Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e14 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Okay, don't tell Quinten
we're celebrating his new promotion
by taking him out
to a fancy steak dinner.
At Panda Express.
He's only part-time assistant manager.
- So he's lord of the dorks now.
- [LAUGHTER]
Excuse me, do you know
where I can find your
part-time assistant manager?
I'm looking for him too.
I already forgot the code
to the bathroom.
For the last time, it's 420-69.
You're the one who changed it.
You work here now?
Yeah, we had an opening for a greeter,
and George wanted it,
so I gave it to him.
I'm a nepo baby.
I just thought the family
could use a little extra money
to cover the expenses.
You people with your fancy brown eggs,
green lettuce, and white milk.
He's not qualified.
He thought an iPad was
one of my feminine products.
And how does he greet people?
"What? So you think
you're better than me now?"
No. I say the proper hello.
And then I say, "What? So you
think you're better than me?"
George has a very impressive résumé.
The guy has had hundreds of jobs.
Plus, he's a diversity hire.
Why? Because I'm Latino?
No, it's 'cause you're old.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Say what you will about Panda Express,
but it is the best steak
served by an ice cream scoop
money can buy.
I'll remember that.
How was your day at work?
Well, I had to clean up
- after a turtle with explosive diarrhea.
- Yep.
You'd think after all this time
living with a vet tech,
I'd learn not to ask
about her day while I'm eating.
It's been a little unsatisfying lately.
I want to deliver puppies,
not Dr. Pocha's Cobb salad
with vegan bacon
and dressing on the side.
Maybe it's time to start talking again
about getting that veterinary degree.
I can't go to vet school full-time.
I'm a mom already working long hours.
At this rate, I think Chance
will graduate from college
- before I do.
- [CHUCKLES]
We can't afford to send him to college.
Excuse me.
- Momo, what are you doing?
- Delicates.
No, you don't live here,
so why are you doing
your laundry in our house?
My laundry? That makes no sense.
This is George's.
I do it every Tuesday, and then
we grab a beer together.
It's the most meaningful
90 seconds of my week.
Yeah, but George isn't here.
He took off after his shift
at the Apple Store
to do something with Oscar.
With Oscar? On our special night?
Now I know
how Rosie felt all these years.
You okay, Momo?
I'm sorry for getting emotional.
It's just that
George never invites me along
when he's with Oscar,
because Oscar hates me.
Oh, that's not true.
Oscar is always so high, he
doesn't even know who you are.
He probably thinks
you're, like, a giant talking pineapple.
Oh, he knows. Oscar's been jealous of me
ever since I became George's
hotter, younger best friend.
You know what, Momo? I'm free tonight
if you want to crack open
a couple of Yoo-hoos,
play some "D&D."
Ding! The laundry's done!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
2:00 a.m.?
I can't believe we binged a
whole season of "Yellowstone."
That is 9 murders, 40 fistfights,
and 200 times Rip Wheeler made
me feel like less of a man.
Oh, Quinten. I forgot you were here.
Where's Dad?
Last time he wasn't home by 2:00 a.m.,
we didn't see him for ten years.
You guys want
some leftover chili fat fries?
Ha, if you drop them on the floor,
they let you take them home.
Wait, you work at
the Apple Store and Fatburger?
Fatty-B's is Oscar's second job.
They had an opening
thanks to a little accident
with a cheese slicer.
Poor Freddy. He was always clumsy.
- Now he really is all thumbs.
- Oh.
I don't think you should
be working three jobs.
Me neither. That's why I got four.
I started an OnlyFans for sexy movers.
I gotta tell Momo
he has to wax everything.
You're having Momo do that and not me?
But I only have two jobs, and
I'd really be good at this one.
Sorry, Oscar,
but big boys are in season.
Mom, tell Dad it's unhealthy
to work so many jobs.
Only if he keeps eating
those dusty fries.
I've always had multiple jobs.
I'm an insurance agent,
but I'm also a travel agent,
an Avon sales agent,
and Momo's talent agent.
Waxing the drapes is fine,
but if you want hardwood floors,
it's gonna cost you.
Why do you want so many jobs?
I have one,
and I'm not even enjoying it.
I just check in,
I check temperatures up butts,
- I check out.
- Oh, cool.
Are you guys hiring over there or
Mayan, the reason
you're not enjoying your job
is because you have too much
free time to think about it.
A second job would fix
all of your issues.
What issue are you trying
to fix with a fourth job?
I got stress, man!
Having three jobs is a lot of pressure,
but it works, you know?
That's why Latinos,
we wrote a traditional song about it.
- Here, let's show them.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
If you're sad
and you know it, get a job ♪
If you want to end it all ♪
Salt some pretzels at the mall ♪
If you're sad
and you know it, get a job ♪
Okay, but that's
If you're sad
and you know it, get a job ♪
ALL: If you're sad
and you know it, get a job ♪
Before you rest in peace ♪
Pop your trunk, hawk a fleece ♪
Feeling down in the dumps? ♪
Go to Arco and work the pumps ♪
If you're dealing with your demons ♪
Sell your blood ♪
Sell your semens ♪
ALL: If you're sad and you know it ♪
Get a job ♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
- [BOTH SCREAM]
- What the hell, Momo?
I thought you were a duffel bag.
My place is being fumigated,
so George said I could stay
in the truck for the weekend.
But this is my apartment.
Don't you live in your mom's garage?
- That is my summer home.
- Whatever, dude.
My best friend said I could stay here,
so I'm not leaving.
He's not your best friend.
He's my best friend.
We're talking about George, right?
Well, he said I could stay here too,
- so I'm not leaving either.
- Fine.
Sleep well.
But be warned,
I had lentils for dinner.
Well, you should be warned
that I don't even know what a lentil is.
- Oh, now I do.
- Oh, wow.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Well, as the old saying goes,
another day,
another bucket of gerbil vomit.
Hey, George, can you pass me
my jade face roller
without sticking it
down your pants first?
- George?
- [SNORING]
Dad? Oh, Dad, wake up.
Oh!
I was dreaming
I was a penguin in "Happy Feet.
Look, Dad, you're exhausted
from all those jobs.
I don't want you working
yourself into an early grave.
You know, when was the
last time you took a day off?
- Either of you?
- The day you were born.
I went into work late.
Does that count?
Mayan, if I was God, I would've worked
on the seventh day
creating something fun
like chorizo potpourri.
Work is important, but so is self-care.
Yeah, it's important to have
a good work-life balance.
You barely work, and you have no life.
You guys aren't Gen Z.
You guys are Gen Lazy. Ha!
[CHUCKLES] Facts!
- [LAUGHTER]
- You know, what? That's it.
I insist you take tomorrow off
from all your jobs.
You need a mental health day.
All right, fine, we'll take a day off,
but only if you do what you know
is gonna make you feel good
and get a second job.
Okay, well,
where am I supposed to do that?
Well, it feels like
my new hire is gonna call in
- pretending to be sick tomorrow.
- [COUGHS]
- So I have an opening.
- Okay.
I'll work the morning shift
at the Apple Store
and spend the rest of the day
at the vet.
I should call HR.
As your boss, I have to disclose
our sexual relationship.
- I I don't think you need to do that.
- No, I do.
Everyone at work thinks I'm a virgin.
I started that rumor.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Aha. I had the best morning.
Did you know
that at the farmers' market,
you can collect enough free samples
to make your own fruit salad
in your purse?
Well, did you know if you take a shower
longer than three minutes,
the water gets hot?
I got so excited,
I had to take a cold shower.
[LAUGHTER] I'm bored out of my mind!
I want to jump off a bridge!
It's not fair Mayan got to work today.
I don't know. In a minute. I'm sorry.
Okay, you animals need to back off!
Lucky bitch.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
George doesn't like his shirts pressed.
He likes 'em rumpled, because sometimes
passersbys give him a dollar.
A real best friend would know that.
Well, maybe a former
best friend would think that,
but his current best friend
knows he likes his fabrics crisp,
because it feels good when
it rubs against his nipples.
I have known those nipples
longer than you.
I know how they perk up
at the sound
of a beer can cracking open.
I even make the sound for him sometimes
when he needs a little
excitement. Ka-chhhh!
Why not just get a real beer?
'Cause I can't afford it.
George hasn't paid me in three months,
because he says
he sees me more as a friend
than as an employee.
Well, he hasn't paid me in four months
for the same reason, so suck it.
Wait.
Did he tell both of us
that we were his best friends
just so he could get his laundry done,
his nipples titillated,
and save a few bucks?
I feel so used.
I waxed my huevos for that fool.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Ugh, will this day ever end?
I'd do anything to kill the time.
You wanna have sex?
I'm not supposed to do any work today.
So how was your mental health day?
Long!
Time goes by so slowly
when you're a drain on society.
How was having two jobs, Mayan?
Was it the best day ever?
Well, I thought at the end
of the day I would hate it,
but I hated it well before that.
Having two jobs just
made me twice as miserable,
so I quit the Apple Store.
Well, it's not really called quitting
when you've been escorted
out of the building.
Wait a minute.
You quit that job,
but we need that extra income.
Guess I better start
looking for job number five.
No. Work is an addiction for you.
You're constantly chasing
the high of making more money,
but no matter how much
you make, it's never enough.
- You need to slow down.
- I did, okay?
I took a whole day off, all right?
Look at all this dirt.
I am impressed you went the whole day
without judgmentally cleaning our house.
- Wait. So this dirt is coming from
- [BOOT SCRAPES]
Dad's work boots?
I did a little gardening.
Oh, did you finally plant
those hedges I've been asking you about?
- Yes.
- Oh, great.
In the neighbor's yard for money.
You took a job?
So you didn't even try to learn
the value of time off and self-care.
I tried. And you know what I learned?
- That there is no value.
- There is.
But you would rather numb
yourself with a million jobs
than confront any negative feelings.
You want to work?
Why don't you try working on yourself?
Hey, that's enough.
Do you know what it's like
to be broke, Mayan?
Do you know what it's like
to be living in your moving van
and looking through
people's trash for food?
You do that now. You like trash food.
When it's on my terms.
Your moving business
is back on its feet.
You can afford to take a day off.
- You're just too stubborn to do it.
- No, I can't.
Because my business is failing, okay?
So I'm sorry
I didn't take a damn day off,
but I'm trying to survive.
Dad, what's going on?
You said your business is picking up.
That was just a slogan, you know,
because we're movers.
I mean, it worked for a little while,
but business is dropping off.
Oh, that works as a slogan too.
Because you're movers.
When did this start happening?
A few months ago.
You know, interest rates
are up, and no one's moving.
After all these years, I might have
to shut down Lop-EZ Movers.
And I had such high hopes
when I started the business.
Keep your eyes closed.
- One more step.
- [CHUCKLES]
Wow. This new truck, it's beautiful.
Thanks.
I am so proud of you.
I can't believe
I'm starting my own business.
Whoa, you can get high in this truck.
Excuse me, Mayan?
- See? I'm as high as a kite.
- [LAUGHTER]
And one truck is just the beginning.
I'll always do what it takes
to provide for my family.
We know you will. [CHUCKLES]
I'd hoped to have
a whole fleet of trucks
and a full staff by now.
Lop-EZ Movers could've gone global.
In France, I could've
been Movér de Lop-Uh-Zed!
But all that's gone. Le sigh.
I think you've been
using those other jobs
as a way to avoid dealing with
your feelings about all this.
Yes, Mayan. Do I have
to sing the song again?
You know, George, all these years,
even if you weren't there,
you kept your promise
about providing for this family.
I think it's time
we did the same for you.
My businesses are doing great right now,
especially being Momo's agent.
Ha, that big boy books.
Well, I'm glad
your businesses
are doing so well, Rosie.
I'm not saying it to rub it in,
although I don't hate that part.
I'm saying it because
I'm ready to take on another.
I want to invest in Lop-EZ Movers.
- You want to invest?
- Yes.
I believe in you. And your business.
We'll get you back on track
so you can do what you love.
- Wow. Thanks, Rosie.
- Mm-hmm.
That's so great, guys.
And hearing you guys talking
about doing what you love
got me thinking.
I know what I have to do.
Is it draw focus to yourself?
No, I just realized that
if I'm unsatisfied at work,
I can't wait for it to change
or bury it under a job
that I like even less.
So that's why
I'm gonna go to vet school.
[GASPS] That's great.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Will you be able to write prescriptions?
Well, school costs money
instead of making money,
so technically,
you will still be fixing
your problems with work,
- so we win.
- [LAUGHS]
Yeah, we did.
Take that, mental health.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Hey, bestie. What are you doing here?
It's not laundry day.
I am not your bestie.
And neither am I.
Wait a minute.
Why are you fools tripping?
You think you're better than me?
We both figured out you've been using
the "best friend" excuse not to pay us.
Listen. I'm sorry, guys.
My business isn't doing well,
and I didn't have the guts to tell you.
But things are starting to turn around.
I got a new investor, and I can start
paying you guys starting tomorrow.
I'm here! [GIGGLES]
So our salary will be coming from you?
Uh, how do you like your shirts ironed?
What sounds make you perk up?
You seem like a champagne woman to me.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [GASPS]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
- [WATCH BEEPS]
- Oh, sorry, guys. I need the office.
I'm interviewing a brilliant
young man who's looking
for a job that will pay his way
through grad school.
- Hi, Mr. Lopez.
- Hi.
My name is Oscar Rivera.
I am here about
your employment opportunity.
He smells like toothpaste. Hire him.
- Good luck.
- That's a cute kid.
If she ever needs a math tutor,
I just won the Fibonacci Award
at Arithmalympics.
Have a seat. All right. Interview time.
First question:
are you an undercover cop?
Oh, no. Not me, sir.
Second question: do you know Mari?
- Mari-who?
- Marijuana.
I've never tried it before,
but I suppose once couldn't hurt.
Let's see if we can
knock that IQ down a few pegs.
- Toke it up, man.
- [EXHALES]
[CHUCKLES]
- When do I start?
- [LAUGHTER]