AfterMASH (1983) s01e18 Episode Script

1
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Last call for River Country Bus
Lines, Evening Express, to Hannibal, St.
Louis, and Poplar Bluff.
Last call.
Now, all the laundry is folded and put in
its place.
Clean underwear is the foundation for a
healthy mind.
And I've started one of those new frozen
TV dinners for you.
You've only 17 minutes to get home to eat
it.
Mildred, I've been in three wars.
I'll be fine.
Well, this is it.
Mother, you're only going to Poplar Bluff
overnight.
Yes, but who knows?
Another war could start.
I promise.
This one, you're coming along.
Say hello to your sister for me.
Tell her how glad I am that she's there
and I'm here.
Goodbye, darling.
Goodbye, Mother.
Goodbye, Sarge.
Bob Scannell, where do you think you're
going?
Poplar Bluff.
They got a new VA hospital.
Every so often, the fellas got to get out
and see the world.
You don't have a pass.
Hop off of there, Bob.
Come on.
You're not going anywhere.
Oh, shoot.
Sorry, Sarge.
It's just that sometimes I get kind of
lonesome laying around in my room.
Understood.
Bye.
Bye.
Come on.
I'll give you a lift.
You're a lucky man, Sarge.
She's going away, but she's coming back.
You're alone, but you're not alone,
like some people that are alone.
The Lone Ranger, Lone Wolf, Lone Chaney.
Do you share them when you take your
partial out this time?
Remember where you put it.
Love, M.
That's good advice.
Last time I sat down, bit myself.
Anyone can cha-cha.
Ready?
One, two, one, two, three.
One, two, one, two, three.
Sway now.
Don't bow.
One, two, one, two, three.
Oh, you're looking good.
Thank you.
One, two, one, two, three.
Sight now.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
Again, two, cha-cha-cha.
Oh, you're going to be the heat of the
party.
Cha-cha-cha.
Don't get any better than this.
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, remember,
last month continues, next week,
we'll be learning the bar an gay.
Barney Coulson, haven't seen him for a
while.
He's dead.
Dead.
Real close.
Hello?
Sherm?
A little birdie tells me Mrs. P has flown
the Coop.
What better time for you and I to give the
Bowling Green Grill a run for its money?
Love to, Mike, but I just this minute finished dinner,
thought I'd let it settle and then get some shut-eye.
Well, no problem.
I'll head down there alone, as I usually
do.
I'll go on Saturday nights and watch
Humanity Parade by from my lonely perch.
Sounds like you've got a full evening
planned.
I want to hear about it.
How late can I call you?
Save it for Monday, Mike.
Thanks for calling.
Thanks for being home.
Damn it.
Thank God.
Nurse Coleman?
Dr. Potter here.
Quiet, huh?
Well, I'm going across to the recovery
room bar and grill.
I'm starved.
If you need me for anything, anything,
call me there.
Anything.
Evening, Colonel.
Evening, Harry.
Sarah?
Sarah!
You got your first customer.
How do I look?
Like a hooker trying to go straight.
Can't a person ever live down there past
around here?
It's been two days since I retired.
Don't you have any shoes with flat heels?
I've got some harem slippers.
Bankers love those.
Go on, go on.
You got a man waiting.
And he's got clothes on.
Good evening.
I'm Sarah, your waitress.
I'll be glad to take your order.
Whenever you're ready.
Why do I know you?
Have you been in here before?
Yes.
Well, this is my first night.
Then that must be it.
You want to give me one of those menus?
Oh, yeah.
This has our food on it.
What's the soup du jour?
I'm not sure.
What's du jour?
The day.
It's Saturday.
I know what day it is.
What's the soup?
Du jour.
I'll have a hot Turkey sandwich.
Do you have that?
Right here.
Son of a gun.
And a cup of Joe.
Coffee.
Coffee.
Will that be the extent?
In its entirety.
No handouts, buddy.
Scram.
Hey, Harry, you're looking at the working
man's working man.
Four jobs.
And if your plates aren't as clean as
could be, five.
I'll wash, dry, and spit shine all your
silverware.
Take his order, sir.
This is to go.
Shoot.
It's for my pregnant wife.
One bowl of chili, onions, cheese, and
pour a half a cup of cream on top of that.
Yuck!
That's nothing.
The other night, two in the morning,
she wants a jelly donut with raw dough.
Luckily, I was working at Vince's bakery,
so I brought it home.
Of course, by then, she wanted the stuffed
pepper.
My kid's gonna come out covered in gravy.
Hey, Klinger!
Colonel, what are you doing here?
Mildred hit the midnight flyer to Poplar Bluff, so I
have that rare opportunity of having a night to myself.
Join me, please.
I can't, sir.
I've got a lube job, and then it's across
town to make crullers.
Son, you're gonna kill yourself.
No choice.
The rent, a kid on the way, and a wife
who's part Korean, part goat.
I took her over to the 49-cent
smorgasbord.
She was burrowing her way through the
jello mold when they 86'd us.
Olaf said he never wanted to see us again.
One chili with cheese, onions,
and cream on top.
Oh.
That's 25 cents.
Um, here's 30.
Keep the change.
Working for a nickel again.
Are you sure I don't know you from
somewhere?
A sweet older man like you?
I don't think so.
Klinger, hi.
Hello, Mr. D'Angelo.
Chili con carne?
You can smell it, huh?
I can see it.
It's coming through the bag.
She'll probably eat the bag for dessert.
I gotta go.
Change clothes before Monday now.
Yes, sir.
Barkeep, a slow gin fizz and hurry.
Right.
Where's the, uh, little administrator's
room?
Don't you shame.
Good to see you all again.
It's been too long.
Way too long.
You, sir, don't you want your hot Turkey
sandwich?
Uh, here's three bucks.
It's all yours.
Three dollars?
Thanks.
Would you like to put it in the bag?
Next time.
Sure.
Damn.
What are you doing here?
I suffered a change of heart.
Tried to call you, but you weren't in.
I was at my desk till 5.15.
I called you at 5.20.
Funny, it was 5.25 before I left.
No, I called you at 5.30.
My watch is ten minutes fast.
You mean slow.
Right, thanks.
Who cares?
We're both lucky men.
You had a change of heart, and there was a
grease fire at the Bowling Green Grill.
Oh.
And here we are, brought together by some
sort of fate, of kismet.
Sherm, I'm buying my Chief of Staff
dinner.
Mike, I told you, I ate.
Then you can watch me eat.
And I'm still buying, Sherm.
It'll be fun.
No business, just two people, human to
human.
Yo, serving wench, food for my men and
water for my horses.
Well, if you're staying, here's your hot
Turkey sandwich.
Wait a minute.
How'd she know what you wanted?
Well, I, uh Oh, Mr. Schneider,
nice to see you back in town again.
Schneider, uh-uh, you've got me confused.
It's happened before.
I'm very common.
Where's my slow gin fizz?
Don't you remember?
I still have your swim fins.
My drink!
Yes, Mr. Schneider.
So, Sherm, where were we?
Do we know that girl?
Speaking for myself, we don't.
Beats me how she knew about that sandwich.
Mike, I'll make a deal with you.
You don't ask me about the sandwich,
I don't ask you about the swim fins.
Deal.
And on a lighter note, I want to say that my
world, as we know it, could shortly cease to exist.
But let's order first.
How's that Turkey?
Is it the real thing, or is it that
gobbler loaf?
Neither.
So what's your problem?
I think I better back up a space or two and
get a running start, let you see the big picture.
Sherm, I became a Boy Scout when I was 12.
Had a chest full of merit badges by 13.
Maybe one more piece of pie.
Yes, Mr. Schneider.
Mike, are we getting anywhere near where
the problem is yet?
Close.
1948 saw me awarded the Humanitarian Award
of the Year by the Missouri Undertakers.
Association in light of my many
contributions to death.
Mike, this better be leading up to something
in two seconds because in four, I'm gone.
Sherm, I'm sorry, I have a tendency to run
off.
And on.
Long-winded, but not a bad person,
don't you think?
One, two.
Sherm, this time bomb just hit the
newsstands.
River Bend Gazette, the two-and-a-half
page rag, one-and-a-half of them ads.
Take a left at the lost dog column.
This letter is from a veteran, a veteran
who was cared for at our hospice.
Had to wait several hours to see a doctor,
two days to get test results, mountains of forms.
That's Pershing, all right, but that's any
VA hospital.
Not to say we can't do better,
but even if we were perfect, there are
still some people who are going to take us
to task.
Flat comes with the territory.
But more to the point, the word apathy is on the
same line as the word Mike D 'Angelo, at least APA.
Right.
Mike, people say far worse things about
you at the hospital every single day.
Incompetent, gross, negligence,
gross negligence.
Yeah, but they're not saying it in the
paper.
I have to make good.
Not only that, I have to make sure my
making good gets in print.
How about just doing the best you can?
How?
Well, for one, you can make yourself more
visible.
And by that, I don't mean another piece of
pie.
Spend some time in the wards.
Get to know the men.
And let the men know that if they've got a
problem, you're the one they can come to.
Sherman, you're right, but I like it.
From now on, I'm Mike D'Angelo,
patient's administrator.
Sometimes it takes your own mistakes to
make you a better man.
If that was the case, you'd be Jesus
Christ.
Why are my ears suddenly burning?
Evening, Padre.
I'd love to talk, Father, but I have to go.
I have some good works to do over at the
hospital.
Sherman?
Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, confession, huh?
Yeah, over at Our Lady of Saros.
Usually a fun place, but not tonight.
Ten crummy commandments.
What's wrong with this town?
Relax, Francis.
I'll get you a menu.
Waitress?
Hello, I'm Sarah, your waitress.
I don't think this is my station.
Sarah!
I know it's not my station.
You know each other?
Of course.
She's a nurse at the hospital.
That's where I saw you.
What are you doing here?
No, I'm not a nurse, Father.
You've given up nursing to be a waitress?
It's for the best.
Well, that's what makes horse racing.
Good luck to you, Sarah.
Thank you, your goodness.
Colonel, Father, excuse me.
Waitress?
Hi, I'm Sarah, your waitress.
I'll be I know who you are.
I gotta get back before the oil drains on
the Studebaker.
Here's what I want.
Grilled cheese on a stack of pancakes.
Must be some kind of wild desert animal
living inside her.
Would you like syrup?
No, Tabasco sauce.
Sarah!
Sarah!
Just when I need you.
I'll tell you what.
I got my paycheck.
I'll sign it over to you.
Just tell me when I run out of money,
huh?
Get lost!
Come on, Sarah.
It's Saturday night.
Let's have some fun.
Excuse me, young man.
Just who do you think you're talking to?
Oh, the number one chippy in the whole
river country, sir.
Chippy?
I thought she was a nurse.
I thought she was a waitress.
You take that back.
Father, I can handle it.
Are you in the habit of letting men call
you names?
Not unless I charge extra.
Oh, how about it, Sarah?
Sir, you have five seconds to hit the
bricks.
Four seconds.
In my younger days, I'd have eaten that
pug with a spoon.
Don't try to talk.
Your mouth got you into this.
Howdy, fellas.
Is that a new hat, Sarge?
Actually, Bob, it is.
I knew something looked different.
Dr. Sola, call the operator, please.
Dr. Sola?
What the hell is going on here?
Sergeant Potter's got a new hat.
You miss.
Those are holes.
Congratulations.
Looks like someone punched these.
Happens every weekend.
Guys are on their own.
Got nothing to think about except what put
them here in the first place.
Next thing you know, pow!
Pow!
Should have seen me my first few years
here.
Had a full-time plaster detail following
me around.
Busted up my hand something fierce.
Then I started using my head.
After a while, I figured that was stupid.
What with the blacking out and all.
It's a game for the younger ones.
I still get frustrated.
Now, though, I just yank my bathrobe belt
real tight.
Keeps me slim, holds in the hernia.
You know who did this?
Ain't you been listening?
Could have been anybody.
All right, boys, keep them coming.
I want to hear gripes and nothing but.
Baker.
I'm Dovecchio.
Well, you're all apple pie to me.
Mr. D'Angelo, they keep the lights on in
here real late.
It's hard to get to sleep.
That's terrible.
You see head nurse Coleman.
Next, Baker.
That's Ramotsky.
That's a mouthful.
I've been here five days to get one lab
test.
Alma Cox.
She's off for the weekend, but she'll be
in first thing Monday.
But I'm getting a test Sunday.
Then let her know how you did.
Now, I've been hearing a lot of grumbling
about the movies we've been showing.
Well, fear not.
No more.
The VA has purchased the entire Ritz
Brothers filmic catalog.
You're going to laugh until your stitches
snap.
Nurse.
This man's just been in heart failure.
What idiot lowered his bed?
I don't know, doctor.
Oh, I was just trying to make him more
comfortable.
Easy, easy.
You'll be okay, Baker.
Oh, so you're Baker.
I knew there was a Baker.
Just what the hell are you doing here?
Dr. Boyer, your gutter gums are way out of
line.
I'm doing what I always do.
Maintaining close personal ties with my
patients.
Fine, fine.
You've done a wonderful job for tonight.
You can't kick me out of my own ward.
Absolutely.
It's gross insubordination, and I don't
know why you stand for it.
Evening, Mr. D'Angelo.
Nurse.
Uh.
Coleman.
Nice to see you again.
If you have any problems, page me.
I'll be here all evening.
On second thought, I'm on my way out.
Mr. Schneider?
Schneider.
Schneider.
I'll handle this, nurse.
Yes, sir.
You just won't leave me alone, will you?
You see a decent man whose loins had one moral lapse,
and you're going to make him pay and pay and pay.
Now, there's just one way to deal with
your kind.
I'll pay.
Here's your stinking hush money.
Five dollars.
I can be bought, but not broken.
I just came here to see Father Mulcahy.
Oh.
I saw him headed toward the examining
room.
You'll have a lot more trouble getting
five bucks out of him.
Thank you.
I wouldn't mind if you did return my swim
fins.
I'll be taking a vacation this year, and I
was thinking of using them as swim fins.
Please call the operator.
Dr. Kramer.
Last ditch.
How's the lip feel?
Like a pleated skirt.
You'll be all right.
Until I have to deliver my sermon
tomorrow, I'm going to sound like Daffy Duck.
But at least it was for a good cause,
defending a woman's honor.
Priests don't get to do a lot of that,
you know.
You're fast becoming my idol.
Father Mulcahy, I've been looking for you.
If you're still bleeding, I can come back.
Almost done, just got assignment.
Oh.
There, there, Father.
Come to Sarah.
You're the bravest man I ever met.
Sarah, please.
I can't breathe.
Sorry.
Doctor, could the father and I be alone?
Be my pleasure.
This has been a lot more evening than I
bargained for.
One of these days, we've got to sit down,
and you're going to tell me exactly who you are.
Not tonight, but sometime.
Father, I feel so terrible letting a holy
man get cold-cocked in my name.
I'll let you in on a secret, Sarah.
It was worth it, because you're worth it.
No, that's the tragedy.
I'm not.
I'm sort of, kind of, almost exactly what
that guy said I was.
A harlot?
Oh, no, never.
A prostitute.
I can't believe it.
Does everybody know this?
Well, let me put it this way.
I made a comfortable living.
I see.
You know, for a man whose business it is to deal with
people, I certainly seem to know nothing about them.
Oh, I'm a cinch to make cardinal.
That's not true.
You did a lot of good with me.
That time we met and we were both stuck in
the elevator, you told me I was a good person.
And you know what?
You were right.
I am a good person.
It's because of you I straightened out.
And even if you hate me, which you've got
every right, I love you.
You do?
Like a brother, Father.
And I did all that.
You don't know your own strength.
I suppose I don't.
Mr. Olsen, please call the calculator.
Will you be home if we need you, sir?
Don't need me.
Colonel Olsen, thank God, you've got to
help us, she's dying.
What's the matter?
It's terrible, Colonel, he's out of his mind.
No, I mean with you.
It's a stomachache, it could be something
I ate.
I couldn't eat food, it's a clinger curse.
Everybody in my family's been born
prenatal.
Mature or not at all, six months, the kid's
gonna hit the streets, I'll have to buy an Incubator.
Can't you give him something to shut him
up?
Thank God this happened on my break.
Five straight times, Lady Luck's on my
payroll, boys.
It's been a howl, but really, I've gotta go.
I have rounds to keep before I sleep.
Let's see what's cooking in OR.
Young man, do you know what you're doing?
Leave me alone.
Would you do that in your own home?
This is my home.
Sophistic renovation is against VA
regulations.
I can't quote you chapter and verse,
but I'm on steady ground here.
Stop that.
Now stop that.
I'm telling you, leave me alone.
I'm a friend of the vet, but I'm not one
to coddle.
Now stop that and move on or I'll call
security and lock you up and throw away the key.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Security!
Did you just hit him?
That's right.
Then I got here in the Nick of time.
You want some of the same?
Not the way you decorate.
What's the problem?
Nick yourself shaving?
What do you think?
I like to kick myself.
Surgeon, these hands are deadly weapons.
I was laid up in the hospital in Tokyo.
Kicked out an electric outlet.
Straightened my calvic, but good.
Threw me in the slammer for a week and
those walls are concrete.
Do yourself a favor.
Next time the bell sounds, give me a call.
We'll get a six-pack, you can come over to
my dump.
I've been thinking of putting in a picture
window.
Thanks.
You better be out of here when he comes
to, believe it or not.
This is the hospital administrator.
Oh, brother.
Don't worry, you're a patient to him,
you all look alike.
Oh, my God, the baby has gastritis.
No, I have gastritis.
What does the baby have?
A crazy father.
Klinger is going to be all right.
What do you expect?
The woman just swallowed a whole A&P.
But I'm fine now.
I'll get some antacids for all of us.
It's my fault.
I wasn't there with you.
I need to find three jobs I can work at
home.
Max, I don't care about the jobs.
I don't care about the money.
I just care about you.
You're going to make yourself sicker than
I could ever be.
But I have responsibilities.
I know what you have to do, and some of it
you don't.
We have a place to live and each other.
What else do two people really need for
true happiness?
A washer and dryer.
I'm from Korea.
I have a river.
I have a rock.
Now I just want my husband.
All right, honey.
Maybe I will quit one of my jobs.
Say goodbye to the bakery.
Can we say goodbye to the garage and keep
the bakery?
I'm starting to feel a little empty.
Sherman!
Welcome home, mother.
It's good to be back.
So, how was your bachelor's?
The highlight was the TV dinner.
Uh, just a minute, mother.
This going to New Orleans?
Tulsa.
Better!
Uh, Bob.
Oh, shoot.
Saturday.
Late on Hero Point NAS tonight, a KGB spy can make
amends while Leslie becomes involved in a Soviet scheme.
But first, when Kirk proposes marriage,
will Cindy think he is clowning around?
On New Heart, next.