Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e15 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Thank you, Floyd.
Thanks.
Okay. Thanks, Floyd.
Oh, thanks for the lift, Floyd.
Glad to oblige, Kate.
Pick you up soon as we turn around, Kate.
Oh, that'll be fine, Charley.
Make it exactly 20 minutes
to maybe an hour from now.
Oh, right on the dot.
Anywhere in there.
So long, Kate. See you later, Floyd.
Bye, Floyd. Bye, Floyd.
See you later. Bye-bye, Floyd.
Bye, Charley.
Morning, Kate, girls.
Oh, hi, Sam. How are you? Hello, Sam.
You come in for the special sale
on woolen mufflers? I didn't know you were having a sale.
Is that what you're hanging the flag up for?
Oh, no, Kate.
Hey, Herby, bring me that screwdriver.
No, this is a service flag.
Had it in stock since 18.
I figure when my only employee goes in service,
I ought to make something over it.
You mean Herby?
Yeah, he's been drafted. Leaves tomorrow.
Tomorrow? No fooling?
How does he feel about it?
Well, he, uh
That answer your question?
I've seen half-starved hound dogs
look happier than that.
Yeah, Herby's all heart.
Yeah, but he's not the kind to want to shirk duty.
Oh, of course not.
He's upset over leaving his hometown.
He thinks nobody cares.
But that's not true.
Of course it isn't.
Could be Herby's got a point.
Not too many people even know he's here.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
For a boy six feet tall,
he sure throws a mighty short shadow.
Yeah. Not enough shade for a hot frog.
Poor boy.
You're the one he's really going to hate
to say good-bye to, Billie Jo.
You know how he feels about you.
Well, sure, but what am I going to do?
Come on, girls, let's go inside and cheer up Herby.
Especially you, Billie Jo.
Herby, congratulations.
We just heard the news. What happened?
The draft board change its mind?
No, I mean congratulations about
being called in to service.
Oh
Well, everyone in Hooterville's sorry to see you go, Herby.
But we're sure proud of you. Huh?
We'll miss you, but our hearts
will be with you. They will?
Not only are the people around here going to miss you,
but they're going to sit up and take notice
when they see you in uniform.
Yeah?
Nah Even in uniform, I'm still me.
Oh, Herby, you're going to be dreamy
in the uniform, I just know it.
Gosh, you really think so, Billie Jo?
Oh, do I ever.
Gosh! I mean, golly.
Isn't it exciting going into service, Herby?
It's getting to be, sure.
Of course it is, Herby.
Well, good morning, everybody.
Hi, Junior. Oh, hi, Junior.
Hello there, Billie Jo.
Hi, Junior, have you heard the good news?
It's the biggest event since the opening of the store.
You're having a sale?
Yeah, on woolen mufflers, but listen to this.
Herby's going into the service.
Hey, that is a big event.
I I could use a new muffler.
You got any red ones?
Junior, the big event
is Herby going into the service.
Oh, come on. What's so big about Herby
becoming a dogface private?
Is that what I'm going to be, a dogface private?
Of course not.
What am I going to be?
Anything you want to be.
Right, girls?
Sure, I'll bet you could even be an officer,
say in the marines.
Or a jet pilot in the air force.
Or a submarine commander.
Or one of those, um, uh, astronauts.
Hey, that's a good idea.
I sort of like them fancy-looking space suits.
Maybe I'll become an astronaut.
You got a head start, Herby.
You're practically weightless.
Sure. Being thin can have its advantages.
You might be the first man to reach the moon.
Are you kidding?!
Herby can't even reach for the pork and beans,
unless Mr. Drucker points it out to him.
Junior, don't be jealous.
Jea jea of Herby?!
Herby couldn't even read the physical requirements
to be an astronaut, let alone pass them.
Oh? Well, he passed the physical requirements
to play football for the Hooterville Hornets.
So there.
Oh, big deal.
Herby Bates, the all-time leading
yardage loser of the all-time scoreless wonders.
Well, it's a record.
Herby, can't you see they're putting you on?
On what?
Oh, Bates you're beautiful.
You're really beautiful.
What do you mean?
What he means is that
you're handsome, and you're going to be
even more handsome in uniform.
Well, so long, Junior. It was nice seeing you.
Hey, wait a minute. I haven't done my shopping yet.
This is on the house. What's going on here?
I
Hi, folks. Hi.
That my star football player you got with you?
Hi, Herby. Hi, there, Coach.
What are you doing here,
playing hooky from Drucker's store?
He's the guest of honor at the party
we're throwing for him tonight.
Herby's going in the service tomorrow, Uncle Joe.
I'm becoming an astronaut.
Well, congrat A what?
An astronaut, Uncle Joe.
Herby?
Stop joshing me.
No joshing.
I'm putting in with them missile-flying fellas.
With John Glenn going into politics,
that leaves a place open for Herby.
Come on, girls. Uh, Herby.
Hey
Herby going to be an astronaut's laughable.
Ain't it?
Mom doesn't think so.
Or Billie or Bobbie or Mr. Drucker.
Even Junior Hocker wasn't able to laugh about it.
Say, if he was to become an astronaut,
he'd be the most famous person
ever to come out of Hooterville, wouldn't he?
No doubt about it.
Say, you know a shrewd manager
could push him into politics after he gets out,
make another John Glenn out of him.
Uncle Joe
I might put my brain behind Herby.
Give him something to fall back on.
Yes, sir, that boy's okay.
He's a real comer.
♪
Hello, Albert.
Welcome to Shady Rest.
Hi, Floyd.
Hello, you old time-burner.
Quite a big night, huh?
Sam, how's everything in Hooterville? Fine.
Hey! What are you doing here, party smasher?
I heard Mrs. Bradley say everybody was welcome.
Well, that don't include you, wise guy.
Relax, Herby.
You'll have Billie Jo all to yourself.
I will? Sure.
Whenever she's not busy dancing with me.
Hey, that ain't fair.
Listen, you stay away from Billie Jo.
This is my last night with her
Hey, want to come get some punch with me, Herby?
Oh, not now, Billie.
Herby and me want to have a talk about his future.
Come on. I'll get some with you, Billie Jo. But I
Wait a minute! I'd like to get some punch with you.
Ain't that great, Herby.
I know, I made it myself. I don't care.
I'm going to get me some with Billie Jo.
I knew a fella once that felt the same way about cider.
Good or bad, he couldn't leave the stuff alone.
For a fact. For a fact, Billie Jo.
Junior, that's cute.
I don't think anything a slacker says
is particular cute.
Don't talk stupid, Bates.
Junior's not a slacker, Herby.
I don't see him offering
his services to his country.
I'm deferred till I get out of college.
Then I'm going into officers' training school.
See, he admits it.
He's going to stay home and become a policeman.
I'm becoming an officer in the army, you dope.
Oh, that kind.
Now, boys, if you're going to argue,
I'm going to have to break this up.
Herby, maybe you and I better go for a walk.
Uh, no, no, we won't argue anymore.
Oh, yes, we will. Now, let's walk.
Okay.
Anybody seen Hooterville's hottest vote-getter?
Hooterville's who?
You know, Mom.
Uncle Joe's political protégé, Herby Bates.
He's the John Glenn of our town.
Otherwise know as Orbitin' Herby Bates.
Uncle Joe, why don't you stop bothering that boy.
He's like to spend a little time alone with Billie.
Tonight's our only chance
to map out his political career.
It's also his only chance
to say good-bye to Billie.
He ain't got no time to waste on girls.
He's saving all his sweet talk for the voters
and his kisses for their babies.
Well, there goes the last
of the big-time political bosses.
I may be going real far away, Billie Jo.
I know.
Oh, but I'll write to you.
I promise.
You won't be running around with that slacker.
Junior Hocker all the time, will you?
Oh, not all the time. I promise.
Do you want to seal it with a kiss?
Do you?
Golly. Do I ever.
Hey, Herby!
I've been looking all over for you.
I want to talk to you.
Can't it wait, please, Mr. Carson?
You can see him later, Uncle Joe.
Nope, I've got to see him tonight.
Billie Jo, why don't you go in and join the guests
while Herby and me discuss his destiny?
Well, if I can't sit here quiet and peaceful,
I want to dance.
Me, too.
Wait a minute, son.
You've got to start thinking of your future.
That's what I'm thinking about.
Soon as Billie goes inside,
Junior's going to glom on to her.
Now hold on, son.
If you want to get someplace with Billie,
you ain't going to do it dancing.
Oh you've seen me dance, huh?
That's not what I mean.
Relax and rock for a minute.
I'll tell you how you can win over
everybody in these parts,
including Billie Jo.
You mean it? It's a cinch.
With me guiding your destiny,
there ain't no reason why you couldn't
become even more popular than Johnny Glenn,
Gordo Cooper.
Yeah, astronauts sure do become famous.
And how.
Well, you could even be one of the first ones on the moon.
Billie Jo ain't about to forget you
with your name splashed all over the papers.
Yeah. I reckon not.
It's only a short jump from the moon
to the state capital.
State capital?
You come home a famous astronaut,
pushing you right into politics.
Politics?!
Yeah, Billie Jo cheering you onward and upward.
Just like everybody else.
Junior Hocker would sure have
to go something to beat that.
Yeah, so would some of them other young punks
traipsing around after Billie.
Golly, Mr. Carson.
I can't think of anything I'd rather do
than having Billie Jo look up to me. Herby
Herby If becoming an astronaut is what it takes
to make Billie Jo forget about everybody else, Herby
then that's what I'm going to do!
Boy, I'm going to Herby!
Mr. Carson?
There's nothing makes me edgier
than somebody rockin' against me.
Oh Now, will you learn how to rock?
Or I'm pulling my brains out of this deal.
Sorry, sir.
Now, between flights in the missile,
get in some good rockin' practice, will you?
Yes, sir. I certainly will.
Good boy.
Now, let's go in and hit them with our speech.
Speech?
I ain't no public speaker.
Herby, my boy, with me behind you,
you can do anything.
All right, everybody's quiet.
Now, tell us what's on your mind, Herby.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
Ladies and gentlemen,
uh, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking,
I'd still like to take this opportunity
to thank you all for coming to my party.
And especially Mrs. Bradley for throwing it for me.
Also want to make an announcement
about my military career.
I also want to make an announcement
about my military career.
Tomorrow morning, when they swear me in,
they won't be swearing in any dogface,
they'll be swearing in a rip, snortin' terrier.
Me.
Uh, I hereby announce that
I'm becoming America's newest
Astronaut, stupid.
Astronaut, stupid.
No. No, just plain astronaut.
Uh, after a couple of trips around the moon and back,
with my buddies, like Johnny Glenn and Gordo Cooper, uh,
I'm coming home and throwing my space helmet
in the political ring.
Any questions you want answered
about me while I'm gone
Any questions you want answered about me
while I'm gone
just check with that public-spirited citizen,
genial Joe Carson.
Just check with that public-spirited citizen,
genial Joe Carson.
I thank you.
I thank you.
Hello, Kate.
Well, genial Joe,
you just helped that boy make a fool of himself.
Kate, you keep proving over and over
that women and politics don't mix.
We never should have give you the vote.
With you and Herby in politics,
we may give it back.
Herby!
Oh! Why you
you look like you been scrappin' with a grizzly.
I just walked all the way back from the army camp.
40 miles through brush so no one would see me.
Well, sit down before you faint
and fall in it.
Is anybody around here?
Everybody's asleep, except Billie Jo.
She's writing you another letter.
But what happened?
Well, after six days in the service,
they up and kicked me out.
Why?
Well, it seems like I got what they call a trick knee.
They said it probably came from playing football.
And they said I also got a bad back.
Also probably from playing football.
Anyway, after pretty near a week of tests and X rays,
they decided to give me a medical discharge.
Oh, that's a shame, Herby.
But you've always got your job at Drucker's to go back to.
Oh, I ain't going back there, Mrs. Bradley.
After me popping off the way I did before I left,
I ain't ever gonna be able to face anybody again.
Especially Billie Jo.
Boy, I sure made a fool of myself.
With some strong assistance from genial Joe.
Will you hide me here till morning?
Of course, Herby, but why
Then I'll disappear.
I'll take off for some foreign place,
like the Casbah or Cleveland, or somewhere.
Now stop talking silly.
If you're bent on hiding I'll stash you in the attic,
till we can figure out some way of bringing you back
from the service proper-like.
Then you won't tell Billie Jo what a flop I am?
Oh, no, of course not.
Come on, let's go up to the attic.
It isn't very comfortable,
but then I'm afraid you have no choice.
You either have to be honest
or uncomfortable.
What a shame.
Herby sure 'came a cropper, didn't he?
Yeah.
Poor boy's hiding up in my attic.
But his spirits is down in the cellar.
Too bad you had to sneak in here at night
to tell me about it, Kate.
Well, wish I could think of some way to help you,
but my mind's all full
of newspaper business right now.
Well, Sam, the-the truth of the matter is,
I wanted to catch you 'fore you went to press
with the Hooterville World Guardian.
Kate figures the paper can help Herby
be out of the mess he's in.
When people read things in black and white,
they're more likely to believe it.
You know that, Sam.
Now wait a minute, Kate.
As owner, editor and publisher
of Hooterville's only newspaper,
and a man who's never deviated from the truth,
you don't expect me to write a story
to cover up for a bungling youth, do you?
No, Sam.
I'll write the story. That's different.
I'd be proud to print anything you write, Kate.
I'll set the type.
Hey, how about me doing something?
Okay, you can do our proofreading.
If it's all the same with you,
I think I'd be better at proof-listening.
Yep, the strategy I got planned for Herby,
it won't be long till he's way up there.
Your strategy already has him way up there.
Huh?
Well, he ain't an astronaut yet.
He's got to go through a period of training first.
Girls, your mother's a fine woman,
but her understanding of military service and politics
is pathetic.
Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
Local hero returns. What have you got there, Floyd?
Let me have one.
What's all the excitement, Charley?
Herby's coming home.
No. Yeah, for a fact.
Well, look, everybody.
"Our Herby Returns.
"Herby Bates, the popular young Hooterville resident
"who recently applied for duty in the armed services
"as an astronaut,
"received a medical discharge
"and is returning to Hooterville.
"The cause of his injury is not disclosed
due to the classified nature of his assignment."
Let me see that.
Hmph.
You suppose it's true?
What do you mean, "you suppose"?
There it is in black and white.
Well, yes, I know, but sometimes news Kate
Now there's another thing you've proven
you don't know anything about
The newspaper game.
Well, I guess you're right, Uncle Joe.
It says here he'll be home tomorrow.
Why don't we arrange for a homecoming celebration for him?
Good idea.
Oh, that's a good idea, Charley.
Say, I'll make a banner for the side of the train.
"Hero Special" or something.
Uncle Joe, don't ruin another one of my good sheets
by painting on it.
Yeah, but, Kate Well okay.
This time it's worth it.
I wonder how bad Herby was hurt.
I don't know,
but a great career was nipped in the bud.
Oh, my poor Herby.
There goes the governor's seat right down the drain.
- Hi, Mrs. Bradley.
- Hi.
Boy, your room sure is a lot nicer than the attic.
Thanks. Now the next stage is to get you down
and sneak you onto that train when it pulls in.
I'm gonna get out of these jeans
and into a nice dress for Herby's homecoming.
Okay. I'm gonna take my bath now.
There's gonna be more eyes in that hallway
than in a sack of potatoes.
I got to do something to you.
What are you fixin' on doing?
Now
with Bobbie's dress and Billie's coat
and Betty Jo's wig from the school play
and my fur piece, we might get away with it.
Come on.
Oh! Who's that?
Herby, it's you.
Hey Ain't a bad looker, huh?
Come on, gorgeous.
Here she comes, folks.
Mom, there's something bothering me.
What's that, dear?
Well, that girl over there.
Do you know who she is?
Oh, probably a friend of Herby's.
Well, I don't like her.
Now why do you say that?
For one thing, she's got a coat on just like my new one.
For another thing,
look how snooty she is standing over there by herself.
Oh, never mind her.
Here comes the Cannonball with Herby.
Look, dear, look, look at the train.
No good Herby Bates.
What? What?
He no sooner gets a uniform on and
and he has to go take up with that hussy.
Oh, that's what you think, good.
I mean, it isn't good to think that way.
Uh, watch the train, dear.
I've been writing to him for six whole days
and I haven't even looked at another boy.
At least not for very long.
And he has to go and do that to me.
Pipe down, will ya, Billie?
You know I ought to go over there and scratch her eyes out,
that-that man stealer.
Oh, Billie.
Folks, folks, folks, could I have your attention, please?
This is the moment we've all been waiting for
The triumphant return of our own.
Herby Bates.
We take this opportunity to welcome him home
from a short, but distinguished career
in the military service.
Well, uh
he's getting himself together a little slowly, folks.
Is he busted up bad?
Not too bad.
But he don't quite look like his old self.
Look at his lips.
There's lipstick all over them.
Oh, that hussy,
she sneaked on the train and she kissed him.
Where is she? I'm gonna kill her.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, quiet down, Scarlett O'Hara.
Thank you, folks. I'm glad to be home.
And I'm fixin' to go back to work
at Mr. Drucker's store real soon.
Fine, Herby.
Now, folks, let's all go up to Kate's
for coffee and donuts.
Oh, Herby, my wonderful, darling Herby.
Your what?
Promise me you'll never look at that hussy again.
Here, let me wipe her lipstick off of you.
What?
There, that's better.
Now, here's some of mine.
Golly, Billie Jo.
Well golly.
Would you look at that?
Well, the nerve of that hussy.
She even wears my shade of lipstick.
Golly
Come on, I'm not letting you out of my sight.
Going back to Drucker's store.
I knew that kid was a loser.
Doesn't look like one right now to me.
Hey, Junior, you ever give any thought to
using a military career as a springboard into politics?
I'm not interested in politics, Mr. Carson.
Kate, you're looking at a frustrated man
with a great brain and no way of making it pay off.
Yes, Uncle Joe.
Stuck out here in the middle of nowhere
with nothing but losers.
Yes, Uncle Joe.
Ain't it a cotton-pickin' shame?
Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a Filmways Presentation.