Unsupervised (2012) s01e13 Episode Script
Reggie Dog Bites
1 [ Slurring .]
Gimme Carol.
Damn it, Reggie, for the last time, Carol's not home.
I don't know where she is.
Something important I wanna talk to her about.
It's about our "welationship.
" What? [ Mumbling .]
Reggie, I can't understand you.
You're too intoxicated.
Tell him he's no good for her.
And you're no good for Carol.
And I would really like you guys to stop seeing each other.
You little "fwigger"! I'll come over there and cut your ears off! [ Mumbling .]
What the hell? [ Shouts .]
[ Man .]
Hey! Watch it, dickhead! [ Shouting .]
[ Grunts .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Chuckles .]
This is my dart now.
[ Chuckles .]
Stupid freaks.
Hey, trash eater! [ Growls .]
Gimme that ham! I'm freakin' hungry.
[ Barks, Whimpers .]
[ Growling .]
[ Barking .]
[ Grunting .]
[ Groaning, Panting .]
Whoa! [ Groaning .]
Hey, are you all right, buddy? [ Sighs .]
Goddamn Sunday drivers.
[ Grunts .]
Easy, sir.
- [ Shouting .]
- He's attacking me! [ Shouting Continues .]
[ Groaning .]
[ Birds Chirping .]
Freakin' birds.
[ Chirping .]
[ Grunting .]
[ Electricity Crackles .]
Ohh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! [ Panting .]
I'm here, Carol.
[ Grunting .]
Stupid window, I'll kill you-- - Whoa! - [ Body Thuds On Ground .]
[ Groans .]
[ Organ Dirge .]
[ Whispering .]
Carol.
Holla at your boy.
Damn, dude.
[ Ends .]
Dang.
I can't believe Reggie's dead.
Never seen a dead body before.
It's a gruesome sight.
Yeah.
Although, I don't think dead bodies are usually covered in so many dog bites.
What a way to go.
Not looking forward to breaking the news to Carol.
Wherever she is.
Don't worry, boys.
Reggie's dancing with the angels now.
You stay away from my wife, Mr.
Reggie! Wear a condom! [ Chuckles .]
I'm kidding.
In heaven, there are no condoms.
I don't think Reggie's in heaven, Martin.
I'm certain he's not.
He's most definitely roasting in hell.
Hey, that's not very nice, Joel.
Well, he wasn't a very nice man.
He was a drunk asshole, all right? I'm pretty sure he was coming here to kill us.
Or at least cut off our ears.
Let's see here-- no relatives, no friends.
Seems the only relationship he had was with your stepmom, and that was purely sexual.
They also smoked pot together, if you want to include that? Either way.
He's your classic loner.
One-way ticket to an unmarked municipal grave.
Hey, uh, sorry for your loss.
[ Engine Starts .]
[ Radio: Upbeat Pop Song .]
Hey, I love this song.
They said he's gonna wind up in an unmarked grave without so much as a shirt on.
Hmm.
That's hard, man.
Sad way to go.
Not that sad.
Reggie was a dick.
I don't mean to disparage the dead, but it's true.
Man, I ain't never seen no dead body before.
Closest I came was when they carted out Whitney, and that was on TV.
Whitney who? Who you think? Whitney Houston.
Greatest singer of all time.
I'm concerned for Bobbi Kristina frankly.
Bobby Brown's still paying the bills singing "My Prerogative.
" Your prerogative should be to record some new damn songs.
One time I buried a dead rat under a sycamore tree in my backyard.
Russ, no one cares.
Do you guys notice how quiet I've been? Didn't really cross my mind.
Well, hold on.
I care.
Not so much about the rat because you talk about that all the time, but you never eat lunch with us, Russ.
What brings you to our table today? It's my birthday.
I like to sit with people and pretend they remember it.
Ooh.
Damn.
Yeah.
See now that makes me sad.
It's not sad at all.
I pretend my pillow's a birthday cake, and it can be any flavor in the world.
I had a chicken cake last year.
That's very creative, Russ.
My parents are getting divorced! Ah, damn.
I'm, uh, sorry to hear that.
It's a mess.
I've been acting out to show my parents how mad I am.
What do you think I'm drinking Kahlúa for? I don't know.
A woman's entitled to relax with a beverage on occasion.
Yeah, I didn't see anything wrong with that.
That's because you guys are from a broken home and your lives are insane.
I'm not from a broken home.
Your folks are my grandparents' age, and you have a 40-year-old brother who's in prison.
It's basically the same thing.
Huh.
This has been a real eye-opener.
I'll probably go unclaimed too when I die.
Carol won't even claim me when I'm alive.
Maybe we're not that different than Reggie after all.
Ah, crud.
See, now here I am starting to feel for Reggie's situation.
Ugh.
Maybe we could drop by some clothes at least.
I mean, no man should be buried without pants.
Yeah, I don't want that on my frickin' conscience.
Frick! Okay, wait, wait.
So, y'all are gonna leave school in the middle of the day to go put some pants on a corpse? Yes, Darius.
Because it's the frickin' decent thing to do.
Ah, the tragedy of a broken home.
Worst part is that's gonna be me soon.
You guys wanna sing me a birthday celebration song? No, thank you.
Nah.
[ Joel .]
Oh.
What the hell is all this? Ah, rats! You with the Health Department? Guys, we're doing the best we can.
You're breathing down my neck over here.
Let me do my job.
No, we're not from the Health Department, sir.
We're associates of the man whose heart exploded earlier.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Guys, come on! You got to look at the work orders! That's "cremate.
" Cremate.
So this is the city morgue? It's a little less dignified than I imagined.
Feels more like a tire factory.
You're not far off.
I got five counties coming in here now.
The world gets bigger, budget gets smaller and schlubs like me, we're footing the bill.
Yeah, well, we just wanna get these pants to Reggie.
The man who was mauled by dogs.
Dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs.
Oh, right, Reggie Dog Bites.
You're lucky.
He was almost on the boat.
What boat? You said he was going in an unmarked grave.
I didn't say where, smart guy.
We started outsourcing our unclaimed to China.
Like most things in this country, right? [ Chuckles .]
Oh, that's messed up.
You watch.
In a couple of years there'll be some egg rolls at McDonald's.
Yeah, I'll be buyin' 'em.
Despite my attitude, yeah, I'll be first in line.
No, I'm talking about the bodies.
They get buried in China? So they say.
But who knows what they do with them.
If I had to guess, they're doing something with their hair.
Using it for wigs or some kind of coat.
A coat? Oh, yeah.
Quality hair coat I imagine goes for a lot of money.
A sign of status probably.
Seems disturbing, but I'll chalk it up to cultural differences.
[ Phone Rings .]
Hello.
Ah, you gotta be kidding me.
This is gruesome! We're shipping off our dead like frickin' computers? Granted, Reggie was a real piece of shit.
Oh, totally.
Animal among men.
Even he doesn't deserve this.
I can't stand by and watch a man be turned into a hair coat.
It's gonna haunt me for ages.
All right, we'll be looking for him.
Look alive, fellas! Greyhound bus flipped over on the freeway.
Gotta cut lunch short.
[ All Groaning .]
Hey, don't blame me! Blame the potholes! Excuse me, sir.
You got one less body to worry about.
We're gonna handle the burial of Reggie Dog Bites.
But we're not happy about it, sir.
Yeah, whatever you say.
Guys, come on! Show a little respect.
Fastball.
Yeah.
Ah, this is dog shit.
When I woke up, I'd never even seen a dead body.
Now I'm in charge of burying one.
Maybe I'm mistaken, but I thought America was the greatest country in the world.
You'd think we'd dispose of our citizens with more dignity.
He's the guy, and he's got a joker face Hey, boys.
Yo, Martin.
We need some frickin' help.
Ah, you can't get Mr.
Reggie's blood off your stoop? Try a grocery store cola.
It will do the trick.
That's a good tip, but that's not why we're here.
We signed on as a responsible party for Reggie, and now we're in charge of burial arrangements.
Ah, that's an honorable gesture, boys.
Seeing as how you went through the process with your wife, God rest her soul, we were hoping you could point us in the right direction.
If you don't mind us asking, where did you lay your wife to rest? God rest her soul and let her sleep among heavenly Jesus.
My wife always wanted to be buried high on the hilltop under the weeping willow tree where we first made love.
And you fulfilled her dreams.
No.
She is here in the yard, right there to be specific.
What? You buried your wife in your yard? I thought that was a property marker.
I could not afford her wishes.
A funeral is very expensive, boys.
With the coffin and the flowers and the make-up, it's like a freakin' wedding.
You have like eight jobs.
You're a baller, man.
Back then I was working part-time at the Radio Shack.
I was broke as a joke.
Hey, the plight of the immigrant's not easy.
You hold your head high.
I was also extremely addicted to cocaine.
Well, that's harder to justify.
Anyway, we're not looking for a funeral.
Just a simple grave, maybe throw a couple stones on top.
You know, something basic.
Well, I hope you're hiding a thousand dollars cash in that mop top of yours, Mr.
Gary, because a cemetery ain't free.
[ Chuckles .]
A thousand frickin' dollars? Oh! That's morally indecent.
Hey, that's capitalism, muchacho.
Oh! America and its capitalism.
You know what? Lady Liberty's pissing me off right now.
[ Microwave Beeps .]
Oh, dude, I think Carol's back.
Maybe she can help us out.
- Yo, Carol! - What's happening now? Darius? What the hell are you doing here? Mom sent over a lasagna on account of you being in mourning.
I just went ahead and helped myself to a small piece.
That's a kind gesture, but we have bigger problems right now.
Hey, where's you milk? I want to cut this Kahlúa.
Megan, you're here too? Hold up, Gary.
Perhaps she brought a sweet treat.
Maybe some hard candy.
Hard candy? What am I, 90? I ran away from home.
I'm trying to freak out my parents.
Megan, I'm sympathetic to your situation, but a person died today.
I thought Reggie was a total piece of shit? Ahh! Yeah.
Oh, yeah, the worst.
The worst.
Look, we all agree he was a terrible man.
But a man nonetheless.
And due to circumstances that don't need to be elaborated on right now, we've signed up to bury him.
Man, y'all need to leave that shit alone.
Tell that dude at the morgue you changed your mind, man.
You wanna unsign up.
- Reggie's not at the morgue, Darius.
- Where the hell is he then? [ Screaming .]
What the hell is wrong with y'all! That's a dead body! Oh, my God! What y'all carrying a dead man around for? Oh, hell no! I mean, I can't believe they gave you a dead body.
Hey, the coroner was very stressed out.
He's got a lot on his plate.
I told y'all not to mess with no dead dude.
Now I'm involved.
All I want to do is eat some damn lasagna.
Darius, relax.
We frickin' got it under control.
Nigga, you ain't got shit under control! You went to give the dude pants and he ended up in your backyard.
Ooh, hey, can someone take a picture of me next to the body so I can send it to my mom? Oh, my God! Megan, don't disrespect the dead.
So what do y'all plan on doing? I mean, goddamn.
At this point, the best option seems to be burying him in the yard.
How is that your best option? Martin stressed that it has to be on private property.
He buried his wife in his backyard.
Um, excuse me.
You can't bury no dude in your backyard, okay? That's messed up and I ain't tryin' to trip over no skeleton.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where would you like to bury him, smart guy? How about his own damn yard? Huh.
Yeah, that's pretty good, actually.
Makes a lot of sense.
Probably where he wanted to be buried anyway.
Damn right it's good.
I got good ideas, 'cause I'm level-headed, bitch.
Well, you don't seem very level-headed right now.
If I had a hose, I'd smack your ass in the mouth.
All right.
All right.
I'll get the wagon.
Geez.
This guy's really touchy.
You see this right here? This is why you need parents to guide you and shit.
Just be thankful you got 'em at all, girl.
I know it's tough when they fight, but they love you.
They always gonna love you.
[ Shutter Clicks .]
I'm gonna get out this yard.
I don't know why I bother.
[ Both Panting .]
[ Dogs Howling .]
Eh, I think we're being followed by wild dogs.
Must be the same ones who attacked him last night.
They've got a taste for him now.
You sure this is it? All I know is that he lived next to a bong store.
- That's where he and Carol met.
- "When are you coming home for dinner?" That's her reaction? Huh! Can't they see I'm rebelling? Fine, Mom.
I'll come home for dinner.
And I'll bring my new bong with me.
To the bong store I go.
- Well, this is definitely Reggie's place.
- Not anymore.
They already got a Chinese family moving in to take his spot.
Huh? We send them our dead, they send us their living.
I'm guessing they won't want us to bury a man in their yard.
Couldn't bury him even if we wanted to.
Man, look at this shit.
How you gonna have a yard made of cement? [ Dogs Growling .]
Hey! Get out of here! Bad dogs! Get outta here! Shoo! Shoo! Don't be eating on the dead! Scram! Oh! Fighting off wild dogs now? This whole thing is becoming a huge pain in the ass.
Ohh! Whoa, that's screwed up.
They ran over his face! Okay, that's it.
I'm pulling the plug.
My innocence is being blasted to bits.
Yeah, I'm done.
We're bending over backwards for a man who wanted to mutilate us.
Let's just leave him here.
Yeah, I'm sure someone will find him and get him on the boat to China eventually.
Here's the stuff he had on him when he passed.
I'll put it with the rest of it.
[ Darius .]
He was carrying a bird egg? Yeah, not sure what his plan was with that.
Whoa! Look! There's mad pictures of Carol in here.
[ Gary .]
He was a romantic guy when he wanted to be.
[ Joel .]
He really loved her.
God! He is drunk there.
Oh! That's, uh, of the more erotic variety.
I'll just stop right there.
Holy crap, dude! Look! Oh, come on, now.
Don't be nasty.
No, it's a diamond ring.
Oh, my God! He was probably gonna give it to Carol.
Oh, shit! You think he was gonna propose? Maybe that's why he wanted to talk to her so bad.
Ahh.
If Reggie and Carol got married, he would've been my stepdad.
I would've finally had a male influence in my life.
Wouldn't have been a good one, but still.
Hey, it's something.
Gross! Is that a picture of a vagina? We're not looking at vaginas, Megan.
We're looking at love.
All right, these are some interesting revelations, but we should bounce for real.
Darius, you know good and well we can't leave Reggie here now.
This man's family.
Well, he would've been if he didn't die.
Either way, we gotta find him a proper place to rest.
Tell me you ain't gonna bury this dude in your yard.
No, Darius, we're not.
[ Chattering .]
You guys! You frickin' came to my birthday! This is awesome! We realized that sometimes the living are forgotten too, Russ.
Is that a friggin' birthday cake? It's a half-eaten lasagna.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Oh! I'm gonna lose my head! I'm gonna go wild! Okay, settle down, Russ.
Take it easy.
We were also hoping to bury a man in your yard.
You wanna bury a man in my yard? With your permission, of course.
Mmm.
Man, that's cool.
You can friggin' bury him.
I don't give a crap.
It's my birthday! [ Russ .]
Mmm! This lasagna birthday cake is delicious.
Man, don't put your dick fingers in the damn dish.
Now nobody else can eat it.
I got frickin' bad manners, Darius.
I'm sorry.
Russ, I can't find my butthole.
It's in the middle of your butt, Lester.
Where do you think it is? I friggin' told you a million times.
I don't think it's there anymore.
Get on to the house, Lester.
Ugh! I can't believe people live in there.
This home is literally broken.
If you're looking to freak your parents out, Megan, this is definitely the place to do it.
This shit's spooky.
Look like Sleepy Hollow.
Yeah, the sycamore tree's not as picturesque as I was imagining.
Yeah, it's a terrifying sight.
All right, fellas, your friend is all fixed up.
His spine was mutilated from the truck, so I used a broomstick to straighten him out-- a little trick of the trade.
It's nice to have a professional in the mix.
It feels good to do it right for a change.
Give someone a proper burial.
Who knows? Maybe this will stop the nightmares.
I'm kidding.
They'll be with me forever.
I have very graphic nightmares.
Well, we appreciate it.
Hey, boys.
I wanted to pay my respects to Mr.
Reggie.
I hope I'm not too late.
We're just about to start, Martin.
Ooh, nice fur coat, guy.
What if I told you it was human hair? Would that seem strange to you? Ladies and gentlemen, we're gathered here today to mourn a man's life and celebrate a boy's birthday.
Thank you, guys, for coming to my birthday party, and I'm sorry that this man is dead.
All right.
Thank you, Russ.
That's the birthday boy, guys.
We've all been touched by a death of some kind.
From the loss of a furious man and possible father figure-- [ Gary .]
To a loving wife-- [ Joel .]
To a loving marriage-- [ Gary .]
To the black voice of a generation.
I'll always love you, girl.
[ Kiss .]
And to a truckload of unclaimed bodies, ready to be shipped off to an Asian land for unknown use.
I should pick up some mousse for this.
One good thing about death is that it makes us appreciate life and just how precious it is.
I open this beer as a tribute to Reggie, who had a passion for alcohol and life.
[ Slurping .]
I ask that we all pass it around and take a sip as we drink his body.
I too would like to bury something.
This silken shirt is a symbol of the dark days of my past.
The Cocaine Cowboy, he ride no more.
Giddy up, little doggie.
[ Sobbing .]
[ Carol .]
What the hell is all this? Carol! You came! Oh, Carol.
Hey! What's crackin', beautiful lady? Let me get a telescope to see the top of those legs.
It's almost to the moon.
Martin, come on.
I know she's a beautiful woman, but give it a rest.
Thank you for showing up.
I'm sure you're wondering what this is all about.
Nah.
Just came to get my bong you took from me.
Okay.
Well, I didn't want to break it to you like this, but, um, we're having a funeral for your lover.
Which one? What do you mean, which one? Your one and only-- Reggie! He died on our front lawn.
Really? Figures.
He was an asshole.
That may be true.
But he was an asshole who wanted to marry you.
Huh? He was gonna propose to you, Carol.
Make you an honest woman.
Oh.
No shit? See for yourself.
He had a diamond ring on him and everything.
Ah, goddamn it! That's my wedding ring.
What the hell are you talking about? Reggie stole it from me a while back.
He kept trying to sell it, but it ain't worth nothing on account of your real dad being a cheap piece of shit.
Wait, then why the frick was Reggie coming to our house that night? Oh, probably looking to get his rocks off.
I stopped taking his calls after he shit in my bed.
Eh? Yeah, he shits the bed when he's drunk.
That's horrible.
He's a horrible man.
I'm sorry.
He was a horrible man.
Where's my bong? Here.
Take this.
I'm done with it.
What happened to rebelling against your parents? Eh.
It's too much work.
They probably aren't gonna get divorced anyway.
What the frick? I thought they already were divorced! No.
They've been fighting a ton and talking about seeing a marriage counselor.
They could get divorced, or it could make their relationship stronger than ever.
Who am I to know? Megan, as a man from a real broken home, I'm offended at your behavior.
What the friggin' crap? Look at that! Oh, look.
The egg's hatching.
The circle of life continues.
A man dies and a bird is born.
That is cute.
I ain't gonna lie.
[ Camera Shuttle Clicks .]
Now that's an image everyone can feel good about.
[ Chirping .]
Yeah, look, Russ.
It's a little chicken.
I'm gonna put it in my butthole.
[ Chuckles .]
He's gonna do it too, man.
If he finds it, he'll do it.
Oh, God.
Well, you wanna just, I don't know, cover him in dirt and get out of here? Yeah, I suppose.
[ Russ .]
It's my birthday This is my birthday song I am the happiest boy on his birthday And I will always have friends And the chicken will live and the man will die For my birthday
Gimme Carol.
Damn it, Reggie, for the last time, Carol's not home.
I don't know where she is.
Something important I wanna talk to her about.
It's about our "welationship.
" What? [ Mumbling .]
Reggie, I can't understand you.
You're too intoxicated.
Tell him he's no good for her.
And you're no good for Carol.
And I would really like you guys to stop seeing each other.
You little "fwigger"! I'll come over there and cut your ears off! [ Mumbling .]
What the hell? [ Shouts .]
[ Man .]
Hey! Watch it, dickhead! [ Shouting .]
[ Grunts .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Chuckles .]
This is my dart now.
[ Chuckles .]
Stupid freaks.
Hey, trash eater! [ Growls .]
Gimme that ham! I'm freakin' hungry.
[ Barks, Whimpers .]
[ Growling .]
[ Barking .]
[ Grunting .]
[ Groaning, Panting .]
Whoa! [ Groaning .]
Hey, are you all right, buddy? [ Sighs .]
Goddamn Sunday drivers.
[ Grunts .]
Easy, sir.
- [ Shouting .]
- He's attacking me! [ Shouting Continues .]
[ Groaning .]
[ Birds Chirping .]
Freakin' birds.
[ Chirping .]
[ Grunting .]
[ Electricity Crackles .]
Ohh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! [ Panting .]
I'm here, Carol.
[ Grunting .]
Stupid window, I'll kill you-- - Whoa! - [ Body Thuds On Ground .]
[ Groans .]
[ Organ Dirge .]
[ Whispering .]
Carol.
Holla at your boy.
Damn, dude.
[ Ends .]
Dang.
I can't believe Reggie's dead.
Never seen a dead body before.
It's a gruesome sight.
Yeah.
Although, I don't think dead bodies are usually covered in so many dog bites.
What a way to go.
Not looking forward to breaking the news to Carol.
Wherever she is.
Don't worry, boys.
Reggie's dancing with the angels now.
You stay away from my wife, Mr.
Reggie! Wear a condom! [ Chuckles .]
I'm kidding.
In heaven, there are no condoms.
I don't think Reggie's in heaven, Martin.
I'm certain he's not.
He's most definitely roasting in hell.
Hey, that's not very nice, Joel.
Well, he wasn't a very nice man.
He was a drunk asshole, all right? I'm pretty sure he was coming here to kill us.
Or at least cut off our ears.
Let's see here-- no relatives, no friends.
Seems the only relationship he had was with your stepmom, and that was purely sexual.
They also smoked pot together, if you want to include that? Either way.
He's your classic loner.
One-way ticket to an unmarked municipal grave.
Hey, uh, sorry for your loss.
[ Engine Starts .]
[ Radio: Upbeat Pop Song .]
Hey, I love this song.
They said he's gonna wind up in an unmarked grave without so much as a shirt on.
Hmm.
That's hard, man.
Sad way to go.
Not that sad.
Reggie was a dick.
I don't mean to disparage the dead, but it's true.
Man, I ain't never seen no dead body before.
Closest I came was when they carted out Whitney, and that was on TV.
Whitney who? Who you think? Whitney Houston.
Greatest singer of all time.
I'm concerned for Bobbi Kristina frankly.
Bobby Brown's still paying the bills singing "My Prerogative.
" Your prerogative should be to record some new damn songs.
One time I buried a dead rat under a sycamore tree in my backyard.
Russ, no one cares.
Do you guys notice how quiet I've been? Didn't really cross my mind.
Well, hold on.
I care.
Not so much about the rat because you talk about that all the time, but you never eat lunch with us, Russ.
What brings you to our table today? It's my birthday.
I like to sit with people and pretend they remember it.
Ooh.
Damn.
Yeah.
See now that makes me sad.
It's not sad at all.
I pretend my pillow's a birthday cake, and it can be any flavor in the world.
I had a chicken cake last year.
That's very creative, Russ.
My parents are getting divorced! Ah, damn.
I'm, uh, sorry to hear that.
It's a mess.
I've been acting out to show my parents how mad I am.
What do you think I'm drinking Kahlúa for? I don't know.
A woman's entitled to relax with a beverage on occasion.
Yeah, I didn't see anything wrong with that.
That's because you guys are from a broken home and your lives are insane.
I'm not from a broken home.
Your folks are my grandparents' age, and you have a 40-year-old brother who's in prison.
It's basically the same thing.
Huh.
This has been a real eye-opener.
I'll probably go unclaimed too when I die.
Carol won't even claim me when I'm alive.
Maybe we're not that different than Reggie after all.
Ah, crud.
See, now here I am starting to feel for Reggie's situation.
Ugh.
Maybe we could drop by some clothes at least.
I mean, no man should be buried without pants.
Yeah, I don't want that on my frickin' conscience.
Frick! Okay, wait, wait.
So, y'all are gonna leave school in the middle of the day to go put some pants on a corpse? Yes, Darius.
Because it's the frickin' decent thing to do.
Ah, the tragedy of a broken home.
Worst part is that's gonna be me soon.
You guys wanna sing me a birthday celebration song? No, thank you.
Nah.
[ Joel .]
Oh.
What the hell is all this? Ah, rats! You with the Health Department? Guys, we're doing the best we can.
You're breathing down my neck over here.
Let me do my job.
No, we're not from the Health Department, sir.
We're associates of the man whose heart exploded earlier.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Guys, come on! You got to look at the work orders! That's "cremate.
" Cremate.
So this is the city morgue? It's a little less dignified than I imagined.
Feels more like a tire factory.
You're not far off.
I got five counties coming in here now.
The world gets bigger, budget gets smaller and schlubs like me, we're footing the bill.
Yeah, well, we just wanna get these pants to Reggie.
The man who was mauled by dogs.
Dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs.
Oh, right, Reggie Dog Bites.
You're lucky.
He was almost on the boat.
What boat? You said he was going in an unmarked grave.
I didn't say where, smart guy.
We started outsourcing our unclaimed to China.
Like most things in this country, right? [ Chuckles .]
Oh, that's messed up.
You watch.
In a couple of years there'll be some egg rolls at McDonald's.
Yeah, I'll be buyin' 'em.
Despite my attitude, yeah, I'll be first in line.
No, I'm talking about the bodies.
They get buried in China? So they say.
But who knows what they do with them.
If I had to guess, they're doing something with their hair.
Using it for wigs or some kind of coat.
A coat? Oh, yeah.
Quality hair coat I imagine goes for a lot of money.
A sign of status probably.
Seems disturbing, but I'll chalk it up to cultural differences.
[ Phone Rings .]
Hello.
Ah, you gotta be kidding me.
This is gruesome! We're shipping off our dead like frickin' computers? Granted, Reggie was a real piece of shit.
Oh, totally.
Animal among men.
Even he doesn't deserve this.
I can't stand by and watch a man be turned into a hair coat.
It's gonna haunt me for ages.
All right, we'll be looking for him.
Look alive, fellas! Greyhound bus flipped over on the freeway.
Gotta cut lunch short.
[ All Groaning .]
Hey, don't blame me! Blame the potholes! Excuse me, sir.
You got one less body to worry about.
We're gonna handle the burial of Reggie Dog Bites.
But we're not happy about it, sir.
Yeah, whatever you say.
Guys, come on! Show a little respect.
Fastball.
Yeah.
Ah, this is dog shit.
When I woke up, I'd never even seen a dead body.
Now I'm in charge of burying one.
Maybe I'm mistaken, but I thought America was the greatest country in the world.
You'd think we'd dispose of our citizens with more dignity.
He's the guy, and he's got a joker face Hey, boys.
Yo, Martin.
We need some frickin' help.
Ah, you can't get Mr.
Reggie's blood off your stoop? Try a grocery store cola.
It will do the trick.
That's a good tip, but that's not why we're here.
We signed on as a responsible party for Reggie, and now we're in charge of burial arrangements.
Ah, that's an honorable gesture, boys.
Seeing as how you went through the process with your wife, God rest her soul, we were hoping you could point us in the right direction.
If you don't mind us asking, where did you lay your wife to rest? God rest her soul and let her sleep among heavenly Jesus.
My wife always wanted to be buried high on the hilltop under the weeping willow tree where we first made love.
And you fulfilled her dreams.
No.
She is here in the yard, right there to be specific.
What? You buried your wife in your yard? I thought that was a property marker.
I could not afford her wishes.
A funeral is very expensive, boys.
With the coffin and the flowers and the make-up, it's like a freakin' wedding.
You have like eight jobs.
You're a baller, man.
Back then I was working part-time at the Radio Shack.
I was broke as a joke.
Hey, the plight of the immigrant's not easy.
You hold your head high.
I was also extremely addicted to cocaine.
Well, that's harder to justify.
Anyway, we're not looking for a funeral.
Just a simple grave, maybe throw a couple stones on top.
You know, something basic.
Well, I hope you're hiding a thousand dollars cash in that mop top of yours, Mr.
Gary, because a cemetery ain't free.
[ Chuckles .]
A thousand frickin' dollars? Oh! That's morally indecent.
Hey, that's capitalism, muchacho.
Oh! America and its capitalism.
You know what? Lady Liberty's pissing me off right now.
[ Microwave Beeps .]
Oh, dude, I think Carol's back.
Maybe she can help us out.
- Yo, Carol! - What's happening now? Darius? What the hell are you doing here? Mom sent over a lasagna on account of you being in mourning.
I just went ahead and helped myself to a small piece.
That's a kind gesture, but we have bigger problems right now.
Hey, where's you milk? I want to cut this Kahlúa.
Megan, you're here too? Hold up, Gary.
Perhaps she brought a sweet treat.
Maybe some hard candy.
Hard candy? What am I, 90? I ran away from home.
I'm trying to freak out my parents.
Megan, I'm sympathetic to your situation, but a person died today.
I thought Reggie was a total piece of shit? Ahh! Yeah.
Oh, yeah, the worst.
The worst.
Look, we all agree he was a terrible man.
But a man nonetheless.
And due to circumstances that don't need to be elaborated on right now, we've signed up to bury him.
Man, y'all need to leave that shit alone.
Tell that dude at the morgue you changed your mind, man.
You wanna unsign up.
- Reggie's not at the morgue, Darius.
- Where the hell is he then? [ Screaming .]
What the hell is wrong with y'all! That's a dead body! Oh, my God! What y'all carrying a dead man around for? Oh, hell no! I mean, I can't believe they gave you a dead body.
Hey, the coroner was very stressed out.
He's got a lot on his plate.
I told y'all not to mess with no dead dude.
Now I'm involved.
All I want to do is eat some damn lasagna.
Darius, relax.
We frickin' got it under control.
Nigga, you ain't got shit under control! You went to give the dude pants and he ended up in your backyard.
Ooh, hey, can someone take a picture of me next to the body so I can send it to my mom? Oh, my God! Megan, don't disrespect the dead.
So what do y'all plan on doing? I mean, goddamn.
At this point, the best option seems to be burying him in the yard.
How is that your best option? Martin stressed that it has to be on private property.
He buried his wife in his backyard.
Um, excuse me.
You can't bury no dude in your backyard, okay? That's messed up and I ain't tryin' to trip over no skeleton.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where would you like to bury him, smart guy? How about his own damn yard? Huh.
Yeah, that's pretty good, actually.
Makes a lot of sense.
Probably where he wanted to be buried anyway.
Damn right it's good.
I got good ideas, 'cause I'm level-headed, bitch.
Well, you don't seem very level-headed right now.
If I had a hose, I'd smack your ass in the mouth.
All right.
All right.
I'll get the wagon.
Geez.
This guy's really touchy.
You see this right here? This is why you need parents to guide you and shit.
Just be thankful you got 'em at all, girl.
I know it's tough when they fight, but they love you.
They always gonna love you.
[ Shutter Clicks .]
I'm gonna get out this yard.
I don't know why I bother.
[ Both Panting .]
[ Dogs Howling .]
Eh, I think we're being followed by wild dogs.
Must be the same ones who attacked him last night.
They've got a taste for him now.
You sure this is it? All I know is that he lived next to a bong store.
- That's where he and Carol met.
- "When are you coming home for dinner?" That's her reaction? Huh! Can't they see I'm rebelling? Fine, Mom.
I'll come home for dinner.
And I'll bring my new bong with me.
To the bong store I go.
- Well, this is definitely Reggie's place.
- Not anymore.
They already got a Chinese family moving in to take his spot.
Huh? We send them our dead, they send us their living.
I'm guessing they won't want us to bury a man in their yard.
Couldn't bury him even if we wanted to.
Man, look at this shit.
How you gonna have a yard made of cement? [ Dogs Growling .]
Hey! Get out of here! Bad dogs! Get outta here! Shoo! Shoo! Don't be eating on the dead! Scram! Oh! Fighting off wild dogs now? This whole thing is becoming a huge pain in the ass.
Ohh! Whoa, that's screwed up.
They ran over his face! Okay, that's it.
I'm pulling the plug.
My innocence is being blasted to bits.
Yeah, I'm done.
We're bending over backwards for a man who wanted to mutilate us.
Let's just leave him here.
Yeah, I'm sure someone will find him and get him on the boat to China eventually.
Here's the stuff he had on him when he passed.
I'll put it with the rest of it.
[ Darius .]
He was carrying a bird egg? Yeah, not sure what his plan was with that.
Whoa! Look! There's mad pictures of Carol in here.
[ Gary .]
He was a romantic guy when he wanted to be.
[ Joel .]
He really loved her.
God! He is drunk there.
Oh! That's, uh, of the more erotic variety.
I'll just stop right there.
Holy crap, dude! Look! Oh, come on, now.
Don't be nasty.
No, it's a diamond ring.
Oh, my God! He was probably gonna give it to Carol.
Oh, shit! You think he was gonna propose? Maybe that's why he wanted to talk to her so bad.
Ahh.
If Reggie and Carol got married, he would've been my stepdad.
I would've finally had a male influence in my life.
Wouldn't have been a good one, but still.
Hey, it's something.
Gross! Is that a picture of a vagina? We're not looking at vaginas, Megan.
We're looking at love.
All right, these are some interesting revelations, but we should bounce for real.
Darius, you know good and well we can't leave Reggie here now.
This man's family.
Well, he would've been if he didn't die.
Either way, we gotta find him a proper place to rest.
Tell me you ain't gonna bury this dude in your yard.
No, Darius, we're not.
[ Chattering .]
You guys! You frickin' came to my birthday! This is awesome! We realized that sometimes the living are forgotten too, Russ.
Is that a friggin' birthday cake? It's a half-eaten lasagna.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Oh! I'm gonna lose my head! I'm gonna go wild! Okay, settle down, Russ.
Take it easy.
We were also hoping to bury a man in your yard.
You wanna bury a man in my yard? With your permission, of course.
Mmm.
Man, that's cool.
You can friggin' bury him.
I don't give a crap.
It's my birthday! [ Russ .]
Mmm! This lasagna birthday cake is delicious.
Man, don't put your dick fingers in the damn dish.
Now nobody else can eat it.
I got frickin' bad manners, Darius.
I'm sorry.
Russ, I can't find my butthole.
It's in the middle of your butt, Lester.
Where do you think it is? I friggin' told you a million times.
I don't think it's there anymore.
Get on to the house, Lester.
Ugh! I can't believe people live in there.
This home is literally broken.
If you're looking to freak your parents out, Megan, this is definitely the place to do it.
This shit's spooky.
Look like Sleepy Hollow.
Yeah, the sycamore tree's not as picturesque as I was imagining.
Yeah, it's a terrifying sight.
All right, fellas, your friend is all fixed up.
His spine was mutilated from the truck, so I used a broomstick to straighten him out-- a little trick of the trade.
It's nice to have a professional in the mix.
It feels good to do it right for a change.
Give someone a proper burial.
Who knows? Maybe this will stop the nightmares.
I'm kidding.
They'll be with me forever.
I have very graphic nightmares.
Well, we appreciate it.
Hey, boys.
I wanted to pay my respects to Mr.
Reggie.
I hope I'm not too late.
We're just about to start, Martin.
Ooh, nice fur coat, guy.
What if I told you it was human hair? Would that seem strange to you? Ladies and gentlemen, we're gathered here today to mourn a man's life and celebrate a boy's birthday.
Thank you, guys, for coming to my birthday party, and I'm sorry that this man is dead.
All right.
Thank you, Russ.
That's the birthday boy, guys.
We've all been touched by a death of some kind.
From the loss of a furious man and possible father figure-- [ Gary .]
To a loving wife-- [ Joel .]
To a loving marriage-- [ Gary .]
To the black voice of a generation.
I'll always love you, girl.
[ Kiss .]
And to a truckload of unclaimed bodies, ready to be shipped off to an Asian land for unknown use.
I should pick up some mousse for this.
One good thing about death is that it makes us appreciate life and just how precious it is.
I open this beer as a tribute to Reggie, who had a passion for alcohol and life.
[ Slurping .]
I ask that we all pass it around and take a sip as we drink his body.
I too would like to bury something.
This silken shirt is a symbol of the dark days of my past.
The Cocaine Cowboy, he ride no more.
Giddy up, little doggie.
[ Sobbing .]
[ Carol .]
What the hell is all this? Carol! You came! Oh, Carol.
Hey! What's crackin', beautiful lady? Let me get a telescope to see the top of those legs.
It's almost to the moon.
Martin, come on.
I know she's a beautiful woman, but give it a rest.
Thank you for showing up.
I'm sure you're wondering what this is all about.
Nah.
Just came to get my bong you took from me.
Okay.
Well, I didn't want to break it to you like this, but, um, we're having a funeral for your lover.
Which one? What do you mean, which one? Your one and only-- Reggie! He died on our front lawn.
Really? Figures.
He was an asshole.
That may be true.
But he was an asshole who wanted to marry you.
Huh? He was gonna propose to you, Carol.
Make you an honest woman.
Oh.
No shit? See for yourself.
He had a diamond ring on him and everything.
Ah, goddamn it! That's my wedding ring.
What the hell are you talking about? Reggie stole it from me a while back.
He kept trying to sell it, but it ain't worth nothing on account of your real dad being a cheap piece of shit.
Wait, then why the frick was Reggie coming to our house that night? Oh, probably looking to get his rocks off.
I stopped taking his calls after he shit in my bed.
Eh? Yeah, he shits the bed when he's drunk.
That's horrible.
He's a horrible man.
I'm sorry.
He was a horrible man.
Where's my bong? Here.
Take this.
I'm done with it.
What happened to rebelling against your parents? Eh.
It's too much work.
They probably aren't gonna get divorced anyway.
What the frick? I thought they already were divorced! No.
They've been fighting a ton and talking about seeing a marriage counselor.
They could get divorced, or it could make their relationship stronger than ever.
Who am I to know? Megan, as a man from a real broken home, I'm offended at your behavior.
What the friggin' crap? Look at that! Oh, look.
The egg's hatching.
The circle of life continues.
A man dies and a bird is born.
That is cute.
I ain't gonna lie.
[ Camera Shuttle Clicks .]
Now that's an image everyone can feel good about.
[ Chirping .]
Yeah, look, Russ.
It's a little chicken.
I'm gonna put it in my butthole.
[ Chuckles .]
He's gonna do it too, man.
If he finds it, he'll do it.
Oh, God.
Well, you wanna just, I don't know, cover him in dirt and get out of here? Yeah, I suppose.
[ Russ .]
It's my birthday This is my birthday song I am the happiest boy on his birthday And I will always have friends And the chicken will live and the man will die For my birthday