AfterMASH (1983) s01e15 Episode Script

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© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
Dear Radar, I was thrilled and delighted
to receive your letter of four months ago.
I've been lying awake thinking about when I
could find a spare minute to write you back.
And since I was, I thought I should.
And so I am.
Radar, hold on to your head.
This is going to blow your socks off.
I got news so new, it hasn't even happened
yet.
I'm going to have a kid.
Who'd have thunk it?
A guy who had to shave his back and put on
a bra to go to work could be somebody's father.
Father.
My hand can hardly believe I just wrote
that word.
It's a first for me, a first for Soon-Lee, not to
mention a very big deal for little Khalil Klinger.
Khalil?
What kind of bozo name is Khalil?
Khalil's a beautiful name, rolls off the
tongue.
And dribbles on your shoes.
It's a man's name.
Sometimes a girl gets born by mistake.
Then I kinda like Trixie.
It's got a certain elegance.
If it's a girl, it should be Moon.
Very pretty, honey, but no
daughter of mine's gonna be named
after something you hang in
the back window of a Buick.
Ah, what's in a name?
What's important is we love Khalil and
give him the best of everything.
I agree.
Nothing but the best for little Moon.
He's getting the works.
The best clothes, the best schools,
braces, whether he needs them or not.
To start off, we'll paint his room blue.
I like it.
What room?
You're right.
You and I don't even have a room.
He'd have to leave home to get one.
Holy Toledo, it just hit me.
What?
We're having a baby.
I know.
But we're poor.
I know.
I must be crazy.
I ain't got two cents to rub together and
here I am expanding my business.
We can't have a kid.
What was I thinking about that night?
I told you, I wanted to listen to Amos and
Andy.
Soon-Lee went a little nuts, but I had a
steady hand on the rudder.
Our desperate financial situation called
for the swiftness, resourcefulness,
and cunningness for which I am a legend in
my own mind.
Well, top of the morning.
My name is Max Klinger, beef broker for
Big Mel's Meats, Inc.
Klinger.
Just a minute, sir.
Big Mel says, so long to high prices.
You could be getting your meat for as
little as three cents a pound.
How?
How?
By buying beef in bulk, buddy.
Through the miracle of freezing,
we can now offer you your very own entire
cow, divvied up into the finest selection
of cuts.
No assembly required.
Klinger, you nailed it, your chair.
Give me a sec, sir.
Um, eating is believing.
Big Mel would like to send you a free
demonstration steak.
If you're not completely satisfied, just
return the T-bone portion of the T-bone.
No salesman will call.
Now, do we have a deal?
What do you mean you don't eat meat?
What are you, a communist?
I thought I detected an accent.
Klinger!
Yes, sir?
I had the misfortune of stepping on Mrs.
Potter's partial.
No, it was not in her mouth at the time.
Could you pop down to the canteen and pick
up a little peace offering?
A box of soft chocolates might bring a
crooked smile to her face.
It's great to see the colonel back home
with Mrs. Potter.
Mrs. Colonel, she's just like he always
described her, except totally different.
She really has her own way of doing
things.
You hear that thumping sound, mother?
Yes, it's awful.
We should put in a radio.
I hope it's not the transmission.
Sounds like it's coming from the back.
You joints, muffler.
I better pull over.
The noise stopped.
It stopped.
We're getting someplace.
I hope it's not the axle.
Well, I don't see anything.
It's coming from the trunk.
What the blazes?
Oh, darn, we're going to have to take all
these potatoes out to get to the noise.
Mildred.
Mildred, the potatoes are the noise.
What are they doing in there?
Well, there was a potato sale,
and I didn't have any room in the larder.
Right, we need a radio.
Don't you know?
Over in Korea, if someone got in the colonel's
way, he'd just grab them and give them a good shake.
But here, they're a little more slipperier.
Don't be shy with that wild root, Gilbert.
Gotcha.
Don't I get a thank you, Sherm?
Here I go out and get you the kind of surgeon
you've been wanting, and what do I get for it?
Complaints instead of kudos.
As Chief of Staff, it seems to me I should have
something to say about who gets hired around here.
Well, except for the cases where you
don't, you do.
And in this one, I don't.
I had to spring into action.
Being administrator, I have to make snap
decisions sometimes.
Keep the widow's peak this week.
Right.
Sherm, this guy was just too good to let
get away.
Yes, I can see that.
This Dr. Boyer's been kicked out of three
hospitals since he came back from Korea.
His ex-supervisors have some interesting
things to say about him.
Glowing testimonials like malcontent, head
case, and my favorite, huge pain in the butt.
Means nothing.
People have said the same kinds of things
about me.
Right in this very chair.
That's about it for this bottle,
Mr. D'Angelo.
Can you see your face in my hair?
I can count my fillings.
Then I'm properly groomed.
I tell you, Sherm, this young man just
needs a chance.
Can we really turn him away?
What kind of a deal did you make?
Nothing like that at all.
Just doing someone up the ladder a big
favor.
That means he now owes me one,
which is like money in the bank,
which helps all of us.
Long as it wasn't a deal.
Sherm, you know me better than that.
So I got to work with a man no one can
work with.
Which says something about the immense
amount of respect I have for you, doesn't it?
Mike, you owe me one.
Dr. Boyer?
You're late.
You're in my office without being invited.
If you were here on time, you could have
invited me in.
Doctor, I'm not one to judge a man
strictly by his paperwork.
But just about every word on your record
has nothing but four letters in it.
Like to explain?
They've really ruined the Plymouth,
haven't they?
I don't know who you think you are,
but I know who I am, your boss.
My first order is, you turn around and
face me.
Better.
No blemishes on your surgical performance.
Dead men tell no tales.
And you did some cutting in Korea.
That means something to me.
Means something to me, too.
How's the leg?
Getting better all the time.
In fact, it only hurts when I'm questioned
at length.
Battalion aid surgeon, plenty tough duty.
I'm familiar with that territory.
I ran the MASH 4077.
Oh, MASH, the suburb.
That's where we went for R&R.
I did envy you fellas, though,
safe and cozy.
When we asked for a scalpel
by the light of the silvery
tracers, we were lucky if we
didn't get it from a North Korean.
I'm not a fan of violin music.
I know the score, Doc.
Tokyo got the cream, you guys went to MASH's,
and us butchers got sent out to battalion aid.
I'm ruining your neighborhood, right?
Look, mister, you've been through hell,
and for that you have my sympathy,
but otherwise, tough.
We made it back, which for my money is all
that's important.
Regardless of what you may think,
when you walked into this office,
it was with a clean slate, which you can
now kiss goodbye.
But you're here, that tells me you want to
work, except you do it my way or no way.
Now get out of here, get to it,
and welcome aboard.
No, sir, you can't pick out your own cow.
They're already in sections when we get
them.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you'll be back.
The American dream.
It can keep you up all night.
I'll tell you, Radar, the real
satisfaction here is working with the vets.
And when I say work, I mean work.
Boy, the kind of shape some of these guys
start out in.
But when you see them not giving up on
themselves, you learn not to give up on anything.
Come on, Hobson.
We gotta make St. Louis by lunch.
Can't do it.
You have to.
Doctor's orders.
Come on.
Rhonda Fleming's at the finish line.
Rhonda Fleming?
Hang on.
Keep going.
If I can do it, you can.
This place is a challenge to everyone,
especially Father Mulcahy.
He's really had to spread his wings around
here.
The most important thing to me while James is
in the hospital is that he has the church with him.
And it's an ire at his constant disposal.
I promise you.
Of course, of course.
I understand perfectly.
Excuse me.
Mary, what are you doing with that fish
stick?
Father and I were just talking, Fred.
He can rave about the Pope all he wants,
but not to my kid.
Reverend Horn here will give the good word
to Jimmy, Baptist style.
Fred, you know how I feel about that.
No, no, no.
We're all here to comfort Jimmy, and
there's more than enough God to go around.
We've counseled mixed families before.
Our two faiths have more in common than
you might be aware of.
Never give up, do you?
Going around behind my back, speaking
fanatic.
You people are all crazy, burning candles
and eating wafers.
Yes, you Baptists make a lot of sense, screaming
and dunking each other every week in that tank.
No, no, Mrs. Peterson, that dunking is
their way of baptizing.
It's ridiculous.
Mrs. Peterson, let's be fair-minded.
Fair-minded?
The Catholic way is the right way.
Right, Father?
Well, for us, of course.
Father, you're wrong.
The Baptist church is the word of God.
Right, Reverend?
Oh, you don't see me arguing, do you?
Father, he's talking sacrilege, blasphemy.
Well, I don't think the Reverend really
meant it the way it sounded.
No, Francis, actually I did mean it the
way it sounded.
That's why I said it the way I said it.
We Baptists are known for not beating
around the bush.
That's right.
Well, they're certainly not known for
their diplomacy.
Boy, you can say that again.
This just isn't worth being upset over.
You know, Francis, if I might say,
with all due respect, one of the problems
with you Catholics is you really do think
you're kind of above it all.
Sure do.
You know, Ed, and with all the same due
respect, we're trying to work together,
and you make a lot of remarks like that,
which are most counterproductive.
That's right.
In fact, all of them.
That's telling him, Father.
Thank you.
He deserved it.
Yeah.
Make me.
You Catholics, all the crusaders.
It's always jumping here at General General,
just like MASH, but the pace is different.
No more patch him and dispatch him.
Here, the docs get a chance to know the
patients, develop a little bedside manner.
Bill, have you given any thought to what
we talked about yesterday?
That's all I've been thinking about.
You doctors are so ready to cut a guy up.
Look, no one wants an operation,
especially those who need them.
But in your case, it's the only way to go.
Let me explain the procedure step by step.
When I get done, you're going to
recommend.
This is your friend's.
Don't waste your time, doc.
No operation.
Nothing you say is going to convince me.
How about this?
Without it, you're a dead man.
What?
Who are you?
Dr. Boyer, staff surgeon.
Mr. Fields, you've probably got a tumor in
your liver.
Or maybe it's a basketball.
In any case, I'm free tomorrow morning to
anyone interested in living.
I'll be in OR at 8 O'clock.
If you've got any brains, you'll be there,
too.
Considering your apprehension, I'll
allow an extra five minutes, but at 8.
06, I'm gone.
Is he right?
Is he right?
You didn't tell me that.
What's going on?
I'll be back.
Dr. Blair, what the hell are you All right.
You know we can make a good team.
You talk and I'll cut.
Look, Fields is my patient.
I know him.
I understand him.
The man is in a fragile emotional state.
Terrified.
If you'll forgive me, God knows what irreparable
damage your, quote, diagnosis has done to him.
What time, Doc?
8 O'clock?
I'll be there.
Nurse Coleman for 2C.
Nurse Coleman.
For 2C.
Now, who else we got?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Mel.
What do you mean you're going out of the
meat business?
Auto upholstery?
Yeah, I guess you had to do something with
the hides.
Do I get the commission on what I already
sold?
Thank goodness.
Of course, I sold one order, but it was a
big one.
I want to see the butcher.
Gotta go, Mel.
What's the big idea of selling Mildred 500 pounds
of frozen She said that's all her car could hold.
Well, cancel the order.
The missus and I'll have the gout till the
year 2000.
I can't cancel it, sir.
There's no more company which to cancel it
to.
Son, you took advantage of my wife's good
nature.
That woman's never said no to anyone,
except me.
You're right, sir.
I'll work it out.
It's a sorry man that takes advantage of
friends.
Good boy.
You know, when I was riding
in your car the other day, I
couldn't help noticing your
upholstery was a little frayed.
Don't you ever quit?
I can't, sir.
No kid of mine is going to be born with a
tin cup in his mouth.
All right, do what you've got to do,
but for corn's sake, son, be careful.
There are people around here, all of them
by the name of Alma Cox, who would just
love to catch you moonlighting in the
daytime.
You'd be out of both jobs.
The colonel was too nice about Alma Cox.
Talk about dead meat.
When we met, I offered my hand,
and she unscrewed each finger.
You know, Radar, I just can't figure out
what would make a person so mean so often.
Sir, these need your signature.
What am I looking at?
Sir, what am I looking at?
Your chief, Minnie Hanawa.
To you white eyes, that means big grizzly
and pinstripe.
Sir, I knew you were pow-wowing today at
the Sioux Civic Center, but I had no idea.
It was a beautiful ceremony, Alma.
Almost made it worth eating that dang
rubber chicken and maize.
I was awarded this tribal medicine stick
in honor of my many contributions to
Indian vets and my lack of
fork-tonguedness.
Sir, it's so big.
Okay, what do we got here?
I was awarded this tribal medicine stick
in honor of my many contributions to
Indian vets and my lack of
fork-tonguedness.
That'll do her.
Alma, what are you doing?
Nothing.
No, you were twirling.
I love twirling.
You do, sir?
Doesn't everybody?
Can you do some more?
I was a cheerleader.
In one of those little skirts and sweaters?
I can still get into the sweater.
Well, come on.
Show your big chief your routine.
All the way on one play.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Rumpa-pump.
Rumpa-pump.
Rumpa-pump-pump-pump-pump.
That's it.
That's it.
Rumpa-pump.
Rumpa-pump.
Rumpa-pump-pump-pump-pump.
Alma, Alma, you're fantastic.
Thank you, sir.
Darn, I wish I'd known you when you were
young.
The Lord works in mysterious ways,
Francis.
He certainly does, Ed.
Imagine involving us in a day-room brawl
in order to bring us closer together.
Thanks for that half-Nelson you put on the
Marines.
He was trying to plant his crutch up my
nose.
Well, we men of God have to stick
together.
Amen.
Care to split a frozen steak?
It's Friday.
I know.
Thank you.
Dr. Pfeiffer, third floor recovery.
Dr. Pfeiffer, third floor recovery.
Hey, don't cough in my food.
I was just wondering if you'd seen the
reserve for administrator only sign.
Don't tell me that's you.
And I'm sitting at your private table.
I'm sorry.
Here, join me.
Let me explain something to you,
young fella.
My name is Dr. Boyer.
I am not young fella.
Do I call you Jelly Belly?
Boyer.
Uh-huh.
Well, I don't know how it's
been at your other hospitals, but
here there's a chain of command,
and you're jerking my chain.
I'm gonna like you.
Come on, sit down.
Eat it while it's still food.
I will sit down when I'm done.
The only one sitting.
Mr. D'Angelo, can I call you Mike?
No.
Listen, Mike, passing through the line,
I saw some lemon meringue pie.
I figure after I finish this
pseudo-Salisbury steak, I'm gonna get
myself a piece of that, some coffee,
finish Walter Winchell.
In short, I got a good half hour here,
so you can either join me, move on,
or stand there like the biggest lawn
jockey in America.
What is this?
I'm the boss.
You're nothing but a doctor.
I give the orders here.
When I say jump, you say how high.
Why, son of a gun, Virginia Mayo had a
little girl.
We gotta get her something, Mike.
Dr. Baskin, extension 17.
Dr. Baskin, extension 17.
Let me give you some retraction,
Dr. Boyer.
Thanks.
Beautiful, the way you've exposed that
tumor.
Just beautiful.
Autographed pictures are available in the
lobby.
Can you tie off that bleeder, Colonel?
Right, 4-0 silk.
4-0 silk.
Okay, I'm gonna dissect around the tumor.
Uh-oh.
It's eroding right into the tumor.
It's eroding into the hepatic artery.
I'm losing a lot of blood here.
I need two to four units fast.
You better pack off the tumor and then try
to control the bleeding.
There's no time.
I have to go up toward the hylus and
isolate the right hepatic artery near its origin.
I've never seen that before.
Neither have I.
But we're sure gonna see it now.
You hold the pressure on that bleeding
area.
Got it.
Right angle vascular clamp.
Quicker would be better, nurse.
Yes, sir.
I think that's gonna do it.
Vascular silk.
Where the hell did you learn that?
I didn't.
You just made it up?
Seemed like the right thing to do at the
time.
Not too much off the sides, Gilbert.
With my ears, I look like a loving cup.
Okay, sir.
Sherman, I was told you were here.
And darned if I'm not.
You're gonna love this.
When you hear it, you are just gonna die.
I mean, die, die, die.
Okay, kill me.
Gilbert, that number two side burn is
getting away a little.
Mike, this is my haircut.
What is it?
Oh, this, Dr. Boyer, is history.
Out the door.
What?
He's what the shoemaker threw at his wife.
You can't fire a doctor.
I know I can.
Fact is, I never hired him.
I intercepted his processing end papers
and processed him out before he was ever in.
So he's out.
I've apprised him of same and won't repeat
his response in mixed company.
D'Angelo, you damn idiot.
That's what he said.
Mike, you can't fire him.
I can't?
I thought I already did.
The man's an instinctive surgeon,
an artist.
You just don't find a cutter like him
every day.
I want him.
A man like that would be a Jewel on our
staff.
But he called me Jelly Belly.
Well, call him something back.
What?
I don't know what.
I'm just telling you to swallow your pride
and take him back for the good of the hospital.
Now, you're a big enough man to do that,
aren't you?
I don't like him, Sherm.
He's not a fun guy.
Mike, this is the one you owe me.
Henderson, it's you.
Think so?
Well, maybe a little more forehead.
Radar, I finally found my niche.
Most of your tycoons had to go down a blind
alley or two before finding that crock of gold.
In my case, that crock is the custom
ambassador hairpiece, 1995, spirit gum included.
Perfect.
Well, hair is always nice.
Nice?
Hair is youth.
Hair is adventure.
Hair is the wish your head makes.
Caution, Big Mel's toupees, a subsidiary
of Big Mel's upholstery, assumes no
responsibility for any damage done to you
by hordes of berserk women.
Damn it.
Yeah, but do you really think it looks
natural?
Let's in on a secret, pal.
The ethnic executive.
Yeah, but see, that's the thing.
I could tell.
I've been looking all over for you, doctor.
Is this what you call a farewell
committee?
Where's the tar, the feathers?
Have I had no effect at all on you people?
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Nice knowing you, Colonel.
Seems like only yesterday we met.
I took it down a little bit, doc.
See what you think.
Let's take it for a test spin.
Yell if you got any problems.
What's scary about this is I've got
athlete's foot.
I'll write if I get work, Colonel.
You're not going anywhere.
I've been fired.
Chief of Staff always the last to know.
The Chief of Staff unfired you.
Oh?
Oh, I see.
One Korean vet reaching out.
Out to help another.
Thanks.
But no thanks.
I don't want to owe anybody anything.
Then just what the hell do you want?
There's some things I can't do anything
about.
But this is your last chance to make your
way as a staff surgeon at a veteran's hospital.
If you want it, you better speak up before
I hit that door.
Where are you going?
The cafeteria.
How about a cup of coffee?
You're buying.
Okay.
But I get to sit in the fat guy's chair.
We both will.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
There, old pal.
Before I sign off, let me tell you how
much me, Soon-Lee, and everybody are
looking forward to seeing you next week at
your big event.
We're all driving up in one car, and
we should be there about Walter.
Walter.
Huh?
Pay attention.
That's what this rehearsal's for.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Sandy.
Go ahead.
Say it.
We're at that part.
Say what?
I do.
Oh.
Oh, I forgot the words again.
I'm sorry.
I've got a week to memorize them.
Hi, Daddy.
When a bit of his past shows up,
Your son?
Walter Whitney gets cut out of society.
George Segal stars in Arm and Copy,
Wednesday.
Now stay tuned as Stephanie gets steamed
when her high school rival goes out of her
way to honeymoon at the inn on New Heart,
next.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.