The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e14 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
Starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Eleanor
Donahue and Don Knotts.
Andy, ain't you ready yet?
That meeting's due to
start in about ten minutes.
I'll be ready in a little bit.
Well, you take
longer to get ready
than anybody I ever knew.
Well, you know how it is
when you're good-looking.
You know, Andy,
I can't understand
about this cannon business.
I just can't understand it.
Oh, Barney, you
can't fight progress.
Why do they want
to get rid of something
that's become a
landmark in Mayberry?
Oh, that old cannon's
getting to be an eyesore.
It's all rusty and
chipping away.
I know, but I'm used
to seeing it there.
I got a good mind
to vote to keep it.
Fine. You vote any
way you want to.
That's what the meeting's for.
So everybody can decide on what
they want to do with it.
Well, that's what
I'm going to do.
I'm going to vote to keep it.
All right.
Yes. Going to vote to keep it.
You don't like change, do you?
As a matter of fact, I don't.
Little bit conservative
there, are you?
Well, what's the
matter with that?
Oh, nothing. I just noticed that
you like for things
to stay the same.
Well, lots of
people are like that.
I just happen to be one of them.
That's all.
I like things to just
stay the way they are,
and if something
happens to change it
well, it-it upsets me.
It does? Yes, it does.
You know when they
put that stamp machine
in the post office?
That just frosted me.
That bothered you, did it?
Yes, it did.
I don't think it's right for the
United States government
to be transacting business
through a slot machine.
I sat down and wrote a letter
to the Postmaster
General about it.
Oh, you did? Yes, I did.
I didn't mail it, though.
Why didn't you mail it?
I wouldn't buy a stamp
from that machine.
( chuckling)
Barney, I'll tell you the truth.
You are a bird in this world.
Well, that may
be, but I'll tell you
how I'm going to
vote on that cannon.
How?
I'm going to vote to keep it.
You just do that.
I don't know how
you're going to vote,
but I know how I'm going
to vote. Yeah, mm-hmm.
Hi, Paw.
Oh, hi, son.
Can I leave my
school books here?
I'm going over to
Jerry Parker's house
and I'll be skating back.
Well, wait, wait, wait, now.
How you going to be skating back
when you don't have any skates?
Well, I'm gonna get 'em.
Jerry and me are making a trade.
His roller skates
for my licorice seeds.
Your what?
His licorice seeds.
What are licorice seeds?
And where'd you get 'em?
On another trade
with Tommy Farrell.
I gave him my cap pistol.
Your new one?
It would have been worth it
to grow my own licorice sticks.
You were gonna
grow licorice sticks?
Yeah, but it was a fake.
I planted 'em, and
nothing came up.
You know, Paw, I think
Tommy cheated me.
( chuckles)
Yeah, I'd say that
sums it up pretty good.
And so now, you're
gonna pawn 'em off
on the next fellow?
And on a better trade, too.
Roller skates are twice
as good as a cap pistol.
Uh, let me, let me tell
you something here.
Uh, you know that
you've been taught
the Golden Rule
Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you?
Yes, Paw.
You think you've been
following that rule?
Sure. Tommy did it unto me,
and now I'm doing it unto Jerry.
Uh, I-I believe you're
bending that rule just a little bit.
Now, the Golden Rule says
that you're supposed to be
honest and square dealing
with other folks.
Now, telling your friend
that them seeds is
gonna grow licorice sticks
well, that's kind of far away
from what you'd
call square dealing,
and it's awful close to
what you'd call cheating.
I didn't tell him that they
grow licorice sticks, Paw.
I just didn't tell
him they wouldn't.
Well, I got cheated.
Well, now, that still
don't make it right,
and I know that you
wouldn't feel good
cheating your friend.
Now, I-I'll tell you what to do.
Now, you just keep
them licorice seeds
and forget this whole trade
until you got
something worthwhile
to dicker with, all right?
All right. Now just
always remember
honesty is the best policy.
You just listen
to your Paw, son.
You'll never go wrong on that.
All right, we'll see you, Opie.
If honesty is such
a good policy,
how come I'm out a cap pistol?
( shouting)
Wait a minute!
Barney, will you wait a minute?
You don't have the
floor. Sheriff Taylor does.
I don't want the
floor. I just thought
you'd like to know how I'm
gonna vote on the cannon question.
We're not gonna have any voting
till we finish with
the discussion.
Now, is that clear? Yes, sir.
Well, go on then, Andy.
As soon as we do vote, though,
you wanna know how I'm gonna vote?
No! Now, go ahead, Andy.
Wanna know how I'm gonna vote?
Barney!
( whispers): I'm gonna
vote to keep it. Shh.
Well, she just wanted to
know how I was gonna vote.
Miss Walker!
I didn't
Barney!
Shh.
Well, all I was
tryin' to say is that
the cannon never was
in such good shape,
and you remember
after last Fourth of July
it certainly didn't
get any better
when we busted the
muzzle, trying to fire it.
I remember that very well!
Okay, let's get on with the voting.
We're not ready for the voting.
We haven't had any discussion
on the plaque yet. What plaque?
Oh, the plaque that
would replace our cannon.
Yes, one of our
former citizens
Mr. Milford Philips
Has generously
offered to donate it to us.
Milford Philips?
Yes.
He still has fond memory
for his boyhood days
here in this splendid community.
Well, I guess we've had
about enough discussion.
Yeah, let's get
on with the voting.
Now then, all those in favor
of getting rid of the cannon
raise their hands.
Motion carried.
Wait just a second.
You didn't ask
for those against.
Barney, the majority rules.
I don't care.
He's supposed to get a
count on those against.
All right, all right.
Now, all those against
it, raise their hand.
Well, why don't
you raise your hand?
Think I wanna go on
record as a troublemaker?
The motion was
carried unanimously.
Meeting adjourned.
Wait a minute, Mayor.
Well, what for?
We didn't decide
what to do with the cannon.
Well, that's so.
We gotta make some decision.
Well, you might
Why not donate it
to the state museum?
Yeah, state museum.
That's a good idea.
That sad-lookin' thing
in the state museum?
No, state museum, no good.
Bad idea.
You were all anxious to
get rid of it, weren't you?
Now you don't know
what to do with it, do you?
Simple you just
Sell it.
That's a good idea.
ANDY: I suppose we
could sell it at auction.
Andy, I appoint you and Barney
as a committee of
two to sell the cannon.
But, Mayor
Meeting's adjourned.
( all talking at once)
Barney, that was
wonderful, wonderful.
Glad you voted my way, Barney.
Well, bucket mouth
you know anybody who
wants to buy a cannon?
( fife and drum playing march)
( military band playing "When
Johnny Comes Marching Home")
( military band
playing bright march)
( muttering)
( grunts)
( grunts)
Whoop! That's good
enough, right there.
Well, we didn't have much
luck trying to sell it, did we?
Might as well just forget it.
Oh, Andy, somebody's
bound to come along.
There must be someone
who'd like to own
this fine-looking
piece of artillery.
We'll find a good place for it.
Don't say forget it.
Uh Barney?
Yeah?
You know, I believe
I know somebody
that would be tickled to
death to buy this cannon.
You do? Yeah?
For sure? Yeah.
Here? Yeah.
Who? You.
Me? Yeah.
Forget it. Now, Barney
Oh, Andy, you trying
to sell me this cannon?
What would I do with a
cannon, for heaven's sakes?
Well, you seem to love it.
Love it?
Oh, no.
I mean, well, I I like it.
But I well, I don't love it.
Well, Barney, wouldn't
you like to own this cannon
and keep it right in
front of your house?
In front of my
house? That's right.
And that way your place would
get to be a kind of a landmark.
Sort of a tourist
spot. That's it.
And folks would come
from all over and just stand
in my front yard and
stare at my cannon.
That's right. And
young'uns would play on it.
Yeah, what do you say,
Barney, what do you say?
Forget it.
Barney
You got a lot of nerve,
trying to sell me a cannon.
What kind of a dumbbell
do you think I am?
You beat everything,
you know that?
Well, golly, Barney,
I was just doing what
the Mayor asked us to do.
I didn't think there'd
be any harm in asking.
You like the cannon,
and well, shucks,
I mean, I didn't think there'd
be any harm in asking.
Well, I-I'm sorry, Andy.
I didn't mean to get riled.
I know you was just doing
what you thought was right.
Well, of course there's
no harm in asking.
And I'm not mad
buddy.
No? No.
Want to buy a cannon?
Forget it!
There you go.
( register rings)
Oh.
Hello.
No luck?
Nary a nibble. I don't believe
there's a very brisk market
for cannons this year.
Oh, that's too bad.
I do have Barney
following up one last lead.
Might amount to something.
I sure could use a cool drink.
Okay. I'll tell you the truth
Cannon-selling
parches a body's throat.
I don't know how many
miles we went today,
but I tell you the truth,
I sure am wore out.
Hi, Paw.
Well, hi, Op.
Hi, Miss Ellie.
Can I have some, too?
Oh, I guess so.
Miss Ellie, one more straw.
All right.
How was school today, Opie?
( mumbling and slurping)
I'll accept that.
BARNEY: Oh, there you are, Andy.
Oh, hi, Barney.
I got an offer
from Charlie Ross.
Charlie Ross, the junk dealer?
That's the only
prospect we had left.
All right, what's his offer?
He'll take it off
your hands for $15.
$15? That's not very much.
Andy
I know. What else we got?
All right, go collect
the 15 from Charlie,
and tell him he bought
hisself a cannon.
Well, Andy, we
don't collect the $15.
We pay it.
We pay it?
That's the best offer
I can get out of him.
We pay him $15,
and he'll haul it away.
May I help you, sir?
Yes, I'd like a tin of
pipe tobacco, please.
Fine. Um, how's this?
That's fine.
Say, that's interesting.
Something I
haven't seen in ages.
Soap?
No.
That old copper wash boiler.
Uh, how much do I owe you?
That'll be 25 cents.
Thank you. All
right, here you are.
Is this for sale?
Do you want to buy it?
Yes. I'm an antique dealer.
I'll give you $5 for it.
ELLIE: $5?
Well, Mr., Uh
Mason. Ralph Mason.
Mr. Mason, if you
really want to buy it
I guess you can have it.
I don't have much use for it.
Fine. Fine.
Here you are. Thank you.
Uh, Mr., Uh Mason, was it?
Uh, yes, Mason.
Mr. Mason, I'm Andy Taylor. Yes?
I'm the sheriff in these parts.
Well, how do you do, Andy?
How do you do?
This is Barney Fife.
How do you do, Barney?
I'm the deputy. Oh, the deputy.
That's right.
Uh, Mr. Mason
as long as you're
on a shopping spree,
I believe we've got something
you wouldn't want to pass up.
Oh, really?
What is it?
Well, I
I don't know.
It's-it's very interesting,
but I'm not sure I
can find a buyer for it.
Well, now, wait a
minute, Mr. Mason.
You're interested in
historical treasures,
ain't you?
Historical treasures?
Oh, yes, sir.
Like firing the first shot at
Fort Sumter and like that.
Really?
( chuckling)
Well, I I don't know.
Oh, there's history written
all over this old cannon,
Mr. Mason.
You see that crack right there?
MASON: Yes.
You are interested
in historical cannons,
ain't you? Oh, yes, yes, indeed.
Good, good, well, that crack
right there come from a direct hit
whilst Teddy Roosevelt was
a-draggin' her up San Juan Hill.
Really?
What are you making faces for?
We have to sell that cannon.
What are you trying
to do, spoil this?
Well, what are you
trying to tell him?
You know that cannon
was never at San Juan Hill.
Well, how do you
know? Were you there?
No! You want to buy this cannon?
No. Well, stop making faces.
Well, I-I just don't
know. I'm not sure.
Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Mason.
Teddy Roosevelt
had a lot of cannons,
but this is his
very favorite one.
When he yelled "Charge,"
this is what he charged with.
But I thought Teddy
Roosevelt led a cavalry unit.
How's that?
Well, I understood when
he charged up San Juan Hill,
he charged up on horseback.
Oh, well, now, that's right.
That's right, he did he
did charge on horseback,
dragging this cannon behind him.
MASON: Oh?
You see the
initials right there?
Oh, yeah.
See that "TR"?
Yes. Teddy Roosevelt.
Will you stop that?
Teddy Roosevelt?
You know Tracy Rupert
scratched that on
there with a nail.
Well, so what?
Well, you're telling him a lie.
You want to buy this cannon?
No! Well, shut up!
Sheriff?
Yes?
Paw, I never heard
Oh, you never heard
because you been
too busy talking.
I've been quiet.
Well, you been looking noisy.
But, Paw, I still never heard
Go find the barrel ring, and
tell Barney to put it away.
What barrel ring? Never mind.
Just find one,
find one, find one.
Now then, uh, Mr. Mason,
shall we set down
and do a little
serious dickering
about this fine,
old, historic piece?
Him and his Golden Rule.
I ain't been able to
stop thinking about it.
I was so mad, I didn't even
put away the barrel ring.
What barrel ring?
Oh, the one Opie brought in.
I did it!
I did it!
And hold on to
yourselves when I tell you
how much I got for that cannon,
'cause you're going to jump
clear out of your skins.
I got $175!
Your skins ain't a-ripping.
Maybe you don't
believe your ears.
I got $175
for the cannon!
I'm just not making contact.
Barney told me how you did it.
Oh, well, maybe I
did stretch the truth
a little bit, but
what's the harm?
Well, it's not like Mr. Mason's
going to be out anything.
He's a antique dealer,
and he'll just sell
it to somebody else
and wind up making even more.
Well, this is a fine howdy-do.
All I did was a
little horse trading,
and instead of the
town being out $15
to get rid of the cannon
we come out $175 to the good.
You'd think I'd just committed
a bank robbery.
( slurping)
If that don't beat anything
I ever saw in my life.
Where are you going?
In there to get a cone.
Well, get your cone
someplace else.
No son of mine is going
to patronize a place
Where'd you get
them roller skates?
Same place I got the money
for the cone
From Jerry Parker.
Opie Taylor, do
you mean to tell me
that after all the talking I
did about the Golden Rule,
you went ahead and traded
them licorice seeds, anyhow?
Oh, no, Paw.
Well, that's good.
I traded him that cufflink that
you gave me the other day.
That old broken cufflink
that was on my dresser?
Yes, sir.
And Jerry Parker give you
a good pair of skates
and enough money
for a cone for that? Yes, sir.
Well, how do you figure
you was able to make
such a good trade?
Well, maybe 'cause
he got the idea
that it was really a button
off the uniform of General
George Washington.
That was the idea that he had.
Now, you take them skates off
as fast as you know
how. Why, Paw?
Because you're
returning them, that's why.
But, Paw And the
money for the cone.
Now, come on, get 'em off.
What's the matter, Paw?
The matter is that I got a idea
about the idea Jerry got
about that cufflink
being a button
off of General
Washington's uniform.
And the idea I got
is that it's just
barely possible
that the idea Jerry got
could have come from you.
How about it?
Well
Now, come on, tell me the truth.
I don't want you lying to me,
on top of everything else.
Okay. It's barely possible.
Do you know what you've done?
You've just broken
the Golden Rule
and thrown it right out
the window and cheated.
Oh, no, Paw, I
didn't cheat at all.
Well, what do you call it then?
Why, being smart, just like you.
What?
Sure. When I saw
how you dickered
with that fellow for the cannon,
I knew how important it is
to make up a good story
to go with whatever
it is you're trading.
So I made up the story
about George Washington.
Ain't that being smart, Paw?
Well, no, that's
not being smart.
That's just lying,
lying and cheating.
But didn't you do the
same with that fellow, Paw?
Well, well, well, no!
No?
No!
What I did was to
build up the product
so it'd be easier
for me to sell.
That's what I did.
Well, well, no, now.
Now, what-what I
did is what we call
a little innocent horse trading.
I know. That's what I did.
Well, now, no.
You see, it's
different with you.
With-with grown
folks, why-why, we
( stammers)
You know what I think, Paw?
What?
I think we both broke
the Golden Rule.
I think you're right, Opie.
Now, I'll tell you what:
You take them
skates back to Jerry,
and I got a little fence mending
to do of my own, all right?
All right.
All right.
Another root beer float.
Barney, don't you think
you've had enough?
Ellie, you let me
worry about that.
But, Barney, four
inside of 15 minutes.
Putting all that ice cream
and soda in your stomach.
Ellie, if you
won't sell it to me
I'll just buy it
somewheres else.
All right.
You know, I just can't believe
that Andy would do such a thing.
I looked up to that man.
Well, there's one thing, Barney.
He isn't doing this
for personal profit.
He's doing it for
the good of the town.
Well, that don't make it right.
Oh, Deputy.
I've been looking all
over for Sheriff Taylor.
You can save me the trouble.
Here's my certified check
in payment for the cannon.
Well, uh, Mr. Mason
you made your deal
with Sheriff Taylor,
and you let him do
his own collecting.
Well, it really doesn't
matter who accepts it.
It's made out to "The
Town of Mayberry."
ANDY: Oh, Mr. Mason.
Oh, there you are, Sheriff.
I been looking for you.
Well, no need to worry.
I've got that certified check
for you, just as I promised.
Well, you better just keep that.
I'm afraid that's
money we can't take.
Why? We made a deal.
Well, I know we did,
but the deal we
made is based on lies.
Oh? Yeah. Everything I told you
about Teddy Roosevelt
and San Juan Hill
and all like that,
well, I made that up.
And I have to be
honest with you.
Well, I appreciate that,
and I have to be
honest with you, too.
I think I can sell it.
That rusty old eyesore?
That old cannon
ain't worth $175.
All right. I'll give you 150.
Will that ease your mind?
For a cannon that ain't
even been in a war?
Okay, let's make it a hundred.
No. You don't
understand, Mr. Mason.
I just can't cheat you.
Well, how about 75?
No. 65?
No. 50?
No. 40?
30. Done.
There you are, $30.
I'll have it moved
within a week.
Oh, that's right. I forgot
about you having to move it.
That'll cost you at least $10.
I'll just give you $10
back, and that'll make it
$20 fair and square
all the way around.
Sheriff, I just want to say
this is the darndest
business deal I was ever in.
Come back to see us.
Thank you.
So long.
We'll see you. Yeah.
Oh, Andy, you did the right
thing, and I'm proud of you.
How was that for horse trading?
When I set out to lose, I
really do a good job of it, don't I?
Andy
Huh?
Well
( shudders)
I ought never to drink.
Oh, Andy?
Oh, hi. Well, you
certainly do look
like a person with
something on their mind.
Oh, I am. I just got this
wire from Mr. Milfred Phillips.
Oh, good, I hope that plaque
he's giving the
town is on its way.
Yeah, that cannon
sure left a bare spot.
Well, maybe you
better read this, Andy.
Okay.
"Mayberry Town Council.
"Have reconsidered
giving plaque.
"Have found
something much better
"and more fitting for a town.
"Am sending you
genuine Civil War cannon
"with cracked iron muzzle
from actual combat
at San Juan Hill"?!