The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e16 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
Howdy, Floyd.
Hey, what do you got there?
Well, it's gettin' close
to Founder's Day again.
Can I put you down
for a little ad in the program?
Have I got a choice?
Well, it's for a good cause.
Uh, I'll make it the usual:
"Compliments of
Floyd's Tonsorial Parlor."
Is that all right?
Well, I kinda thought
this time, Andy
that I'd like to add something,
a little slogan.
Yeah?
I made it up myself.
"Best Clip Joint in Town."
That's clever.
Oh, well, I just wanted to
liven up the festivities.
What's it gonna
be this year, Andy
the usual street dance?
Oh, yeah, we'll
have a street dance
and the booth sales
and the pie-eatin' contest
and the white elephant sale
and free watermelons,
such as that.
Sure do wish we could
think up a new idea
for the grand finale, though.
I declare, folks
are gettin' tired
of the mayor's wife
ridin' out on that horse
and singin' all
that opera stuff.
Well, it's not bad.
It ain't? I declare
if you wasn't lookin'
you couldn't tell
whether it was her singin'
or the horse whinnyin'.
Oh, why Hello, mayor.
Well, I guess I better get back
to, uh, collectin'.
Now wait a minute,
hold on there.
Everybody certainly is lookin'
forward to your wife's song.
Well, I'm not.
You mean, uh
you'd like a new
grand finale, too?
Andy, if she rides
out on that horse
and lights into
hollerin' one more time
I'm gonna bust a gusset.
Well, how would you
like to bring that up
at the council
meetin' this afternoon?
Not only would
I like to, I insist.
Well, I'll see ya then.
Good luck at home.
Oop! I've got it!
How about fireworks?
That always makes
for a slam-bang finish.
Say, that's a
terrific idea, Floyd.
That's the best
idea we've had yet.
Thank you.
There's just one problem, Mayor.
If we use the fireworks now
won't that take the edge off
the Fourth of July celebration?
That's right, uh
that would take it off.
No, bad idea, Floyd.
Well, if you don't
like that idea
I got another idea. Yeah?
Do you know how we
always do a pageant
showing the
founding of Mayberry?
Well, how about with that
we also have a beauty pageant?
Beauty pageant
You mean, with girls?
Uh, well, they help.
( laughing)
Well
ANDY: Well, that
sounds pretty good.
I think that sounds real cute.
It's an outstanding idea, yeah.
ELLIE: That would
be kind of fun.
That's a good idea.
That's the best idea
yet, a beauty pageant.
That's a brilliant idea, Floyd.
Then it's agreed, we'll
have a beauty pageant
to select a "Miss Mayberry."
Yeah, that's good.
Fine, fine. And now we get down
to the important matter
of selecting a judge.
And I'm sure you'll all agree
he must be
fair-minded, impartial
and a man of sound judgment.
I know just the man, mayor.
A man who is single
and can therefore be
completely impartial.
A man who can
appreciate true beauty.
A man of sensitivity,
taste, mature judgment.
I hereby nominate such a man
Sheriff Andy Taylor.
( agreeing enthusiastically)
That's the man for it!
That's the one right there!
Well now, folks
I mean, I don't
think I'm qualified.
Golly, I, I think all
girls are beautiful.
( all laughing)
Well, Miss Walker
I certainly do want to thank you
for that nomination.
That was mighty generous.
Don't mention it, Sheriff.
It's no more than you deserve.
Just hope it won't
be too obvious.
What?
It don't have to be, though.
Now you just do the right
thing when I call your name.
What are you talking about?
Look surprised.
What?!
Just like you're
doing right now.
That'll be fine.
What are you getting at?
Oh, come on now, Ellie.
Now, you can fool the
mayor and the rest of 'em
but I know what you had in mind.
And it'll be all
right, I'll pick you.
Uh, just a minute.
Are you implying
that I suggested you
as judge for the beauty contest
in order to make me the winner?
Yeah, yeah. Now,
if anybody asks you
say it just like that!
And you think that's
why I nominated you?
Of all the nerve.
Of all the unmitigated gall!
Let me tell you something.
If you think that's the reason
I suggested you as judge
you've got less brains
than I gave you credit for
you horrid, suspicious-minded
mistrustful cynic!
Well, that was a
good story, Ellie.
Tell me another one.
I had no intention of
entering that beauty contest
and even if I did, the mere idea
that I wanted you judge
in order to make me the winner
is the lowest, meanest,
foulest accusation
I ever heard!
And you ought to be
ashamed of yourself
for even thinking such a thing.
Judge Taylor!
Ellie, I, I
Girl really does tell
some funny stories.
And I thought I was doing
the right thing, Aunt Bee
but, golly, she turned on
me like a swarm of geese.
Oh, Andy, even if a
thing like that was true
you shouldn't have
said anything to her.
Where was your tact?
Well, she still had no reason
to get so hoppin' mad.
All I can say is, you better
get her into the contest
or you'll have a time
finding a likely Miss Mayberry.
Well, how am I gonna do that?
Oh, I don't know.
It just doesn't seem right
Ellie not being in
a beauty contest
a pretty girl like her.
I never passed up one
when I was her age.
Gosh, Aunt Bee,
I bet if this contest
was three or four years
ago, you could win it.
Oh, now, Opie, come along.
( knocking at door)
Wonder who that can be?
I don't know.
Why, Henrietta Swanson
what brings you over
here at this hour?!
Oh, hello, judge!
( laughing pleasantly)
Oh, I just came over
to borrow a cup of sugar.
You walked clear
across town just for that?
Oh, we didn't mind.
"We"?
Come in, Darlene.
Darlene, you walk in
and get the sugar.
Yes, mama.
Darlene, the kitchen's
right through that door
if that's what
you're gropin' for.
What's the matter with her, Paw?
Oh, I don't know, Opie.
I guess she's just
one of those girls
that's got a peculiar
hitch in her git-a-long.
Henrietta, why
don't you sit down?
Well, yeah, you must be tired
walkin' clear across town
for a cup of sugar.
Oh, I never get tired
when I'm out walkin'
with my award-winnin' daughter.
Award-winnin'?
She's been going
to Miss Wellington's
school for girls in Raleigh.
Oh!
She was voted
"Young lady most likely
to become charmin'."
Well, say, becomin' charmin'
now that is something
to look forward to, ain't it?
We think Miss Wellington's
done wonders for Darlene.
Do you know, at the age of
19 she's lost all her baby fat?
I noticed that.
I noticed that right off
when she come in
through the door there.
I says to myself, I says,
"That Darlene's knees
ain't near as puffy
as they used to be."
Mama, I found the sugar.
Oh, isn't she charmin'?
I can't hardly stand it.
Oh, I just happened to think.
As long as we're here
we might as well sign Darlene up
for the contest.
Well, now, the
mayor's doin' that.
I'm just the judge.
Oh, then we'll go see the mayor.
Come along, Darlene.
Mama, do we still
have to take the sugar?
Come, dear.
Why, Barbara Sue!
Hello, Andy!
Here's the peat moss you ordered
from my daddy's store.
Since when did
you start deliverin'?
I just happened
to be passing by.
And I thought I'd
save daddy a trip.
Well!
Well, that's mighty
nice, Barbara Sue.
Here, let me take it.
Oh, it's not heavy.
Where would you like it?
In the shed It's
through the kitchen.
Oh, all righty.
Well, I can't give her much
for pretty, but, I declare
I got to give her
points for muscles.
Well, that's two contestants.
Can't brag on either
one of 'em, much.
I know who ought to win
if you want to choose
the prettiest girl in town.
Who?
Mary Wiggins.
Mary Wiggins?
She's the prettiest
girl in the first grade.
Oh, she is?
Yeah, she's got
freckles and braids
and a bandage on her
knee and a tooth out
and all the boys
in the first grade
are crazy about her.
I can understand
that, she sounds wow.
I think you better
get Ellie in this contest.
It'll solve all of
your problems.
( rings)
Hello?
Yes, ma'am, you heard right.
I'm a-judgin' it.
I still say, get Ellie.
Uh, yes, ma'am.
You ought to look
at Mary Wiggins
before you turn her down, Paw.
( knocking at door)
There's another one. Get Ellie!
What about Mary, Paw?
Is this the way
it's gonna to be?
Lord, what did I get into?
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, yes, ma'am.
Well, I don't care
if you voted for me
for Sheriff, or not.
I'll not promise to crown
your daughter Miss Mayberry.
Just enter her in the contest.
Everybody's eligible, you know.
No, ma'am.
If your daughter's
worthy I'll pick her.
If she's not, I won't.
Now, if you'll 'scuse
me, I'm kinda busy.
There's more to sheriffin'
than just judgin'
a beauty contest.
'Bye, ma'am.
That's the 14th
call I've had today.
Only one's been
sheriffin' business.
Not to mention a
parade of proud mamas
comin' in with their
little darlin's all day long.
Now, don't you let 'em
push you around, Andy.
You're the judge.
You make up your own mind.
My wife and I were just talking.
"Andy's got to make a
free, fair choice," we said.
Well, now, that's a
breath of fresh air,
I can tell you that.
You won't get any
pressure from us, Andy.
We don't care which of
our three daughters you pick.
Well, now that leaves the
field wide open, don't it?
Why not? I got faith that
you'll make a good choice.
You're a good
man, you got the job.
Don't let 'em
push you around.
Mayor!
You're the one.
You got it.
Take care of it.
Sarah? Sarah, get me
Walker's Drug Store.
Judgin' a beauty contest.
I must of been out
of my ever lovin' mind.
Uh, Ellie, Ellie.
This is Andy.
Uh, Ellie, first, I want to say
that, that I'm sorry for
accusing you unjustly.
Now, I apologize for that
and, second, I wished
you'd change your mind
about entering
this beauty contest.
'Cause it'll make
it a whole lot easier
for me to pick a winner
after some, some of
the candidates I've seen.
And third, hello?
Hello?
Well, thanks a lot,
Miss Lady Druggist.
Now, you just wait till
you want a favor from me
and see if I come
and help you out.
Oh, 'bye, Ellie.
Well, Miss Miss Bishop.
Hello, Andy.
Andy, we've been
friends for a long time.
Could I talk to you?
Well, certainly.
It's about that beauty contest.
Uh, Miss Bishop, you
don't want me to pick you
Miss Mayberry, too, do you?
For goodness sake, Andy, no.
I just thought maybe
I could help out.
Help out?
I've done it in the
past, you know.
I could help put on the
Founder's Day Pageant
I could make costumes
and all kinds of things.
Well, Miss Bishop, that
is a real generous offer.
Hello, Andy.
Oh, howdy, Floyd.
I'm going to do my
part for Founder's Day.
I'm going to write a song.
A song?
A special song to be sung to
the triumphant Miss Mayberry.
Well, Floyd, I think
that's a outstandin' idea.
Well, thank you very much.
And I've already thought
up the first two lines.
( clears throat)
Hail to thee
Miss Mayberry.
Floyd, you know
what you got there?
You have got you the
beginnings of a masterpiece.
You really think so?
I know so.
Thank you very much.
Now, I'm going to
work day and night
until I get this thing finished.
Hail, hail to thee ♪
Hail ♪
You really like it, huh?
This'll be done, thanks.
Oh, Tom, that's
wonderful, thank you.
When I'm in the
midst of production
I sure need my coffee.
Now, ready, everybody!
Stand a little
farther back, please
I can see somebody's foot.
Now, let's do that
opening, once again
with a little more feeling.
Remember, this is
an historic occasion
The Founding of Mayberry!
Ready?
( playing "Rule
Britannia" very slowly)
Halt!
I said, "Halt."
Full many a mile
have we traveled
through savage wilderness
in search of that promised
land and now, we
Oh
Now we've found it.
Ahh, now we've found it.
Ah, full many a mile
have we traveled
through savage wilderness
in search of that promised land.
And now, we have found it.
And now we have found it.
( softly): And now,
we've found it.
( all groaning)
Courage, fellow wanderers
this is our land.
Here will we settle.
And I, John Mayberry
shall proclaim this our land
and name it after me: John!
Mayberry!
Rejoice.
( exasperated sighs)
I said, "rejoice"
but they're not
rejoicing, Miss Bishop.
Rejoice, everybody.
ALL: Hail! Hail!
Rah!
Hail, hail.
Hail.
Oh, that was fine.
Fine.
Andy, I didn't know
you were back there.
Oh, I stood back
there a little while.
Howdy, Floyd.
I didn't know
you was such a
outstandin' actor.
Floyd has generously consented
to play the title role in our
Founder's Day Pageant.
Oh, good!
Don't take off those costumes.
We still have work to do.
Bless her heart.
It really is goin' good, Floyd.
Oh, thank you.
I also finished my
Miss Mayberry song.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did. Want to hear it?
Here it is.
( to tune "O Tannenbaum"): ♪
Hail to thee, Miss Mayberry ♪
Hail to thee ♪
All hail ♪
Your loveliness,
your majesty ♪
Brings joy to every male ♪
All hail, all hail ♪
All hail, all hail ♪
All hail, all hail, all ♪
You like it?
Oh, oh! It'll get
'em right here.
Why, thank you very much.
Andy, I want to tell
you I want to be the one
to sing that song.
At the contest?
Absolutely.
I catch anybody
else tryin' to sing it
I'll hit 'em right in the mouth.
That is your song.
Good. Now, Andy,
there's something else
I'd like to talk to you about.
Anything in this world.
'Cause you know why?
You're being a help.
Why, you and Miss Bishop
are like a ray of sunshine
in a sea of selfishness.
What do you mean?
Floyd, you wouldn't believe
what's going on.
Folks coming at
me from all sides
trying to pressure me to
picking their sweetheart
or daughter or
cousin or whatever.
They want me to be crooked.
Don't that beat all?
What was it you want
to talk to me about?
About my niece, Virginia
Lee, winnin' the contest.
Floyd!
Well, gee considerin'
the help I've been today
on Founder's Day and everything.
I wrote that "Miss
Mayberry" song
I thought you'd give me
special consideration.
I practically promised
her that she'd win.
Well, you might as well just
go back and unpromise her
'cause I ain't going to show
any partiality to anybody
and that includes you!
Well, it's a fine friend
you turned out to be.
Well, go ahead, get mad at me
why should you be an exception.
I got a good mind to take back
my "Hail to thee,
Miss Mayberry" song.
( all talking at once)
Andy!
( and talking)
Not yet! Not yet!
Not yet!
( all clamoring)
( sighs)
Andy!
Is there anything wrong?
You look weary.
I am weary.
Weary and disgusted.
"Pick my daughter."
"Pick mine."
"No, pick mine."
Folks in this town
are behavin' awful.
Well, if it's any comfort to you
it'll be all over
after tomorrow.
Hi, Paw.
I brought over Mary Wiggins
because I figured if
you see how pretty she is
you'll change your mind and
pick her as Miss Mayberry.
Show 'em where
your tooth was, Mary.
Now, Opie
Opie, don't bother
your Paw right now.
He's trying to rest.
But, Aunt Bee
Opie, later.
Gee, whiz,
prettiest girl in town
and nobody cares.
My own kin pesterin'
and naggin' at me
over who to pick in
that beauty contest.
It's a good thing you ain't got
a candidate you're
pushin' to win.
But I have.
You get Ellie in that contest
you're not gonna have
any problems making a choice.
Aunt Bee, please!
Andy, why
Now, that was number five,
Miss Barbara Sue Lindsey.
Please, Sam, let's
not hold things up.
Now, number six.
And number six,
I'm sure you all know
is the lovely, the beauteous
the tempestuous
Josephine Pike
my third daughter.
( faint applause)
Come, baby, come on.
Come on, baby.
Hurry up.
( chuckling)
I thought you was gonna
hold down the applause, Mayor.
Kind of keep
things movin' along.
How you gonna hold back
a spontaneous ovation?
Like Lindbergh.
Now now uh, uh
now the final
contestant is, uh
number seven
Miss Ellie Walker.
( applause)
Come, Ellie, your
name's been called.
I hope you don't
think this was my idea.
If you pick me
I'll never speak to you again.
That's all of the contestants.
And now, for the moment
we've all been waiting for
the decision of our
judge, Sheriff Taylor.
( all applauding)
Andy, atta boy.
( enthusiastic
applause continues)
Now as judge of
this here contest
I wish that I could
present the title
to each and every one of you.
But as you know,
in a beauty contest
there can only be one winner.
And I want you to know
that's it's going to be a
difficult decision for me.
Come on, Andy. Tell
us who the winner is.
Well, I am, Sam, I am, uh, uh
is-is the robe ready?
And the crown?
The crown's right
here on the table, Andy.
Yeah, where's the robe, though?
Here's the robe, Sheriff Taylor.
I just finished it.
Thank you, Miss Bishop.
Ah ( clears throat)
Folks, uh
in order to judge
a beauty contest
I think it's good to know
what beauty really is.
Now, there's outside beauty
I guess we can all see that.
And then, there's inside beauty.
Sheriff, are you gonna
name the winner or not?
I'm goin' to, ma'am,
I'm goin' to right now.
Miss Bishop, would you
bring up the robe, please?
Thank you.
Wait, wait, Miss Bishop.
Wait a minute.
Folks, I present to you
the most logical choice.
Most obvious
choice, and in fact
the only choice.
I present to you,
her royal highness
Miss Mayberry
Miss Erma Bishop.
For doing such a beautiful
job of this here pageant
and for just
behaving beautifully
through the whole thing
I crown thee
Miss Mayberry.
( people murmuring)
( contestants wailing)
Daddy!
( wailing continues)
Andy, it was the best choice.
( wailing continues)
Well, maybe I'd better see
if I can stop this crying jag.
Uh, Floyd, Floyd?
Floyd, Floyd?
Now now, now.
Oh, hail to ♪
Oh, hail to thee,
Miss Mayberry ♪
Oh, hail to thee, oh, hail ♪
Your loveliness ♪
Your majesty ♪
Brings joy to every male ♪
Hey, listen to this, Floyd.
"And the climax to
yesterday's proceedings
"came in the form of a
special song for the occasion
"written, composed and rendered
by our own Floyd Lawson."
Aw that's what it said?
Said I rendered it?
Yeah, it said you rendered it.
Look here, what else it says.
It says, uh, says
"if Floyd keeps writing
hit songs like this
"Mayberry might
be losing a barber
but it will be
gaining a composer."
That, that's what it said, huh?
Yep. Oh, geez. Whoo.
You did yourself proud, Floyd.
ANDY: Well, young
'uns, what'd you think
of the beauty contest?
You really want to know, Paw?
Yeah.
I was disappointed.
I still think Mary here
should have won.
Don't you, Mary?
Well, now, that is
a right winnin' smile
you got there.
Come here, Mary.
What are you going to do, Paw?
I'll show you.
Come here.
Stand right there.
Now, let me just
put the robe on you.
Floyd, you get the crown.
No, you don't
have to wait at all.
Now, hold that right there.
Now
I crown thee
Miss Mayberry Junior.
Now, Floyd, make it official.
Huh?
Start rendering.
Uh, uh oh! Oh!
Oh, well, uh
Oh, hail to thee ♪
Miss Mayberry ♪
Oh, hail to thee, oh, hail ♪
Your loveliness,
your majesty ♪
Brings joy to every male. ♪