Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e16 Episode Script

1
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- Every year when
the temperature dropped,
people also dropped
their standards
and hooked up with anybody.
Heat was expensive,
but sweaty bodies were cheap.
Nowadays, people call
it "cuffing season,"
but back then,
we just called it "fall."
♪
- [sniffs]
[exhales loudly]
I love the smell
of desperation in the fall.
- All right.
This is the only
time of year we
have a shot at getting girls.
♪
Ooh, a single, cold female.
Time to go to work.
[grunting]
Hey, baby.
Need some body heat?
- No, thank you.
- [sighs]
Now, that was cold!
[screams]
♪
I was so desperate to cuff up
that I was going
to be the first big brother
to ask his little brother
for girl help.
Didn't happen again
till the Wahlbergs.
- Whoa.
How do you think
someone took this of me?
- Drew, I need
your help with girls.
- Yes.
I've been preparing
for this day for 15 years.
- But you're 15.
- I've got a plan.
Come on.
You and I are sneaking out.
[exciting music]
Oh, hey, Maria.
[camera clicks]
- [laughs creepily]
- Wonder what she's doing here.
- All right. I'd date Taimak.
I'd marry El DeBarge.
[chuckles]
And, hmm, I'd dump Bobby Brown.
- She's smarter than Whitney.
- They're OK, if you like boys.
But I like men.
So I'd dump Ossie Davis,
date Ray Charles,
and marry your dad.
- [spits]
What?
My dad?
- Dang, it's too warm in here.
56 degrees.
That's $0.15 worth of heat,
and you all got coats.
[groans]
- We brought you
girls a little snack.
- Hi, Mr. Tonya's Dad.
Ooh, I like your uniform,
Mr. Tonya's Dad.
- Gross.
This is why LaDonna banned you
from sleepovers at her house.
- Shouldn't you two
be in bed already?
- [laughs]
You're so funny,
Mr. Tonya's Dad.
- You need a cold shower.
- Bye.
- Oh, we don't waste
cocoa around here.
We ain't the Jeffersons.
The only moving on up we ever
going to do is to heaven.
- Why are you in
such a bad mood?
- I'm fine.
- [sniffs]
I smell a fib.
And stray hairs.
And Barbasol.
[gasps]
Oh.
- What do you mean, oh?
- In the '80s, everyone
wasn't in therapy like today.
So Black men only
had one place
to deal with their thoughts
and feelings, the barbershop.
- So you'll never guess
what happened at work.
Romeo--
- And done.
Next.
- So I took your advice,
and I decided
to finish my circumcision.
- [sighs]
- Your haircuts are so fast.
I mean, you never get
to talk your problems out.
This is why bald men die first.
- No, we don't.
Do we?
- It's OK, baby.
I'm here.
You can talk to
me about anything.
- OK.
Well, see, today at work--
- [snores]
- Rochelle.
- No.
Uh-uh.
You know I can't
listen to work problems
without falling asleep.
I got worko-lepsy.
- That ain't real.
You made it up.
- OK, I'll try again.
- Thank you.
So today, Romeo's
truck was behind mine
while I was backing up.
And--
- [snores]
- Never mind.
[groans]
- I don't know about this.
Why would girls who like slam
poetry be into dating me?
- When girls start
smoking clove cigarettes,
they lower their standards.
And that's your demo.
- Thanks.
- Oh, you don't
have to thank me.
We're family.
OK, I'm going to teach
you a foolproof system
to meet girls from the Messiah
of Game himself, LL Cool J.
OK, now watch this.
[soft music]
- That's your
fool-proof system?
You just lick your lips
for no reason?
- It works for LL.
You'll see.
- Hey, I'm Sandy.
Mm.
[giggles]
- See?
- Fine.
Like this?
- Stop doing that.
- [sighs]
I'm going home.
Ah!
Wha!
[grunts]
- This is so not irie.
- Oh, my bad.
That was my purse
you slipped on.
Oh, let me help.
Ah!
- [grunts]
[both grunt]
- Sorry.
I'm all forehead.
- Hey, All Forehead.
I'm All Nikki!
Oh, Nikki, that was not funny.
- I'm Chris.
- Hey, I'm Nikki.
I already said that.
This is going great.
[upbeat music]
- Hair growth pills
for stubborn, cheap men.
Possible side effects,
nausea, drowsiness,
excessive skin growth.
Yeah, he doesn't
need to see all this.
- So what are those?
- Well, Nessa called,
and she told me
about a doctor
friend who's doing
a new clinical trial for gout.
So I ran--
- Rochelle, clinical trials
could have bad side effects,
especially the ones
they do on Black folk.
Doc did one for high
blood pressure medicine,
and now he sneezes
with his eyes wide open.
- Here's ya--
[sneezes]
- [screams]
It's haunting.
- But this one's different.
There are no side effects.
- Hmm.
- The trial pays $10 a bottle.
- I'm in.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
[soft music]
♪
Rochelle, wake up.
I have something
important to tell you.
- She white?
She better not be white.
- What?
No.
♪
- Hot ♪
[rock music]
- [gasps]
Look at those baby hairs.
- I know.
I'm just like Shaft in Shaft.
- Well, now you can tell
your boring work stories
to the guys at the barbershop.
- Yeah, that's good.
Because so much has been
going down at the depot.
- [snores]
[upbeat music]
- So what's wrong
with your shoulder?
- It hurts from
holding these purses.
They're my sisters'.
I watch them while
they flirt with boys.
They call me the Bag Hag.
Damn it, Nikki, if you shut up,
people won't hear you.
- Whew.
My siblings drive me crazy too.
I just want to scream,
"Why didn't my parents
stop with me?"
- Yeah, same.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the
third parent in my household.
- Exactly.
Like, I didn't decide
to raise these kids.
- [laughs roughly]
- Hey, so assuming we
both heal up all right,
would you maybe want
to go out with me?
- Ooh, well, why don't you--
- Get lost?
Sure, just please don't hit
me with one of your purses.
- Actually, I was going to say,
why don't you call me?
- Oh.
Cool.
- Oh, excuse me.
I have to go to the restroom.
My 31-year-old bladder is
not what it used to be.
- [gasps]
31?
I'm still turned on.
She has to pee.
I'm still turned on again.
- As we cut to a break, do we
grasp what Chris has at stake?
An older woman has
caught his eye,
but he's afraid
he's too young of a guy.
- Hey, that guy stole my scarf!
- On the inside,
I was freaking out.
I didn't know the first thing
about dating an older woman.
But on the outside--
- I was like, "I'll see yo
fine ass today at 3:00."
And she was like, "Oh, Chris.
3:00 is my favorite time."
- What's your game plan
for the date?
- I was just going to be
myself and see what happens.
[laughter]
- But you don't
have a job or a car.
You don't even have a bike.
- I got a bus pass.
- You can't take an older woman
on the bus on your first date.
Tragic, tragic.
- When it comes to
dating older women,
you got to be perfect
or lie trying.
- I made the mistake
of telling my lady the truth.
And now she's dating
somebody else.
In my defense,
her sister is hot.
- [scoffs]
I think Chris just needs
to practice licking his lips.
It's always worked for me.
- Drew, this was
me at your age.
I was pretty too once.
- Holy smokes.
You mean, you weren't always
gnarled and cadaverous?
- That's right.
You think your young,
pretty-boy moves
will work forever?
You can't lick your lips
out of middle age.
- [gasps]
- And every man in your
family goes bald by 30.
You think women are going
to be into your game
when you got a lumpy,
bald head?
- I never thought about that.
[dramatic music]
[screaming]
- So back to my stuff.
You guys think I should lie?
- Yes!
- I tell women that
your family rents from me.
- I tell women I'm an
eccentric trust-fund baby
that cuts hair for charity.
- I tell women I
invented the paperclip.
And then I give them
a couple for free.
- But I don't want
to lie to her.
I really like her.
- Fine, then just be yourself.
[soft music]
- I thought you
should know, I'm 17,
and I only have $10 to my name.
But I'm really hoping to stay
warm by nestling in your bosom.
- Ew!
[whimsical music]
- [screams]
All right,
so I won't be myself.
I'll be old, rich, and a liar.
- Have fun with it.
Give yourself a degree from
the London School of Economics.
How's she going to check?
- Check me out.
I'm on my way from bowling
ball to Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia.
- Dad, your head.
- I think you mean,
my head with hair.
- Damn, Julius.
Looking good.
Jump in the chair.
I'm going to clear my schedule.
I want to take my time
with these luxurious locks.
- Perfect, 'cause I got
to catch you up on work.
I have to go to my coworker
Romeo's birthday party,
and there's a dress code.
Now, where am I
going to get a shirt
that's not connected
to my pants?
- Why my dad is not hot.
Point number one,
he's got bunions
on his feet and his hands.
He's so old, his bones creak
like a haunted house.
And his eczema
makes Freddy Krueger
look like a porcelain doll.
- So?
We have different types.
You like pretty boys,
and I like
older men with weird problems
related to aging and lifestyle.
Anyway, I'm hungry.
What's your bodacious dad
making for dinner?
- [screams]
- Hey, Face Plant.
- Hey, Bag Hag.
I got us a reservation at
Peter Luger's Steak House.
No, I didn't.
- Oh, my God.
The Luger sizzling
bacon is so good.
Except for the heartburn after.
- Ugh, aging, am I right?
I was thinking how dates were
better when we were kids.
A date meant two people
hopping on a bus
and seeing where
Lady Transit took you.
- Yeah, the good old days.
- Hey.
Random thought.
- Ugh, riding the bus is
such a fun idea, Chris.
It gives us a chance to
really get to know each other.
- [coughs aggressively]
- So what do you do for work?
- Oh, I--
[tense music]
You ever heard of scrunchies?
- Uh, yeah.
- That was me.
Came up with it in a day.
Everyone said I should
call it "the scrunchy,"
but I had a vision.
- You're kidding.
I have millions.
That's so cool.
I wish I did cool stuff.
All I do is sleep.
Oh, and eat and go to bars
with my sisters, I guess.
And work.
Hey, speaking of, I got
a dumb work event tomorrow,
and I can bring a guest.
You want to come?
- Let me check my schedule.
What do you know?
I'm free.
- [shivers]
Ooh.
- I had done it.
I was cuddling with
a woman to stay warm.
I was the first Black man
happy to be cuffed.
- The barber shop
guys were right.
Licking lips won't
work forever.
So you better live it up now.
No.
Future Drew can't
have it that bad.
Tell me it's not that bad.
Oh, Drew, you need
to sit down for this.
[exhales sharply]
With these dry lips,
I can only get nines.
No!
[dramatic music]
- Yes!
- Our boy finally has a girl.
So his heart is a whorl.
[raccoons chittering]
Do not judge me.
- So you had a good date?
- I'm going to a work party.
- Damn!
- What should I wear?
- I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
Did you know that
we'll be bald someday?
I'll only get to date nines.
- I've never seen a nine.
- I'm not ready to
be a "normal," Chris.
Tell me it'll be OK.
[dramatic music]
[screams]
Ah!
- I got through two whole
work stories at the barbershop
today before I got
out of the chair.
- So your problem of not having
someone to vent to about work
was solved?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- And it's because
of your hair,
which is because of the pills,
which is because of me?
Wow. I'm good.
- I mean, it was
a lucky coincidence.
- Coincidence?
That was a clinical
trial for hair growth.
Science and Rochelle win.
I'd like to thank me.
[dramatic music playing]
Don't you play me off.
My man has two jobs and a head
of science-grown baby hairs.
- Wait.
Do I still get $10?
- Yes.
And now you got hair and more
time to talk shop at the shop.
And the world's best wife.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- I'm a lucky man.
- Mwah!
[soft music]
- [gasps]
Back nipple side effect.
What?
Um, Julius--
- You know, you really
are the best wife.
Thanks for tricking me into
stuff that's good for me.
- You're welcome, baby.
- Suggested doses
are for chumps.
Bald chumps!
Hair we come!
Whew.
Romeo went all out
for this party.
He turned the heat
all the way up to 56.
I'm impressed.
- Me too.
But you guys should stay
clear of his pet jaguar.
[chuckles]
Oh, I gotta go to the hospital.
[groans]
- Hey, Julius,
what's on your back?
They look like back nipples.
Gosh, it really
is cold in here.
- Back nipples?
- Well, they ain't
on your front.
- How the hell did this happen?
The hair pills.
Oh, no!
I'm another test subject freak.
[sneezes]
Were my eyes open?
- I'll go get us some eepas.
- You're so funny.
I'd love an IPA.
- Mm-hmm.
- [groans]
- [grunts]
- Oh, no.
Bag Hag.
- Chris?
- Dad?
- What are you doing here,
in my sport coat, with beers?
And, Nikki, why are you hanging
out with my 17-year-old son?
- [gasps]
You're 17?
What? Great!
Now I'm a Bag Hag
and a cradle robber?
Not now, Janice!
- [sighs]
Oh, man.
- As Chris found a lady
to keep him warm,
his daddy came by and
brought a shit storm.
- What do you have
to say for yourself?
- I--
- Hush!
I don't want to hear a word.
I am not in the mood.
You lied to date an older
woman who was my coworker.
And worse than that, you met
her at a slam poetry bar.
Do you know how
many drug addicts,
sex offenders,
and failed rappers
there are in them places?
- Dad, I--
- I said hush!
And do not tell your
mother about Nikki.
She'll kill her,
then go to jail,
and I'll be left to raise
you as a single dad.
Is that what you want?
Answer me, boy!
- But--
- The only "butt"
I want to hear is
yours headed up to your room.
And if I catch you
sneaking out again,
I'm going to slam you with the
poetry of my foot in your ass.
- [groans]
- Hey, baby.
How was Romeo's birthday?
- I have back nipples,
Rochelle.
- [gasps]
Where'd all those come from?
There was only one
when I saw you.
I mean--
- You knew there was a back
nipple and didn't say anything?
Hungry babies were crawling
toward me on the street.
[babies whining]
- Oh, you were just so happy.
And I didn't want to ruin that.
- It was really great to
have hair and be able to get
work stuff off my chest.
Except now I got to get
these titties off my back.
- Baby, you're right.
I shouldn't have tricked
you into taking those pills.
- And I shouldn't have
taken the rest of the pills
all at once.
- What?
That's why you have so many--
whew.
Doesn't matter.
I need to get better at
listening to your work stories.
I think I have an idea.
[baby grunts]
[upbeat music]
- [pants]
And then what happened?
- Romeo parked his truck and--
- OK!
Yep!
Nope.
OK, I'm up.
Still with you.
Yeah, OK.
Romeo parked his truck.
Don't tell me.
He parked it in your spot.
- Yes.
That's exactly what he did.
- No way.
- You got busted, huh?
- Yup.
- Mom or Dad?
- Dad.
- Could be worse.
- Yeah.
You tripping about not
having game when you're old?
- Just a little.
- Well, you could have found
the first woman to actually
like you and then humiliate
her at a work party
so now you're alone
again and a liar.
- Yeah.
It's crazy how our problems
are exactly the same.
- I wish I could say
sorry to Nikki right now,
but Dad really wants to
stick his foot in my ass.
- Well, one day I won't be
able to help you get women,
but I'll always be able
to help you distract Dad.
- Thanks, Drew.
- Hey, Dad.
What's the best strategy
for Black Friday?
- Oh, this is going
to take all night.
What do you know
about body armor?
Now, some people line up the
morning before Thanksgiving,
but those people are fools.
Probably not serious about
anything in their lives.
Now, check this out.
- Not that I don't
love free pizza,
but is there a reason
why you invited me here?
- You are right to think
that my Dad is foxy.
Last night when I was
looking in the mirror,
I realized something.
I'm gorgeous.
So of course,
my Dad's good-looking.
I have perfect genes,
and half of them are his.
- Ew!
I can't believe you
think your dad is hot.
- But you said--
- And to think, I could
have been your stepmom.
Man, I dodged a bullet.
- I'm not attracted to my Dad!
[groans]
[upbeat music]
♪
- [groans]
- Hey, Bag Hag.
- Oh, great!
It's the child I dated.
Let me guess,
you're actually 12?
- Look, I'm sorry
about everything.
I just really liked you.
So I lied my ass off.
- I didn't like you because
you were going to take me
to Peter Luger Steak
House or because you
were the CEO of Scrunchies.
Damn it, Nikki.
How did you not
realize he was lying?
Just so you know, I liked the
clumsy, sweet you I first met.
The real you is enough.
Just not old enough.
- Really?
- Girls will see how
great you are someday.
Just be patient.
Also, this made me realize I
like being with an older man.
So I got back with my ex.
- Chris?
You're who my lady was dating?
Now I'm going to have to
stab you right in the foot.
- [screams]
♪
- The city's heartbeat,
loud and amiss,
echoes a familiar refrain.
Everybody still hates Chris.
- Everybody
still Hates Chris ♪
[upbeat hip-hop music]
♪
- MTV ♪