AfterMASH (1983) s01e16 Episode Script

1
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
Mildred.
Mildred, come on, sugar beet.
This is one time I don't want to be late.
Radar O'Reilly is getting married.
The boy who slept with the Teddy bear is
going for the real thing.
I hope it's not a letdown for him.
Mildred!
I'll be down in a minute, dear.
Watch the war.
It must be near the end.
William Bendix just died.
Man in the air, somebody call for him.
That's no way to throw a grenade.
No risks.
Lob it, lob it.
Medic!
Medic!
Sorry, pal, I'm off this weekend.
World War Festival continues after this.
The cigarette with nearly 200 years of
tobacco know-how behind it.
Made by tobacco men, not medicine men.
Smoother, milder I haven't
had a good smoke in a long time.
And now, back to the exciting conclusion
of our feature.
Hold it.
Mildred, I'm coming.
Hold your horses.
Sherman, well, today's the day.
You ready for the big moment?
Well, let's hope he is.
Soon-Lee, oh, my.
You're a pip.
Ain't she?
One thing I always loved about Korea were
the women's clothes, the styles, the textures.
Just elegant.
Thank you, Colonel.
It's from the sophisticate shop at Kresge.
They're nice, too.
New tie, Max?
Max Klinger, one of the patients
hand-painted it for me, a little mental therapy.
He might be more disturbed than I thought.
Do I have time to sit down?
Morning sickness she got last night.
You sure you're up to this long drive?
I've been in America for six months.
It's time I saw Iowa.
Sherman, in regards to radar, I was wondering
how much Booty you're planning to give the kid?
Well, I understand radar's given up on all
his crops.
So Mildred and I dug down deep
and we're coming up with $50.
Funny, that's exactly the figure I had in
mind.
Least we can do.
Right, right.
Sherman, I wonder if I could borrow $40.
Well, I'm not already young, but here I
am.
All right, troops.
You can sit by the window, honey.
It better be open.
It's only 200 miles.
We can put on the radio.
Okay.
You'll be fine, you'll see.
Okay, here we go.
Hang on, hang on.
Hold it!
Hold it!
Well, best foot forward.
Look out, ladies.
Here comes Boyer.
I'm sorry, it won't happen again.
For at least half an hour.
Next time, you'll be pregnant.
Sure, but we better get going or we'll be
late.
Why didn't I think of that?
All right, gang, next stop, Iowa.
Ah!
Radar!
No, it's not.
It's not me.
Radar, what are you doing here?
What's happening?
We were just going to your wedding.
If you have to go, go.
I'm staying here.
I'm staying here.
Excuse me.
I'm from General Persian across the road.
Congratulations.
Say, want to be a buddy and help a vet
find a toilet?
Why don't you go in that men's room over
there and ask?
Good one.
Here you are, Fred.
Yes, sir.
Willoughby.
I don't know.
Have any breakfast?
Not yet.
Something smells good.
We got the best steak and eggs in the
river country.
Be proud.
Give me a beer, Red Stripe.
You from the hospital?
Yeah.
Korea?
Got any pretzels?
Harry's my name.
Boyer.
Like Charles Boyer?
Only he keeps pronouncing it wrong.
I was at the bar with myself.
Got a shoulder full of shrapnel.
They got you in the leg, huh?
When do things get pretty around here?
You a little lonely?
About six months ago, I was a little
lonely.
Try this number.
Ask for Polly.
She specializes in veterans affairs.
I only pay for meals.
Are you in some kind of trouble?
Is it the law?
You bet it is.
I took a rented tux across the state line.
How did I get into this?
Tell us.
No offense, sir, but this is something I
can't talk about in front of mixed women.
Shall we make some coffee, dear?
Don't we always?
So?
This was supposed to be the happiest
wedding day of my life.
You chopped this day up in pieces,
even the pigs wouldn't eat it.
Why, Radar?
What happened?
Last night, back in Ottumwa, me and all my
best friends threw me this bachelor party,
which was a surprise, except I kind of knew
about it anyway because I had to help pay for it.
Anyways, it was a great party.
They had it down to the Grange Hall,
you know.
It was for stag men only.
Really wild.
Father, you might want to blush.
Go on.
They had beer and quinoa, and believe it or
not, a girl who milked a cow in her underwear.
Sounds like my eighth birthday.
Anyways, my oldest buddy, Claude Grevy,
is there, see?
Well, he's working on a second beer,
and then all of a sudden he starts crying
and blubbering and everything, and
he says, Oh, geez, I'm really sorry, pal.
I shouldn't have done it, but it wasn't my
fault, you know, she made me.
Uh-oh.
She made him what, Rayner?
The big what, Father.
And the she he did the what with turns out
to be yours truly as intended.
The former future, Mrs. O'Reilly?
Oh, Rayner.
Yeah, that's when I started crying and
drinking and passing out.
This morning when I woke up, all's I know
is my head didn't fit in the mirror,
and I'm on my way to church to marry a
used bride.
You called off the wedding?
Oh, no.
No, they'll all be getting to the church
in about an hour.
I went AWOL, but they'll all be there.
Sandy dressed in white.
There's a hearty ha-ha for you.
It might have been nice if you had sat
Sandy down and got her side.
If Claude Grievey says he's had her,
then she's been had.
Nobody gets away from Claude Grievey.
You know that girl who milked the cow?
Well, that cow went home alone.
I'm gonna call your mother and tell her
you're all right.
No, don't call my mom.
I'm not all right.
I'm terrible.
I'm dying.
I can feel my heart stopping between every
beat.
She'll be worried sick, Radar.
No, no, I wrote her a note.
Actually, I'm still working on it.
Father, how many Z's in Jezebel?
Come on, buddy, you can't run away from
your problems.
I do, I did, I am.
Radar!
I know, I know.
Let me stay here.
I'll change my name.
I'll work at the hospital.
The three of you will be the four of us
again.
Lance is a good name.
Lance O'Reilly.
Radar?
Lance.
Huh?
Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm no Lance.
Claude is a Lance.
I can't stay here.
And I can never go back to Ottumwa again.
Oh, gee.
Ooh, I'm sick.
Beer last night, milk this morning.
That's what I get for mixing my drinks.
Colonel?
It's upstairs.
Oh, yeah.
How you doing, pal?
Not enough raisins.
All offense to Cy Klinger, but I'd really
rather be alone.
Of course.
I'll just be here while you are.
Did you know that Soon-Lee's pregnant?
Does she know Claude Grievey?
Radar, the way I see it, you gotta be
pretty crazy about this, Sandy,
or you wouldn't have gotten halfway up the
bridal path together.
Wait.
Part of love is forgetting and forgiving.
I've done it so often, whatever it was I
forgave, I forgot already.
Being married's the greatest, Radar.
It's like having another you, only better
looking.
Give both of yourselves another chance.
Max, can we go?
I'm sick like a dog.
A minute, sweetheart.
Radar's almost getting married again.
We can't leave now.
Max, Max.
Honey, honey, she's not usually like this.
Only every day for the last four months.
We never see each other.
He works all day.
I barf all night.
I had no idea you guys were that happy.
It's the most wonderful time of our lives.
Oh, Max.
Sweetheart.
You two want to be alone.
I know I do.
Oh, but I think he'd listen to you.
Radar?
These, uh, these are nice cookies,
ma'am.
Thank you.
Did you make these peanuts?
Parapartum's office.
Sandy.
Sandy who?
Oh.
Yikes!
Sandy, how'd you know I was here?
And that's not saying I am.
He did.
He didn't.
Sandy, I'm hanging up.
Give my best to Claude Grevy, which is
what you already done.
Thanks a lot, Colonel.
Thanks for stabbing me right in the back.
Now you just get a hold of yourself, son.
Well, you didn't have to call my mom.
And you didn't.
Dog butted.
I come here because I had no other place
to turn than you go and turn me in.
What's going on?
Radar, mostly.
I'm getting in my truck.
To where, radar?
To the end of the world.
And then?
Then I'll take a left.
Sherman, shouldn't you go after him?
I will.
If he ever leaves the front porch.
Radar, I for one know that it's a
difficult adjustment coming home.
I heard you couldn't hear.
Worse.
I started hitting the bottle.
I'm afraid I became a slave to my
highballs.
You're not plots now, are you, Father?
No, I don't go near it anymore.
But I did have a serious lapse of faith,
not to mention walking and talking.
Boy, when I come back, it was really itchy
double hockey sticks for me, boy.
You know, Father, things got so bad there
for a while, I even thought about reenlisting.
Yeah.
One day, I just stood out in the street
and stared at a recruiting office.
Thank God I got hit by a truck.
Oh, my.
Oh, that was just the beginning.
The farm really started going downhill
after Uncle Ed died.
I mean, some of it always went downhill.
Some of it goes uphill, but even that was
going downhill.
First thing, a well runs dry and a county
comes in and digs for water.
At 18 feet, they strike cesspool,
which was the only thing we had plenty of.
Then I had animal troubles.
All the cows started going bald.
The binge?
Had to put the whole herd in the barn.
And the floor caved in.
Next, the kitchen stove blows up and my mom
has to go a couple of months without eyebrows.
Oh, gee, and then the North 40 got flooded
and my Uncle Ed's coffin come to the top.
Uncle Potter only told me about your
crops.
Oh, boy.
You can't keep anything a secret.
Radar.
Wedding or not, I want you to have this.
Thanks.
I trust nothing else happened after the
business about your crops.
Oh, no.
I just got a big check in the mail and
that was that.
Check?
From the government.
Subsidy, Father.
Yeah.
They pay you for doing nothing.
The more you screw up, the more they
unscrew you.
It's crazy.
The crops didn't fail?
No.
There were no crops.
I didn't grow corn, I didn't grow wheat.
Next year I'm thinking of expanding and
not getting into soybeans.
Then you're doing quite well.
Yeah, but what's money?
So I've got a silo full of swill.
That's not happiness.
Happiness is Sandy.
Trouble is, unhappiness is Sandy too.
Boy, I hope you have better luck with
marriage, Father.
Thank you.
Nice news.
Hey, buddy.
Could you order me a Bologna sandwich?
No money?
No stomach.
They got orders here not to serve me.
Darn doctors are morons.
Idiots.
What's your name?
Dr. Boyer.
Now, please don't turn me in for this.
Nutritionists will make me eat that darn
creamed corn.
The secret is safe with me.
Ah, that's why I love you doctors.
Can I get you something?
What's your name, Bob?
Cream corn would be nice.
No, no, one Persian special.
You, uh, you here looking for women?
Good place for it.
Hospital guys and gals do a lot of
cushion-pushing in the booth.
How long you been at Pershing?
36 years.
And you never left in all that time?
Well, I come here, I go fishing.
Once the VA got a bus and took us to the
brewery in St. Louis.
I've been here a month and I'm stir-crazy.
Just relax.
There's always tomorrow.
I've seen a million of them.
The main thing is I don't have any
regrets.
You got any regrets?
A few.
But I might just start cutting down.
Next woman that comes in that door is
mine.
Here comes a brag.
I don't think it'd be this easy.
Sorry, no lone women in here.
Not just as well.
I'm going back to Iowa anyway.
Harry, she's with me.
Grape knee high.
Straight up.
Go to it, doc.
Thank you.
Nice dress.
Just downtown trolling for a groom?
I got left at the altar.
Then you're not a married woman.
Just two hours shy.
No sweat.
We can go to my place and I'll carry you
over the threshold.
Okay.
Now what are you like?
I know your kind, mister.
We got him back in Iowa, too.
A girl takes one look at your bedroom eyes
and it's all over.
Just because everyone's a pushover for
you, you think you can own anybody you want.
Wait a minute.
Go back to pushover.
My Walter is only half your size,
but he's twice the man you are.
Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
It means you're crud.
What else?
That will have to do for today.
Hey, thank you.
Thank you.
Is she coming back?
There was a nurse in here earlier.
A lot of nurses were in here earlier.
Here.
Debbie Kala.
She'll be back for dinner.
Getting a little nippy out there?
I should have rented a winter tux.
Where is everybody?
Oh, they're having a snack.
I guess they're all disappointed in me.
They must think I'm a real cowardly creep.
Don't you?
You know we're all behind you, son.
Oh, sir.
Why does everything have to be the way it
is instead of the way it's supposed to be?
You mean the way you want it to be?
Geez.
We were planning this thing for months.
Hiring the hall, hiring the band,
hiring the food.
Radar, if it helps at all, Mrs. P and I
would like you to help us.
I'm glad to have this.
Thanks.
When I first saw Sandy, it was over a
barrel in the feed store.
Wham!
The minute we looked at each other, it was just like
Tyrone Power and Rita Hayworth in Blood and Sand.
And then the first time we went out at the movies, our
hands both accidentally reached for the same milk dud.
And it felt just like Jimmy Cagney and
Rita Hayworth in Strawberry Blonde.
And then when I got up the nerve and we
hugged goodnight, it was just like
Rita Hayworth in who?
Glenn Ford in Gilda.
Radar, you've seen a lot of war movies and
you've been in a real war.
You know there's no connection.
If we lost a boy in a battle, we didn't
see him next week in another one.
No, sir.
Same with love.
They don't always have a happy ending.
Especially at the start.
I should go back to Ottumwa, huh?
What do you think?
Well, that's what I would do in real life.
Excuse me.
Colonel Potter?
Excuse me, button in, but
Walter!
Sandy!
You're supposed to be in Iowa!
So are you.
I was just going there.
By way of Missouri!
What's going on?
Is something wrong?
What was this, Sandy?
Walter, I know where you ran away, but you
didn't have the decency to let me defend myself.
Now, shouldn't a person at least get that
chance?
Yes.
Well, decency's a two-way coin,
don't you think?
Walter, when you ran out, everyone in that
church said, good riddance, let the little go of us go.
Yeah, and you didn't defend me,
I suppose.
I did.
I said, that little go of us deserves one
more chance.
But when I came in here and you started in on
me like that, I just think maybe everybody was right.
What's with this one more chanceness?
I'm the one supposed to be giving out one more chances,
and before I give it, I just might take it back.
Fine.
The last thing I want to do is marry a man
who doesn't trust me.
And the last thing I want is to be that
man.
Suits me.
Me too, also.
Oh, I'm getting out of here.
No, Rita, don't be sure of it.
Do something.
If they don't love each other,
they don't love each other.
Who don't love each other?
You think I put 200 miles on a brand new
truck to run away from a woman I don't love?
Sure.
So?
Well, Rita, well.
So?
So?
What's the problem?
Sandy?
I guess all of us would like me to marry
you again.
What about Claude Grievey?
Who's asking him?
Francis, you think you can beat the
four-minute non-denominational?
No problem at all, Sherman.
This should do very well.
You'll give away the bride.
Sandy, right about there.
You'll need to take off your coat.
Sandra?
Max?
Good idea, buddy.
Well, who else, Father?
Oh, Sherman over here is going to give
away the bride.
Yeah.
And, uh, Rita?
There?
Fine.
Mildred?
Very good.
I think we're ready.
That's lovely.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on
rather short notice in the sight of God,
who I'm sure will not mind the change of
venue, to join together in holy matrimony
this man, Walter, and this woman,
Sandra.
That's right, isn't it, Sandra?
Yeah, yeah, Sandy.
Sandra, do you take Walter to be your
lawfully wedded husband, to love,
honor, and obey, till death do you part?
I do.
And I didn't.
You didn't?
And do you, Walter, take
Sandra to be your lawfully wedded
wife, to love, honor, and
obey, till death do you part?
Do you believe me?
I do.
I do.
The ring, please.
Oh, my gosh.
I left the ring back in Iowa.
But I know where it is.
Rita.
Huh?
No, that's for her.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It really didn't matter about Claude.
But I'm glad, because it really did.
Dear God, we ask thee to
bestow upon these thy servants
the seal of thine approval
and thy fatherly benediction.
And now, by the power vested in me,
and here's the part I like.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
Come on, come on.
Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. O'Reilly.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, gee, you guys are great.
This is a great day.
Congratulations.
I'm really glad you could make it.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
You okay?
It was like a dream.
Yeah.
Only a dream's sure a lot better when you
can have it with someone else.
That was really only your second time?
Yes.
When was your first?
About ten minutes ago.
Are you really afraid of your underwear?
You go ahead, folks.
I'll catch up.
Vacation with Alan Alda, Carol Burnett,
and Jack Weston in the four seasons tonight.
Later tonight, they were three loving
couples.
But when they vacationed together,
life became a real trip.
Alan Alda, Carol Burnett, Rita Moreno,
and Jack Weston star in the four seasons.
But first, there's a hot time in the old town tonight
when George becomes a volunteer fireman on New Heart.
Next.
New Heart.