Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e15 Episode Script

1
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- When I was growing up,
there weren't
a lot of guys
in the neighborhood
I could look up to.
Eh.
Until I met Jamil.
He was the perfect role model.
He lived a few blocks down.
And my whole childhood,
I could go
to the big homie for anything.
Jamil, how do I build this car?
- Put the front
and the back together,
and, bam, you got a car.
[engine revs]
- Jamil, how do
I make pancakes?
- Put the eggs
and the flour together,
and, bam, you got pancakes.
[ding]
- Jamil, how are babies made?
- Put the guy and
the girl together,
and, bam, you got a baby.
- Oh, yeah.
- And even after
joining the Army,
I still could count on him.
He protected my freedoms
abroad and at home.
I couldn't wait
to welcome Jamil back
from his latest tour of duty.
[laughter]
[grunts]
- Chris!
Sorry the party's so crowded.
- I get it.
You gotta make your fans happy.
- [laughs]
How about this?
Let's catch up tomorrow.
Hot dogs on me.
- For real?
- Yeah, man.
It'll be nice to have
real hot dogs again.
The ones the Army fed us
were called freedom wieners.
Ugh!
[upbeat music playing]
[crickets chirping]
- [sighs]
- Chris, we have
some bad news, baby.
- If you're splitting up,
I'll live
with whoever don't have Tonya.
[chuckles]
- Chris, your friend
Jamil got shot tonight.
- What?
- Some hoodlums
crashed his party,
and Jamil tried to
make them leave.
And, well, he's gone.
- Don't make no goddamn sense.
That was a good kid.
- But we were going
to get hot dogs.
[somber music]
♪
- [crying]
♪
- We're here to
pay our respects
to our fallen hero, Jamil.
That young man was as good
as a Christian as they come.
And if we're being honest,
we all can't
say that about ourselves.
Praise God.
- There's something
about facing death
that makes a pastor's words
go right into your head.
- Lord knows when I was Jamil's
age, I struggled with dope--
- The devil's medicine.
- dice--
- The devil's cubes.
- and angel food cake.
- Ah, Lord!
The devil's cake.
- I know that's right.
- But my hardest trial was
my lust for the ladies.
I just couldn't keep
my mind off of them.
Or my hands.
[laughter]
- Mm-hmm.
- It was only with God's
grace and the mercy
that I found salvation, the
same salvation Jamil has now.
He lived his life right,
which is what
we all going to have to do if
we want to meet up with him
again in heaven.
[ethereal music]
♪
But if you a sinner
like I was--
- [giggles]
- you'll end up in the
fiery pits of hell!
[echoing]
- [screaming]
[dramatic music]
♪
- Oh, man, the devil is down
with affirmative action.
This really is hell.
Oh, speak of the devil.
[choir vocalizing]
♪
- Ooh.
I'm telling Daddy
you're in hell.
- Ah! No, no!
I realized if I didn't make
an effort to live like Jamil,
I was on
a direct path to hell.
And I've always been more
of a cold weather person.
- That was
a beautiful homegoing.
I wouldn't mind a fancy
funeral like that when I die.
We got to hire Esther Rolle to
sit in the front row and yell,
damn, damn, damn!
- I want a hundred doves
released at mine.
But try to get
doves with a missing
foot or a wing for a discount.
- Baby, you can have all the
bird parts with that platinum
life insurance you got us.
- Mm. Uh-huh.
Life insurance. Yep.
- You did get it, right?
Like I asked you to?
Because if you didn't
and you died tomorrow,
the kids and I will
be left with nothing.
- Baby, I'm not going to die.
- Don't be so sure.
- I got it, Rochelle.
I'll show you the policy
when we get home.
- Man, life is short.
We don't have a lot of time
to make our mark on the world.
- Tell me about it.
If I died today, everyone
would remember me as Trina's
understudy in "The Wiz."
- She only got lead because
her mom's the drama teacher.
You gotta do
something about it.
Don't let Trina
take your shine.
- Drew, that's actually smart.
- Thanks.
Wait, that felt like an insult.
- Uh, it wasn't.
- Oh, good.
Well, now that Jamil's gone,
someone's gotta step up.
That can be my legacy,
helping people.
And I know just how to do it.
- I can't believe Jamil died.
- I know.
One second he's doing
the cabbage patch,
the next he's gone.
- [sighs] I'm so sorry, Chris.
- My heart hurt, but my
hormones didn't give a damn.
- You shouldn't be
looking down here.
I'll see you in hell, Chris.
- Wait.
You'll be in hell?
- You know what I mean.
- [gulps] Tasha, I want to
go to heaven like Jamil.
Do you think you could teach
me how to avoid God's burning
wrath of eternal damnation?
- I don't think I can
help anyone right now.
Maybe you should go
talk to Pastor Percy.
- Like, one on one?
I don't know.
I never done that before.
[chuckles]
- Hell!
- Well, where's the policy?
- Nowhere, which was a shame
because he'd need
life insurance
when my mom found out.
- Uh, it's here.
Here, life insurance,
life insurance, life insurance.
Here, life insurance, life
insurance, life insurance.
- It's me,
the Light-Skinned Panther,
here to help you
find the one thing
that keeps us from poverty
upon your premature death.
First, I'll look under
the bed, where you keep
"Blacktail" magazines, citizen.
- Boy, I'm going to--
- Just admit it, Julius.
You didn't get
the damn life insurance.
- I know, Rochelle.
I didn't get it.
- Aha!
We didn't find the insurance,
but we found the truth.
- You see?
That boy can't take
care of himself.
- I'm sorry.
I don't know how I forgot
to take care of something
so important.
- Oh, baby,
it ain't all on you.
I asked you to get it
right after Tonya was born,
and I knew you were
going to forget to get
it when I told you to get it.
So I meant to tell
myself to get it,
but then I forgot
to get it, too.
- They were suffering from
a clinical condition called
cute babies destroy lives.
- I'll call the
insurance company
and make an appointment, OK?
- I'll help you dial.
- Get out of here!
[tense music]
- Time for the understudy
to become the overstudy.
♪
Oh, hey, Trina.
Just admiring
your cool backpack.
- Oh, thank you.
♪
- My name is Dorothy,
and I'm trying
to get to the mall to buy
some goddamn leg warmers.
I heard there was
a sale on them bitches.
[all gasp]
- My word.
Trina swore, and she
changed the script?
Text is sacred.
- You gave Dorothy
so much more edge.
Bravo, Trina.
Mommy's inspired.
[applause]
[somber organ music]
- So you want to get
right with the Lord?
- Yes, Pastor.
I just really want to
go to heaven like Jamil.
- All you have to do is walk
the path of Jesus.
Be less Chris and more Christ.
Follow his example.
See, he turned the other cheek.
He wasn't afraid to get down
on one knee to serve others.
He avoided temptation.
You know what, take this.
- This is a lot to read.
Jesus didn't care
about trees, did he?
- Your afternoon
lemon soda, Pastor.
- Appreciate that,
Sister Johnson.
Chris, my door is always open.
I believe in you.
- Hey, Chris.
Let's lose our
virginities together.
- Uh--
[chuckles nervously]
Changing the
script didn't work,
so Tonya took it up
a notch and went Atlanta
housewife on her, NeNe style.
- Mommy, mo-mommy ♪
Mommy ♪
Ah!
- Oh, no.
Are you OK?
- I'm good.
I used my bubble skirt as a
parachute and floated down.
- Falling with grace.
- Impressive.
- That's why she's the lead.
- [groans]
[heavy metal music]
- 'Sup LL Fool J.?
- I present you with my other
cheek, my brother in Christ.
- Wait, you like God, too?
- I don't like him.
I love him.
- I love him.
God is so dope.
He'll be back.
- Yes, he will be back.
Hallelujah.
[percussion music]
[panting]
- You're late.
Give me 20 push-ups. Ah!
My feet are killing me.
What the hell are you doing?
- Getting down on
my knees to help,
like my Lord and savior would.
- All right,
all right, that's enough.
That's enough.
Let go.
Oh.
Well, that's nice.
I'm in heaven.
- And I will be, too.
- [grunts]
♪
- You look ridiculous,
and yet I forgive you.
- Aw.
Thanks, man.
- Your mama's cornbread
is dry as hell.
- At least I got
a mama who makes
real cornbread instead of
your muffin-mix-makin' mama.
- Lover's quarrel?
I'm here to mend
your loving bond.
- Boy, shut up!
- Aha!
You agree on something.
I did it again.
You're welcome.
Do you need help
with anything, citizen?
- [groans]
[soft music]
Yeah, but not from you.
I need to go see Pastor Percy.
- All right, just
a few more questions.
Do either of you
smoke cigarettes?
- Uh, will this answer affect
the cost of our insurance plan?
- Oh, most definitely.
- [groans]
Cigarettes?
Never heard of them.
- Good, good.
And have either of you ever
had lifestyle diseases?
Say, for example, gout?
- [groans]
Nope.
I hate eating delicious,
succulent organ meats.
- Excellent.
And just one last thing.
I assume I should just put down
"Afro-American" for your race.
- Oh. No.
We both just have
really good tans.
- Yes.
We're Caucasian.
This is just from getting
stuck in a tanning bed.
- High risk for skin cancer.
But your rates will still
be lower than if you
said you were Black.
OK.
My office will
crunch these numbers.
You'll get a quote soon.
Given your excellent
answers, I think
you'll be in our lowest tier.
- We did it, baby!
- [grunts]
OK.
We need to get that
life insurance ASAP.
[percussion music]
- Whatchu doin'?
- Oh, just putting
in my eye drops
so I could fake-cry on stage.
It's hard to cry when
your insides feel
like a gentle sunrise,
you know?
- That's nice.
[shudders]
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
It's just-- I was thinking
about going to a movie casting
call in Manhattan,
but I don't think I have,
uh, star potential.
- I have star potential.
I'm literally
the star of this musical.
- Here's the address.
My time to shine.
- Yes, lusting after
the ladies is difficult,
especially when the Lord
has bestoweth puberty
on you so very hard.
- Please, Pastor,
you've got to help me.
- Son, I see myself in you.
That's how I know
you can do this.
Every time I lusted,
I just shared the teachings
of the good book.
And before I knew it, I was
a pastor and talking like this.
- OK, I could do that
and a-talk like this-a.
- No. You gotta earn the voice.
♪
- Attention, everyone.
As Trina is so
carelessly absent
and clearly chose
something selfish
to do rather than commit
fully to this play,
it is my duty as understudy to
step into the role of Dorothy.
And I accept.
From the top.
- Quick, turn on
the TV, channel 9.
[dramatic music]
- Apparently, our hero was
on her way to an audition
when she saw R&B
music sensation
"El DeBurger" choking
on a kebab.
She bravely gave him
the Heimlich maneuver
and mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation for some reason,
saving his life.
- Rick, the best thing
about it is I got
a kiss and some free kebab.
- She got to kiss El DeBarge?
- I know we have
a never-miss-rehearsal rule,
but I'm going
to make an exception
because of Trina's heroism.
Tonya, you're back
to understudy.
And please make sure everyone
knows CPR, just in case.
- You can start with me.
[chuckles]
- [groans]
- Drew, you didn't
need to escort me home.
Or do it wearing
that stupid outfit.
My day's been bad
enough already.
- Who is this
Drew you speak of?
- Please walk
10 feet behind me.
- Whoa.
Ducky has pinkeye.
Careful, ma'am.
It's super contagious.
- Contagious?
Hmm.
I'll take that.
Thanks Light-Skinned Panther.
- For what?
I mean, of course, citizen.
- 10 feet, Drew.
[laughs]
- What are you doing?
- Giving Trina pinkeye so
I can star in the musical.
- Tonya, Tonya, Tonya.
I know of a certain
Jewish man who would
be very disappointed in you.
- Dad's optometrist,
Dr. Goldfarb?
- No. Jesus.
If you look deep
in your sinner's heart,
you'll see the path to heaven
is paved with good deeds,
not eye drops laced with fart.
Hell is hot, Sister Tonya.
Besides, everyone knows
El DeBarge is going to heaven.
- Hmm.
Ugh, fine.
- I was on a holy roll.
If I could save the devil
herself, I could save anybody.
- [crying]
- Tasha.
Are you OK?
- This whole Jamil
thing is making
me think about everything
I haven't experienced yet.
- Like what?
- I've been so
busy with church,
the only new songs
I've heard are hymns.
I haven't even seen
"Three Men and a Baby."
- Well, the title
pretty much tells you
everything you need to know.
- [giggles]
- Can I pray for you?
Lord, please help
my friend feel better.
Help this daughter
of Christ go back
to being the happy, caring
person she's always been.
[record scratch]
[romantic music]
- Life is short.
- Amen.
- I don't want to die before
experiencing everything.
- [gulps] Everything?
- Do you want to come inside?
My mom's out pickpocketing
in Times Square.
- Uh.
I need you fellas-a
to stand down.
- Man, I wish we lived
inside Wilt Chamberlain.
- Come on, Chris.
Let's go inside.
- I can't.
We have to wait.
- But--
- Tasha, no.
Sex is for the
sanctity of marriage.
I refuse to put my
hands on your flesh.
- Oh.
So this is what it
feels like to be you.
- I did it.
I abstained from
passions of the flesh.
I gotta go tell Pastor Percy.
[upbeat music]
♪
Excuse me, but is
the pastor here?
I have some good news to share.
- [coughs] I need water.
- [coughs]
[gasps]
- Ha!
Oh, Chris.
Uh, the thing about
Jesus is that--
[coughs]
God damn.
Uh, he also kept secrets.
So run on home and don't
tell nobody what you saw, OK?
- [coughs] I wish I
didn't see what I saw.
That night, as I was
thinking about all that
happened with my friend,
my pastor, and my crush,
I had a visitor.
- Hey, Chris.
- Jamil?
But-- but how are you--
do I have a contact high?
- Seems like you
needed me, so I snuck
out of heaven to come say hey.
- So there really is a heaven.
- Don't worry
about the afterlife.
You shouldn't spend your entire
life on Earth trying to prepare
for what comes next.
Just wake up every day and try
to be the best that you can be.
- I don't even know
what that means anymore.
I tried to stop lusting
after the ladies,
but then I saw Pastor Percy.
- I know.
I saw it too.
Gave me more PTSD than
those freedom wieners.
[shudders]
Look, just do what
feels right in your heart
and live every moment
to its fullest.
- But that would mean
hooking up with Tasha.
And I thought the Lord
frowned on premarital sex.
- He's not fond of it.
But he made you,
and he made big asses.
So he's pretty understanding
about your fixation with booty.
- Thanks, Jamil.
[slime squelching]
- Oop.
My bad.
I gotta remember to
stop sliming people.
- Oh, man.
[laughter]
[school bell ringing]
My Christian ass had actually
gotten through to Tonya,
so she tried to make
up for her sins.
- Hello, Trina.
Here's some flowers
for the star of the show.
- Aw.
You didn't need to do this.
[sniffs] Thank you.
I love them.
[bee buzzing]
[choking]
- Help!
Trina swallowed a bee!
- [gasping]
- Stay calm, baby.
We'll make sure you're OK.
Tonya, go get ready.
You're Dorothy.
- I feel rewarded
for doing the right thing.
[upbeat music]
- Get up, Julius.
- Ah!
- The quote from the insurance
company just arrived.
- Open it already.
- Oh, my God.
We're in the lowest
rate category.
- And it's still too expensive.
We can't afford it.
[groans]
- Well, I guess we have no
choice but to live forever.
- No, Rochelle.
We're both going to die.
- But how, baby?
We can't afford to.
[gasps] All this time you've
been hiding drug money?
Two jobs, my ass.
- This is a signed,
mint-condition
Willie Mays card.
We can sell it now to pay for
the insurance or after I die.
It should put food on the
table for you, Tonya, and Drew.
Chris is old enough
to buy his own food.
- You would really sell your
most prized possession for us?
- This thing ain't my
most prized possession.
My family is.
- Mmm.
- Goodbye, Willie.
I loved you like I
loved my own son, Drew.
And I guess Chris.
♪
- Hey, Chris.
I was just about to come
by your place to see you.
- You were?
- Yes.
I kept thinking about
what you said yesterday.
- Me, too.
- And I wanted to thank
you for being a gentleman
when I was in
such a dark place.
- My pleasure.
So it seems like you're
better now, so should we--
- Thank you for being
a role model, Chris.
You not giving in
to temptation inspired
me to re-embrace
my faith and not do
seriously freaky
things with you.
- No.
- Yeah, I was all ready to go
into my mom's stripper stuff.
But thanks to you, not anymore.
- Damn it.
[sighs]
I can't take this.
Somebody cue the
goddamn theme song!
- Everybody still
hates Chris, oh ♪
- Batman lost his parents.
Spider-Man lost Uncle Ben.
And Bed-Stuy lost Jamil.
From the ashes rises me,
Light-Skinned Panther,
ready to face whatever comes
as I fly into the night.
- Boy, if you jump off that
window, I'll smack you so hard,
your face and butt
will switch places.
And get rid
of that damn costume!
- Yeah, OK.
You're right.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
♪
- MTV ♪