L.A. Law (1986) s01e16 Episode Script
Beef Jerky
1
Previously on L.A.
Law.
It's just that the thought of trying a
case by myself is kind of scary.
Well, the first time always is,
but two days from now, you will be much
more confident, not to mention more marketable.
What are we doing here?
I tried to bleed out, judge.
I even offered to continue it without a finding.
I found your irresponsible rejection of the city
attorney's offer to be shamefully unprofessional.
I lost my first case, too.
Oh, and you just love rubbing my nose in it, don't you?
Not really.
Then why did you come down here?
To ask you out on a date.
A date?
What's with you?
What's with you?
You do everything you can to embarrass me
in court, and then you come marching in here.
Hey, I just tried my case.
You embarrassed yourself.
I don't know what the hell I was thinking
when I came in here.
Your Honor, I would ask for a new trial on
the grounds of AIDS stress syndrome.
I just learned of the AIDS syndrome defense yesterday.
Ms. Van Owen told me about it.
I did what I thought was in the interest of justice.
Well, the official response from this
office is that you screwed up.
Don't do it again, Grace.
By the way, you've been reassigned to night court.
You start tonight.
Look, it's Friday night.
I can't believe the judge will keep us late.
Now, I'd like to make it perfectly clear
that we are going to clear this calendar
in its entirety before anybody gets out of here.
The good news is I threatened to quit
unless they let me out of night court.
The bad news is they took me seriously,
which means I'm still gainfully employed.
You're back in day court?
Downtown felony trials starting Monday.
Okay.
That's great.
Yeah.
Oh, Gracie, I missed you.
Morning, Floyd.
Welcome back, Miss Van Owen.
It's nice to be back.
Gracie, come on in.
You want to see me, Bruce?
Welcome back to day court.
Welcome to day court, Gracie.
Thanks, Richard.
We were just talking about you.
I want you to take off one of Dick's cases.
Fine.
Armed robbery, $100,000 theft.
Why can't you do it?
Uh, personal reasons.
Now, I've already, uh, impaneled the jury,
so it's all set to go.
Am I missing something?
Not a thing.
It's a bit unusual what this guy stole,
but we figured if it's up anybody's alley,
it would have to be yours.
Because you're the only lawyer here who
can do it with a straight face.
You see, that's one of the benefits of
having no sense of humor.
What's the matter with you two?
You could be so hilarious about a $100,000 theft.
Bull semen.
Oh, yeah, the guy knocked over a sperm bank.
15 grand a pint.
Go get him, Gracie.
Bull semen?
Ha, ha, ha.
Rona versus Gradinger.
Settling.
Richardson estate.
Yeah, we're getting some movement on that, actually.
I think the widow is inclined to settle.
Bonora versus Cromwell Aircraft.
Status quo.
A new matter.
Glasband versus Glasband.
A referral from Harley Hunt.
My client's husband did Harley's last facelift.
Which brings us to Brophy versus Valley Distributors, Inc.
Yeah, the trial starts tomorrow.
Family's coming in this morning for final prep.
Have there been any last-minute offers?
75,000 on the wrongful death claim for the little boy.
You declined?
I told him it would take 200,000 to settle it out of court.
Why is it you lose an eye, you get a
million-dollar verdict, you lose your
life, and it's only worth a fraction of that?
This lawyer I know advises his clients, if you
run somebody over, back up and finish off the job.
Compared to maiming, wrongful death's a bargain.
What about the emotional distress claim
for the boy's sister?
Well, they offer $10,000.
I'm looking for $100.
So you get almost as much for witnessing a
death as you do for the death itself.
Well, her kid brother died right before her eyes.
She has to live with that for the rest of her life.
And they think the tax code doesn't make sense.
If you don't mind, people, as we appear to be
finished with the business at hand, I suggest we adjourn.
Oh, um, she was a moment ago.
Do you have any plans for tonight?
I've got a date.
Why?
No, I gotta go to my cousin's wedding.
Oh, I'm sorry, Abby.
It's okay.
I'll think about it.
I'll figure something else out.
I just want this over with.
I'll sign anything he wants.
I just desperately need to get away somewhere.
Mrs. Glasspan, your husband is a big-time plastic surgeon.
He's got to be making close to a million a year.
This proposed agreement shows $35,000 in the bank.
It doesn't pass the smell test.
Look, he's a decent man.
He would never cheat me, please.
I don't have the strength to make a fight out of this.
Which is why you hire a lawyer who does.
And my suggestion, professionally as well
as personally, we sniff his tracks for a
few days, just if for no other reason,
to confirm his decency.
You don't understand.
This divorce is all my fault, my failure.
My psychiatrist says I need to get it behind me.
I don't want to tread on your doctor's
territory, but my experience, in the long
run, you'll feel better if you don't run
away from your problems.
I can't stand another night in that house.
I hear noises and I'm scared.
You're alone for the first time in your life.
If it's perfectly natural to feel
frightened You don't know how I feel.
Carolyn, may I call you Carolyn?
Let me just check some things out so at least
we're confident that our decision is an informed one.
I don't know.
Can you just humor an overprotective
attorney for a few days?
I'm sorry.
I know that I'm not making much sense, but it's just I
I'm afraid to stay home alone.
I'm afraid to go out.
I'm I'm a mess, and I I know that you're vulnerable.
I just don't want you victimized by one
short period of insecurity.
Now, I've asked for a meeting for Friday.
Can you give me just till then to review all this?
Rox, let's confirm the glass bathroom.
I've got a meeting for Friday.
Is 11 O'clock all right with you, Mrs. Glasspan?
Bye-bye.
And whenever you're in that courtroom,
I want you sitting side by side.
You'll take each other's hand from time to
time to lend support.
Every time the jury shoots a glance at
you, I want them to see a close, loving family.
The kids have to be there all the time?
Yes, they remind the jury that it wasn't
just your son who was killed in that accident.
It was also their little brother.
I don't mean to sound cynical, and I wouldn't be stressing
this if we didn't have to be our best in court tomorrow.
Now, when I introduce the pictures of the accident
and of Anthony, I don't want anybody looking at them.
You look straight down.
They're too painful to view.
I've seen them 100 times, Mr. Sifuentes.
I think we can take it.
I don't want the jury to see that you can take it.
These shots will make them squeamish.
The last thing I want is you people looking stoic.
When they look at you, I want them to see hurt.
Which brings me to your testimony, Patty.
Now, in your deposition, you were the
brave little soldier with a lot of
one-word answers, but tomorrow,
you've got to let it come out.
I want you to take your time and describe
everything you saw, everything you felt.
Okay?
As much detail as possible.
Is this really necessary?
Well, the emotional distress claim won't be worth much unless
she gets up there on the stand and describes the horror.
You've got to tell them how he suffered,
how you saw him suffer, and what it did to you.
You've got to make that jury feel like
they were right there in the car with you.
You think you can do that?
I don't know.
You've got to try.
Mr. Sifuentes.
I know this is hard.
Believe me, I do.
But what you've got to keep remembering is that
they won't compensate you for pain they can't see.
If we don't reenact that horror and
unearth some of that grief nothing is
going to compensate us for the loss of our
little boy I know that ma'am but you've
come this far we'll be okay can can you
excuse us for a second.
Certainly I'll take her back to my office
and go over her testimony no I don't want
you to Victor she's going to be a mess on
that stand tomorrow which is exactly the
way we want her I need her pain The pain
spilling out on everyone in that courtroom.
The bigger the mess, the bigger the judgment.
Now, Professor Lahamadu, could you please describe for the
court the manner in which these sperm samples are collected?
Well, the first of the two methods is electroejaculation.
However, that's rather an aversive experience for
the animal, and the far more common technique is to
Objection to the question, Your Honor,
and I renew my objection as to the
admissibility of Professor Lahamudu's testimony in general.
What's at issue here is whether my client
stole it and how much it was worth.
The manner in which the bull expresses
himself is of no relevance whatsoever.
Tell that to the bull.
Your Honor, it's imperative that the jury
understand the intricate process involved here.
Come on, we all know how it works.
It's not that simple, Judge.
They don't just send the bull behind a
hayloft with a magazine and a baggie.
Miss Van Owen.
It is a protracted and expensive process, Your
Honor, one which the dairy industry takes very seriously.
Look, I'll let him briefly describe it, but keep it short.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Please continue, Professor.
Certainly.
The bull is led from the pen into a collection area.
If he's an experienced animal, he knows what's
coming, so he's already in a state of excitation.
What happens next?
By this time, the technician has tethered a stimulus.
Uh, I should add that, uh, most of the time, a male
stimulus is used to prevent accidental intromission.
You mean the bull will engage with another male?
A sexually naive animal, no.
But a mature bull will mount almost anything.
Miss Van Owen!
We're almost finished, Your Honor.
After the bull mounts, the animal
technician takes hold of his
Can I say the P word?
Just continue.
He takes hold of the member and inserts it
into an artificial
Can I say the V word?
Counsel, in my chambers, right now.
Why don't you call Peter?
I tried him.
Can you believe he has a girlfriend?
To tell you the truth, my feelings are a little hurt.
Well, you can't blame him.
You didn't give him much encouragement.
Since when do men need encouragement?
Whatever happened to ardent pursuit?
You could go by yourself, you know.
Oh, to my cousin's wedding?
Do you have any idea how many of my aunts
and uncles are going to be there?
They're all going to be whispering about my
divorce, feeling sorry for me, and trying to fix me up.
Yeah.
How'd you do?
No luck.
You didn't tell these people my whole life story, did you?
No, I just said, you know, you were a
colleague of mine, you were in a tight spot.
Not, not one nibble?
Uh-uh.
And I asked everybody.
Mike Rudenberg's got Laker tickets that night, but
maybe he'd like to meet you, you know, like later in life.
And Marty Schreiber just got married, you believe that?
Unbelievable.
And Danny Glovis thanked me profusely, but
he's taken a vow of chastity as a Oh, don't ask.
What are you telling these people?
I don't want to go to bed with them, I just
want someone to take me to a wedding.
That's all I said.
Oh, I give up.
I'm, I, it's all over for me anyway.
I'm 26 years old.
I'm terminally divorced.
On June 20th, 1983, Patricia Brophy got in her car to
drive her 11-year-old brother Anthony to baseball practice.
They never got there.
A truck driver who had dozed off at the
wheel ran through a red light and smashed
his six-ton vehicle into Patty's car, knocking it
through a fence on the other side of the road.
When the police and firemen arrived,
they had to use the jaws of life to pull
Patty free of the wreckage and rush her to the hospital.
But her little brother was not as lucky.
Anthony Brophy's life ended in that car crash,
while his family's nightmare was just beginning.
Well, those are the facts in this case.
And except for one small area of
disagreement, they are indisputable.
The only issue is how we, all of us good, compassionate
people, assess a dollar value on the loss of a child's life.
I know to many of you the very idea of
this sounds offensive.
It cheapens life to say that the loss of
an 11-year-old boy is worth a quarter of a
million dollars or half a million dollars
or even a hundred million dollars.
The life of Anthony Brophy and the loss
that this family has suffered cannot be
measured monetarily, but sadly, money is the only
source of redress available to this family under the law.
Now, the Brophys have entrusted
their case to me, but when Mr.
Pass and I, in all our all the other witnesses
that you'll be hearing from are through,
the hardest work of all will fall on you,
as you decide how to compensate this
family for what was so cruelly taken away from them.
I know that you will live up to that responsibility.
Thank you.
I show you this vial, Mr. Levanchi,
and I ask if you can identify it.
It contains the seed of my prized bull,
Champion Black Barney.
I see the initials BB.
Now, by seed, you mean semen.
Yes, ma'am.
Mr. Levanchi, if you recall, how
much of Champion Black Barney's
seed was stored in the Los
Angeles County Veterinary Center?
50 straws, over 500 cc.
And can you state for us the value of those 50 straws?
Objection.
He knows the market value.
He can answer.
Barney's sperm, and I apologize.
For the graphic language, sold for over $2,000 a straw.
That man stole over $100,000 from me.
Objection.
Sustained.
The jury will disregard that last characterization.
How much more of Barney's sperm do you
currently have in your possession,
Mr. LaVanche?
All of it gone for what you see.
It's the last of my Barney, my champion.
Why is that?
Well, he ran out of gas about 18 months ago.
Only shoots blanks now.
I'd like to try to start a whole new herd
with a few drops of them I got left.
Don't you have other bulls, Mr. LaVanche?
Oh, not like him.
A cattle rancher gets a bull like Champion
Black Barney once in a lifetime, if ever.
A good share of my business is mortgaged
to the profits I'd make from his heritage.
Now all that's gone.
No more questions.
No cries.
You may step down.
So you're saying, doctor, that it's possible for the boy
to have survived for a few minutes after impact, correct?
That's absolutely correct.
Thank you, doctor.
Your witness.
Dr. Christie, given the nature of the
crash and the severity of the boy's
injury, isn't it likely that he died instantly?
It's likely, but it's not definite.
And it's not probable that he was ever
conscious after impact, is it?
Not probable.
Thank you, sir.
That's all.
You can step down, Dr. Christie.
Your Honor, the plaintiff calls Patricia
Brophy to the stand.
I call your attention, Patty, to the
afternoon of June 20th, 1983, and I ask
you what, if anything unusual, occurred on that date.
I was driving my little brother,
Anthony, to baseball practice,
and there was an accident.
Patty, I want you to take your time now
and tell the jury exactly what happened
from the moment you got in the car.
I had just left home.
I was about a mile or so from my house,
and I came to the intersection.
I came to the intersection of Rod Road and
Kennedy Drive, and then the light was green, so I kept
I proceeded, and then from the left,
this truck came at us, straight at us.
I hit my brakes, but it came too fast, and it
knocked us off the road and into the fence.
Do you remember what happened next?
There was blood.
From my head.
I remember reaching up and touching my forehead.
There was blood coming down the side.
And I kept thinking that this really didn't happen.
Then I looked up at Anthony.
He
What did you see, Patty?
He he was looking at me.
One of the pickets from the fence
was sticking through his shoulder.
He he tried
What did he do, Patty?
He he tried to reach me.
He he just looked at me.
He couldn't move his arms, but, um
but he was wiggling his fingers.
Like like he was trying to reach me.
Oh, he was so scared.
He was so scared.
And then he said
What did he say, Patty?
He said, don't tell Daddy.
Could.
I get you some coffee or something?
No, I'm fine, thank you.
Arnie?
This is I appreciate your taking
the time to meet with me, Mr. Becker.
Call me Arnie.
Only after hours.
So what can I do for you, Ms. Quintana?
Well, as I explained in my note,
I've recently left the LAPD.
Do you mind if I ask why?
Among my other skills, Mr. Becker,
I'm a licensed pilot, a third-degree black
belt, I can bench press 200 pounds,
I've climbed mountains, raced motorcycles,
and quarter horses.
So let's just say pushing.
A pencil down at Parker Center wasn't my
idea of life in the fast Lane.
So now you've set up your own P.I.
agency.
And I'm trying to build a select clientele.
Well, your background is very interesting, and
you certainly look like a very healthy specimen.
But the truth is, I already have several
investigators who are more than adequate to my needs.
Well, with all due regard to those other individuals,
and I do know and respect most of them, I'm better.
Really?
Really.
Oh, okay, let me ask you this, hypothetically, of course.
Let's say I have a client who's married to
a successful physician, leaves her,
files for divorce and cries poverty.
What are you going to do for me between
now and Friday that my other investigators can't?
Well, judging from the little that you're
telling me, he's either stolen it,
gambled it away, put it up his nose or
found another woman or all of the above.
What kind of doctor?
Plastic surgeon.
I guess it's another woman.
And since most doctors are too busy and
too cheap for a hotel, office in Century City?
Mm-hmm.
They're probably doing it in his office.
I'll get you a videotape.
The people I already have in this case
tell me that's impossible.
Shouldn't be.
Not for somebody with professional
expertise in long lens video surveillance
and a nice working relationship with the
Century City window washing service.
I don't know.
No disrespect intended, Miss Quintana, but I
find it a little hard to believe everything you say.
Like what?
Bench press 200 pounds?
It's got to be nearly twice your body weight.
If I can take you down, will you give me
this divorce case of yours?
What do I get if I win?
Anything you want.
Victor?
A minute?
Do you mind waiting for me in the witness room?
There's a discussion.
Two hundred for the boy, one fifty for the
girl, and let's get the hell out of here.
Come on, Victor.
She's getting a buck and a half for a
scratch, and he lived a few seconds at most.
It's the best I can do.
I went to the mat for it.
All right, let me talk to them, Harry.
I'll tell the judge we want a trail till tomorrow.
They have just upped their offer to three
hundred and fifty.
Three hundred and fifty thousand.
Take it.
Settle.
What do you think?
It's an acceptable offer.
But you think we can do better?
My God, do you think any amount of money
will make things better?
What are we supposed to do with it?
Buy a swimming pool?
Go to Europe?
You think I give a damn about the money?
I am pushing this so at least something
good comes out of this mess.
You're pushing this because you're afraid
to put Anthony's death behind us.
I don't think this is the time or the place.
To hell with the trial.
Take whatever you want.
Take whatever they're offering and let's
get on with our life.
What life?
I lost my son.
He was my son, too.
If you hadn't been too damn lazy to drive
him yourself, he'd probably still be alive.
You think if I'd been behind the wheel,
it would have been any different?
It was a senseless, meaningless accident.
And you have taken it out on me with your
coldness, your looks, your accusations,
your silence, like it was some sort of
conspiracy to Rob you of your son.
Well, it wasn't.
It was an accident.
And maybe if you could have forgiven then,
this family could have gotten past it.
How can I ever forgive?
Somebody has to pay.
We are all paying, you bastard.
Don't you swear at your father.
Mother, I am 20 years old going on 16.
I don't have a life.
You should have been helping me.
And instead, you've been punishing me for
something that is not my fault.
Be quiet right now.
No, I will not be quiet.
We've been quiet too long.
I am the one who goes to bed at night and
sees him, sees the blood on him,
sees him pinned to the car seat, and I can't
come to breakfast in the morning unless I'm smiling?
I am sorry I killed him, okay?
I wish it was me instead, all right?
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
None of the stolen merchandise has been
directly connected to my client,
with the exception of the one vial that was found in an
apartment shared by my client with three other roommates.
None of the stolen samples can be linked
to Mr. Bauer in any way.
And I would respectfully request this jury to return
a verdict, the only verdict consistent with that fact.
And that's not guilty.
Thank you.
When I was 22 years old, I got called for jury
duty, and I remember being so excited about it.
I thought maybe it would be a bank robbery or one of
those socialite murders or even a government scandal.
Turned out to be a grocery clerk who
assaulted a checkout girl with a cantaloupe.
I felt kind of cheated.
And now I look at you.
I mean, you come down here, you get the
big speech about civil duty, your
obligation to uphold the law and serve your
community, and all you get for your trouble is bull semen.
And everybody here, including me, has given
birth to at least one smirk since this thing began.
But believe it or not, I was glad to see
you people laugh from time to time.
It was Mark Twain.
It was Mark Twain who said, show me a
person who knows what's funny,
and I'll show you somebody who knows what's not.
And it's funny to think that the product of an animal's
sexual expression could be the object of a criminal trial.
It's probably even funny to think that people make careers
out of freezing little test tubes of a bull's heritage.
But what's not funny is that the defendant
broke into a building in the middle of the
night, bound and gagged a night watchman at gunpoint.
And stole property valued at over $100,000.
What's not funny is that the defendant
deprived Mr. LaVanche and his family of
everything they worked so hard to accomplish.
What's not funny is that a very real crime
was committed here with a very real victim.
You've got an eyewitness who saw the
defendant leave the building.
You have a positive identification from the night watchman.
A vial of the semen was found in his house.
Now, I don't expect you to ignore your
sense of humor, nor do I expect you to let
it hinder your ability to do what's right here.
So go ahead and giggle your way to justice if
you are so inclined, just as long as you get there.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's 64 minutes.
Excuse me.
A case like this, if they're not back with
a guilty in the first hour, it's a hung jury.
Yeah, 10 bucks says you were so eloquent that the only
thing they're arguing is whether they can get the guy life.
I'll collect after my basketball game.
Victor?
I'm pretty whipped, and I gotta get up
early in the morning.
Don't want to cross-examine Patty, won't they?
Yeah.
Probably a whole day of it.
So, I think I'm going to head home.
No way.
You need this.
Hey, a little half-court, tripping, gouging, flying elbows.
This will relax you, Victor.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Ladies.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Call me if your jury comes in.
Thanks.
I hate to lose.
Who doesn't?
Oh, but this one.
This had to be the silliest trial I've ever had.
People's Exhibit E.
A full-size photo of Barney and all his tumescent boys.
Okay.
I'm a city girl.
Are we talking bigger than a bread box?
Well, I'll say that if I were a cow, I wouldn't
be wasting my time hanging around Salt Lake.
Well, too bad he's out of commission.
I could have asked him out for Friday night.
What?
Uh, cousin's wedding, your basic suitable escort trauma.
Now, what I don't understand is that there
used to be single men in this town.
Now, you two got the last two good ones,
and there aren't any left.
Oh, come on, there are plenty of guys out there.
Really?
You want to tell me again what it was like before Stuart?
Oh, God, what if she's right?
That is ridiculous.
I mean, what about Victor?
He's, um
Yes, he is.
I already asked him, and he said no.
He didn't say no.
He said he was busy.
Well, what do you say when you don't want
to go out with someone?
You say, I'm busy.
Or when I'm busy, I say I'm busy.
You see?
A genuine, certified, great single man
just walked into this bar.
No, no, no, no.
What are you doing?
I won't be obvious, I promise.
This is so embarrassing.
Don't be silly.
Now, it's hard to get back into circulation.
No, you stop.
Abby, I want you to meet an old friend of mine.
Abigail Perkins, meet George Handelman.
Oh, boy.
What?
Um, I've already had the pleasure.
Oh, uh, well, I started to tell George
that you have a wedding to go to.
I don't think he'd be interested.
Sure, that'd be fine.
Hey, Grace, your jury's coming in.
Great.
Well, have a good time.
So, how about them Lakers?
Has the jury reached a verdict?
We have.
In the matter of the people versus Leonard
Bauer, how say you?
On counts one and two of criminal
complaint number 4276, we, the jury,
find the defendant, Leonard Bauer, guilty.
Sentencing to take place two weeks from today.
Thank you.
I once again thank you, members of the
jury, and this court is adjourned.
Good luck, Mr. Levanchi.
Mr. Van Owen?
Are you pleased with the jury's decision, Ms. Van Owen?
It's a great victory.
Are the Bulls of America going to sleep
better tonight because of this verdict?
At least their owners will, as well as all
citizens concerned with the enforcement of
justice sure, swift, and certain in this country.
Are you saying that this case has national significance?
I'd say it's seminal.
Hello, Victor, Abby.
Good morning.
Where's Patty?
Well, we've talked it over.
If it's still on the table, we'd like to
accept their offer.
Settle the case.
I'm sure the offer's still good,
but before I talk to them, are you sure?
We've spent a long night with it.
Yes, we're sure.
Look, folks, uh, I've been thinking a lot.
I've been thinking a lot about this, too.
And I hope the way that I've conducted
this case isn't forcing you into a
decision that you're going to regret later on.
It won't.
What you forced us to do was to take a
long, hard look at ourselves.
Yesterday, last night, was the first time since
Anthony was killed that we actually talked to each other.
The truth is, Victor, we owe you more than
you'll ever know.
Morning, people.
Why don't you two go grab a quick cup of
coffee, let me do my thing with the
opposing counsel, and, uh, maybe we can
all put this one behind us.
Do I sense here a meeting of minds?
She's here.
Sorry I'm late.
I got held up.
How you doing?
Awful.
I just want to get this over with.
Why aren't they here?
Push the meeting back half an hour.
I thought you might want to know what I
found out before I spring it on your husband.
What are you talking about?
He's buried assets?
He's raped your joint accounts?
No, I didn't authorize this.
You did.
I told you what I was going to do.
No, no, no.
I don't want to know about it.
All right, Carolyn, if you want to go into
this meeting and accept the crumbs off
your husband's table, that's totally your decision.
But I would be remiss if I didn't advise
you of the fact that he has systematically
and with obvious forethought lied to you, stolen from you.
Stop it!
I don't want to hear about it!
Cheat it on me!
Why are you doing this to me?
I'm not doing it to you, Carolyn.
Your husband is.
Fine.
If he wants the money, he can have it.
I just want to have this over with!
If it were only the money, that would be one thing.
But it's not.
What is that?
Your husband is involved with another woman.
That's where the money's gone, Carolyn.
Building up hidden accounts so he can dump
you and go off with her.
You're lying.
You're trying to turn me against a man who
has never done anything to hurt me.
Unfortunately.
Unfortunately, this videotape doesn't lie.
Then show it to me.
It'll hurt you.
I want to see it.
I'd advise against it.
Damn it, you work for me!
Oh, my God, no.
Sleazy, disgusting, lying piece.
I totally slept with my sister!
Carolyn, what have you been telling her?
My own sister!
How about you?
I'll kill her.
Carolyn, sit down.
I will kill that little bitch!
I will kill both of you!
I don't know what you're talking about.
She is talking about this tape of you and your lover
in your office engaged in an X-rated game of doctor.
Whether he and the lady formed an emotional
attachment is of no relevance to this proceeding.
If he's capable of deceiving her on this scale,
we believe he'd deceive her about anything.
Oh, you scum, you monster!
Look, we came down here to sign an agreement.
Not this one, sir.
This is trash.
Could you do that to me after the family
weekends that we spent together in Palm Springs?
Oh, for God's sake, Carolyn, what do you want from me?
I work like a mule.
If I take what little consolation life has
to offer me in the arms of a woman who
isn't afraid of her own shadow, a
woman who isn't afraid to express her love.
I'm not a woman, my sister!
Oh, the two of you must have had fun laughing at bed!
How could I, Carolyn?
You were never out of it.
Oh, you malignant bastard.
I hate you!
Oh, my God!
She shot me!
I don't believe she shot me!
Somebody get me a doctor, please!
She She shot me!
Oh!
Oh!
God!
Look,
let me talk to him.
I'll make sure he gets down to the station, all right?
Okay.
How is he?
He'll survive.
It missed the main artery.
They want you to go to the police station
to make a statement.
I think you better tell me exactly what happened.
It's my fault that's what happened.
It's all my fault.
You can say that one more time, and then that's the
last time I ever want to hear that come out of your mouth.
I should have picked it up the minute she
walked in here, Mike.
She was a basket case.
They all are during a divorce.
Oh, this was different.
I mean, there were signs all over the place.
But all I could see was the damn settlement
that her husband was trying to gaslight her into.
Which is why she came to you in the first place.
The husband is doing the sister, and I put
the damn picture right on the TV set for her.
Porno movies.
Did you force her to watch?
No.
No, she wanted to do it.
But I shouldn't have let her.
She was under psychiatrist's care.
How many distraught wives have you
represented in your career?
I know, I know, I know, I know.
You didn't do anything illegal here, Arnie.
Great.
Great, so I don't go to jail for the next one.
Five years, but I've still got to live with myself.
You can't be responsible for the one client in
hundreds who comes in here and goes off the deep end.
Here.
Here.
Put your coat on.
I'll drive you to the station.
Here's the number of the restaurant where
we'll be after the ceremony.
If there's an emergency, his pediatrician's
number is right over the telephone.
Don't worry, we'll do great.
Okay, honey, let's settle down, okay?
Hi.
Hi.
Come on in.
Eric, get up.
Who's he?
This is Mr. Handelman.
And who are you?
I'm He-Man.
Can I get you anything?
No, I'm fine.
Thanks again for bailing me out.
My pleasure.
Okay, Eric, it's time to go to bed.
No.
Eric?
What's that?
Where?
Sticking out of your ear.
How could you hear anything?
You had a quarter in there.
Let me see the other one.
How did you do that?
It's magic.
Now watch this.
Do it again.
Well, maybe next time, because you've got to go to bed now.
Okay, honey, come on.
Let's say goodnight to Mr. Handelman.
I want more magic.
Come on.
Do you mind?
Be my guest.
It's right through there.
You know, I have a son who's almost six,
and he's a big fan of G.I.
Joe.
Does he live with you?
Well, sometimes with me, and sometimes with his mom.
Here, scoot over.
Now, one more trick, and then lights out.
Deal?
Okay.
Okay.
You watch this.
Keep your eyes on the dollar bill.
Hey.
Go ahead, take it.
Good night, Eric.
Night.
Night, sweetheart.
Night.
Oh, wait a minute.
Now, I'm going to take this dollar bill
and I'm going to put it on your bookcase,
but don't spend it, because it's a magic dollar bill.
That was fantastic.
Thank you.
It's my pleasure.
Previously on L.A.
Law.
It's just that the thought of trying a
case by myself is kind of scary.
Well, the first time always is,
but two days from now, you will be much
more confident, not to mention more marketable.
What are we doing here?
I tried to bleed out, judge.
I even offered to continue it without a finding.
I found your irresponsible rejection of the city
attorney's offer to be shamefully unprofessional.
I lost my first case, too.
Oh, and you just love rubbing my nose in it, don't you?
Not really.
Then why did you come down here?
To ask you out on a date.
A date?
What's with you?
What's with you?
You do everything you can to embarrass me
in court, and then you come marching in here.
Hey, I just tried my case.
You embarrassed yourself.
I don't know what the hell I was thinking
when I came in here.
Your Honor, I would ask for a new trial on
the grounds of AIDS stress syndrome.
I just learned of the AIDS syndrome defense yesterday.
Ms. Van Owen told me about it.
I did what I thought was in the interest of justice.
Well, the official response from this
office is that you screwed up.
Don't do it again, Grace.
By the way, you've been reassigned to night court.
You start tonight.
Look, it's Friday night.
I can't believe the judge will keep us late.
Now, I'd like to make it perfectly clear
that we are going to clear this calendar
in its entirety before anybody gets out of here.
The good news is I threatened to quit
unless they let me out of night court.
The bad news is they took me seriously,
which means I'm still gainfully employed.
You're back in day court?
Downtown felony trials starting Monday.
Okay.
That's great.
Yeah.
Oh, Gracie, I missed you.
Morning, Floyd.
Welcome back, Miss Van Owen.
It's nice to be back.
Gracie, come on in.
You want to see me, Bruce?
Welcome back to day court.
Welcome to day court, Gracie.
Thanks, Richard.
We were just talking about you.
I want you to take off one of Dick's cases.
Fine.
Armed robbery, $100,000 theft.
Why can't you do it?
Uh, personal reasons.
Now, I've already, uh, impaneled the jury,
so it's all set to go.
Am I missing something?
Not a thing.
It's a bit unusual what this guy stole,
but we figured if it's up anybody's alley,
it would have to be yours.
Because you're the only lawyer here who
can do it with a straight face.
You see, that's one of the benefits of
having no sense of humor.
What's the matter with you two?
You could be so hilarious about a $100,000 theft.
Bull semen.
Oh, yeah, the guy knocked over a sperm bank.
15 grand a pint.
Go get him, Gracie.
Bull semen?
Ha, ha, ha.
Rona versus Gradinger.
Settling.
Richardson estate.
Yeah, we're getting some movement on that, actually.
I think the widow is inclined to settle.
Bonora versus Cromwell Aircraft.
Status quo.
A new matter.
Glasband versus Glasband.
A referral from Harley Hunt.
My client's husband did Harley's last facelift.
Which brings us to Brophy versus Valley Distributors, Inc.
Yeah, the trial starts tomorrow.
Family's coming in this morning for final prep.
Have there been any last-minute offers?
75,000 on the wrongful death claim for the little boy.
You declined?
I told him it would take 200,000 to settle it out of court.
Why is it you lose an eye, you get a
million-dollar verdict, you lose your
life, and it's only worth a fraction of that?
This lawyer I know advises his clients, if you
run somebody over, back up and finish off the job.
Compared to maiming, wrongful death's a bargain.
What about the emotional distress claim
for the boy's sister?
Well, they offer $10,000.
I'm looking for $100.
So you get almost as much for witnessing a
death as you do for the death itself.
Well, her kid brother died right before her eyes.
She has to live with that for the rest of her life.
And they think the tax code doesn't make sense.
If you don't mind, people, as we appear to be
finished with the business at hand, I suggest we adjourn.
Oh, um, she was a moment ago.
Do you have any plans for tonight?
I've got a date.
Why?
No, I gotta go to my cousin's wedding.
Oh, I'm sorry, Abby.
It's okay.
I'll think about it.
I'll figure something else out.
I just want this over with.
I'll sign anything he wants.
I just desperately need to get away somewhere.
Mrs. Glasspan, your husband is a big-time plastic surgeon.
He's got to be making close to a million a year.
This proposed agreement shows $35,000 in the bank.
It doesn't pass the smell test.
Look, he's a decent man.
He would never cheat me, please.
I don't have the strength to make a fight out of this.
Which is why you hire a lawyer who does.
And my suggestion, professionally as well
as personally, we sniff his tracks for a
few days, just if for no other reason,
to confirm his decency.
You don't understand.
This divorce is all my fault, my failure.
My psychiatrist says I need to get it behind me.
I don't want to tread on your doctor's
territory, but my experience, in the long
run, you'll feel better if you don't run
away from your problems.
I can't stand another night in that house.
I hear noises and I'm scared.
You're alone for the first time in your life.
If it's perfectly natural to feel
frightened You don't know how I feel.
Carolyn, may I call you Carolyn?
Let me just check some things out so at least
we're confident that our decision is an informed one.
I don't know.
Can you just humor an overprotective
attorney for a few days?
I'm sorry.
I know that I'm not making much sense, but it's just I
I'm afraid to stay home alone.
I'm afraid to go out.
I'm I'm a mess, and I I know that you're vulnerable.
I just don't want you victimized by one
short period of insecurity.
Now, I've asked for a meeting for Friday.
Can you give me just till then to review all this?
Rox, let's confirm the glass bathroom.
I've got a meeting for Friday.
Is 11 O'clock all right with you, Mrs. Glasspan?
Bye-bye.
And whenever you're in that courtroom,
I want you sitting side by side.
You'll take each other's hand from time to
time to lend support.
Every time the jury shoots a glance at
you, I want them to see a close, loving family.
The kids have to be there all the time?
Yes, they remind the jury that it wasn't
just your son who was killed in that accident.
It was also their little brother.
I don't mean to sound cynical, and I wouldn't be stressing
this if we didn't have to be our best in court tomorrow.
Now, when I introduce the pictures of the accident
and of Anthony, I don't want anybody looking at them.
You look straight down.
They're too painful to view.
I've seen them 100 times, Mr. Sifuentes.
I think we can take it.
I don't want the jury to see that you can take it.
These shots will make them squeamish.
The last thing I want is you people looking stoic.
When they look at you, I want them to see hurt.
Which brings me to your testimony, Patty.
Now, in your deposition, you were the
brave little soldier with a lot of
one-word answers, but tomorrow,
you've got to let it come out.
I want you to take your time and describe
everything you saw, everything you felt.
Okay?
As much detail as possible.
Is this really necessary?
Well, the emotional distress claim won't be worth much unless
she gets up there on the stand and describes the horror.
You've got to tell them how he suffered,
how you saw him suffer, and what it did to you.
You've got to make that jury feel like
they were right there in the car with you.
You think you can do that?
I don't know.
You've got to try.
Mr. Sifuentes.
I know this is hard.
Believe me, I do.
But what you've got to keep remembering is that
they won't compensate you for pain they can't see.
If we don't reenact that horror and
unearth some of that grief nothing is
going to compensate us for the loss of our
little boy I know that ma'am but you've
come this far we'll be okay can can you
excuse us for a second.
Certainly I'll take her back to my office
and go over her testimony no I don't want
you to Victor she's going to be a mess on
that stand tomorrow which is exactly the
way we want her I need her pain The pain
spilling out on everyone in that courtroom.
The bigger the mess, the bigger the judgment.
Now, Professor Lahamadu, could you please describe for the
court the manner in which these sperm samples are collected?
Well, the first of the two methods is electroejaculation.
However, that's rather an aversive experience for
the animal, and the far more common technique is to
Objection to the question, Your Honor,
and I renew my objection as to the
admissibility of Professor Lahamudu's testimony in general.
What's at issue here is whether my client
stole it and how much it was worth.
The manner in which the bull expresses
himself is of no relevance whatsoever.
Tell that to the bull.
Your Honor, it's imperative that the jury
understand the intricate process involved here.
Come on, we all know how it works.
It's not that simple, Judge.
They don't just send the bull behind a
hayloft with a magazine and a baggie.
Miss Van Owen.
It is a protracted and expensive process, Your
Honor, one which the dairy industry takes very seriously.
Look, I'll let him briefly describe it, but keep it short.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Please continue, Professor.
Certainly.
The bull is led from the pen into a collection area.
If he's an experienced animal, he knows what's
coming, so he's already in a state of excitation.
What happens next?
By this time, the technician has tethered a stimulus.
Uh, I should add that, uh, most of the time, a male
stimulus is used to prevent accidental intromission.
You mean the bull will engage with another male?
A sexually naive animal, no.
But a mature bull will mount almost anything.
Miss Van Owen!
We're almost finished, Your Honor.
After the bull mounts, the animal
technician takes hold of his
Can I say the P word?
Just continue.
He takes hold of the member and inserts it
into an artificial
Can I say the V word?
Counsel, in my chambers, right now.
Why don't you call Peter?
I tried him.
Can you believe he has a girlfriend?
To tell you the truth, my feelings are a little hurt.
Well, you can't blame him.
You didn't give him much encouragement.
Since when do men need encouragement?
Whatever happened to ardent pursuit?
You could go by yourself, you know.
Oh, to my cousin's wedding?
Do you have any idea how many of my aunts
and uncles are going to be there?
They're all going to be whispering about my
divorce, feeling sorry for me, and trying to fix me up.
Yeah.
How'd you do?
No luck.
You didn't tell these people my whole life story, did you?
No, I just said, you know, you were a
colleague of mine, you were in a tight spot.
Not, not one nibble?
Uh-uh.
And I asked everybody.
Mike Rudenberg's got Laker tickets that night, but
maybe he'd like to meet you, you know, like later in life.
And Marty Schreiber just got married, you believe that?
Unbelievable.
And Danny Glovis thanked me profusely, but
he's taken a vow of chastity as a Oh, don't ask.
What are you telling these people?
I don't want to go to bed with them, I just
want someone to take me to a wedding.
That's all I said.
Oh, I give up.
I'm, I, it's all over for me anyway.
I'm 26 years old.
I'm terminally divorced.
On June 20th, 1983, Patricia Brophy got in her car to
drive her 11-year-old brother Anthony to baseball practice.
They never got there.
A truck driver who had dozed off at the
wheel ran through a red light and smashed
his six-ton vehicle into Patty's car, knocking it
through a fence on the other side of the road.
When the police and firemen arrived,
they had to use the jaws of life to pull
Patty free of the wreckage and rush her to the hospital.
But her little brother was not as lucky.
Anthony Brophy's life ended in that car crash,
while his family's nightmare was just beginning.
Well, those are the facts in this case.
And except for one small area of
disagreement, they are indisputable.
The only issue is how we, all of us good, compassionate
people, assess a dollar value on the loss of a child's life.
I know to many of you the very idea of
this sounds offensive.
It cheapens life to say that the loss of
an 11-year-old boy is worth a quarter of a
million dollars or half a million dollars
or even a hundred million dollars.
The life of Anthony Brophy and the loss
that this family has suffered cannot be
measured monetarily, but sadly, money is the only
source of redress available to this family under the law.
Now, the Brophys have entrusted
their case to me, but when Mr.
Pass and I, in all our all the other witnesses
that you'll be hearing from are through,
the hardest work of all will fall on you,
as you decide how to compensate this
family for what was so cruelly taken away from them.
I know that you will live up to that responsibility.
Thank you.
I show you this vial, Mr. Levanchi,
and I ask if you can identify it.
It contains the seed of my prized bull,
Champion Black Barney.
I see the initials BB.
Now, by seed, you mean semen.
Yes, ma'am.
Mr. Levanchi, if you recall, how
much of Champion Black Barney's
seed was stored in the Los
Angeles County Veterinary Center?
50 straws, over 500 cc.
And can you state for us the value of those 50 straws?
Objection.
He knows the market value.
He can answer.
Barney's sperm, and I apologize.
For the graphic language, sold for over $2,000 a straw.
That man stole over $100,000 from me.
Objection.
Sustained.
The jury will disregard that last characterization.
How much more of Barney's sperm do you
currently have in your possession,
Mr. LaVanche?
All of it gone for what you see.
It's the last of my Barney, my champion.
Why is that?
Well, he ran out of gas about 18 months ago.
Only shoots blanks now.
I'd like to try to start a whole new herd
with a few drops of them I got left.
Don't you have other bulls, Mr. LaVanche?
Oh, not like him.
A cattle rancher gets a bull like Champion
Black Barney once in a lifetime, if ever.
A good share of my business is mortgaged
to the profits I'd make from his heritage.
Now all that's gone.
No more questions.
No cries.
You may step down.
So you're saying, doctor, that it's possible for the boy
to have survived for a few minutes after impact, correct?
That's absolutely correct.
Thank you, doctor.
Your witness.
Dr. Christie, given the nature of the
crash and the severity of the boy's
injury, isn't it likely that he died instantly?
It's likely, but it's not definite.
And it's not probable that he was ever
conscious after impact, is it?
Not probable.
Thank you, sir.
That's all.
You can step down, Dr. Christie.
Your Honor, the plaintiff calls Patricia
Brophy to the stand.
I call your attention, Patty, to the
afternoon of June 20th, 1983, and I ask
you what, if anything unusual, occurred on that date.
I was driving my little brother,
Anthony, to baseball practice,
and there was an accident.
Patty, I want you to take your time now
and tell the jury exactly what happened
from the moment you got in the car.
I had just left home.
I was about a mile or so from my house,
and I came to the intersection.
I came to the intersection of Rod Road and
Kennedy Drive, and then the light was green, so I kept
I proceeded, and then from the left,
this truck came at us, straight at us.
I hit my brakes, but it came too fast, and it
knocked us off the road and into the fence.
Do you remember what happened next?
There was blood.
From my head.
I remember reaching up and touching my forehead.
There was blood coming down the side.
And I kept thinking that this really didn't happen.
Then I looked up at Anthony.
He
What did you see, Patty?
He he was looking at me.
One of the pickets from the fence
was sticking through his shoulder.
He he tried
What did he do, Patty?
He he tried to reach me.
He he just looked at me.
He couldn't move his arms, but, um
but he was wiggling his fingers.
Like like he was trying to reach me.
Oh, he was so scared.
He was so scared.
And then he said
What did he say, Patty?
He said, don't tell Daddy.
Could.
I get you some coffee or something?
No, I'm fine, thank you.
Arnie?
This is I appreciate your taking
the time to meet with me, Mr. Becker.
Call me Arnie.
Only after hours.
So what can I do for you, Ms. Quintana?
Well, as I explained in my note,
I've recently left the LAPD.
Do you mind if I ask why?
Among my other skills, Mr. Becker,
I'm a licensed pilot, a third-degree black
belt, I can bench press 200 pounds,
I've climbed mountains, raced motorcycles,
and quarter horses.
So let's just say pushing.
A pencil down at Parker Center wasn't my
idea of life in the fast Lane.
So now you've set up your own P.I.
agency.
And I'm trying to build a select clientele.
Well, your background is very interesting, and
you certainly look like a very healthy specimen.
But the truth is, I already have several
investigators who are more than adequate to my needs.
Well, with all due regard to those other individuals,
and I do know and respect most of them, I'm better.
Really?
Really.
Oh, okay, let me ask you this, hypothetically, of course.
Let's say I have a client who's married to
a successful physician, leaves her,
files for divorce and cries poverty.
What are you going to do for me between
now and Friday that my other investigators can't?
Well, judging from the little that you're
telling me, he's either stolen it,
gambled it away, put it up his nose or
found another woman or all of the above.
What kind of doctor?
Plastic surgeon.
I guess it's another woman.
And since most doctors are too busy and
too cheap for a hotel, office in Century City?
Mm-hmm.
They're probably doing it in his office.
I'll get you a videotape.
The people I already have in this case
tell me that's impossible.
Shouldn't be.
Not for somebody with professional
expertise in long lens video surveillance
and a nice working relationship with the
Century City window washing service.
I don't know.
No disrespect intended, Miss Quintana, but I
find it a little hard to believe everything you say.
Like what?
Bench press 200 pounds?
It's got to be nearly twice your body weight.
If I can take you down, will you give me
this divorce case of yours?
What do I get if I win?
Anything you want.
Victor?
A minute?
Do you mind waiting for me in the witness room?
There's a discussion.
Two hundred for the boy, one fifty for the
girl, and let's get the hell out of here.
Come on, Victor.
She's getting a buck and a half for a
scratch, and he lived a few seconds at most.
It's the best I can do.
I went to the mat for it.
All right, let me talk to them, Harry.
I'll tell the judge we want a trail till tomorrow.
They have just upped their offer to three
hundred and fifty.
Three hundred and fifty thousand.
Take it.
Settle.
What do you think?
It's an acceptable offer.
But you think we can do better?
My God, do you think any amount of money
will make things better?
What are we supposed to do with it?
Buy a swimming pool?
Go to Europe?
You think I give a damn about the money?
I am pushing this so at least something
good comes out of this mess.
You're pushing this because you're afraid
to put Anthony's death behind us.
I don't think this is the time or the place.
To hell with the trial.
Take whatever you want.
Take whatever they're offering and let's
get on with our life.
What life?
I lost my son.
He was my son, too.
If you hadn't been too damn lazy to drive
him yourself, he'd probably still be alive.
You think if I'd been behind the wheel,
it would have been any different?
It was a senseless, meaningless accident.
And you have taken it out on me with your
coldness, your looks, your accusations,
your silence, like it was some sort of
conspiracy to Rob you of your son.
Well, it wasn't.
It was an accident.
And maybe if you could have forgiven then,
this family could have gotten past it.
How can I ever forgive?
Somebody has to pay.
We are all paying, you bastard.
Don't you swear at your father.
Mother, I am 20 years old going on 16.
I don't have a life.
You should have been helping me.
And instead, you've been punishing me for
something that is not my fault.
Be quiet right now.
No, I will not be quiet.
We've been quiet too long.
I am the one who goes to bed at night and
sees him, sees the blood on him,
sees him pinned to the car seat, and I can't
come to breakfast in the morning unless I'm smiling?
I am sorry I killed him, okay?
I wish it was me instead, all right?
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
None of the stolen merchandise has been
directly connected to my client,
with the exception of the one vial that was found in an
apartment shared by my client with three other roommates.
None of the stolen samples can be linked
to Mr. Bauer in any way.
And I would respectfully request this jury to return
a verdict, the only verdict consistent with that fact.
And that's not guilty.
Thank you.
When I was 22 years old, I got called for jury
duty, and I remember being so excited about it.
I thought maybe it would be a bank robbery or one of
those socialite murders or even a government scandal.
Turned out to be a grocery clerk who
assaulted a checkout girl with a cantaloupe.
I felt kind of cheated.
And now I look at you.
I mean, you come down here, you get the
big speech about civil duty, your
obligation to uphold the law and serve your
community, and all you get for your trouble is bull semen.
And everybody here, including me, has given
birth to at least one smirk since this thing began.
But believe it or not, I was glad to see
you people laugh from time to time.
It was Mark Twain.
It was Mark Twain who said, show me a
person who knows what's funny,
and I'll show you somebody who knows what's not.
And it's funny to think that the product of an animal's
sexual expression could be the object of a criminal trial.
It's probably even funny to think that people make careers
out of freezing little test tubes of a bull's heritage.
But what's not funny is that the defendant
broke into a building in the middle of the
night, bound and gagged a night watchman at gunpoint.
And stole property valued at over $100,000.
What's not funny is that the defendant
deprived Mr. LaVanche and his family of
everything they worked so hard to accomplish.
What's not funny is that a very real crime
was committed here with a very real victim.
You've got an eyewitness who saw the
defendant leave the building.
You have a positive identification from the night watchman.
A vial of the semen was found in his house.
Now, I don't expect you to ignore your
sense of humor, nor do I expect you to let
it hinder your ability to do what's right here.
So go ahead and giggle your way to justice if
you are so inclined, just as long as you get there.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's 64 minutes.
Excuse me.
A case like this, if they're not back with
a guilty in the first hour, it's a hung jury.
Yeah, 10 bucks says you were so eloquent that the only
thing they're arguing is whether they can get the guy life.
I'll collect after my basketball game.
Victor?
I'm pretty whipped, and I gotta get up
early in the morning.
Don't want to cross-examine Patty, won't they?
Yeah.
Probably a whole day of it.
So, I think I'm going to head home.
No way.
You need this.
Hey, a little half-court, tripping, gouging, flying elbows.
This will relax you, Victor.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Ladies.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Call me if your jury comes in.
Thanks.
I hate to lose.
Who doesn't?
Oh, but this one.
This had to be the silliest trial I've ever had.
People's Exhibit E.
A full-size photo of Barney and all his tumescent boys.
Okay.
I'm a city girl.
Are we talking bigger than a bread box?
Well, I'll say that if I were a cow, I wouldn't
be wasting my time hanging around Salt Lake.
Well, too bad he's out of commission.
I could have asked him out for Friday night.
What?
Uh, cousin's wedding, your basic suitable escort trauma.
Now, what I don't understand is that there
used to be single men in this town.
Now, you two got the last two good ones,
and there aren't any left.
Oh, come on, there are plenty of guys out there.
Really?
You want to tell me again what it was like before Stuart?
Oh, God, what if she's right?
That is ridiculous.
I mean, what about Victor?
He's, um
Yes, he is.
I already asked him, and he said no.
He didn't say no.
He said he was busy.
Well, what do you say when you don't want
to go out with someone?
You say, I'm busy.
Or when I'm busy, I say I'm busy.
You see?
A genuine, certified, great single man
just walked into this bar.
No, no, no, no.
What are you doing?
I won't be obvious, I promise.
This is so embarrassing.
Don't be silly.
Now, it's hard to get back into circulation.
No, you stop.
Abby, I want you to meet an old friend of mine.
Abigail Perkins, meet George Handelman.
Oh, boy.
What?
Um, I've already had the pleasure.
Oh, uh, well, I started to tell George
that you have a wedding to go to.
I don't think he'd be interested.
Sure, that'd be fine.
Hey, Grace, your jury's coming in.
Great.
Well, have a good time.
So, how about them Lakers?
Has the jury reached a verdict?
We have.
In the matter of the people versus Leonard
Bauer, how say you?
On counts one and two of criminal
complaint number 4276, we, the jury,
find the defendant, Leonard Bauer, guilty.
Sentencing to take place two weeks from today.
Thank you.
I once again thank you, members of the
jury, and this court is adjourned.
Good luck, Mr. Levanchi.
Mr. Van Owen?
Are you pleased with the jury's decision, Ms. Van Owen?
It's a great victory.
Are the Bulls of America going to sleep
better tonight because of this verdict?
At least their owners will, as well as all
citizens concerned with the enforcement of
justice sure, swift, and certain in this country.
Are you saying that this case has national significance?
I'd say it's seminal.
Hello, Victor, Abby.
Good morning.
Where's Patty?
Well, we've talked it over.
If it's still on the table, we'd like to
accept their offer.
Settle the case.
I'm sure the offer's still good,
but before I talk to them, are you sure?
We've spent a long night with it.
Yes, we're sure.
Look, folks, uh, I've been thinking a lot.
I've been thinking a lot about this, too.
And I hope the way that I've conducted
this case isn't forcing you into a
decision that you're going to regret later on.
It won't.
What you forced us to do was to take a
long, hard look at ourselves.
Yesterday, last night, was the first time since
Anthony was killed that we actually talked to each other.
The truth is, Victor, we owe you more than
you'll ever know.
Morning, people.
Why don't you two go grab a quick cup of
coffee, let me do my thing with the
opposing counsel, and, uh, maybe we can
all put this one behind us.
Do I sense here a meeting of minds?
She's here.
Sorry I'm late.
I got held up.
How you doing?
Awful.
I just want to get this over with.
Why aren't they here?
Push the meeting back half an hour.
I thought you might want to know what I
found out before I spring it on your husband.
What are you talking about?
He's buried assets?
He's raped your joint accounts?
No, I didn't authorize this.
You did.
I told you what I was going to do.
No, no, no.
I don't want to know about it.
All right, Carolyn, if you want to go into
this meeting and accept the crumbs off
your husband's table, that's totally your decision.
But I would be remiss if I didn't advise
you of the fact that he has systematically
and with obvious forethought lied to you, stolen from you.
Stop it!
I don't want to hear about it!
Cheat it on me!
Why are you doing this to me?
I'm not doing it to you, Carolyn.
Your husband is.
Fine.
If he wants the money, he can have it.
I just want to have this over with!
If it were only the money, that would be one thing.
But it's not.
What is that?
Your husband is involved with another woman.
That's where the money's gone, Carolyn.
Building up hidden accounts so he can dump
you and go off with her.
You're lying.
You're trying to turn me against a man who
has never done anything to hurt me.
Unfortunately.
Unfortunately, this videotape doesn't lie.
Then show it to me.
It'll hurt you.
I want to see it.
I'd advise against it.
Damn it, you work for me!
Oh, my God, no.
Sleazy, disgusting, lying piece.
I totally slept with my sister!
Carolyn, what have you been telling her?
My own sister!
How about you?
I'll kill her.
Carolyn, sit down.
I will kill that little bitch!
I will kill both of you!
I don't know what you're talking about.
She is talking about this tape of you and your lover
in your office engaged in an X-rated game of doctor.
Whether he and the lady formed an emotional
attachment is of no relevance to this proceeding.
If he's capable of deceiving her on this scale,
we believe he'd deceive her about anything.
Oh, you scum, you monster!
Look, we came down here to sign an agreement.
Not this one, sir.
This is trash.
Could you do that to me after the family
weekends that we spent together in Palm Springs?
Oh, for God's sake, Carolyn, what do you want from me?
I work like a mule.
If I take what little consolation life has
to offer me in the arms of a woman who
isn't afraid of her own shadow, a
woman who isn't afraid to express her love.
I'm not a woman, my sister!
Oh, the two of you must have had fun laughing at bed!
How could I, Carolyn?
You were never out of it.
Oh, you malignant bastard.
I hate you!
Oh, my God!
She shot me!
I don't believe she shot me!
Somebody get me a doctor, please!
She She shot me!
Oh!
Oh!
God!
Look,
let me talk to him.
I'll make sure he gets down to the station, all right?
Okay.
How is he?
He'll survive.
It missed the main artery.
They want you to go to the police station
to make a statement.
I think you better tell me exactly what happened.
It's my fault that's what happened.
It's all my fault.
You can say that one more time, and then that's the
last time I ever want to hear that come out of your mouth.
I should have picked it up the minute she
walked in here, Mike.
She was a basket case.
They all are during a divorce.
Oh, this was different.
I mean, there were signs all over the place.
But all I could see was the damn settlement
that her husband was trying to gaslight her into.
Which is why she came to you in the first place.
The husband is doing the sister, and I put
the damn picture right on the TV set for her.
Porno movies.
Did you force her to watch?
No.
No, she wanted to do it.
But I shouldn't have let her.
She was under psychiatrist's care.
How many distraught wives have you
represented in your career?
I know, I know, I know, I know.
You didn't do anything illegal here, Arnie.
Great.
Great, so I don't go to jail for the next one.
Five years, but I've still got to live with myself.
You can't be responsible for the one client in
hundreds who comes in here and goes off the deep end.
Here.
Here.
Put your coat on.
I'll drive you to the station.
Here's the number of the restaurant where
we'll be after the ceremony.
If there's an emergency, his pediatrician's
number is right over the telephone.
Don't worry, we'll do great.
Okay, honey, let's settle down, okay?
Hi.
Hi.
Come on in.
Eric, get up.
Who's he?
This is Mr. Handelman.
And who are you?
I'm He-Man.
Can I get you anything?
No, I'm fine.
Thanks again for bailing me out.
My pleasure.
Okay, Eric, it's time to go to bed.
No.
Eric?
What's that?
Where?
Sticking out of your ear.
How could you hear anything?
You had a quarter in there.
Let me see the other one.
How did you do that?
It's magic.
Now watch this.
Do it again.
Well, maybe next time, because you've got to go to bed now.
Okay, honey, come on.
Let's say goodnight to Mr. Handelman.
I want more magic.
Come on.
Do you mind?
Be my guest.
It's right through there.
You know, I have a son who's almost six,
and he's a big fan of G.I.
Joe.
Does he live with you?
Well, sometimes with me, and sometimes with his mom.
Here, scoot over.
Now, one more trick, and then lights out.
Deal?
Okay.
Okay.
You watch this.
Keep your eyes on the dollar bill.
Hey.
Go ahead, take it.
Good night, Eric.
Night.
Night, sweetheart.
Night.
Oh, wait a minute.
Now, I'm going to take this dollar bill
and I'm going to put it on your bookcase,
but don't spend it, because it's a magic dollar bill.
That was fantastic.
Thank you.
It's my pleasure.