She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e15 Episode Script
Curiosity Killed the Cravitz
MAN: Jarred, time to practice your piano! JARRED: Okay, I'm coming! (DOG BARKING) WOMAN: John, don't get dirty.
We're leaving in about two minutes.
Good morning! Good morning, Mrs.
Cravitz.
GIRL:17, 18, 19 Don't stop! MAN: We'll just meet you down there.
You're almost there! 28, 29 (CHILDREN LAUGHING) BOY: Mommy, can I go out and play? Oh, hi, Mark.
Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I know, I know.
I'm eating like a pig, and I should control myself.
But this divorce has totally stressed me out.
My sweet tooth is raging.
Sugar? Have a heart.
Here you go, dear.
And all we ask in return is just a piece of your incredible triple chocolate layer cake.
Deal.
Thanks heaps, guys.
You're dream neighbors.
Bye.
Six, seven, eight, nine.
Honey, you're behaving like a zombie.
(FLY BUZZING) Hungry, I guess.
Well, have something to eat.
Hmm.
GIRL: Twenty-three I wanted brown sugar.
Go ahead! Oh, my (SIGHS) What a glorious day.
It's easy for you to say.
You weren't up all night baying at the moon.
Well, look on the bright side.
You've got four weeks freedom from your curse.
We could start with lunch in Hyde Park and then a long walk through the West End.
What about your classes? Remain in a stuffy classroom on a day like today? You must be joking.
Besides, mythology has no relevance in the modern world.
What? I'm a werewolf.
How can you say that mythology is irrelevant? Actually, I didn't.
The university did.
They've announced the gradual " phasing out" of my department.
So that's it.
So that's what? This sudden urge to be footloose and fancy-free.
It's fear.
It's spontaneity.
Come on.
Aren't you just a little bit worried? Why should I be? I'm a professor of mythology.
There will always be a job for me.
Yeah, right.
(HUMMING) (SIGHS) Grave digger! Burger chef! Sexual surrogate! RANDl: Now, there's an idea.
I'm over-qualified.
Let me see that.
Besides, I still have a job.
The university is phasing out the department, it could take months, maybe years.
You could become a full-time author instead.
Oh, great, another relative sponging off my pension.
That's all I need.
(PHONE RINGING) I'll get it.
Hello? Matheson house.
ELLEN: Thank God! Space aliens have invaded my block! Randi, it's for you.
Hello, this is Randi.
Randi, it's me, Ellen Cravitz! Ellen! How are you? I was right.
It's so good to hear your voice after writing so many letters.
What's up? Look, no one believes me! No one will listen! What has that jerk Fred done now? Not another bad alimony check? I'm living next door to space aliens! The Bradys are from another planet! Ellen, you think people who drive a Volvo are from another planet.
I told you not to move to suburbia.
I'm serious.
The Bradys are lizards! Today, Northridge, tomorrow, the world! This is their beachhead! I have pictures.
I have recordings.
(LOUD CRASH) They're No! No! No! No! (ELLEN SCREAMING) Ellen? (GROWLING) No! No! No! No! No! Ellen? Ellen, what's the Trouble? That was my friend Ellen from college.
She said that space aliens are invading Los Angeles.
Who'd know the difference? Socks, socks, socks.
Oh! No clean socks.
Well, don't try and stop me.
I'm going to California, and that's final.
Randi I have a non-refundable plane ticket, Ellen's sister says that I can stay at Ellen's place, so it's all set.
I don't think you understand what Ellen is my friend, so that makes it my responsibility to find out what happened.
No one's denying that.
In fact There won't be another full moon for a month.
So that'll give me plenty of time to get back, and if not, I'll make other arrangements.
Randi, you won't have to make other arrangements.
I do have to.
So stop trying to talk me out of it.
I have no intention of trying to stop you from going.
You don't? I don't.
Oh.
It doesn't bother you at all to see me go? Not at all.
Hmm.
Because I'm going with you.
Well, I didn't know you had such strong feelings about me that you can't bear to see me go.
I just can't bear the thought of my script gathering dust on a shelf at Monumental Pictures.
I'm simply going to rescue it.
Oh.
Oh, well, I won't be seeing much of you anyway, because I'll be so busy networking.
Oh (SIGHS) Oh, come on, Randi.
I'll work you in.
(CAR HONKING) We'll miss you, son.
And you, too, dear.
We won't be gone forever.
We'll be back in a couple of weeks.
If you survive the earthquakes.
What's wrong with holidaying in England? At least our ground stays in one place.
And so have I for too long.
It's time to see a little bit of the world.
Hollywood.
Malibu.
The Universal Studios tour.
The beaches.
The babes.
The bikinis.
Muscle Beach.
Don't forget my autographed picture of Adrian Zmed.
(CAR HONKING) I won't.
Oh! There's the cab, bye! Bye, Julian! Bye! Mum.
Aunt Elsa.
Goodbye, Son.
Dad.
(CRYING) There, there, dear.
It's all right.
I've got this strange feeling they're not coming back.
Of course they are.
And if they don't, we've got two more rooms to rent out.
(SOBBING) RANDl: You know, you're taking the dismantling of the mythology department pretty casually.
IAN: Look, our experiences together have proved that everything I was teaching is wrong.
It isn't mythology, it's fact.
I'm not sure I can go on teaching knowing the truth.
Well, then what are you gonna do? Oh, I don't know.
Perhaps I'll join the ranks of the idle rich.
Then we'd better look the part.
Not a bad spot.
Maybe I'll rent a little beach house when my movie deal hits.
Your movie deal.
Come on, we both know this movie deal is a crock.
Why don't you just admit why you're here? I have meetings to take, lunches to do, people to meet.
People to meet? Sure.
Why do you think I rented this at the airport? Unbelievable.
Wouldn't it be easier just to say you're here to be with me? Hello? Monumental Pictures? Skip Seville, please.
Lan Matheson here.
He's the executive in charge of my picture.
Did anyone ever tell you, you have Garbo's eyes? Oh, come on! You can't fool me for a second.
You expect me to believe you've turned into a Hollywood phony after just 20 minutes? I adjust quickly.
(LAUGHING) Skip has been replaced? How unfortunate.
Well, may I speak to his replacement, please? They sold the studio.
Skip's gone.
I guess he couldn't adjust.
Yes, I'll hold.
You never know when change will strike.
You have to be ready to roll with it.
You mean like finding out you've been cursed to turn into a werewolf once a month? I mean, like battling supernatural creatures you never believed existed to find a cure for a curse you never believed was real.
You adjusted pretty quickly.
See? Hello? Mr.
Okugawa? Lan Matheson here.
(SIGHS) How could Mr.
Okugawa not know who I am? He must have been living in a cave.
Or he's an alien from another planet.
Could you try to be serious about this? Ellen's neighbors, the Bradys, could be alien beings.
Now we both know the unbelievable can be true.
If I didn't know that before, I certainly do now.
Do people really live here? Yes, we do.
Remember, we're married.
Got it.
You're the old ball and chain.
So, this is suburbia.
MARK: Heavenly, isn't it? It's like another world, but then you'd know that better than me.
You must be the new neighbors.
I'm Mark Brady.
He's Mark Brady.
I'm lan Matheson and this is my wife, Edna.
Edna? You can call her " Poopsie.
" Well, where's your stuff? In transit.
Might not be here for days.
Weeks.
Months.
So, which floor plan is this? Excuse me? Well, is it plan 23A, the rustic three-bedroom standard, or is it plan 27D, the three-bedroom Mediterranean? Well, I You don't mind if I just take a peak do you? I just love a good floor plan.
Excuse me.
Isn't she adorable? Interesting decor.
Oh! I thought you were the plumber.
These pesky roots are clogging up all our pipes.
I am sorry for intruding like this.
I'm your new neighbor.
IAN: Edna.
And I'm her hubby, lan Matheson.
What a lovely home you have.
So, which floor plan is it, Poopsie? Well, it's a 27D, of course.
The one with the sunken living room.
Thank heavens.
That's a load off my mind.
I shall sleep easier tonight.
Pleasure meeting you.
(CLEARS THROAT) Edna? We are undercover.
Otherwise, we would have barged into their home and searched it.
Instead of using the subtle approach.
Those people are not normal.
My thought exactly.
It is? A normal person would have hit you with the wrench.
All these years my mother's been telling me to get married.
Now I know what I've been missing.
I've got my slippers, I've got my paper, and my dinner is on the way.
Mmm.
Macaroni and cheese, straight from the box.
One of my all-time, all-American favorites.
Is this really necessary? We have to maintain appearances.
I mean, what if the Bradys start peering through our window, Poopsie? Look, don't call me Poopsie.
And don't even think of calling me Enid again.
It's Edna.
If we're going to catch these aliens, we have to keep our stories straight.
You're laughing now.
Yes, I am.
But explain to me why I couldn't find any pictures or recordings of these aliens anywhere in this house.
Perhaps it's because they're not in the house.
Exactly.
Perhaps it's because they don't exist at all, except in your friend's imagination.
They killed Ellen.
(MICROWAVE BEEPING) If she believed that the Bradys are space aliens, then they are.
And I'm gonna prove it.
(SIGHS) Ah! Married life.
(FIRE ALARM BUZZING) IAN: That sound can mean only one thing.
(SIGHS) Breakfast must be ready.
(ALARM STOPS) It's unbelievable.
They don't care who sees what they're doing.
Skinny-dipping? They're putting a satellite dish right there in their backyard.
They're shameless.
So I like my pancakes crispy.
The way they were meant to be.
Any juice? Fridge.
They're obviously establishing contact with their mother ship.
Perhaps they just want better television reception.
Pulpy.
Fresh squeezed.
I like to chew my juice.
Makes a beverage into a meal.
Well, you're a bit dapper for a house husband, aren't you? Skip landed on his feet.
Not an easy trick for a snake.
He called while you were browning the pancakes.
He runs a network now.
Are you really gonna go through with this charade? Well, he says he has a place for me on prime time.
Doing what? He didn't say.
My guess is I'll be exploring the world of mythology.
Or starring in a sitcom with a wise-cracking alien.
Perhaps we can cast one of the neighbors.
I'll look into it.
Good.
Keys, keys, keys.
Cheerio, Poopsie.
Bye.
Have a good day.
WOMAN 1: Take that load, too.
WOMAN 2: Do you need the rake? MAN 1: Good, spread it around.
MAN 2: Yeah.
WOMAN 2: I'll bring it out.
Now what do you think? I think you better get out the plunger and pray.
These roots are clogging the whole neighborhood.
Bye, Poopsie.
So this is your international television empire.
Channel 89 is the hottest new independent in the LA market.
Sort of a bare-bones operation.
(LAUGHS) Exactly.
Low overhead, high visibility.
In its first week, Count Phil's Creature Theater nearly matched the share of Channel 74's Bass Fishin' with Bo.
Yeah, there's only one problem.
You can't count on fickle viewers? No, I can't count on the Count.
Phil's a little flaky.
Last week, he spent the entire program with his hand in Vampirina's cleavage.
Yeah, we're looking for someone to step into his fangs.
Count lan? Play your cards right, kid, I'll make you a king.
A crowning career opportunity.
Yeah, so what do you say? There's a cape waiting out there with your name on it.
As flattering as it is, I must decline.
I'm just visiting.
I see.
You didn't come to la-la land just to take my studio tour.
I'm keeping an eye on a friend.
Oh, I see.
And your hands, and your lips and your (LAUGHS) We're just friends.
Actually, we're a bit more than friends.
Close, intimate friends.
Close intimate friends scorch sheets, pal.
I kid.
But seriously, wouldn't you like your own TV series? Well, if I did, it would be a forum for the discussion of mythological issues.
A talk show.
Yes, where I'd interview innovators of the field.
Scholars.
Devil worshipers.
Researchers.
Hermaphrodites.
Academics of the highest order.
Women with big hooters.
Good to see we're on the same wavelength.
I love it! I'm getting hot flashes here.
This has got everything.
It's got hype, horror and hooters.
Essential ingredients for socially-responsible television.
Now, all we need is a name.
The lan Matheson Show has a nice ring to it.
No, no, no, something hip.
Something flashy.
Oprah.
Geraldo.
Lan.
Lan just doesn't work.
Have you ever thought of changing your name? No.
All right.
Try Stryker.
Walk with it, roll with it, see how it plays.
Maybe take it to dinner and ask it to dance? Yeah.
Have your girl call my girl.
We'll do breakfast.
Breakfast is for losers.
We'll take a pre-dawn surf meeting.
Bring your board.
Cowabunga.
(CLATTERS) (MEOWS) Oh, my Ellen was right.
(RUMBLING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Randi? I'm home.
I'm in here, honey.
That's a new look for you.
I found this new recipe for meatloaf supreme.
The secret is in a can of cream of mushroom soup.
Imagine that.
I can't wait to try it.
Now you, sit down while I bring you a drink.
(EXHALES) How was your day? Oh, I rooted around the closet for a few hours.
How was yours? Top-notch.
(SIGHS) I've been here one day already and had my first offer of stardom.
(BUZZING) You know I think I could get to like living in California.
Cheers.
(MAN SCREAMING) WOMAN: Please.
Please.
Waiting for communications from your home planet? (CHUCKLES) Waiting for Who's the Boss? That Italian guy is a riot.
That satellite dish is for interstellar communications, isn't it? Do you have any idea how bad television reception is down here? Now we get 650 stations.
Now we get The Facts of Life You aren't aliens? They're evil trolls from the center of the Earth.
We are human beings! At least we were until a wizard turned us into trolls.
And banished us to the Earth's core.
So, what's the problem? How would you like to live down here for centuries? How would you like to eat earthworms? Well, that would depend on if I was a troll or not.
(SNARLS) It's taken us a thousand years to dig our way to the surface, and to develop the Transformamatic.
Thanks to a few stolen vacuum tubes, some photocopier components and just a smidgen of plutonium, we don't have to be trolls any longer.
Come inside.
Showtime! Get over there, and get out of my way! (SCREAMING) A thing of beauty.
Certainly an improvement.
Now we can walk amongst you without being noticed.
And take over the world? World, schmorld.
All the Big Macs we can eat.
Crystal-clear television reception.
Suburban track homes for the taking.
A pretty slave or two.
What more does a troll need? A good skin cream? Then again, world domination, that's not a bad idea.
Good move, ace.
I like the sound of that one.
And we'll kill anyone who gets in our way! (WATCH BEEPING) Facts of Life is on.
It's a big decision.
Do I choose fame, sunny skies, a new name? Or do I stick with the foggy West End, academic obscurity and the warmth of the family hearth? But, more importantly, what do you intend to do? Perhaps you should re-evaluate your academic goals.
You're a werewolf, do you really need a mythology degree? What do you think? I think it's time for dessert.
Will I like it? Yes, it's smashing.
(DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Is it Halloween already? Randi, fetch the sweets.
(SCREAMS) You call that sweet? (EXHALES) You are a remarkable judge of character.
I take it back.
(CHANTING) (CROAKING) We have to talk.
(CHUCKLES) (GROWLING) Why haven't you tried to escape? To where? We could be anywhere in a thousand miles of tunnels.
Besides, they'll try to kill us.
I'm Baldrik Exmachina.
Grand Wizard of the Glowing Oracle.
But the magicians of the Glowing Oracle disbanded thousands of years ago.
I keep fit.
Which is more than I can say for you.
(LAUGHS) Indeed.
Nobody's perfect.
Take for instance those poor folks with forked tongues.
They aren't people.
They're trolls.
Somehow they've learned how to transform themselves into anyone.
So that isn't my friend Randi hopping around the living room? It's one of those evil gypsies I turned into trolls and exiled into the center of the Earth.
Ah, that's a relief.
They were supposed to stay down there forever.
Oh, well, we all make mistakes.
Just turn them into frogs and rescue my friend, and it'll be our little secret.
(LAUGHS) That's easier said than done.
But, uh, well, I've got to be face to face with them to accomplish it.
Well, why didn't you show up a week ago? Well, I didn't sense they had escaped until yesterday.
Oh, I only hope I'm not too late.
Let's get this over with.
Where are we going? "There's too much crime in the city," he says.
"Let's get away from the dirt and the danger," he says.
"Let's start a new life in the suburbs," he says.
How was I supposed to know there were trolls in California, honey? I knew we never should have left New York City.
Would you two stop arguing, please? Oh, goodie.
Little Miss Mary Sunshine has another pearl of wisdom for us.
We have to stay together if we're going to be united against the trolls.
Shh! They're gonna hear you.
Let them hear me! Let them all hear me! Look, are you crazy? You wanna get us killed? Listen up, trolls.
We've had enough.
And we're not going to take this anymore! (SNARLS) What's going on here? Everybody get back to work.
No! We're not slaves.
We're human beings.
I'd like to let you know that she's speaking only for herself.
Listen, if you've seen our television, you know this, the human spirit is indomitable.
And you could chain us, but you can't chain our souls.
And no matter what you do, we will be free! So, everybody, throw down your tools! (TROLLS SNARLING) Throw them! Throw down your tools.
Now what do you say? I think you're absolutely right.
She is? She is? I am? You are.
Yeah, you are.
The human spirit is indomitable, yeah, and it was wrong of me to make you all my slaves.
ALL: Yeah! Yeah! I have decided to kill you instead.
(TROLL LAUGHING) That's two, Einstein.
It's yabba-dabba-doo time! I command thee back, knave! Baldrik! Lan! Hi, honey, I'm home.
These must be the new neighbors.
Lan Matheson.
I see you've met Poopsie.
This is no time for jokes.
Nonsense.
You watch this.
I should have destroyed you eons ago, but pity stayed my hand.
Who is this guy? Long story.
Have mercy on us, we're harmless.
Not in this form, you're not.
But you will be when you are all, uh, frogs! Frogs! Uh-oh.
Uh-oh? Baldrik, good to see you.
(CACKLES) This long story, does it have a happy ending? Not anymore.
All right, all right.
Come along.
Inside, inside, yes! Inside, yes! Yes! Won't hurt a bit.
Always wanted a beard like that.
(LAUGHS) My turn! My turn! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Oh, that feels great.
(LAUGHING) You didn't know your magic wand doesn't work underground? Well, I never had a chance to do it underground.
Well, you could have read the manual.
Now, now, don't argue.
You have to learn to get along.
You're going to be together down here for a very long time.
See how you like eternal damnation.
Mere iron bars can't restrain the indomitable human spirit.
That's why once we're above, we're sealing these caverns, forever.
Brilliant.
Are you two related? If you manage to escape this cell, doubtful.
And if you dig your way to the surface, impossible.
It won't matter.
It'll be our world then.
I have this now.
And no manual.
I'll wing it.
Have a pleasant eternity.
Anyone bring a deck of cards? This is not at all how I imagined California.
Well, that's all right, I never thought moving to England would mean becoming a werewolf, battling ghosts and witches, zombies.
(SIGHS) Well, you just can't trust tourist brochures anymore.
But if I had to do it all again, I don't think I'd do anything differently.
Not even the curse? Well, maybe the curse.
But not if it meant that we couldn't be together.
To say you changed my life would be an understatement.
You wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for me.
You saw through me? I always have.
Then you know how I feel about you? Well, I wouldn't mind hearing it just to be sure.
If I had to do it all over again Oh, I am gonna throw up.
Can't you do something, bonehead? Like what? Wait a minute.
Didn't the magicians of the Glowing Oracle entertain themselves with small feats of magic? Well, there was this old parlor trick we used to do for laughs.
Well, I think we could do with a few laughs.
I'm not sure I even remember how it goes.
(CHANTING) Ow.
(CHANTING) Oh, I get it.
All the other wizards were laughing at you.
(CHANTING) Ha! A key.
Good man! WOMAN: Thank God.
MAN: Thank you.
MAN: Get out of here.
Come on.
Let's get up there and kick some troll butt.
That's the first intelligent thing you've said.
MAN: All right! All right! Give me a hand.
Uh-oh! Not bad for a troll who's winging it, huh? We're gonna be in here forever.
You got a trick for this? BALDRIK: I'm afraid not.
MAN: We gotta get out of here.
Come on, stay close.
WOMAN: Yeah.
IAN: Do you have an idea? You're gonna love it.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (CHATTERING) (MOUTHING) This is the last earthworm I'll ever eat.
Think again.
No hard feelings? None at all.
(FROGS CROAKING) Say, I don't suppose I could convince you to transform them into something a bit more appealing? Like what? Oh, I don't know.
Perhaps something in a very daring bikini? IAN: Do you swear there was nothing vindictive about turning me into a worm? No, of course not.
It was just It was just a way to get through the dirt.
Well, it did give me the opportunity to see what it's like being a Hollywood producer.
Gee, I'm gonna miss suburbia.
(SIRENS BLARING) Not half as much as it's going to miss you.
So, lan Do you think we're a failure as a married couple? Perhaps we just need a little more practice.
What sort of exercise did you have in mind? FIREMAN 1: You okay in there? FIREMAN 2: Check it out.
Let's go.
Head upstairs.
Let's go.
Yeah, I guess so.
Practice makes perfect.
IAN: So you're saying that Merlin was not a mythical articulation of the society's repressed anxiety over the oppressive expression of Catholicism? I'm saying Merlin was a jerk, always borrowing wands and never returning them.
And he had no idea how to host a good virgin sacrifice.
Did anyone ever tell you, you have Garbo's eyes? Many times.
Anyone ever tell you, you have Bacall's hips? That's a first.
And so that's our show for today.
I'd like to thank our guest, Baldrik Exmachina, Grand Wizard of the Glowing Oracle, for joining us.
My pleasure.
Remember, if you've encountered the supernatural, tackled the bizarre or delved into the unreal, we want to hear from you.
I'm Dr.
Lan Matheson bidding you adieu.
Thank you.
You know, you could be my head of development.
I'm leaving town.
Oh, not on my account.
Well, it's certainly a strong incentive.
And you thought a lively debate about mythology would be dull.
Well, I got to admit.
The old coot was pretty good.
Next time, can you find a coot with hooters? I'll roll with it, walk with it, see how it plays.
(LAUGHS) I love this man.
(PURRING) Next time? Who is he kidding? Look, we gotta hurry or we'll miss our flight.
Hey, why rush? You wanna miss the plane? I was thinking we might stay for a while.
Stay? It beats waiting for the university to phase me out, and besides, think how many people we can reach with this show.
People who might just lead us to your cure.
You'd give up your professor's robes for me? Oh, why stop there? I'll take off anything you like.
But I'd never graduate.
True, but we'd be together.
Assuming you're willing to stay, of course.
I take that as a yes.
Oh, I don't know.
I think you should wine and dine me, just to play it safe.
Oh, I always play it safe.
Where to? I don't know.
It'll be an adventure.
No doubt.
We're leaving in about two minutes.
Good morning! Good morning, Mrs.
Cravitz.
GIRL:17, 18, 19 Don't stop! MAN: We'll just meet you down there.
You're almost there! 28, 29 (CHILDREN LAUGHING) BOY: Mommy, can I go out and play? Oh, hi, Mark.
Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I know, I know.
I'm eating like a pig, and I should control myself.
But this divorce has totally stressed me out.
My sweet tooth is raging.
Sugar? Have a heart.
Here you go, dear.
And all we ask in return is just a piece of your incredible triple chocolate layer cake.
Deal.
Thanks heaps, guys.
You're dream neighbors.
Bye.
Six, seven, eight, nine.
Honey, you're behaving like a zombie.
(FLY BUZZING) Hungry, I guess.
Well, have something to eat.
Hmm.
GIRL: Twenty-three I wanted brown sugar.
Go ahead! Oh, my (SIGHS) What a glorious day.
It's easy for you to say.
You weren't up all night baying at the moon.
Well, look on the bright side.
You've got four weeks freedom from your curse.
We could start with lunch in Hyde Park and then a long walk through the West End.
What about your classes? Remain in a stuffy classroom on a day like today? You must be joking.
Besides, mythology has no relevance in the modern world.
What? I'm a werewolf.
How can you say that mythology is irrelevant? Actually, I didn't.
The university did.
They've announced the gradual " phasing out" of my department.
So that's it.
So that's what? This sudden urge to be footloose and fancy-free.
It's fear.
It's spontaneity.
Come on.
Aren't you just a little bit worried? Why should I be? I'm a professor of mythology.
There will always be a job for me.
Yeah, right.
(HUMMING) (SIGHS) Grave digger! Burger chef! Sexual surrogate! RANDl: Now, there's an idea.
I'm over-qualified.
Let me see that.
Besides, I still have a job.
The university is phasing out the department, it could take months, maybe years.
You could become a full-time author instead.
Oh, great, another relative sponging off my pension.
That's all I need.
(PHONE RINGING) I'll get it.
Hello? Matheson house.
ELLEN: Thank God! Space aliens have invaded my block! Randi, it's for you.
Hello, this is Randi.
Randi, it's me, Ellen Cravitz! Ellen! How are you? I was right.
It's so good to hear your voice after writing so many letters.
What's up? Look, no one believes me! No one will listen! What has that jerk Fred done now? Not another bad alimony check? I'm living next door to space aliens! The Bradys are from another planet! Ellen, you think people who drive a Volvo are from another planet.
I told you not to move to suburbia.
I'm serious.
The Bradys are lizards! Today, Northridge, tomorrow, the world! This is their beachhead! I have pictures.
I have recordings.
(LOUD CRASH) They're No! No! No! No! (ELLEN SCREAMING) Ellen? (GROWLING) No! No! No! No! No! Ellen? Ellen, what's the Trouble? That was my friend Ellen from college.
She said that space aliens are invading Los Angeles.
Who'd know the difference? Socks, socks, socks.
Oh! No clean socks.
Well, don't try and stop me.
I'm going to California, and that's final.
Randi I have a non-refundable plane ticket, Ellen's sister says that I can stay at Ellen's place, so it's all set.
I don't think you understand what Ellen is my friend, so that makes it my responsibility to find out what happened.
No one's denying that.
In fact There won't be another full moon for a month.
So that'll give me plenty of time to get back, and if not, I'll make other arrangements.
Randi, you won't have to make other arrangements.
I do have to.
So stop trying to talk me out of it.
I have no intention of trying to stop you from going.
You don't? I don't.
Oh.
It doesn't bother you at all to see me go? Not at all.
Hmm.
Because I'm going with you.
Well, I didn't know you had such strong feelings about me that you can't bear to see me go.
I just can't bear the thought of my script gathering dust on a shelf at Monumental Pictures.
I'm simply going to rescue it.
Oh.
Oh, well, I won't be seeing much of you anyway, because I'll be so busy networking.
Oh (SIGHS) Oh, come on, Randi.
I'll work you in.
(CAR HONKING) We'll miss you, son.
And you, too, dear.
We won't be gone forever.
We'll be back in a couple of weeks.
If you survive the earthquakes.
What's wrong with holidaying in England? At least our ground stays in one place.
And so have I for too long.
It's time to see a little bit of the world.
Hollywood.
Malibu.
The Universal Studios tour.
The beaches.
The babes.
The bikinis.
Muscle Beach.
Don't forget my autographed picture of Adrian Zmed.
(CAR HONKING) I won't.
Oh! There's the cab, bye! Bye, Julian! Bye! Mum.
Aunt Elsa.
Goodbye, Son.
Dad.
(CRYING) There, there, dear.
It's all right.
I've got this strange feeling they're not coming back.
Of course they are.
And if they don't, we've got two more rooms to rent out.
(SOBBING) RANDl: You know, you're taking the dismantling of the mythology department pretty casually.
IAN: Look, our experiences together have proved that everything I was teaching is wrong.
It isn't mythology, it's fact.
I'm not sure I can go on teaching knowing the truth.
Well, then what are you gonna do? Oh, I don't know.
Perhaps I'll join the ranks of the idle rich.
Then we'd better look the part.
Not a bad spot.
Maybe I'll rent a little beach house when my movie deal hits.
Your movie deal.
Come on, we both know this movie deal is a crock.
Why don't you just admit why you're here? I have meetings to take, lunches to do, people to meet.
People to meet? Sure.
Why do you think I rented this at the airport? Unbelievable.
Wouldn't it be easier just to say you're here to be with me? Hello? Monumental Pictures? Skip Seville, please.
Lan Matheson here.
He's the executive in charge of my picture.
Did anyone ever tell you, you have Garbo's eyes? Oh, come on! You can't fool me for a second.
You expect me to believe you've turned into a Hollywood phony after just 20 minutes? I adjust quickly.
(LAUGHING) Skip has been replaced? How unfortunate.
Well, may I speak to his replacement, please? They sold the studio.
Skip's gone.
I guess he couldn't adjust.
Yes, I'll hold.
You never know when change will strike.
You have to be ready to roll with it.
You mean like finding out you've been cursed to turn into a werewolf once a month? I mean, like battling supernatural creatures you never believed existed to find a cure for a curse you never believed was real.
You adjusted pretty quickly.
See? Hello? Mr.
Okugawa? Lan Matheson here.
(SIGHS) How could Mr.
Okugawa not know who I am? He must have been living in a cave.
Or he's an alien from another planet.
Could you try to be serious about this? Ellen's neighbors, the Bradys, could be alien beings.
Now we both know the unbelievable can be true.
If I didn't know that before, I certainly do now.
Do people really live here? Yes, we do.
Remember, we're married.
Got it.
You're the old ball and chain.
So, this is suburbia.
MARK: Heavenly, isn't it? It's like another world, but then you'd know that better than me.
You must be the new neighbors.
I'm Mark Brady.
He's Mark Brady.
I'm lan Matheson and this is my wife, Edna.
Edna? You can call her " Poopsie.
" Well, where's your stuff? In transit.
Might not be here for days.
Weeks.
Months.
So, which floor plan is this? Excuse me? Well, is it plan 23A, the rustic three-bedroom standard, or is it plan 27D, the three-bedroom Mediterranean? Well, I You don't mind if I just take a peak do you? I just love a good floor plan.
Excuse me.
Isn't she adorable? Interesting decor.
Oh! I thought you were the plumber.
These pesky roots are clogging up all our pipes.
I am sorry for intruding like this.
I'm your new neighbor.
IAN: Edna.
And I'm her hubby, lan Matheson.
What a lovely home you have.
So, which floor plan is it, Poopsie? Well, it's a 27D, of course.
The one with the sunken living room.
Thank heavens.
That's a load off my mind.
I shall sleep easier tonight.
Pleasure meeting you.
(CLEARS THROAT) Edna? We are undercover.
Otherwise, we would have barged into their home and searched it.
Instead of using the subtle approach.
Those people are not normal.
My thought exactly.
It is? A normal person would have hit you with the wrench.
All these years my mother's been telling me to get married.
Now I know what I've been missing.
I've got my slippers, I've got my paper, and my dinner is on the way.
Mmm.
Macaroni and cheese, straight from the box.
One of my all-time, all-American favorites.
Is this really necessary? We have to maintain appearances.
I mean, what if the Bradys start peering through our window, Poopsie? Look, don't call me Poopsie.
And don't even think of calling me Enid again.
It's Edna.
If we're going to catch these aliens, we have to keep our stories straight.
You're laughing now.
Yes, I am.
But explain to me why I couldn't find any pictures or recordings of these aliens anywhere in this house.
Perhaps it's because they're not in the house.
Exactly.
Perhaps it's because they don't exist at all, except in your friend's imagination.
They killed Ellen.
(MICROWAVE BEEPING) If she believed that the Bradys are space aliens, then they are.
And I'm gonna prove it.
(SIGHS) Ah! Married life.
(FIRE ALARM BUZZING) IAN: That sound can mean only one thing.
(SIGHS) Breakfast must be ready.
(ALARM STOPS) It's unbelievable.
They don't care who sees what they're doing.
Skinny-dipping? They're putting a satellite dish right there in their backyard.
They're shameless.
So I like my pancakes crispy.
The way they were meant to be.
Any juice? Fridge.
They're obviously establishing contact with their mother ship.
Perhaps they just want better television reception.
Pulpy.
Fresh squeezed.
I like to chew my juice.
Makes a beverage into a meal.
Well, you're a bit dapper for a house husband, aren't you? Skip landed on his feet.
Not an easy trick for a snake.
He called while you were browning the pancakes.
He runs a network now.
Are you really gonna go through with this charade? Well, he says he has a place for me on prime time.
Doing what? He didn't say.
My guess is I'll be exploring the world of mythology.
Or starring in a sitcom with a wise-cracking alien.
Perhaps we can cast one of the neighbors.
I'll look into it.
Good.
Keys, keys, keys.
Cheerio, Poopsie.
Bye.
Have a good day.
WOMAN 1: Take that load, too.
WOMAN 2: Do you need the rake? MAN 1: Good, spread it around.
MAN 2: Yeah.
WOMAN 2: I'll bring it out.
Now what do you think? I think you better get out the plunger and pray.
These roots are clogging the whole neighborhood.
Bye, Poopsie.
So this is your international television empire.
Channel 89 is the hottest new independent in the LA market.
Sort of a bare-bones operation.
(LAUGHS) Exactly.
Low overhead, high visibility.
In its first week, Count Phil's Creature Theater nearly matched the share of Channel 74's Bass Fishin' with Bo.
Yeah, there's only one problem.
You can't count on fickle viewers? No, I can't count on the Count.
Phil's a little flaky.
Last week, he spent the entire program with his hand in Vampirina's cleavage.
Yeah, we're looking for someone to step into his fangs.
Count lan? Play your cards right, kid, I'll make you a king.
A crowning career opportunity.
Yeah, so what do you say? There's a cape waiting out there with your name on it.
As flattering as it is, I must decline.
I'm just visiting.
I see.
You didn't come to la-la land just to take my studio tour.
I'm keeping an eye on a friend.
Oh, I see.
And your hands, and your lips and your (LAUGHS) We're just friends.
Actually, we're a bit more than friends.
Close, intimate friends.
Close intimate friends scorch sheets, pal.
I kid.
But seriously, wouldn't you like your own TV series? Well, if I did, it would be a forum for the discussion of mythological issues.
A talk show.
Yes, where I'd interview innovators of the field.
Scholars.
Devil worshipers.
Researchers.
Hermaphrodites.
Academics of the highest order.
Women with big hooters.
Good to see we're on the same wavelength.
I love it! I'm getting hot flashes here.
This has got everything.
It's got hype, horror and hooters.
Essential ingredients for socially-responsible television.
Now, all we need is a name.
The lan Matheson Show has a nice ring to it.
No, no, no, something hip.
Something flashy.
Oprah.
Geraldo.
Lan.
Lan just doesn't work.
Have you ever thought of changing your name? No.
All right.
Try Stryker.
Walk with it, roll with it, see how it plays.
Maybe take it to dinner and ask it to dance? Yeah.
Have your girl call my girl.
We'll do breakfast.
Breakfast is for losers.
We'll take a pre-dawn surf meeting.
Bring your board.
Cowabunga.
(CLATTERS) (MEOWS) Oh, my Ellen was right.
(RUMBLING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Randi? I'm home.
I'm in here, honey.
That's a new look for you.
I found this new recipe for meatloaf supreme.
The secret is in a can of cream of mushroom soup.
Imagine that.
I can't wait to try it.
Now you, sit down while I bring you a drink.
(EXHALES) How was your day? Oh, I rooted around the closet for a few hours.
How was yours? Top-notch.
(SIGHS) I've been here one day already and had my first offer of stardom.
(BUZZING) You know I think I could get to like living in California.
Cheers.
(MAN SCREAMING) WOMAN: Please.
Please.
Waiting for communications from your home planet? (CHUCKLES) Waiting for Who's the Boss? That Italian guy is a riot.
That satellite dish is for interstellar communications, isn't it? Do you have any idea how bad television reception is down here? Now we get 650 stations.
Now we get The Facts of Life You aren't aliens? They're evil trolls from the center of the Earth.
We are human beings! At least we were until a wizard turned us into trolls.
And banished us to the Earth's core.
So, what's the problem? How would you like to live down here for centuries? How would you like to eat earthworms? Well, that would depend on if I was a troll or not.
(SNARLS) It's taken us a thousand years to dig our way to the surface, and to develop the Transformamatic.
Thanks to a few stolen vacuum tubes, some photocopier components and just a smidgen of plutonium, we don't have to be trolls any longer.
Come inside.
Showtime! Get over there, and get out of my way! (SCREAMING) A thing of beauty.
Certainly an improvement.
Now we can walk amongst you without being noticed.
And take over the world? World, schmorld.
All the Big Macs we can eat.
Crystal-clear television reception.
Suburban track homes for the taking.
A pretty slave or two.
What more does a troll need? A good skin cream? Then again, world domination, that's not a bad idea.
Good move, ace.
I like the sound of that one.
And we'll kill anyone who gets in our way! (WATCH BEEPING) Facts of Life is on.
It's a big decision.
Do I choose fame, sunny skies, a new name? Or do I stick with the foggy West End, academic obscurity and the warmth of the family hearth? But, more importantly, what do you intend to do? Perhaps you should re-evaluate your academic goals.
You're a werewolf, do you really need a mythology degree? What do you think? I think it's time for dessert.
Will I like it? Yes, it's smashing.
(DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Is it Halloween already? Randi, fetch the sweets.
(SCREAMS) You call that sweet? (EXHALES) You are a remarkable judge of character.
I take it back.
(CHANTING) (CROAKING) We have to talk.
(CHUCKLES) (GROWLING) Why haven't you tried to escape? To where? We could be anywhere in a thousand miles of tunnels.
Besides, they'll try to kill us.
I'm Baldrik Exmachina.
Grand Wizard of the Glowing Oracle.
But the magicians of the Glowing Oracle disbanded thousands of years ago.
I keep fit.
Which is more than I can say for you.
(LAUGHS) Indeed.
Nobody's perfect.
Take for instance those poor folks with forked tongues.
They aren't people.
They're trolls.
Somehow they've learned how to transform themselves into anyone.
So that isn't my friend Randi hopping around the living room? It's one of those evil gypsies I turned into trolls and exiled into the center of the Earth.
Ah, that's a relief.
They were supposed to stay down there forever.
Oh, well, we all make mistakes.
Just turn them into frogs and rescue my friend, and it'll be our little secret.
(LAUGHS) That's easier said than done.
But, uh, well, I've got to be face to face with them to accomplish it.
Well, why didn't you show up a week ago? Well, I didn't sense they had escaped until yesterday.
Oh, I only hope I'm not too late.
Let's get this over with.
Where are we going? "There's too much crime in the city," he says.
"Let's get away from the dirt and the danger," he says.
"Let's start a new life in the suburbs," he says.
How was I supposed to know there were trolls in California, honey? I knew we never should have left New York City.
Would you two stop arguing, please? Oh, goodie.
Little Miss Mary Sunshine has another pearl of wisdom for us.
We have to stay together if we're going to be united against the trolls.
Shh! They're gonna hear you.
Let them hear me! Let them all hear me! Look, are you crazy? You wanna get us killed? Listen up, trolls.
We've had enough.
And we're not going to take this anymore! (SNARLS) What's going on here? Everybody get back to work.
No! We're not slaves.
We're human beings.
I'd like to let you know that she's speaking only for herself.
Listen, if you've seen our television, you know this, the human spirit is indomitable.
And you could chain us, but you can't chain our souls.
And no matter what you do, we will be free! So, everybody, throw down your tools! (TROLLS SNARLING) Throw them! Throw down your tools.
Now what do you say? I think you're absolutely right.
She is? She is? I am? You are.
Yeah, you are.
The human spirit is indomitable, yeah, and it was wrong of me to make you all my slaves.
ALL: Yeah! Yeah! I have decided to kill you instead.
(TROLL LAUGHING) That's two, Einstein.
It's yabba-dabba-doo time! I command thee back, knave! Baldrik! Lan! Hi, honey, I'm home.
These must be the new neighbors.
Lan Matheson.
I see you've met Poopsie.
This is no time for jokes.
Nonsense.
You watch this.
I should have destroyed you eons ago, but pity stayed my hand.
Who is this guy? Long story.
Have mercy on us, we're harmless.
Not in this form, you're not.
But you will be when you are all, uh, frogs! Frogs! Uh-oh.
Uh-oh? Baldrik, good to see you.
(CACKLES) This long story, does it have a happy ending? Not anymore.
All right, all right.
Come along.
Inside, inside, yes! Inside, yes! Yes! Won't hurt a bit.
Always wanted a beard like that.
(LAUGHS) My turn! My turn! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Oh, that feels great.
(LAUGHING) You didn't know your magic wand doesn't work underground? Well, I never had a chance to do it underground.
Well, you could have read the manual.
Now, now, don't argue.
You have to learn to get along.
You're going to be together down here for a very long time.
See how you like eternal damnation.
Mere iron bars can't restrain the indomitable human spirit.
That's why once we're above, we're sealing these caverns, forever.
Brilliant.
Are you two related? If you manage to escape this cell, doubtful.
And if you dig your way to the surface, impossible.
It won't matter.
It'll be our world then.
I have this now.
And no manual.
I'll wing it.
Have a pleasant eternity.
Anyone bring a deck of cards? This is not at all how I imagined California.
Well, that's all right, I never thought moving to England would mean becoming a werewolf, battling ghosts and witches, zombies.
(SIGHS) Well, you just can't trust tourist brochures anymore.
But if I had to do it all again, I don't think I'd do anything differently.
Not even the curse? Well, maybe the curse.
But not if it meant that we couldn't be together.
To say you changed my life would be an understatement.
You wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for me.
You saw through me? I always have.
Then you know how I feel about you? Well, I wouldn't mind hearing it just to be sure.
If I had to do it all over again Oh, I am gonna throw up.
Can't you do something, bonehead? Like what? Wait a minute.
Didn't the magicians of the Glowing Oracle entertain themselves with small feats of magic? Well, there was this old parlor trick we used to do for laughs.
Well, I think we could do with a few laughs.
I'm not sure I even remember how it goes.
(CHANTING) Ow.
(CHANTING) Oh, I get it.
All the other wizards were laughing at you.
(CHANTING) Ha! A key.
Good man! WOMAN: Thank God.
MAN: Thank you.
MAN: Get out of here.
Come on.
Let's get up there and kick some troll butt.
That's the first intelligent thing you've said.
MAN: All right! All right! Give me a hand.
Uh-oh! Not bad for a troll who's winging it, huh? We're gonna be in here forever.
You got a trick for this? BALDRIK: I'm afraid not.
MAN: We gotta get out of here.
Come on, stay close.
WOMAN: Yeah.
IAN: Do you have an idea? You're gonna love it.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (CHATTERING) (MOUTHING) This is the last earthworm I'll ever eat.
Think again.
No hard feelings? None at all.
(FROGS CROAKING) Say, I don't suppose I could convince you to transform them into something a bit more appealing? Like what? Oh, I don't know.
Perhaps something in a very daring bikini? IAN: Do you swear there was nothing vindictive about turning me into a worm? No, of course not.
It was just It was just a way to get through the dirt.
Well, it did give me the opportunity to see what it's like being a Hollywood producer.
Gee, I'm gonna miss suburbia.
(SIRENS BLARING) Not half as much as it's going to miss you.
So, lan Do you think we're a failure as a married couple? Perhaps we just need a little more practice.
What sort of exercise did you have in mind? FIREMAN 1: You okay in there? FIREMAN 2: Check it out.
Let's go.
Head upstairs.
Let's go.
Yeah, I guess so.
Practice makes perfect.
IAN: So you're saying that Merlin was not a mythical articulation of the society's repressed anxiety over the oppressive expression of Catholicism? I'm saying Merlin was a jerk, always borrowing wands and never returning them.
And he had no idea how to host a good virgin sacrifice.
Did anyone ever tell you, you have Garbo's eyes? Many times.
Anyone ever tell you, you have Bacall's hips? That's a first.
And so that's our show for today.
I'd like to thank our guest, Baldrik Exmachina, Grand Wizard of the Glowing Oracle, for joining us.
My pleasure.
Remember, if you've encountered the supernatural, tackled the bizarre or delved into the unreal, we want to hear from you.
I'm Dr.
Lan Matheson bidding you adieu.
Thank you.
You know, you could be my head of development.
I'm leaving town.
Oh, not on my account.
Well, it's certainly a strong incentive.
And you thought a lively debate about mythology would be dull.
Well, I got to admit.
The old coot was pretty good.
Next time, can you find a coot with hooters? I'll roll with it, walk with it, see how it plays.
(LAUGHS) I love this man.
(PURRING) Next time? Who is he kidding? Look, we gotta hurry or we'll miss our flight.
Hey, why rush? You wanna miss the plane? I was thinking we might stay for a while.
Stay? It beats waiting for the university to phase me out, and besides, think how many people we can reach with this show.
People who might just lead us to your cure.
You'd give up your professor's robes for me? Oh, why stop there? I'll take off anything you like.
But I'd never graduate.
True, but we'd be together.
Assuming you're willing to stay, of course.
I take that as a yes.
Oh, I don't know.
I think you should wine and dine me, just to play it safe.
Oh, I always play it safe.
Where to? I don't know.
It'll be an adventure.
No doubt.