Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e18 Episode Script

1
[hip-hop music]
♪
- Men have always confused
the hell out of women.
- Ow!
Why'd you do that?
- 'Cause I like you, duh.
- Ow!
- And Tasha was no exception.
- Ooh, I just can't understand
why Darius broke up with me.
- I know, it's terrible.
- It doesn't make any sense.
We were gonna go see Keith
Sweat in concert on Friday.
- In 1987,
there was only one man
that women always understood--
Keith Sweat.
- Baby, baby, baby ♪
- Ow!
- You know,
I'm going to that show.
I wasn't.
And I have an extra ticket.
I didn't.
Wanna come with?
- Really?
Of course I do.
Thank you, Chris.
- Risky.
- Two tickets will be 50
bucks each.
- But the official
poster said $25.
- It also said sold-out.
- I don't have the money, but
I could get it to you later.
Can you hold them for me?
- For you?
No problem.
$150 by Friday.
- [groans]
You should see how he rips
me off now that I have money.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
[dramatic music]
- Damn it, Buttless,
you're a pain in the ass!
Oh, right.
Sorry.
- Uh, Daddy, do we have to keep
watching "Dick Buttless, P.I."?
- You know changing
the channel adds
5 cent to the electric bill.
- [sighs]
- No!
- I didn't even
say anything yet.
- My joints get
achy when someone's
about to ask for money.
- I wasn't gonna ask for money.
- Yeah, he was, Daddy.
He wants to go to a
concert with Tasha.
- Dang, Tonya!
Is there anyone you
wouldn't snitch on?
- Jesus did it!
He claimed to be the messiah.
- Dang, Tonya.
- What happened?
Who snitched?
- Judas did it.
- Dang, Tonya!
- Chris, if you
want that money,
you got to use
your imagination.
I'm not just gonna
hand it to you.
- Um, Daddy, can I have
some money for a Koosh ball?
- Of course, baby.
- One of these days, snitching
is gonna get you in trouble.
- Daddy, Chris is dramatically
warning me of something.
- Chris, go to your room--
and make your
warnings more upbeat!
- [groans]
- Hey, baby.
- Yo, my elbow!
Something happened
to our money.
Where's your purse?
- Well, I was walking home,
I stopped at the store,
I got mugged, I picked
up some chicken.
Ooh, should I bake or grill
the chicken for dinner?
- What?
- Ah, you're right.
I should fry it.
- Rochelle, are you all right?
I can't believe this happened.
Muggers are usually
no match for you.
[funky music]
♪
- Give me your purse, lady.
- Leon, I'd recognize those
dusty cornrows anywhere.
Does your mother know
you're out here mugging
people looking all raggedy?
- So what happened this time?
- The mugger was white.
- [gasps]
- The first sign
of gentrification.
- Well, I'm glad
you're OK, baby.
- Mom, you should take
a class at my dojo
to learn self-defense.
- Yeah, I'd feel
better if you did.
Too bad our money
can't defend itself.
Poor, defenseless money.
- I'm fine.
From now on, if a white
mugger comes at me,
I won't try to
talk him out of it.
I'll just clock
him straight off.
OK, Julius?
- Poor paper-thin
money, out in the cold.
Can't stand up for itself.
It can't even stand up.
Ooh!
[bell rings]
- Have you seen
Sally's new weave?
- Ugh.
I don't think Sally's
seen Sally's new weave,
or she'd change it.
- [laughs]
- Koosh balls aren't
allowed in school.
Whose is it?
I need answers, ladies.
- What you need
is a breath mint.
- Fine, you don't
have to tell me.
You can tell
Vice Principal Harris.
- What?
You can't make us do that.
- I'm head hall monitor.
I can do whatever I want.
- Ugh.
Can he chew some
gum once in a while?
- Just go.
- [humming]
- Loaf attack!
You got mugged again.
- Drew, what are you doing?
That hurt.
- Exactly.
This is why you need to
take a self-defense class.
[funky music]
- [gasps]
- Oh, thank you.
These streets can
be dangerous--
for you.
- Drew!
Give me my damn scarf back.
[slurps]
[cat snarling]
[dramatic music]
[gasps]
- What would you do
in this situation?
- Fine. I'll go to the dojo.
Damn.
[cat meows.]
[funky music]
- They don't know who
brought the Koosh.
If we don't say nothing,
we'll both be fine.
Don't say nothing.
- Tonya, get in here.
- Shh.
LaDonna did it.
- Well, thanks, Tonya.
I did not expect you
to throw your friend
under the bus like that.
- Hmph.
So can I go?
- Sit down, Tonya.
You're a natural-born snitch.
Have you ever considered
becoming a hall monitor?
- Ha!
You want me to be
one of those dweebs
with a badge who does whatever
they want with unlimited power?
I'm in.
- Welcome to the force.
Now you can snitch on anyone.
- Every morning,
Ms. Johnson smokes cigarettes
in the nurse's office.
- Just students.
Dang, Tonya.
- I can't believe that fool.
You don't take a side
chick to Sizzler's.
All-you-can-eat
is for wives only.
[laughter]
- Manny, can I get
today's pay now?
- Here.
- [moans]
- Uh, is there any way
I can get overtime?
This ain't gonna cut it.
- Overtime?
You think this is a union job?
I'm gonna give you undertime.
[pensive music]
- Oh!
When life gives you
hair, make lemonade.
- What?
- It'll make sense
in the next scene.
Dang.
[funky music]
[bell chimes]
- Ah, Nessa, Nessa,
Nessa, I got prime,
fresh-cut hair for sale,
perfect for your very
talented wig-making skills.
10 cents a whisker.
- Boy, I can't make a
Salt-N-Pepa asymmetrical
bob out of dirty neck hair.
No sale.
- [sighs]
- Girl, I'm so confused.
I've been seeing Pastor
Percy on the low,
but also I've been
telling everybody.
And he never takes me to fancy
restaurants like Olive Garden.
- Why men gotta
be so damn stingy?
- Ugh!
What I'd give for a date with
an all-you-can-eat salad bar.
- Well, all-you-can-eat
is for wives only.
- Heh, who told you that?
- Uh, I just know, OK?
It's a man thing,
and I'm a man.
[laughter]
I'm at the barbershop
all the time.
I hear things--
things men, like me, say.
- OK, little man, tell me why
a man would buy me a necklace
but then introduce
me as his friend.
- Cash first.
- Negro, please.
- Not only am I a man,
I'm a businessman.
Cash first.
- [moans, kisses]
- And don't let a woman
hold your hand in public.
That's basically--
- pissing on him
like a fire hydrant.
Too possessive.
- Ooh!
- What?
- See, women pick
men romantically.
But men pick women
geographically.
The less we spend on gas--
- the more they
want that ass.
- Mm-hmm.
- You just can't
have one woman.
It's cheaper to keep her--
- but it's sweeter
to cheat her.
[gasps]
[funky music]
- [moaning]
[reggae music]
[indistinct chatter]
♪
[indistinct chatter]
- Whoop, whoop!
[imitates siren wailing]
- Five-O!
♪
- Hey!
I thought Al Sharpton
put an end to this.
♪
- Oh ♪
[mystical sitar music]
- Good job, class.
Sensei Jason is proud.
Remember, those who
do not try, try bad.
- Mom, didn't you
hear Sensei Jason?
You have to take
this seriously.
- How?
That man has a
clip-on ponytail.
- Hmm.
- I'm sorry, Sensei Jason.
I tried to tell her the
94 tenets of karate.
- That's too many damn tenets!
- Yeah, you won't
be saying that
after you purchase my book,
"Hi-Ya Learning," for $4.99.
[grunts]
[groans]
- He's still an idiot.
- I was just $20 away
from getting Keith Sweaty
with the girl of my dreams.
- Chris,
in all that man chatter,
has Doc mentioned
if he's seeing someone?
- Wait, are you and Doc--
[mumbling]
- Boy,
this is why you a virgin.
But yes, Doc and I are
[mumbling]
But he only takes me
out during the day.
Chris, why won't he go
dancing with me at night?
- Uh, Doc hasn't said
anything about any of that.
- Well, what are you standing
here looking stupid for?
Go ask Doc what he's doing
instead of taking me dancing.
And who he's doing
and where she lives.
- Uh, I don't
feel comfortable--
OK, I'll do it.
[funky music]
- Ugh, that was the
longest hour of my life,
and I've seen "Roots" twice.
- OK, before we go, anyone
who would like to challenge me
may do so now.
If you pin me down, you
will earn the coveted title
of Little Sensei.
- What the hell's
a "Little Sensei?"
- It means you're the best
fighter in the whole dojo.
No one's ever gotten it.
Little Sensei is the biggest
honor there ever was.
- [laughs] I don't want
to be a little anything--
except maybe a little
tipsy on a little yacht
off Little Cayman Island.
- I challenge
you, Sensei Jason.
- Aw, he tries this every week.
- Make it quick, baby.
I want to get home to ice my
legs, my thighs, and my ass.
- Mm-hmm.
A boy who steps up is taller
than the boy who sits down.
- Nyow!
Whoo-ooh!
Ahh! Ugh!
[groans]
- Better luck next time, Drew.
Wind knocked out
is wind knocked down.
- Mm-mm, nobody kicks
my baby in a corner.
- What are you doing?
- Your sensei is about
to get beaten senseless.
That's what I'm doing.
- She didn't know
karate, but she
had a black belt in Black mom.
- Ah!
Ah!
Uh!
Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah!
[whip cracks]
Ahh!
- Nobody gets to
beat my kids but me!
[together]
Ooh!
- Stop!
You win!
You're the Little Sensei.
Just give me back my ponytail.
[all cheering]
- Whoa.
[indistinct chatter]
- [gasps]
- Hey!
You know that's illegal.
[funky music]
[eerie music]
[indistinct whispering]
- [gasps]
Students in the back alley?
Not today, Satan.
- Kooshes, gum,
there's even a yo-yo.
- Yes!
- Give me ten Pixy Stix for it.
[sneaky music]
♪
- [sniffs]
- Something stinks, and this
time it ain't your breath.
- You better not tell
Vice Principal Harris.
I run this school.
- I'll tell you what, Shawn.
I won't say nothing
if you give me a taste.
[funky music]
♪
Ooh!
Pure and uncut.
I want a 50/50 split
of whatever you make.
- I'm head hall monitor.
I don't have to listen to you.
- Don't you, though?
- Dang, Tonya!
- [slurps]
Ooh!
[funky music]
- Hey, Doc.
- What's going on, Chris?
You hit your target yet
to get those tickets?
- Working on it.
Uh, but enough about me.
What's up with you?
What are you doing tonight?
What do you do every night,
and who are you doing it with?
- What the hell
you talking about?
- What's her name?
Is she pretty?
Please!
[groans]
- Risky gonna give
those tickets away ♪
And Tasha gonna give
body, her body away ♪
To someone else
at the concert, Chris ♪
[mystical sitar music]
- [blows]
[belt squeaks]
- Rochelle,
I deem you Little Sensei.
With great power comes great
responsibility, and also
a small service charge
that'll be on your next bill.
Congratulations.
[applause]
- I think she might
be hotter than Drew.
- Wow, Mom, I can't believe
you're Little Sensei.
I've challenged him
hundreds of times,
and I've never
been Little Sensei.
- Oh, I'm sure you
will be one day, baby.
- I'm just so proud of my mom
who didn't practice every day
and didn't punch her fists
in all those oak trees
to build strength and
just came in for one class
and became Little Sensei.
Ha!
Ah-ha!
It's great!
[pensive music]
- Hey, girl.
How's it going?
- Good.
But it's about to be great.
- Tonya, there have
been serious allegations
made against you.
Open your locker.
- OK.
[dramatic music]
♪
- Well, well, well, Tonya.
- What?
I-- [sputtering]
those aren't mine!
- They weren't.
For once, she was actually
telling the truth.
- That's for snitching on me.
- [stammering[
This is all a setup.
I was framed.
- Give me your badge, Tonya.
- Ha, you kicking me
off the force?
Ha!
I am the force.
I'm the one who cleaned
up these hallways.
Without me, all you mother--
- That's it!
Two months' detention.
[funky music]
♪
- Drew, why did I find your
Bruce Lee poster in the trash?
- That's where it belongs--
with my dreams
and karate skills.
How did you do it?
You have to tell me!
- You're that upset about
me being Little Sensei?
- No, I support Black women
in positions of power.
He went on to date Kandi from
"Real Housewives of Atlanta."
- You want to know my secret?
I fought for what I love.
And I can teach you
how to do that, too.
- Nice.
Can we get ice cream after?
- [groans]
No ice cream!
We got free old
milk in the freezer.
[groans]
- I didn't have any intel on
Doc, but I still needed $20.
So I did what any
desperate virgin would do--
I lied.
- You were right.
There might be another woman.
- I knew it!
- [gasps]
- Worth every penny.
- Yeah-ha-ha-ha-ahh ♪
- Yeah, screw men.
They're terrible.
OK, bye.
[touch-tones beeping]
- Doc, you old bastard.
It's over.
The only dancing
we ever gonna do
is when I dance on your
grave, because you're dead.
But I didn't kill you--
you died of a broken heart.
Well, bye.
[funky music]
- Here!
I got the money.
- Whew!
Cutting it close, youngblood.
[chimes ringing]
[funky music]
- Chris,
I'm so glad you brought me.
I can't wait to have sex with
you for days and days and days.
I bet you're real good
at it, too, having sex.
- He's so good at having-- ♪
- Baby, please!
- Huh?
- Nessa, please.
I don't know what I did,
but I'm sorry for it.
Take me back.
- You can take this hair dryer
to the back of your head,
for all I care.
- What did I do?
- I heard all about the woman
you spend your nights with.
- You mean my aunt?
- You're too old
to have an aunt.
You basically already dead.
- Look it here, for real.
My aunt has an extra
pinky toe on each foot.
I have to tape her toes
together every night
to balance her.
- That's not what Chris said.
- Yeah, Chris told
us everything.
- We know how
many hos you keep,
how you only take
wives to Sizzler,
how it's neater to cheat her.
Oh, it's been real informative.
- Uh, why is
everyone mad at me?
I was just the messenger.
- Shoot him.
- Chris, you a snitch!
- That was just
barbershop talk.
Part of being a man
is lying to other men
about how manly you are.
- So, Doc, did you cheat on me?
- Of course not, baby.
- Aw.
I'm sorry.
[both moaning]
- Well, all's well
that ends well.
[groaning]
Oh.
- I want my money back.
- I wish I could
help, but I already
bought tickets to the concert.
- Which you're not
going to-- we are.
Tonight, you're gonna
tape my aunt's toes.
And watch out, she's a biter.
[funky music]
♪
- [groans]
[gong resounds]
- Bow to master, bow to
sensei, bow to the money
plate that won't fill itself.
And lastly, is there anyone who
wants to take on Sensei Jason
and become the
new Little Sensei?
- I do.
- If he was ugly,
this would be sad.
[dramatic music]
- Drew, remember.
- Fight for what I love.
I got it.
- That's my baby.
- Before we spar,
let me put on my new CD,
"Dojo Do-Jams," which you can
go home with today for $2.99,
cash only.
♪
- Fight for what you love--
my mom,
French toast sticks,
"Dick Buttless, P.I.,"
and of course,
that dog I met once.
[grunts]
- [grunting]
Ahh!
- Whoa!
- Ow.
Congrats, Drew.
You are now Little Sensei.
- I did it.
I'm Little Sensei.
- Oh!
And it's all because you
fought for the one thing
you love most.
Me!
- Yeah.
Wow, I can't wait for us to
get our green belts together.
- Oh, hell no.
I ain't coming back.
All the fighting is
sweating my hair out.
Let's go get you some
rocky road, Little Sensei.
- Uh, can someone
call my doctor,
who is actually a veterinarian?
- Tasha wasn't gonna be
screaming for Keith Sweat,
but she was gonna
be screaming at me.
- What are you
doing home so late?
- I got detention.
It turns out,
you were right, OK?
Snitching got me in trouble.
[gasps]
Look what you've done
to me, you sick bastard!
Are you happy now?
- To be honest, no.
I should have taken
my own advice.
Snitching got me
in trouble, too.
- Yeah.
It sucks.
And now I know how it
feels to get snitched on.
All those times
I did it to you.
Tasha!
Chris lied about the tickets.
Long story short,
you ain't going.
- Tonya!
You just said you knew how bad
it felt to get snitched on.
- Yeah, so now I'm gonna
do it to you twice as much.
Whew!
That felt so good.
- [sighs]
- I can explain.
You know, it's actually kind of
funny when you think about it.
You gonna laugh.
- You wouldn't know funny if
it slapped you in the face.
Because of your lies,
I wasted my mom's weed
money on a whole new outfit.
- Damn, Tasha.
You look good.
Good enough to un-dump.
Want to come to
Keith Sweat with me?
- Of course, Darius.
[funky music]
- Yoo-hoo, young man!
It's time.
[singers] Everybody still
hates Chris ♪
- [gulps]
[vocalizing]
- MTV ♪