Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e14 Episode Script

1
[funky music]
- In the 1980s, there
were all kinds of cars--
cars that solved crime,
cars that time travelled,
cars that captured ghosts.
Damn, even in the afterlife,
Black folks get profiled.
Then there were the kinds
of cars my father bought--
cheap-ass ones.
- May I present
the new family car.
It's got floor mats,
a turn signal,
two-tone doors,
and only 150,000 miles--
that I know of.
The odometer's busted.
So what do you think?
- Just tell me you did
not buy this raggedy car
at a non-raggedy price.
- That's the best part.
I bought it dirt cheap
at a police auction.
- My father hated the police,
but he loved their auctions.
He bought all kinds of stuff--
a prosthetic leg,
a slightly used casket,
and a stuffed
Spuds MacKenzie doll.
We used it to scare
away robbers.
- The inside needs work,
but it's what's
on the outside that counts.
- Girls say that
to me all the time.
- And it kind of looks like me.
We both got shiny tops.
- That's great, baby.
With this car
and your work truck,
now I can brag
my man has two cars.
- After I pass driver's ed,
I can drive it
to Atlantic City
for the Jackie Chan-vention.
- And I can get rides to
the mall like a white girl.
- And I could drive it
to all my friends' houses.
Okay, my only friend's house.
- Hey, hey, hold up.
This car is for your mom
to run errands
and me to use
if my truck breaks down.
Practical purposes only.
Until y'all think of one,
y'all ain't using it.
- Hmm, practical purposes.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Chris, it's been six hours!
Stop trying to think
of a practical purpose
to use the car.
- Damn it.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
Ever since Tasha made
it clear the only man
she'd let see her naked
was The Lord,
I turned my attention
to my lab partner, Sienna.
She was the complete
opposite of Tasha.
- [sneezes]
- God bless you.
- Religion.
Ew.
- So, Sienna, do you want
to walk to the record store
with me after school?
- [scoffs]
I don't walk.
I'm getting a ride from Dennis.
- Dead-Tooth Dennis?
- Um, any man
with a car is hot.
- I have a car.
It's just in the shop.
I busted it up
drivin' too hard.
- Mm, well, I'd love
a ride sometime.
- In that moment, me and the
volcano had a lot in common.
Mom, can I have
some more syrup?
- The Court will allow it.
- But Chris already has enough.
- Objection sustained.
- Someone's excited
for jury duty.
- Let the court recognize that,
hell, yeah I'm excited!
Lawyers kissing my ass,
juicy courtroom gossip,
and most importantly,
I'm the boss.
Well, me and 11 other
less important people.
I'm gonna head out so I can
practice my "serious face"
before jury selection.
Keys?
- Oh, yeah.
- How about I drive
mom to court
and then drive me
and Drew to school?
- That's a dumb idea.
- Mom won't have
to pay for parking,
and we won't have
to pay bus fare.
We'd be saving money.
- That's a great idea.
Okay, you can drive the car,
but only this week
while your mom's on jury duty.
- Great. While Chris drives,
I can study
my driver's ed pamphlet
and point out all his mistakes.
- Chris's face is a mistake.
- Well, this face is
about to be driving
the new car while you're
walkin' to school.
Keys, please.
- I ain't giving you the keys
until we go over a few rules.
Rule 1, don't use the AC.
Rule 2, don't use the heat.
Rule 3, don't use
the defroster.
Just breathe less
and the windows won't fog up.
Rule 145, no detours
and no passengers.
Finally, rule 146,
don't ever leave
the keys in the car.
You got all that?
- Nope.
Yep.
- You better,
'cause I'm putting this roll
back in the bathroom.
I ain't wasting 39¢ worth
of toilet paper.
So what if you get
a little ink in your crack?
You'll live.
♪
- Hey, I got my car back
from the shop.
Want a ride home after school?
Ooh, ooh.
- Sure.
Don't need a ride today,
you dead-toothed fool.
- Wait, but Dad said
no passengers and no detours.
- The odometer's broken.
He'll never know.
Besides, it's just for today.
And Sienna actually likes me.
- She only likes
you for the car.
- I'm okay with that.
I have to actually try
to impress girls.
You don't.
You're dating the entire
volleyball team.
- Hi, Drew.
- Love your shirt.
- I wanna pick you up
like a lil baby.
- You think I don't have
to try to keep 12 girls happy
all at the same time?
Believe me, it's exhausting.
- If you let me drive
Sienna home just this once,
I'll let you drive
your girlfriends
a few blocks this week, okay?
- Me?
Drive the car?
Okay.
[dolphin trills]
Yes, finally gonna drive.
- And I'm finally
gonna get a girl.
- Drew!
- Ouch!
- Juror Number 11,
do you think you can
be fair and impartial
in this case?
- Absolutely.
I'm a steward of the law
and could not
ethically assess
a conclusion until all
the facts are presented.
- Great, you are
seated for trial.
- Heeey!
Mama got herself a trial!
- Send in the next
prospective juror.
[doors slam]
[people murmuring, gasping]
[light dramatic music]
- [grumbles]
- Juror Number 12,
can you be fair
and impartial in this case?
- Hell, naw!
And I'll tell you why.
I've been wrongly convicted
of several misdemeanors,
I think Matlock is
a phony old bitch,
and I have an
abnormally small bladder
that could ruin this jury box.
Can I go so I can, like, go?
- [snores]
- No.
Due to time constraints
and me trying
to make it to couple's therapy,
you are hereby seated
to this trial.
Opening statements will begin
as soon as I convince
my wife I'm not
cheating on her.
[bangs gavel]
- Damn it.
[school bell rings]
[volleyball team giggling]
- Uh, are those blood stains?
- Yeah, that's my blood from
fighting off a carjacker
who wanted to carjack my car.
[brakes squeal]
[engine revs]
- [grumbles]
- That's definitely
a moving violation.
He could get a $50 fine
for unnecessary speeding.
- I think it's cool.
Chris, can your car
go that fast?
- Only one way to find out.
[tires screech]
- [squeals]
[bubble pops]
- Peaches, pay attention.
- I am paying attention--
to that cute guy over there
with the buttery skin.
Ooh, who dat?
- He's the guy that robbed
the convenience store.
- He guilty, all right--
guilty of getting me
all hot and bothered.
Ooh!
- Ugh.
[bubble pops]
- Thanks for the ride, Chris.
Can I get another
ride home tomorrow?
- Um--
- My folks are gonna be
out of town
at a retreat for parents
of rebellious teens.
If you give me a ride home,
you can come in,
and we can do something.
- Like what?
- I can think of
several things.
- I will most definitely give
you a ride home tomorrow.
- Think fast!
- Ow!
Oh, come on.
- See?
We got home on time,
the car is okay,
and tomorrow, me and Sienna
are gonna "do something."
- Do what?
- I have no idea.
It might be a late lunch,
table tennis, sex.
What if it's sex?
Whatever it is, it's something
I can't do by myself.
- You know what else
is gonna be good?
When I tell Daddy you two
didn't drive straight home
like you were supposed to.
- Tonya, please don't tell Dad.
- Okay, I won't--
if you give me a ride
to school tomorrow.
Daddy, I have
something to tell you.
- Okay, deal.
- Hey, kids.
The car looks good.
- Thanks, it was
no trouble at all.
- I said it looks good.
I didn't say it is good.
Let me just do a quick
64-point inspection.
[suspenseful music]
♪
No unusual hairs
or sweat stains.
Hmm, no
outside-the-city-limits bugs,
and the blood stains are
just as they were.
Nice job, boys.
I'm glad I can trust
you with the car.
- Oh, man, I feel super
guilty for deceiving Dad.
Don't you?
- Guilty that we
got away with it
and I might actually have
sex with Sienna tomorrow?
Hell, no!
Tomorrow, I become a man.
- So the hottie defendant
not only "allegedly" stole
$5,000 from the register,
but also all of the
lottery tickets in the store.
- Wait, little defendant
from across
the courtroom held $5,000?
- Ugh.
- Rochelle, what
scent do you think
defines me as a car owner?
- The scent of a man too busy
working two jobs
to find time to actually
drive the car.
- That's cold, but accurate.
What's wrong?
- Peaches is what's wrong.
She's so distracting,
I can't enjoy myself.
She's ruining jury duty for me!
- Sounds like you're ruining
jury duty for yourself.
[sniffs]
Mmm.
- Excuse me?
- Your prejudice
for Peaches has nothing
to do with enjoying jury duty.
Try to treat her
like you're supposed
to treat the defendant,
innocent until proven guilty.
- I guess you have a point.
Okay, I'll try to make
jury duty fun,
even with
stupid-ass Peaches there.
- [sniffs]
- [sniffs]
Mmm, lavender.
Nice.
- Ooh, that do
it for you, baby?
How about after court,
you and me retire
to our private chambers for an
intimate cross-examination?
- I'll allow it.
- Change of plans.
I want you to drop me off
at the mall down the street.
- What?
Our deal was
for a ride to school.
- All my friends are at
the mall before school.
And I want them
to see me in the car.
If they don't see me,
they can't be jealous of me.
If my friends can't
be jealous of me,
then what's the point
of having friends?
- Ugh, fine.
I'll drive to the mall.
- Chris, can I drive now?
- No, I said, you can drive
your girlfriends.
And they ain't here.
- I need the practice.
If you don't let me,
I'll tell Sienna the car
actually belongs to Dad.
- Fine, you can drive.
It'll give me time
to get ready for Sienna.
Dope hair? Check.
Pleasant body odor?
[sniffs] Check.
Bringing home no babies--
- You pathetic virgin fool.
I expired years ago.
- Uh, Chris?
There's a car coming this way.
- So? He's on his side.
You stay on your side.
- He's going really fast.
Getting really close.
[brakes squeal]
[all scream]
- Ah, no.
The paint is stripped
clean off.
Oh, man, this is
gonna get much worse.
[door creaking]
[thud]
- I can't believe I
panicked and crashed.
I don't panic.
I'm Drew.
- Stop panicking
about panicking.
We gotta work
together to fix this.
- Work with you
and not against you?
Uh, I don't know
how to do that.
- So, Chris, what do we do?
- We don't have time
to get the door fixed,
so we need to find a
matching replacement door.
I think I know where
we can get one.
- You kids destroyed
my beach house.
- You claim you weren't there
during the robbery, correct?
- That's right.
I was at the movies,
seeing "Beverly Hills Cop."
- And do you have a witness
who can testify you were there?
- I can tell you what
the movie is about.
- Sure.
- So Eddie Murphy is
a funny-ass cop.
There's some vanilla-ass cops,
a dope-dealin'-ass bad guy.
The stuffy-ass police captain
don't like Eddie's Black ass,
so he got to go
to Beverly Hills.
- Do you think the judge
and bailiff are
secretly sleeping together?
- It ain't a secret no more.
[whispering]
Look at the other bailiff.
- [gasps] You're right.
What moisturizer do you think
the defendant uses
to look so smooth?
- High-quality shea butter.
Ooh, I just want to lick him
like a butter lollipop.
[both giggling]
I got some moisturizer
in my purse.
You want some?
- And just like that,
my mom was loving
jury duty again.
- And then the funny-ass cop
is like, "I'm being funny.
I'm Eddie Murphy."
And then, the girl with
the big-ass bazongas goes--
- This place is huge.
We'll never find
a matching door in time.
- Hi, are you Paulie?
- I don't know no Paulie.
- But your gold chain
says "Paulie,"
and your face is
on the billboard.
- Are you the
billboard police now?
- We need help.
We're looking for a dark blue
'82 Buick Grand National.
Have you seen one of those?
- Maybe, maybe not.
I see a lot of things.
[thudding]
- Do I hear someone
in that trunk?
- [muffled shouting]
- Maybe, maybe not.
I hear a lot of things too.
- Ugh, we don't have
time for this.
We're in a hurry.
[laughter]
- Whoa!
- You bust my balls
in my junkyard
telling me what I should be
seeing and hearing and doing?
Get lost!
- Well, I guess we're screwed.
Bye-bye, mall.
- Bye-bye, driver's license.
Chris, what do you want
to say bye-bye to?
- I'm not saying
bye to anything.
I was too weak
to intimidate him.
I was too poor to bribe him.
And I was too Black
to call the cops on him.
So I went to him man to man.
Please help us.
I'm trying to impress a girl
who's really into cars.
If I don't give her
a ride home,
she won't hook up with me
and I'll remain
a virgin forever.
- My goomah was gaga for my
car, too, when we first met.
May she rest in peace.
Fellas, let's help
the kid pop his cherry.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Wow, Chris, your
pathetic virgin life
actually helped us for once.
- This is great.
Now I can finally
hook up with Sienna.
- What? No!
It's too late.
We need to get home
before Dad does.
- I don't care anymore
if I get caught.
This might be my only
chance with Sienna.
I deserve this.
- But it's not just about you.
If Mom and Dad find out,
I'll never be allowed
to get my license.
- And I'll never be allowed
to go to the mall again.
- I had to make
a hard decision.
Help my siblings
or hook up with a girl.
Kind of like Drake
or Kendrick.
- Your body, your body,
your body, body, girl ♪
Your body, your body ♪
- Chris, let's do it
on your car.
- This shouldn't
be a hard choice.
Family comes first.
And get this damn girl
off my hood-head!
- Okay, you're right.
Let's go home.
[all gasp]
- Daddy's already
on his way home.
- We're screwed.
There's no way we
can beat him home.
- Yes, we can.
I know a shortcut.
- Let's run some red lights.
- Hope you get
yourself some, bambino.
- Okay, time to vote.
Those who think he's guilty,
raise your hands.
- Lady, just vote guilty
so we can go home.
I'm almost out of smokes.
[exhales]
- Nuh-uh.
My gut tells me this fine,
Grade-A meat of a man
is innocent.
- She also believed
OJ was innocent too.
- Peaches, you only want
him to be innocent
'cause you think he's hot.
- Him being hot has
nothing to do with it.
I've been on trial more times
than Michael Jackson's
bleached his bottom.
And the worst thing
about it was
the jury decided my fate solely
on how I looked and talked.
And that hurt.
And y'all are doing the
same thing to the defendant.
That ain't right!
- Peaches, honey, I'm real
sorry you went through that.
But what facts do you have
that he's innocent?
- Fact, he got green eyes.
Black dudes with green eyes
don't commit crimes.
They too fine.
Fact, he's a Capricorn.
'Nuf said.
And in conclusion,
nobody with skin that smooth
would do this.
- Wait, Peaches,
you might be right.
Everybody, look at the security
camera footage of the robbery.
We can't see
the stickup man's face.
But his skin is ashy as hell.
Now look at Carl's mugshot.
They don't match.
- Exactly!
Carl looks finger-lickin' good.
- Nobody's going nowhere until
we talk this whole thing out.
[upbeat music playing
on radio]
[suspenseful music]
♪
- Yes!
We're gonna make it.
- What's wrong, Drew?
- Everybody did something
to help today except me.
Chris, you're groveling
got us the door.
Tonya, your shortcut
got us home before Dad.
All I did was crash the car.
- Uh, who cares?
We got away with it.
- Uh, we're not gonna
get away with anything.
Look!
The new door is too clean.
There's no blood stains on it.
- Where can we get blood
to recreate the stains?
- Drew, karate chop
me in the nose,
and we could use my blood.
- No way.
Sensei Jason says
you should only use
karate as a defense mechanism.
- We're trying to defend
our butts from a beating.
Karate chop me.
- Dad's almost home!
- Come on, Drew.
You can do it.
- [inhales]
[dramatic music]
♪
- Aah!
[bleeping]
[indistinct shouting]
- [crying]
- Hopefully that will do it.
- Hey, kids.
How was school today?
- Fine.
- Fine, Daddy.
- And how's the car?
all: Also fine.
- Any trouble?
all: No trouble at all.
- Hmm, we'll see.
[suspenseful music]
♪
All good.
- We know.
- Let me put my
lunchbox in the house,
then we'll go pick up mom.
[everyone sighs]
- Thanks for doing
karate on me, Drew.
See? You did help today.
- Hmm, guess I'm not
just a pretty face.
- Ew.
Chris, I'm really sorry
your stupid, ugly self didn't
get to hang out
with that stupid,
slutty girl today.
- Uh, thanks, Tonya.
And, hey, maybe I still have
a chance with Sienna.
Dennis impregnated Sienna
that night.
They got married
and had six kids.
They all got dead teeth too.
- Oh, okay,
you suckas want more?
Fact, the defendant
does have a record.
But he's only been arrested
for car theft,
not sticking up stores.
- Peaches is right.
His nickname is literally
"Jackin' Carl, the Car Jacker."
Duh.
- And the robber held
the gun in his right hand.
But Carl is left-handed.
- Why didn't his lawyer raise
these points during the trial?
- Duh, 'cause he's
a public defender.
They're overworked
and just want to close cases.
- That explains why there were
bigger holes in his defense
than the one in your throat,
Vickie.
[indistinct chatter]
- We, the jury--
- Find the fine-ass
defendant not guilty.
both: Not guilty.
Peaches, I'm sorry I thought
you only wanted
Carl to be innocent because
you were attracted to him.
- Thanks for saying
that, Rochelle.
- Just wanted to say thanks for
voting my fine ass not guilty.
- Well, I call 'em
like I see 'em.
And I like what I see.
- Maybe I could
call you sometime.
- As long as it's not collect.
Here's my number.
Okay, so him being hot had
everything to do with it.
But once we looked
at the evidence,
I realized he truly was
innocent.
- I'm not even mad.
Together, we set
an innocent man free.
- How was court, Mom?
- Did you get me anything?
- Court was great.
And you were right, baby.
I found a way to make
jury duty fun again.
- I'm so glad.
What the hell are you doing?
- I'm stealing your car,
that's what.
- The man was
innocent in this case.
But, yeah, clearly
he's a criminal.
- A hot-as-hell criminal.
Call me, Carl, with your
shea butter skin-having ass.
- Ah, it's okay.
He ain't going nowhere without
the keys, right, Chris?
- Uh, yeah.
- Where are the keys, son?
[engine turns over]
[tires squealing]
[sobbing]
Chris!
- Run, kid!
singers: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
- Boy!
[funky music]
♪
- MTV ♪