My Three Sons (1960) s01e15 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
(phone ringing)
(dog barking, moans softly)
(barking continues)
Okay, Tramp. I hear it.
Just keep your pants on, will you?
I can hear the phone.
You'll wake the whole house up.
(ringing stops)
(barking continues, moans softly)
Sure, Flats, I want to help you out,
but I, I just don't want to leave my son-in-law
without a Shut up, Tramp.
(growling)
I know it's an emergency, Flats.
Tramp, let go!
Not you, no, not you, Flats.
I'll be over there. Don't worry now.
Let go, Tramp, will you?
Don't you worry, Flats.
I'll get over there tonight somehow.
Good-bye, Flats.
Flats Jensen is one of the best pals
I ever had in my life and I just don't feel
that I should leave him there alone.
Now, what I'm worried about
is who's gonna take care of
you and the boys while I'm gone.
Oh, don't worry, Bub.
We'll-we'll find somebody.
No problem. Come on, Steve,
you got to take me to the airport.
Okay. Okay, Bub.
Okay, first, first thing in the morning.
No, no, no.
Now, don't go back to sleep.
I've got to make the midnight plane.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Okay. Mm-hmm. Right.
Now, stay awake now. Yeah, yeah.
I got to go and pack.
Okay.
Mmm.
(sighs)
What's going on?
Oh, oh.
You're up, huh, Mike.
Good.
Good.
Yeah.
Do me a favor, hmm?
Here are the keys to the car.
Drive your granddad to the airport, hmm?
Sure.
Airport?
Yeah, slight emergency.
He'll tell you about it.
No problem.
Oh, good.
Drive carefully.
What's the deal? Oh, good.
Here's Dad's car keys.
Bub has to go to the airport.
Airport?
Slight emergency.
No problem.
Oh, good.
Is it still last night or is it this morning?
Oh, here, take Dad's keys to Bub.
He's got to take someone to the airport.
Slight emergency. No problem.
Hey, Chip, what are you doing up?
Here's the keys.
Dad wants someone to pick him up at the airport.
Pick him up at the airport?
Slight emergency.
No problem.
What's going on here?
STEVE: Peanut butter and jelly for breakfast.
Peanut butter and jelly for lunch.
Is that all you eat?
Peanut butter and jelly? No.
Wait, just hold this while I,
well, I'll, I'll bring it right back.
Sure, sure glad Dad didn't get
that crabby old Aunt Meg.
Well, look, Chip, somebody's got to take care of the house.
Besides, Bub may be gone
for ten days or more.
Well, we can forget about Mrs. Hodgekiss.
She's got jury duty.
Jury duty?
I wish she'd get a phone.
It'd save me some gas.
Well, we got to get somebody.
She said we might try Sylvia Horton.
Yeah, I forgot about her.
I'll give her a call. Need some help here?
No, I'm all through with this.
Why don't you get started with the dishes?
Now, come on, you fellows, eat up and, uh,
help Mike with the dishes, will you?
MIKE: No.
This oatmeal tastes kind of funny.
How could oatmeal taste funny?
It's just oatmeal.
One sandwich enough for you, Chip?
Sure, Dad.
Okay.
Well, you, you sure you put everything in?
What, in the oatmeal? Sure.
What's there to put in?
You put oatmeal and water and that's it.
The only thing he could have left out, he put in.
If you left that out, all you'd
have is a bowl of hot water.
That's right, Chip.
Well, let's see if we can get a hold
of Sylvia Horton.
Salt!
Salt?
Yeah!
Bub always puts salt in the water.
That's what I forgot.
Well, we'll get Sylvia Horton over here
and she can put salt in the water.
Quit making such a big production of it
and salt it yourself.
Hey, Robbie, how about a little coffee?
No, thanks, Dad.
I didn't mean for you, I meant for me.
Oh.
Hello.
Uh, could I speak to Sylvia Horton, please?
Oh.
Oh, well, Mrs. Horton, uh,
this is Steven Douglas and, uh,
we're in a kind of a jam over here again.
And I wondered if your daughter
could come over and help us out?
She did?
In June?
Well.
Well, I'm sorry that
No, no, I don't mean I'm sorry about that.
Yes, I'm sure she is.
Well, thank you for
Yes, I'm sure they will be, Mrs. Horton.
Yes. Well, thank you Yes.
Oh, that's, that's, that's very true, Mrs. Horton.
You haven't lost a daughter, no.
You gained a son.
Who'd want to marry Sylvia Horton?
Well, thank you.
Yes.
Yes. Thank you.
Well, th thank you, Mrs Yes.
Thank you, Mrs. Horton. Yes.
Phew.
She can't come.
Say, what about an employment agency?
Yeah, I guess that's what we'll have to do.
Holy froly, I didn't think it was that late.
I've got to shave and get dressed and get out of here.
Now, you take care of it, will you, Mike?
Yeah, what do you want me to do?
Well, just look up an agency
that specializes in domestics.
Tell 'em what we need. You know, uh,
somebody to, uh, well, you know.
What's a domestic?
What do you think?
How come you ask so many questions?
Didn't you when you were my age?
No.
(car horn honking)
Oh, my gosh.
I'll be right out!
Uh, Robbie,
give this domestic place a call, will you,
and tell them our problem.
If you get into trouble, Dad's upstairs.
Well, I'm in a hurry, too.
Go on. Do it.
It's not gonna kill you.
I did the dishes, didn't I?
Well, they don't look done to me.
Chip, call this domestic place for Dad,
will you? Why don't you?
Look, it won't hurt you to do something for a change.
What have you done?
I poured a cup of coffee for Dad, didn't I?
Well, okay.
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
When you get somebody on the line, yell for Dad.
(phone ringing)
Good morning.
Domestic Bliss Incorporated.
Hey, Dad,
the domestic place is on the phone.
Uh, Domestic Bliss Incorporated.
Good morning.
Hey, Dad, pick up the phone!
Mike was gonna take care of that.
Domestic Bliss. Hello?
Hey, Dad,
the domestic place is on the phone!
Okay, Chip, I'll get it.
He knows I'm late.
Hello?
Hello?
Bub had to go to Plainfield.
My dad has three kids and he needs someone to come in,
'cause we don't have a mother.
Hello.
Hello?
Hello. Hello.
Hello.
Hello. Hello.
Hi, Dad. Oh, hi, Chip.
No, I-I, I've got it, Chip.
May I have your name, sir?
Uh, Steven Douglas.
I live at 837 Mill Street and we
And you're looking for a lady to share your home with you
and your three children?
Uh, yes, we, we would like her to live in,
if that's what you mean.
Very well, Mr. Douglas.
We'll send an interviewer out late this afternoon.
An interviewer?
Well, is that necessary?
I, I was hoping to get a woman right away.
Patience, Mr. Douglas.
A mistake at this point could mean a lifetime of misery.
But don't worry.
I'm sure we'll find just the woman you're looking for.
Well, fine.
But, uh, the sooner the better.
Good-bye.
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
(buzzer)
Good afternoon, Domestic Aid Service.
No, ma'am. I'm sorry.
We don't have a cook, handy man, gardener.
But we do have a cook, chauffeur, gardener.
And a cook, handy man, chauffeur.
And oh,
here's an interesting combination.
A Hmm?
Oh, I'm sorry if I've confused you.
Yes, ma'am, I'll call you
if your combination should come up.
Good-bye.
If you want to see Mr. Henderson, he's out to lunch.
And Miss Franklin, too.
Oh, it must have been Miss Franklin I talked to.
Uh, but I'm sure you can take care of it.
I want to cancel an interview.
Oh, gee, I don't know anything about that.
I'm afraid I can't help you.
What's your name?
Steven Douglas.
Hmm.
You-you see, I was supposed to have this interview
late this afternoon.
And I happened to be in the neighborhood,
so I thought I could speed things up
a little by coming here
and giving you the information you want.
Oh, gee, I don't know.
What sort of work do you do?
Well, I'm an engineer.
No, you don't understand.
You see, I'm not looking for work.
I'm looking for somebody to work for me.
A housekeeper.
Oh, gee.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Oh.
Well, you see, my father-in-law had (buzzer)
To leave town suddenly Excuse me.
So we just have to have
Good afternoon, Domestic Aid Service.
I'm sorry, they're out to lunch.
My father-in-law had leave town (buzzer)
And we Good afternoon,
Domestic Aid Service.
I'm sorry, they're out to lunch.
What was your name again?
Steven Douglas.
And my father-in-law had to leave town and, uh,
(buzzer) we need somebody at the house A housekeeper.
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
(doorbell buzzing)
Hello.
Why, hello, there.
Are you the lady from the domestic place?
I'm Mrs. Barr.
Aren't you the little boy I talked to
on the phone this morning?
Yes, ma'am. You want to come in?
Why, thank you.
Excuse me, sir.
Is your daddy home?
No, ma'am. He's working.
Oh, I see.
You want some ice cream?
No, thanks.
Well, as long as I'm here,
maybe you could answer some questions.
It might hurry things along.
Okay.
I know Dad wants to get a woman as soon as he can.
Are you as anxious to have a lady in the house
as your father is?
Oh, sure, especially if she's a good cook.
(laughs)
How cute.
Now, I have to get an idea of what your house looks like.
How would you like to show me around
and I can ask you questions as we go?
Okay. The kitchen's out here.
Come on, Tramp.
(chuckles)
How old are you, dear?
And, uh, what are the ages of your brothers?
I'm eight.
And Robbie's going to high school pretty soon.
And Mike's got a driving license and whiskers.
Want to see my dad's room?
Oh, yes.
The master bedroom is one of
the most important rooms on my list.
Oh, this is nice.
Of course, it's understandably
a little masculine right now.
But she could put a, a-a cute little dressing table there.
And Hello.
Perhaps some fluffy curtains here at the window.
Down, fella, down.
She might want to change the walls.
Possibly peach, or, uh, dusty rose.
Jeepers. Is she gonna stay in here?
Of course, Chip.
This is where your father would want her to stay.
Boy, I guess Dad'll have to move in with Mike.
(chuckles)
Well, I have to be going.
I have another appointment to make.
(phone ringing) Oh, my gosh.
Jean, I'll be right over.
Mike, this is Dad.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Hi. Now look,
I just had a call from the domestic aid service
and they found someone for us
and they're sending her out to
the house as soon as they can.
And, uh, I thought I'd be away from the office,
but I'm still tied up here so
would you do something for me?
Oh, gee, Dad, I'd, I'd like to but I'm, I'm late already.
Here, you better talk to Robbie.
Now, wait a minute, Mike.
What's up? Dad's found a woman.
He'll tell you all about it.
No kidding, Dad. When's she getting here?
Well, any time now, Rob.
Now look, I'll get away from here as soon as I can,
but in case she gets there before I do,
you show her where she's to stay and make her feel welcome.
Now that we've found somebody, we don't want to lose her.
Okay, Dad. See you later.
Hey, who's going to do the dishes?
Don't ask me.
I did them this morning.
You what?!
I cooked a
Hey, wait a minute. You didn't do the
So long.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hot dog!
Saved by the Boy Scouts!
"And if the new woman gets here before Dad,
"show her where to stay and try not to act too dumb.
See you after the Scout meeting, Robbie."
(doorbell buzzes)
Howdy. (Chuckles)
What's your name, honey?
Chip, ma'am.
I'm Leona.
Domestic Aid Service sent me out.
Come on in. Oh.
Whoo-ee!
Dad isn't home yet.
Want me to help you with some of that?
I sure do.
I've been hauling this junk clear across the country.
Just got in from Potter Falls this afternoon.
It's going to feel awful good to get settled in somewhere.
Where's my room, honey?
Upstairs.
Upstairs?
Well, I'll be darned.
It's going to feel sort of nice to sleep upstairs
with the family for a change.
Whoo-ee!
Them are some stairs.
Here's Dad's room.
Ah, thank you, sugar.
Sakes alive!
You sure I'm supposed to be in here?
That's what the lady from the domestic place said.
Whose room did you say this was?
Well, it used to be my dad's, but he's moving in with Mike.
I think I'm going to like this just fine.
Let's just dump my junk over here in the corner, hmm?
Till your daddy finish getting his stuff moved.
There we go.
Thank you, sugar.
Now It's okay.
I think you're going to like my dad.
If he's as nice as you are, sugar,
I'm sure we're going to get along just fine.
I'll be right back.
I'm going over to Squeezy's house
and help him feed his garter snake.
All right, sugar.
I'm just going to get in that tub and soak for hours.
She didn't show up. I wonder what happened?
(humming)
(sighs)
If she doesn't get here pretty quick,
we're going to run out of dishes.
Boy, what a mess.
(doorbell buzzes)
Well, it's about time.
Oh, how do you do?
Mr. Douglas?
Yes. Come right in, won't you? Thank you.
I thought you'd be out here earlier, but, uh
Is that all? I mean, don't you have a suitcase?
Patience, Mr. Douglas.
I'm afraid you're a little overeager.
Yes, I guess I am.
Things have kind of piled up on us around here.
Well, I guess we'd better start out in the kitchen first.
I'm sorry.
I, I bet you'd like to see your room.
Hold on, Mr. Douglas.
I'm Mrs. Barr.
Well, it's nice to know you, Mrs. Barr.
Of course, it isn't a very big one
Listen, Mr. Douglas
but it's very convenient.
It's right here off the kitchen. Wait!
I'm just the interviewer.
The interviewer?
I thought that was all taken care of.
Your office said they were sending a woman right out.
(humming)
(laughs)
I can fully appreciate your impatience, Mr. Douglas.
But we have found out that this ounce of precaution
Well, it looks like I have no choice.
Won't you come in and sit down?
Oh, thank you.
(humming)
Of course, this is the, uh,
first time I've worked through an agency.
I mean, I didn't realize it entailed so much
I promise to scurry right through all this.
Douglas Steven.
Occupation?
Uh, engineer.
Missile engineer.
Missile?
Now, tell me, Mr. Douglas, do you have any preference
in terms of height, weight and complexion?
None.
You don't?
No. Why should I care how she looks?
Just as long as she's presentable.
Strange.
Strange?
Well, I just figure the less particular I am,
the sooner I'll get someone.
I see.
Searching for a woman
who has inner beauty.
Do you admire a woman who is artistically creative
and highly imaginative?
Well, just as long as her high imagination
doesn't get in the way of the housework.
(chuckles)
Is it necessary for the lady to have an active interest
in your business and hobbies?
Well, as a matter of act, I'd prefer it if she kept
her active interest out of my business.
Mrs. Barr, all I expect her to do is work.
What I need is help.
Just plain, old-fashioned, floor-scrubbing,
food-cooking, pot-washing, bed-making help.
Mr. Douglas
through all my 25 years in this profession,
I've never met a man like you.
Well, thank you.
I don't know of any woman who could share your home
under the conditions you've named.
I beg your pardon?
Does a woman really mean no
more to you than a floor-scrubbing,
pot-washing slave?
Slave?
Why, I intend to pay her.
Money?!
Well, sure, and then she'll have her usual days off.
Shame!
Mr. Douglas, for shame.
Money and the usual days off
in return for a lifetime of drudgery.
Lifetime?
Mrs. Barr, didn't I make it clear to you that this is
only to be a temporary arrangement?
Temporary?
Yes, just to, uh (phone rings)
A relationship of this kind cannot be entered into
on a temporary, trial basis.
Would you excuse me?
Apologies are too late, Mr. Douglas.
You're mid-Victorian, tyrannical attitude
toward women is out of place in the 20th century.
Material benefits are no longer enough to hold a woman.
She needs understanding, companionship.
In a word, Mr. Douglas, love.
Where'd that come from?
Oh, don't play innocent. Everybody knows that.
Hello?
Hello, Steve.
Oh, hi, Bub.
I can't understand you.
There must be some kind of interference.
Well, it's a tea kettle here in the
Oh, I just wish there were
some sort of law to protect women
from men like you.
May I suggest that next time,
you hire an employment agency?
Howdy. Oh, howdy. Thank you.
(humming)
Hi, Dad. Hi, Mrs. Barr.
Hi, Leona. Hi!
How do you like Dad's room?
Just fine, honey, just fine.
BUB: You there?! Excuse me.
Oh, operator, operator Chip?
Steve, what's going on?
Well, a slight emergency, Bub. No
(humming)
Well, there is a little problem.
Uh, call me back in ten minutes, will you?
I may know something by then.
Would you excuse me, please?
Chip!
Chip!
Well, if you hadn't trotted out to your Boy Scout meeting
instead of staying It wasn't my fault.
I mean, if he could read, we wouldn't have gotten
the wrong number in the first place.
I can read all right.
My finger was wrong.
Well, next time, use a ruler, will you?
Now, look, fellows,
this whole thing started because of passing the buck.
Now, the next time you're given a job to do,
you go right ahead and do it
without asking someone to do it for you.
Plenty more cookies and cocoa downstairs, boys.
Boy, I'll have some more.
You've got to get to bed.
Especially you, Chipper, get in there.
I'll just get my junk out of your way, Mr. Douglas.
Okay. I'm sorry about this mix-up, Leona.
Why don't you give Leona a hand, huh?
Yeah, give her a hand, will you, Robbie?
What I don't understand, Chip,
is why you put Leona in here in the first place?
ROBBIE: Well, if you'd have been
here like you were supposed to be.
MIKE: Oh, now, quit passing the buck.
That's right.
Now take Chip over there, for example.
I ask you fellows to help Leona with her things
and Chip went ahead and did it without passing the buck.
Who could I pass it to?
Don't you worry, Chip.
Leona's going to take care of you.
When you come home from school tomorrow,
I'm going to have a homemade lemon pie
with meringue that high.
And a big jar of my special sugar cookies.
Uh, Chip, Leona I'm coming, Leona
(excited chattering)
Good night, Dad.
(chuckles)
What a day.
I didn't think it was ever going to end,
but it looks like it's finally going to make it.
(sighs)
How'd I ever get in that deal like that one today?
(chuckles)
You can never tell what's going
to happen around this house?
Well, it just shows you,
if you got a sense of humor, don't worry about things,
they have a way of working themselves out.
Oh, man, this bed's going to feel good.
Well, it just goes to show you,
there's no use worrying about things.
Things have a way of taking care of themselves.
Just have a sense of humor about things.
Have faith
Don't let things get you down.
If you just let them alone,
they'll take care of themselves.
Just keep smiling, and the important thing is
a good night's sleep.
And after a good night's sleep,
you're going to wake up in the morning
things are almost like they never happened.
When things get you down
A good night's sleep takes care of a lot of things, too.
Kinda take care of themselves, given time.
But sleep, that's the thing.
(chuckles)
Sleep.
It unravels the knitted
It unravels the knitted Sleep.
It knits the unravel
"Sleep that knits the raveled sleeve."
Yeah. That's it.