AfterMASH (1983) s01e14 Episode Script
C.Y.A.
1
Nursing supervisor.
For 3B.
Nursing supervisor for 3B.
Throw it here, Reg.
Hey, looks good.
Doing great.
Hey, Reg.
Hi, Reg.
All right, kid.
Here we go.
You and me, you and me, put it here.
A little high.
Sorry, Klinger.
No, you're building up your strength.
That's what I like to see.
I just like to see it standing up.
This is good for me, too, to sneak out of my office,
mix it up, fine-tune the old Adonis-like physique.
Let's try the pulleys.
We're killing this medicine ball.
I really appreciate your working with me.
For the first time in a long while, I feel
like I got a reason to get up in the morning.
To tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind
doing this kind of work full-time.
Yeah?
Yeah.
The satisfaction, the helping others,
the 32 cents more an hour.
That's important.
You bet.
I could read all the books, take the
training program.
With any luck, one of the therapists will
catch something.
Keep working.
By six, I want to see you lift this building.
Morning, Padre.
Oh, your mood looks darker than your
coffee.
I think twice about sitting here, Sherm.
I'm the eye of the storm this morning.
No problem.
I had prunes for breakfast.
I'm frisky.
Why all that heat under the dog, Padre?
Look at this.
From Dr. Raymond.
Oh, yeah.
The specialist who saved your hearing.
Big deal.
After all these weeks, this poor doctor's
payment has still not been remitted for my operation.
$518.78.
I'm sure that it is an
oversight and that payment is
forthcoming swiftly if you
have responded to one of the
It just slipped through a crack in the
system.
Rhode Island could slip through one of
those cracks.
You think that's what happened?
Absolutely.
You know the government falls behind.
There are frostbite victims at Valley
Forge still waiting for payment.
Tell you what, I'll look into this for you.
No, no, no.
I'm a big boy now.
You got me my hearing back.
The least I can do is make some noise.
Well, check again.
My son is a patient here.
He must be somewhere.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
I just don't seem to have a record of him.
Ma'am?
Gladys, has my stamp pad with my embossed
signature come back from the printers yet?
Not yet, Mr. D'Angelo.
Well, call them and rattle their cage.
I've got a stack of reports this high that
require my personal signature.
It's not easy being administrator.
Are you the boss here?
No.
I mean, what is the exact nature of your
problem?
My son is a veteran.
He was hurt in Korea.
He's in this hospital.
Only no one knows where.
Where is he?
Where is my son?
You just sit yourself down here.
You've taken your complaint to the top,
and now we'll get to the bottom of it.
Dr. Kramer to OR.
Alma, you can imagine what the papers
would do if they found out we lost a mother's son.
I could be nailed to my commendations.
I don't know where he could be.
That isn't the point.
The point is The point is,
on one hand, we've got trouble.
On the other hand, we've got me.
And I want something big in between us.
Breaches were made to be filled, sir.
He was in Korea, wounded, possibly even
distinguished.
Now either find that woman's son or find
someone who knows where he might be.
The next thing I want to hear about this
is nothing.
Give it top priority.
But before you do that, call Peter Piper Printers
and find out where my embossed name stamp is.
Please relax, Mr. D.
You're totally decomposed.
This is not a very good time for it.
Miss Cox, I have a matter of Paramount
importance.
You've been here long enough to know
there's a chain of command.
You go to the chief chaplain who goes to
me, and I go to Mr. D'Angelo.
But he's never in.
There's no problem so big it can't fester
for a few more days.
Miss Cox, how shall I put this?
I've been shafted.
The VA was supposed to pay for my hearing
operation.
I filled out every form to the letter.
Let me see that.
Uh-huh.
Did you really think this would go
unnoticed, Father Mulcahy?
What?
You had your operation at St. Louis Hospital,
which is not an accredited hospital for VA.
It isn't fair.
They don't pay me to be fair.
Just to observe the technicalities.
You have your religion, I have mine.
I thought the VA was supposed to help the
veteran.
We do help, but we do it by the numbers,
the page numbers.
Father, it is every veteran's right,
nay, privilege, to read and or memorize
all the regulations, which are fully
available to one and all.
If you choose not to do so, then you pay
the price, which in your case is $518.78.
I hear it.
I hear it.
That's a heartbeat.
A teeny, tiny, miniature heartbeat.
That's my lunch.
Maybe if I whistled the theme from The High
and the Mighty, that always gets my tickle going.
Dr. Pfeiffer said he's in there and doing
fine, thank you.
Dr. Pfeiffer's really been swell to us.
We have to pay him back somehow.
We are.
Tonight.
He invited himself over for dinner.
That way he can make sure he and I both
eat right.
I hope he fits in the apartment.
We may have to raise the ceiling.
Or lower the floor.
In Korea, he would be a government
building.
As long as we're inviting.
You know the patient I've been working
with?
He ought to get out and be with people.
We got enough food?
That's the great thing about rice.
There's always too much.
I'll miss you.
I'll ditto.
The baby will miss you too.
He likes your ear against him.
He?
This week he, next week she.
Oh.
She's already pregnant, Mr. Klinger.
What more do you want?
Uh, Miss Cox.
All due respect to one side, Mrs. Klinger,
you really shouldn't be here.
At least they taught me how to knock in my
house and we didn't have a door.
Okay, there's the bell.
See you tonight, slugger.
Huh.
What can I do for you, Miss?
Mr. Klinger, crisis.
One of our patients is missing.
William J.
Bergstrom, a veteran, a bona fide war
hero.
His mother is in the lobby to see him and
he isn't here to see her.
How'd we do that?
We?
That's a typo, Mr. Klinger.
It should read, how did you do that?
When did we get to be an I?
As chief clerk of the Chief of Staff, the
responsibility is entirely and totally yours.
Find him or you face very dire
consequences.
Miss Cox.
A mother, Mr. Klinger.
How could you?
Nurse Coleman to ward 2C.
Nurse Coleman to ward
Excuse me, Miss Shiffman.
I need to look something up in the VA
regulations.
May I see them, please?
Good luck, Father.
My word, that's a lot of regulations.
Those are just the changes.
This year's.
The regulations are over there.
Over there.
Over there.
Yes!
It'll take me a month to Wade through all
this.
By then, it'll have changed.
William Bergstrom.
This is him here.
He looks kind of young for a veteran.
Well, he's 11 in the picture.
But it's the same face.
I'm sorry, but I don't remember him.
He's such a beautiful boy.
How could you lose this face?
I'm sure everyone is doing all they can to
help you, Miss Shiffman.
Mrs. Bergstrom?
This is crazy.
He is here, in this hospital, and then he
just disappears.
What is this, Russia?
Mr. D'Angelo, please call your office.
Mr. D'Angelo, call your office.
You ought to try it yourself, Thorpe.
Two weeks ago, I couldn't do 10 of these.
So what if you can do 100?
1,000.
Just means you can do 100,000 pulls.
Means I'm building up my strength so I can
get out of this place.
Man, you're paralyzed from the neck up,
too.
There's no part of you that's going
anywhere.
Get lost.
Think you're the first guy who thought he
could beat the rap?
All gung-ho.
I've seen them.
A lot of them.
They roll out of here full of vinegar,
but a month, three, they're back.
I remember the guy that holds a record for
those.
Bueller.
A therapist's dream.
Strong as two oxes.
Came in real handy.
He was so strong, he could have been one
of his own pallbearers.
Hyaluronephritis got him.
If it wasn't that, it would have been
hydronephrosis.
How many infections you had since you've
been here?
Tell me, how many?
The truth.
Well, a few.
But they got penicillin now.
I can still live my life.
Klinger says Klinger?
Klinger's in shoes, not on wheels.
How many tubes?
How many tubes he had stuck up him?
How many bed sores?
How many hours did it take him to get into
a car?
I guarantee you, he's getting more out of
this than you are.
Facts are facts.
One of these days, an infection's gonna
hit you.
And forget about your miracle drug.
It may not be tomorrow.
You got a few years.
Four or five, maybe.
But biceps or no biceps, Klinger or no
Klinger, you're gonna die.
We're all gonna die.
Nursing supervisor to ward 3C.
Nursing supervisor to ward 3C.
Looks good.
Tomato soup.
Why don't you put some crackers in there?
They're free, too.
I don't want to fill up.
I've got a big invitation for dinner tonight.
So I heard.
Special accent of nautical grace.
Wieners and rice.
Even better.
Well, nothing's different.
Too good for you, Doc.
I can't thank you enough for keeping an
eye on Soon-Lee.
Speaking of which, I'm not sure how to put
this.
That's never stopped you before?
Well, when you examine her, just how
undressed does she usually get?
Pretty UN.
Uh-huh.
Do you look at her?
Yeah, well, it's kind of hard not to.
But you don't remember what you see?
Oh, no, of course not.
Then dinner's at six.
Oh, well.
Well, I gotcha.
You're in deep trouble, General
Pershing-wise.
What did I do?
Technically speaking, when a patient is
admitted and all the paperwork's done,
he's then the responsibility of the
doctors.
Does the name Bergstrom ring a bell?
Should it?
Does it?
No.
You're in deeper than I thought.
When a highly decorated veteran gets lost
in a hospital, which, as we've
established, is the responsibility of the
doctors, can trouble be far away?
Bergstrom?
William J.
All's I know is Mother's in the hospital.
She's in the lobby.
She wants answers.
Considering that her son has a purple
heart, I think she's entitled, don't you?
How could I have lost a patient?
Sure glad I'm not in your shoes.
Anesthetist on duty to OR.
Anesthetist on duty to OR.
Disability is permanent.
Temporary.
And the next time somebody says he has trouble getting
through the book of Matthew, he can kiss my cassock.
Ah, Eureka.
Rout.
Don't tell me they got a priest.
They saw me coming, the vultures.
Welcome to the club, Father.
I come all the way up from Brookfield,
five hours on a bus, to get my new eye,
and now they're welching on me.
I don't believe it.
They won't give you your eye?
The fiends.
No, not that, Father.
It's the bus fare.
See, because I forgot to make an
appointment.
They won't reimburse me.
It allows you $4.90.
We're not going to stand for this.
We're not?
We're going to demand satisfaction.
I checked.
There's nothing I can do about it.
No, sir.
We're going to take this to the mat.
Look, Father, how about just lending me
five bucks?
Wait a minute.
There you go.
Reggie Pivots off the pick, in his
favorite spot.
He shoots.
It's good.
Right at the buzzer.
And they say I'm not tall enough.
Look at this.
I turn around a few minutes, and where do
I find you?
Flat on your back.
You can't stay there, kid.
I got your release and your meal ticket for your
triumphant return to the world of home cooking.
As Mrs. Klinger proudly presents
tomorrow's leftovers today.
We leave at 5.30, which gives us two full
hours to work up your appetite.
Come on.
The parallel bar is away.
Wait.
I don't think so, Klinger.
To what?
To exercise or to dinner?
Both.
You feeling okay?
I'm tired.
Maybe we've been pushing this thing a
little too hard.
Maybe we should back off, okay?
Hey, what have we been talking about?
No finish line?
No hurdle so high?
Those were your words.
Save it, Klinger.
He's wised up.
What's he talking about?
The facts.
Nothing but the facts.
What's the point, Klinger?
Look at me.
I'm a crip.
So I'll be able to dress myself.
From the waist up, I'll take a great
photograph.
I'm still paralyzed.
Come on.
A picture just shows what's outside.
You want to talk about what's inside?
Do you know what pyelonephritis is?
Raspastic periparesis or clonus?
It ain't just throwing a medicine ball
around.
I wish it was.
Look, you're in over your head.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
My whole life, I've always jumped into
this stuff without much thinking.
First time I tried ice skating,
bam, right out into the pond.
I didn't even wait for winter.
And now, physical therapy.
Off the board again and the pool is empty.
I should have asked around for a little
advice first.
But when we started working together,
it felt right, like we had something going.
I had no idea I was screwing you up.
Anyway, I'm way behind.
I'm way behind in my typing, which is
something else I do that I also don't know how to.
Father Mulcahy, please call extension 14.
Father Mulcahy, extension 14.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom?
You seen him?
He's missing.
Bergstrom?
Terrible.
What was that name again?
Bergstrom.
Oh, yeah, Bergstrom.
Where is he?
He's missing.
So is Bergstrom.
Wait.
I know him.
I had coffee with him.
Or was it tea?
Or was it Milkstrom?
Or was it Postum?
You buying?
Mr. Scannell, you've been a big help.
Anytime, Dr. Bergstrom.
What about that coffee?
Out of my way, Gene.
I'm a Christian soldier with a mission.
Father, could I?
They thought they had me, but like Elisha,
I shall rise up from the ashes and smite
them with my sword of righteous
regulations.
I should save some of that.
I just need one word.
I have a word with you, Father.
Bergstrom.
Do you know him?
Should I?
You're the chaplain.
It's your duty to greet all incoming
patients.
You're slipping, Father.
All this time you've been working up a good
smite, the wheels are coming off the wagon.
Bergstrom?
I don't think so, but then again,
I greet so many.
What was his affiliation?
Or for that matter, his affliction?
What's the difference?
Now, the point is, this man,
who I hear is a silver star winner,
doesn't even get a hearty
handshake from his VA chaplain.
Well, I'll talk to him right now.
No.
Where is he?
He's missing, Father.
That's the point.
And his mother is in the lobby looking for
answers.
And he's just disappeared?
I know you'll find him.
Ah, Colonel.
One of the men I'm looking for.
What's the good word for today, Padre?
What kind of a slipshod operation are we
running here?
Missing benefits?
Missing patients?
What do you mean, missing patients?
Bergstrom.
Who's Bergstrom?
Don't you read the headlines?
A military hero with more decorations than
Georgie Jessel.
And how did you miss him?
Don't pass the buck.
I'd say the buck is gone just about as far
as it can go.
You're right.
This is where it stops.
Good.
I'm sure his mother, waiting in the lobby,
will be very comforted by that.
I'll be glad.
Where the H is my D?
No, I'm not going to pencil it in.
You can be assured that I will not pay the
Piper penny one.
Period.
This is Bergstrom.
Please come to the Chief of Staff's office
on the second floor.
I know he's not in.
That's the best time to catch him.
Without an appointment, you have a better
chance of getting into Fort Knox.
Excuse me?
Sir, I have never before threatened another
man's life, but this is an absolute outrage.
Oh, yeah?
Well, same to you, and that's Jack D-ass.
Trying to give me the slip, Mr. D'Angelo,
but it won't wash.
Father, I don't know a thing about any
missing patient.
He also doesn't know anything about you.
You're not being reimbursed for your ear
operation.
I really don't know about that.
Miss Cox, determined to prove you wrong
and get my rightful due from the VA,
I slogged through a river of regulations,
but you were right.
I am entitled to nothing.
I just love a good loser.
However, Seaman Wilson is another story.
Alma, do I know about him?
Wilson is a vet who came from Brookfield
to have some work done on his eye.
Unfortunately, he failed to make an
appointment, and now the VA refuses.
We have to reimburse him for his travel
allowance.
That is the letter of the law, Father.
There are many letters of the law,
and there's another one that says anyone
who loses an eye in military conflict is
entitled to $1,600 for a new car.
That's Public Law 187, 82nd Congress,
Chapter 532, Section 1864.
But that's just a technicality.
Do you want to tell him, or shall I?
We bought the farm, sir.
If you think a little knowledge is a dangerous thing,
sister, you should see what a lot of knowledge can do.
Alma.
Sir.
Change the locks.
Oh, Mrs. Bergstrom.
I'm Dr. Potter, the hospital chief of staff.
You found him.
Thank God.
Um, ma'am, I have a feeling there's been
some sort of mistake.
What do you mean?
I've double-checked the records in
admitting, then I double-checked that.
We push a lot of paperwork through, but believe
me, if your son was here, we'd have a record of him.
More importantly, someone on staff would
have remembered him.
You people are incompetent.
My son is here.
Why don't you people ever tell the truth?
What do you want from me?
First the army, now you.
Mrs. Bergstrom.
See?
That was a mistake, too.
He wasn't killed.
He is not dead.
He's just hurt.
And I want to see him and be with him
again.
It's not right.
It's not right to keep a mother from
Mr. Grist, call the transportation office.
Mr. Grist, transportation office
Claire!
Is it okay if I don't wear a tie?
You coming with me?
Really?
Yeah, I've been thinking about things.
Dying, mostly, and this crazy thought
popped into my head.
What if I get a bad break and live?
What if I last another 20, 30 years?
I mean, even if I don't, what do I do with
whatever time I get?
Do I spend it like Thorpe?
Or maybe like you?
Hey, that's great.
I hope you got a big appetite.
There's gonna be an awful lot of food.
I'll see you at your place, Klinger.
Too late.
Not to worry, there's always tomatoes.
Gemima.
Pettis had a good time, huh?
He must have.
He stayed all the way till Suspense
Theater tour was over.
You know what?
He really likes you.
And I like him.
And I like you.
And I like us.
And I like to go to bed.
I'll get the last dish.
What, no dessert?
Saturday, on the WizKids New Night,
Richie taps into a TV ratings computer.
If some people live and die by the
ratings, could the WizKids be next?
Later on Emerald Point in
A.S., Glenn has a scheme to
better himself when he finds
the truth about Hillary's past.
But first, Stephanie's intellectual battle
plan backfires in a big way on New Heart.
Next.
Nursing supervisor.
For 3B.
Nursing supervisor for 3B.
Throw it here, Reg.
Hey, looks good.
Doing great.
Hey, Reg.
Hi, Reg.
All right, kid.
Here we go.
You and me, you and me, put it here.
A little high.
Sorry, Klinger.
No, you're building up your strength.
That's what I like to see.
I just like to see it standing up.
This is good for me, too, to sneak out of my office,
mix it up, fine-tune the old Adonis-like physique.
Let's try the pulleys.
We're killing this medicine ball.
I really appreciate your working with me.
For the first time in a long while, I feel
like I got a reason to get up in the morning.
To tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind
doing this kind of work full-time.
Yeah?
Yeah.
The satisfaction, the helping others,
the 32 cents more an hour.
That's important.
You bet.
I could read all the books, take the
training program.
With any luck, one of the therapists will
catch something.
Keep working.
By six, I want to see you lift this building.
Morning, Padre.
Oh, your mood looks darker than your
coffee.
I think twice about sitting here, Sherm.
I'm the eye of the storm this morning.
No problem.
I had prunes for breakfast.
I'm frisky.
Why all that heat under the dog, Padre?
Look at this.
From Dr. Raymond.
Oh, yeah.
The specialist who saved your hearing.
Big deal.
After all these weeks, this poor doctor's
payment has still not been remitted for my operation.
$518.78.
I'm sure that it is an
oversight and that payment is
forthcoming swiftly if you
have responded to one of the
It just slipped through a crack in the
system.
Rhode Island could slip through one of
those cracks.
You think that's what happened?
Absolutely.
You know the government falls behind.
There are frostbite victims at Valley
Forge still waiting for payment.
Tell you what, I'll look into this for you.
No, no, no.
I'm a big boy now.
You got me my hearing back.
The least I can do is make some noise.
Well, check again.
My son is a patient here.
He must be somewhere.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
I just don't seem to have a record of him.
Ma'am?
Gladys, has my stamp pad with my embossed
signature come back from the printers yet?
Not yet, Mr. D'Angelo.
Well, call them and rattle their cage.
I've got a stack of reports this high that
require my personal signature.
It's not easy being administrator.
Are you the boss here?
No.
I mean, what is the exact nature of your
problem?
My son is a veteran.
He was hurt in Korea.
He's in this hospital.
Only no one knows where.
Where is he?
Where is my son?
You just sit yourself down here.
You've taken your complaint to the top,
and now we'll get to the bottom of it.
Dr. Kramer to OR.
Alma, you can imagine what the papers
would do if they found out we lost a mother's son.
I could be nailed to my commendations.
I don't know where he could be.
That isn't the point.
The point is The point is,
on one hand, we've got trouble.
On the other hand, we've got me.
And I want something big in between us.
Breaches were made to be filled, sir.
He was in Korea, wounded, possibly even
distinguished.
Now either find that woman's son or find
someone who knows where he might be.
The next thing I want to hear about this
is nothing.
Give it top priority.
But before you do that, call Peter Piper Printers
and find out where my embossed name stamp is.
Please relax, Mr. D.
You're totally decomposed.
This is not a very good time for it.
Miss Cox, I have a matter of Paramount
importance.
You've been here long enough to know
there's a chain of command.
You go to the chief chaplain who goes to
me, and I go to Mr. D'Angelo.
But he's never in.
There's no problem so big it can't fester
for a few more days.
Miss Cox, how shall I put this?
I've been shafted.
The VA was supposed to pay for my hearing
operation.
I filled out every form to the letter.
Let me see that.
Uh-huh.
Did you really think this would go
unnoticed, Father Mulcahy?
What?
You had your operation at St. Louis Hospital,
which is not an accredited hospital for VA.
It isn't fair.
They don't pay me to be fair.
Just to observe the technicalities.
You have your religion, I have mine.
I thought the VA was supposed to help the
veteran.
We do help, but we do it by the numbers,
the page numbers.
Father, it is every veteran's right,
nay, privilege, to read and or memorize
all the regulations, which are fully
available to one and all.
If you choose not to do so, then you pay
the price, which in your case is $518.78.
I hear it.
I hear it.
That's a heartbeat.
A teeny, tiny, miniature heartbeat.
That's my lunch.
Maybe if I whistled the theme from The High
and the Mighty, that always gets my tickle going.
Dr. Pfeiffer said he's in there and doing
fine, thank you.
Dr. Pfeiffer's really been swell to us.
We have to pay him back somehow.
We are.
Tonight.
He invited himself over for dinner.
That way he can make sure he and I both
eat right.
I hope he fits in the apartment.
We may have to raise the ceiling.
Or lower the floor.
In Korea, he would be a government
building.
As long as we're inviting.
You know the patient I've been working
with?
He ought to get out and be with people.
We got enough food?
That's the great thing about rice.
There's always too much.
I'll miss you.
I'll ditto.
The baby will miss you too.
He likes your ear against him.
He?
This week he, next week she.
Oh.
She's already pregnant, Mr. Klinger.
What more do you want?
Uh, Miss Cox.
All due respect to one side, Mrs. Klinger,
you really shouldn't be here.
At least they taught me how to knock in my
house and we didn't have a door.
Okay, there's the bell.
See you tonight, slugger.
Huh.
What can I do for you, Miss?
Mr. Klinger, crisis.
One of our patients is missing.
William J.
Bergstrom, a veteran, a bona fide war
hero.
His mother is in the lobby to see him and
he isn't here to see her.
How'd we do that?
We?
That's a typo, Mr. Klinger.
It should read, how did you do that?
When did we get to be an I?
As chief clerk of the Chief of Staff, the
responsibility is entirely and totally yours.
Find him or you face very dire
consequences.
Miss Cox.
A mother, Mr. Klinger.
How could you?
Nurse Coleman to ward 2C.
Nurse Coleman to ward
Excuse me, Miss Shiffman.
I need to look something up in the VA
regulations.
May I see them, please?
Good luck, Father.
My word, that's a lot of regulations.
Those are just the changes.
This year's.
The regulations are over there.
Over there.
Over there.
Yes!
It'll take me a month to Wade through all
this.
By then, it'll have changed.
William Bergstrom.
This is him here.
He looks kind of young for a veteran.
Well, he's 11 in the picture.
But it's the same face.
I'm sorry, but I don't remember him.
He's such a beautiful boy.
How could you lose this face?
I'm sure everyone is doing all they can to
help you, Miss Shiffman.
Mrs. Bergstrom?
This is crazy.
He is here, in this hospital, and then he
just disappears.
What is this, Russia?
Mr. D'Angelo, please call your office.
Mr. D'Angelo, call your office.
You ought to try it yourself, Thorpe.
Two weeks ago, I couldn't do 10 of these.
So what if you can do 100?
1,000.
Just means you can do 100,000 pulls.
Means I'm building up my strength so I can
get out of this place.
Man, you're paralyzed from the neck up,
too.
There's no part of you that's going
anywhere.
Get lost.
Think you're the first guy who thought he
could beat the rap?
All gung-ho.
I've seen them.
A lot of them.
They roll out of here full of vinegar,
but a month, three, they're back.
I remember the guy that holds a record for
those.
Bueller.
A therapist's dream.
Strong as two oxes.
Came in real handy.
He was so strong, he could have been one
of his own pallbearers.
Hyaluronephritis got him.
If it wasn't that, it would have been
hydronephrosis.
How many infections you had since you've
been here?
Tell me, how many?
The truth.
Well, a few.
But they got penicillin now.
I can still live my life.
Klinger says Klinger?
Klinger's in shoes, not on wheels.
How many tubes?
How many tubes he had stuck up him?
How many bed sores?
How many hours did it take him to get into
a car?
I guarantee you, he's getting more out of
this than you are.
Facts are facts.
One of these days, an infection's gonna
hit you.
And forget about your miracle drug.
It may not be tomorrow.
You got a few years.
Four or five, maybe.
But biceps or no biceps, Klinger or no
Klinger, you're gonna die.
We're all gonna die.
Nursing supervisor to ward 3C.
Nursing supervisor to ward 3C.
Looks good.
Tomato soup.
Why don't you put some crackers in there?
They're free, too.
I don't want to fill up.
I've got a big invitation for dinner tonight.
So I heard.
Special accent of nautical grace.
Wieners and rice.
Even better.
Well, nothing's different.
Too good for you, Doc.
I can't thank you enough for keeping an
eye on Soon-Lee.
Speaking of which, I'm not sure how to put
this.
That's never stopped you before?
Well, when you examine her, just how
undressed does she usually get?
Pretty UN.
Uh-huh.
Do you look at her?
Yeah, well, it's kind of hard not to.
But you don't remember what you see?
Oh, no, of course not.
Then dinner's at six.
Oh, well.
Well, I gotcha.
You're in deep trouble, General
Pershing-wise.
What did I do?
Technically speaking, when a patient is
admitted and all the paperwork's done,
he's then the responsibility of the
doctors.
Does the name Bergstrom ring a bell?
Should it?
Does it?
No.
You're in deeper than I thought.
When a highly decorated veteran gets lost
in a hospital, which, as we've
established, is the responsibility of the
doctors, can trouble be far away?
Bergstrom?
William J.
All's I know is Mother's in the hospital.
She's in the lobby.
She wants answers.
Considering that her son has a purple
heart, I think she's entitled, don't you?
How could I have lost a patient?
Sure glad I'm not in your shoes.
Anesthetist on duty to OR.
Anesthetist on duty to OR.
Disability is permanent.
Temporary.
And the next time somebody says he has trouble getting
through the book of Matthew, he can kiss my cassock.
Ah, Eureka.
Rout.
Don't tell me they got a priest.
They saw me coming, the vultures.
Welcome to the club, Father.
I come all the way up from Brookfield,
five hours on a bus, to get my new eye,
and now they're welching on me.
I don't believe it.
They won't give you your eye?
The fiends.
No, not that, Father.
It's the bus fare.
See, because I forgot to make an
appointment.
They won't reimburse me.
It allows you $4.90.
We're not going to stand for this.
We're not?
We're going to demand satisfaction.
I checked.
There's nothing I can do about it.
No, sir.
We're going to take this to the mat.
Look, Father, how about just lending me
five bucks?
Wait a minute.
There you go.
Reggie Pivots off the pick, in his
favorite spot.
He shoots.
It's good.
Right at the buzzer.
And they say I'm not tall enough.
Look at this.
I turn around a few minutes, and where do
I find you?
Flat on your back.
You can't stay there, kid.
I got your release and your meal ticket for your
triumphant return to the world of home cooking.
As Mrs. Klinger proudly presents
tomorrow's leftovers today.
We leave at 5.30, which gives us two full
hours to work up your appetite.
Come on.
The parallel bar is away.
Wait.
I don't think so, Klinger.
To what?
To exercise or to dinner?
Both.
You feeling okay?
I'm tired.
Maybe we've been pushing this thing a
little too hard.
Maybe we should back off, okay?
Hey, what have we been talking about?
No finish line?
No hurdle so high?
Those were your words.
Save it, Klinger.
He's wised up.
What's he talking about?
The facts.
Nothing but the facts.
What's the point, Klinger?
Look at me.
I'm a crip.
So I'll be able to dress myself.
From the waist up, I'll take a great
photograph.
I'm still paralyzed.
Come on.
A picture just shows what's outside.
You want to talk about what's inside?
Do you know what pyelonephritis is?
Raspastic periparesis or clonus?
It ain't just throwing a medicine ball
around.
I wish it was.
Look, you're in over your head.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
My whole life, I've always jumped into
this stuff without much thinking.
First time I tried ice skating,
bam, right out into the pond.
I didn't even wait for winter.
And now, physical therapy.
Off the board again and the pool is empty.
I should have asked around for a little
advice first.
But when we started working together,
it felt right, like we had something going.
I had no idea I was screwing you up.
Anyway, I'm way behind.
I'm way behind in my typing, which is
something else I do that I also don't know how to.
Father Mulcahy, please call extension 14.
Father Mulcahy, extension 14.
Bergstrom.
Bergstrom?
You seen him?
He's missing.
Bergstrom?
Terrible.
What was that name again?
Bergstrom.
Oh, yeah, Bergstrom.
Where is he?
He's missing.
So is Bergstrom.
Wait.
I know him.
I had coffee with him.
Or was it tea?
Or was it Milkstrom?
Or was it Postum?
You buying?
Mr. Scannell, you've been a big help.
Anytime, Dr. Bergstrom.
What about that coffee?
Out of my way, Gene.
I'm a Christian soldier with a mission.
Father, could I?
They thought they had me, but like Elisha,
I shall rise up from the ashes and smite
them with my sword of righteous
regulations.
I should save some of that.
I just need one word.
I have a word with you, Father.
Bergstrom.
Do you know him?
Should I?
You're the chaplain.
It's your duty to greet all incoming
patients.
You're slipping, Father.
All this time you've been working up a good
smite, the wheels are coming off the wagon.
Bergstrom?
I don't think so, but then again,
I greet so many.
What was his affiliation?
Or for that matter, his affliction?
What's the difference?
Now, the point is, this man,
who I hear is a silver star winner,
doesn't even get a hearty
handshake from his VA chaplain.
Well, I'll talk to him right now.
No.
Where is he?
He's missing, Father.
That's the point.
And his mother is in the lobby looking for
answers.
And he's just disappeared?
I know you'll find him.
Ah, Colonel.
One of the men I'm looking for.
What's the good word for today, Padre?
What kind of a slipshod operation are we
running here?
Missing benefits?
Missing patients?
What do you mean, missing patients?
Bergstrom.
Who's Bergstrom?
Don't you read the headlines?
A military hero with more decorations than
Georgie Jessel.
And how did you miss him?
Don't pass the buck.
I'd say the buck is gone just about as far
as it can go.
You're right.
This is where it stops.
Good.
I'm sure his mother, waiting in the lobby,
will be very comforted by that.
I'll be glad.
Where the H is my D?
No, I'm not going to pencil it in.
You can be assured that I will not pay the
Piper penny one.
Period.
This is Bergstrom.
Please come to the Chief of Staff's office
on the second floor.
I know he's not in.
That's the best time to catch him.
Without an appointment, you have a better
chance of getting into Fort Knox.
Excuse me?
Sir, I have never before threatened another
man's life, but this is an absolute outrage.
Oh, yeah?
Well, same to you, and that's Jack D-ass.
Trying to give me the slip, Mr. D'Angelo,
but it won't wash.
Father, I don't know a thing about any
missing patient.
He also doesn't know anything about you.
You're not being reimbursed for your ear
operation.
I really don't know about that.
Miss Cox, determined to prove you wrong
and get my rightful due from the VA,
I slogged through a river of regulations,
but you were right.
I am entitled to nothing.
I just love a good loser.
However, Seaman Wilson is another story.
Alma, do I know about him?
Wilson is a vet who came from Brookfield
to have some work done on his eye.
Unfortunately, he failed to make an
appointment, and now the VA refuses.
We have to reimburse him for his travel
allowance.
That is the letter of the law, Father.
There are many letters of the law,
and there's another one that says anyone
who loses an eye in military conflict is
entitled to $1,600 for a new car.
That's Public Law 187, 82nd Congress,
Chapter 532, Section 1864.
But that's just a technicality.
Do you want to tell him, or shall I?
We bought the farm, sir.
If you think a little knowledge is a dangerous thing,
sister, you should see what a lot of knowledge can do.
Alma.
Sir.
Change the locks.
Oh, Mrs. Bergstrom.
I'm Dr. Potter, the hospital chief of staff.
You found him.
Thank God.
Um, ma'am, I have a feeling there's been
some sort of mistake.
What do you mean?
I've double-checked the records in
admitting, then I double-checked that.
We push a lot of paperwork through, but believe
me, if your son was here, we'd have a record of him.
More importantly, someone on staff would
have remembered him.
You people are incompetent.
My son is here.
Why don't you people ever tell the truth?
What do you want from me?
First the army, now you.
Mrs. Bergstrom.
See?
That was a mistake, too.
He wasn't killed.
He is not dead.
He's just hurt.
And I want to see him and be with him
again.
It's not right.
It's not right to keep a mother from
Mr. Grist, call the transportation office.
Mr. Grist, transportation office
Claire!
Is it okay if I don't wear a tie?
You coming with me?
Really?
Yeah, I've been thinking about things.
Dying, mostly, and this crazy thought
popped into my head.
What if I get a bad break and live?
What if I last another 20, 30 years?
I mean, even if I don't, what do I do with
whatever time I get?
Do I spend it like Thorpe?
Or maybe like you?
Hey, that's great.
I hope you got a big appetite.
There's gonna be an awful lot of food.
I'll see you at your place, Klinger.
Too late.
Not to worry, there's always tomatoes.
Gemima.
Pettis had a good time, huh?
He must have.
He stayed all the way till Suspense
Theater tour was over.
You know what?
He really likes you.
And I like him.
And I like you.
And I like us.
And I like to go to bed.
I'll get the last dish.
What, no dessert?
Saturday, on the WizKids New Night,
Richie taps into a TV ratings computer.
If some people live and die by the
ratings, could the WizKids be next?
Later on Emerald Point in
A.S., Glenn has a scheme to
better himself when he finds
the truth about Hillary's past.
But first, Stephanie's intellectual battle
plan backfires in a big way on New Heart.
Next.