Family Affair (1966) s01e14 Episode Script

1
Would you mind saying that again?
I said I wondered if it wouldn't be a good idea if we
rotated the seating arrangements at the dinner table.
What's a rotate?
Well, uh, Cissy means that
she thinks we should change, uh,
the places where we sit at the
table when we eat every night.
Why?
Because then no one would ever dominate.
What's a dominate?
That's sort of a boss.
Are you trying to say that I dominate the
table?
Oh, well, you can't help it, Uncle Bill, but
you're taller than us, and your voice is louder.
All I mean is, if you're at the head of the table every
night, then our puny personalities can never emerge.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, friends, we're, uh, gonna start
rotating the seating arrangements.
Uh, tomorrow night, uh, I'll be here,
and Cissy will be there.
And Jody will be here, and then Buffy will
be at the head of the table.
Very good, sir.
We're doing this so no one will be
dominant over the rest of the family.
I see, Miss Cissy.
I knew you would, Giles.
So, the next thing the giant knew,
he was falling and falling.
But lucky for him, he fell into a pillow
factory.
Hey, me.
Yeah.
And the feathers flew and flew for miles
all around.
Is that because some of the pillows
busted?
Burst.
No, it was because he was a big,
fat, heavy guy.
And all he had to do to get home now was to cross
over the Sea of Tortoises and a desert of dreams.
Did they live happily ever after?
Sure.
Sure, they always do.
Yes, well, come, children, time to retire.
Well, I'll put them to bed, Giles.
Come on, you guys.
Good night, Uncle Bill.
Good night.
Come on.
How come you're putting us to bed,
Sissy?
Well, it's time we develop our sibling
relationship.
Oh.
Come on, Bucky.
Oh, uh, is Miss Sissy indulging in what is
known as a fete?
Yes, sir.
I guess so, French.
That's what all the table rotating's
about.
I see.
Then we are to permit the young lady to
address us as Giles, sir?
She can't keep it up for long.
Do you mind, really?
Apart from the fact that I've always
detested my first name, sir, no, sir.
I'm pretty sure she'll tell us what it's
all about soon.
Meantime, what harm can it do?
You mean the giant didn't live happily?
Well, Buffy, in the first place,
there's no such thing as a giant,
or a sea of tortoises, or a desert of
dreams.
And how come Uncle Bill keeps telling us
about him?
Oh, Uncle Bill feels that children should be
told fantasies because they're not ready for life.
But recent studies show that children are
able to accept a lot more than has been realized.
Julian says this is known as a precocious
perception syndrome.
Well
Who's Julian?
Oh, he's a great and wonderful man.
So, when Uncle Bill tells you these
stories, be polite and listen,
but don't accept them.
Just tell yourself, this is not reality.
Okay, Jody, I'll put you to bed now.
Jody, do you know what she was talking
about?
Sure, Uncle Bill.
Hotel Phibbs.
Kids get off school all right?
Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, I hesitate to mention this,
sir, but I have the distinct impression
that this phase Miss Sissy's passing
through is taking a nasty turn.
Huh?
Yes, we had a lengthy
discourse last night, sir, in which
the young woman attempted
to incite me to rebellion.
What do you mean, French?
Well, I can't give you a verbatim quote,
sir, but, um, the general gist of the
conversation was that I am in a condition
of servitude bordering on serfdom.
Uh, there was considerable quoting from a
source called Julian.
Julian?
Who's he, some new boyfriend?
I fancy so, sir.
Well, what she wants you to do?
Oh, I am to assert myself, sir.
I am to consider myself the equal of
anyone on this planet.
Uh, I believe that was, uh, the way she
phrased it, sir.
Yes, sir, and I am not to address her as
Miss Sissy.
And I am to sit in your present if I feel
so inclined.
And, oh, yes, sir, and last, I am not to
pepper my conversations with sirs, sir.
Yeah.
Well, it looks like this Julian,
whoever he is, has started her thinking.
I guess there's nothing wrong with that.
No, of course not, sir.
Are we to ignore the proceedings,
sir?
French I read somewhere the best way to
get close to kids is to stay away from them.
Sissy?
Hmm?
Nine kids in the first grade say there is
two such a thing as a giant.
Walter Pulsimer says he's got one in his
basement.
Well, we know better, don't we?
If Walter Pulsimer doesn't have a giant in his
basement, how come Jody and me paid a nickel to see it?
Did you actually see the giant?
No.
Walter said he just went out for a walk.
Now, sir, I believe you
should know that Miss Sissy is
preparing your dinner with
the doubtful aid of the twins.
How'd that come about?
Well, in pursuing the theory that this
phase would soon pass her, I allowed the
young woman into my domain, so to speak,
and she's now preparing what she fondly
believes to be your favorite dinner,
steaks and chops.
Well, I guess I can't choose.
Steaks and chops?
Yes, sir.
Oh, sir, and the matter of feudalism came
up again.
Now what?
Well, I'm to retire to my quarters while you're
being served dinner and put my feet up, sir.
Dinner is served.
Here we are, Uncle Bill.
I cooked them well done because well,
only savages eat their meat raw.
These were gonna be baked potatoes,
but they kept falling on the floor,
so we mashed them.
What do you got in the bag?
Donuts.
I can't eat steaks and chops when they
look like that.
Me neither.
Doesn't it give you a nice feeling to know
that Mr. French is in his room with his feet up?
Good night, Uncle Bill.
Good night, kids.
Oh.
Hey, don't you want a story?
No, thanks, Uncle Bill.
Sissy says, you don't mean to,
but you keep telling us fibs.
Oh.
Sir, I've just been informed by Miss Sissy
that I'm to wear slacks and an open shirt.
Now, really, sir.
Would you be more comfortable?
I would pity, sir.
May I suggest that the young woman is
misguided?
Oh, I know she means well, sir.
Why, she even offered to buy me the slacks
out of her savings.
But really, sir, as a former
employer used to say, one doesn't
put bear grease on the
tracks to speed the train along.
What's that mean?
I never knew, sir, but it always seemed
apt.
May I suggest, sir, that a strong talk in
Miss Cissy's direction is indicated.
This Julian of hers is taking her too far.
Right.
You're right.
Oh, thanks.
I'll handle this one alone.
Oh, very good, sir.
Does Cissy mind if we have a little talk?
Oh, I'd be glad to, Uncle Bill.
I think one of the things we need around
here is more communication.
Julian says that communication is the
lifeblood of living.
Well, listen, did you, uh, did you mention
anything to the twins about me telling them fibs?
No, Uncle Bill.
Good.
Well, they must have got mixed up.
She just says there's no such thing as a
sea of dreams and a turtle desert.
Buffy, I'll handle this, okay?
What did you tell them, honey?
Well, simply that you've
been fantasizing, Uncle Bill,
and that we're not to give
the stories any, um, credence.
Does that mean there is a turtle desert?
Buffy.
Honey, do you mind if I say that I think you're using
some words and theories that you're not quite sure of?
Oh, I want you to say it, Uncle Bill.
It's all part of communication.
Julian would want you to, too.
Uh-huh.
Honey, I never have tried to horn in on
your personal emotions or anything,
but right now I think this Julian's kind
of a big influence on your life.
Oh, Julian stands in front of the class like, well,
like, like one of the gods on top of the Parthenon.
And he tells us about life and the world
and human relationships and, um, and.
..
Communication.
You call your teacher Julian?
Only in her head.
Buffy, if you don't stay out of this,
you're gonna get in big trouble.
Julian Hill.
I won't call Julian a teacher,
Uncle Bill, because he's bigger than that.
He has a stamp of greatness about him.
Like Leander or Voltaire or Cary Grant.
You'd love him, Uncle Bill.
I think you'd even understand most of the
things he advocates.
Yeah.
Well, I'm glad we had a little talk,
honey.
Good night.
Good night, Uncle Bill.
Good night, Uncle Bill.
Well, any results, sir?
French, I feel the need to communicate.
Communicate, sir?
With whom?
Julian Hill.
Uh,
Mr. Hill?
Yes.
My name's Davis.
I'm Cissy Davis's uncle.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
Do you mind if I go on working as we talk?
I don't like to come to work with
shambles.
No, go right ahead.
Go right ahead.
Well, um
Cissy's quite taken to your subject.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Excellent student.
Thank you.
But what I came to see about
What I came to see about is that, uh, Cissy's very
anxious to start applying the psychology of yours at home.
That interfere with your daily living,
does it, Mr. Davis?
No, no, uh, it wouldn't.
That is, it wouldn't if I was,
uh
Well, I'm not quite so sure that she's
applying what you teach her correctly.
Well, does she communicate with you,
Mr. Davis?
No.
I mean, does she tell you why?
She's doing whatever it is she does.
Yeah, we had a couple of talks, but something
new has crept into the situation now, see?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I think she's developing one of those
half-hero worship, half-infatuation,
uh Excuse me for a minute.
Sure.
A thing like that certainly does jar the
eye.
Nancy, you were about to say
How would you like to have dinner with us
tomorrow night?
Well, I I, uh Well, it just
occurred to me, I thought it might be
an excellent opportunity for you to
watch some of your theories in action.
Oh, uh, they're not my theories,
Mr. Davis.
I simply pass on the work of others.
Oh, I see.
Uh, yes.
Yes, that would be nice.
It's very kind of you to ask me.
Julian here?
Well, yeah, he seemed to like the idea.
Oh, but why?
Why did you even go down to school?
Why'd you ask him to dinner?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I just thought you'd like to get to know
him better, that's all.
Well, I would.
But I can't face him alone.
He's too great a man.
Can Gail come to dinner, too?
Sure, anything you say.
Oh, Uncle Bill, I'm half goosebumps and
half chills.
This is going to be the greatest emotional
experience of my life.
That's nice.
Do we detect a method in your madness,
sir?
Well, French, I'm hoping that you'll find
out our hero has feet of Clay.
I'm also hoping I haven't done something
stupid.
He's here.
Giles, just let him in.
Oh, I think I'm going to faint.
What's he wearing?
Dark suit.
Oh.
Dark suit.
Jody's got on a dark suit.
Yeah.
And it's choking me in the stomach.
And the stomach is tender.
Will Walter Paul Summer hit it?
And all I said was that he didn't have a
giant in his face.
Okay, let's go.
We'll talk about Walter and his giant
later.
Julian's waiting for us.
And therefore, you see, self-consciousness
can be a dreadful thing because the true
personality is hidden beneath a welter of
self-denigration.
It can't emerge.
I never heard anything so true,
Mr. Hill.
Me neither.
Me neither.
Me neither.
Isn't, um, sometimes isn't
self-consciousness a form of self-esteem?
Oh, yes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes, yes.
But it's brought on, you see, through
external forces so that the subject is
never aware of his own importance to
himself, you see.
I never heard anything so true,
Mr. Hill.
Oh, me neither.
Me neither.
What did he mean?
I don't know, but it sounded neat.
The thought occurs, sir, that you might
all enjoy coffee in the living room.
Thank you, French.
Shall we stretch our legs?
Isn't he just a perfect individual,
Uncle Bill?
In what way do we expect Mr. Hill to show
his feet of Clay, sir?
I don't know, French.
At school, he was so meticulous.
He was lint picking and straightening
things all the time.
I guess I thought maybe, uh
We'd better get in there.
Sir.
And much of it, I think, is due to
conditioning, you see.
Thus, the ancients were conditioned to
much more brutality than we are now,
despite what we read in the papers.
These little tykes here, for instance,
are conditioned.
Now, they're conditioned by the city
around them.
To accept traffic or attitudes or noises, it would
frighten the hardiest Roman warrior to death.
What's a tyke?
We are.
We quit being tykes when we were about 13.
Come, children.
Time for bed.
Okay.
Will you tell us a story, Mr. Hill?
Hey, yeah.
About school.
No, about giants.
Hey, kids, watch it.
Oh.
Look what they've done.
Little monsters.
Topping with cream and sugar, that almost
never comes out.
We're sorry we wrecked your suit,
mister.
We have some money in our piggy bank,
if you want to have it fixed.
If it's less than a whole dollar,
you can give Cissy the change at school.
Well, it's just that it was hot,
and I wasn't expecting it.
It's a brand new suit.
I didn't mean to call you that,
it just slipped out.
Well, it's been a lovely evening,
Mr. Davis.
I think I'll be leaving.
I can't stand a damp suit.
Hey, hey, hey, come on.
Come here.
Uncle Bill.
I know, honey.
It's real tough when your idol falls off
his pedestal.
Oh, but he was so vile.
He made Buffy and Jody feel just terrible.
Oh, now, come on.
You're going too far the other way.
It wasn't all that bad.
Now, sis, um, I want to tell you
something.
It kind of sneaked in me, but I brought
him here tonight on purpose.
Now, look, he's a good teacher.
Yeah, he's a good enough guy.
But he's a human, honey, just like the
rest of us.
In fact, I was kind of hoping he'd do
something like that.
I'm a little sorry now.
Sorry?
He yelled about that silly suit like a,
oh, like a
Oh, he yelled like a man that just had a
hot cup of coffee dumped all over him.
Like a man.
Not like one of the gods on top of the
Parthenon.
That's all I wanted to prove.
Uncle Bill, you're so smart.
Yeah, that's where you're wrong.
I'm not so sure I handled this thing right
either.
Anyway, I want you to promise me one
thing, okay?
What?
You're gonna go back to that class and
learn from a teacher that knows his job
and not from some hero that can't make a
mistake, okay?
You promise?
I promise.
Mr. French says there is such a thing as a
turtle desert and giants and junk.
Is there, Uncle Bill?
Well, I think maybe Cissy ought to answer
that.
Uncle Bill, I'm gonna do like you said.
Ask Mr. Hill how I should answer that.
I'll tell you tomorrow night.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night, Uncle Bill.
Good night, Uncle Bill.
Hi.
Sorry about missing dinner.
Are the kids going to bed?
I've only at this moment assisted them
into their pajamas, sir.
Well, I won't bother them.
Oh, if you'll forgive me saying so,
sir.
I think you should.
Hmm?
But the flying fish said, no, I'll never
be able to fly again until I get a life.
The poor flying fish.
Quit worrying.
He'll get a license, huh, Cissy?
Well, now, flying licenses weren't easy to get in
seaweed country because almost nobody wanted to fly.
Hurry up, Cissy.
Get him his license.
Well
I'd say she's beginning to communicate,
wouldn't you?
Indeed, sir.
Here he is.
He gave you an idea.
Are you coming?
Hmm?
Oh, with your permission, sir, I should like
to see how the flying fish achieves his license.