AfterMASH (1983) s01e17 Episode Script

1
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Life could be a dream if I could take you
up in paradise up above.
Shaboom, if you would tell me I'm the only
one that you love.
Life could be a dream, sweetheart.
Hello, hello again.
Shaboom, shaboom.
Oh, life could be a dream if I could take
you up in paradise.
Oh, my baker boy is home.
Barely kicking, honey.
Got you some donut rejects.
Careful, the jelly's on the outside.
Max, you look like a dead fish.
Do you really have to work three jobs?
In one word, you bet your buns.
You just need 500 bucks for the baby.
500, that's all.
A mere 450 more.
Or 10,000 macaroons, whichever comes
first.
I wish I could help.
You are helping.
You're painting the baby's room.
In pink and blue stripes.
What are we gonna have, a little baby
prisoner?
Pink for a girl, blue for a boy.
If we have one of each, we're still
covered.
Twins, bite your belly.
We can't afford one.
We can't afford none.
And I'm just talking about necessities,
cribs, formulas, catcher's equipment.
And clothes.
Oh, my God, I forgot.
Kids are born naked.
Maybe I can get a weekend job at Robert
Hall.
They can pay me in toddler tots.
No, no, no, no, no.
We have a lucky break.
Ta-da!
What's that?
Instant clothes, see?
Little shirts for Mrs. Mercer next door.
Little pants for Mr. Fields.
Fields, the janitor, the guy in the
basement?
My kid's not wearing hand-me-ups.
They made a collection for us.
In my village, people always do that.
It's neighborly.
It's charity.
The clothes go back.
Max!
No Klinger kid of mine's wearing
previously-owned diapers.
Look at this.
Retread rubber pants.
I need a score.
$450.
Four and a half big ones.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll get it.
Max Klinger provides for his family.
I'm so proud when you talk like that.
And I'm afraid you'll do something stupid.
Honey?
You can count on me.
Ever tell you about the time I died?
How's that?
Kicked off while they were patching up my
colon.
Bought me two, though.
That was in 38.
Or was I 38?
No, I was 38 and 28.
So in 38, I was 48.
One year for each of the states.
You think you'll make Alaska a state?
Bob.
What?
What about your death?
I'm dying?
You did die.
Only once.
Well, tell me about it.
What was it like?
How should I know?
I was dead.
You're a doctor.
You're a little naive about some things,
Sarge.
I suppose I am.
Take a look at this X-ray.
That's me?
It ain't Alaska.
See that round spot?
Oh, my God.
I swallowed a chicken.
It's shrapnel.
You took it in the armpit at Chateau
Thierry.
It wasn't threatening, so they left it alone.
A shard of it moved toward your scapula a
few years later.
They took it out.
Now another bunch checked in around the
shoulder joint.
So?
It hurts.
When you raise your arm.
My insides sure get around, don't they?
This stuff's been on the road longer than
the student prints.
This time we just took it out.
How about tomorrow afternoon?
I hate to miss dance class.
We're starting on a karaoke.
Bob, I know you've had more than your
share of surgery over the past few years.
If there was any other way, believe me.
Oh, hell, let's do it.
Just try to cut along the dotted lines.
Trust me.
Nick, my name's Max Klinger.
I got 50 bucks I want to put to work.
To start, Bay Meadows.
Mother's girdles gotta bust out.
Ten to win.
Hang on, I'm just starting.
How'd it go, Mr. Scannell?
Well, I can still fog a mirror on the
first try.
I'm glad to hear it.
Bad news is, they're gonna whittle on my
N-words again.
Take my advice, Klinger, don't ever get
shot.
Especially in World War I.
I'll remember that.
See you soon.
Nick, I just got a hunch in the fourth.
Geriatric.
That means old, right?
I'm in for 20 on the nose.
Let's talk basketball.
This is my lock.
Cincinnati with the spread over Louisville
for another sawbuck.
What are you laughing?
I'm serious.
Klinger, I need some help in here.
Be right in, sir.
Just looking into some insurance.
Good idea.
I hope so.
What else you got?
Highline?
What is that, with people or with animals?
Never mind.
I'm in for 20.
Dr. Kramer, please call the operator.
Dr. Kramer?
Father, you got a minute?
For you, anytime, Bob.
I was just changing the chapel over from
Protestant to Catholic for my evening mass.
Wow, what's that?
Oh, that's a three-sided altarpiece.
See, Catholic.
Protestant?
Jewish?
I'll take ten cents on Jew.
Is there a reason why you're here?
Of course.
And I'll tell you what it is.
Give me a minute.
Oh, yeah.
I'm going under the knife again, Father.
Oh, my.
And you're frightened?
No, if I live, I live.
If I die, I don't have to change my sheets
anymore.
That's profound.
The thing of it is, I want you to help me
update my will.
Everybody I left stuff to in the old one
up and died on me, the ingrates.
I'd love to help you, Bob.
My dance card's pretty full today.
How about if I come up to your room
tomorrow morning?
It's in the old wing.
Hodger Hall?
Know where that is?
Yes.
Could you tell me?
I'd like to be there when you arrive.
Come on.
Perfect, Miss Freeman.
Perfect weather.
Train.
Clock.
And watch.
All on time.
I think I'll go back home before the
trouble starts.
Didn't mean to get you giggling so early
in the A.M.
I got something for a guy named Max
Klinger.
He's not in yet.
I'll wait.
If it's any help, I'm Klinger's boss,
Sherman Potter.
It's no help.
Whatever it is you have for him,
you can give it to me.
Look, I gotta be sure.
If one dollar of whatever this is goes
astray, I could end up here as a patient.
This is Dr. Potter.
Our chief of staff.
I wanna know who you are.
This is Nurse Freeman.
Okay.
I just had to be sure.
Tell Klinger, it was no pleasure doing
business with him.
Isn't it nice to see the boy is making new
friends?
Damn mice.
It's Father Mulcahy.
Hey, Father.
Weren't you supposed to come?
Tomorrow?
It is tomorrow.
Come in.
My, this is a very interesting place you
have.
It's what the Board of Health said.
Here, let me make you a chair.
Thank you.
Would you like some apple juice?
I'd love some apple juice.
Good.
Got a tumbler here somewhere.
Oh, here it is.
On second thought, I'm cutting down on
liquids.
Hmm.
Liquids are the only thing I can chew.
So, what brings you here, Father?
I'd like to help you make a new will.
Good idea.
Sardine?
No.
Thank you.
Just as well.
Lost a key back in 29.
Bad year, 29.
First the stock market, then my key.
Bob, why don't we get started?
Okay.
I, Robert Scannell.
You've done these before.
I, Robert Bob Scannell, being of sound
mind and body, well, purged myself right there.
Just list your assets.
If you will, we'll decide who gets what
later.
Assets.
Okay.
First off.
My lucky Lindy doll.
Got that from a gal I was sweet on.
She took the doll to bed and threw me out.
There's a lesson in that somewhere.
One lucky Lindy doll.
One Horner Harmonica.
Took it off a dead kraut.
Taught it to play American.
Horner Harmonica?
My French rib tickler.
My French rib tickler.
And my fishing gear.
And any bait that outlives me.
I want Sergeant Potter to have that.
No, Max Klinger isn't here.
Who's calling?
Mr. Sport of Kings?
Well, Mr. Sport, I'm sure he'll get back
to you.
No, I'm not really in the market for a
weekly tip sheet.
Yes, I'm sure it's loaded with winners.
But eight zops a month is a bit hefty.
And besides, the missus and I play the
dogs, not the ponies.
But, uh, thanks for thinking of us.
Sorry I'm late, sir.
Big brouhaha in supply.
You wouldn't believe it.
Did you know we've been losing rectal
thermometers lately?
Where could they have gone?
You got some messages.
Mr. Sport of Kings, a handicapped Andy,
and a charming lad, Terry the Tout.
Is Guys and Dolls playing in town?
Forget them, sir.
Don't need them.
Good.
Good, because none of them will leave
their number.
And this also came for you.
At last, my nest egg has hatched.
Look at all these 50s.
I'm rich.
Now I can have a kid.
Playing the thoroughbred stock market,
son?
Can't I pick them?
There's a reason my nose is my best
feature.
I just hope you're smart enough not to
make this a habit.
If gambling was a sure way of making moolah,
the Rockefellers would all be wearing visors.
Colonel, it's not for me.
It's my wife and family security I'm
trying to insure.
One more daily double and I get that
washer and dryer.
By tomorrow, I'll have enough money in the
bank that I can afford to work for the VA.
Klinger, ever since I've known you,
you've had a scam.
And also, ever since I've known you,
they've never worked.
What does that tell you?
I'm due.
Soon-Lee?
Hi, it's me.
Listen, you know that baby store downtown?
Yeah.
Yeah.
With the big store cow front that looks
like me shower.
Well, go down there and clean them out.
No, no, no, no, no.
Now we're dirt rich.
I'll explain later.
You just pick out what we need,
then pick out what we don't.
Come on by after work, we'll swing down
there and pay up the whole tab.
I love you, too.
And America.
America.
Doctors Moeller, Austin, Sutton,
please report to surgery.
Three, Doctors Moeller, Austin,
and Sutton.
One is nine, down for ten.
You will win.
Nine's a winner.
Whatever it is, I'll cover it.
Klinger.
Hey, Klinger, good to see you're mighty.
New blood, let me in.
Give a gambling man some room.
Hey, you guys, keep it down.
Hey, Klinger, you know how to shoot crap?
You're talking about my major in
kindergarten.
Man, that's some back road.
Not enough.
My kids going to college.
What's the point here?
Six.
Six?
Fifty bucks says he don't make it.
I'll take ten.
Let's go.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
Seven.
Come on, baby.
Eight are from Decatur.
Eight.
I don't believe this.
Who rigged the blanket?
Eight of that is mine.
I was in for ten.
Thanks, Klinger.
Look at that wide.
I got a foolproof system, Klinger.
Yeah, yeah.
I just bet against you.
I've been thinking of trying that.
New point is four.
Four.
Thirty bucks says I make.
I'm no fool.
I'm in with you, Reggie, for another thirty.
Can anybody break my last fifty?
Everyone can.
What do you want it in?
Quarters.
I'll take ten.
I'll take twenty myself.
Okay, you paid it.
Oh, my.
Jiggers, it's the church.
Game called on the count of guys.
Wait a minute.
Nobody's going anywhere.
This guy's okay.
You sure?
I trust him in the same bed with my wife.
Could I ever be paid a higher tribute?
All right, Reggie.
Roll them.
I'm with you.
Stay hot.
Stay hot, baby.
Come on.
Give me a four.
Come on.
Unlucky seven.
Thanks a lot.
Max, what are you doing here?
I'm relaxing.
What does it look like?
Okay, I'm the next shooter.
Max, should you be gambling with your
hard-earned money?
It's okay, Father.
I already lost that.
Ten.
Easy ten.
Okay, I'm going for broke.
Twenty bucks.
This five says you don't make it.
Give me two.
I'll cover the rest.
Wait a minute.
Father, roll the dice for me.
Not on your life.
Come on, please.
He wouldn't refuse you.
Please, let's have some dice.
Seven.
Loser.
Oh, Max.
I'm so sorry.
I've never been much good at sports.
Nurse Hudis to recovery.
Nurse Hudis to recovery, please.
Yes, sir.
The patient you're to operate on today
for?
Bob Scannell.
We went to prep him, but found him
missing.
You check the halls, the day room,
that rabbit Warren he lives in?
He's not in either or all of those places,
sir.
Sometimes he likes to sleep on the floor
under his bed.
It's his little way of going camping.
He's high and low.
Tell you what.
Get a hold of Klinger.
Wave a pair of Scannell's old socks under
his nose.
He'll track him down.
Once in Korea, that boy uncovered a
300-year-old jawbone.
Made a nifty planter.
Can't find Mr. Klinger either.
He's been missing for the last hour.
I'm gonna pin everyone in this place to my
sleeve.
All right.
Dig up Father Mulcahy.
Lost soldier, his department.
I'm not supposed to be here, you know.
Me neither.
I go back, I have to face my wife.
I go back, it's to face the knife.
All right.
Colonel Potter's gonna remove some
shrapnel.
I'm not sure I can afford to lose the
weight.
Colonel Potter's the best.
My one regret in life is I was never sick
enough to be operated on by him.
I like the Sarge, but he's old.
His hands aren't.
He's got liver spots.
How good can he be?
I've seen him put people back together
again even when the parts didn't match.
He's one cool cookie under pressure.
Not like some crud I know.
I'm a bum.
A failure's failure.
I give scum a bad name.
I like you.
Do you have any kids, Mr. Scannell?
No one ever comes to visit me.
I must have.
Well, I got one on the way, and I wanted
him to have everything I didn't have,
which was anything.
But now he's gonna have nothing.
Which is still more than I have.
I have now, because on top of how broke I
was before, now I'm even broker.
Some provider.
I do have a kid.
Rich.
Oh, and my laundry.
I'm sorry, going on and on.
You've got your own problems.
I'll say.
What are they?
You're having an operation.
Lord, I gotta get to a bar.
Ah, there you are.
I had to box your ears, the both of you.
We were just leaving, Father.
What's the damage, Tommy?
Forty cents.
Let me get it.
It's in here somewhere.
Will you take a silver filling?
I'll cover this.
Somehow, I seem to have won twenty
dollars.
Colonel, I'm sorry I wasn't here when you
needed me.
Save it.
I heard about the game.
Open your mouth.
I want to stick my hand down your gullet
and give you a whipping from the inside.
Let me help you.
How could you lose all of it?
Not all of it.
I found a dime in the urinal.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I had it right there.
Five hundred.
A hundred dollars.
A perfect start for my kid.
A warm coat for my wife.
Maybe even something for me.
A new head, one with brains.
All right, son.
It's not the end of the world.
Again, no luck.
Klinger, you survived a Korean winter
wearing lace underwear.
You'll survive this.
You think so?
You just keep your chin up, son.
I know things are going to get better for
you.
In the meantime, Soon-Lee is waiting for
you in your office.
You're going to have to face her sometime,
son.
Not necessarily.
We could have her deported.
Get lost.
Yes, sir.
Lost.
I'm good at that.
Reverend Foley, call extension 21.
Reverend Foley, extension 21.
Oh, Soon-Lee, how nice.
Holy Toledo.
Max, isn't this wonderful?
There's so much you can buy when you have
money.
Mr. Sullivan, the manager, said we could
have whatever else we need on layaway.
That means whatever we want, we don't have
to pay for it until we take it.
When you're rich, they let you in on all
the great secrets.
Oh, when I think of all you've done for
us, I could cry.
I have.
My baby will have all it needs,
not like me.
I had no clothes.
My only toy was a wood doll.
Soon-Lee.
Yes, my big provider.
You better go.
I got a ton of work, and I'm way behind.
$500.
Address to me, honey, $500.
I know, you told me this morning.
No, that was a different
I mean, yes, there it is.
But who?
How are you doing, Bob?
I can't feel the rest of my body.
Tell me straight, Father.
Is there anything below my neck?
You're fine.
It's only the drugs.
Ah, gosh, just like Barney Rose.
Father, great, they haven't started yet.
Look at this.
I got the $500 back, all of it.
My word, that's a miracle.
And I know who made the miracle,
the colonel.
He said things would get better.
What a prince.
Just paying him back will never be enough,
thanks.
I'm his.
I'll carry him wherever he goes.
Father, he saved me.
Max, are you sure that it was the colonel?
Yeah, of course.
Who else would have that kind of money
around here?
Well, it's indeed.
And my fishing gear, and any bait that
outlays me.
I don't want Sergeant Potter to have that.
Well, that's about it, partner.
Except for my coffee can.
You want to leave someone coffee?
No, that ran out in 26.
I got some other stuff in here.
Bob, where did you get this?
At the A&P.
It was on sale.
Not the coffee.
The money.
All this cash.
Checks, bonds.
Well, there must be over $10,000 here.
Really?
Hey, looky.
That's where I put my trust.
Darn, all these years I could have been
standing straight.
Bob, is this your disability money?
Where?
Here.
Yeah, my disability, pension, savings, and
10 bucks I made on the winter of World War II.
That there's $30.
Six years worth of collecting.
You haven't spent any of it?
What on?
VA gives me three hots and a cot.
Free medical.
Got no family except Mitch.
And when I lost my dog and my teeth,
there went upkeep.
If you put this in the bank, this would be
a fortune.
Always meant to.
But you know how it is when you're a busy
man.
You want any of this?
Take it.
Buy yourself a Vatican.
No, Bob.
This is yours.
Yours.
To do with as you see fit.
Okay, I'll hold on to it.
Who knows, I may live through this
operation.
Meet a woman.
Mitch always did one, little brother.
He wouldn't allow the nurses to prep him
until he left you the money.
How about that?
I'd hug him if I wasn't sure he'd break.
Mr. Scannell.
Mitch!
I knew you'd come.
No, sir, it's me, Klinger.
I don't know how to thank you, sir.
For what?
The money, the $500.
I didn't give you no $500.
Sure you did.
It's right here.
And it smells like coffee.
I just want you to know I'm going to pay
you back every penny.
You can't, because I didn't give it to you.
It's a present for your future kid.
I wanted to leave the little bag or something,
because I probably won't be around when it's born.
Sure you will.
I'd bet you on it.
I'd bet you on that, but you're broke.
We're ready for Mr. Scannell.
Take care.
Yes, good luck, Bob.
The Lord is with you.
Que sera, sera.
What's that?
Whatever that means, that means.
Imagine a guy giving you money just like
that.
You were lucky.
You left the church a can of sardines.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Bob.
Hmm?
You've got some visitors.
Hello, Mr. Scannell.
Klinger, you look long.
That's the drugs, Bob.
Oh.
One of these days, I'm going to see what
things really look like.
I brought my wife.
Safe, Soon-Lee.
Honey.
Ori, ori, sas-il.
The drugs?
No, Korean.
Thank God.
It's an old Korean saying, Mr. Scannell.
May you live a thousand years.
Oh, no.
No, thanks.
Not another thousand years.
Tuesday, a special three-hour world
premiere.
Michael York and Richard Thomas.
And the classic tale of adventure,
revenge, and love.
The Master of Bellentree, Tuesday.
Later on Emerald Point N.A.S., Jack closes in on a spy,
and Glenn is the target of an expensive conspiracy.
But first, Dick Loudon's at a loss for words
when he hosts a far-out talk show on New Heart.
Next.
Next.