The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e15 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
Ever see such
hairdos in all your life?
And when Millie Parsons
walked into church
with that hair
I come near dropping
my hymn book.
I couldn't believe it, either.
After being a brunette
all these years?
Aunt Bee, can I
have a candy bar?
No, dear.
I suppose she thinks
those blonde streaks in her hair
make her look younger
so our new postman will
give her a second look.
Anybody who'd give
Millie a second look
would know those blonde
tips came straight from a bottle.
I declare, it's disgusting
the way some women
try to be what they aren't.
Why can't I have a candy bar?
Because you can't, Opie.
Now, stop interrupting elders
when they're talking.
Here you are, Emma.
I'll put it on your bill.
It comes to $1.34.
60 cents for toothpaste,
29 cents for rubbing alcohol,
45 cents for peroxide.
I only use it for gargling.
I'm one person that
doesn't try to hide her age.
I'm in my 40s and I admit it.
Golly, Aunt Bee.
She's way younger than you are.
She's in her 40s
and you're already
Opie, why don't
you go over there
and get yourself a candy bar.
I just didn't want
the boy to hear.
Speaking of people
trying to hide their age,
do you know the real reason
Rose Blake went to Raleigh?
No, why?
I thought she went
up visited her niece.
That's her story.
I happen to know
she went to buy
a new set of teeth.
She is the vainest thing.
( gasping)
( women whispering excitedly)
Morning, ladies.
My goodness,
don't you look happy.
Must be cutting
somebody up pretty good.
Oh, I was just funnin'.
Howdy, Fred.
Could I have some sulfa powder?
Andy, are you hurt?
Oh, no.
Barney just cut his finger
a lil bit taking his gun apart.
I don't want him
getting an infection.
Here's a sample.
You might as well
sprinkle the whole thing on it.
All right, much obliged, Fred.
Bye, ladies.
Bye, Andy.
Just a little cut.
Andy come running
all the way over here
for sulfa powder.
All the way?
Emma, the courthouse
is just across the street.
All the same,
I think there's more to this
than meets the eye.
Oh, he says it's a
scratch on his finger,
but I notice he's calling on
one of those miracle drugs
to heal Barney.
My dear, I was right there
when Andy came rushing in.
Barney got his hand
caught in the revolver
and got hisself a
serious infection.
Well, the way I heard it,
Barney was cleaning
his gun or something,
and he ripped his arm
clear up to his shoulder.
Did you hear the terrible news?
Barney Fife shot
himself in the chest.
How's your finger?
Oh, all right, I guess.
I suppose that sulfa
powder will fix it up.
Yeah, they say
that's good stuff.
You think it'd be all right
if I took the bandage off
and let the air to it?
They say the air's good for it.
Yeah, it'd be all right
if you don't let
the dirt get in it.
( groans)
Let me see it.
Oh, it looks fine.
Where you looking?
It isn't there, it's over here.
Where?
Right there.
Oh, right there?
No, right here.
Oh, that looks fine.
Think so?
Yeah.
I hope so, it's
my trigger finger.
I lose that, I might as
well leave the business.
( telephone rings)
Get that, will you?
Sheriff's office.
Are we aware of what?!
Well who?
What's that?
Somebody just
called to say I'm dead.
You're what?
That call.
They said Barney Fife
shot himself in the chest.
( laughing): You did?
You'd think I'd know it
if I shot myself in the chest,
wouldn't you? That'd smart.
( laughing)
I'd think so.
They had you all
laid out, did they?
Yeah. Will you imagine that?
The dumb bunnies.
So now you're dead.
Yeah.
I'll be darned.
You couldn't have been very old.
No.
Well, they say only
the good die young.
That's right.
Yesterday you looked so healthy.
Yeah, felt good.
Yeah, yesterday
laughing and happy.
Had everything in
the world to live for.
Yeah, yeah, well
yesterday laughing
and happy and today
( snaps)
Actually, I don't
think it's too funny.
For he was a
jolly good fellow ♪
I mean, when you stop
and think about it, Andy,
uh actually
What's the matter?
Well, I mean, it's
not a joking matter.
Well, we all have
to go sometime.
I know, will you stop it, Andy?
Well, Barney, I
was just funnin'.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you were fun.
You're funny all right.
You're a scream.
You ought to get a job
on one of those excursion boats.
Oh, Barney
Oh, Andy oh, Andy,
we heard the terrible
news about Barney.
Everybody's talking about it.
We came just as soon as we
Barney!
You're standing!
You're darn right I'm standing.
Anything wrong with that?
But word's got around
that you shot yourself.
They say you're gone.
Well, I ain't.
I'm right here.
Barney Fife in the flesh.
Not much, maybe, but I'm here.
Oh, land's sakes.
How did such a
story get out anyhow?
You mean, you don't know?
No. How could we?
Well, when I come in
the drugstore this morning
to get some sulfa
powder for Barney's finger,
they was just three
women present.
They was you two
and Clara Lindsey.
Now, you was the only
ones that heard me say
about Barney
having this small cut.
So?
So, from a small
cut, it took you all
exactly three-and-a-half
hours to get him killed off.
You make it sound like
we're nothing but gossips.
According to you, the
Lord made two sexes.
Men and blabbermouths.
Oh, that was well put, Aunt Bee.
Well put.
It was very clever.
Oh, be quiet.
I suppose you're not
capable of gossiping.
Oh, oh, I guess
we're capable all right,
but somehow or another, it
just don't come as natural to us
as it does to you all.
Oh, really?!
Oh, I can't stand it.
Come along, Emma.
( speaking indignantly)
Sheriff, in your time of need,
it might be a comfort to know
that Monroe's Mortuary
is ready to serve.
We all know the
great loss that you
you
Barney, you're still with us.
You're darn right
I'm still with us.
And I'm gonna stay a long time!
Well, in that case, I'd
better move my vehicle.
It's backed up to your door.
Out! Out!
What really irritates me
is that they're
so smug about it.
What irritates me,
it's just not true.
We don't gossip.
We just pass along news.
Well, Emma, let's admit it.
By the time it's
made the full circle
it has grown a bit.
You know how we add
( bumping)
Yes, sir, what can I do for you?
Root beer, if you please.
It gets mighty
dusty on the road.
Passing through
Mayberry, are you?
Well, no, not exactly.
I'll be staying a day or so
if things go well.
Well, good luck to you.
Thank you.
I don't suppose
either of you ladies
would care to buy
a pair of shoes?
I beg your pardon?
That's what I sell, shoes.
I guess you've got all
the shoes you need.
Thank you for your courtesy.
Oh, if you should know of anyone
that would like to
buy a pair of shoes,
I have a complete line
that I'd be glad to show
under no obligation.
Thank you.
I'm staying at the hotel.
My goodness.
That's the tamest
traveling salesman
I ever did see.
Oh, Emma.
"Wilbur Finch.
Representative of The
Manhattan Shoe Company."
New York City. Hmm.
What were we talking about?
Oh, yes, gossip.
Now, Emma, you know
men do the same thing.
We can't hold a candle
to some of the stories
that have come out
of Floyd's barbershop.
Don't I know it.
Never mind, Fred.
Aunt Bee, I might be
a little late for supper.
Me and Barney
have to take a little run
up to the Baxter place.
Oh, what's going on up there?
Oh, a little official business.
Yeah, some durn trespasser
stole his "no trespassing" sign.
( laughing)
Darn you, that's funny.
Oh, who was that,
who was that stranger
that was just in here?
Oh, I don't know
other than that he's a shoe
salesman from New York City.
Is that all you know about him?
Of course, what
more should we know?
Oh, come on, now.
Two busy tongues and
four sharp ears like you got?
Oh, well, really!
Andy Taylor, I don't like
the way you're talking.
Don't pay any
attention to him, Emma.
He's just trying to irritate us.
All we know about him
is that he's a shoe
salesman from New York City.
Oh, all right.
At least, that's
what he says he is.
You got some cause
to believe he ain't?
Hmm, no.
Only that, uh
"Only?" Now, "only" what?
Well, nothing really.
Except that it seems strange
that a man should come
all the way from New York
to sell shoes in Mayberry.
Well, what's strange about that?
A fella's got a
right to sell shoes
anyplace he wants to.
Sure, it's a free country.
All right.
It just seemed a little
odd to me, that's all.
He didn't try very hard
to sell us any shoes.
Certainly didn't act like
any traveling salesman
I ever saw.
Now, there you go again.
Trying to build
something out of nothing.
( laughing)
What was all that for?
You know he's a shoe salesman.
I thought I'd
plant a little doubt
in that conceited male mind.
Do you think he might start
making something out of that?
Oh, Emma, I don't think. I know.
Hey, Andy.
Huh?
Why do you suppose
a feller'd come all
the way down here
from New York to sell shoes?
I mean, most salesmen
that come around here
are from Raleigh or Richmond,
someplace like that.
Well, this one happens
to come from New York.
Now, Barney, you ain't
going to be so thin-headed
as to let them women get to you
with their rumors, are you?
Oh, no, no. What
do you think I am,
naive or something?
I know what the score is.
It's just that, well,
Mayberry is 900
miles from New York.
Now, why would a
feller drag his shoes
all the way down here?
Our feet ain't that special.
Barney.
All right, forget it.
( quietly): Forget it.
Hey, Andy!
You're going past the car.
I know it.
Why, Andy we're going
out to the Baxter
place, aren't we?
No, we're going
in the hotel here.
What for?
To find out about this so-called
New York shoe salesman.
"Manhattan Shoe Company."
Looks like he's sticking
to that story all the way.
What is it, Sheriff?
You can trust me.
Isn't he really a shoe salesman?
I wouldn't be too sure, Jason.
Well, he even give
me his business card.
Well, there's been fake
cards printed up before.
Could be the old
fake card dodge.
Shrewd observation, Barney.
Thank you.
Listen, Sheriff.
The key question is,
if he ain't a shoe salesman,
what business would
a fella from New York
have clear down
here in Mayberry?
Now, look, Jason,
you're a hotel man.
Now, this is police business.
You just leave this to us, okay?
Now, Andy, the way I see it,
the key question is,
if he ain't a shoe salesman,
what business would
a fella from New York
have clear down
here in Mayberry?
But, I-I just said that.
Jason, if you don't mind.
Yeah, yeah. Jason, you
keep an eye on this fella
and let us know if he's
up to anything unusual.
Gotcha.
Oh, and better keep
this under your hat.
Oh?
Yeah, it's official
business, so
Gotcha.
Here he comes.
Act casual.
( louder): We'll see you, Jason.
See you around, Jase.
( laughs)
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Well, Mr. Finch.
Going out to sell shoes?
Might as well try and
get in a few calls today.
By the way, could I have a
television set in my room?
Sorry. We don't have any.
Oh, dear, I must
find one for tonight.
You must, huh?
Yes.
Television is mighty
important to me.
And he seemed real disappointed
when I told him we
had no television.
Said television is
"mighty important" to him.
Well, that's strange, all right.
Mighty peculiar.
Shh-shh-shh.
I just tried to rent
a television set.
Couldn't get one.
Well, I'll see you, gentlemen.
( all talking at once)
He ain't with the
Manhattan Shoe Company.
Television business!
That's what he's in.
You know that
television program,
that Manhattan Show Time?
That's his show.
It adds up.
You know what this fellow is?
A television producer?!
Andy, Andy, guess what?
Aunt Bee, you was right
about that Finch fella.
He's not a shoe salesman at all.
Ooh! He isn't?
No. You'll never
guess what he really is.
Oh, but I'm awfully
anxious to hear.
Okay, you ready?
Mm-hmm.
He's a big,
important talent scout
from The Manhattan Show
Time television program.
Well, I was wondering
what he'd turn out to be.
How about that!
Oh, I find this
very interesting,
and so will Emma.
Yeah, ain't this somethin'?
I'll see you, Aunt Bee.
This is a real opportunity.
Oh, I agree with him there.
Nothing like this has
happened in Mayberry before.
Well, I sure want
this Finch fella
to hear my daughter
play the accordion.
He could make her a star.
What about my
Margaret the bird-caller?
Fellas, I'm closing shop.
I got to get on home
and oil the stops on
my boy's saxophone.
Hey, I got my harmonica ready.
Now-now wait, now wait.
Now-now, this fella's
trying to keep his
mission a secret.
Now, the worst thing you can do
is go charging over
there and scare him off.
Well, you mean, we
can't audition for him?
Well, what's the
good of a talent scout
coming here if we
( all talking at once)
Well, now wait a minute.
I didn't say you
can't audition for him.
All I said is, you have
to be clever about it.
Now, this Finch fellow
wants you to think
that he's a shoe salesman.
Just go along with that.
That's a good idea.
Everybody can
use a pair of shoes.
( all laughing)
Desk?
This is Mr. Finch.
Will you get my
bill ready, please?
Yes, I'm checking out.
I know I had planned
on staying longer, but
( knocking on door)
Come in.
There's really no reason to.
Thank you.
Yes?
Hi.
You didn't get
around to our place,
so we come here.
Why?
What for?
To buy shoes.
You want to buy shoes from me?
That's what you're
selling, isn't it?
Well, yes I-I certainly
well, come on in.
Gosh.
What kind of shoes do you want?
Oh, the best you got.
A pair for me
and a pair for the boy, eh?
Well, now that's something.
Sit down. Sit down over there.
Oh, oh where?
Over there.
Oh, thank you.
Right in there. Yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, dear.
Uh, son, while we're here,
why not give us a little music.
Why don't you play us
a little bit of that
sax-a-mania.
( playing simple song)
( plays wrong note)
( playing falters)
( playing correctly)
( playing continues)
( all talking)
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Now, I believe he's
finishing with Floyd.
Now get ready, whoever's next.
Good luck, Barney.
Shh! Shh!
Here's your receipt, sir.
Thank you very much.
Will we be hearing
from you soon?
Why, yes, the shoes
will be coming along
in about ten days. C.O.D.
The shoes, what shoes?
Oh, oh, the shoes.
Oh, oh! Mustn't
forget those shoes.
Are you sure you don't want
my son to give you
another little tune?
No, no, no.
Those three tunes
were very nice.
You hear that, Randall?
That means a lot
coming from a
man like Mr. Finch.
Good-bye, Mr. Finch.
( closes door)
I was proud of you, boy.
Oh, you should have heard him
( whispering): Just
keep your voices down.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Everybody, stay back, now.
Barney, you're next.
Good luck.
( knocks)
Howdy. I'd like to
buy a pair of shoes.
Really?
Yeah.
Well
( blows chord)
What'll it be?
Well, what kind of
shoes do you want?
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
I almost forgot.
Oh, something black and white,
size 7-1/2 B.
Oh, we've got a very
good black and white here.
Now, just a minute.
Let me find
Oh, here it is, right here.
This is very popular.
Will you sit down over there?
Oh, sure. Yeah.
Okay.
You know, there's something
about ordering a
pair of shoes that
( laughing)
Take it easy on
the arches there.
I'm a little bit ticklish.
Yeah, there's something
about ordering a pair of shoes
that sort of makes me feel
like playing the harmonica.
Really?
What'll it be?
"I'm Just a Vagabond Lover"?
"Animal Crackers"?
"Finiculee, Finicula"?
How about this one.
( playing
unrecognizable tune)
Okay, Shh! Shh!
Back up. Here he comes.
Honey, you were wonderful.
He couldn't take
his eyes off of you.
Oh, you should have
seen her. She was so
That's right, Mr. Simmons.
67 pairs in all.
Really?
A company record
for a day's sale?
Um, my.
Hmm?
How did I do it?
Well, Mr. Simmons, you
say the good salesman
must have personal magnetism,
and when you've got
people knocking on your door
and serenading you
while they're buying,
why, I guess you've got it.
Certainly fine,
having you with us.
We sure hope you
come back soon, will you?
Yes, sir.
( all talking)
All right, come back now.
Look at them.
And they have the nerve to say
we made something
out of nothing?
Oh!
( all talking)
Well, it was mighty nice
having you. Come back, now.
Well, sir, I just want to say
this has been the most
successful trip I've ever had.
Well, we think we got a lot
of talent here in Mayberry.
Hmm?
Oh, singers and dancers.
Oh, yes. Very good.
Very good indeed. Well
( starting engine)
Uh, Mr. Finch.
Uh, you think any of them
are good enough
to go on television?
Oh, yes. I think they
all are good enough.
( engine revving)
( all murmuring)
Well, I just want to say that
Mayberry appreciates you.
Well, I appreciate Mayberry.
I don't mind admitting
that I was just about washed
up as a shoe salesman.
And then coming
to this friendly town
with the response you gave me,
all those sales
Well, there'll be no
stopping me from now on.
Bless you all.
Did you hear that?
He really is a shoe salesman.
How come you thought
he was a talent scout, Andy?
Where'd you get such a notion?
Where did I get such a notion?
Why, why, why, it was
Barney that told me
Me? No, no, no.
Jason called me.
Floyd, you said
( all arguing)
Hello, Andy.
Hey, Aunt Bee.
Why, Sheriff Taylor,
where is that famous
sunny disposition?
The cheery smile
and the twinkling eye?
Oh, I know, I know
Now, don't tell me.
I should've understood.
It's the natural disappointment
at realizing you're not
going to play your guitar
on The Manhattan Show
Time program after all.
Oh, I do sympathize, Andy
Now, just a short
minute, Aunt Bee.
What makes you
think I was one of 'em
that run up there and
auditioned for that Finch feller?
Didn't you?
Why, Aunt
Hi, Andy. Oh, hi, Aunt Bee.
Say, I just dropped
by the post office.
Look what come for you
Three pairs of shoes you
ordered from that Finch feller.
Say, how many times
did you play for him?