My Three Sons (1960) s01e16 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
(car horn blares)
(baby crying)
BUB: Well, O'Casey, the last time you did this,
you got put to bed without your supper.
That's the good thing about
running away from home at my age:
nobody to make you do anything you don't want to do.
Freedom.
Hot dog.
From now on, that's my middle name.
No more dish washing and cooking and darn kids who don't
appreciate it when you try to give them a hand
with their stupid school report.
Like the other day when I loaned Mike
all my valuable vaudeville scrapbooks.
"Corny," he said.
"Corny."
Well, if that's the way you feel
about it, give me back my stuff.
And stay out of those cookies.
Well, now get sore about it.
BUB: Why should I get sore?
MIKE: Look, I want to use your stuff.
Well, now don't do me any favors.
Hey, you.
I finished.
Hi, Dad. Good-bye.
Hi. Good-bye.
That was Chip, wasn't it?
Yeah.
And don't blame me if he gets in trouble
for not having his homework done.
Those kids are getting so they don't
pay one speck of attention to me.
Not one speck.
Say, Bub, do you remember my
mother's cousin, Selena Bailey?
The one that lives over near South Madison?
Yeah, that's the one.
I got a letter from her today and she
she's coming to spend
a little time with us.
Oh? For how long?
Oh, I don't know, a week or so, I suppose.
Since her husband died
she's been sharing her place with a couple of other widows,
and she said she's just getting tired of sitting around
doing nothing but playing canasta
and watching TV all the time,
so she felt she needed a change.
Well, she'll get it all right.
From her cozy little rose-covered cottage
to this army barracks
filled with homework-dodging,
vaudeville-hating cookie grabbers.
You're worse than the boys.
Don't worry, Bub
BUB: Selena Bailey.
I sure thanked my lucky stars when that old girl pulled in.
Poor old soul.
Didn't know what she was letting herself in for.
Man, I had my hair combed for a whole hour.
What a waste of time.
Old ladies get funny ideas.
Maybe the poor soul was afraid to ride in Mike's jalopy.
He probably didn't even get there.
Got sidetracked with some of his big deal senior buddies.
Oh, Mike wouldn't do that.
Maybe she missed the bus or something.
At least he could call.
How do you like that?
He hasn't even gone.
What?!
Oh, my gosh.
I told Mike three days ago, he's gonna have to
Mike, what are you doing?
Cousin Selena's waiting at the bus station.
Oh, but, Dad, she's
SELLY: Who's at the bus station?
Selly!
Hi, Steve!
I'd give you a big hug, but I don't want to get you
all covered with grease. Well, don't let that stop you.
(chuckles): Oh!
Hey, kids.
Hey, you kids, Selena is here.
We couldn't imagine what had happened to you.
Well, we'd have been in sooner
but we had a little distributor trouble and
The real trouble was with the carburetor.
Sorry we got sidetracked, Steve.
She's an automotive genius, Dad.
Oh, not by a long shot.
But when you grow up with five older brothers,
you spend more time with motors than you do with people.
Selly, you remember Bub?
Hi, sure do.
Hello, Cousin Selena.
I know a couple of widows over in South Madison
who'd think you were a real prize.
(chuckles): Oh.
We've got a couple of widows right here
who think the same thing, Selly.
What a thing for you to say.
Yeah, how 'bout Cynthia Fitz across
the street, Bub? She's always making
googly eyes at you like this. I
seen her over quite often and
Now, knock it off, you two,
and let's help get Cousin Selena's bags out of the car.
Hey, Cousin Selena, I've got a '37 engine in the garage
Robbie, you look exactly like your father did.
It's all mounted on blocks and everything
Only instead of cars, it was airplanes.
CHIP: Cousin Selena? Huh?
What are you gonna fix for breakfast?
Chip, my goodness, how you've grown. Have I?
It's all revved up so it'll run and everything.
Come on, Cousin Selena!
Robbie, Robbie, at least let Cousin Selena
get in the house before you put her to work.
I'm not moving one step
until you stop calling me Cousin Selena
and start calling me Selly.
All right, Selly it is. Selly.
(boys chattering excitedly)
(Tramp barking)
Oh, boy, I sure do love this great big kitchen.
You gonna fix dinner tonight, Selly?
For crying out loud, Robbie,
stop pestering your Cousin Selena.
Selly, Bub, Selly. Thanks.
I can't think of anything I'd rather do than fix dinner,
if it's all right with Bub.
Sure, you bet!
(boys chattering excitedly)
Well, here's the royal suite.
Well, we'll have a look at that.
(all chattering excitedly)
I think I got most of my junk out of your way, Selly,
except maybe some things on that top shelf in there.
Oh, this'll do me just fine.
But I don't like putting you out, Bub.
Oh, don't worry about us.
Mike and I are used to each other's snoring.
STEVE: Uh, come on now, let's all get out of here
and give Selly a chance to relax, huh?
Relax?
I'm chomping at the bit.
ROBBIE: Yeah, see, Dad?
Come on, Selly, let's go.
What's my cookie jar doing around here before mealtime?
I don't know.
I guess maybe Robbie brought it in. Uh-huh.
Well, you can just guess again.
Robbie's been in the garage for the past hour.
Now, you know my rules.
No cookies before meals.
And hang up your coat.
Here!
What did I tell you?
What are you doing in here again?
I'm just waiting for Cousin Selena.
Oh, can't you leave Cousin Selena
out of this for ten minutes?
You'll have her traipsing back
home before she's even settled.
How about some brownies?
Oh, boy, brownies!
Nothing special.
Just something I whipped up to bring along.
You don't have to eat them.
Are you kidding?
Well, I guess one won't spoil your dinner.
Oh, boy!
Selly, come on, I think the fuel line's clogged.
We may have to Brownies!
Boy, when'd you make these, Bub?
MIKE: Selly brought them.
ROBBIE: Boy, are they good.
Bub just makes plain oatmeal cookies.
I'll bet they're good, too.
Yeah, if you like oatmeal.
Well, oatmeal's darn good for you.
You bet it is.
Here, Bub, take one.
Nope, I'm no between-meal cookie grabber.
Oh, go ahead. Come on, Bub, it won't hurt you.
You don't know what you're missing, Bub.
Hey, what about my scooter?
Bring it along, we'll give it a test run in the driveway.
BUB: Darn good brownies.
Well, she's a good cook.
Who said she wasn't?
Man doesn't belong in a kitchen anyway.
She can have the whole place.
I sure never planned to stay there forever.
(buzzing)
(baby crying)
On and on and on.
I just keep rolling along.
They always say a rolling stone gathers no
Better believe it.
Oh, I had plenty of chances to go back at first.
But I don't know.
A fella's got his pride, you know?
And it sure doesn't take long
for folks to forget you, either.
Yep.
Out of sight, out of mind.
You better believe it.
Sometimes I think I was too prideful.
But on the other hand, that's all I really had.
A fella has to do what he has to do.
BUB: You're not kidding, buddy.
And what I've got to do is to get on
that old bus and put some distance
between me and that Douglas crowd.
Doggone 'em.
When they turned my kitchen into a dance hall,
that's when I started saying good-bye.
(Latin music playing)
(dish breaks)
Now look what you made me do.
Darn vaudeville-hating cha-cha dancers.
Why don't those guys take poor old Selly outside
to do that stuff?
Whee! Whee!
(Tramp barking)
SELLY: Get out of the way.
Let's get it around.
CHIP: Come on. Oh, Chip, some more?
How many times do you want to do it?
MIKE: Oh, Bub.
Would you check me on this please?
Oh.
It's not enough that we have to
turn in reports and write essays.
Now Miss Pitts has us memorizing poetry.
Hmm, did you turn in your report on the theater?
Uh, no, not yet.
Where'd you get the flowers?
(Selly and Chip chattering)
Selly brought them in. Oh.
You know, you ought to knock them silly
with that stuff I gave you.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh, you ready? Yeah.
Maybe you'd like to have me run over
some of this stuff with you.
I know two or three
Oh, no, no thanks, Bub. Sure now?
Yeah, you've done plenty already.
All right.
Uh, okay.
Oh, for one hour of my youthful joy,
uh, give me back my, give me back my
20th.
Give me back my 20th spring,
I'd rather laugh a bright-haired boy than
than Than reign a gray-haired king.
Lot of hogwash.
No, it's Oliver Wendell Holmes.
(sneezes)
Darn flowers.
People ought to act their age.
You are what you are, and if you aren't,
you shouldn't be.
Boy, that's the truth.
But times have changed, O'Casey.
You used to get by with being
an ordinary pot-scrubbing house-cleaning grandfather.
Nowadays, you've got to be a motor-fixing,
cha-cha-dancing, scooter-pushing football player.
Poor old Selly.
44! 89!
Hike!
Here, Selly.
BUB: Now, that was really shameful.
Imagine those darn kids making poor old Selly
do a thing like that.
But I'll say this for you, O'Casey.
You really tried to take some
of the load off her shoulders.
Yep, even if it was a lot of darn foolishness.
You gave it the old O'Casey try.
(muttering softly)
(crash, Bub grunts)
Hey!
(groans)
Hey, Bub, you all right?
Course I'm all right.
If you kids didn't leave these
darn fool things in a man's way.
Well, don't blame me; Chip did it.
Somebody ought to do something about that kid.
I'll do something about that kid
if he ever lights long enough for me to catch up with him.
Here, get over there and I'll see how good you are.
No, you might throw your back out again.
The way things are going around here, who needs it?
Might be a good thing if I did throw it out.
Bicycles in the driveway!
Boxes in front of the door!
Boy, that did it.
There's sure no fool like an old fool.
If Selly wants to be a sucker, let her.
She'll find out soon enough, the poor old thing.
Of course, it wasn't easy to break the news to Steve,
but I guess he'll get by okay as long as Selly holds out.
Yeah.
Well, you didn't get too far ahead of me, huh?
(chuckles) No.
Say, that, uh, is quite a paint job Selly put
on Chip's scooter, isn't it?
Real snazzy.
Yeah.
You remember that old buddy of mine
that has the Deluxe Theater over at Plainview?
Oh, yeah, what was his name?
Flats Jensen. Yeah.
Man, that Selly's busier than a windmill in a tornado,
isn't she?
(chuckles) Yeah.
I got a letter from him.
Oh?
Yeah, he's, uh, he tells me
the theater's getting to be too much for him.
Wow. He wants me to come and take it over.
Well, that's kind of a compliment, isn't it?
Yeah, it's just a little 600-seat house.
It's air-conditioned and right up to snuff and everything.
It's all right. Uh-huh.
So, uh
I told him I'd take the job.
You what?
Do you want me to do housework the rest of my life?
Well, of course not, Bub, but
How many dishes do you think I've washed
around here these last six years?
28,642.
Bub, you know darn well
you're more than just a housekeeper around here.
(chuckles)
I don't know how we'd ever get along without you.
Oh, you'll manage.
Besides, I got my career to think of.
All right, Bub, what's wrong?
Well, offers like this just don't come along every day.
No, no, what's wrong?
Besides, I-I want a little peace and quiet in my old age.
I see.
Well, when are you leaving?
Tonight.
Tonight?
Yep.
(grunts)
These darn bunks.
They're as bad as the Navy.
(chuckles)
They're worse than the Navy.
At least the hammocks were soft.
Ah, gee, Bub, do you have to leave tonight?
Ah, Robbie, just don't stand there whining.
Take this bag.
Here, take it downstairs and then come back
and help me pack the rest of this stuff.
Now, go on, get down there.
Don't stand there gawking at me.
I'll get myself a room in a nice private hotel,
that's what I'll do.
Be just like a vacation.
The way he's packing,
it looks like he can't wait to get out of the house.
Well, come on in, Selly.
Join the decision council.
It's an old Douglas custom.
Yeah, mostly we decide to do
what Dad's decided we should decide.
Democracy in action.
Ooh been using some new muscles lately.
Okay, Dad, what are we going to do?
I'm not sure, Rob.
We've all tried to talk him out of it, but you know Bub,
once he gets his mind made up about something.
I figured we could stop him from packing, but
Why do you want to do that?
Ah, Chip, I suppose you want Bub to go.
Selly went on a visit.
Why can't he?
Ah, Chip, for Pete's sake.
I just can't understand
why managing a run-down old movie house
in Plainview
would mean more to Bub than what he has right here.
He told me it had air-conditioning and new seats.
That's an idea.
We could get new seats and put
Oh, come on, Robbie, this is serious.
I'd be willing to do that.
I'd even put a popcorn machine in the front hall
and a marquee over the front door if I
if I thought that was the real reason he's going.
You didn't try and stop Bub when he went to help Flats.
He told me we were messing up his career.
He brought me a swell present when he came home.
Can't you get it through your head?
This time he's not coming home.
What do you mean?
I hinted for an ant farm
and he said he might bring it to me.
Bub won't come right out and say it, but
I know he, he feels like a fifth wheel around here.
Dad, he is the fifth wheel.
Next to Dad, he's the biggest wheel in the house.
That's not quite what I meant.
I think what your father means is
Bub feels unnecessary,
sort of elbowed out of the way.
He didn't exactly promise me the ant farm.
Well, why should he feel that?
Well, how would you feel if someone shoved you
out of your room?
And took your place in the kitchen?
Well, he's given up his room plenty of times.
And he's always griping about the kitchen work.
Yeah.
Besides Bub's different from you.
Well, he's well, he's just Bub.
He doesn't cha-cha or other things like you,
but
well well, there's just nobody like Bub.
He's just great.
He's got to come back home sometime.
Doesn't he?
Bub's awfully lucky, even if he doesn't know it.
Pretty smart, too.
He is what he is and makes no bones about it.
BUB: Hey, Robbie.
I thought you were coming
back to help me with these things.
Gee, Bub, I forgot.
Steve, are you going to take me to the depot?
Well, I didn't think you'd be ready to go this soon, Bub.
Your bus doesn't leave for an hour and half.
Yeah, I know, but I don't want to be rushed
buying my ticket and checking my baggage.
And, Robbie, will you get that Thermos bottle
and that shoebox I left on the kitchen table?
Shoebox?
Yeah, this is a 60-mile trip, so I packed myself
some of Selly's chicken and a little coffee.
Can I drive you down, Bub?
Now, you know you can't put all this stuff
in that sawed-off old jalopy of yours.
Well, I'll take the wagon.
Dad won't mind.
Will you, Dad?
Well, no, but, Bub
Now, you know, you've got your physics to do,
an-and don't give me that "no homework" line.
I saw that last grade of yours.
Here they are, Bub.
Can I ride down with you?
You certainly cannot.
You got to watch these guys like a hawk, Selly.
Anything to get out of their homework.
Now, if you want something to do, Mike,
you can put these bags in the car.
Bub Bub, how come we
And you other fellas,
don't forget to bring the rest of my stuff over
when you come up to see me next week.
Of course I'll be working,
but I'll have time to visit with you
when the feature picture is on.
And don't forget to feed Tramp.
And do whatever Selly tells you to do.
Don't forget to have 'em pitch
right in and help you, Selly.
(overlapping chatter)
And, uh, Steve, will you tell the Pearsons
that I'll drop them a postcard?
(Chip sobbing)
Well, Bub, I'm not going to try
to tell you how sorry we all are
that you're going to leave.
There just aren't enough words for that.
We love you and we need you
and we want you to stay.
But I guess you have to do what you think is best for you.
(sighs quietly)
You kids can have all the free passes you want.
Let's go.
(door opens)
(door closes)
(horn honking)
ANNOUNCER (over speaker): Bus for Rockville now arriving.
Have your tickets ready, please.
Well, it won't be long now.
Deluxe Theater, here I come.
Taking tickets, selling popcorn.
More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Kiddies' matinee every Saturday,
patrolling the aisles,
telling the monkeys to shut up.
O'Casey, who you trying to kid?
If you can't stand your own three monkeys,
how are you going to stand 300 of them?
SELENA: This seat taken?
No, help yourself.
(baby crying)
(bus starts)
What in the world are you doing here?
Going back to South Madison.
Well, who's going to take care of the boys?
Well, I don't know.
With you going to Plainview,
Steve'll just have to find somebody.
But he was counting on you.
Well, why should he count on me?
I was just there on vacation.
Vacation? Well, he You weren't figuring
I was going to take over for you, were you?
Well, I ju Why, good grief.
An old gal like me who's lucky enough
to have a place where she's wanted and needed
should stay put and not traipse all over creation
looking for greener fields.
Well, he sure needs somebody.
It's not that I don't love Steve and the boys.
I do, but, well, they were getting tired of me
and I was just getting tired.
For pity's sake, I'm 60, not 30.
He's figuring on that pesky Aunt Mae.
You'd think there was something wrong with getting old,
the way people keep fighting it all the time.
She don't understand those boys for sour apples.
No, sir, I know where I belong,
and I'm going back there and enjoy it.
Aunt Mae.
Aunt Mae.
Not enough starch in the shirts,
not enough seasoning in the food,
too much yakking over the back fence.
Why, even Tramp can't stand Aunt Mae.
Bus for Rockville, Guston Station, Apex,
Plainview, Palmer Falls, and South Madison now arriving.
Have your tickets ready, please.
If that old fussbudget thinks
she's moving me out of my house,
she's got another think coming,
I'll tell you that.
Well, Selly,
don't forget to come back and pay us a visit real soon.
And don't forget
to send me the recipe for your brownies.
Thanks, Selly.
Aunt Mae.
Every time I think of that cantankerous old chromo,
I get chills and fever.
(sighs)
Pretty close call, Selena.
You just saved yourself
from being sunk in the fountain of youth.
(horn honking)
All aboard, please, for Rockville,
Guston Station, Apex
(overlapping chatter, dog barking)
Shh.
All aboard.
Well, I could disappear
off the face of this earth tomorrow
and who would know it?
And who in tarnation would care?
Yep, man needs more than just a place to hang his hat.
Got to have folks around him who need him,
who care about him a little.
You'd better believe it, friend.
You'd better believe it.