Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e17 Episode Script

1
[hip-hop music]
- Nowadays, everyone
likes every kind of music.
But in the '80s, music
was your whole identity.
You could either be
into pop, hair metal,
or whatever that is.
But at my all-white school,
I was the only kid
who listened to rap.
Back then,
rap wasn't mainstream.
It wasn't on MTV.
And it definitely wasn't
in Honey Nut Cheerios
commercials.
I see you, Nelly.
- The bathroom's
out of toilet paper.
- Hey.
- Careful.
Crack kills.
- [groans]
But rap was my lifeline.
- Hey, yo, Chris ♪
Keep chillin'
They be straight up billin' ♪
Get out your feelings ♪
They don't live how
we be living, boy ♪
- Thanks to rap,
I didn't feel alone.
- Geez.
The bell rang five minutes ago.
Are you people ever on time?
- You don't live
how I'm living, boy.
- If you keep rapping all up in
my face, I'm going to Kenny G
all up in your face.
[humming]
- Oh, no.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no.
[hip-hop music]
♪
- Hi, Mom.
- Hello, Rochelle.
- My mother always had
a strained relationship
with my grandma, Maxine.
That's why you haven't
seen her all season.
- So what's new?
- Hmm.
♪
Nothing, really.
- They never talked about
their personal business
because when they did,
it went like this.
- Are you ever going to
lose that baby weight?
- Ma, I'm still pregnant.
- Answer the question.
[grunting]
- So they just gossiped
about other people instead.
- Ooh.
You know Lulu over on 7th?
- Big eyes, big tatas?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I heard her wig is
actually a raccoon pelt.
[laughter]
- As long as they
stuck to gossip,
nobody got hurt,
except for Aunt Lulu.
♪
- Hey, what are
you listening to?
- I was listening
to Eric B. & Rakim.
- What's that loud,
booming noise?
♪
- The bass.
- Something's
happening to my body.
[screams]
- Ooh, this will
be fun to smash.
- No, please.
That music is what gets
me through the day.
- But smashing stuff is what
gets me through the day.
You never think about my needs.
- Take anything else,
my lunch, my backpack.
- "Follow the Leader"?
What's that?
♪
- Wait. You like it?
Of course he likes rap.
It's loud, it's aggressive,
and they say the N-word a lot.
- How have I never
heard this before?
- Because of Tipper Gore.
Before she was the second
lady of the United States,
she was the first
lady of censorship.
She created parental advisory
stickers for rap albums.
Tipper's wall was just like
the one in "Game of Thrones,"
except she built hers
because [bleep] is coming.
- Sit with me at
lunch tomorrow.
And bring more rap.
- I couldn't believe it.
The guy who wanted to
hang me wanted to hang.
- Next week on
"Nights of our Deaths,"
Nicoletta comes back from the
dead to announce that Antonio
is also back from the dead.
- I have returned from the
dead, like you, Nicoletta.
- Wow.
That's the fifth person
that came back from the dead
this week.
- Uh-huh.
- Paolo was like, I'm dead.
And then he was like,
I'm not dead.
Then in the second scene,
he was like, bitch,
wasn't I just dead?
- Son, I'd love to hear you
act out the whole thing,
but I'll be late for work.
- Blast that booty with me,
Buffo the Boogie.
You'll get all my moves,
bicep blasters, butt blasters,
bye-bye jelly blasters,
all for the low,
low price of 19.95.
- Whoa.
I didn't know dancing
could be a workout.
Dad, can we do that together?
- Not for the high,
high price of 19.95.
That's 19.95 worth of money.
- [sighs]
OK.
- How about this?
Tomorrow, I'll
train you for free.
- Really?
- Thanks, Dad.
I'm going to be like, ooh,
ooh, workout, workout.
Ooh, ooh.
Then I'm going to be like--
[grunts]
- And then she cheated on
the mailman with the UPS guy.
- Sounds like they
were delivering
more than just packages.
[laughter]
- OK.
You ain't never lied.
- [coughs]
[sucks teeth]
- Wow.
Look at the time.
- Yeah, I should get going.
- Tonya, come say
bye to grandma.
- You're leaving already?
Time must have
flown by while I was
reading the amazing
illustrated Bible you gave me.
- Aren't you sweet?
Go buy yourself some candy.
- Wow.
$5.00 for little old me?
Thank you, Grandma.
- Bye now.
- I hate the color red, but I
sure do love the color green.
- Ooh, thank God we only have
to do that three times a year.
- I love her, but whew.
It smells like Bengay
and Werther's Originals.
I'm going to crack a window.
[tense music]
Did Grandma say anything
about that super fine hunk
who's all up on her out there?
- Super fine what now?
[soft music]
- Your chariot
awaits, senorita.
- [laughs]
Flávio.
- Who is that middle-aged
gigolo, and why
is he wearing a baby shirt?
[hip-hop music]
- Keep it down.
I'm trying to sleep.
- It's 4:30 in the afternoon.
The sun is still out.
- I got to wake up early.
I'm helping Dad
with his deliveries.
And then we're going
to work out together.
- Well, I got to go through
these rap CDs for Caruso.
After years of feeling
like an outcast at school,
this could finally be
my chance to fit in.
- [snoring]
- [sighs]
- Now, boy.
- Flavor Flav?
- I'm your fairy god rapper,
and I don't want you to give
my album to that bully.
- But he's going to let me
sit at his table at lunch.
- Yeah, that's
called selling out.
Don't be using my music
to make bullies like you.
- This is my chance to be cool.
Ow. My tooth.
- This is not gonna work.
You can give away our culture,
but they'll never respect you.
- Well, I'm doing it.
- I'm disappointed
in you, Chris.
- Yeah, me too,
but I'm still doing it.
- Hey, put me next to
KRS-One, would you?
He owes me money.
- We make a good team, Drew.
That's the fastest I've
ever done my deliveries.
- Just leaves more time
for us to work out.
[laughter]
- Drew, we already worked out.
Throwing bundles of newspaper
strengthens the upper body.
Running from dogs was cardio.
And squat and squat and squat.
Squatting was squatting.
Not sure how you missed that.
- I guess I should
have put that together.
- No problem.
Same time tomorrow?
- Wait.
So we're not doing
Buffo the Boogie, like, ever?
- Who needs him?
My work workout got
you pumped, right?
- Oh. Yeah.
So pumped.
Hell yeah.
♪
- Yo, Chris.
Over here.
- Oh, I got to stop leaving
my knife in my pocket.
- [sighs]
- Did you bring
another rap album?
I asked my parents if I could
buy one, and my mom fainted.
- My dad cried.
- My priest tried to
perform an exorcism.
- Relax.
I got you.
This guy is dope.
♪
- He's from my neighborhood.
- Wait.
You know this guy?
- Yeah.
I seen him at the barbershop.
One time, I even
slipped on his hair.
♪
- Hey homeguys, what's illin'?
- Are you wearing earplugs?
- Why would I wear earplugs?
I love this music.
[gasps]
- Greg, you don't have
to pretend to like this.
- I'm not pretending.
- He's pee-tendning.
- I'm going to listen
from the bathroom.
The acoustics
in there are great.
- Ew.
- Wait till you guys
hear Kool Moe Dee.
One time he got in a rap
battle with Busy Bee.
- Wait.
Rappers fight?
Oh, I love fights.
- Yeah, but they use words,
not weapons.
Tell that to 50 Cent.
♪
- He's probably just a
distant cousin of my mommy's
daddy's mommy's side.
Julius, my mama
has a cousin who's
a super hot Brazilian,
right, right, right?
- No, but you got a husband
who's a super hot Bed-Stuy guy.
- Don't you have one of
those two jobs to get to?
- Wait. Tell me I'm hot.
Maybe he's just an overeager
candidate for mayor,
or a blind person, or a blind,
overeager candidate for mayor.
- Ooh, if he wins, Grandma
can get us on his payroll.
I'm trying to get me
some of that nepotism.
- You know,
you could just ask Maxine
who that Brazilian guy is.
- And you could just
mind your damn business.
- [grunts]
- Ooh.
I got an idea.
[phone rings]
- Go for Dr. Mike.
State your emergency.
- Dr. Mike?
- Oh, hey, Chelle.
I was waiting on a call
from a lady friend.
I told her I was an ear,
nose, and foot doctor
'cause you know
I like them toes.
- I don't care.
Who the hell is that
tan god of a man
chauffeuring our mother around?
- Oh, Flávio?
Yeah, that's my man Flávs.
Real cool.
He buys me stuff.
We play catch.
And he calls me champ.
- He's treating you like
some sort of stepson.
[gasps]
Is he sexing Mom?
- I don't think so.
Whenever he comes over,
they go up to her room,
and I hear noises.
And the headboard is broken.
Oh.
He's here to fix the headboard.
- Oh, God!
He's sexing our mother.
- Are you crazy?
I don't know where
you're getting that from.
Hey, if I said
I lost a patient today,
would you think that
I was a bad doctor,
or would you want
to comfort me?
- Handsome younger man
breaking headboards
with a 68-year-old grandmother
on Social Security.
[gasps] That Brazilian
beefcake is scamming
my mama out of her money.
[tense music]
- These are worse
than church clothes.
- Shut up and put your wig on.
- Looking stronger, Drew.
Shoot, I should put
out my own tape.
[upbeat music]
Hello, hard workers.
You just got hired to do
Julius's Working Workout.
Clock in, clock out.
- Clock in, clock out.
- Now drive, and drive.
And honk.
- You're always working.
You fix your dolly
while we watch TV.
You pick up passengers when
you drive me to school.
Look-- you're
working right now.
- Hello, Hollywood?
I'd like to pitch you
Julius's Working Workout.
- How about pitching
spending time with your son?
- Please hold.
I'll be right with you.
Of course I'm working.
That's how I pay
for everything.
You do like eating
and having a bed, right?
- You're-- you're right, Dad.
We can just hang out while
you're doing other stuff.
[tense music]
- Ooh. There they are.
♪
- Stay low.
If Grandma sees
me stalking her,
she'll never give
me money again.
- If Flávio takes
all her money,
she'll have none
left to give you.
- After him!
[dramatic music]
♪
- I knew it.
He's driving her to the bank
and taking her to the cleaners.
- He gets $500 and doesn't even
have to wear a church dress?
- Quick.
We got to stay on him.
- Where do you
think you're going?
You have to clean the bathroom.
- I don't need this fake job.
My man has two real jobs.
- I pity that mop.
- First he earns her trust.
And then he takes her money.
- Oh, no he doesn't.
Go faster.
- Then he'll kill her.
Then he'll probably skin her,
wear as a Halloween costume,
and everyone will say what
a terrible daughter I am.
[gasps]
- Rochelle?
- For the first time ever,
I was excited to walk
into the cafeteria.
All the kids needed me.
I was their only connection
to rap, and they were feenin'.
Kool Moe Dee.
I got that pure,
uncut Kool Moe Dee.
- Yo, yo, yo.
Can you front me a single?
I get my allowance on Friday.
- Bitch, ain't
nothing free here.
What up?
Wait.
What's up?
Tracksuits?
Bucket hats?
Gold chains?
Are you doing a gangsta lean?
- You know it, boy.
- How'd you get a rap CD?
- I stole it 'cause I'm hood.
- You're what?
- All I could afford
was a cassette.
I'm so ghetto.
- Uh, you never even
been to the ghetto.
- It's cool.
I'm Black from the waist down.
- You're not.
I've seen it at the gym.
- Come on.
Don't be lame, my [bleep].
- OK, you can't say that.
- Now you're censoring me?
- I'm just saying
you can't be doing that.
- You say you're from the hood,
but you're whiter than me.
I'm more Black than
you'll ever be.
- It's a rap battle.
[cheering]
- No. It's not.
- Come on, guys.
He's wiggity wiggity wack.
[groaning]
- I can't believe it.
They stole my music.
You can't believe
they stole your music?
They stole us from Africa.
- Ooh.
Do you think she could see me?
- Yep.
What are we going to do?
Help me, Grandma.
Mama was driving so fast even
though I begged her not to.
- What is going on, Rochelle?
- Mama, I'm sorry.
But you don't understand.
This unspeakably
beautiful man--
he is pretending
to be your lover.
But he's really just
after your money, Ma.
- That's my Christmas
money, you bastard.
- What?
Flávio isn't my lover.
He's my home health aide.
- Your what?
- I do love her,
but as a patient.
My only lover is my job.
But I'm working on that.
- You'll be hearing
from my insurance.
Flávio, storm me off.
- Oh, Mama, we got to fix this.
El DeBarge's El Perfume
won't pay for itself.
[hip-hop music]
- It's everywhere.
[screams]
- [beatboxing]
- Flav, you play drums?
- I play 15 different
instruments--
drums, piano, trumpet.
- Sorry.
Are you going to
do this 15 times?
- Damn, you're in a pissy mood.
- I feel like I sold out
my culture, my ancestors,
everything we marched for.
- I told you not to sell out.
- What do I do now?
The white kids
ruined rap for me.
- People can't ruin something
for you unless you let them.
You're giving them
power over you.
Take it back.
- How?
- I play 15 different
instruments.
- Yeah, I know.
Ow.
Same tooth.
- But the most powerful
instrument of all is my voice.
- You're right.
Thanks, Flavor Flav.
- You got it.
Before you go, I also play
the sousaphone, theremin--
- Save it.
[eerie music]
[hip-hop music]
- Drew, I'm sorry I didn't
give you my full attention.
I guess that's just
how my dad was with me.
- Elder Leroy,
can we go swimming today?
- Of course, son.
- Look, Dad--
I learned how to butterfly.
- Then flap the
hell out of my way.
I got a line of people
I got to commit to Christ.
- It's fine, Dad.
You don't have to
spend time with me.
- Oh, OK.
Then I guess, I'll just
do the Buffo the Boogie
video by myself then.
- Wait. You bought the video?
- Hmm, something like that.
- Blast that booty.
Blast that bum.
Blast it
till the muscles come.
And work, and work.
- Thanks, Dad.
I'm having a blast.
- Me too, and all for the
low, low price of free.
- Hey.
No boogieing in the library.
[upbeat music]
- Oh, oh.
Let's hit the Crown
Heights branch next.
[laughter]
♪
[knock at the door]
- Hi, Mom.
- Hello, Rochelle.
- Mom, I want to talk
to you about something.
- What, how my neighbor is
the prime suspect in her
husband's disappearance?
- I knew it.
She was always giving
me the stink eye.
[laughter]
- Good to see you.
- Yeah, I should go.
- No!
I can't stay silent any longer.
When I took the three-hour
course on home health care,
I promised to always do
what's best for my patients.
And right now, you need to
talk to your daughter, Maxine.
- That sun-kissed
Adonis is right.
Mom, we need to talk.
I care about you, and I want
to know about your life.
- But whenever we get
personal with each other,
we end up fighting.
Gossip just works for us.
- I know.
You're right.
You know, I heard there
was a beautiful older
woman living
in this very building
who has a home health aide.
And everyone's wondering
why she needs one.
- There are two aides
in this building?
I thought we had a code.
- Well, I heard that gorgeous,
intelligent woman fell
down and injured her buttocks.
- That happened to
you too, Maxine.
My God.
What are the odds?
- Well, I heard
that woman's daughter
was very relieved to hear
it was just a broken ass.
- OK.
Now, this is just too weird.
Are my hands my hands?
- Well, I heard
a big-boned brother
is trying to watch "Soul Train"
while everyone is talking.
[laughter]
[suspenseful music]
- Caruso.
- Step off, Chris.
You are not about this life.
- Rap is my life,
and I'm taking it back.
- Ooh. It's about to go down.
- [blows raspberry]
He does not got the juice.
- The most powerful
instrument of all is my voice.
- I won't give
you the power ♪
The time is now,
it's my hour ♪
You can't have rap,
it's mine ♪
So listen up
as I spit these lines ♪
Uh ♪
- Whoa.
- Your cafeteria delirium
is nearing the end ♪
I gave you rap ♪
And you mistreat it like
your only Black friend ♪
- Ooh.
Yay.
A performance.
- Mom?
- One last lesson
from Chrissy Chris ♪
You don't need rap
to make Mommy pissed ♪
She's already mad
you even exist ♪
That's how I
thought I sounded,
but this is how
I really sounded.
- Hey, come on. Huh, huh.
Yeah.
You ain't ready.
I'm about to spit some fire.
Whew, uh.
[cheering]
- Wait.
You like that?
- Oh, my God.
That's so cute.
- What is this music?
- It's rap, and it's not cute.
- Maybe rap isn't dangerous.
I mean, look at his
adorable sweater vest.
- Jo-Jo, I want
to hear you rap.
Do a cute rap for Mommy.
- Ma, no.
- Wait.
So you guys don't
like rap anymore?
- You ruined it.
- I never liked rap.
My body rejected it.
Do you guys want to come over
and listen to my collection
of erotic jazz?
[somber music]
- Thanks again for that advice.
- I'm proud of you.
You saved the rap from
those kids for now.
- What you mean, "for now"?
- You see that boy, Rob?
- Yeah.
- Come with me to the future.
[dramatic music]
That's Rob.
Now he goes by his stage name,
Vanilla Ice.
- All right, stop.
- Oh, God, no.
You stop now.
Whoa.
- Everybody still
hates Chris ♪
[hip-hop music]
♪
- MTV ♪