Level Up (2012) s01e17 Episode Script

AH!
[ALL]
AH!
IT'S THE
MERCHANT OF MENACE.
WE'RE BORKED.
[WYATT]
THAT GUY IS SERIOUS EVIL.
HE JUST TURNED THAT BLACKSMITH
INTO AN ICICLEFOR HIS SHOP.
WE GOT TO TAKE HIM OUT BEFORE
HE TAKES OVER THIS WHOLE HAMLET.
[ALL]
TULTA MUNILLE!
[LAUGHS]
WHERE DID HE GO?
GENTLEMEN, GRAB YOUR WEAPONS
AND YOUR WALLETS.
LOOKS LIKE THE MERCHANT OF
MENACE
HAS BECOME OUR MENACE.
ALL RIGHT.
THE MERCHANT OF MENACE
IS IN HERE.
THERE HE IS.
NO! DON'T SHOOT!
WHY WOULD YOU SHOOT TERMITES?
WHEN HAVE WE EVER FOUGH
A GUY MADE OUT OF WOOD?
SORRY. I HAD IT ON "SHUFFLE."
WHY ARE YOU PROTECTING
THE MERCHANT OF MENACE?
HE'S THE SPOKESPERSON
FOR MY NEW EXPANSION PACK.
ORDER YOUR EXPANSION PACK,
AND GET A FREE TEE-SHIRT.
SHIPPING AND HANDLING
NOT INCLUDED,
TEE-SHIRT NOT ACTUALLY FREE.
YOU LEAKED A VILLAIN
TO PROMOTE YOUR GAME?
YEAH.
[WHISPERING]
I DON'T HAVE TO PAY HIM.
ALL RIGHT.[MAX] RELAX.
HE'S ONLY THE TENTH MOST EVIL
VILLAIN I'VE EVER PROGRAMMED.
YEAH, WELL EVEN IF THE
MERCHANT OF MENACE
ISN'T THE WORST BAD GUY,
HE'S STILL A BAD GUY.
HE CAN'T JUST BE LOOSE
IN OUR WORLD.
HE'S NOT.
THANKS TO THIS SPECIAL AMULET.
WATCH.
HEY MERCHANT, YOUR HORNS MAKE
YOU LOOK LIKE A BABY GOAT.
WHY YOU!
[HISSING, BUZZING]
[LAUGHING]
YOU!
[VARIOUS GROANS]
[LAUGHING]
FORGET IT.
SHOCKS HIM EVERY TIME
HE TRIES TO DO SOMETHING EVIL.
IT'S LIKE A BARK COLLAR
FOR VILLAINS.
[LAUGHS]
EXACTLY.
OKAY MERCHANT.
TIME FOR PHASE ONE OF MY MASTER
MARKETING PLAN.
GO DOWN TO THE SHOP-AND-SHOP
CORNER AND SPEND THAT SIGN,
GOT IT?
YES, YES I DO.
OR I COULD JUST TAKE THIS SIGN,
AND JAM IT INTO--
[VARIOUS GROANS]
[LAUGHTER]
OH, NEVER MIND.
I'M GOING.
I BETTER GET HOME.
I FORGOT TO PUT MY NEW TIGER IN
HIS CAGE.
SO THAT PROBABLY MEANS
HE ATE MY BUTLER.
AND NOW I'LL HAVE
TO FIND A NEW BUTLER.
MAN WHY IS MY LIFE
SO HARD?
[MIDDLE EASTERN]
[ANNOUNCING]
POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS.
DON'T MISS OUT ON THE NEW
CONQUEROR OF ALL WORLDS
EXPANSION PACK,
STARRING ME!
[HORN HONKS]
[KID]
NICE COSTUME, IDIOT!
WHY YOU MOUSE-BREEDING
IMBEDOLTS.
[HISSING]
[VARIOUS GROANS]
[SIGHS]
HONESTLY, I FEEL SORRY
FOR THAT SUCKER.
HE'S NOT EVIL.
HE'S PATHETIC.SURE.
BUT IF HE GETS LOOSE,
DESTROYS THE UNIVERSE
AND KILLS EVERYBODY NEAR
AND DEAR TO US,
HE SURE WON'T SEEM
PATHETIC THEN.
HUH?
[GASPS]
HE'S GOING IN
THE SHOP-AND-SHOP.
WHAT IS HE DOING IN THERE?
[GROANS]
CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
PERHAPS.
YOU SEE
I HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF
EXPERIENCE PERSUADING CUSTOMERS
AND FREEZING OU
THE COMPETITION.
ONE DAY I PLAN TO TAKE OVER--
OH, YOU'RE HERE
FOR THE JOB OPENING.
YES?
WELL, YOU SEEM AMBITIOUS.
AND EXPERIENCED.
BUT ARE YOU TOUGH ENOUGH
TO HANDLE THIS JOB?
MY HEART PUMPS LAVA.
WELL THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR ME.
YOU START IMMEDIATELY.
AND WHO KNOWS, WITH HARD WORK
AND DETERMINATION,
ONE DAY YOU CAN RISE FROM A
SIMPLE STORE CLERK,
TO RUNNING THE WHOLE
SHOP-AND-SHOP EMPIRE.
EMPIRE? I ACCEPT YOUR OFFER.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU GO.
OH.
NOW, I CAN BEGIN MY ASCEN
FROM NUMBER TEN
TO NUMBER ONE.
[SNIFFS]
OH, THIS MOP SMELLS.
WHY IS HE STILL IN THERE?
HE'S PROBABLY GETTING
A WATERED DOWN SODA
AND AN EXPIRED HOTDOG.
OKAY, RELAX.
WE'LL JUST GO IN AND FIND OUT.
OH!
WE CAN'T JUST WALK IN THERE.
HE'LL RECOGNIZE US.
[SLURPING]
UM!
[CHUCKLES]
HM.
[LOW THUNDER]
AH!
[RASPBERRIES][CLEARS THROAT]
WHAT, HE WORKS HERE?
AND THERE'S TWO-FOR-ONE
TAQUITOS.
WELL, THIS IS TOO GOOD
TO BE TRUE, ANGIE.
HE'S A RUTHLESS MERCHANT.
[MERCHANT]
HELLO POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS!
AH, HMMHELLO THERE, SIR.
THIS IS MY PARTNER
ZINDOO BEYA.
MY NAME IS RODRIGO.
WE'RE FROM THE
CITY INSPECTION UNIT.
WE JUST WANT MAKE SURE THERE'S
NOTHING DANGEROUS
OR EVIL GOING ON HERE.
OF COURSE.
FEEL FREE TO TAKE
A LOOK AROUND.
EVERYTHING LOOKS IN ORDER.
CARRY ON. RODRIGO, SHALL WE?
OKAY, WE'RE JUST GOING TO LOOK
OUT THE BACK HERE,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
AH!
[WHISPERING]
YOU ARE TERRIBLE AT ACCENTS.
ORDER YOUR NEW EXPANSION PACK
AND GET A FREE TEE-SHIRT.
SHIPPING AND HANDLING
NOT INCLUDED.
ORDER NOW.AH!
WOO!
BARBARA.DANTE.
THIS PLACE NEEDS
A BOUNCER.UH HUH.
HOW DID YOU KNOW
I WAS HERE?
OH, BECAUSE I ALREADY
CHECKED THE SEWERS.
BARBARA.
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE BEING SEEN
IN PUBLIC WITH YOU
UNLESS YOU'RE BUYING ME
SOMETHING.
AND I DON'T SEE A PING PONG
TABLE IN YOUR HANDS.
SO WHAT'S UP?
I NEED YOUR HELP, DANTE.
WE'VE BEEN SHORT A STAFF MEMBER
AT THE KIDS GYM
EVER SINCE DEBBIE GOT STUCK
IN THAT SOMERSALT, UGH.
THAT WAS A BAD SCENE.
THE PARAMEDICS, THEY HAD TO ROLL
HER RIGHT OUT OF THERE.
OH, NO.
YOU'RE NOT ASKING ME TO
VOLUNTEER AT ONE OF YOUR
JOB-SLASH-HOBBIES, ARE YOU?
I'M NOT ASKING, DANTE.
I'M TELLING.
[ECHOING]
TELLING, TELLING, TELLING,
TELLING
CAN YOU BELIEVE BARBARA
FORCING ME TO VOLUNTEER
AT A KIDS GYM, HUH?
SHE IS MY MOM.
NOT MY PAROLE OFFICER.
HOLD UP.
DID YOU JUST SAY KIDS GYM?
AS IN THE KIDS GYM
IN THE STRIP MALL?
YEAH.
LIKE WITH THE MINI TRAMPOLINES
AND THE TUMBLING MATS.
UM, YEAH, I GUESS.
HA LA-LA, I WILL SO GO THERE
WITH YOU.
WE GOT TIME BEFORE WE HAVE TAKE
OVER WYATT AND ANGIE'S SHIFT.
BUT JUST TO BE CLEAR,
I'M VOLUNTEERING BECAUSE I
RESPECT AND ADMIRE
YOUR BARBARA, NOT BECAUSE I WAN
TO PRETEND I'M JUMPING
ON THE MOON.
BUT LET'S GET A DRINK FIRST.
MAN, WYATT AND ANGIE
WEREN'T KIDDING.
MERCHANT REALLY DOES
WORK HERE.
AND NOW TWO-FOR-ONE TAQUITOS.
[GASPS]YES!
LYLE, LOOK.
A PYRAMID OF SPORTS DRINKS.
I HAD NO INTERES
IN BUYING ONE,
UNTIL THEY WERE DISPLAYED
SO BEAUTIFUL.
UH!
[LAUGHS]
HEY, MAN.
DID YOU, UH, DID YOU DO ALL
THIS, MAN?
I AM A MERCHAN
OF MANY TALENTS.
GOOD, LET'S USE THOSE.
GET ME A HOTDOG,
NO RELISH.
[GROANS]OKAY.
YO, I NEVER THOUGH
I'D SAY THIS,
BUT MAYBE MAX DOES KNOW
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
[GRINDING NOISE][DANTE] WHAT IS WYATT SO WORRIED
ABOUT?
THIS GUY IS COMPLETELY
HARMLESS.
[GROANS]
UH!
[LAUGHING]
NO RELISH.
HERE'S YOUR HOTDOG, SIR.
THANK YOU.
[GAGGING]AH!
HEY, I SAID NO RELISH.
OH, SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO
DESTROY YOUR MEAL.
[LAUGHTER]
I CAN TELL FROM YOUR LAUGHTER
THAT YOU'RE BEING SINCERE.
LYLE, LICK THIS OFF.EW, NO MAN!
[LYLE]
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
[MERCHANT]
HAVE A NICE DAY.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, I'M BACK FROM LUNCH.
JUST IN TIME FOR ME TO FREEZE
PRICES, AND YOU.
JUST KIDDING. I'M NO
GOING TO FREEZE PRICES.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS WHOLE THING'S A FAIL.
THE MERCHANT OF MENACE
IS MORE LIKE A MER-CAN
DO-ANYTHING-MENACE.
OKAY, EVEN THOUGH THA
HURT MY EARS,
SERIOUSLY THERE IS NOTHING
GOING ON WITH THIS GUY.
THAT'S THE POINT.
WHEN THERE'S TOO MUCH
NOTHING GOING ON,
IT MEANS THAT SOMETHING'S
GOING ON.
YEP.[LYLE] ALL RIGHT.
THAT HURT MY BRAIN.
DANTE AND I ARE GOING
TO SWING BY BARBARA'S WORK.
OKAY, FINE, WELL.
THE DEFENDERS OF JUSTICE
WILL BE RIGHT HERE WATCHING.
EVER VIGILANT,
EAGLE EYE NEVER TURNING AWAY.
THE MERCHANT OF MENACE
JUST LEFT.WHAT?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WHAT?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS
MEETING'S ABOUT?
I HOPE IT'S ABOUT MY CAR.
IT GOT TOWED AGAIN.
YOU GOT TO STOP
PARKING ON THE SIDEWALK.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
WELCOME, MERCHANTS.
AND THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING MY
EMERGENCY MEETING
OF MINI MALL MERCHANTS.
I'VE BROUGHT YOU ALL HERE
FOR A VERY IMPORTANT REASON.
ARE WE GOING TO GE
PARKING SPOTS ON THE SIDEWALK?
[SIGHS]
GIVE IT UP, BRIAN.
HOW DID YOU EVEN GET A LICENSE?NO.
I'LL PUT THAT ON
THE AGENDA FOR NEXT WEEK.
I AM CURRENTLY ON A QUES
TO BECOME THE MOST EVIL
VILLAIN IN THE WORLD.
BUT IN ORDER TO DO SO,
I WILL BE TAKING
OVER YOUR SHOPS,
AND ASSEMBLING AN ARMY.
WHO WILL JOIN ME?
[SIGHS]
I WILL.
GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO
NOW THAT MY CAR IS GONE.
GREAT! WHO ELSE?
IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE?
I'M OUT OF HERE.
[GROWLS]
[LOW THUNDER]
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
BRIAN. I OWN THE SCENTED
CANDLESHOP, CANDLES IN THE WIND.
OKAY, BRIAN.
AS MY NEW HENCHMAN,
YOUR FIRST TASK IS TO PICK
EVERYBODY UP
AND PUT THEM SOMEPLACE SAFE.
YES, SIR.
[MANICAL LAUGHTER]
[LYLE]
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR MOM
GETS TO WORK HERE.
[SCREAMS]
PENALTY TIME.
MOVE! MOVE!
LITTLE GIRL, IT'S MY TURN.
MOVE! MY TURN! WATCH OUT!
[SCREAMS]
DANTE?
WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT STUFF?
IT'S FOR A NEW GAME
I MADE UP.
GUESS WHO SMASHED THE PUMPKIN.
THE RULES ARE COMPLICATED,
BUT THE KIDS
ARE GOING TO LOVE IT.
YOU CANNOT HAVE A BA
AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU'RE
CARRYING IN A KIDS GYM.
IT'S DANGEROUS. YOU GOT TO GE
RID OF ALL THIS STUFF RIGHT NOW.
FINE. UH.
THANK YOU.
AND TELL YOUR FRIEND, LONNIE,
IT'S STILL TODDLER TIME
ON THE TRAMPOLINE.
[LYLE]
DANTE!
CRIKEY, I'M A KANGAROO!
OKAY, REMEMBER.
MY NAME IS ANGEL.
AND YOU ARE
CHUN HEI.
THERE'S A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON
WHY WE'RE GOING INTO THIS
CONFERENCE ROOM.
WE ARE THE NEW JANITORS.YEAH.
WELL, DON'T MIND US.
WE'RE JUST JANITORS
DOING OUR JANITORIAL RUNS, SO.
OH.WAIT, HOW DID EVERYBODY
LEAVE SO FAST?
PERHAPS WE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME
ON MY WIG.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, WYATT.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
OKAY?I GOT A BAD FEELING, ANGIE.
IS YOUR WIG ITCHING, OR
I WAS TALKING ABOU
THE MERCHANT.
YES, I THINK SOMETHING
IS ALIVE IN THIS WIG.
NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS
IS FINDING MY PERFECT LAIR.
I WANT TO GET SETTLED
BEFORE I TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
ANY IDEAS, BRIAN?
YOU COULD STAY AT MY MOM'S.
SHE HAS A SPARE ROOM
WITH A TRUNDLE BED.
WE COULD HAVE A SLEEP OVER.
THANKS FOR THE OFFER, BRIAN.
BUT I'M LOOKING FOR MORE OF A
PLACE WHERE I COULD SET UP SHOP
IN A BIG EVIL SORT OF WAY.
HM, YES, THIS WOULD BE NICE.
BRIAN, HOW LONG
WOULD IT TAKE YOU
TO TURN THAT PLASTIC
BALL PI
INTO A PIT OF VENOMOUS SNAKES?
GOLLY, I'D HAVE TO FIND
LIKE 1,000 SNAKES.
I DON'T KNOW.
20 MINUTES.
PERFECT.
HI, WELCOME TO KIDS GYM,
WHERE KIDS CAN GO BOOM
IN A SAFE AND HEALTHY
ENVIRONMENT.
ARE YOU HERE TO PLAN A PARTY?
INDEED.
A PARTY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.
ONE MIGHT EVEN CALL IT
A WORLDWIDE RAGER.
[LAUGHS]
HUH. WHERE IS HE?
ACCORDING TO THIS SCHEDULE HE
WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK 'TIL FIVE.
EVIL KNOWS NO SCHEDULE, ANGIE.
EXCUSE ME
CHUN HEI.
A HOTDOG, PLEASE.
NO RELISH.
DANTE, IT'S ME.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, ANGIE.
HOTDOG, PLEASE.
NO RELISH.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR CONDIMENTS.
WE'VE GOT A GIGANTIC PROBLEM.
THE MERCHANT OF MENACE
IS ON THE LOOSE.
MAN I KNEW MAX DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT HE WAS DOING.
THE TENTH MOST DANGEROUS LEAK IS
ON THE LOOSE IN DAVENTRY HILLS.
WELL, WE'RE ABOUT TO CLOSE.
BUT WHY DON'T I GO GET THE PARTY
FORMS FROM THE BACK ROOM.
I'LL JUST BE A SECOND.
OKAY.
MORE LIKE SHE'LL BE BACK
IN A SECOND LIFETIME.
[LOW THUNDER]
[LAUGHTER]
BOTH: [LAUGHTER]
I'LL GO GET THE SNAKES.
[LAUGHS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
UH, WHOEVER'S OUT THERE,
CAN YOU LET ME OUT?
YEAH, I'M NOT ASKING,
I AM TELLING.
[ECHOING]
I AM TELLING
BARBARA?
HEY, HAS ANYONE SEEN
THE MERCHANT OF MENACE?
I HAVE TO GET HIM
TO AN INTERVIEW.
OH.
I BET HE'S IN THE
KIDS' GYM.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
UM, YES.
ONCE I TURN THAT TUMBLING AREA
INTO A PIT OF BROKEN GLASS,
THIS PLACE WILL REALLY BEGIN TO
FEEL LIKE HOME, BRIAN.
AND THEN THE REAL WORK
CAN BEGIN.
HEY DO YOU THINK I CAN
CRASH HERE ONCE IN A WHILE?
MAYBE.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOU
SLEEPING ON BROKEN GLASS?
[DOOR OPENS]
[ALL] TULTA MUNILLE!
[VARIOUS SHOUTS]
INTRUDERS!
AH, POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS.
TODAY, WE HAVE A DISCOUN
ON DEATH.
I'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT, AH!
[ALL]
OH!
MY SHRINKING WHEEL.
YOU MAX GET I
SO WE CAN SHRINK HIM.
[MERCHANT]
AH, DON'T LET A ONE-EYED MAN
BEAT YOU, BRIAN.
[BOTH]
AH!
HA!
[SIGHS][GROANS]
GET IN THERE, MAX. WE'LL TAKE
CARE OF THE MERCHANT.
[LOW THUNDER]
AH!
A LIITTLE HELP, WYATT.
[LOW THUNDER]
[CARROUSEL MUSIC]
LOOKS LIKE THE DEFENDERS
OF JUSTICE ARE GONNA HAVE TO
RIDE AGAIN--
RIDE AGAIN--
[WYATT]
AS I WAS SAYING,
IT LOOKS LIKE THE DEFENDERS OF
JUSTICE--
JUST BLAST HIM ALREADY!
AH!
[LOUD EXPLOSION]
YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT.
WHOA!
NOT IF I STRIKE YOU OUT FIRST.
HA HA!
MY TURN!
[TINY SCREAMS]
WHY'D YOU POINT THA
THING?
[BOTH]
SORRY.
[LAUGHTER]
[BARBARA]
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE,
AND WHO PUT UP THIS
CHILDPROOF GATE?
I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN RID OF THA
ANNOYING WOMAN TO BEGIN WITH.
NOBODY CALLS MY BARBARA
ANNOYING, EXCEPT ME.
LYLE, GET THAT DUMB, LEAKY
THING-A-MA-GUY OUT OF MY WAY.
YOU READY TO DANCE?
'CAUSE I HEAR YOUR
FAVORITE SONG.
[VARIOUS SCREAMS]
YOUR PUNY WEAPONS
ARE NO MATCH FOR ME.
I'M TOO BIG TO FAIL.
OH, REALLY?
PREPARE TO BE DOWNSIZED.
[BUZZ]
UH! NO!
[TINY VOICE]
MY EVIL QUEST ISN'T OVER.
[LAUGHTER]
NOT SUCH A BIG TOUGH GUY NOW,
ARE YOU?
MERCHANT
NO, DON'T!
[LOW ROARING]
YES!
I'M BACK!
[SCREAMS]
DON'T WORRY, MR. MENACE.
I'LL AVENGE YOU SHRINKING
AND DISAPPEARING.
WELL, THAT'S IT.
SOMEONE'S GETTING A
FIVE-FINGERED BEAT DOWN.
[YELLING AND SHOUTING]
[GASPS][BARBARA] DANTE?
IS THAT YOU OUT THERE?
IS THIS SOME KIND OF PRANK?
I'M COMING, BARBARA.
OH! GOSH!
I WAS IN THERE SO LONG, I
THOUGHT THE DOOR
WAS GOING HAVE TO BE BROKEN DOWN
BY A HUNKY FIREMAN.
SORRY TO LET YOU DOWN.
DON'T WORRY, DANTE.
I'VE GOTTEN USED TO IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
BACK HERE ANYWAY?
AND WHAT DID YOU DO
TO MY OBSTACLE COURSE?
WELL, WE
PLAYING GUESS WHO SMASHED
THE PUMPKIN.
SORRY, MISS ONTERO.
WE DIDN'T KNOW WE
WERE GOING TO GET CAUGHT.
THIS IS A KIDS GYM, LANCE.
THIS IS NO PLACE
FOR PLAYING GAMES.
WE'RE VERY SORRY.
WE'LL JUST PACK UP OUT GEAR
AND HEAD OUT.
NOT UNTIL YOU CLEAN UP THIS
MESS, WAYLON.
[SIGHS]
COME ON, WAYLON. LET'S GO.
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT A
PUNISHMENT WHEN WE GET HOME.
I'M JUST GLAD YOU'RE ALIVE
TO PUNISH ME, BARBARA.
OH!
HOW NICE.
YOU'RE VERY STRANGE.
JUST SO YOU KNOW,
THIS DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR
PUNISHMENT.
SAME WITH ME.
I WOKE UP FREEZING
IN THAT FREEZER.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHA
WAS GOING ON.
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
BACK OFF YOUNG MAN.
STORE OWNERS TALKING HERE.
WELL, I GUESS YOU
STORE OWNERS
DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT HIS TAQUITOS THEN.
MADE A WHOLE BUNCH
OF PEOPLE SICK.
MAN! THEY'LL IMAGINE
ALL SORTS OF CRAZY STUFF.
THEY CAME OUT OF IT, WHAT,
COLD AND CONFUSED.
I'D WATCH WHA
YOU EAT.
KID'S RIGHT.
I'M ONLY EATING
HEALTHY FOOD FROM NOW ON.
ME TOO.
YEAH.
ONE NACHO CHEESE
DOUGHNUT, PLEASE.
COMING RIGHT UP.
[LAUGHS]
AH! WOW!