The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e15 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way they all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
No more milk? No.
There's never anything
to eat around here.
Hey, how about some help
unloading the supply train.
Bought any cookies?
That's like asking Garcia
if he's got any messages.
Tomatoes?!
That's for grownups.
The good stuff's always at the bottom.
Not always. Look what I got
Checker trading stamps.
Whoops.
There must be two pages worth here.
What are you doing there?
We're saving them.
So are we.
We've been saving them
ever since we were little kids.
PETER: Listen, we
only got about 40 books
to go to get a rowboat.
Well, we're getting something sensible:
A sewing machine.
Sewing machine?!
Ha!
That's for girls.
Well, what do you think we are?
All right, everybody, hold it.
I've been afraid of this
but as long as the moment has come
Who gets custody of these?
( All oohing )
Come on, kids.
That's it. Hurry up.
( Sighs )
My feet hurt.
Listen, the next time I take you two
to a department store on bargain day
would you remind me of something?
What, Mommy?
Not to.
Oh, the peace and quiet of home.
( Kids shouting and arguing )
That doesn't sound very quiet.
And not very peace.
The word is "peaceful."
You two go on upstairs. Hurry up.
GREG: Go ahead, give
one logical, intelligent reason
why you should have all those stamps.
'Cause they come from groceries
and taking care of groceries
is a woman's job.
Yeah, well, eating them is a man's job.
I think maybe I should've kept
my big drawer shut.
Greg, have you boys
been saving up for something, too?
A silly old rowboat.
Well, now, Marcia, I don't
think a rowboat is silly.
You're darn right.
It's not like a dumb, old sewing machine.
A sewing machine is
certainly not anything
that can be called dumb.
Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad.
Excuse me.
I got to see a dog about a bath.
Mom, we've always been
Dad, you know how long
we've been saving.
There's a simple answer to this
that'll make everybody happy
split them up.
Of course.
Okay. But I'll do it.
Oh, no, you won't. I will.
Kids, kids
Okay, we'll both do it.
Come on, for goodness sakes, smile.
Your problem's solved.
Oh, see?
One big, happy family.
Now, where'd I put that brush?
Hey, come back here.
Here, Tiger.
Hey, you're getting the floor all wet!
What's the matter with you, Tiger?
You usually enjoy a bath
and believe me, this is going
to be a good one.
Yuck.
( Sighs )
Hey, who took those two big
batches of stamps I had here?
Not me.
Well, did you see them, Bobby?
( Grunts )
What's the matter?
I got to spit.
Blecch!
This is boring.
Not if you make pictures.
See? A horse.
MARCIA: Hey, I can't find
those stamps.
They were just here.
Okay, who took them?
Who took what?
A whole bunch of our stamps
just disappeared.
That's very interesting.
A bunch of our stamps are missing.
You putting me on?
Did you see them, Jan?
Oh, pulling that one, huh?
Trying to make
it look like we did what you did.
Well, if you want to know what I think,
I think you did what you just said we did.
Boys are tricky.
Okay, I think we've had
about enough of this.
It's one thing to be
selfish about these stamps
but to start accusing each other
of swiping them is something else.
But Dad,
they were right out there on the patio.
Well, maybe the wind blew them away.
It wasn't windy.
There's no breeze in here.
Someone must have taken them.
Right. They didn't just walk away.
You want to bet?
Hey, that's right, he was out on the patio.
He was in here, too.
Hey, those are my stamps.
They are not.
Yes, they are. Are not!
( Kids shouting )
Oh, what are we going to
do about the kids, honey?
The way they were grabbing
those stamps from each other
Well, Mike, didn't you ever want
trading stamps when you were a boy?
When I was a boy, I didn't know
what trading stamps were.
Money either, for that matter.
Well, I must admit,
it does bother me that
they're taking sides.
Like enemy camps.
Look at them.
Underneath those friendly smiles
lurk the Hatfields and the McCoys.
Mike
Yes.
Mike, yes, what?
I think I have an idea, but
But what?
Well, sorry, before it's official,
I have to get some approval.
All right, we'll start with the girls first.
You couldn't care less
about a rowboat, right?
Who wants a rowboat?
Yuck!
Yeah, yuck!
Well, I'm sure the boys
feel the same way
about a sewing machine, right?
Right. A sewing machine's
not good for nothing.
Anything.
It is so good for something.
What? Sewing.
That's nothing.
Not as nothing as a rowboat.
Thank you very much.
You have just proved my point.
Now, wouldn't it be nicer
if we started treating
each other as one family
instead of "we," "they," "you" or "us"?
I guess so.
Yeah.
All right. Well, now, let's
all pitch in and put
all of our books together
and get one gift for the benefit
of the entire family.
Hey, we can get something right away.
We've already got 40 books.
And we've got 54.
That makes
78 books.
No, it doesn't.
It makes 87.
It's 94, and why don't
you both keep quiet
and let Mom talk.
Thank you, Peter.
Now that we're all in agreement
here are the catalogues
one for you and one for you.
Oh, great, we can pick out
the best thing for all of us.
We can get something wonderful
for 94 books.
Honey, it's a great idea.
The important thing is
they're picking it out together.
At least they're on the
same side for a change.
Dad? Mom
Well, has the jury reached a decision?
Yeah. Finally.
I'll bet you we went through
this catalogue five times.
Every time they wanted something,
we wanted something else.
Until we finally agreed on one thing.
Well, that's great.
Right. What'd you agree on?
To let Mom choose it.
Oh.
Is that okay, Dad?
Oh, well, sure, sure.
What do you mean, "Mom"?
Good. Now we don't have
to argue anymore.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot.
Well, now you've solved their problem.
All you have to do is worry
about solving your problem.
What do you mean, "your problem"?
Listen, you heard the minister
say, "for better or for worse."
It's our problem.
( Mutters ): Oh. Well
Mike, I found it the
ideal thing for everyone.
Great. What is it?
A grandfather clock.
A what?
A grandfather clock.
I heard you, I just don't believe it.
Well, it's perfect.
I can just imagine telling the boys
we're getting a grandfather clock.
Well, we can put it in the hall
and then everyone can see it.
The boys don't look at clocks.
They say, "Dad, what time is it?"
No, this isn't going to be easy.
There are
Hey, here's the perfect thing.
Perfect for everybody, boys and girls.
What is it?
A pool table.
A what? For girls?
Listen, when I was in college
I went out with a girl who was
a very good pool player.
I'm not interested
in the lurid women of your past.
Besides, I don't know how to play pool
and neither do the girls.
Well, no sense in staying up
half the night.
You're right. Let's get some sleep.
Good night, honey.
Good night, dear.
After all, what difference
can a day make?
CAROL: Good morning, Alice.
Might even say a beautiful morning.
Morning.
There's something there
you ought to see.
From your tone, some
kind of bad news, right?
Right. Don't want to hear it.
I'm in too good a mood.
We decided to take our time
about those premiums
for the trading stamps.
Yeah, and if we take long enough,
they may each have 94 books, right?
Wrong. Uh-oh.
Wrong it is.
Mike, what is it?
Oh, no.
Well, this family better
make up its mind, and quick,
or they'll be out of premiums.
We'd better break the bad news
to the kids.
REPORTER ( on radio ):
And the company advised
redeeming their stamps
as quickly as possible,
with the last day of the month
the definite deadline.
To repeat, Checker trading stamp
corporation
announced late yesterday
redeeming their stamps
as quickly as possible
I have the feeling the news
has already been broken.
Come on, you guys,
we got to pick out something
before that Checker stamp place
runs out of merchandise.
Girls, that's what's making it rough.
It's easy to figure out what boys want.
Maybe that's 'cause we're boys.
Now look, you guys,
whether we like it or not.
Mom and Dad said we had to
pick out something we all want
and that includes the girls.
Hey, how about a diving board?
We don't even have
a swimming pool, dummy.
I know. That's what makes it
just as good for the girls
as it is for us.
Forget it.
Hey, how about a set of electric trains?
You know, with switches
and tracks that crisscross?
For girls?
We can put curtains on the windows.
Hey, yeah.
No.
No?
No.
Boy, Santa Claus
sure must have it rough
when he's got to go to a girl's house.
Hey, how about a nice, big hair dryer?
Cindy, boys don't use hair dryers.
They should.
Boys have longer hair
than girls these days.
Hey. Wait a minute.
How about? What?
No. Forget it.
Ah. Anything?
Not yet.
I sure wish they'd hurry up
and agree on something.
Well, they better, or they're
going to be redoing their rooms
with Checkered stamp wallpaper.
Excuse me, folks,
I thought you'd like to know
I just saw the boys
go into the girls' room.
Let's hope they arrive at a settlement.
Well, at least they're having
a meaningful dialogue.
Hey, sounds like
the platoon leaders are coming.
Good luck.
MARCIA: I thinks so.
Me, too.
Mom, Dad, we've got the answer.
I got it.
All right, he got it, but I agreed to it.
Well, come on. Tell us. What is it?
We decided on the rowboat
or the sewing machine.
That we know, but which one?
Either one.
Either?
Well, you know it's got
to be one or the other.
That's where the contest comes in.
Contest?
Boys against the girls. Winner take all.
Don't you realize that's going
to leave somebody out in the cold?
We know that. Sure.
Well, as long as both sides
are willing to take the risk,
I guess it's okay.
The only problem we've got
is what kind of contest.
That's fair to both of us.
Well, that shouldn't
be too hard, should it?
I have it. Ping-Pong.
No. That wouldn't be fair to the girls.
Peter's a champ.
How about a swimming contest?
Real fair, huh?
After you won the 100 meter
freestyle last year.
Oh, that's right. I did, didn't I?
Excuse me, I have some dusting to do.
At this time of night?
Well, you won't be having this
conversation tomorrow morning.
( laughing )
Here's one a relay race.
Oh, sure. Why don't you just
offer to run against Cindy?
Hopscotch?
Marcia, that would be like
my challenging your father
to an embroidery contest.
Weightlifting. That's a great one.
For who?
Whom.
Whom.
Well, I guess there's just no such thing
as fair competition
between boys and girls.
How about that game with the cards?
Building houses?
That's perfect. Why didn't
anybody think of that?
You just did, Mr. Brady.
Remember, kids,
mother and I are the umpires, right?
Yeah, right.
BOBBY: I guess so.
Whatever we say goes.
Now I think that Bobby
and Cindy should start.
Okay, everybody ready?
Uh, just a minute, now.
Stand away from the table, kids,
'cause any little movement's
going to knock them down.
Ready?
Go.
Me first.
Why you?
'Cause I'm a lady.
Aw.
I am a lady.
If you say I'm not, I'll bop you.
GREG: Let her go first. Come on.
There.
Careful.
How's that?
That's very good, Bobby.
Nobody said mine was very good.
Oh, honey, yours was sensational.
CAROL: Careful.
You next. Come on.
You're making me nervous.
Now stop acting so jumpy.
Who's acting?
I am jumpy.
( Sighs )
( laughs )
Take a deep breath next time.
( Sighing in relief )
Come on, Jan.
( All sigh in relief )
Good man.
Come on, Marcia.
CAROL: Oh, Marcia.
Marcia, be careful. Your bracelet.
If she knocks it over
that's it.
Shh. Be quiet.
( Sighs )
It wouldn't count anyway
if she knocked it over.
It sure would.
Everything counts.
Would it, Mom?
I'm afraid so, honey.
That's not fair.
Boys don't wear bracelets.
Mike, I think this is
too nerve-wracking for them.
Honey, I agree. I think we better call it off
and find some other way.
Listen, you kids, why don't you
toss a coin or something?
( All disagreeing )
We're going to finish it now.
Go ahead!
Talk any louder,
and you'll knock it all down.
( Sighs )
Phew!
( Girls sigh loudly )
No, Tiger. Stay outside.
There's Tiger!
Keep away from me!
( All shrieking )
Oh! Oh.
That was an accident.
Everything counts. You said it yourself.
Yeah, I'm sorry, fellas.
Those were the rules.
Oh.
It's too bad, boys.
Isn't it, girls?
Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah, it's too bad.
( laughing ): It's awful.
JAN: Hey, Mom, you got
to take us down to get us
our sewing machine.
We better hurry up or the store'll close.
JAN: Or they might run
out of sewing machines.
Well, go on up
and get your sweaters. Come on.
Well, I guess they'll
just have to remember
like the fella said,
it isn't whether you win or lose.
It's how you play the game.
Yeah, but that fella
didn't lose his rowboat
to a bunch of girls.
Oh, mother, the store's closed.
CAROL: Well, I see a man in there.
Perhaps he'll take care of us.
Please.
I'm sorry, lady.
Please, mister.
It's been murder today.
We're closed.
No, no, no more premiums.
I've got to clean up.
Look, mister, I know it's late
but you've just got to let us in.
Look, you see, we've been building
this house of cards and
well, it took over an hour.
We won. 'Cause everything counts
when you're building a house.
JAN: And we can get a sewing machine.
Even if it was Tiger's fault.
Oh, please, mister.
All right. Hurry it up, will you, please?
'Cause I don't want everybody
on the street coming
Oh, thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.
I'm sure you do.
( Sighs )
It's been like this
every since they announced.
Checker stamps
was going out of business.
All day long,
coffemakers, toasters,
heaters, blankets.
Doesn't anybody buy anything anymore?
Don't you save trading stamps?
Who do you think was
my first customer today?
We've been saving stamps a long time.
Our brothers were saving them, too.
And that's why
we were building the house.
And we won because
I know. Because everything counts
when you're building a house
and you won because it was Tiger's fault.
Whatever that means.
Well, we do have 94 books
and that is enough
for a sewing machine. Right?
Right. And somewhere in here
I got two different models.
Let's see if I can find them.
Oh, I think they're right over
No. That's a home beauty salon
hair dryer, makeup table,
three-way mirror.
Hey, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
No.
We came here to get a sewing machine,
and that's what we're going to get.
Mom's right.
We can make some groovy dresses.
I think they're right come on with me.
I think they're over there.
There's so much stock here that
Excuse me. Remember
Please, will you hurry up?
Because I haven't had
even lunch yet today.
They were supposed
Oh, here they are.
Here they are. Right here.
I knew they were.
This model has an automatic buttonholer
push-button stitch-setter
and a solid maple cabinet.
And this one has, uh
walnut cabinet, automatic bobbin,
separate thread compartment
and an illuminated sewing area.
All right, ladies, which one'll it be?
That one. This one.
Oh, no, not that.
No, no, no.
Okay, let's put it right about here.
MIKE: Hey.
Aw, Dad, what do we
have to look at it for?
Because it's what they call
being a good sport.
Now you might have won
and they might be sitting here, right?
That's the way I wish it was.
Yeah, well
Okay, Cindy, go ahead.
All us girls want to thank all you guys
on account of
if you didn't lose, we wouldn't have this.
CAROL: Come on, kids.
There.
A TV set?!
A color TV set.
Well what happened
to the sewing machine?
Well, when we got
to the redemption store
and the girls saw that rowboat
just a few feet away
from the sewing machine,
well, they decided to get something
that the entire family could use.
Oh-ho. Hey, what do you say, fellas?
Sure nice of you, girls.
Great!
You sure you didn't nudge
the girls a little?
Well, maybe just that much.
Oh, boy, this is the nicest color TV.
Whose room's it going to go into?
Aw
Mmm, Alice, this cake is
positively out of this world.
It sure is. New recipe?
New bakery.
Well, if they turn out cakes like this,
they're going to have
customers waiting in line.
Oh, they do, but it's not
just because they bake so well.
What else would you
go to a bakery for?
Oh, they've got
a very special attraction there.
Something new.
Golden Circle trading stamps.
Oh, Alice, oh, please