The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e16 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way they all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
What are you looking for?
The astrology forecast.
Astrology?
Well, Martha swears by it.
She calls me up every morning
to see if I'm following what it says.
I've got a flash for you.
Your friend Martha's a fruitcake.
( Chuckling ): Agreed.
Ah, here it is.
My chart for tomorrow.
( Chuckling )
What's it say?
"Beware of purchases tomorrow.
Don't buy anything at all."
Hey, now, that's the kind
of astrology that makes sense.
Let me look at mine.
No, I knew I shouldn't
have read that out loud.
I need new shoes.
( Clearing throat )
( laughing )
What's so funny?
You think your
horoscope was something?
Get a load of mine.
"A strange woman
will soon come into your life."
Oh, where does it say that?
Where? Right there.
How about that.
Yeah. How about that.
I can hardly wait till tomorrow.
( Chuckling )
Good night, honey.
( Humming )
Oh, wow.
That is not just a cake, Mrs. Brady.
That is a thing of beauty, a joy to behold.
Mmm. Thanks, Alice.
Wait till you taste it tonight.
No, thanks. Not at those prices.
What prices?
I'll bet every bite will
cost a thousand calories,
and I know just where they'll go.
Here and here.
Alice is a member of the hip generation.
And speaking of hips,
get a load of Greg's blue jeans.
See-through jeans.
But don't tell Greg that.
He'll start a new fad in junior high.
I think I'll take the kids shopping
for some new clothes tomorrow.
Well, you'd better make
that today, Mrs. Brady.
Tomorrow the boys are going
on an all-day fishing trip with Mr. Brady.
You're taking the girls horseback riding.
Right. Well, I suppose I could
take them after school today.
But don't tell my friend Martha Sheldon.
Martha Sheldon?
Well, you know how hooked
she is on astrology.
And she insists that I follow my forecast.
And my chart said,
don't buy anything today.
Isn't that silly?
A grown woman believing
in that astrology nonsense.
Hmm. Alice, what did
your horoscope say today?
Oh, mine said today was great
for social activities
Mrs. Brady, that's dirty pool.
I'm going to go round up
some more bottomless
britches and things.
( Phone ringing )
Hello.
Mike. Hi, honey.
2:00, and all's well
and no strange women
have come into my life yet.
Well, if they do, will you
please inform me immediately?
Oh, I will, I promise.
The moment one walks in,
you'll be the first to know.
Mr. Brady?
CAROL: Mike?
Yes, that's me. I I'm Mike Brady.
What's that, dear?
Did you say something?
CAROL: Hello?
( With accent ): Please,
darling, finish your call.
Honey, I'll call you back.
A client just, uh, just walked in.
All right, dear, but
( click, dial tone )
How do you do?
Please, do sit down.
I would introduce myself,
but everyone knows
who Beebe Gallini is.
Even people on the street
come up to me and say,
"It's Beebe."
And I always say to them,
"Hello, my dahling."
This is Dwayne, my secretary.
Oh, uh, how do you do, Mr?
Not necessary.
Please sit down.
Darling,
you are going to design my new factory,
and it will
Factory?
Please, not interrupt.
It's not nice.
I have just finished arrangements
with the president of your company
to build a beautiful new factory
for the Beebe Gallini
Cosmetics Company.
You want me to design your factory?
Please wait. Don't interrupt.
You're just like my second husband.
Or was it my third?
Your fourth.
Oh. I knew it was one of them.
Miss Gallini
Beebe.
Everyone calls me Beebe.
People who have never even
heard of me call me Beebe.
Beebe, I'm very flattered.
Oh, no false modesty.
I do not believe in false modesty.
I am beautiful, so I say I am beautiful.
You are talented, no?
Well, um
Uh uh yes. I
Good.
That is what the people tell me.
That is why you must
design my new factory,
and I give you complete freedom.
Design, design, design.
Anything you want.
Anything?
Yes, only one thing that I ask
is that it should be pink.
Pink factory.
Beebe Pink.
That is what I call my cosmetics
because I am pink.
You see the pink?
Yes.
Let your imagination run wild.
Create whatever you wish.
But make it pink.
Yes.
My phone number.
My personal private phone number.
Give it to him.
Oh, thank you.
I will see you soon, no?
Uh, no. Yes.
Oh, uh
Hurry, dahling.
We cannot keep the jeweler waiting.
I promised him faithfully
I'd be there yesterday.
Thanks for helping me tonight, dear.
No. It's my pleasure, sweetheart.
You know, when Alice asked me
if she could leave early
so she could to the movies
with her boyfriend Sam,
how could I refuse?
Hmm?
Oh. Well, you have a soft heart.
Lips to match.
My goodness.
Aren't we affectionate tonight?
Well, not just tonight, every night,
'cause I love you, dahling.
Sweetheart.
And I love you, too, darling.
But what's up?
Hmm? What what's up?
Well, ever since you got home,
you seem preoccupied.
Preoccupied?
Oh, don't be silly, honey.
It's just well
preoccupation.
Preoccupation.
Yeah.
I got this new client today
and I have to design a factory.
And it's sort of a special factory
and it takes a lot of thought.
What kind of special factory?
Well, the client is very
eccentric, and, uh
Eccentric?
Yeah.
Could you say, uh, strange?
Yeah. You could sure
say "strange," all right.
Could you say "strange woman"?
Yeah, yeah, she's a a woman.
Aha, then a strange woman
did enter your life today.
Oh, that astrology nonsense?
Yeah, that astrology nonsense.
Yeah, it's silly and stupid and foolish.
And what kind of strange woman?
Oh, honey,
when a client walks into my office
with an offer to design a factory
that's worth a whole lot of money,
it doesn't make any difference
whether it's a man or a woman,
even if it is Beebe Gallini.
Beebe Gallini?
Is she the strange woman
who came into your life?
She didn't come into my life,
she came into my office, that's all.
That's enough.
They say no man can resist her.
Well, I can resist her.
Are you sure?
I am absolutely positive.
Oh oh, Mike! Oh!
( Cracking )
I think that's plenty of food, Mr. Brady.
Mm, I don't know, Alice.
Four fishermen get
mighty hungry, you know.
That's right. A couple
of hours out on that water
makes them awful hungry.
Makes me awful seasick.
Isn't it funny
how some people get seasick
and some people don't.
I think I'm allergic to waves.
Even when I take a bath,
I have to be careful
not to move around too much.
I'll hurry the boys up.
( Phone ringing )
I'll get it.
Hello.
Yes, this is the Brady residence.
One moment, please.
I'll get him.
It's someone who calls me "dahling"
and "vants" to speak to you.
Hello, Miss Gallini.
Beebe.
( Whispering ): Beebe?!
This afternoon?
But
Yeah, but
I was going fishing today and
Yes, I know you have
a contract with my firm, but
I promised my boys that I was
All right.
Yeah. No. All right, I'll be there.
Bye.
You'll be where?
Oh, Beebe wants to see me again.
She's got some new ideas
for her factory.
But it's Saturday,
and the boys have been looking forward
to that fishing trip.
Oh, I know.
Hey, maybe Alice could go.
She can't. She gets seasick.
Wait.
I've got it.
I'll take the boys fishing
and Alice can take the girls riding.
Okay? Problem solved.
Hey, you're an angel, you know that?
I thought you
Yeah, I know what you thought.
You thought I was going to be jealous.
Yeah, yeah.
Just because she's rich
and famous and beautiful
and I must be some kind of a nut.
No. You're a wonderful kind of nut.
( Alice groaning )
Oh aah aah
Oh, kids
Sit down and rest, Alice.
I'm not sure I can sit.
( Grunting and groaning )
Ahh!
Ah
Oh, that was one rotten horse I had.
I like him.
I ride him all the time.
Well, I'm never gonna ride him again
after the way he threw me.
Rotten horse.
It wasn't a horse.
It was a pony.
Well, when it grows up,
it's gonna be a rotten horse.
Ponies don't grow up.
They just get older.
That's what I need, then, is an old pony.
Next time we go riding,
we're gonna go to a different place.
There's one on Riverside Avenue
right next to Maple Street.
That's a merry-go-round.
You'd better believe it.
CAROL: Oh, fellas
( groaning )
You'll be okay, Mom.
Oh, boys, you're rocking the boat.
Stop weaving.
Mrs. Brady, what happened?
Oh, I got seasick and
and sunburned and
and then I got caught
on somebody else's line and
and then I fell into a pile of fish.
No wonder you smell
like tuna, Mrs. Brady.
I wouldn't gloat if I were you, Alice.
You smell a little bit like man o' war.
Oh, will somebody please
stop rocking this house?
Oh, I think I'd better
go straight up to bed.
Don't you want any dinner?
Dinner?
Alice
please, don't even mention food.
Hi, honey.
You still up, sweetheart?
That's funny.
What's funny?
I smell fish.
Well, I can't help it.
I've already taken three showers.
I smell pink.
Yeah, well, you can smell pink, too.
Beebe gave me some samples.
Samples of what?
Her cosmetics.
Her apartment's full of them.
Her apartment?
Yeah. She uses it as an office.
She hates her factory,
and she won't work in it,
so that's why I'm designing
a new factory. Hmm
Hey, hey, hey,
where's that angel of a wife
I left this morning?
She went fishing and she
got seasick and sunburned
and caught on someone else's hook
and fell in a pile of fish.
You had a rough day on the boat, huh?
Mmm.
Honey, why don't you use
some of Beebe's cologne?
There's a whole box of it over there.
I'd rather smell like fish.
Oh, excuse me.
Michael, dahling.
My sketches.
I am dying to see your sketches.
It is a whole week since we talk.
Dwayne, ask Mr. Brady in.
Oh, come right in, Mr. Brady.
For a minute there,
I kind of thought
I was in the wrong office.
Oh, no, no, no.
I give you, how you say, cooperation.
I bring you samples of materials
for the draperies, samples of the pink
everything that is Beebe.
Excuse me, Miss Gallini.
Yes?
You are still on the phone.
Oh, but of course.
What would I do without my Dwayne?
Where was I?
Oh, yes, the charity.
When I appear,
I want that the orchestra
should play something pink.
Well, then something that sounds pink.
Charities, banquets.
It is always something.
Now, Michael, dahling
you will show me my sketches, hmm?
I finished these at home
late last night.
Oh, no.
No. No, dahling.
That is a factory for anybody.
I want that my factory should be me.
That when people see it, they say,
"There's Beebe."
Beebe, a factory has to be functional.
Functional? Oh, that is one thing
that Beebe does not want to be,
functional.
Beebe wants to be Beebe.
Naturally, a building has to express
the personality of its owner, but
Exactly what I'm saying.
Express my personality.
Yeah, but, you see,
you didn't let me finish my sentence.
A factory has to be practical
and efficient. There are a thous
A powder puff.
Make the factory
the shape of a powder puff.
A powder puff?
Or maybe tall
like a lipstick.
A lipstick?
All right, Michael, make it
the shape of a powder puff.
With Beebe, you have
complete freedom.
Now, you will make me a sketch, huh?
( Phone ringing )
Oh, no. That must be for me, dahling.
I've had my calls transferred here.
Yes, this is Beebe Gallini, Incorporated.
I love being incorporated.
Uh, Miss Gallini,
it's Marie of Marie's Cosmetics.
Oh.
Her I do not wish to speak to.
Hang up.
Loudly!
Of course.
Well, Michael, dahling, are you finished?
No, dahling.
Fluffier.
Fluffier. It has to be fluffier.
Fluffier?
Yes. A powder puff is fluffy.
My factory has to be fluffy.
A fluffy factory.
But Little Red Riding Hood
was too smart.
She knew that wasn't her
Grandmother.
Right.
She knew it was a big wolf.
A big, pink, female wolf.
I've never seen a pink wolf, Mommy.
Well, let's hope you never do, dear.
Oh, my goodness, it's 8:30
way past your bedtime.
Daddy stays up late, too, doesn't he?
Your daddy is working
very hard these days
and nights.
PETER: Mom
I can't make my airplane fly straight.
Is Dad home yet?
No, dear. He's working late.
We don't hardly ever
get to see him anymore.
Well, I've explained it to you before, dear.
Your father has a very complicated job
designing a factory
where they make perfume,
powder and lipstick.
Aw, who needs all that junk anyway?
Us women, that's who.
Why don't you two just run along
and finish your homework, okay?
Hi, Mom.
Is Dad here?
No, he's not here yet.
Go on upstairs.
I'll be up in a minute to help you.
Mom, Marcia and I are looking for Dad.
He's not here.
Now, come on. Everybody to your rooms.
It's time for bed.
Bed?!
Bed.
At 8:30?
Well, you've been staying up too late.
Another wasted evening
with that hokey cosmetic queen.
Changes, changes, more changes,
more interruptions.
I tell you, if that factory
didn't mean so much to my company
Is it worth it, Mike?
Well, honey,
it might be rough on me
if I lose the contract.
But what good is it?
What good is the money
if you have to work all the time?
She's got to make a decision soon.
Yes, but what if she doesn't
make a decision soon?
You can't keep working day and night.
That's my job!
What about the kids' education?
What about providing for their future?
What about us today?
Tomorrow it's Saturday and
No, honey, listen
Beebe has to go to some charity thing,
and I'll make it up to the kids and to you.
I'll do everything, I promise you.
In one day?
Have I been away that much?
Very much that much.
The wing was too far back, Pete.
That's why it didn't fly straight.
Thanks, Dad.
I'll bet it'll really go great now.
( Doorbell rings )
CAROL: Is that the door?
I'll get it.
I'll get it, honey.
Oh, now, Mike!
Hold on!
Hello, Beebe.
Hello, Michael, dahling.
This must be the little woman.
Oh, I forgot.
You haven't met.
Carol, this is Beebe Gallini.
Beebe, this is my wife Carol.
I'm very happy to know you.
Of course.
Oh, what a charming little cottage.
Is this your guest house?
Uh, yeah, this is our
nine-room guest house.
Beebe, listen, I thought you were going
to that charity affair today.
Oh, I'm on my way, dahling.
But as I was driving,
a a vision came to me.
You've changed your mind
about the powder puff?
You guessed it.
You have such
a talented husband, dahling.
Beebe, I've been working all week
on that powder puff design.
This is much better.
A compact.
A compact?
The top floor opens up.
There has never been
another factory like it.
Yeah, that's for sure.
Beebe, that's impossible.
Oh, I think it's a marvelous idea.
A topless factory.
With a stationary bottom.
A factory like that will make you famous.
Everyone will talk about you.
Oh, they'll talk about me, all right.
Look, Beebe, the whole
project is impossible
from an engineering standpoint.
The leverage, the stress.
I'd sure hate to be standing
next to the water cooler
when the top went up.
You can't hinge a roof.
You can understand that.
Oh, details, details, details.
Beebe Gallini is not interested
in details.
Now, dahling, you will start work
on the new design
at once.
Oh!
( Gasps )
My head! My hair!
My airplane!
We're sorry about, this, Miss Gallini.
Good. It's not broken.
Peter, will you apologize to Miss Gallini?
For what?
Ah, apologies I do not need.
Three hours it takes
to fix my hair for the charity ball.
Bang! Bang! You're all wet!
I'll get you wetter!
Bobby
I'll get you!
Oh!
Sorry, lady.
I was aiming at her.
Michael, are these creatures yours?
Bobby, Cindy, out.
Mommy, she cries
black tears.
Oh, kids, out.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Miss Gallini.
Sorry does not help.
But they didn't mean any harm.
Neither did Frankenstein.
Beebe, I apologize. The whole thing is
I'm sorry, Michael, but I'm afraid
I have to get another architect.
Good-bye.
And good-bye to you, little woman.
Well, there goes Beebe Gallini
in a cloud of feathers.
Oh, Mike.
What about your company?
Haven't you lost the contract for them?
No, honey.
It's the wrong way to look at it.
I haven't lost them a contract.
I've saved them a nervous breakdown.
Honey.
Hmm?
Listen to my horoscope for tomorrow:
"You will meet a tall, sexy brunette
who will fall madly in love with you."
How about that?
Oh, who believes
that nonsense anyway?
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Good night, honey.
Good night, dear.
"Tall, sexy brunette"?
It says, "This is a good
time to adopt a pet."
You Oh, Mike, that's terrible.
Stop! Stop it!