushed together.
Mushed?
Peter and Bobby want mustard.
All this up and down stairs
Have to pay a gym $100
for this much exercise.
CAROL: Now, Jan had chicken pox
and, uh, Marcia and Cindy had mumps.
There. Well, whichever
doctor we choose,
at least we'll have all the
information on all the kids.
Oh, except for poison oak.
Now, I know that none of the boys had it.
Well, none of the girls
had poison oak either.
Okay, scratch poison oak.
Oh, Alice.
( Giggles )
Greetings. How are things
in Brady General Hospital?
Well, we're still
featuring measles. Take a look.
What's this? Some kind
of wall-to-wall Scrabble.
Hey, it's a marvelous new idea,
but we sure could use your help.
What illnesses, diseases do you recall?
The doctors have kept records
that they can transfer
from one to the other.
Besides, this is wrong.
Now, none of the kids have
had the shots for distemper.
That's Tiger's column.
I figured I might as well
keep a record for the vet.
( Cowbell clanging )
Greg.
It's time for the kids' ice cream sundaes.
Ice cream sundaes? It's almost dinner.
( Bicycle bell ringing )
That's Marcia.
She's afraid we didn't hear Greg.
Kids. Just because they
have a few dots on their faces,
they think they can
order everybody around.
I think they're taking advantage now.
I've got to do something
about this memory of mine.
Mr. Brady, who was it
that had the flu last year
that had to have one hot
buttered rum after another,
in addition to crossword puzzles
magnetic solitaire game, dart board
and a pair of nails
twisted nails that had to be untwisted?
Oh, now, that's enough.
Which he never could get untwisted.
That was a very difficult puzzle.
Mike.
Hmm?
You know, we almost had
a very foolish argument last night.
About the doctors.
Look, we're both mature adults
with a reasonable amount
of intelligence, right?
Well, I think this business
of deciding upon a doctor
should be handled
on a very Logical, reasonable,
intelligent level.
Well, I couldn't agree more.
What do you suggest?
Let's toss a coin.
That's beautiful.
You happen to have one with you?
I mean, both sides the same?
Oh, look, Mike, I'm serious.
They're both fine doctors,
and we know that,
whichever one we choose,
the children are going
to have the very best.
Wait a minute. The children.
The children are the ones
who are sick, right?
Right.
Well, they've met
both of the doctors.
Let's let them make the choice.
But, girls, you can't avoid it.
Listen, there's going to come a time
when you're going to have
to use a doctor that's a man.
Look. What if you were
on a sinking ship,
and it was going down for the third time,
and you developed a bad cold,
and the only doctor available
was the ship's doctor
who happened to be a man?
Well, then, what would you do?
GIRLS: Drown!
Fellas, there's no difference
between a woman doctor
and a man doctor.
But, Dad, you're the one
who told us about the birds and the bees.
You got nowhere with the girls, huh?
Nope. Same progress with the boys?
Yup.
Doctors, doctors.
Carol, you have your own doctor, right?
Right.
You have your doctor.
I have my doctor.
Suppose I said to you,
"From now on,
you have to use my doctor."
What would you say to me?
Now, Mike, let's not go into that.
Exactly. And that's just the way
I would react.
We haven't switched to one doctor
just because we got married.
That's true.
Then why should
the kids switch doctors?
How about that? I'm a genius.
If you're such a genius,
how come you didn't
think of it yesterday?
I'm what you call a slow genius.
Well, we'll just have two doctors.
Yeah. One for the boys
and one for the girls. Simple.
( Doorbell ringing )
That must be a member
of our medical staff.
I wonder whose, yours or mine?
Oh, come in.
Dr. Cameron's here, too. Good.
How are the children?
Oh, they're getting along just fine.
We thought, before you went
upstairs to see the children,
we'd like to talk to you for a minute.
Well, of course.
Mike and I have finally
reached a decision.
Some families have two cars,
some families have two phones
Why not two doctors?
Why not?
Fine with us.
Uh by the way, if you call my office
and a man answers, don't hang up.
It'll be him.
Dr. Cameron?
Well, yes.
Since Dr. Porter and I met here,
we've been complaining to each other
about our long hours,
and the workload, and the
well, the problems of not having
a a an associate.
So we've decided to
combine our practice.
Well, congratulations.
Hey, that's wonderful.
Uh how long have you had
that red spot on your cheek?
What red spot?
Dr. Porter?
And the one on your chin.
Oh, no. Don't tell me
he's got the measles.
Of course, we can't be sure
until he's had an examination.
Well, we're practicing together now.
Which one of us do you want?
Well, I think,
in order to prove a point to the boys
Oh, never mind.
Dr. Cameron, he's all yours.
( Chuckling )
Measles, measles, measles.
Well, all the kids
have now had the measles.
So have I.
Well, I had them years ago.
Looks like the Bradys
are finished with the measles.
ALICE: Hold it.
You're not through yet.
Alice, don't tell me
you're coming down with the measles.
Oh, I hope so.
I'd hate to think
I was just learning
how to blush at my age.
"Alice."