Happy Days (1974) s01e16 Episode Script

1
One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rock
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
Put your glad rags on, join me, hon
We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
When the clock strikes two, three, and four
If the band slows down, we'll yell for more
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
When the chimes ring five, six, and seven
We'll be right in seventh heaven
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
When the clock strikes twelve, we'll cool off then
Start a-rockin' 'round the clock again
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight ♪
Yeah. OK, Ernie, that'll be just fine.
We'll see you in a few minutes. Bye-bye.
Marion, Joanie, we're going to have a family meeting.
Good. I like when we do things together.
Richie, come on down, front and center.
I hate family meetings.
I always end up losing part of my allowance.
Chuck's not here.
Well, I'll be his proxy, Marion.
He's not much help, anyway.
He's always bouncing his basketball.
Will you put that away, please!
What's going on?
We're having a family meeting.
I hope it's your allowance and not mine.
Whose allowance is it, Howard?
It's nobody's allowance.
Now will you all please just sit down?
Could we hurry, Dad?
Arnold just got back from Los Angeles.
He's gonna have his waitresses start wearing roller skates.
I can't wait to see Marsha on roller skates.
Well, you'll have to see Marsha tomorrow.
But she might do some of her funniest falling tonight.
Now that we're all seated,
the meeting will please come to order.
I tell you, I'm innocent!
This is not a trial, Joanie!
Now, look the reason I called you all here
is because well, any minute now,
a salesman is going to come in here.
What kind of salesman?
We're buying a new house?
What's wrong with this house?
We don't have enough closet space, Howard.
Life would be so pleasant
if we just had enough closet space.
No, we're not buying a new house, Marion.
A new car! That'd be cool!
No, it's not a new car, new closet space,
or cool.
Well, what, then?
Well, it's something that I've been thinking about
for a long time, ever since I saw
Edward R. Murrow's program about the Cold War,
and it didn't sound good.
And then, one day,
this salesman came into my store with this brochure,
and well, tonight, he's coming here.
What does he sell?
He sells bomb shelters.
Bomb shelters?
Let's not talk about that in front of the children.
It'll just frighten them.
Now, listen, Marion,
the Russians now have the bomb,
and they could decide to drop it on us.
The Cold War is a fact of life,
and everyone, including our children,
have got to live with it.
Look, I'm not trying to scare anyone.
I'm merely trying to protect my family.
Can we afford a bomb shelter?
Well we do have our funds
for that vacation trip to Carlsbad Caverns.
Phooey!
Double phooey, dear!
Who wants to blow our whole vacation fund
on a a hole in the ground?
What's Carlsbad Caverns but a hole in the ground?
That's him. What am I going to tell him?
I vote no! I'm against it, too.
Tell him no, dear, but try not to hurt his feelings.
Even bomb-shelter salesmen have feelings.
Oh, hi, Ernie.
Mr. Cunningham. Good to see you again.
Hey, you have a lovely house here.
Thank you.
Marion, Richard, Joanie, this is Mr. Marianetti.
Ah, the whole family. Good, good.
Son big boy
lovely daughter, and, of course, mom.
Nice to meet you all.
First of all, I want you to call me Ernie.
I'm a very informal person. OK? Good.
And, uh, may I call you Herbert?
I don't like Herbert. My name is Howard.
I'm sorry. I'm very bad on names.
I thought salesmen were good at names.
What a cute kid.
You're not a kid at all.
Why why, you're almost a teenager.
Yeah!
Heh-heh.
Aren't you gonna tell him, Dad?
I'll tell him, Richard,
but it doesn't hurt to hear what he has to say.
Now, why don't we all, uh, sit
where we usually sit?
Um, Howard, where do you usually sit?
I sit there.
Of course! Pop sits right over here.
And you want to be right near Pop, right?
Down there, big boy.
Mom, sit next to Miss Almost-Little-Teenager.
OK?
I'm going to hand you out these brochures.
Let's get a greenie for you.
Match that beautiful t-shirt you got there.
Howard, blue one for you.
And a blue one. Like father, like son.
Now, we'll start out with the deluxe model.
It's a 2-foot concrete wall all around
with a complete inside shielding of solid lead.
To tell you the truth Too expensive, huh?
Why don't we try the standard model?
It's the same dimensions,
same safety features, except for the lead.
Ernie, before you came in, we took another vote
and decided against buying the shelter.
Okey-dokey. It's entirely up to you.
Look, I-I hope we haven't wasted your time.
Howard, it's never a waste of time
to meet a nice family.
You're not gonna try harder to sell us?
Richie, what I'm trying to sell you
is something for your own good.
I used to be a patio furniture salesman,
and I admit, I was quite a hustler.
But this is something that I honestly believe in.
You just don't hard-sell safety.
You really think there'll be a need for it?
Margaret, if I didn't No, my name's
No, don't tell me. Um, um Martha.
No, Marg no. Uh, Minnie.
Oh, please, let me help you.
No, I've got it. Uh, Marcia. Mitzi.
Oh, you better help me.
Marion.
No, that's not it. Yes, it is.
Oh, of course it is! I was just kidding!
No, I honestly believe what Edward R
Murrow.
Murrow said.
Do you have your own bomb shelter?
Of course I do, Howard.
You know, Howie,
I like to think of my little bomb shelter
as sort of a personal, little secret message
to Nikita Khrushchev that the good old U.S. of A.
Is not gonna be pushed around.
Well, I'm all for that.
Right. Just think about it a minute.
It's very possible that in case of nuclear attack,
there are going to be very few survivors left around here
to repopulate this beautiful town.
Joanie, I think you should leave the room.
It's just getting interesting.
I'd like to try repopulating.
Richard
Dad, I just wanna do my part as a good American.
Bye-bye, love Oh, be careful!
Must be an easier way.
Oh watch out, everybody!
Ohh!
Marsh, think you're ready for the roller derby yet?
Oh, why did Arnold have to go to Los Angeles?
If he'd gone to Atlantic City,
I'd be pushed around in a boardwalk cart.
I'm not an athletic lady, you know.
That's for sure.
This is as far as I go, fellas.
If you want your French fries, you come over here.
Ha-ha.
Mail me a tip.
Girls, we got to have a meeting.
It's better than Sid Caesar!
It sure is!
Say, Rich, no snow
Are you really gonna build a bomb shelter
right in your backyard?
Well, it's not all set, but it's pretty certain.
My dad's got the plans and everything.
Boy, have you got it m-a-d-e.
It'll be a great place to take the chicks!
Oh, wait.
I don't think that's exactly what my dad has in mind.
But what your dad don't know won't hurt him.
Heh-heh.
Heh-heh.
Say, Rich, I'm your best friend, right?
Sure.
Then you got my spot in the bomb shelter reserved?
I don't know, Potsie What do you mean you don't know?!
What would life be like without your best friend?
Loneliness, guilt, desperation
All right, OK, OK.
But don't mention it to everybody, all right?
Don't tell everybody I got a bomb shelter.
I understand. Got to keep out the riffraff.
Heh-heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh.
Hey, Fonz!
Hey, Fonz.
Hi, Fonzie.
What is goin' on here?
I just got sideswiped by a hit-and-run waitress.
Hey, Rich, you think we should tell Fonz?
Oh, Potsie
Tell me what? Nothin', nothin'.
Hey, uh, it sounds like
you're tryin' to keep a secret from the Fonz.
That makes me feel like, uh,
you're not a true friend, Rich.
Well we're just, uh,
putting a bomb shelter in our backyard.
That's it? I thought it was somethin' important.
Don't you ever worry about 'em droppin' the big one?
Hey, you live fast, you die young,
you leave a good-lookin' corpse.
Hey, that's cool.
Nick Romano said that in Knock On Any Door.
I think I said it better.
Here, let me help you, Marsh.
No! Don't touch my body!
No! Richie!
Hey, there's Jennifer.
She just had a date with Louis.
Let's find out if it's true what they say about him!
Hey, Rich, let me see you a minute.
What's new?
Nothin'. Absolutely nothin'. Nothin's new.
Don't panic. I believe you.
Richard, in this hand,
I have two tickets to the rock 'n' roll show.
It's Bill Haley, here we come!
Aw, that's crummy!
I didn't think you were gonna be able to get the tickets,
and I didn't even get a date.
Why don't you ask Carole Akron over there?
Oh, no, no.
What's the matter?
She's a hot chick. Her ears are pierced.
I've asked her out a few times,
and she always says no.
So what? Susie said no to me for two months.
But now, she's going out with me.
I had to get down on my knees and beg before she would.
Oh, why would you want to beg?
If you've ever been kissed by Susie,
you'd never have to ask.
If she just used one lip, it would be worth it.
Well, uh, I-I don't think she's the begging type.
To each his own.
Hey!
Potsie's moving in on my Susie! Ohh!
Hey, hey, Susie!
Richie, can I chew the fat with ya a minute?
Well, sure, Carole.
Kinda privately?
Oh. Wanna go in the photo booth?
No, here's all right.
Oh. That's what I figured.
Potsie said you had a bomb shelter.
Oh, no, no, that's just a rumor.
See, my dad talked about it once,
but, uh, we don't have a bomb shelter.
It's just Potsie's sense of humor.
No bomb shelter.
Oh.
But I was wondering if you're free
for, uh, this Friday.
Well, not exactly. I have three dates.
Three dates is not exactly?
I can't decide who to go out with.
Well, I have a couple of tickets
to the rock 'n' roll show.
Rock 'n' roll show?
Yeah.
Yep. I think it's Cootie.
Well, nice chewin' the fat with ya, Richie.
I have a bomb shelter.
You said you didn't.
Well come here.
See, uh, I'm tryin' to keep it a secret.
I don't want everybody to know about it.
Just somebody special like you.
Gee.
I never went out
with anybody with a bomb shelter before.
The closest I ever came
was when I got stuck in the elevator with Ziggy Wilson.
Well, before the concert,
I could take you to my backyard
and show you where we're gonna build it.
Heh.
Yeah. I'll go with you!
I-I'll see you Friday, then.
OK.
Heh.
Heh-heh.
Hey, Rich, you know what you can do for me?
You can save me a place in that shelter.
Potsie, I ought to give you a knuckle sandwich!
Why? Fonzie told him!
Why don't you give him a knuckle sandwich?
I guess we have enough room for one more.
Great.
Rich, watch out!
I said no pickles!
If you sing this melody
You'll be pretending, just like me
Let's come up for air.
OK, but just for a short break.
Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I got my cufflink caught in your hair.
I'm sorry.
Boy, that was some rock 'n' roll show, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
Tell me more about the shelter.
Oh. Well, uh
did you ever think that ours is the first generation
to grow up with the bomb?
No, I never thought that.
Well, it's made our generation different,
more serious.
Not that I don't like having fun,
but, you know, uh,
more responsible to future generations.
Future generations?
Well, yeah.
Just suppose that-that you and I
were in the bomb shelter.
And it happened! Am I scaring you?
No.
Oh.
Well, then afterwards,
you and I would have the responsibility
of, uh, of rebuilding,
of repopulating this entire town.
Richie?
Hmm?
If I were going with someone,
and things were well serious
Yeah?
Could I bring a date to the shelter?
Cootie has a color TV.
The food shelves are gonna go right here,
the beds are gonna be here,
and the toilet is gonna be right here.
Where's the door? Right here.
Don't you think we should move the bathroom somewhere else,
so when people drop in, it
won't be the first thing they see?
Marion, we're not trying to get
into Better Homes and Gardens.
We're trying to survive a nuclear attack.
I know, but we can survive with good taste.
Then put the the toilet wherever you want.
Good. Now, what color scheme
did you have in mind?
I thought I'd bring Hugo out now
so I wouldn't forget him later.
Joanie, look, I'm sorry, but Hugo is out.
He's non-essential.
But he sleeps with me.
Couldn't you sleep with something smaller? No.
Then try sucking your thumb.
Howard.
This wasn't my idea.
I wanted to go to Carlsbad Caverns.
Come here.
Now, listen, sweetheart,
I know that all of this isn't much fun for you,
but someday, when we come out of this shelter
and find that the whole world has been destroyed,
you're gonna thank me.
Did what I say make sense?
No, but don't worry about it, dear.
You're her father, and she doesn't expect you
to make sense all the time.
Oh, Howard, it's 5 minutes to 12.
Coming!
Where's my helmet? What helmet?
My civil-defense helmet. I want to wear it for the drill.
Where are the kids? Richard! Joanie!
Where did I put that helmet?
You want me to look for it?
There's something I better tell you about the drill.
Everybody, just listen up.
I want you to act like this is any other Saturday.
Just do what you normally do.
Well, what are you all standing around for?
Marion, get in the kitchen and cook or something.
That's silly, Howard.
The drill's in three minutes.
Can't you pretend you don't know that?
I'll just pretend I'm cooking a roast.
I really have something I have to talk
Richard, not now.
I want everybody to go about their business
as if nothing happened.
Well, go! Go!
I'm going to look for my helmet.
I'm gonna take Hugo.
Oh, here's your helmet, Howard!
Heya, Rich! Hi, Mrs. C., squirt.
Potsie, what are you doing here?
During a drill,
you go where you'd go for the real thing.
You said I could.
Hey, guys. Rich.
I hope I'm not late. Am I? I brought Susie along.
Listen, Rich, um, I'm asking her to go steady,
so I had to bring her, you know?
Ralph, I did not say
Oh, come on. What's wrong? Let's go!
OK! Ha-ha!
What's the matter with you guys?
You never saw a motorcycle before?
I'll be right back. Uh, excuse me, Fonzie.
Go knock yourself out.
Richard, there are people in my bomb shelter.
I know, Dad. That's what I was trying to tell you.
Through a series of misunderstandings
I know they're friends of yours, but they can't stay here.
Would you mind breaking the news to them?
Because I don't want to hurt their feelings.
Sure, Richard.
All right, everybody out!
But I was invited!
I'm canceling the invitation!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
If the bomb drops on your car, don't bring it to my garage.
We're still going steady, aren't we?
We could crouch in my basement.
If Hugo goes, I go!
Some best friend!
Potsie, let me try to explain.
Well, I had to do it, Marion.
It's our shelter, and it's a matter of survival.
I understand, dear.
Howard, who is that man standing behind us?
I thought he was a friend of yours.
I thought he was a friend of yours.
No, dummy, if you wear the knot in front,
it means you're available.
This means you're goin' steady.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Hey, you guys mind if I sit here?
Uh, not at all.
Oh, thanks.
We were just leaving.
Fast.
Hey, Richie,
I heard about the gang not talking to you
on account of the bomb shelter.
Don't worry about it.
Take it from me.
I've lived with pain and loneliness
most of my life.
After a while, you get used to it.
Hey this is on the house.
Dad, could I talk to you for a minute?
Sure, Richard, I'm all ears.
Good, 'cause I'd like to have another family meeting
about this bomb shelter thing.
That's a good idea because I'm still trying to decide
whether we should stay with the standard model
or move up to the deluxe.
That wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
Well, we'll talk about it. Marion!
Another family meeting? That's two in one week.
No wonder I'm so nervous all the time!
Dad, what I wanted to talk about
Can I be excused?
No!
Howard, Pauline Saxon just called.
She wants to know if we have room in our shelter.
I hope you told her no.
I said if an opening comes up, I'll call her.
Marion, you can't tell everybody that!
But they're our neighbors.
The whole world is our neighbor.
Should we invite the whole world in?
Family meetings are no fun!
You can be excused!
Good.
I still vote for Carlsbad Caverns.
Dad, the way I figure it is,
if they drop the bomb, then I won't have any friends,
and if they don't drop the bomb, I won't have any friends.
So what good is this bomb shelter?
That's an interesting question.
What's your answer, Howard?
I'll tell you what good it is.
If you sit in it, you have peace of mind!
While all your friends are pounding on the door?
The discussion is over. We're going to take a vote.
Marion, you still want the shelter, don't you?
Oh, Joanie's making more sense all the time.
OK, then, we won't take a vote!
Certain decisions have to be made
by the head of the house, and that is me!
I guess the family discussion is over.
I guess it is.
I'll go in my room and think about what it's gonna be like
with no friends for the rest of my life.
I'll call Mother and tell her she's on her own.
Being the head of the house is a lonely job.
Hi, Dad.
Please use the door.
I seem to be here all alone.
I know.
We had a little family meeting of our own.
We voted not to survive.
I see.
Dad, I don't understand what's happening.
You're a nice guy
who's talking about trying to lock his friends out.
In the words of Leo Durocher, "Nice guys finish last."
In an atomic war, does anybody finish first?
Are you telling me that living through a bomb
isn't worth losing a few friends?
Dad, we figured that if things come down
to somebody dropping the bomb
then we'd rather live now than survive later.
You understand?
I guess you understand.
Richard what do you think of a man
who gets so carried away by his own fears
that, uh he forgets about other people?
I'd say he's human.
Wah Wah-wah-wah-wa-aah
Wah-wah-wah-wah ♪
1, 2, 3.
Gotta go.
Pin.
Ladies and gentlemen, the world champion!
Hey, cool it.
I'm retiring as champ.
Oh, right, Fonz. Gotcha, Fonz.
He's retiring as champ. Let's go. Break it up.
Come on, split.
Go write a letter.
Hiya, guys. Cunningham.
Hi, Rich. Rich.
Hey, I hear your bomb shelter ain't no more.
Yeah, your bomb shelter turned into a bomb.
Ha-ha-ha.
Funny as a crutch, Ralph.
I'm ahead of my time.
Right.
My dad decided to use the money
to take us on a trip to Carlsbad Caverns.
Carlsbad Caverns? That sounds neat!
I don't take up much space.
You can take me along, right?
I never saw a stalagmite before.
I'll see you guys later, OK?
Wait! Wait!
Happy days ♪
Hello, sunshine goodbye, rain
She's wearin' my school ring on her chain
She's my steady, I'm her man
I'm gonna love her all I can
This day is ours Won't you be mine?
These happy days This day is ours
Oh, please be mine Oh, happy days
Happy days ♪