The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e17 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way they all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Greg?
Greg, do you feel all right?
Oh, hi, Mom.
You okay?
Sure.
Well, then, how come you didn't
go to the movies with the boys?
I just didn't feel like it.
Hmm. You wait right there.
I feel fine, honest.
I was just thinking.
Open up.
Do you hurt anyplace?
I told you
Shh. Don't talk with
a thermometer in your mouth.
Well, what's wrong with him?
He says nothing.
I feel fine
Shh.
How come he didn't go to the movies?
He says he didn't feel like it.
Oh, say, Greg, did you want
your mother and me
to wash and iron everything
in the laundry chute?
Uh-huh.
He's normal.
Well, if he's normal,
how come he wants us
to wash and iron his transistor radio?
( Knocking )
Come in.
You busy, Dad?
Well, to be honest, I've been looking
for an excuse to take some time off.
Well, this won't take long.
That's too bad.
What's the problem?
Well, no problem really
just something you have
to sign for school.
All right, let's have it.
I don't like to be nosy,
but is it okay if I see what I'm signing?
Don't you think
we ought to discuss this a little bit?
Well, sure.
Well?
I flunked the test.
Oh, you did? I figured that out
when I saw the "F."
If you flunk a test, then you
have to have a parent sign it
and then take it back to school.
Greg, a discussion isn't
name, rank and serial number.
No, sir.
( Heavy sigh )
You've always been
an "A" student in math.
How come that "F"?
I got the answers wrong.
I figured that out, too.
You better buckle down, young man.
Yes, sir.
Having trouble in any other subjects?
No, sir.
Okay, I'm not going to make a big deal
out of this one test,
but, Greg, hit the books.
The grades will come up.
Okay.
Thanks, Dad.
Good night, son.
Hi, Marcia.
Hi.
Are you busy?
I got my heel caught
and ripped this darn hem.
Where's Jan and Cindy?
Down with Mom.
Uh
Marcia
you're a girl, right?
Do you feel all right?
Boy, if one more person
takes my temperature
Mom, huh?
Well, whatever you've got,
don't give it to me.
I haven't got anything, honest.
Do you mind if I keep hemming?
I want to wear it to school tomorrow.
Marcia, you know
how girls feel about things,
right?
What things?
Like, uh older men.
What about older men?
What do they look for?
Lots of things.
Like what?
Well, like
Men should be rugged
like Steve McQueen
the way he stands
like he's always ready for something.
And you've got to dress groovy
like Gene Barry.
And it's great
if he's romantic like Paul Newman.
But he should be sort of
innocent like Dustin Hoffman.
But, at the same time,
he should be a man of the world
like Dean Martin.
All at the same time?
Sure, but there's one thing
that's more important
than anything else nowadays.
What's that?
What's in
what's really in is a mustache.
Are you sure?
Not a hair.
Get closer.
If I get any closer,
we'll both be wearing the same pajamas.
Come over here.
The light's better.
Now look. Still nothing.
Hey, well, how come I can feel it?
All I can feel is skin.
I guess you're
Hey, wait. What's that?
It's a part of a chocolate bar.
Yeah, that's what it is.
Besides, nobody
on the freshman baseball team
can wear long hair or a mustache,
and you want to try out for the team.
Oh, I forgot about that.
What are you guys doing?
We're looking for something.
For what? A mustache.
Well, don't look at me. I didn't take it.
Did you take Greg's temperature again?
Yeah. He's normal.
Honey, the answer's obvious.
He flunked that math test,
and he's upset.
I hope you're right, but there's a lot
of that Asian flu going around.
Mm-hmm. A lot of jungle fever, too,
but not in the neighborhood.
Are you trying to tell me
that I'm being an overprotective mother?
No
Madam, you are president of the club.
You two busy?
No, just reading the paper.
Anything wrong, Alice?
No, but I'd like you to listen to something.
Go ahead.
"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
"Thou art more lovely
and more temperate.
"Oh, my love is like a red, red rose
"that's newly sprung in June.
"Oh, my love is like the melody
that's sweetly played in tune."
There's more.
No offense, Alice, but your
boyfriend, Sam the butcher
is stealing from William
Shakespeare and Robert Burns to boot.
Oh, Mike.
Don't pay any attention to him, Alice.
Listen, Sam's a very romantic fellow.
Mrs. Brady, Sam's idea of romance
is two pounds of liver.
Heart-shaped
( chuckling ): Oh, Alice
That'd make a nice valentine's gift.
Well, I wouldn't have read this at all,
but it fell out of Greg's book,
and when I picked it up, I Greg?!
What's that got to do with Greg?
Well, it starts "My true love Linda"
and ends "eternally yours, Greg."
That's why he's flunking math
puppy love.
And I've been taking his temperature.
Mike, a boy's first romance
can be very, very traumatic.
Honey, I know it can.
I got over mine.
I'm sure he'll get over his.
Yeah, but did you flunk math?
No. She was in my history class.
She had blonde hair and blue eyes
and she wore braces.
She always had a head cold.
I can't say much
for your taste in women.
It improved as I grew older.
Mike, Greg's miserable.
We've got to find a way to help him.
Honey, you've been raising girls.
Boys shrug these things off more easily.
( Sighs )
Mike.
Go to sleep.
I'll try.
Besides, it'd be stupid for both
of us to be up all night.
Good night, dear.
Good night, honey.
Incredible.
Oh, it's not that great.
On second thought, it is incredible.
I'm talking about Greg's school annual.
What's so fantastic?
There's not a Linda in it.
Impossible.
Every school has a Linda.
Stephanie, Joy, Nicole,
Lisa, Tiffany, Gigi, Robin, Darlene
No Mary?
Wow.
Talk about a generation gap.
( Humming )
Hi, Mom.
Here's a kiss for you.
Hi, Mom.
Here's a kiss for you.
What are you making, fudge or cake?
Cake.
Can I lick the bowl?
Sure.
Where's Greg?
Wasn't he supposed
to walk you home from school?
Uh-huh, but he had
to stay after school again
because of his math.
Math?!
What is it about math this year?
Let me see how you're doing.
Oh, here, Greg, right here.
It should be base ten.
Base ten.
You made the same mistake here.
I did?
Oh, I did.
Tell me, Greg,
what's giving you the most trouble?
Math.
No, I mean in math.
It's hard to say.
( Sighs )
Well, if you have no more
questions, you can go.
Yes, ma'am.
Maybe we should go over it
one more time.
Do you think it'll help?
Yes, ma'am.
I really think so.
All right, now
using base ten, you divide this number
into this one, getting this answer.
( Sighs )
You know, three adults ought to be able
to solve this in no time.
Then how come we been
sitting here for an hour?
Well, we know that Greg's problem is
that he's in love with a girl named Linda.
The question is what's
the best way to handle it?
How about
some more coffee?
Alice, that's no suggestion;
that's an evasion.
Yep, that's what it is, all right.
Well, listen, I think the best approach
is positive action man-to-man talk.
I think you're right, Mr. Brady.
Uh, be subtle, dear.
Naturally.
Be tactful, dear.
Yes, naturally.
Be back, dear; We'll be waiting.
All right.
( Knocking )
( Sighs )
Hi, Greg.
Hi, Dad.
Your, uh your brothers
around, are they?
No, they're watching TV.
You busy? No, sir.
Yeah. Greg
( clears throat )
The reason I came up here is
Well, uh
what I mean, uh, uh
( sighs )
You feel okay, do you?
Thermometer's on the sink.
No, no, no, I'm not going
to take your temperature.
Well, that's a relief.
Let's face it you have a problem, right?
In math. I'm working on it.
You've always taught us
to be self-reliant and to try
and solve our problems on our own.
Well, that's some problems,
but now look, there are other
problems can best be solved
by talking it over with someone.
Like what?
Well, like, uh, girls, for instance?
Well, now that you brought it up
Yeah, yeah?
How can I get Jan
to stop hogging the phone
and Marcia to stop hogging
the bathroom?
Those aren't girls; Those are your sisters.
Well, they sure act like girls.
Look, I'm referring to, uh
well, to, uh, other girls.
Girls.
What other girls?
Well, other girls.
You know
you're a teenager now, you know.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, and there are certain things
that a teenager should know about.
Dad
Yeah?
We already had that talk, remember?
What talk?
That talk.
( Gasps )
Oh. Oh, that talk.
Yeah. That
Where are you going?
To get Peter.
I think you ought to tell him.
No, he-he already knows.
Bobby?
Let's not rush things.
Was there anything else?
No no, I guess not.
Good night.
Strike out?
I'm not sure I even got to bat.
Well, if man-to-man didn't work,
why don't you try woman-to-man?
Oh, every time I go near him,
he opens his mouth
to have his temperature taken.
He just doesn't want to talk about it.
I wish we knew more about this Linda.
I mean, if she likes Greg,
and if she knows that Greg likes her,
well, maybe we could help.
I wonder if he confided
in any of the other kids about Linda?
Say, maybe he has, hmm?
No, that would be asking them
to break a confidence.
Yeah, and to worm it out of them
would be too sneaky.
Much too sneaky.
Hi, Cindy.
What you doing?
Feeding Kitty Karry-All.
Oh, Kitty Karry-All, huh?
You ever thought
about changing her name?
Nope.
Movie stars do it all the time.
Maybe they haven't got a pretty
name like Kitty Karry-All.
Frankly, to me she looks like a Linda.
Well, to me she looks like
a Kitty Karry-All.
You got a name for this one?
Emily.
Now, this one looks like a Linda.
It's a boy.
Aren't any of these named Linda?
Nope.
How about girls?
Do you know any girls named Linda?
Nope. Why?
Well, it's just such a pretty name,
it ought to belong to a pretty girl.
Time for your nap, Kitty.
Give Linda a kiss good night.
Thanks a lot.
But a compliment wasn't exactly
what I was fishing for.
Aw, say, that car is really beautiful.
What are you going to name her?
What do you mean?
Racing drivers always name
their cars after a girl.
They do?
Always.
Well, I'll think of one.
Maybe I can help you.
Nah; You'd want me to
call it Cindy, Jan or Marcia.
No, I wouldn't.
Yes, you would.
I think a good name would be,
uh Linda.
Linda?!
Right.
That'd be dumb!
Why?
'Cause I don't know
anybody named Linda.
You're sure.
Positive.
Well, in that case, how about
Jan or Cindy or Marcia?
I knew it.
Boy, I just knew it!
What did you say?
I said what do you think
about the name Linda?
Why?
Well, because.
Because why?
Jan, will you stop answering my
questions with your questions?
Okay. Now
how do you feel about,
uh, Linda for a girl's name?
Mom's going to have a baby.
Mom's going to have a baby!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Come back here!
Wait.
You were right.
Being sneaky never pays.
I know.
I've just spent five minutes
trying to convince Jan
that I'm not having a baby.
MARCIA: Mom, we're home.
I wonder who "we're" is?
CAROL: Hi. Hi.
We've got a school project
we're working on.
Oh, fine.
You know Randi and Hope.
Hi.
This is Linda.
Hi, Mrs. Brady.
Well, hi, Linda.
She hasn't lived here too long.
You just moved here?
A few months ago from Seattle.
Oh, I have a lot of friends in Seattle.
Marcia, why don't you take
the girls on upstairs,
and Linda and I can have a chat
and get better acquainted.
Well, uh, do you like it here?
Okay, I guess.
You know, leaving all my old friends
that's kind of hard.
Well, I'm sure you've made
a lot of new friends here.
Yeah, I guess so.
A pretty girl like you?
You must have a lot of boyfriends.
You mean here or in Seattle?
Here.
Well there's one boy I like.
The only problem is
he doesn't know I like him.
Oh, I'm sure he does.
I'm positive.
Well, you see, he's kind of shy,
so I can't tell him how I feel.
Oh, well, I think you should, right away.
You really think I should?
Definitely. It will be the best thing
in the world for all of us.
I mean, for both of you.
( Sighs )
Hi, mom. I'm home.
Oh, Greg.
Guess who's here?
Who? Linda.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hi. I'm a friend of Marcia's.
Oh. When's dinner?
Huh?
When's dinner?
The usual time.
See you.
MARCIA: Hey, Mom, send up Linda!
Sure. Uh uh
it's right up the stairs, the end of the hall.
Nice to have met you.
Thanks.
( Sighs )
Oh, hi.
Mike? Yeah.
You'll never guess what happened.
I got the wrong Linda.
You'll never guess what happened.
I got the right Linda.
What do you mean?
This letter's from Greg's math teacher.
She wants to see me tomorrow at 4:00.
What's that got to do with Linda?
Look at the signature. The signature?
It's from Miss O'Hara,
Miss Linda O'Hara.
Oh, no.
( Knock at door )
Come in.
Mr. Brady?
Uh, yes. That's right.
I'm Linda O'Hara.
How do you do?
Well, I halfway expected
to see Greg chained
to one of your desks here.
I sent him on an errand
to the principal's office,
so we could be alone a few moments.
Good. I appreciate that.
Won't you sit down? Uh, yeah.
I've been going over Greg's records.
He's always been
a straight "A" student in math.
Well, until lately, he has, yeah.
Please don't think I'm prying, but
is there a problem at home?
No, that's not where the problem is.
Something's wrong.
I'm just not getting through to him.
Oh, you're getting through
to him, all right.
A big problem a teacher faces
is getting her student involved.
Miss O'Hara, believe me when
I tell you he is involved.
Well, maybe it's a personality clash.
Sometimes a teacher and
a student just don't hit it off.
No, you hit it off, honest.
That isn't where the problem is.
My boyfriend works a lot with
boys, teaching them baseball.
Maybe I should discuss it with him.
Baseball?
Is that your fiancé parked
in a car outside the school?
Yes. He's waiting for me.
Miss O'Hara, I've got an idea.
Now, I'll be right back.
Don't go away.
Miss O'Hara, was that my dad
I just saw running down the hall?
He'll be right back.
Was he mad or anything?
No, he was very understanding.
Lots of parents ask dumb questions.
Relax. Yours didn't.
Hi, Greg.
Hi, Dad.
Honey, Mr. Brady asked me to come in.
Greg, this is.
Miss O'Hara's fiancé, Wes Parker.
Hi, Greg.
Wow.
A real live Dodger.
First baseman, in person
Golden Glove, too.
Would you like an autograph?
Do you spell that with one "G" or two?
One.
I'll make a deal with you.
If you get an "A" in math,
you can trade that in for two
tickets to the season's opener.
Hey.
Two tickets to the opener? Right.
I'll get an "A." Yes, sir.
Attaboy.
Come on, let's go, son.
Right, Dad. Bye, Mr. Parker.
No, call me Wes.
Bye, Wes.
Bye.
I'll be right with you.
Miss O'Hara, I'd like
to pay you a compliment.
You know, if I'd had a teacher
that looked like you,
I'd have gotten an "F," too.
CAROL: Greg? Dinner's ready!
Greg?
Greg, you feel all right?
I feel fine.
Let me feel your forehead.
I've got this substitute teacher in biology.
She's got red hair and blue eyes and
Wow.
Mike.
Mike?
Mike!